Wife doesn't want another child

LegacyUser

My wife will be 41 in a few months so I'm aware of the risks but also that the vast majority of births from women that age are healthy. At any rate, we've two children and she doesn't want any more even though she always wanted more. There hasn't been much discussion about it; that's how she feels and she hasn't expanded. The first two nearly broke us, but now that they're a bit older things are easier and more manageable. Even though it seems to be women who feel like this, I'm a man who feels this great want for another child. At the end of the day I'll obviously go with what she wants.

Nevertheless, I feel that this is a sudden, unilateral change in the plan we always had and I'm trying to reimagine our life now. It's like somebody is missing from our family. Will this want, this sense of loss, decline with years or is this the sort of thing which does long-term damage to relationships? I'd like to be content with our two healthy children, but I'm conscious that time is running out. Any constructive perspective would be appreciated.

Xterminator

Hi Op

your post says

I feel that this is a sudden, unilateral change in the plan we always had

Its not too clear how much was a plan you both made and agreed and how much was just an assumption you were both on the same page? One partner making a unilateral decision that affects the other is probably always going to create some tension.

However you also have the consideration that only one partner actually gets pregnant and has to bear the most of the risks associated with an over 40's pregnancy. Not to mention the fact that unlike a childless couple you have 2 children already.

Id say you are of course understandably upset that the plan has changed and you weren't consulted. You do however seem very dismissive of your wife's reasons/concerns.

from https://www.babycenter.com - risks associated with over 40s pregnancy.

You're more likely to have a difficult pregnancy. Pregnancy complications are another concern. In your 40s you're far more likely to develop problems like high blood pressure and diabetes during pregnancy as well as placental problems and birth complications.
You're at higher risk of a small or preterm baby. Women older than 40 are more likely to deliver a low-birth-weight or preterm baby. Stillbirth rates are also higher, and studies show that children born to older mothers may be at increased risk of type 1 diabetes and high blood pressure (though this association isn't strong).
Your partner's sperm is older too. Don't forget about your partner: Although men are physically capable of fathering children in their 60s and even their 70s, sperm quality deteriorates with age. Older men's sperm has a higher rate of genetic defects than younger men's sperm. In recent years, studies have suggested links between the father's age and genetically related conditions such as Down syndrome, schizophrenia, and autism spectrum disorder.
You could strain your finances. One more thing to keep in mind: There are financial advantages to waiting to have children, but there may be liabilities as well. "If you wait, you're likely to have to continue working to an older age, for one thing," says Marnie Azner, a financial planner in Morris Plains, New Jersey.
"You'll still have financial responsibilities at a time when many of your friends are beginning to retire," Azner says. "If you haven't been putting aside money for retirement up until now, it's going to get even harder to do so after you have children. Other things become more expensive too, like life insurance and healthcare. Finally, if you have trouble getting pregnant, the cost of fertility treatments can really add up."

D13exile

Have you tried talking to your wife and asking her why she doesn't want a baby? It's all well and good us men saying we'd like another child (I have five btw) but it's the lady in your life who has to endure the morning sickness, body changing, shortness of breath, heartburn, and not to mention labour. Oh and how about, the after the birth issues of night feeds, etc that a lot of men I know appear to have "slept through"!! I did all the night feeds and took a few years off work to be a full time stay at home Dad but I'm the exception in the vast majority of cases. I too would have had more children but my then wife said enough was enough. She was 43 when our last baby was born btw. We're divorced now and I have the kids full time, as per the divorce agreement and I love spending as much time with my kids as I can. I'm also very happy that I have five wonderful, healthy and unique personalities to keep me on my toes. So I can understand why you want more children but at the end of the day, YOU don't have to go through pregnancy and child birth.

Talk to your wife and understand where she's coming from. Perhaps you weren't as supportive as you could have been with the first two (not saying you weren't btw, maybe you were a great partner), and this is putting her off having a third as a baby is hard work, especially as we get older and don't have as much energy. They also cost a lot and perhaps the financial aspect is putting your wife off as she might want to enjoy life (holidays/weekends away etc) that you might not have time for/afford if you have another child. This was one of the reaons my marriage failed as five kids is expensive and foreign holidays were off the agenda. Even a weekend away was a big ask whether we brought them with us or tried to geta baby sitter. I preferred being with the kids while she wanted more time off from being a mum. That's where we differed but it should have been discussed before we decided to have so many kids. So that's why I say talk to your wife and understand why she is against the idea and see if there could be a way round the impasse. Don't let it fester in the background as you'll both resent it for different reasons.

Sorry for the long ramble but I've been there and I'm just trying to help you based on my own mistakes. Best of luck.

flowerchild

I am sorry for the loss you feel. Many of us have ideas in our head about how our family will be and at some point we come up against another reality, which can hurt.

At your wife’s age, you are looking at ivf plus egg donation to succeed, which can be both costly and difficult. Plus, she doesn’t want more babies. And it would be awful to nag.

But the grief and loss is real and good on you for voicing it. So many guys don’t.

There is a term called (from memory) secondary fertility, where you have one or more children and you want more but can’t. One of the challenges is the tendency of people to say ‘but you already have ...’ as though your pain is somehow lessened.

Talking about it, acknowledging your loss, maybe seeing someone can all help. Also swimming, running, music and yoga. Or reading about it. As you recognise others’ stories as familiar you can end up feeling less alone.

hawley

flowerchild wrote: »

I am sorry for the loss you feel. Many of us have ideas in our head about how our family will be and at some point we come up against another reality, which can hurt.

At your wife’s age, you are looking at ivf plus egg donation to succeed, which can be both costly and difficult. Plus, she doesn’t want more babies. And it would be awful to nag.

But the grief and loss is real and good on you for voicing it. So many guys don’t.

There is a term called (from memory) secondary fertility, where you have one or more children and you want more but can’t. One of the challenges is the tendency of people to say ‘but you already have ...’ as though your pain is somehow lessened.

Talking about it, acknowledging your loss, maybe seeing someone can all help. Also swimming, running, music and yoga. Or reading about it. As you recognise others’ stories as familiar you can end up feeling less alone.

Why would you have to be looking at IVF and egg donation because she is 41? The OP never explicitly stated that the previous pregnancies were via IVF; plenty of couples conceive naturally at that age.

hawley

I don't think that you can push your partner on this. She'll be the one carrying the child and incurring all the pain and problems that pregnancy brings. It shouldn't damage the relationship unless you allow it to. At the end of the day, if she doesn't want to have another child, then there should be no more discussion on it.

Idle Passerby

You mentioned the previous two babies "nearly broke you" that seems a pretty good reason not to have another. Apart from all the mental and emotional strain, It's her body that has to go through all the trauma of pregnancy and recovery, maybe she feels having gone through it twice already that she's done now. It's sad that your feeling down about her decision to complete your family now but ultimately it's a greater sacrifice for her so the final say has to be hers.

fits

Similar position OP would love a 3rd but cant have another.

Trying to focus on the two we have and the benefits of not going again eg more money, better sleep, no need to change car, can maybe retire earlier etc etc etc.

Loveinapril

I can also somewhat empathise as I thought I would always have three kids but due to a variety of things, it is likely we will have to stop at two (number two is three weeks old so number three would have been a while away anyway). I can also understand where your wife may be coming from. There are a lot of things men cannot understand about pregnancy and the aftermath. It plays havoc with your body (with obvious issues as the woman gets older) but then a woman has to put her career on hold for maternity leave. More often than not, a larger share of the childminding/ household duties fall to the woman. It is hard to juggle! Do you think any of these things are influencing your wife's decision? Like Fits says, I try to think of the practicality in having two, like costs of college, holidays, normal size car etc.

Ursus Horribilis

It looks like there are two things going on here. One is your disappointment/grief/whatever you want to call it over this third child you won't be having. The other is the lack of consultation about this.

I can see all sorts of reasons why your wife might change her mind. Talking in theory about having three kids is grand but when you've been through two pregnancies and had such a hard time with the aftermath, surely she is entitled to change her mind? Given her age, she will know people who've been through pregnancies when they're older and dealt with the shock that is having a third child. I can only speak from anecdotal experience but for quite a few women I know, a pregnancy in their late 30s/early 40s seemed to be extra brutal. One of my friends ended up on crutches and was nearly crippled when expecting her third child. Sorry for being crude here but all you need to do is blow your load. You will never truly understand what women have to go through in order to give you your children.

For many parents, the jump from two to three children is quite a shock to the system. If you've never spoken to anyone about that, do. It could be an eye opener for you. Going from being a woman with no kids to one with two is an enormous leap your wife will have taken. Maybe she just wants to get some semblance of her old life back? Even though I assume you're a hands-on father, the bulk of the parenting is probably still falling to your wife. Maybe you don't quite understand how much she has to sacrifice?

ILoveYourVibes

I'm really sorry op. You must be devastated.

I am sure your wife is a wonderful wife and mother for you to want a child with her again so bad.

I don't really know how to comfort you.

I am sorry though.

zapper55

I've noticed with my friends that come back from maternity leave that as well as the 6-9 months they've been off, it takes them another 6 plus months to acclimatised to being back in work in terms of catching up. Thats quite a time off work when you double it with two kids.

There are so so many things to tale into account when having another baby. Your body is not your own during pregnancy and many women can be quite uncomfortable or ill for it. And that not even taking into account labour.

OP I think you need to talk to her. Listen to her reasons and take it from there. Maybe she's still traumatised from the other kids and would eventually like a third bit needs more of a break. Or maybe she is done. But you need to talk to her. Nobody here can tell.ypu what shes thinking.

shesty

I wasn't going to post and then I saw some of the great posts above and thought I would add as someone who has a third.I had my third 14 months ago.I was 35 having him.The third pregnancy was hard-I didn't have any major prpblems but I was just so tired.And so fed up.I know I am incredibly lucky to have been able to have three healthy kids but it doesn't take away from the fact that being pregnant with two other kids is very tough.The there is the worry about whether things will be ok, and what will happen during labour -you know too much by your third child.I

was working full time too.My job are great but yeah, it was another period of time where I was gone for months.And it takes at least 6 months-more- to get your head back into it.When I went back after my third I did feel a kind of freedom-I like being on mat leave but honestly, I dumped all my maternity clothes when he was 7 weeks old and I feel that I am now happily into the next phase of my life.I love my kids, but I just could not go back and start all over again with another child.I don't have it in me.

I am sorry for you OP, but I can empathise with your wife.And she is a good 4/5 years older than me, so it would be harder again.Going from two to three kids is not too hard, but there is an increase in housework, you go back to the bottles and naps and whatever, and you again lose a bit of the freedom you have achieved with the two growing bigger.

I would certainly suggest you have a serious conversation with her about how you feel, but as other posters have pointed out it is her body.It is great to have three healthy kids as I said, but I do feel a bit like we are in a grind at the moment, for the next few years.And there is just no way I could do it again.If your wife has reached that point too, then I think you will just have to accept that.Bear in mind she could be mourning the "loss" of a third too-it's a very big thing to get your mind around the fact that maybe you don't think you will be able to go through with what you always wanted, and also that you would never be pregnant or have a newborn again.It is a big decision for her too, if she always wanted more.

eviltwin

I'm the same age as your wife OP and we have two. We're also done. I had my last at 32 and when he was about 3 my husband said he'd like another but eventually he realised that would be madness for us.

It's not just the added risk or that parenting small children really is a young persons game. For us it would have meant a bigger car, another college fund to worry about, one of us would have to stay home... Basically our quality of life would drop massively.

My youngest is now ten and we love the freedom that brings. I suspect for your wife it might be the same.

What I do find worrying about your post is that your wife won't discuss her reasons with you. In a healthy relationship this stuff should be out in the open. I wonder have you approached this in a way that she may feel a lot of pressure to have a third? Could that pressure be from other people too perhaps?

OutOfMyMind18

Hi OP,
It’s difficult to come to terms with something that has been talked about.
But speaking from a currently pregnant with our second point of view, we are done!
This pregnancy has broke me. My first pregnancy was amazing this one, nope. I feel awful. I can barely look after myself let alone our first, who is 5.
My body is 5 years older, but add to that 5 years of looking after our son, and (jointly) after our house, working. The list goes on.
And it’s so nice that you feel something is missing, but take her feelings into account.

Concentrate on the kids you have and it will be worth it.

Hope you can have some peace.

cannotlogin

I think by focusing on what you can't have (another child), you are doing yourself an injustice.

Focus on the positives, you have a great wife and two wonderful children. Previous pregnancies "Nearly broke you", your own words, why would you want to consider a third when that is the case? To put everything at risk, when what you actually have is amazing.

Children are a blessing, some many cannot have any or various reasons, they don't even have a choice. Be greatful for the two you have and put all your energy into them.

Perhaps your wife wants to ensure the best for her existing family rather than risk things with a third, that doesn't sound selfish to me at all.

Springfields

In reality there isn't a huge risk. A huge number of 'older' women have children all the time with no problem. I had my third at 42. Gladly all was fine
That was after 2 horrendous miscarriages.
My point is 3 was always our desired number of children. We had agreed like you and your wife and were happy with that
We had our first 2 with no issues other than the usual reflux, sleeplessness etc.
Then 2 miscarriages after which I tried to resign myself to the fact that 2 kids was it. But as much as I tried our family didn't feel complete.
And when our third finally arrived we.knew we were done
The point being I completely understand your longing for another and the feeling your family isn't done
But only your wife can explain why she has made that decision - ideally she would have discussed this with you before making up her mind but surely its.not too late. You need to talk to prevent it becoming an issue down the line. Good luck

Ursus Horribilis

Is there a possibility your wife told you about her decision in this way because she had reservations about how you'd handle it? Might she feel you'd have tried to badger her into changing her mind?

eviltwin

I'd be interested in knowing what the OP means when he says his first two "nearly broke us". Do you mean financially, emotionally? That could be a large part of her decision, it's not just you two any more, there are other people to consider and maybe that pressure is something she doesn't want to put your existing kids through

I think what you feel is normal enough. Even though we don't want anymore there is a weird feeling about entering this new phase of our life where the next newborn in our family is likely going to be a grandchild. It makes you feel a bit old and very aware of your own mortality.

qwerty13

How much was 3 kids really decided upon in the past? Like was it a vague discussion about “oh yeah, we’d like 3” - or was it a concrete plan like after kid 2 is born, we’ll start trying again after a year, with a view to having kid 3 while we are still x age?

I guess my point is are you mourning something that was never an actual hard plan? Or has your wife reneged on a hard plan (possibly / probably with good practical reasons), and is not communicating why.

qwerty13

I know this is going to sound very shallow to you OP, but my mid 70s mother has come out with a line re 2 kids being enough because after that you have to “drive a van, not a car” and that holidays are less affordable as any ‘deals’ are based on 2 adults plus 2 kids.

I’m not minimising your pain; I guess I’m just trying to say at some level that there are financial consequences/constraints to having kid 3. And it is definitely a sacrifice/compromise - in terms of your money, time, lifestyle, and the impact on the kids you already have. And they are the joint considerations. You don’t have to carry/birth the kid - which is no picnic. But in her 40s is likely to be harder.

I’m afraid my view is that whatever your wife thinks re kid 3, that is what has to happen. And that your longing is very far down the list of reasons to have kid 3. Having said that, I don’t understand why your wife won’t have a full & frank discussion of her reasons

AulWan

easpalinbh wrote: »

Nevertheless, I feel that this is a sudden, unilateral change in the plan we always had and I'm trying to reimagine our life now.

While I do agree with the posters above, I think this is the part I think I would be most upset about, and I think your wife could have handled it more sensitively.

You are a married couple, the discussion on whether to have more children or not should have involved both of you, rather then her making the decision and presenting it to you as a fait accompli.

Even if your reasons for wanting another child weren't going to change her mind, she still should have listened and taken your feelings on board before <i>unilateraly</i> deciding to close that door.

pwurple

Yes, this is a communication problem. Her putting the foot down about what goes on with her body seems fair enough from afar, but the lack of discussion about it is not good, you are left second guessing if there is something you could change.

“That’s how I feel and that’s it” is not a discussion, and doesn’t give you any understanding. Maybe she feels she failed in some way with the others, and is embarrassed to discuss that, maybe it is too painful, if there have been losses. We can only guess...

Hope you can have your conversation.

Ps, we are parents who had our kids in our 30’s, and have talked about more, now that we are in our 40’s,. However, as both of us have direct experience of age related disabilities in our families, it is not something we would risk.

Honeydew3456

Hi op, was the plan for 3 children discussed before having 2 and for a little while after having 2?
Did the plan for 3 get shelved as you were bringing up the 2 and is this now something you are revisiting with her?

I suspect that as having the 2 nearly broke you, you both probably did not get time to think about the third and now that they are older is it possible you are re-visiting the original plan discussed years ago?

I am not surprised your wife does not want a 3rd to be honest. If having 2 nearly broke you, she may be thinking it was not even on your radar, that your comment on it was just in passing/not particularly serious, and thus no need to expand on her reasons.

This will do damage if you don't explain your desire for the 3rd more clearly which will then give her the opportunity to explain her desire to not have the 3rd more clearly. Then you can both reach a common ground and understand eachother better.

It has been mentioned in the fantastic advise already given but I feel the need to re-iterate it, pregnancy, childbirth and being a mother is so difficult, regardless of how helpful the father is. It is not to be underestimated op and your wife is entitled to her life.

up for anything

Do you really have any idea of how tough it is on a woman's body to be pregnant and deliver a baby both before and afterwards and she's already done it twice and you don't say how long ago? It's not as easy to lose weight after forty as it was before and if she's had caesarians then she has the c-section pouch unless she got a lot of time to get out every day and exercise it away. Does she breastfeed? Then there can be the very unappealing chicken skin breast flaps empty of tissue. How's her pelvic floor? Does she leak when she sneezes or moves suddenly? Those kids that nearly broke you... are they still breaking her? Interestingly you haven't said what ages they are. Is she juggling a job as well as raising the kids or is she a stay at home mother who may be feeling unappreciated and isolated? Is there any chance of you taking a year or two off work and staying home full time while she works? What if you have a special needs child who needs 24/7 care on top of the two you already have? What if she miscarries? What if she dies from pregnancy or childbirth/post partum complications?

Perimenopause and menopause will be along for her shortly - some perimenopause symptoms amongst others are irregular periods*, hot flashes, vaginal dryness, sleep disturbances, and mood swings. *Many women I know have periods that they describe as bleeding like a stuck pig along with the cramps which apparently feel like someone trying to turn their uterus inside out from within and which are termed irregular because they are constant - weeks on end of that. Stack lack of sleep from two sources on top of that and that the fact that she is probably still sleep deprived with the first two and life isn't really going to be worth living for her.

It's a huge amount to ask of her and I can see why she might be avoiding a discussion as you may be very persuasive or pushy and she could feel that she would end up agreeing to keep the peace and would then have to follow through. It's so much easier to say no, I've made up my mind and not discuss it.

A third child makes things way more unmanageable than having the second one did...both in terms of daily care and other logistics. The second one is always so much easier than the first in spite of there being two of them now but the third is harder. I think most people who have had more than two will agree with that. Four is not as hard as three.

Are you able to make a bit of space in your lives and take some proper time out to discuss it? Although to me it's a bit like discussing an abortion. The final decision really rests with one person which can make the other person very unhappy.

beauf

up for anything wrote: »

....

A third child makes things way more unmanageable than having the second one did...both in terms of daily care and other logistics. The second one is always so much easier than the first in spite of there being two of them now but the third is harder. I think most people who have had more than two will agree with that. Four is not as hard as three.
...

I don't agree with this at all.

I don't think they're is any pattern. Different for everyone. And kids are all different.

But most things are set up for a family of 2+2. Once you go beyond that logistics and finances of everything just require more resources. So in that sense it's harder.

shesty

I don't agree either.

As for the discussion, maybe she doesn't want to talk about because she is upset that she know you want a third and she can't do it.

A million reasons.Go talk to her OP.

pwurple

I do have some respect for this woman as well, for sticking up for herself. It’s not that long since a woman could not get her tubes tied in this country without her husband’s permission.

Honeydew3456

Omg pwurple I did not know that. Appalling!

AulWan

pwurple wrote: »

I do have some respect for this woman as well, for sticking up for herself. It’s not that long since a woman could not get her tubes tied in this country without her husband’s permission.

Sticking up for herself? From what?

There is nothing in the OP's posts to imply he was trying to bully or pressure her into doing anything that she didn't want to do, just that he was shocked that she didn't see fit to include him in her decision making process.

Very unfair comment to imply that this woman needed to "stick up for herself" against her husband.

ILoveYourVibes

Op its one of those situations where no one is wrong.

You both have a right to your feelings. She needs to talk to you more about hers though. She needs to explain why she doesn't want three anymore.

And she needs to listen to your feelings.

Neither of you should force the other to change their feelings but i think it will help if you both understand each other.

pwurple

AulWan wrote: »

Sticking up for herself? From what?

There is nothing in the OP's posts to imply he was trying to bully or pressure her into doing anything that she didn't want to do, just that he was shocked that she didn't see fit to include him in her decision making process.

Very unfair comment to imply that this woman needed to "stick up for herself" against her husband.

Maybe I didn't phrase that well. I meant, she gave herself some bodily autonomy instead of acquiescing to her husband's wishes, which were contradictory to her own. Social progression.


I didn't think I implied any bullying, as he is clearly expressing confusion about her state of mind, because she has not communicated. That's what I wrote in my previous post, they have a communication problem.

AulWan

easpalinbh wrote: »

At the end of the day I'll obviously go with what she wants.

There was never any question that she would be acquiescing herself to his wishes.

From his very first post, the OP said he would be acquiescing himself to hers.

pwurple

AulWan wrote: »

There was never any question that she would be acquiescing herself to his wishes.

From his very first post, the OP said he would be acquiescing himself to hers.

Have you some point to make to the OP, or are you just wanting to pick a fight?

AulWan

No I made my point.

There was never any expectation from the OP that his wife acquiesce to his wishes over hers.

Lex Luthor

up for anything wrote: »

Do you really have any idea of how tough it is on a woman's body to be pregnant and deliver a baby both before and afterwards and she's already done it twice and you don't say how long ago? It's not as easy to lose weight after forty as it was before and if she's had caesarians then she has the c-section pouch unless she got a lot of time to get out every day and exercise it away. Does she breastfeed? Then there can be the very unappealing chicken skin breast flaps empty of tissue. How's her pelvic floor? Does she leak when she sneezes or moves suddenly? Those kids that nearly broke you... are they still breaking her? Interestingly you haven't said what ages they are. Is she juggling a job as well as raising the kids or is she a stay at home mother who may be feeling unappreciated and isolated? Is there any chance of you taking a year or two off work and staying home full time while she works? What if you have a special needs child who needs 24/7 care on top of the two you already have? What if she miscarries? What if she dies from pregnancy or childbirth/post partum complications?

Perimenopause and menopause will be along for her shortly - some perimenopause symptoms amongst others are irregular periods*, hot flashes, vaginal dryness, sleep disturbances, and mood swings. *Many women I know have periods that they describe as bleeding like a stuck pig along with the cramps which apparently feel like someone trying to turn their uterus inside out from within and which are termed irregular because they are constant - weeks on end of that. Stack lack of sleep from two sources on top of that and that the fact that she is probably still sleep deprived with the first two and life isn't really going to be worth living for her.

It's a huge amount to ask of her and I can see why she might be avoiding a discussion as you may be very persuasive or pushy and she could feel that she would end up agreeing to keep the peace and would then have to follow through. It's so much easier to say no, I've made up my mind and not discuss it.

A third child makes things way more unmanageable than having the second one did...both in terms of daily care and other logistics. The second one is always so much easier than the first in spite of there being two of them now but the third is harder. I think most people who have had more than two will agree with that. Four is not as hard as three.

Are you able to make a bit of space in your lives and take some proper time out to discuss it? Although to me it's a bit like discussing an abortion. The final decision really rests with one person which can make the other person very unhappy.

I think this is one of the most sensible replies on this topic. I was chatting with my wife about this and she said jokingly "maybe she doesn't want a 3rd child because she already has 3....!!!"

Joking aside, from my perspective we had a similar conversation about 10yrs ago when she was 38 and boys were 8 & 5.
Do we don't we?

In the end we didn't and I don't feel like I am missing out at all

Another thing to consider is your wife is 41
There's a chance she may not get pregnant immediately and it could take months, then she's maybe 42 and then probably 43 having the baby

Try putting yourself in her shoes and I'm sure you have already, and think what she is thinking

61 with an 18yr old and then 65/66 when/if they go to college and leave and start out on their life and maybe not even left the home yet

AT that point you should be thinking for yourself, enjoying those years and be able to financially plan for retirement
My lads now are 18 & 16 and feel like I would be constantly wrecked if we had an 9yr old aswell
Its all good when you are in your late 30's, early 40's but after 45 we both felt, "yes the body is now not as young as it used to feel"

CBCTer

A third child could throw a spammer in your relationship. I had my third child at 44 much wanted from both of us however pregnancy was hard at this age, the tiredness was unreal, I took 18 months off after the birth, went back to work full time and my marriage deteriored from there as I was doing everything at home in addition to a full time job, if the kids were sick I was the one having to take days off, I was the one bringing the older two to activities as it was easier than hearing my husband complained, with a young child and no family to help, we couldn’t go out together often, we started leaving separate life, I got depressed, I couldn’t cope anymore, he found me boring, unattractive and he left. I was and I still devastated by the breakup the only good things coming out of it is that he has a better relationship with the kids, he is spending more time with them.