Another marriage trouble thread

Hi OP,these are my thoughts ...you know it's over,you know you can't forgive or forget, you know your be happier if he just disappeared but you just can't take the leap..its incredibly difficult and most just plod along and pretend everything is ok to the outside world, there are loads of people in your predicament but its easier to stay than go through the upheaval of selling the house etc.

Its completely your call but I can tell you what will probably happen...you'll stay with him,you'll take care of the house and kids,he'll carry on and put himself first, gradually get back to his full drinking potential, live his life and enjoy it.You'll end up bitter, kids will grow up and get on with their lives, you'll age and realise you've wasted years with a selfish,self centred man who cheated on you and will likely do it again..I know that sounds cynical but that's my experience, put yourself and the kids first and everytime you see him as the man you married picture him with the other woman whilst you were looking after your house and children. You only get one life,don't waste it on someone who thinks so little of you ..also if no one knows the full extent of what's gone on I'm guessing hes done worse to you than you've mentioned here..again these are just my thoughts, tell someone you trust the full story and let them help you and you might be surprised to find out that they knew most of it anyway..its all up to you either way,he will be happy enough to carry on either way imo.

Honeydew3456

Fantastic advice Duvet Day!!

OP 1 million percent the above and esp the part about your wasted years while he is happy as larry, drinking/cheating without a thought for the rest of ye.

Your call though on what your life story will be

LegacyUser

He has cut down a lot. This is part of what confuses me. He used to be in the pub 7 days a week and then drink cans at home too. Now he goes to the pub at least twice most weeks, occasionally more often. I drop him and collect him. We live rurally. He would drink cans at home maybe 3 or 4 nights a week. Including nights he'll come home from the pub. There will probably be 2 or 3 nights most weeks where he won't drink. Of course if he has a few cans at home then the children see him drinking.

He's a teacher so has been off work for the past 2 months. He is the one here with the children every day. Bringing them where they need to be. Bringing them to parks, playgrounds, having picnics. Making their packed lunches. Having dinner ready etc. He is a good father now. He wasn't a good father in the past.

His drinking patterns are what I'm now questioning. To an outside observer they probably don't seem that extreme but I am linking his behaviour now to his past behaviour. The sound of a can opening actually causes a physical reaction in me. It gives me a little jolt every time I hear it because I associate it with his past drinking and his treatment of me during that time. It's not easy to forget. Even typing about it I'm getting a knot in my stomach. Surely that's not a rational response.

I question, am I being unfair to him now. He is unrecognisable to the man he was in the past. He has made huge efforts to be a better father. He has cut down his drinking. He is doing more around the house and with the children than I do. So on paper, it all should be rosy in the garden. Except it's not.

I think the poster who mentioned the difficulty with emotionally detaching understood how I'm feeling. I have emotionally detached. I keep him at arms length. We are affectionate to each other, and the children would see us hugging etc. But I don't want to get too close for fear of being made a fool of all over again. I feel if I gave him the chance he would be able to make it all up to me. I'm just too scared to give him the chance.

LegacyUser

When I say he doesn't intend on cheating on me again, I'm not splitting hairs. I mean it in the context of I know right now he has promised that'd he'd never cheat on me again. He also promised years ago when we got married to never cheat on me. Yet he did. For months. I suppose it was in answer to the person who asked me did I trust he wouldn't cheat on me again. I don't fully trust that he wouldn't. No. I fully trusted that he wouldn't, until the day he did. So trusting didn't exactly stop him from doing it. I do believe he means it when he says he would never do it again. But that's different to believing he'd never do it again.

I could promise him tonight I'll never cheat on him. I could mean it, tonight. I honestly have no intention of cheating on him, but yet people cheat on each other. I can't foresee a time where I would cheat on him, but who knows? I might have my head turned. I might meet someone and fall in love. I might take the cowardly way of cheating before actually ending my marriage.

I don't intend cheating on him.

It makes sense in my head, but I'm probably not explaining it very well. I believe he means it when he says he will never do it again. But I also believe it's a guarantee that can't be made.

LegacyUser

Deleted User wrote: »

Hi OP,these are my thoughts ...you know it's over,you know you can't forgive or forget, you know your be happier if he just disappeared but you just can't take the leap..its incredibly difficult and most just plod along and pretend everything is ok to the outside world, there are loads of people in your predicament but its easier to stay than go through the upheaval of selling the house etc.

LegacyUser

The drink. What an affliction. I used to drink far, far too much. It could not have gone on. I had to give it up because that was the honourable thing to do to my wife. I could not in conscience destroy her life too because the unspeakable truth was that no person ever came ahead of my need for alcohol. She put me first but I said the words of love, but followed my addiction. I was cheating on her with alcohol. I'm not being in any way melodramatic here; my time, attention and interest was more in alcohol than in her. She would never be first as long as alcohol was in the picture. Outstanding fact.

I sense, op, that this will be your life until that self-absorbed, weak, myopic husband of yours gives up alcohol entirely. Life is far, far too short for you to be playing second fiddle to alcohol or anything else. You say he isn't drinking as much now; I'd be fairly certain he's just got better at hiding it from you. It's a sneaky, pernicious addiction which makes its addicts sly, dishonest and dishonourable to the people they profess to love.

More positively, in reality and to my deep surprise I didn't find it hard to remove alcohol in its entirety from my home and avoid going to all pubs until I felt stronger. It was the best decision ever, and I wasted so many years being weak and stupid and hurting a beautiful woman who had nothing but love for me. You, like she, deserve much more than this emotional desert. Years are so precious, and the younger me never valued that time. Get rid of that alcohol/temptation in your home and so many of the other problems, including the infidelity, can be dealt with more successfully. I had to do the work myself, but I found my wife's love and support and time walking together to be the inspiration for me to be a better man for her as well as for me. There's no honour towards you in practice while he's drinking.

Hannibal_Smith

Hurt and confused wrote: »

I don't know. Obviously not, I suppose. And I suppose that's what I'm looking for. Is it possible to get over it? Should I get over it? Have others been in a similar situation and made it work? I know for many it would be their deal breaker. Maybe it should have been mine.

Sorry to anyone I'm annoying by not being as proactive as you'd like. But this is a few lines on a page to you. It's 20 years, a family and a life for me. I often think the calls to end marriages and relationships come all too quickly in threads like this with little regard for the real lives that are affected by the issues. Maybe I will walk away from it. Maybe, in time, I will admit to myself that it's too much for me and that it's something ultimately I can't continue. But if I do that, it will be done in the knowledge that I tried. I'm anonymous here. I have answered any questions put to me honestly. I am an incredibly private person. There are very very few people in my life who know any of this. Nobody who knows all of it. But as an anonymous poster I can be honest about the situation. It may not be clear to everyone, but that's because it's not clear to me! (Kinda the reason I'm here!) I take all responses and appreciate them. Some of them relevant, some of them not really. But I am grateful for all replies and will read and reread them over the coming months. I hope counselling will bring clarity... One way or another.

I know and you hear lots of people ending it because of an affair. I think it is a deal breaker for a lot of people. But it brings with it so much baggage that I don't know how you filter out.

As for the last part of your post I certainly don't think you're annoying or not proactive enough. I think you're being very kind to all involved and what ever decision you come to will be considered and thought out, instead of a knee jerk reaction. Your husband is extremely lucky to have you.