Another marriage trouble thread

LegacyUser · 03-08-2019 09:53AM #1

My husband and I are together 20 years. We have young children. When we met I absolutely adored him. I thought there was nobody like him. I was so proud to be his gf. I loved how he made me feel.

He's a very big drinker. I'm not. His drinking has caused numerous problems in our relationship over the years. Days out would consist of me dropping him to the pub and then me taking the children somewhere. Killing time so that he could have a few pints. Even the children noticed.

He cheated on me with a work colleague a few years ago. It went on for months after I found out. With him being in the pub 7 days a week and drinking at home too. I have never felt so devastated and humiliated as I did during that time. He has apologised and I do believe he's sorry for the way he carried on back then, but forgetting it is a harder task.

We had our troubles like, as it seems from threads here, a huge number of marriages do but I always believed once we got through the early childhood years we'd come out the other side OK. I feel for years I was very easy going. I was accommodating. I dropped him to the pub and collected him. It wasn't an issue. It genuinely wasn't as issue. He was a drinker. I wasn't.

However, I feel that by me being so easy going I allowed the situation to develop where he felt entitled to be in the pub so much, to drink so much (because I didn't have a problem with it, until it became a problem). I feel he took my good nature and abused it. Culminating in him cheating on me and not even being subtle about it.

Like I said, I do believe he's sorry. He has sworn to never let me down like that again, and I think I believe him. But forgetting it, and how it made me feel is proving much more difficult. Our marriage wasn't perfect at the time. Is anyone's? But I felt he took a selfish path and as a result hurt me and our marriage possibly beyond repair.

It absolutely changed the way I feel about him. It has changed the way I feel about myself. It has changed our marriage. We are still together, but hanging by a thread. I am in tears writing this. I'm so confused and don't know if or how to go about fixing it. I never got married with the intention of it ending.

03-08-2019 11:25AM

As a former drinker myself, I can totally see how this situation would develop..You being accommodating to the point where he thinks he's doing nothing wrong..
You're not just dealing with him.. it's the alcohol too, and I'm sure he'll do things that if he wasn't drinking, he would never do..
That being said, it doesn't excuse infidelity..
I don't know what to say to you, and I've no advice really..
Do you think he'd stop drinking?
Hope you are ok anyway.. the first consideration should be the children..

LegacyUser · 03-08-2019 11:40AM

He's not drinking as much now as he used to. But still a heavy drinker, in my opinion. I don't know if he drinks an average amount or above average because of our history. Anytime he drinks affects me. And at this stage I don't know if I'm being unreasonable or overreacting due to past behaviour.

He comes from a family of heavy drinkers. Every occasion, even no occasion, is an excuse to drink. His brother is currently in treatment for drug and alcohol addiction.

He has turned around completely with regards how much he does with the children and around the house. He really is a very good father. But I can't shake the feelings that I have. I can't seem to move on from everything and just be happy.

Porklife · 03-08-2019 12:14PM

My heart breaks for you OP. Once again alcohol playing it's evil role in destroying lives. I don't agree with the above poster who said you being accommodating led him to believe he was doing nothing wrong. He knows damn well you ferrying him back and forth to the pub is wrong but he took advantage of your good nature.
My dad was a huge drinker and my mom used to send us over to our local to tell him to come home. He'd tell me not to embarrass him and as a child, I didn't know if he was being unreasonable or she was. Now it's very clear to me that he was very selfish. It makes me so sad remembering that. He'd then come home and fight with her and I used to hide in my wardrobe in tears.
The reason I'm telling you this is to help you see the deeply negative impact a heavy drinker can have on children. I'm still messed up over my childhood. Children absorb everything. You don't want them to end up as heavy drinkers too. You also don't want them to grow up thinking it's normal for a husband to treat his wife this way.
The drinking alone should be enough to make you walk but throw months of infidelity on top and forget about it.
This must be so hard but unless he quits drinking things will not change. If he did that then he could be someone your children admire. I honestly don't know if I'd want to mend this though if I was you. Sometimes things just go too far and there is no coming back.
Be strong and know that we are all alot more resilient than we think. You will get through this.
My heart really goes out to you. I'm actually welling up writing this. It's such a sad situation. One thing I'll say for sure is that I wish my mom had walked away all those years ago. She didn't and ended up drinking herself to death with sadness. Devastating but it could have been so different.
I wish you all the best Op x

Batgurl · 03-08-2019 12:30PM

OP, I am so sorry you are going through this. It’s heartbreaking to read your post because it’s so obvious that you have such low self esteem that you can’t see how absolutely atrocious his behaviour is.

You are making excuses ... to strangers on the internet ... for your husbands excessive drinking and cheating on you. No one deserves these things. You marry someone to be their #1 priority and you aren’t even his 3rd.

My advice, is to work on your self esteem. You need to talk to people about this problem so that you can begin to acclimatise and realise how NOT normal this is. The more people that tell you how atrocious he is being, the more you will believe it.

Once you get your self esteem up, you need to immediately think of the children. How this affects them. You are ****ing up their perception of what a normal healthy adult relationship is like. If you have a little girl, she is going to grow up thinking men can treat women like that, that she shouldn’t respect herself enough to want a man who loves her. If you have a little boy, he’s going to think it’s acceptable to treat women like crap.

OP - it’s not normal and you are the only one who can fix it. Be strong.

LegacyUser · 03-08-2019 12:54PM

He's not a bad person. He's really not. He has done some pretty shtty things in our time together but overall he is a good person. You may not believe me. And I'm honestly not making excuses for him. But someone who drinks a lot doesn't automatically make a bad person. Throughout my life I have known alcoholics who were good people, but were alcoholics. I also know alcoholics who were arse holes, and were alcoholics on top of that. I don't know is he an alcoholic. Where's the line between alcoholic and heavy drinker?

I suppose my issue is two fold. The drinking is a problem - for me. And how I feel about past issues is also a problem. But I don't know are they surmountable problems. I don't know how I feel. All I know is I can't live with this feeling for ever more. Something has to change somewhere.

Batgurl · 03-08-2019 04:40PM

Hurt and confused wrote: »

He's not a bad person. He's really not. He has done some pretty shtty things in our time together but overall he is a good person. You may not believe me. And I'm honestly not making excuses for him. But someone who drinks a lot doesn't automatically make a bad person. Throughout my life I have known alcoholics who were good people, but were alcoholics. I also know alcoholics who were arse holes, and were alcoholics on top of that. I don't know is he an alcoholic. Where's the line between alcoholic and heavy drinker?

I suppose my issue is two fold. The drinking is a problem - for me. And how I feel about past issues is also a problem. But I don't know are they surmountable problems. I don't know how I feel. All I know is I can't live with this feeling for ever more. Something has to change somewhere.

Do you believe he won’t cheat on you again?

Dial Hard · 03-08-2019 05:30PM

Did you (plural) ever go to counselling after his affair?

LegacyUser · 03-08-2019 07:33PM

Batgurl wrote: »

Do you believe he won’t cheat on you again?

I believe he doesn't intend on cheating on me again....

LegacyUser · 03-08-2019 07:37PM

Dial Hard wrote: »

Did you (plural) ever go to counselling after his affair?

We did. Once. But he was still drinking heavily at the time and wasn't exactly open to counselling. We were supposed to go back for more sessions but he refused to go again.

Maybe it's something to look at again. Either together or maybe for myself.

Honeydew3456 · 03-08-2019 10:07PM

Op I am so very sorry to read that post. I can feel your hurt in the way you have described your marraige. I actually could have written it myself a few years ago (with the exception of cheating).

I gave up trying to figure out if he was an alcoholic or not or if he would change/cut down on the drinking after many broken prmoises. I just decided his drinking was negatively impacting me, our marraige, andour family life. Felt like I was hiding a dirty secret. I did book marraige counselling but he wouldn't go.

What led me to deciding enough was enough, and kicking him to the kerb, was that I was terrified of my children growing up thinking that was normal, i.e. my daughter marrying someone like him or my son ending up treating women like he treated me.

Also his relationship with his childten does not have to change, if you do seperate, mine see their dad everday and know he loves them.

We all have our own breaking points. Seems you are reaching yours. Once you start to emotionally detatch there is no going back. It's only a matter of time then until the physical seperation happens.

One final word on this. I don't care how much he loves his kids or cleans around the house. He is a SELFISH a$$hole that has treated you like cr*p, took advantage of your good nature, blatantly and obviously and walked all over the family life you had dreamed of with the kids. Sorry but men like that make my blood boil. I have zero tolerance and all you will continue to hear is excuses. You are NOT over reacting and most certainly deserve a better life than to be chained to a pig. Sorry!!!!!

LegacyUser · 04-08-2019 07:42AM

Honeydew3456 wrote: »

Once you start to emotionally detatch there is no going back. It's only a matter of time then until the physical seperation happens.

I suppose this is the crux of it. And I suppose I'm hoping to hear from people who have been through something similar and have managed to work it out. (Wishful thinking maybe?)

I often think if he had moved out a few years ago when this all happened I'd be in a better position. I think it would have gone one of two ways. We would have just separated and got on with life separately. Or it would have made us both look at our marriage and decide what we really wanted to do with it. With the benefit of a bit of distance from each other we'd have known whether or not we really did want to work on it, and properly engage with counselling together. Or not.

But now, I feel like we're just in a limbo. He didn't really have to make much of an effort to make up for what had happened. He just had to not do it again. At the time he gave up drinking for over a year. But even that wasn't directly as a result of what he'd done to me. It was because of an other factor, which directly affected him.

It's an awful feeling that the success or failure of our marriage seems to rest solely on my shoulders. The decision really is down to me. It's me that has to get over the cheating. As I said, I honestly think I have forgiven him that. And I do believe he doesn't intend on cheating on me again. Although I believe he never intended cheating on me until he did. It's one thing to forgive the act, and to believe he was being an absolute prize dickhead, out of charactee. It's harder to forget how it made and still makes me feel.

I think I want to know that I did everything I could to try make it work for me before I'd consider walking away from it. But then again, I don't know what the "everything" is that I should be doing. And as mentioned above, I have emotionally detached and that's what's making it all the more difficult to decide.

LegacyUser · 04-08-2019 07:54AM

Although I know I haven't fully emotionally detached because if I had I wouldn't be in this dilemma.

04-08-2019 11:42AM

The decision doesn't necessarily lie with you..if you made it clear to him that after everything that has happened, it's something you will no longer stand for, well, it would be up to him really..

LegacyUser · 04-08-2019 01:58PM

But what will I no longer stand for?

He's a big drinker. But he's not abusive. We don't argue. He's not messy. He's rarely even drunk. He just likes drinking. His drinking technically doesn't cause any problems. Is it reasonable for me to tell him he's never allowed drink again? Just because I don't like it.

To anyone who knows him, they would see no problem. I'm sure people recognise he's a big drinker and would see him out regularly. But the people he's out with are also regular drinkers so like I said, they'd see no problem. He's even out less than a lot of them are.

He has cut down. A lot. Should that not be enough for me? Should I have a right, to tell a man who has been drinking for 30 years that he's not allowed do it anymore? On what basis? A major f##k up 4 years ago?

Serious question to pub goers how much is too much? How often a week would the average person drink at home, and at the pub?

Do I need to just get over myself and accept that he went through a period where he behaved like a complete dickhead to me but he has turned that around and no longer treats me badly? Because honestly, he doesn't. And do I just accept that he likes a few drinks?

For people who think I'm making excuses, I'm genuinely not. Relationships and people are rarely black and white. It's not as simple as you're either a good person or a bad person. If he was a complete dickhead it would be so much easier. But the fact is, he's an alright fella. He's the man I feel in love with, he's the father of my children and the man I built my adult life with. A man who happens to enjoy drinking. Is he really all that different to others out there who also enjoy drinking? I feel my perception is skewed due to the past. And if he hadn't gotten so bad, then his level of drinking now might not even register with me. Things have changed hugely and are nowhere near as bad. But why is that still not enough for me?

04-08-2019 02:48PM

Hey.. yeah, it's a grey area..
I don't know what to say to you..
Yeah, maybe give counseling another go..
Like, he shouldn't be in the pub 7 nights a week..you are entitled to feel hurt after the affair.. especially if it went on after you knew?.. that just seems bad..
See about going to counseling again.. maybe just yourself first..

Porklife · 04-08-2019 02:57PM

The more I read your replies the less sympathy I feel for you. You actually come across quite pathetic. Do you really have to ask how much is too much? Nobody can answer that and he doesn't have to be abusive for it to be a drink problem. I feel sorry for your children seeing as they've even noticed how often he drinks. That should be your answer. Other people who also drink frequently are of course going to say it's fine. You are very naïve and your children are going to suffer on account of that.
He cheated on you for months too.
Good luck, you're gonna need it and sadly so are your children.

LegacyUser · 04-08-2019 03:02PM

Thanks CQD, and others. I really do appreciate all responses.

I know it's not a straight forward situation and I know it's something I'm going to have to work through myself. Counselling is definitely on my to do list.

I'm normally such a have-my-sh*t-together person.

LegacyUser · 04-08-2019 03:16PM

Porklife wrote: »

Do you really have to ask how much is too much?

Well obviously I do. Is 2 nights a week in the pub too much? I'm sure some would say not. Is a few cans at home 3 or 4 nights a week too much? Probably not to a lot of people.

Nobody can answer that and he doesn't have to be abusive for it to be a drink problem.

Do you think I'm not aware of this. I have lived with a heavy drinker for 20 years. He has never been abusive. But his drinking has occasionally been a problem.

I know you are replying from your perspective and remembering your childhood. But not all children of heavy drinkers will have the experience you have. My friend's dad was an alcoholic from the time she was a small child. He died when she was in her early 20s. No daughter could love and respect, and miss her dad as much as that girl does. She hasn't rose tinted glasses looking back at a past. She just had a different experience to the child of a different type of alcoholic.

I'm not looking for sympathy, from anyone. I will have to live my life and live with my decisions, whatever they may be. I will go to counselling where all these feelings and uncertainties will have to be trashed out and worked through one way or another. I just thought getting stuff out of my head here and listening to other perspectives would help.

No two situations are identical, and your situation and that of your mother seems very far removed from mine. I appreciate your advice and it has given me food for thought.

Porklife · 04-08-2019 03:17PM

Also you ask on what basis should you ask him after drinking for 30 years to stop? Ehhh..... really? You're actually asking that? How about the fact your children commented on his drinking and see you driving him to and from the pub. Great role model. This will damage them more than you seem capable of seeing. Also the cheating and lying about it for months on end.
You posted here because your marriage is in trouble and the drinking is a major part of that. On that basis, obviously!!

LegacyUser · 04-08-2019 03:31PM

Porklife wrote: »

How about the fact your children commented on his drinking and see you driving him to and from the pub. Great role model.

Loads of kids comment that their dads go to the pub and drink beer. Loads (All?) of these dads will get lifts.

You posted here because your marriage is in trouble and the drinking is a major part of that. On that basis, obviously!!

Drink absolutely played a huge part in my marriage troubles in the past. 7 nights a week (driving himself) And yes, they are still causing an issue now. But the fact he has cut down hugely is where I'm confused. I don't know is his drinking NOW a problem. Or am I still hung up on the past.

His drinking now might be of a normal level for the average fella who enjoys drinking. I simply don't know because my perception is skewed. Hence my confusion and my hurt.

B0jangles · 04-08-2019 03:40PM

Hurt and confused wrote: »

But what will I no longer stand for?

He's a big drinker. But he's not abusive. We don't argue. He's not messy. He's rarely even drunk. He just likes drinking. His drinking technically doesn't cause any problems. Is it reasonable for me to tell him he's never allowed drink again? Just because I don't like it.

To anyone who knows him, they would see no problem. I'm sure people recognise he's a big drinker and would see him out regularly. But the people he's out with are also regular drinkers so like I said, they'd see no problem. He's even out less than a lot of them are.

He has cut down. A lot. Should that not be enough for me? Should I have a right, to tell a man who has been drinking for 30 years that he's not allowed do it anymore? On what basis? A major f##k up 4 years ago?

Serious question to pub goers how much is too much? How often a week would the average person drink at home, and at the pub?

Do I need to just get over myself and accept that he went through a period where he behaved like a complete dickhead to me but he has turned that around and no longer treats me badly? Because honestly, he doesn't. And do I just accept that he likes a few drinks?

For people who think I'm making excuses, I'm genuinely not. Relationships and people are rarely black and white. It's not as simple as you're either a good person or a bad person. If he was a complete dickhead it would be so much easier. But the fact is, he's an alright fella. He's the man I feel in love with, he's the father of my children and the man I built my adult life with. A man who happens to enjoy drinking. Is he really all that different to others out there who also enjoy drinking? I feel my perception is skewed due to the past. And if he hadn't gotten so bad, then his level of drinking now might not even register with me. Things have changed hugely and are nowhere near as bad. But why is that still not enough for me?

You his wife and his partner, you are not his mother.
It should not be up to you to tell him his drinking is excessive, to decide whether or not it's bad enough to end your marriage over.
It should be up to him - a grown man, a husband, a father, to realise that drinking is not a hobby.

An afternoon of drinking should not regularly take precedence over spending a day out with his children.

I believe he doesn't intend on cheating on me again...

Sounds like you're afraid he might get drunk and accidentally cheat on you again. Like it won't be his fault if it happens, it was the drink.

I don't mean to be unkind but it sounds like you've bought the idea that he is some like of helpless innocent victim of alcohol. That you're being unreasonable and demanding to expect him to do anything to change since he's not actually drunk in front of the children and isn't violent.

Those are incredibly low standards

How much money is being spent in the pub every week? How much education could that buy for your children?
He is choosing to prioritize drinking over his children, both in time spent with them now now, and the money wasted that could be better be used to build up their futures.

Maybe talk to al-anon to get an outside, but fully informed perspective on your situation?

Porklife · 04-08-2019 03:53PM

As Bojangles said, he is not a victim of alcohol. He didn't chest on you because of alcohol, he cheated on you because he wanted to.
I'd put money on that not being the only time either, just the only time you know about. You said it went on for months after you found out. Was he drink for entire months? How long had it already been going on and would it ever have stopped if he wasn't caught?
Do your children know about it?

Porklife · 04-08-2019 03:53PM

As Bojangles said, he is not a victim of alcohol. He didn't chest on you because of alcohol, he cheated on you because he wanted to.
I'd put money on that not being the only time either, just the only time you know about. You said it went on for months after you found out. Was he drink for entire months? How long had it already been going on and would it ever have stopped if he wasn't caught?
Do your children know about it?

LegacyUser · 04-08-2019 04:14PM

B0jangles wrote: »

Sounds like you're afraid he might get drunk and accidentally cheat on you again. Like it won't be his fault if it happens, it was the drink.

No. There's no accidentally. It wasn't accidentally at the time and it wouldn't be accidentally if it were to happen again. But I know on our wedding day, and maybe even up until the point where he started to cheat that he never intended cheating on me. But it still happened. I doubt there's too many people who intend cheating on their partners yet affairs are happening all over the place. I am not excusing affairs. It's the single most devastating thing he has done to me and our marriage. I know he doesn't intend cheating on me again.

I don't mean to be unkind but it sounds like you've bought the idea that he is some like of helpless innocent victim of alcohol. That you're being unreasonable and demanding to expect him to do anything to change since he's not actually drunk in front of the children and isn't violent.

I demanded he changed and he did. Just not enough for me. I don't think he's a victim of drink. I know he is well able to control it, and even stop if he wants. He just doesn't want to. To him it IS a hobby.

How much money is being spent in the pub every week? How much education could that buy for your children?

Money isn't a huge issue. Of course money spent in the pub could be directed somewhere else but we're not stuck for money.

Maybe talk to al-anon to get an outside, but fully informed perspective on your situation?

Thanks.

Batgurl · 04-08-2019 07:12PM

OP. What do you want from us boardsies?

Looking back over your posts, I can’t really figure it out. Do you want us to tell you that you are being unreasonable? Would that help you?

Posters here are empathising with you and trying to offer you advice but I don’t think it’s helping.

What advice are you looking for specifically?

bitofabind · 04-08-2019 08:00PM

you are questioning yourself and contradicting yourself and second guessing yourself all over the shop here. i did the same when I was with my previous partner who had similar alcohol issues.

"sure isn't a few cans a few times a week totally normal for a lad of his age?" "sure didn't i go out with the girls and drink a bottle and a half of prosecco two months ago?" "sure his dad/bro/friends drink the same amount and seem to be grand" and on and on and on.

that in combination with him constantly lying to me, about his drinking first and then about anything really, gaslighting me and making me feel like a lunatic for feeling 'off' about the whole thing and eventually the trust had evaporated and the relationship was over at that point. and my self esteem was on the floor. im still trying to recover it two years later. im still learning to trust myself and my own judgement all over again.

if any of these things sound familiar, and i bet they do, then yes, you are married to an alcoholic. and you are an enabler. you cannot help this man and he can only make you miserable as long as things remain as they are. you do not trust your husband, you don't trust yourself and your hurt and pain is palpable. it's very frustrating reading your posts as you are simply not equipped to make any good decisions for yourself while you are in this mode.

here are some steps that are absolutely vital for you right now:

1. individual counselling. Properly deal with the cheating and the erosion of trust that your husband has inflicted on you for decades
2. couples counselling. you said money is not an issue. invest it right now in your marriage. if your husband isn't willing to commit to this, that's a very serious red flag. he needs to take your marriage seriously and if he doesn't, it may be a real sign that its unsalvageable.
3. al anon. go to a few meetings. everyone will have versions of your story. you'll walk out with clarity as to exactly what is going on with your husband and how that has affected you. go and keep going.

Hannibal_Smith · 04-08-2019 08:39PM

Hurt and confused wrote: »

I suppose my issue is two fold. The drinking is a problem - for me. And how I feel about past issues is also a problem. But I don't know are they surmountable problems. I don't know how I feel. All I know is I can't live with this feeling for ever more. Something has to change somewhere.

By 'this feeling' do you mean you are caught in limbo? You have these two issues that are bothering you, but you don't know whether you can get over them. Are you also maybe wondering whether you SHOULD get over them?

Something does have to change and it is the drinking for sure.

Do you want him to continue drinking as he is? If yes, fair enough. If not, as an equal part of the relationship, this is something you need to discuss honestly.

Are you over the affair? This is something not so black and white that carries a lot with it. Can you admit or acknowledge how you feel about it. I don't know about you, but sometimes if something is so mega and you don't want to admit the gravity of it, I kind of ignore it all, out of fear the fuss that would come with facing it. If that makes sense. Would that be what you could be doing?

You don't have to take any drastic steps that you don't want to. But maybe at least try and separate your thoughts out so that your head stops racing?

LegacyUser · 04-08-2019 10:27PM

Batgurl wrote: »

Posters here are empathising with you and trying to offer you advice but I don’t think it’s helping.

What advice are you looking for specifically?

What makes you think it's not helping? Because I haven't come back after a few posts to say it's all clear now and I need to end a 20 year relationship?

I don't know what advice I'm looking for, specifically. If I knew the specific advice I wanted then I wouldn't really need to post at all.

bitofabind, thank you.

Hannibal_Smith wrote: »

You have these two issues that are bothering you, but you don't know whether you can get over them. Are you also maybe wondering whether you SHOULD get over them?

Pretty much nail on the head!

Are you over the affair?

I don't know. Obviously not, I suppose. And I suppose that's what I'm looking for. Is it possible to get over it? Should I get over it? Have others been in a similar situation and made it work? I know for many it would be their deal breaker. Maybe it should have been mine.

Sorry to anyone I'm annoying by not being as proactive as you'd like. But this is a few lines on a page to you. It's 20 years, a family and a life for me. I often think the calls to end marriages and relationships come all too quickly in threads like this with little regard for the real lives that are affected by the issues. Maybe I will walk away from it. Maybe, in time, I will admit to myself that it's too much for me and that it's something ultimately I can't continue. But if I do that, it will be done in the knowledge that I tried. I'm anonymous here. I have answered any questions put to me honestly. I am an incredibly private person. There are very very few people in my life who know any of this. Nobody who knows all of it. But as an anonymous poster I can be honest about the situation. It may not be clear to everyone, but that's because it's not clear to me! (Kinda the reason I'm here!) I take all responses and appreciate them. Some of them relevant, some of them not really. But I am grateful for all replies and will read and reread them over the coming months. I hope counselling will bring clarity... One way or another.

strandroad · 04-08-2019 11:23PM

What are his drinking patterns? You said he'd be out every day including your days off, but then you said he is a great father and does his share around the house? Does he drink at home? In front of the children? Do you need to drive and collect him?

Honeydew3456 · 04-08-2019 11:29PM

Hurt and confused wrote: »

No. There's no accidentally. It wasn't accidentally at the time and it wouldn't be accidentally if it were to happen again. But I know on our wedding day, and maybe even up until the point where he started to cheat that he never intended cheating on me. But it still happened. I doubt there's too many people who intend cheating on their partners yet affairs are happening all over the place. I am not excusing affairs. It's the single most devastating thing he has done to me and our marriage. I know he doesn't intend cheating on me again.

Not trying to minimise the destruction the affair caused but you are splitting hairs with your words: "it wasn't accidental" and also "he never intended cheating on you ".
Poor fella. It's like his mistress made him do it.

Op affairs are intentional, pre-meditated, planned and co-ordinated. Don't doubt it. A web of extremely well thought out lies was cleverly spun to you.

He tasted the forbidden fruit which is intoxicating to the betrayer. I hope he sticks to his lame "intention" of not to cheat again.

I also hope that you and your children do not end up permanently damaged over his destructive behaviours. They might not seem destructive to you now, as you seem to know so many people that ended up fine after having alcoholic/heavy drinking dads. No offence but that is merely lucky and in the minority if you ask me.

Another marriage trouble thread

Comments