Why do so many people cheat'?

MSGSM

First off, if this is the wrong place to post then I apologise.

I've been chatting to friends about the staggering amount of people cheating.

I'm a single male in my 20's and firmly in the dating scene. I've had to help friends through times where their other half has cheated and I've heard so many stories about people cheating that it's really made me realise how naive I used to be in this regard.

Now I'm not claiming to be any white knight cos I've not had great luck with women but I could never cheat. I believe that if you're not happy in your own relationship, you talk to the other person and end the relationship before going near anyone else. And this includes any form of sexual/flirty contact with someone that isn't your partner.
What has happened to common decency?

My opinion is, it's down to people settling for people that they don't truly want to be with due to a fear of being alone or needing someone.
I'd say alcohol has a lot to do with it too.

Any other opinions?

MSGSM

Maybe a mod should move to AH actually?

wiggle16

Done

Tony EH

Selfishness.

magic_murph

because the grass is always greener

JohnnyFlash

The horn.

Boom_Bap

JohnnyFlash wrote: »

The horn.

The raging horn

Lotus Flower

Because they can- no trouble finding people willing and then dating apps make it easier than ever

Some people need constant validation etc

pinktoe

Low self esteem.

They need to be desired or praised or whatever.

Zillah

Evolution saw benefit in the social support structures created by monogamy and tribal living, but it turns out there is a strong selective advantage for men to secretly sow some oats on the side and for women to cuckold a well-meaning doormat with more desirable DNA.

The fact that we use birth control to render redundant the impulse's objective does not in any way inhibit the impulse itself.

Humans are animals; we're far easier to understand when you get past all the hyperbolic sentimental nonsense. Yes I am fun at parties.

mcmoustache

Do so many people actually cheat?

I could count on one hand the number of people that I've encountered in my entire life who I know cheated in nearly 40 years here. I've obviously met far more who have actually cheated that I don't know about but I would have expected to know more people who did cheat if it was that widespread.

That being said, I don't know how typical my experience is so maybe it's a bit of an outlier.

Feisar

Zillah wrote: »

Evolution saw benefit in the social support structures created by monogamy and tribal living, but it turns out there is a strong selective advantage for men to secretly sow some oats on the side and for women to cuckold a well-meaning doormat with more desirable DNA.

The fact that we use birth control to render redundant the impulse's objective does not in any way inhibit the impulse itself.

Humans are animals; we're far easier to understand when you get past all the hyperbolic sentimental nonsense. Yes I am fun at parties.

I can see you there in the kitchen with a bottle of red.

FTA69

It’s unbelievable how common it is, and what I’m saying is purely anecdotal and based on my own experience but I think women cheat as much as men if not more. There’s an idea that it’s generally more of a philandering male thing but the amount of married women I’ve seen cheating or trying to engineer it recently has been an eye-opener.

The reality is that there’s a huge amount of people in unhappy or cold relationships and it isn’t a middle aged thing; I know people in their early 30s who have been in sexless relationships for years. I’m 31 and was in a relationship that went to sh*t, totally cold and affectionless but you plough on because of a mortgage to be paid, possibly kids (new babies often kill that side of a relationship), fear of going back renting, fear of ‘taking a step back in life’, attachment issues, convenience, fear of the unknown etc. Being stuck in a sexless relationship punctuated by bickering and the like can be the loneliest place you’ll ever be and life is such a grind.

Then one day you might meet someone you click with and they’re interested in you and you have feelings you haven’t had in years and sh*t just happened. I used to be very judgemental of infidelity, but now I can see where a lot of it springs from. Inveterate doing the dog constantly isn’t on, but someone stuck in a sh*tty situation having a fling etc - it’s very easy to judge but there’s often real and fair reasons behind it.

Feisar

It might not be a case of the grass being any greener, it's just the desire for a bit of strange.

I was going out with what could be classed as a model 'cept she had a little more ass. Cheated on her with someone who wouldn't have ranked nearly as highly on the looks scale. Why? Spur of the moment excitement thing at a drunken house party.

Not proud of myself.

ChikiChiki

Unpopular opinion but I think monogamy is against human nature. And I am open about it when I start seeing someone.

nthclare

Zillah wrote: »

Evolution saw benefit in the social support structures created by monogamy and tribal living, but it turns out there is a strong selective advantage for men to secretly sow some oats on the side and for women to cuckold a well-meaning doormat with more desirable DNA.

The fact that we use birth control to render redundant the impulse's objective does not in any way inhibit the impulse itself.

Humans are animals; we're far easier to understand when you get past all the hyperbolic sentimental nonsense. Yes I am fun at parties.

I'm told there's a lot of cuckolds about these days and Chad the gym instructor is the ultimate goal...or Jack the tree surgeon.

Sounds like you're going to similar parties as myself

Zillah

nthclare wrote: »

I'm told there's a lot of cuckolds about these days and Chad the gym instructor is the ultimate goal...or Jack the tree surgeon.

Sounds like you're going to similar parties as myself

Cuckold predates certain internet sub-cultures' obsession with the word by quite a bit. It's derived from the cuckoo bird, known for laying its eggs in other birds' nests.

branie2

Evolution I'd imagine

Feisar

branie2 wrote: »

Evolution I'd imagine

Fecking evolution, even when it wasn't evolution, I knew it was evolution!

Lotus Flower

ChikiChiki wrote: »

Unpopular opinion but I think monogamy is against human nature. And I am open about it when I start seeing someone.

Each to their own but I've done the whole multiple dating and seeing several people and it ain't for me. I'd much rather be loyal to someone

Autecher

Lotus Flower wrote: »

Each to their own but I've done the whole multiple dating and seeing several people and it ain't for me. I'd much rather have someone to be loyal to

Why were you seeing multiple people Lotus Flower? Genuine question but was it an ego thing? Were you flattered with the attention from multiple men/women?

ILoveYourVibes

People cheat because they are unhappy and its easier than leaving.

nthclare

I suppose cheating is in the eye of the beholder, one man's cheat is another man's conquest.

I'd say statistically men and women's cheating on their partners is 50/50

I remember year's ago while living in Edinburgh snogging someone behind my girlfriend's back and I felt really guilty about it.

Back in the day I told the local young priest being the early 90's....

Well he laughed about it and said, we're you committed under the eye's of God ???

I said no, he said young man go out there and enjoy yourself......

Don't worry about it...

Sure she was shagging the chef in the filling station where she was working lol

InTheShadows

Wait until you reach your 40's OP. The amount of married women who are willing to risk their marriage for a one nighter or an affair is an eye opener.

Lotus Flower

Autecher wrote: »

Why were you seeing multiple people Lotus Flower? Genuine question but was it an ego thing? Were you flattered with the attention from multiple men/women?

Because we weren't exclusive and they were also seeing other people. I tried it and hated it

TheBoyConor

I will admit that I have cheated.

I had a gf for 9 years and I cheated on her twice. The second time l cheated on her I ended up leaving her for the other woman. I went out with that woman for about a year and a half and I also cheated on her too with someone off of tinder. We broke up later on for unrelated reasons.

I am now 33 and single and have no intention of getting into an LTR for the foreseeable future as I have no interest in it. i'd rather meet people casually for the ride off of pof or bumble.

About a year ago I was dating a girl who I guess had intentions of a relationship. I was also meeting other women at the same time, all unbeknownst to eachother.
It got to the point where by chance I was meeting a girl who's sister I was also meeting about a year previous and had ghosted after we had a dramatic falling out. They lived together and when I was with the sister I used have to sneak up the stairs with her so the sister wouldn't hear. I can't imagine the hell that would unfold if the sister had caught me in her house with her sister.

Why do I do it? I guess it is the thrill and the risk!! It is crazy.

I am presently meeting several women for shenanigans all unknownst to eachother. My closest friends know all this and they say I am a addicted to dating.

EmmetSpiceland

ILoveYourVibes wrote: »

People cheat because they are unhappy and its easier than leaving.

Can be unhappiness due to a lack of attention or that the cheater is no longer happy with the attention from their partner.

When I worked in a golf club bar, a long time ago now, there was an older gentleman who was an old school “cad” type, or maybe he was a “bounder”, either way he had a long history of affairs and trysts. He once told me that the common theme was a lack of attention, something he gladly sorted.

He said to me, and I’ll never forget this, that if I ever wanted to hang on to a lady that all I had to do was “keep ‘em licked and keep ‘em dicked”. Solid advice from a man wearing a blazer.

Autecher

InTheShadows wrote: »

Wait until you reach your 40's OP. The amount of married women who are willing to risk their marriage for a one nighter or an affair is an eye opener.

Oh man, only a few years to go until I'm drowning in married fanny!

The_Kew_Tour

Women cheat just as much as Men too from what I see. They are just better liars :pac:

Lotus Flower

TheBoyConor wrote: »

I will admit that I have cheated.

I had a gf for 9 years and I cheated on her twice. The second time l cheated on her I ended up leaving her for the other woman. I went out with that woman for about a year and a half and I also cheated on her too with someone off of tinder. We broke up later on for unrelated reasons.

I am now 33 and single and have no intention of getting into an LTR for the foreseeable future as I have no interest in it. i'd rather meet people casually for the ride off of pof or bumble.

About a year ago I was dating a girl who I guess had intentions of a relationship. I was also meeting other women at the same time, all unbeknownst to eachother.
It got to the point where by chance I was meeting a girl who's sister I was also meeting about a year previous and had ghosted after we had a dramatic falling out. They lived together and when I was with the sister I used have to sneak up the stairs with her so the sister wouldn't hear. I can't imagine the hell that would unfold if the sister had caught me in her house with her sister.

Why do I do it? I guess it is the thrill and the risk!! It is crazy.

To each their own but that kind of lifestyle seems so empty to me

tinofapples

Tony EH wrote: »

Selfishness.

This and greed.

TheBoyConor

I guess it depends on what one is into.

I have no interest in a committed adult relationship. For the past few years dating wise I have little interest in anything beyond a few cheap thrills. There has been a few times that I had went on three dates in the one day. It is exhausting sometimes. Lost interest in dating irish girls too and at the moment I seem to be meeting women from increasingly out of the way and obscure countries. All through the usual dating apps.

Plumbthedepths

MSGSM wrote:

Maybe a mod should move to AH actually?

Move to AH? Yeah you will get reasoned and thought out responses there. ;-)

lainey_d_123

TheBoyConor wrote: »

I will admit that I have cheated.

I had a gf for 9 years and I cheated on her twice. The second time l cheated on her I ended up leaving her for the other woman. I went out with that woman for about a year and a half and I also cheated on her too with someone off of tinder. We broke up later on for unrelated reasons.

I am now 33 and single and have no intention of getting into an LTR for the foreseeable future as I have no interest in it. i'd rather meet people casually for the ride off of pof or bumble.

About a year ago I was dating a girl who I guess had intentions of a relationship. I was also meeting other women at the same time, all unbeknownst to eachother.
It got to the point where by chance I was meeting a girl who's sister I was also meeting about a year previous and had ghosted after we had a dramatic falling out. They lived together and when I was with the sister I used have to sneak up the stairs with her so the sister wouldn't hear. I can't imagine the hell that would unfold if the sister had caught me in her house with her sister.

Why do I do it? I guess it is the thrill and the risk!! It is crazy.

I am presently meeting several women for shenanigans all unknownst to eachother. My closest friends know all this and they say I am a addicted to dating.

This is really disgusting behaviour. You are taking away their ability to make informed decisions about their sexual health by not being honest about having multiple partners.

TheBoyConor

I never told anyone that i was seeing them exclusively.

lainey_d_123

TheBoyConor wrote: »

I never told anyone that i was seeing them exclusively.

Did you lead them to believe this was the case?

TheBoyConor

No. I would meet them and nothing mentioned about exclusivity or lack thereof. Topic wasn't mentioned at all.

Lotus Flower

@TheBoyConor, I guess you know deep down that being upfront would limit your dating options

Edited to add, that doesn't make it right. Seems pretty crappy these women don't know it'll never result in a relationship

MSGSM

OP here,

Appreciate all the replies, some good insight.

All this talk about, not being interested in LTR baffles me being honest. Its just always been in my mind that I will settle down with a girl that im crazy about and take on life together. Now I don't mean 'happily ever after' as I know life is no fairytale but even though im currently single, ive met a few women that I was crazy about and felt like they could be my forever after. I never got to date said women as they had bf's (fair play to them for being faithful) or weren't interested in me in that way but my point is, these women make me feel like spending the rest of my life with them would be a dream.

However, I do know personal preference plays a big role as people that enjoy the single life, would find my outlook as baffling. I do think though that there is no excuse for cheating. I've seen it tear people apart and I have promised myself that no matter how tempting it be, I will never do that to someone.

Tell me how

Because some people think that 'a new bird in the hand is better than the same old bush'.

I don't have a play on words which explains women cheating so I presume it doesn't happen.

TheBoyConor

I understand your outlook OP. We are all different in what we want.

It is interesting that you see someone that has no interest in LTRs as baffling whereas I would be similarly baffled by a single outgoing guy who was very keen to get settled down with one woman. Permanently. I just don't see the appeal. I see it as a very restricted lifestyle.
I think it might be because I was in a LTR for 9 years in my 20s so at this point I am like "yeah, LTRs? been there done that, meh" .

Tell me how

Tell me how wrote: »

Because some people think that 'a new bird in the hand is better than the same old bush'.

I don't have a play on words which explains women cheating so I presume it doesn't happen.

It is far more complicated than this because human beings are not straightforward.

Lotus Flower

TheBoyConor wrote: »

I understand your outlook OP. We are all different in what we want.

It is interesting that you see someone that has no interest in LTRs as baffling whereas I would be similarly baffled by a single outgoing guy who was very keen to get settled down with one woman. Permanently. I just don't see the appeal.
I think it might be because I was in a LTR for 9 years in my 20s so at this point I am like "yeah, LTRs? been there done that, meh" .

Do you like the idea of being in your 40s/50s and just getting casual rides on Tinder?

Dr. Bre

Loyalty is dead according to Paddy Power

Purple Mountain

TheBoyConor wrote: »

I will admit that I have cheated.

I had a gf for 9 years and I cheated on her twice. The second time l cheated on her I ended up leaving her for the other woman. I went out with that woman for about a year and a half and I also cheated on her too with someone off of tinder. We broke up later on for unrelated reasons.

I am now 33 and single and have no intention of getting into an LTR for the foreseeable future as I have no interest in it. i'd rather meet people casually for the ride off of pof or bumble.

About a year ago I was dating a girl who I guess had intentions of a relationship. I was also meeting other women at the same time, all unbeknownst to eachother.
It got to the point where by chance I was meeting a girl who's sister I was also meeting about a year previous and had ghosted after we had a dramatic falling out. They lived together and when I was with the sister I used have to sneak up the stairs with her so the sister wouldn't hear. I can't imagine the hell that would unfold if the sister had caught me in her house with her sister.

Why do I do it? I guess it is the thrill and the risk!! It is crazy.

I am presently meeting several women for shenanigans all unknownst to eachother. My closest friends know all this and they say I am a addicted to dating.

TheBoyConor wrote: »

I will admit that I have cheated.

I had a gf for 9 years and I cheated on her twice. The second time l cheated on her I ended up leaving her for the other woman. I went out with that woman for about a year and a half and I also cheated on her too with someone off of tinder. We broke up later on for unrelated reasons.

I am now 33 and single and have no intention of getting into an LTR for the foreseeable future as I have no interest in it. i'd rather meet people casually for the ride off of pof or bumble.

About a year ago I was dating a girl who I guess had intentions of a relationship. I was also meeting other women at the same time, all unbeknownst to eachother.
It got to the point where by chance I was meeting a girl who's sister I was also meeting about a year previous and had ghosted after we had a dramatic falling out. They lived together and when I was with the sister I used have to sneak up the stairs with her so the sister wouldn't hear. I can't imagine the hell that would unfold if the sister had caught me in her house with her sister.

Why do I do it? I guess it is the thrill and the risk!! It is crazy.

I am presently meeting several women for shenanigans all unknownst to eachother. My closest friends know all this and they say I am a addicted to dating.

I'd say you are more addicted to the ride than the dating because it doesn't sound like you do much of the latter.

MSGSM

TheBoyConor wrote: »

I understand your outlook OP. We are all different in what we want.

It is interesting that you see someone that has no interest in LTRs as baffling whereas I would be similarly baffled by a single outgoing guy who was very keen to get settled down with one woman. Permanently. I just don't see the appeal. I see it as a very restricted lifestyle.
I think it might be because I was in a LTR for 9 years in my 20s so at this point I am like "yeah, LTRs? been there done that, meh" .

I understand where you're coming from. I've never had a gf other than a few continuous dates so the concept is something new to me but as I said, I'm happy with my own company and don't want a relationship because I'm lonely etc, the women I've wanted were for what I feel are the right reasons (Really attracted to them, find their personality infectious, love being in their company etc etc) If I wanted a gf I could get one (not meaning to sound big headed here) but I am not settling for someone who I'm not crazy about or doesn't help me grow.

ILoveYourVibes

EmmetSpiceland wrote: »

Can be unhappiness due to a lack of attention or that the cheater is no longer happy with the attention from their partner.

When I worked in a golf club bar, a long time ago now, there was an older gentleman who was an old school “cad” type, or maybe he was a “bounder”, either way he had a long history of affairs and trysts. He once told me that the common theme was a lack of attention, something he gladly sorted.

He said to me, and I’ll never forget this, that if I ever wanted to hang on to a lady that all I had to do was “keep ‘em licked and keep ‘em dicked”. Solid advice from a man wearing a blazer.

Its lots of reasons depending on the situation.

A lot of people are shocked when one partner is ill and the other cheats.
It was an escape from the situation.

nthclare

TheBoyConor wrote: »

I will admit that I have cheated.

I had a gf for 9 years and I cheated on her twice. The second time l cheated on her I ended up leaving her for the other woman. I went out with that woman for about a year and a half and I also cheated on her too with someone off of tinder. We broke up later on for unrelated reasons.

I am now 33 and single and have no intention of getting into an LTR for the foreseeable future as I have no interest in it. i'd rather meet people casually for the ride off of pof or bumble.

About a year ago I was dating a girl who I guess had intentions of a relationship. I was also meeting other women at the same time, all unbeknownst to eachother.
It got to the point where by chance I was meeting a girl who's sister I was also meeting about a year previous and had ghosted after we had a dramatic falling out. They lived together and when I was with the sister I used have to sneak up the stairs with her so the sister wouldn't hear. I can't imagine the hell that would unfold if the sister had caught me in her house with her sister.

Why do I do it? I guess it is the thrill and the risk!! It is crazy.

I am presently meeting several women for shenanigans all unknownst to eachother. My closest friends know all this and they say I am a addicted to dating.

I knew a guy like you, we used to call him James Bond

He's one of the lucky guy's who was attractive from his teens right up until his mid 40's he's like a cross between Morten Harket and Pierce Brosnan...

Has one kid doesn't drink or smoke, into his fitness etc...

He's quitened down a bit but he's the sort of guy a straight guy would secretly say he's a good looking man, or if you're an honest straight guy like myself I'd say he's extremely easy on the eye for a guy

fmpisces

MSGSM wrote: »

First off, if this is the wrong place to post then I apologise.

I've been chatting to friends about the staggering amount of people cheating.

I'm a single male in my 20's and firmly in the dating scene. I've had to help friends through times where their other half has cheated and I've heard so many stories about people cheating that it's really made me realise how naive I used to be in this regard.

Now I'm not claiming to be any white knight cos I've not had great luck with women but I could never cheat. I believe that if you're not happy in your own relationship, you talk to the other person and end the relationship before going near anyone else. And this includes any form of sexual/flirty contact with someone that isn't your partner.
What has happened to common decency?

My opinion is, it's down to people settling for people that they don't truly want to be with due to a fear of being alone or needing someone.
I'd say alcohol has a lot to do with it too.

Any other opinions?

Some people want to have their cake and eat it too.
They think they'll get away with it/don't care if they get caught if it gives them a "way out" of the relationship rather than doing the kindest thing for all and just ending it.
The whole offline/online dating scene just makes it so flippin' easy to cheat.
But ultimately it boils down to not loving their partner enough to stay faithful to them. Sad really.

_blaaz

People cheat for a huge amount of reasons...to extent that virtually everyone cheats eventually ime




Sad,but thats the truth of life...in area im from.anyway

MSGSM

fmpisces wrote:

Some people want to have their cake and eat it too. They think they'll get away with it/don't care if they get caught if it gives them a "way out" of the relationship rather than doing the kindest thing for all and just ending it. The whole offline/online dating scene just makes it so flippin' easy to cheat. But ultimately it boils down to not loving their partner enough to stay faithful to them. Sad really.

Exactly, it's the lack of care for the other person that I can't understand.

_blaaz wrote:

People cheat for a huge amount of reasons...to extent that virtually everyone cheats eventually ime

Have to disagree but it is a lot more prevalent then I first thought.