Greatest Comebacks Thread

tcawley29

Hey All,

Should be a bit of fun here.

Idea is to post the greatest comeback comment you have ever heard.

For example when someone says "Self praise is no praise" and the best response I've heard to that is "Tis better to have half a loaf than no loaf at all"

I'm sure Pintman Paddy Losty and Johnny Flash should have a few gems here :pac:

ToddyDoody

'F*ck you Deputy Stagg''

amcalester

Didn’t Kim Kardashian get cum on her back? That was a good one.

Comerman

If you're waiting for my comeback look around your mother's inside leg

"Liverpool beat Barcelona 4-0"

Edgware

Comerman wrote: »

If you're waiting for my comeback look around your mother's inside leg

Or in her false teeth

branie2

Your Mamma's so fat that when she fell down the stairs, I thought Eastenders was starting.

Harry Palmr

Deleted User wrote: »

"Liverpool beat Barcelona 4-0"

Now that was a snappy rejoinder!

leitrim4life

"you can't handle the truth!!"

Atoms for Peace

Tiger Woods

Birneybau

"Shut up Becky"

Birneybau

branie2 wrote: »

Your Mamma's so fat that when she fell down the stairs, I thought Eastenders was starting.

Your mamma's so fat, I heard she just sits at home all day, crying.

Signore Fancy Pants

"I'm eating my dinner Kate!".

Yamanoto

Rip Torn died yesterday

Thread reminded me of this

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=78IRyUrA2Ug

Mam of 4

Am I the only one who can never think of a great comeback when needs be , but think of brilliant ones later ?

tcawley29

Mam of 4 wrote: »

Am I the only one who can never think of a great comeback when needs be , but think of brilliant ones later ?

I just started the thread for new material :cool:

Thelonious Monk

I may be drunk but in the morning I’ll also be ugly still - Neville Chamberlain

lbc2019

I know you are but what am I?

A garbageman

Thelonious Monk

You’re barking up the wrong Bush

banie01

When I was younger, fitter and prettier...
My uncle started lecturing me on the dangers of drink, drugs and women!
The lecture being delivered by a chubby, balding, whoremongering and hard partying musician ended with these lines...

Him "Kid, your body is a temple! Mind it!"
Me "Yeah, yeah, it's just a pity yours is a Greek one!"
Him "What?!?!
Me " fúcking ruined!!! "

20 years later and we still slag each other over it....
Im still winning too!
I'm far from bald yet :pac:

corner of hells

ToddyDoody wrote: »

'F*ck you Deputy Stagg''

Easy there ,Paul.

branie2

A classic comeback by Brendan Grace about a heckler at one of his shows, and I'm paraphrasing

We were a duo known as the Symbolics. I was sym, he was the other half!

trashcan

Thelonious Monk wrote: »

I may be drunk but in the morning I’ll also be ugly still - Neville Chamberlain

Not quite. It was Churchill for a start, in response to some woman who said to him accusingly, "You're drunk" He replied, "Yes, but in the morning I will be sober, you however will still be ugly". Or something like that. It's a classic comeback to be fair, and I wouldn't be much of a Churchill fan.

griffin100

One I read somewhere a few years ago......

Lads on the street slagging off a fat kid as he walks past huffin and puffin trying to keep his tracksuit up. Turns back to the ringleader and says ‘the reason I’m so fat is because every time I ride your ma she gives me a cake afterwords.’

Tell me how

Thelonious Monk wrote: »

I may be drunk but in the morning I’ll also be ugly still - Neville Chamberlain

Pretty sure it was Churchill.

Man who also had following engagement with a fellow MP.

Fellow MP: If I were your wife I'd put poison in your coffee
Churchill: If I were your husband, I'd drink it.

kowloon

There was that legendary one from Pighead but I can't find it. So there's that.

IamMetaldave

kowloon wrote: »

There was that legendary one from Pighead but I can't find it. So there's that.

Ah Pighead, so many amazing posts/threads.

pawdee

Once again, words fail you.

ILoveYourVibes

I envy everyone you have never met.

......

Panthro

If I wanted a decent come back I'd wipe your mother's chin.

totru kekka

ive had one or two

Your Face

Germany

Obvious Desperate Breakfasts

Draper saying to Ginsberg “I don’t think about you at all.” and then fücking off out the lift.

Ficheall

I like this one.

PhlegmyMoses wrote: »

Was on a bus a while ago and a few scrotes, around 14/15, were giving some hipster looking lad a load of abuse. The chief abuser was as fat as shít and trying to show off to his mates. Anyway, he started calling the bloke a paedo - the beard and glasses probably gave him the idea. He started saying "I bet you want to ride me, don't you, you paedo?", to which the previously silent bloke replied "Sorry, you have the wrong person, I don't **** baby whales....."

RiderOnTheStorm

I told a joke at work recently, slagging the hometown of a colleagues wife (that was part of the joke). He saw the funny side, but faked some outrage, saying his wife would be very upset to hear such a thing said about her & home town.
I told him his wife loves a good joke and he should ring her to get her actual reaction to the joke ..... Then I passed him my phone and said "try speed dial #3"

fryup

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=OroiRWIR2gQ

ohnonotgmail

trashcan wrote: »

Not quite. It was Churchill for a start, in response to some woman who said to him accusingly, "You're drunk" He replied, "Yes, but in the morning I will be sober, you however will still be ugly". Or something like that. It's a classic comeback to be fair, and I wouldn't be much of a Churchill fan.

Said to lady astor.

Bigbagofcans

If you ran like your mouth you'd be in good shape.

razorblunt

"You're not explaining this very well" (he was).
- "Yeah, I apologise, I should have brought crayons when I knew you'd be here".


That one caused uproar.

NeinNeinNein

I'll go and get me measuring tape.

randd1

When I was U14 in the soccer years ago, we were playing a match in the evening, and the way the pitch was the sun was fairly low so it would be in the keepers eyes.

Our keeper asked if anyone had a cap.
I offered him my one.

He said "I'm not taking that off of you, I'll catch something".
I replied instantly "only your mothers perfume".

The rest of the team burst out laughing, and our manager looked at our keeper and said "answer that if you can". The chap was red with everyone laughing at him.

Probably my best comeback, for sheer effect of the words as opposed to comedy value.

Tammy!

Two lads I know who worked together at the time got a lift off one of their aunties to work one day. They were sitting in the back of the car and said to the aunty, "so how's aul Mary doing now?" The aunt said "not well at all, sure she's a dropped rectum now."

The two lads got into a fit of giggles trying to hold in the laughter at the detail and wording she used and when they were in work, they were still laughing about it, wrecking the foremans head and he was already having a **** day.

Later on, they forgot about it but something went wrong in the workshop which pissed off the foreman and he threw the tool that was in his hand on the bench and said "ah **** this, you know what lads? I don't ****ing give a rats rectum" and he walked out :pac:

Bigbagofcans

This is my comeback girl, this is my comeback girl, this is my comeback, this is my comeback girl.

B-D-P--

ricky gervais.

Walks past school yard,
A fat kid shouts "PEDO" at him,
He asked what you say
"Pedo" repeated the fat kid
"I'm not a pedo, But if i was you be safe you fat fcuk" or something like that said ricky.

inforfun

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=r-7bVZYy_ds

rgmmg

In school I had to get my homework signed as I hadn't done it the night before. I forged my Dad's signature and handed it in.

The next day the teacher she said "RGMMG - up to the front of class. I checked your Dad's signature against a cheque in the office. That's not your Dad's signature". .

I said "I can't help it if he changes his signature style".

She didn't have nothing after that. Nothin'! Take that Angela Lansbury wannabe

Bandana boy

i would call you a cu n t but you have neither the warmth or the depth

Hammer89

Mam of 4 wrote: »

Am I the only one who can never think of a great comeback when needs be , but think of brilliant ones later ?

*puts on monocle*

The French have a phrase for this called Esprit de l’escalier. It means the Spirit of the Staircase, which basically means staircase wit. You only think of the perfect response after the fight, when it's too late.

*takes off monocle*

afkasurfjunkie

“What you looking at?”

“I dunno, but it’s looking back at me.”

bop1977

At the end of a boards meet up I was talking to a boards lady and for some reason she asks out of the blue:

Lady: I bet my house is bigger than yours?
Bop: (looking her square in the face) bigger than which one of my houses?

Ahh... Celtic tiger where have you gone.

Wheety

Was in a pub before and one of the lads said his bald head was a solar panel for a sex machine.

I said "Yeah, and we can all guess where you keep the batteries"