Deciding on a third child!

Moonbeam

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/121151572#Comment_121151572

It was the way we knew it,it was easier alot of the time as when he was home he would "interfere" in our way of doing things which threw us. it was so tiring though.

JDD

I had my third at 40, a surprise baby boy. I had two girls already, aged 5 and 2 1/2 when he came along. I had difficult pregnancies, with pre-natal depression, and hadn't wanted a third. Plus we were paying €2000 a month in childcare as it was, and we were struggling financially. However, my husband was definitely delighted when I told him and tried to alleviate my financial concerns saying that we wouldn't need a new car or a bigger house, and that we'd make it all work.

A few weeks later we found out we were having a boy and that helped me bond with the pregnancy and it all seemed meant to be. I had a bit of an easier pregnancy and he was a very easy baby when he was born. He fit right in. However, it was apparent that we did need a new car, and a new house. The house we were in was miniscule. That caused a lot of stress in his first year and to be honest nearly broke us up. Then it became apparent that he wasn't hitting milestones, and he was diagnosed with autism.

Things are easier now - he's six and in school. But I can tell you honestly from the ages of 2 to 5 I regretted my decision to go ahead with a third child. There are still times that I regret it, even though he has less meltdowns now. He was so so difficult - so much time taken from the older two because he needed 1-1 assistance. My older two still think he's my favourite child because I spend so much time with him, and let him away with things that they weren't allowed get away with. Private diagnoses, private therapies, have cost a fortune. That's the thing about a third child - you have no free time left when you have two children, so the time sacrifice isn't actually yours, the time sacrifice is given up by the other two children. And the money sacrifice is 50/50 - yes, you'll have less expendable cash, but you also won't be able to afford activities that your older children want to do. You can balance that out in your head by saying "look at all the benefits they get by having another sibling though. Someone else to play with. Someone else to help them out when we are elderly". My older two don't get any of those benefits - they love their little brother for sure, but it mostly downside for them, and I feel sad for them when I think how it might have been with just the two of them. They will take the burden of looking after him when we can't.

And yes, holidays are definitely way more expensive. Get used to self-catering, because most hotels don't do rooms for five and interconnecting rooms add about 40% to the cost of your holiday. But that's the least of your worries.

Think carefully about it. 10% of our local primary school has children with additional needs. I can't say whether the majority were born to older mothers but research definitely backs up that fact. I'd probably be more positive about the whole thing if we didn't have the additional needs to deal with, but you really need to go into this with your eyes wide open.

poker--addict

Thank you for sharing JDD

Dial Hard

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/121172102#Comment_121172102

I'm child-free by choice so am nothing more than an observer on this thread but I just wanted to say, what an incredibly honest and open post, JDD. Fair play to you.

Quandary

we have 3 - a 6 ye old and 3 year old twins.

it’s great craic, sometimes, but…

we have no family support near us so it is extraordinarily difficult a lot of the time.

also child care was €2500 per month for a couple of years which crippled us.

wife and I have been waiting over 2 years to use a hotel voucher we got for a 40th. Still no idea when we’ll get the time.

When you have 2 healthy kids your have won the lottery imo. unless you have a strong support network then I would not have a 3rd.

I haven’t mentioned a multitude of other factors but think very very carefully before going ahead with the decision. thats just my opinion though

each to their own.

The_Honeybadger

We have three, youngest now 12, she was a surprise at the time. We live away from family and had no real support during their early years. Childcare costs were really really difficult to manage and the logistics of all their activities etc can still be a challenge.

As others have mentioned holidays are a nightmare and the move from 2 to 3 really limits your options.

Everyone’s situation is different and a good support network makes a huge difference

shesty

Love having 3.

Downside - it is usually "breaking point" for most families, someone's career suffers if you are both working parents with 3.

It's expensive.But that said life is expensive these days regardless, so honestly I'm not sure it makes a difference.To be honest, I never think "if I only had 2 kids, this would be cheaper/easier"...we have 3 and just have to get on with it.Certainly don't regret it and now that they are all in school it is definitely easier.

onrail

Such an eye opening thread. Me and my wife 35 and 36 have a boy and girl under 4.

We've both always wanted 3 kids. Finances would be tight but doable, but tbh the threat of disability scares me quite a bit. Is it really that bad after 35?