Deciding on a third child!

random10

We are very lucky to have 2 beautiful healthy children. I thought I was finished with two but lately there's been a niggling feeling that I'd love a third child. My husband would like a third but is happy to leave the final decision to me. My heart is saying go again but my head is saying don't push your luck, financially will we manage not just now but in the future. I'm 36 now so need to start deciding, I just wonder how other people found the jump from 2 to 3, parents are outnumbered, new car needed etc

detoxkid

We have just had our third and final child - she's 8 weeks so early days! I've found the jump way easier than going from one to two to be honest. It's like she was always here. We did need to get a bigger car. Holidays and education will be more expensive. But we knew that. No regrets here anyway!

jlm29

I’ve gone from two to three, and am due my fourth soon. I found the jump from one to two go be a bigger jump really, but there was a bigger gap between my first two (4 years) so I had gotten used to no nappies, no sleepless nights etc. My eldest child was also very easy going so the second, with his early onset middle child syndrome nearly broke me!

I found when I had three that I could contain two in a double buggy (and my eldest was then 5 and a half), and managed well. I was still in the swing of the baby stage, used to nappies and not being able to go anywhere much, so I didn’t notice the transition as much!

Digs

My 3rd is 7 months, I can’t explain it very well but she feels like the piece we didn’t know was missing. Family is very much complete by her.

My hardest jump honestly was 0-1. I found that the biggest adjustment. Going from 2-3 I just find things are more chaotic, noisy etc but that’s probably because the older two are running about like lunatics. The baby really just fits in with the rest of us. I’m more relaxed with her, laid back etc

We did have to change the car but apart from that no major adjustments.

I always feel if you have the niggle for a third baby it will happen sooner or later.

gar32

https://www.youtube.com/watch?reload=9&v=GEbZrY0G9PI

Good luck with number 3. Just not for me.

happywithlife

Have 3 here. Love it. There was a slightly bigger gap before the 3rd than I'd have initially liked but its working itself out. When he was born the others were 4 and 7 and I found the 3rd was on his own a bit as the other 2 were thick as thieves. But now the eldest is preteen so the middle lad - now 9 - is getting better at playing with the youngest now 5.
He was very sick in his eldest years so helped rule out any more as we wouldn't have coped. Nothing life threatening but just lots and lots of 'smallish' things that took their toll.
From a practical point of view it was difficult but manageable adjusting to 3. There was and still is a bit of dragging him out along to the sports etc in the evenings. We did have to change the car but on the other hand we had everything else. We are not a holiday family but I do know a friend who is and they struggled with the adjustment as going away a lot of hotel rooms etc required them to book 2 interconnecting rooms with 5 of them and the package deals for 2+3 have less choice than those 2+2
Financially I wouldn't overly worry too much unless it means 3 in créche full time or in college together etc which will be tough but presumably not insurmountable.
All in all I'm glad of the 3rd

pwurple

I don’t think you ever regret a child, but we chose to stick with two. Would love 20 kids, what a blast, but let our heads take over on it.

Reasons we had to not to go for it:
-We try to be eco conscious, and had the niggly feeling that environmentally we didn’t need to add more than two consumers to the population.
-financial strain. Could manage, but would add stress/pressure.
-logistics. Transport, bedrooms.
-Our age. We had our youngest at 36, so at over 35 and husband in his 40’s we just felt that the chances of disability was growing, didn’t want to damage a child with our aging reproductive systems.


We considered fostering, decided to hold that until the kids are older. We got a dog to throw into the mix. That was enough then for us.

fits

I have twins and would love more. We talked about it and factored in our ages more of a factor around retirement than now and the overall cost and decided to go with the not trying not preventing route. Then one of my twin boys was diagnosed with a genetic condition ( nothing to do with our ages) and any more children would have a 50% chance of getting it. Could go down ivf and pgd route if we really wanted another but really I think that’s the end of that. Sad that I won’t have another tiny baby to cuddle

happywithlife

Fits my way around that is to offer babysit nieces/nephews - amazing how quickly I'm glad to handback afterwards :-D
I know what you're saying though.

shesty

Have three, youngest is a year.He fit right in, I remember thinking at 3 weeks it was like he had always been there.Had to do a car change as we have three in car seats, but that was it.I am actually happy we have the three partly because I find now the two older ones can be quite competitive with each other for attention, and now he is beginning to make his presence felt, he is adding another dynamic to the mix (and usually stopping them in their tracks!!!).

To be honest, if it's niggling you it will probably happen.I wasn't 100% sure, but I felt I always regret what I don't do, so we went for it.Wouldn't worry too much about holidays etc. they are minor enough things in a way, and kids are pricey no matter what.We were lucky too, we conceived straight away with them all.But I wanted to do it sooner rather than later aswell, same concerns as you.

lazygal

I had our third last year. We debated it for a long time. Eventually we gave ourselves a a time limit in which to get pregnant and decided beforehand we'd have prenatal testing and what we would and wouldn't be able to handle in terms of disability and abnormalities. It took us longer to get pregnant third time around (I was 36) and the prenatal testing was difficult as there was a possible abnormality which is related to age, the stats for getting pregnant over 35 are worth a look.
Anyway, it was all fine and he's the easiest baby of all three. We had to change our car and we know we're taking on more parenting but I have no regrets. I totally disagree that people don't regret having children however, there are people who do regret having a second, or a third, or more and that's something you need to think about. Doing the baby stage again wasn't a walk in the park.

I love having 3. I can't imagine having fewer but then I always wanted a big family (currently pregnant with no. 4!). My 3 are all close in age (8, 7, and 5) and they get on great most of the time but 3 does mean that sometimes two can team up and the third feels left out. I know what you mean about pushing your luck. When I was pregnant with the third I felt like it was greedy/ pushing our luck to want yet another healthy child. I was convinced something would be wrong with her but she's perfect. She was our easiest baby by far, partly because she had the other two to watch and follow around so she didn't need us to entertain her as much. And she's such a different character to the others. She's fiercely independent and, as my mother always says, she's a typical third child - nods and agrees to whatever you tell her then goes off and does whatever she wants anyway.

And you might not need to change your car. We fitted all three in car seats in the back of a Volswagen Jetta and now in a Renault Megane. They also fit in my mother's Ford Focus. We got Diono Radion car seats which are very narrow. They're pricey but a lot cheaper than getting a new car.

Pidae.m

Our third is now 15 months. Had to upgrade the car but found going from one to two children an awful lot more hard work.

Millem

Gosh I am debating this myself! We have 2 (5 and almost 2 years old. I found the youngest quite a difficult child (still is!!).....I have just finished breastfeeding him and he has just started sleeping through the night!!! I can see light at the end of the tunnel I am not jumping for joy at the thoughts of all that again!
We have a 7 seater and 4 bedrooms so no big change there.

How do people manage extra curricular activies/sports if they all play for different ages?

Sunrise_Sunset

Often a big debate over a third child and I understand why. I would love a third myself. But unfortunately we can't afford another. Also my I'm over 36 so I would be quite worried about any possible health issues related to a "geriatric" pregnancy. For us, we'd also need a bigger house and a bigger car and we can't afford either of those upgrades.
If I were in a different financial situation, I would go for it.

happywithlife

Millem wrote: »

Gosh I am debating this myself! We have 2 (5 and almost 2 years old. I found the youngest quite a difficult child (still is!!).....I have just finished breastfeeding him and he has just started sleeping through the night!!! I can see light at the end of the tunnel I am not jumping for joy at the thoughts of all that again!
We have a 7 seater and 4 bedrooms so no big change there.

How do people manage extra curricular activies/sports if they all play for different ages?

By having NO personal life :-D
My two eldest play on 5 teams between them and its a fair battle to keep up with it. Literally out every evening and one weekend day most weekends. Youngest gets brought along and knows every playground attached to GAA complexes in our vicinity. It was fine in the earliest years as they trained at the same time but its defintely more full on now. I spend my life confeering with the calendar to see if I can make something. If I don't I end up double or more often triple booking myself
But wouldn't trade it for the world. And actually i lie about the no personal time. You do fit it in. I am recently back doing sports myself and try to get a run in myself on the adjoining track if bringing them to training and my own team session is straight after one of theirs so they just hang out with their friends for that hour. It does for a long evening but when you're doing it for yourself you don't mind

wingnut

We have three, like others have said you never regret having them but not regret not. Like many here we are heading towards 40 - too late for four really and the last pregnancy was hard phsically.

Baby fit right in, great baby who is always happy and gets a smile out of everyone.

Find it tricky at the moment with the two toddlers and baby as things like getting the baby to bed with the other two in the house is trying so we work together and basically have 0 time to ourselves but that's what you sign up for I guess!

Family feels complete now, three healthy kids, what more could you ask for.

shesty

I keep telling myself it's not forever....the activities are beginning to pick up pace a bit here.Honestly, a few mums have offered to share duties with us on that front and I am aiming to limit the activitiestoo, I am not signing up for everything and anything.I work, there are only so many hours in a week and selfishly : I am a person too, I need some time aswell.

It's definitely insane, it's really hard but I can see how the years will vanish in the blink of an eye, and I wouldn't have felt we were complete without our third, personally :-)

lawred2

We're financially ruined by number three but wouldn't reverse the decision for a second..

The world is configured for the 2.2 family.. anything beyond that and it's just a string of practical headaches..

It's great

lazygal

In terms of activities, we don't do much. Myself and my husband need a life too. I saw my parents run ragged bringing us here, there and everywhere. They both have one thing they do once a week and that's it. Thankfully they've no interest in the GAA which definitely can consume family life.

csm

I agonised for months over having a third, while my wife was keen. Eventually I decided that, while it would be hard initially, in time I would regret only having two. It took a while to get pregnant, then there was a miscarriage which confirmed that I/we really wanted a third.

Then we had twins. No history in the family, it is just more likely with older women as it is more likely that multiple eggs are released in a cycle.

Five months in and we are just about coping, but it is no laughing matter. It is rough going. I'm sure things will change as they babies get older, but right now I would be happier with 2 rather than 4!

If/when you get to it, the Kia Carnival is a great car when you have too many kids

fits

I have heard of that happening to at least 2 other families csm. I love having twins. but it is demanding, and I wouldnt choose to have another set.

AulWan

Please do not listen to anyone who tells you that "you'll never regret the kids you have, but you might regret the ones you don't".

Its simply not true.

I know more then one person who did regret having that one more, and one who blames the extra child for destroying their marriage.

Base your family size on your own and your partner's feelings, no one elses.

wingnut

AulWan wrote: »

Please do not listen to anyone who tells you that "you'll never regret the kids you have, but you might regret the ones you don't".

Its simply not true.

I know more then one person who did regret having that one more, and one who blames the extra child for destroying their marriage.

Base your family size on your own and your partner's feelings, no one elses.

Seriously they blame the child for destroying their marriage???

AulWan

wingnut wrote: »

Seriously they blame the child for destroying their marriage???

I shall rephrase that. They blame having another child as being the catalyst that led to the breakdown of the marriage.

In a nutshell, the husband felt pressured into having #3 when he felt they couldn't afford it. His wife believed all the "you'll never regret it" "its only one more" palaver. After #3 arrived his wife sprung it on him that she was not returning to her job after maternity leave. Arguments ensued and resentments grew and the marriage broke down before child number 3 was 2 years old.

So my advice to anyone in this situation is to talk through every possible outome. What if its twins, will you be abe to manage if one of you has to give up work. Three children is typically the tipping point there. Basically, make sure you are both on the same page and happy to proceed, or there will be room for resentments to grow later on.

ted1

I found it to be a pain in the ar53.

Our kids were 6 and 4 when the 3rd came along. So we had no nappies prams etc. , we could go places and do things that you can’t do with babies. Etc.

With the third it’s right back to the beginning, which is grand if you don’t have older ones.

Your attention is split. No more is it you deal with her and I’ll get the other one.

He is 4 now and it’s all good. But I really didn’t enjoy going back to the beginning...

poker--addict

Appreciate raising a slightly old thread but don't see a more recent one- and the posters are likely to be at a stage they can comment on my query about older kids.

Curious about experiences as their family are getting older?

A lot of these threads focus on early years, like fact cost isn't too bad as you have everything.

Often the decision about more kids is made when the other kids are still very young too. nappies and sleep deprivation, it is what it is. What is less harder to imagine, unless you have big gaps in ages, is what is it like to raise 6 or 16 year olds.

I am curious about longer term cost/affordability, as kids go to school, indeed has anyone put 3 through university?

Also curious about time/capacity. Is it normal to be concerned that a third may a disservice to one and two, attention is split? For those in busy careers there must be a constant mental battle about being present enough with family? I have this with two, a third responsibility certainly won't help that.

Moonbeam

I have 4 and it is expensive.

My kids are January 09,11,13 and April 14 when they were little it was chaos and I loved it.

They are now 14,12,10 and 9 and are super independent, fight alot but are also best friends!!

Once you have 3 + you need a 7 seater car which limits choices,

Holidays become crazy expensive

Entry to everything is expensive

In Ireland back to school is $$$$

You loose your freedom for a few years

you need to feed,bath etc 4 of them and bedtime is still a battle where they are hungry thirsty and anyhting else they can think of!!

You need a bigger house or end up squashed with no space.

Music lesson,dance,football etc x 4

Bringing them to everything x4

I gave up work after #2 and childminded on and off for a few years. Husband travelled alot.

Saying that I always wanted 4 and love it.

Danzy

3rd has been the easiest to rare.

Glad we did.

poker--addict

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/121150512#Comment_121150512

How was it with other half away a lot? that's us!

is bedtime ever not a battle? 🤣🤣

afkasurfjunkie

Three kids are a pain in the ass when it comes to booking holidays. Love him to bits and all that but even trying to find a decent hotel break in Ireland that has a family room to accommodate 5 is painful.

Moonbeam

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/121151572#Comment_121151572

It was the way we knew it,it was easier alot of the time as when he was home he would "interfere" in our way of doing things which threw us. it was so tiring though.

JDD

I had my third at 40, a surprise baby boy. I had two girls already, aged 5 and 2 1/2 when he came along. I had difficult pregnancies, with pre-natal depression, and hadn't wanted a third. Plus we were paying €2000 a month in childcare as it was, and we were struggling financially. However, my husband was definitely delighted when I told him and tried to alleviate my financial concerns saying that we wouldn't need a new car or a bigger house, and that we'd make it all work.

A few weeks later we found out we were having a boy and that helped me bond with the pregnancy and it all seemed meant to be. I had a bit of an easier pregnancy and he was a very easy baby when he was born. He fit right in. However, it was apparent that we did need a new car, and a new house. The house we were in was miniscule. That caused a lot of stress in his first year and to be honest nearly broke us up. Then it became apparent that he wasn't hitting milestones, and he was diagnosed with autism.

Things are easier now - he's six and in school. But I can tell you honestly from the ages of 2 to 5 I regretted my decision to go ahead with a third child. There are still times that I regret it, even though he has less meltdowns now. He was so so difficult - so much time taken from the older two because he needed 1-1 assistance. My older two still think he's my favourite child because I spend so much time with him, and let him away with things that they weren't allowed get away with. Private diagnoses, private therapies, have cost a fortune. That's the thing about a third child - you have no free time left when you have two children, so the time sacrifice isn't actually yours, the time sacrifice is given up by the other two children. And the money sacrifice is 50/50 - yes, you'll have less expendable cash, but you also won't be able to afford activities that your older children want to do. You can balance that out in your head by saying "look at all the benefits they get by having another sibling though. Someone else to play with. Someone else to help them out when we are elderly". My older two don't get any of those benefits - they love their little brother for sure, but it mostly downside for them, and I feel sad for them when I think how it might have been with just the two of them. They will take the burden of looking after him when we can't.

And yes, holidays are definitely way more expensive. Get used to self-catering, because most hotels don't do rooms for five and interconnecting rooms add about 40% to the cost of your holiday. But that's the least of your worries.

Think carefully about it. 10% of our local primary school has children with additional needs. I can't say whether the majority were born to older mothers but research definitely backs up that fact. I'd probably be more positive about the whole thing if we didn't have the additional needs to deal with, but you really need to go into this with your eyes wide open.

poker--addict

Thank you for sharing JDD

Dial Hard

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/121172102#Comment_121172102

I'm child-free by choice so am nothing more than an observer on this thread but I just wanted to say, what an incredibly honest and open post, JDD. Fair play to you.

Quandary

we have 3 - a 6 ye old and 3 year old twins.

it’s great craic, sometimes, but…

we have no family support near us so it is extraordinarily difficult a lot of the time.

also child care was €2500 per month for a couple of years which crippled us.

wife and I have been waiting over 2 years to use a hotel voucher we got for a 40th. Still no idea when we’ll get the time.

When you have 2 healthy kids your have won the lottery imo. unless you have a strong support network then I would not have a 3rd.

I haven’t mentioned a multitude of other factors but think very very carefully before going ahead with the decision. thats just my opinion though

each to their own.

The_Honeybadger

We have three, youngest now 12, she was a surprise at the time. We live away from family and had no real support during their early years. Childcare costs were really really difficult to manage and the logistics of all their activities etc can still be a challenge.

As others have mentioned holidays are a nightmare and the move from 2 to 3 really limits your options.

Everyone’s situation is different and a good support network makes a huge difference

shesty

Love having 3.

Downside - it is usually "breaking point" for most families, someone's career suffers if you are both working parents with 3.

It's expensive.But that said life is expensive these days regardless, so honestly I'm not sure it makes a difference.To be honest, I never think "if I only had 2 kids, this would be cheaper/easier"...we have 3 and just have to get on with it.Certainly don't regret it and now that they are all in school it is definitely easier.

onrail

Such an eye opening thread. Me and my wife 35 and 36 have a boy and girl under 4.

We've both always wanted 3 kids. Finances would be tight but doable, but tbh the threat of disability scares me quite a bit. Is it really that bad after 35?