Have you ever ghosted someone?

ginandtonicsky

It's all the rage these days, this "ghosting" thing all the young wans are talking about.

I'm single and have had it happen to me a few times with some online dates. It sucks especially when it's someone you were beginning to like. But equally, it's something I've done a few times too, retrospectively because I wasn't confident or emotionally mature enough to say "thanks but no thanks". In dating, sometimes a "think you're great but don't feel the spark" can feel a bit of a risky / presumptuous thing to say, and in friendships sometimes you can be too scared to have an uncomfortable conversation or to let someone down by saying No. I like to think I'm a bit more mature these days though.

Curious to hear about other people's experiences though. Have you ghosted someone or been ghosted? Did you learn anything from it?

Grayson

.....

No, I have a conscience.

KikiLaRue

ginandtonicsky wrote: »

It's all the rage these days, this "ghosting" thing all the young wans are talking about.

I'm single and have had it happen to me a few times with some online dates. It sucks especially when it's someone you were beginning to like. But equally, it's something I've done a few times too, retrospectively because I wasn't confident or emotionally mature enough to say "thanks but no thanks".

Curious to hear about other people's experiences though. Have you ghosted someone or been ghosted? Did you learn anything from it?

I've had it happen.

I don't do it to others because I don't like it when it's done to me.

How hard is it to send a text that says "Nice to meet you but I don't think we have a lot in common, all the best"

Thelonious Monk

I don't think I actually have but I'm pretty sure it's happened to me. I may have not been interested but chatted a bit with them after a date anyway in the hope that my non interested texts would give them the message.
Anyway now I wouldn't go on many dates but usually afterwards if it doesn't work out there's kind of an agreed ceaseof communication and that's fine, nothing more to say. I have had women interested afterwards if we've had more than one date where I've found the best policy is to just say something like "Sorry I don't think it's really doing it for me" or something and that's the end of it.
I had a girl cancel on me a few hours before a date a few weeks ago, one I was getting on really well with and was looking forward to meeting, and she kind of fizzled out the texts afterwards and didn't rearrange, so that was a bit demoralising, I can only assume she met someone better looking on one of the bloody apps! But c'est la vie. I've jacked in the apps again now, I can only manage them in small doses.

Ghosting displays a person's character. It happened to me a few times and I just couldn't get my head around what stopped a simple "I'm sorry but.." text

Kimbot

Ghosting is hardly a new "rage": https://www.boards.ie/vbulletin/showthread.php?t=2057574768

Its been going on for years.......

rossie1977

Jon Snow 'ghosted' Ghost this past Sunday.

Snow truly is a bastard.

Thelonious Monk

rossie1977 wrote: »

Jon Snow 'ghosted' Ghost this past Sunday.

Snow truly is a bastard.

Instead of ghosting your next date just tell her you can't afford the CGI

Deebles McBeebles

Thelonious Monk wrote: »

Instead of ghosting your next date just tell her you can't afford the CGI

Cock Generated Insertion?

Kimbot

Thelonious Monk wrote: »

Instead of ghosting your next date just tell her you can't afford the CGI

The "Courtious Genital Insertion"??

SusieBlue

Does it count as ghosting if you hadn't actually gone on a date yet?

I started chatting to a guy on an app recently enough, he was very good looking, intelligent, nice, funny etc.
He was abroad with work for a few weeks so we couldn't go on a date, so we were texting on WhatsApp getting to know each other in the meantime. We got along like a house on fire.

We had been chatting nearly every day for about a month when I happened to come across one of his social media accounts.
Being nosy, I had a look and realised that he was in fact missing one of his front teeth as well as several others (and had been for a couple of years, it wasn't a recent accident. I found a decade old pic where all the teeth were also missing) and the remainder of his teeth were almost black in colour. I've honestly never seen anything like it in my life.
On Tinder all his pictures were of him smiling with his mouth closed, so I hadn't known.

It was a total dealbreaker for me and I felt really deceived as well. I wouldn't expect perfect pearly whites & wouldn't consider myself to be overly shallow but I would never have matched with him had I seen any of the pics on his social media.

Anyway it got really awkward, I was annoyed but appreciated it was something he was probably self conscious about so I didn't want to confront him about it. Instead I just stopped replying to his messages & eventually blocked him when he started getting aggressive with me.

Its the one and only time I've ever ghosted someone & I did feel guilty because he really pushed me to say why I was no longer interested, but I figured ghosting would hurt his feelings less than admitting I'd found pictures of what his teeth are really like & no longer found him attractive.

RWCNT

Think I've had it done to me once or twice, wasn't particularly invested in the courtships so it didn't impact me too much.

Question: How long do you have to have been seeing someone in order to "ghost" them? I've heard people use the term to describe people they've had one date with that they didn't hear from again.

Thelonious Monk

RWCNT wrote: »

Think I've had it done to me once or twice, wasn't particularly invested in the courtships so it didn't impact me too much.

Question: How long do you have to have been seeing someone in order to "ghost" them? I've heard people use the term to describe people they've had one date with that they didn't hear from again.

No amount of time. I think it's more like after a date if you sent "Hey that was great maybe we should do it again some time?" and they just blank you completely. That's what I would call ghosting. What's the harm in saying soz bbz i'm not interested lol xx.

Thelonious Monk

SusieBlue wrote: »

Does it count as ghosting if you hadn't actually gone on a date yet?

I started chatting to a guy on an app recently enough, he was very good looking, intelligent, nice, funny etc....

This is why molar close ups are essential before meeting up

theteal

SusieBlue wrote: »

eventually blocked him when he started getting aggressive with me.

Dafuq? Dodged a bullet by the looks of it.

Dial Hard

SusieBlue wrote: »

On Tinder all his pictures were of him smiling with his mouth closed, so I hadn't known.

It was a total dealbreaker for me and I felt really deceived as well. I wouldn't expect perfect pearly whites & wouldn't consider myself to be overly shallow but I would never have matched with him had I seen any of the pics on his social media.

If I can't get a decent butcher's at someone's teeth in any of their profile pics, I won't swipe right, genuinely. If someone isn't showing their delph in *any* of their pics, there's a reason for it.

As for your scenario, it's a tough one alright. I am generally very anti-ghosting but it might have been the kindest solution for everyone in your case.

And this, folks, is why you shouldn't be deliberately misleading about any physical shortcomings in your pics. It's just awkward for everyone involved when they're finally revealed.

Apt8

I was going out with a girl some time back, we'd been seeing each other for nearly 2 years and out of nowhere she ghosted me. Months later I ran into her with her new fella and the look on her face said it all.

Messed me up for a long time, I ended up dropping out of college and moving county over it. Looking back it was foolish to let it get to me so much, but I didn't see any way past it at the time and I couldn't stand the thought of running into her again.

Wouldn't wish it on anyone, still things have a way of working out for the better.

KikiLaRue

SusieBlue wrote: »

Its the one and only time I've ever ghosted someone & I did feel guilty because he really pushed me to say why I was no longer interested, but I figured ghosting would hurt his feelings less than admitting I'd found pictures of what his teeth are really like & no longer found him attractive.

I think I would have gone with a white lie here. Text less for a few days and then something like "Hey, I met someone at the weekend and we really hit it off so I'm going to give it a go with him - shame we never got to meet up, it's been great chatting to you."

If I had been chatting to someone a lot for a month and then out of nowhere they blanked me I'd be upset.

KikiLaRue

Apt8 wrote: »

I was going out with a girl some time back, we'd been seeing each other for nearly 2 years and out of nowhere she ghosted me. Months later I ran into her with her new fella and the look on her face said it all.

Messed me up for a long time, I ended up dropping out of college and moving county over it. Looking back it was foolish to let it get to me so much, but I didn't see any way past it at the time and I couldn't stand the thought of running into her again.

Wouldn't wish it on anyone, still things have a way of working out for the better.

That's f**king horrendous, what a terrible person.

Kimbot

I met a girl online a few years ago, chatted away for months and one day she literally begged me to meet up with her that evening. Now I worked 2 hours drive from where I lived and she lived a further 45 mins from my home. She wanted to meet at 8 but I only finished work at 5 meaning I was going to be in my grubby clothes from work and she said that was fine. Now I wore jeans/hoody and they were clean etc so off I drove and met up with her. We went for a drive and a chat etc and things went well. I got home she text saying she really enjoyed meeting up with me and couldn't wait to do it again. That was the last I heard from her. I text her once but got no reply so I left it. Couple of months later and on the same dating site she started chatting to me again as if she never spoke to me before...... Needless to say I ghosted her then.

Tell me how

Have I done it? No.
Have I been accused of it? Yes.

Short term relationship who I told we weren't going to go anywhere spent 2 weeks texting me as if I had said nothing, and then told mutual friends I had ghosted her.

Church on Tuesday

KikiLaRue wrote: »

I've had it happen.

I don't do it to others because I don't like it when it's done to me.

How hard is it to send a text that says "Nice to meet you but I don't think we have a lot in common, all the best"

Most women don't like conflict, so it's easier to just ghost. Some men do it too and that shows a certain lack of maturity in those men.

We live in a throw away society now, so this stuff is to be expected.

Still not great form and not something I'd do myself.

ginandtonicsky

I think the definition varies depending on who you're talking to.

I've been in the position of meeting a guy for a first date, it's blatantly obvious neither of us feel a spark and we just cease communication the moment the date is over. No love lost, neither of us care.

I wouldn't really consider myself "ghosted" if I was kinda chatting to someone from a dating app and then he stopped replying. That's a stranger you've never met presumably getting distracted by someone else or life in general. Depends on the cadence of the contact though - if you're texting all day every day and there's a sudden drop, yes that's ghosting.

The guy with the bad teeth is tricky. That would totally be a deal-breaker for me too. Not sure how I'd react in that scenario.

I met a guy through a dating app about 6 months ago who looked NOTHING like his photos. I mean...nothing. He was bald, overweight and about 5"6 compared to his photos which were clearly him 10 years before living his best, fit and fully haired life. I sat through it and it was evident there was just awkward small talk where the spark should be, so thought right, I guess I'll just not text him again then. Turns out he ended up sending me the "clearly there's no chemistry" text, which was an interesting show of integrity seeing as he had blatantly lied 100% about his appearance to get the date in the first place.

Really don't get people who make these big efforts to hide their physical features on these things. They must deal with non-stop ghosting in the real world.

Kimbot

Church on Tuesday wrote: »

Most women don't like conflict, so it's easier to just ghost. Some men do it too and that shows a certain lack of maturity in those men.

So only the men in that situation are lacking maturity?

Mister Vain

I don't have my teeth showing in any of my photos. Not that there's anything wrong with them, I just never really thaught about it.

BrokenArrows

Apt8 wrote: »

I was going out with a girl some time back, we'd been seeing each other for nearly 2 years and out of nowhere she ghosted me. Months later I ran into her with her new fella and the look on her face said it all.

Messed me up for a long time, I ended up dropping out of college and moving county over it. Looking back it was foolish to let it get to me so much, but I didn't see any way past it at the time and I couldn't stand the thought of running into her again.

Wouldn't wish it on anyone, still things have a way of working out for the better.

Jesus thats ****ing harsh.
Ghosting is usually in the context on a minor fling or only dating for a short period. But two ****ing years. My god, what a bitch.

SusieBlue

Thelonious Monk wrote: »

This is why molar close ups are essential before meeting up

Dial Hard wrote: »

If I can't get a decent butcher's at someone's teeth in any of their profile pics, I won't swipe right, genuinely. If someone isn't showing their delph in *any* of their pics, there's a reason for it.

As for your scenario, it's a tough one alright. I am generally very anti-ghosting but it might have been the kindest solution for everyone in your case.

And this, folks, is why you shouldn't be deliberately misleading about any physical shortcomings in your pics. It's just awkward for everyone involved when they're finally revealed.

A lesson learned the hard way, for me at least.
Its something I'll be more aware of in the future.
He's a very well polished guy with impeccable dress sense, and he'd definitely have the funds to fix the issue. I can only presume he has a massive fear of the dentist, which is both what caused the issue in the first place & also what's preventing him from fixing the problem now.
I can't think of any other reason why they'd still be in that condition at the age of 30 when they've been like that for at least a decade.

I actually feel really sorry for him because he must get ghosted quite regularly over it.

Gannicus

I was ghosted by someone years ago. It was actually someone I met here, yes a fellow Boardsie

We had been seeing each other whenever they came up to Dublin as work had them up here frequently enough.

I thought things were going great and the person invited me down to stay them. We arranged a bank hoiliday weekend so we could spend all of it together and I was super excited. They told me to text them when I was leaving here and they would organise where to meet them after they finished work before we went up to their house. All that week I thought they were as excited as me telling me they were looking forward to it.

Friday comes. I leave work (a bit early) and start driving down to them. As I hopped in the car I texted to say I was on my way and when I got down there I still had no response. I tried ringing, texting, facebooking and nada. I had driven 3.5 hours with no alternative accomodation to see them only for them to ghost on me. Never heard back from them so I was faced with a long drive home with quite the sunken heart. Still to this day I have never heard from them.

yourdeadwright

Just me or would it have bene gold if no one replied to the Thread

Gannicus

yourdeadwright wrote: »

Just me or would it have bene gold if no one replied to the Thread

you're absolutely right that should have been the case.

ginandtonicsky

Gannicus wrote: »

I was ghosted by someone years ago. It was actually someone I met here, yes a fellow Boardsie

We had been seeing each other whenever they came up to Dublin as work had them up here frequently enough.

I thought things were going great and the person invited me down to stay them. We arranged a bank hoiliday weekend so we could spend all of it together and I was super excited. They told me to text them when I was leaving here and they would organise where to meet them after they finished work before we went up to their house. All that week I thought they were as excited as me telling me they were looking forward to it.

Friday comes. I leave work (a bit early) and start driving down to them. As I hopped in the car I texted to say I was on my way and when I got down there I still had no response. I tried ringing, texting, facebooking and nada. I had driven 3.5 hours with no alternative accomodation to see them only for them to ghost on me. Never heard back from them so I was faced with a long drive home with quite the sunken heart. Still to this day I have never heard from them.

Bizarre. Do they still post on boards? Did you send them a PM after that?

yourdeadwright

Apt8 wrote: »

I was going out with a girl some time back, we'd been seeing each other for nearly 2 years and out of nowhere she ghosted me. Months later I ran into her with her new fella and the look on her face said it all.

Messed me up for a long time, I ended up dropping out of college and moving county over it. Looking back it was foolish to let it get to me so much, but I didn't see any way past it at the time and I couldn't stand the thought of running into her again.

Wouldn't wish it on anyone, still things have a way of working out for the better.

Jesus Christ on a bike, If I wasn't a nice person i would say something like you should have made her a ghost

its a joke folks do not harm others ,

Boom_Bap

Years ago I was seeing a girl, we were having great fun together.
She was supposed to meet me at a certain spot at a certain time, one we used before. She even called me to tell me she was on the way, but she never turned up.
Didn't hear from her again.


I was telling the lads about it and they mentioned that they may know something about it. They were texting her from my phone a few days earlier saying mad sh*t to her and she probably done that to me for some sort of revenge.
Shame really, she was good fun.

Gannicus

ginandtonicsky wrote: »

Bizarre. Do they still post on boards? Did you send them a PM after that?

I haven't seen them post here in years. Their account is closed now (i think)

ginandtonicsky

Gannicus wrote: »

I haven't seen them here in ages.

I wonder if someone who does something like that has some serious personal issues, intimacy problems or something.

I can kind of understand not wanting to have an uncomfortable conversation or being bad at confrontation, but to lead someone down that kind of trail and allow them to travel halfway across the country and then just disappear...it's not normal behaviour.

Hector Savage

Christ I am glad I am past all that dating shyte, how shallow people are ....

Gannicus

ginandtonicsky wrote: »

I wonder if someone who does something like that has some serious personal issues, intimacy problems or something.

I can kind of understand not wanting to have an uncomfortable conversation or being bad at confrontation, but to lead someone down that kind of trail and allow them to travel halfway across the country and then just disappear...it's not normal behaviour.

I don't know. Part of me would like to know why she did it. But I've moved on and in a happy healthy relationship now so I tend to not care either.

Hector Savage wrote: »

Christ I am glad I am past all that dating shyte, how shallow people are ....

I'm glad you're passed all that dating shyte too

Church on Tuesday

Kimbot wrote: »

So only the men in that situation are lacking maturity?

Man here.

Woman are emotional beings. They don't like conflict, so it is easier to ghost. You can call it immature behavior if you want,but there's more to it than that. If a woman's attraction level in you is low in the first place, and you've been pen pals for a few weeks (not recommended BTW) and won't commit to a date and you then keep badgering her, when she has actually subliminally told you she's not interested, she will then ghost.

Men who ghost are immature. It's a man who typically will ask the date, set the date etc. If he can set the date, then he should have the cop on to cancel the date also or express his lack of attraction after the initial date. Men are supposed to be assertive after all.

Tell me how

Church on Tuesday wrote: »

Man here.

Woman are emotional beings. They don't like conflict, so it is easier to ghost. You can call it immature behavior if you want,but there's more to it than that. If a woman's attraction level in you is low in the first place, and you've been pen pals for a few weeks (not recommended BTW) and won't commit to a date and you then keep badgering her, when she has actually subliminally told you she's not interested, she will then ghost.

Men who ghost are immature. It's a man who typically will ask the date, set the date etc. If he can set the date, then he should have the cop on to cancel the date also or express his lack of attraction after the initial date. Men are supposed to be assertive after all.

I think you are excessive in suggesting that men and women mostly behave in a gender specific way and these stereotypes are more urban myth than based in reality.

Church on Tuesday

Tell me how wrote: »

I think you are excessive in suggesting that men and women mostly behave in a gender specific way and these stereotypes are more urban myth than based in reality.

From years of experience and watching people very closely, I really beg to differ.

razorblunt

Jeez that ghosting after 2 years is horrific.
That's not even ghosting, it would definitely mess you up.
To me it would feel like a sudden and tragic bereavement, with no closure until you saw them and then that opens a whole other can of worms.

Sorry you had to go through that, OP.

Dial Hard

Boom_Bap wrote: »

I was telling the lads about it and they mentioned that they may know something about it. They were texting her from my phone a few days earlier saying mad sh*t to her and she probably done that to me for some sort of revenge.
Shame really, she was good fun.

This is why I will never understand men. That is not remotely funny, or "craic" or (preserve us) "banter". It's downright puerile behaviour, and cruel to boot.

notsoyoungwan

I was ghosted after a year long relationship. I’d been going out with a man for a year, he was in the UK, I was in Ireland. We used meet most weekends, and it was going fine, or so I thought. Out of the blue, he disappeared from my life. Stopped answering his phone, ringing me, replying to/sending messages, stopped email contact etc. Neither of us had Facebook at the time, it was the days of MSN messenger and he disappeared from that too. Totally out of the blue. It was so abrupt and out of character that I actually wondered if he had died. I knew someone who knew him in the uk and they were able to find out he was ok, so then I figured it out. I still think of it as a really cowardly way to treat someone. If he'd said (or even emailed to say) that he'd met someone else, or had lost interest, I'd have been hurt but I'd have coped fine. The way he did it, I was left totally bewildered and stunned.

KerryGoat

Personally I haven't but I have been ghosted and knew I was being ghosted and it felt horrid. I'd rather a brutal rejection over it anyday.

pq0n1ct4ve8zf5

Church on Tuesday wrote: »

Man here.

Woman are emotional beings. They don't like conflict, so it is easier to ghost. You can call it immature behavior if you want,but there's more to it than that. If a woman's attraction level in you is low in the first place, and you've been pen pals for a few weeks (not recommended BTW) and won't commit to a date and you then keep badgering her, when she has actually subliminally told you she's not interested, she will then ghost.

Men who ghost are immature. It's a man who typically will ask the date, set the date etc. If he can set the date, then he should have the cop on to cancel the date also or express his lack of attraction after the initial date. Men are supposed to be assertive after all.

You got some odd and inflexible views on women man. "They're ruled by their emotions poor little pets, we must coddle them and be strong manly men for these mysterious sexy princesses" isn't any less sexist than similar infantilising opinions expressed without your veneer of respect or whatever it is you think you're conveying you know.

Anyways yeah I did once ghost someone, and it took some doing considering we had three classes together and were on the same school bus route :pac: I literally didn't know what to do so I just ignored the whole situation.

Obvious Desperate Breakfasts

Boom_Bap wrote: »

Years ago I was seeing a girl, we were having great fun together.
She was supposed to meet me at a certain spot at a certain time, one we used before. She even called me to tell me she was on the way, but she never turned up.
Didn't hear from her again.


I was telling the lads about it and they mentioned that they may know something about it. They were texting her from my phone a few days earlier saying mad sh*t to her and she probably done that to me for some sort of revenge.
Shame really, she was good fun.

Your friends are gobshítes.

DEFTLEFTHAND

I offloaded a toxic friend about 5 yrs back.

Guy was always in trouble, asking me for money and whatnot. He has a domineering personality. I was being used.

I just stopped communicating with him. We live in different ends of the country so that helped.

Church on Tuesday

Edith Early Upstairs wrote: »

You got some odd and inflexible views on women man. "They're ruled by their emotions poor little pets, we must coddle them and be strong manly men for these mysterious sexy princesses" isn't any less sexist than similar infantilising opinions expressed without your veneer of respect or whatever it is you think you're conveying you know.

Anyways yeah I did once ghost someone, and it took some doing considering we had three classes together and were on the same school bus route :pac: I literally didn't know what to do so I just ignored the whole situation.

Are you a woman?

pq0n1ct4ve8zf5

Church on Tuesday wrote: »

Are you a woman?

Yep

pq0n1ct4ve8zf5

Edith Early Upstairs wrote: »

Yep

Although surely, given your extensive objective observational experience you should just be able to take a 3 minute scan through someone's posts and be able to tell? And yet that's the second time in a few days I've seen you ask someone their gender before deciding how to engage with them. Hmm.