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Boyfriend problems

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    #32
    Charles Ingles
    Banned (with Prison Access) Posts: 1,181 ✭✭✭Charles Ingles


    Sorry to hear about your troubles.
    Your boyfriend needs a lot of support right now, your can help him get through it.
    Don't be too hard on him you will push him away.
    He needs to go gamblers anonymous, with your support you can both get over this and move on.
    Love him and trust him that will help him.


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    #33
    punisher5112
    Registered Users Posts: 24,647 ✭✭✭✭punisher5112


    Charles Ingles wrote: »
    Sorry to hear about your troubles.
    Your boyfriend needs a lot of support right now, your can help him get through it.
    Don't be too hard on him you will push him away.
    He needs to go gamblers anonymous, with your support you can both get over this and move on.
    Love him and trust him that will help him.

    Trust him..... Charles you're hilarious....

    How can you trust a prolific gambler???


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    #34
    piplip87
    Registered Users Posts: 2,107 ✭✭✭piplip87


    The problem with self exclusion is that there's literally hundreds of gambling sites and if you self exclude from 30 of them there's always another one to open an account in.

    He needs to hit rock bottom to get over this addiction. Allowing him access to a joint account, bailing him out or even making excuses for him is enabling him.

    You need to move all funds in the joint account somewhere he cannot access it. You need to to ask yourself if he was putting all his money up his nose or drinking it all would you put up with it ?

    From what I gather your best off cutting your losses and getting out of it.


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    #35
    Big Bag of Chips
    Administrators Posts: 13,778 Admin ✭✭✭✭✭Big Bag of Chips


    Charles, I really do believe you have a very simplistic view of the world. By going to GamAnon herself the OP will be told, and will indeed learn that she simply cannot trust her partner. He lies. Daily. Multiple times a day.

    OP, unless he commits to looking for external support to stop his gambling then you would be a fool to blindly trust him. It's a nice idea in theory. But it is an idea that will leave you with a millstone around your neck. The longer you trust him and support him the deeper into debt you are getting him, and by extension yourself.

    Of course, if he puts his hands up and commits to stopping, self excludes, gives you full access to and full control of all his finances, goes to Gamblers Anonymous and is sincere in his efforts to stop completely and clear his own debts which will involve talking to banks, credit card companies, possibly companies he has unpaid bills with, friends and family he has borrowed from etc. then there might be a time where you can trust him again. This isn't a problem that will be sorted with him saying "I promise I won't gamble anymore".

    Until he is prepared to do all that, there is nothing you can do for him. All you can do is start to protect yourself and get as much information as you can about the world you are now in.


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    #36
    Nikki Sixx
    Closed Accounts Posts: 426 ✭✭Nikki Sixx


    It sounds awful, but threaten to tell his parents the full extent of what’s going on.


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    #37
    Charles Ingles
    Banned (with Prison Access) Posts: 1,181 ✭✭✭Charles Ingles


    Big Bag of Chips wrote: »
    Charles, I really do believe you have a very simplistic view of the world. By going to GamAnon herself the OP will be told, and will indeed learn that she simply cannot trust her partner. He lies. Daily. Multiple times a day.

    OP, unless he commits to looking for external support to stop his gambling then you would be a fool to blindly trust him. It's a nice idea in theory. But it is an idea that will leave you with a millstone around your neck. The longer you trust him and support him the deeper into debt you are getting him, and by extension yourself.

    Of course, if he puts his hands up and commits to stopping, self excludes, gives you full access to and full control of all his finances, goes to Gamblers Anonymous and is sincere in his efforts to stop completely and clear his own debts which will involve talking to banks, credit card companies, possibly companies he has unpaid bills with, friends and family he has borrowed from etc. then there might be a time where you can trust him again. This isn't a problem that will be sorted with him saying "I promise I won't gamble anymore".

    Until he is prepared to do all that, there is nothing you can do for him. All you can do is start to protect yourself and get as much information as you can about the world you are now in.

    I know the symptoms of addiction.
    Anybody I know who has got over any addiction had only gotten through it with the love and support of a partner.


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    #38
    Ursus Horribilis
    Closed Accounts Posts: 6,168 ✭✭✭Ursus Horribilis


    I've a friend who worked for a well known gambling company for a while. Not in a shop but in customer service. Needless to say she has lots of stories to tell about problematic gambling and none of them make for pleasant listening. To a certain extent, gambling in a relationship is like a never ending game of cat and mouse.

    I'm not somebody who immediately jumps for the "Dump him" option but I think you need to seriously consider what you're getting yourself into here. There are lots of alcoholics and drug addicts and gamblers out there who are very nice people. But who make for dreadful life partners. Unless this guy genuinely wants to stop gambling and takes concrete steps to do so, you're in for a bumpy ride. I think you need to gather as much first hand information as you can about gambling. That means talking to (not googling) people who've been there, done that, worn the t-shirt. I think you'll find it insightful.


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    #39
    Big Bag of Chips
    Administrators Posts: 13,778 Admin ✭✭✭✭✭Big Bag of Chips


    I also know addicts who had all the love and support they could possibly need and it wasn't enough. I have a family member who has lost his wife, children, home, many of his friends and even his own family are starting to turn away because they realise unless he is serious about stopping, all the love and support in the world isn't going to make any difference.

    Of course addicts need the love and support of their loved ones to overcome addiction. But first and foremost THEY need to make the very conscious decision to stop. If that decision is never made, then it's a fools errand to love and support them in a non-existent recovery.

    Mod Edit:
    Please do not quote lengthy replies, Charles Ingles. It clogs the thread with duplicate text.


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    #40
    nw5iytvs0lf1uz
    Closed Accounts Posts: 140 ✭✭nw5iytvs0lf1uz


    Notuser18 wrote: »
    Close the joint account for a start and take back what money is yours before he gets it. You're going to need to walk away eventually if he won't get help.

    Or if there is a delay in closing account stop putting money in it


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    #41
    dellas1979
    Closed Accounts Posts: 4,128 ✭✭✭dellas1979


    cannotlogin wrote: »
    You are a far bigger gambler than him.

    You are risking your entire future on a guy with a huge problem.

    I think this hits the nail on the head.

    I think you are beyond nuts if you want to try and take out a mortgage with a gambler. Nuts!

    Do you realise you are setting yourself up for years of heartache both emotionally and financially? All for what, "love"? Love? This guy has told you he will walk away from you.

    And I bet any money (sorry for the pun) he will twist it and make you feel bad, to devoid responsibility. You'll then try fix him/the situation...this story is as old as time OP.

    What happens if by some miracle you and him get a joint mortgage, and in 3 years time, he gambles everything away or walks away, or both, and you are left with a hefty mortgage. Where will love get you then? Banks dont take that as a reason.

    Its time for you to look after yourself. If you dont know how to do that (and I think you dont), I would advise you to talk to a councellor.


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    #42
    Ursus Horribilis
    Closed Accounts Posts: 6,168 ✭✭✭Ursus Horribilis


    Boyfriend Problems Gambling wrote: »
    He has been in debt with loans before but thankfully this is all now clear.

    How do you know this for sure? Have you got paperwork to prove this? And while we're on that note, what was his track record for making repayments like? As far as I know, it takes 6 years for missed payments to roll off a person's Irish Credit Bureau record.

    Him admitting he has a problem isn't some sort of significant revelation either. He has no other option, seeing as you're trying to save for a deposit. I woudn't read too much into him getting upset either. Getting upset and talking about breaking up are easy options. Going to Gambler's Anonymous would mean taking steps on the road to never placing another bet ever again. It doesn't sound like he's anywhere near that stage. Maybe he never will get there. Despite the debt, his finances coming under scrutiny, the steps you've taken to try and stop gambling and your future plans. What do you think it would take to stop him, seeing as what he has isn't enough?


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