Me or what

Rosepetals85

Meeting a lovely kind man this 3 months. All good except for one thing. He has never came ever during sex in the 3 months I have been with him not even if we try anal sex. He said he masturbated a lot during when he wasn’t meeting anyone so he told me he gave that up so he can come when we have sex. He has said twice he was 30 seconds from coming but was wrecked as he could go for ages. I asked him how long did it take him in his last relationship to come and he said ten minutes. I’m starting to feel extremely insecure and down about my body etc and think I’m the problem. I’m at a lost what to do as I’m getting a bit fed up with it as it’s starting to make me feel like ****. Any advice on why he is like this. Thank you in advance.

Ricosruffneck

I'd say abstain from whacking off/sex for a week and then go back at it.

The Dam will burst

Rosepetals85

We even tried that for two weeks and it’s still doesn’t help. I’m starting to get annoyed with it at this stage.

Ricosruffneck

Rosepetals85 wrote: »

We even tried that for two weeks and it’s still doesn’t help. I’m starting to get annoyed with it at this stage.

Do you live together? If not, he's jacking off at home. Without a doubt.

Rosepetals85

No we don’t but what I can’t understand is that he can’t even come during anal sex. I’m at a loss at what to do now and it’s getting down about myself

Augme

I wouldn't get hung up on it so much. Chances are if you make it a big deal it is just going to make it worse and less likely he will cum.

Rosepetals85

Thank you for your reply. I appreciate it

zapper55

From what I hear this is incredibly incredibly common. I've experienced it too and it does knock your confidence. It's called delayed ejaculation.

I disagree that you should ignore it. After 3 months it's not going to change by itself. I ignored it before and not only did it never get better but it really hit my confidence and the guy refused to discuss it. Also I found it very uncomfortable after ages of him not coming. That never seemed to occur to him.

I'd suggest to him that he speaks to his doctor about it.

Rosepetals85

Thank you, there is times I feel like crying especially after he said it only took ten minutes with his ex, we tried no sex or him masturbating for two weeks but I’m convinced he has and denied it. I thought maybe anal sex would help but he still can’t come with that. I’m holding on because I really like him and we are great togather apart from this.

wiggle16

How much foreplay are you doing? Can he orgasm to a handjob or oral? Or is it just penetrative sex?

OP I understand why it's making you feel this way but the fact that he hasn't orgasmed doesn't have anything to do with you. Believe me. He still wants to have sex with you, and does, so he has to fancy you.
If he can ejaculate alone then it's most likely a form of performance anxiety - which is usually rooted in really liking the person you are with and worrying about not pleasing them rather than not liking them. It's not a reflection on you, okay?

How much foreplay do you guys do?

Rosepetals85

We do a good a bit, he can only manage to come when he masturbates himself, like we could have sex for ages and he wouldn’t come but the minute he masturbates after sex he would have no problem coming. I thought at first it was the firm grip of his hand that he was use to so I thought anal sex would help but he still wasn’t able. This is going on 3 months and when he said it only took 10 minutes with his ex my confidence took a nose dive. I don’t know what to do and it’s starting to affect me

Jurgen Klopp

In fairness you should be worried if he can't get an erection, he obviously can so he wants to fcuk you

Why not just have sex and then finish him off with a hand job, get him to guide you on what motions he finds best

cd07

Rosepetals85 wrote:

Thank you for your reply. I appreciate it

Is your partner on any medication? I know a lot of medication especially for anxiety and or depression can cause this problem.

Rachiee

If he can come when he is masturbating it sounds like it's do do with wherever his head is at when he is engaging in intercourse, it could be pressure or anxiety, or maybe he is into some kink that he is not ready to discuss.
No advice just to say I wouldn't take it as being anything to do with you as an earlier poster said he is getting erect so most likely fancies you and wants to have sex with you.

Rosepetals85

No I don’t think he is on medication, I think it’s got to do with him being single for a good while and just got so use to his hand to make himself come. I don’t know, it’s the only thing I can think off.

AndrewJRenko

See if you can find a way to make sure that he's not playing with himself for a few days, maybe by spending time with him yourself or similar.

LegacyUser

Rosepetals85 wrote: »

No I don’t think he is on medication, I think it’s got to do with him being single for a good while and just got so use to his hand to make himself come. I don’t know, it’s the only thing I can think off.

Could it be down to alcohol/drug use?

Rosepetals85

God know, he is actually very shy. I don’t think he tried anal sex until he met me cos he kept saying I’m afraid I’ll hurt you.

Red Lightning

Rosepetals85 wrote:

No I don’t think he is on medication, I think it’s got to do with him being single for a good while and just got so use to his hand to make himself come. I don’t know, it’s the only thing I can think off.

I agree here. Nothing to do with you imo. Just not used to it.

IamtheWalrus

Is the sex with a condom? If not, pregnancy anxiety?

Also, you’re taking this way too personally. Stop comparing yourself to his ex. It’s ruining you.

valoren

As mentioned he has delayed ejaculation. The ten minute remark about his ex tells me that he had found his 'button' so to speak i.e. a position where he was comfortable enough to finish in quickly. Importantly, that's no indication of a lack of desire from him towards you so ignore it.

Tell him he needs to find a position which allows him to feel comfortable with you now. He needs to experiment with positions. When he masturbates to a finish does he do so while lying down on his back? He is likely conditioned to finish in a specific position. I would recommend you try the spooning position with him where he penetrates from behind and has control over his thrusting. He will eventually find the button i.e. his point of no return . As he's lying down he'll feel more comfortable and if he abstains for at least a week then eventually he will be able to finish. In future, he'll have the confidence to know he can finish in that specific position while you get to benefit from his endurance in every other position.

TheBoyConor

Ye don't say what age ye are?

If he is more than 45 he may be suffering from some sort of sexual dysfunction because of declining hormones in his system.He shoudl see a gp about it.

It could also be that from being single he could have developed a masturbation addition and has desensitised himself due to him pulling himself with a tight karate grip. You could try strengthening your pelvic floor with kegel exercises to see if this helps.

Have you tried costumes? Stuff like wigs and role play can be fun

WTF! lol. How is a wig going to help him finish?

Rosepetals85

IamtheWalrus wrote: »

Is the sex with a condom? If not, pregnancy anxiety?

Also, you’re taking this way too personally. Stop comparing yourself to his ex. It’s ruining you.

No we don’t use use them

Rosepetals85

TheBoyConor wrote: »

Ye don't say what age ye are?

If he is more than 45 he may be suffering from some sort of sexual dysfunction because of declining hormones in his system.He shoudl see a gp about it.

It could also be that from being single he could have developed a masturbation addition and has desensitised himself due to him pulling himself with a tight karate grip. You could try strengthening your pelvic floor with kegel exercises to see if this helps.



WTF! lol. How is a wig going to help him finish?

We are both in our 30’s. If he can’t come from anal sex I’ll doubt he will come front passage.
Ye the wig I find a bit creepy 😂

Rosepetals85

valoren wrote: »

As mentioned he has delayed ejaculation. The ten minute remark about his ex tells me that he had found his 'button' so to speak i.e. a position where he was comfortable enough to finish in quickly. Importantly, that's no indication of a lack of desire from him towards you so ignore it.

Tell him he needs to find a position which allows him to feel comfortable with you now. He needs to experiment with positions. When he masturbates to a finish does he do so while lying down on his back? He is likely conditioned to finish in a specific position. I would recommend you try the spooning position with him where he penetrates from behind and has control over his thrusting. He will eventually find the button i.e. his point of no return . As he's lying down he'll feel more comfortable and if he abstains for at least a week then eventually he will be able to finish. In future, he'll have the confidence to know he can finish in that specific position while you get to benefit from his endurance in every other position.

Thank you I’ll try that out, just getting frustrating now

xi5yvm0owc1s2b

OP, it can be a vicious cycle. Achieving orgasm for a man is partly psychological, just as it is for women. The more self-conscious he becomes about not finishing inside you, the more anxiety he will feel while having sex, which can itself inhibit his ability to ejaculate.

The key here could be to take the pressure off. Just enjoy sex. If penetration is going on too long for you, let him finish himself off -- but if sex ends that way, don't see yourself as a failure. Don't think about his ex. Focus on creating intimacy and comfort between the two of you, and the problem may resolve itself.

Also, anal sex is not a silver bullet. If he can't finish during vaginal intercourse, switching to anal isn't necessarily going to fix the issue, which may be partly or mostly in his head, after all.

TheBoyConor

As well as the other measures suggested you could try out the kegel exercises too. That will strengthen up your pelvic muscles and if you tense then during sex it should give him more intense stimulation which should help him to ejaculate.

Also, if ye use condoms perhaps exchange them for some other type of contraceptive because they massively reduce the intensity of stimulation for a male.

In my experience 20-30 minutes with versus probably just 5 minutes or maybe even less without.

wetlandsboy

Just a thought: I’m not too certain why the pressure is always on the man to cum. Frequently, women don’t cum during sex, but no issue is made of it. Granted, this is from my experience. For me, sometimes I climax during sex, and sometimes I don’t. It’s the same for my partner, but I certainly don’t take it personally.

Rosepetals85

Rosepetals85 wrote: »

I can’t understand is that he can’t even come during anal sex

Rosepetals85 wrote: »

If he can’t come from anal sex I’ll doubt he will come front passage

Rosepetals85 wrote: »

I don’t think he tried anal sex until he met me cos he kept saying I’m afraid I’ll hurt you.

Why do you think he should be as into anal sex as you appear to be? Perhaps this is part of the problem.

Persiancowboy

Deleted User wrote: »

Why do you think he should be as into anal sex as you appear to be? Perhaps this is part of the problem.

Absolutely......Op has mentioned anal sex in practically every one of her posts.....WHY?????

I suspect this poor guy is being put under way too much pressure to "perform".....

racso1975

That's not fair. She outlined why they started anal and its obvious she believes the fact its tighter there should make it easier for him to cum

xi5yvm0owc1s2b

racso1975 wrote: »

That's not fair. She outlined why they started anal and its obvious she believes the fact its tighter there should make it easier for him to cum

I think the OP is too focused on creating physical stimuli that she believes should make her partner ejaculate, when the underlying cause is potentially psychological.

It's probably a vicious cycle. She feels frustrated and inadequate because he can't finish inside her, especially because he could manage it with his ex. Aware of her feelings, he probably experiences stress and performance anxiety during sex that is only compounding the problem. Both of them probably come away from a sexual encounter feeling like failures.

I think they both need to shift perspective. Just try to relax and enjoy each other without focusing on whether, where, and how he finishes. If they can create an atmosphere of mutual support, understanding, and comfort -- as opposed to anxiety and frustration -- it's all the more likely that the problem will resolve itself.

Neyite

Slow it right down.

Right now you are flinging every sex trick you can at the end result and for him the pressure is on. You do [thing] to try to encourage him to climax and all the while you are doing [thing] his brain is going climaxclimaxclimaxpleasepleaseletmeclimax. Which of course is NOT going to make it happen.

Maybe he's just one of those guys that climaxes when he gets to know someone on an emotional level. A boyfriend of mine was like that - the early days he found it hit and miss but he knew that it usually resolved itself as he got to know his new partner better. So we had dates. Wore the faces off each other snogging. Fooled around with no 'finish' required. And then it all fell into place and there was never any issues from that point on, ever. I'd say if I had thrown moves worthy of the Kama Sutra at him when he was struggling to climax it would have only made things worse and prolonged the issue. So maybe try to ease off a bit on making his climax a big deal and see what happens?