Do men speak like this to each other in wats app?

Flixer

I looked at my husbands Wats App last night without him knowing. He's in a group with about 8 other guys, they work in a very very male job. They were all talking about a collegaues wife who is gorgeous and they were saying how much they'd like to be with her (it was very crude) my husband wrote the crudest thing he said "he'd blow this man just so he could taste his wife's 'C***'....I'm so so shocked. I want to know is this just normal banter among lads? To me it seems very very crude.

Yes I checked his phone...our marriage is barely hanging on by a thread.

One More Toy

No

Flixer

Thanks for replying....I'm just so so shocked, it feels like I don't even know this part of him.

ASOT

My WhatsApp group with lads from work would be similar, maybe not as crude but there would be a lot of talk similar to that.

TimeToShine

I would say that it certainly is fairly standard to be honest. Not particularly elegant or tasteful but lads whatsapp groups generally are cesspools. If your marriage is in trouble I wouldn't let this be what tips the scales.

Flixer

I think it probably just hurts because we have zero intimate life

SoundsRight

It's just a bit of craic, not meant to be taken seriously.

Flixer

TimeToShine wrote: »

I would say that it certainly is fairly standard to be honest. Not particularly elegant or tasteful but lads whatsapp groups generally are cesspools. If your marriage is in trouble I wouldn't let this be what tips the scales.

I'm so grateful to you for your reply. I was so close to wanting to throw the phone at him last night and telling him to go. I just said nothing and went to bed. I wish I hadn't seen it..and it serves me right for looking at his phone. I'm just so saddened by it. But it also helps to know they are cesspools.

Pyr0

It sounds like you would be best starting a thread on how to approach fixing your relationship rather than what is said in whats app, it will hopefully be of more benefit to you!

Flixer

Pyr0 wrote: »

It sounds like you would be best starting a thread on how to approach fixing your relationship rather than what is said in whats app, it will hopefully be of more benefit to you!

I agree. We start marriage counselling this week. Thanks though

Sorry about that

Flixer wrote: »

Thanks for replying....I'm just so so shocked, it feels like I don't even know this part of him.

So sorry you've seen this Flixer. It's absolutely horrible. I don't know if he "meant " any harm, but I do believe that sometimes guys in a pack act a lot differently to how they act solo. He was most likely just showing off to the lads.

I don't think it's normal, but I've never checked my OH's phone. Unfortunately for you, you now have to decide how to deal with this. Best of luck.

The Golden Miller

Standard stuff. The ones saying it's not normal are other women Id hazard a guess at

DeanAustin

As others have said its fairly standard stuff amongst lads I’m afraid albeit he has been a bit crude. Sounds like you’ve a lot of other stuff to work on. Good luck with it.

blue note

Very standard. He possibly heard that funny line somewhere and just looked for somewhere to use it. In the vast majority of those whatsapp conversations those comments are 100% just jokes. Everyone understands there's no intent behind them so no-one really gets think when there's a comment about someone's mother /sister /girlfriend /girlfriend possibly being your sister because you're from tipp /etc and everyone understands that while someone might say they'd plough some girl into next week that they in reality would never cheat on their partner.

I'm glad you're heading to councelling and hope it works out for you. It comes across to me that you're looking for ammunition against your husband. It probably goes without saying but in a relationship where people are looking for fights like that you're in serious trouble. Best of luck OP.

The Golden Miller

On the plus side, you've seen his phone without his knowing i.e no chance to hide anything. If that's all that's on it you've little to be worrying about in regards infidelity or other such relatable concerns. Other women would be getting a far worse shock. It's a positive that can be built upon at least.

wiggle16

It's fairly standard as a topic - how they phrase it depends on the group. Not all groups of guys engage in that kind of talk but many do. Not defending it by the way. Most of it is showboating for one another, it doesn't mean anything. But yes I can see how this would be especially upsetting for you if you are not intimate.

I'm not taking a position on it, but look at it this way: it is likely this is how he would be talking in this group even if you were having sex around the clock. It's the dynamic of groups like this. Not excusing it, or minimising how you feel about it, by the way.

I would say it would be a parallel issue to your lack of intimacy. If he was saying "oh yeah she's hot" that would be one thing and id say leave it be. But with this kind of language he probably should have more respect for the fact that he's married than to be talking like that about other women. But it is common and it doesn't mean anything.... it's a joke after all.

Has the lack of intimacy been a longstanding thing?

Flixer

Yes...been nothing going on. The last time was before Xmas and before that it was 3/4 months earlier. He has called me a 'C***' in fights and it's really affected me being with him like that now.

But that's only a part of it. Things are just so bad between us. He's totally shutdown and will barely speak to me. I'm not really a jealous type I was just trying to figure out if maybe he was having an affair. I'm blocked on all his social media.

Ricosruffneck

Flixer wrote: »

I looked at my husbands Wats App last night without him knowing. He's in a group with about 8 other guys, they work in a very very male job. They were all talking about a collegaues wife who is gorgeous and they were saying how much they'd like to be with her (it was very crude) my husband wrote the crudest thing he said "he'd blow this man just so he could taste his wife's 'C***'....I'm so so shocked. I want to know is this just normal banter among lads? To me it seems very very crude.

Yes I checked his phone...our marriage is barely hanging on by a thread.

I've heard Jimmy Carr, Ricky Gervais, Rob Brydon, say similar jokes.

And if delivered by them you may have laughed (obv I don't know your sense of humor; you may not)

Personally not my flavor of humor but I can appreciate it.

I'd brush this one off and give him a pass.

Ricosruffneck

Flixer wrote: »

Yes...been nothing going on. The last time was before Xmas and before that it was 3/4 months earlier. He has called me a 'C***' in fights and it's really affected me being with him like that now.

But that's only a part of it. Things are just so bad between us. He's totally shutdown and will barely speak to me. I'm not really a jealous type I was just trying to figure out if maybe he was having an affair. I'm blocked on all his social media.

I'd be more rattled the fact he called you the C word though than the text between peers.

Flixer

Ricosruffneck wrote: »

I've heard Jimmy Carr, Ricky Gervais, Rob Brydon, say similar jokes.

And if delivered by them you may have laughed (obv I don't know your sense of humor; you may not)

Personally not my flavor of humor but I can appreciate it.

I'd brush this one off and give him a pass.

Thanks a million for this...it's a relief

Sorry about that

It doesn't come across that you're looking for ammunition by the way Flixer, you're obviously stressed out of your mind and don't know what to think or do next. Keep the chin up, you'll get through it.

Tefral

I'm a member of about half a dozen WhatsApp groups. Some of the stuff in them are filth. Theres things sent in there that we wouldnt even talk about in the pub after.

I think it's just banter... but it is crude.

baby and crumble

Flixer wrote: »

But that's only a part of it. Things are just so bad between us. He's totally shutdown and will barely speak to me. I'm not really a jealous type I was just trying to figure out if maybe he was having an affair. I'm blocked on all his social media.

Everything about this is not good, OP. Blocking your wife on all social media and not speaking to her is horrific. That's next level shutting you out.

Flixer

Sorry about that wrote: »

It doesn't come across that you're looking for ammunition by the way Flixer, you're obviously stressed out of your mind and don't know what to think or do next. Keep the chin up, you'll get through it.

Thanks cause I'm defintely not, I just want to know whats going on. In some ways it'd nearly be a relief to know if he was having an affair, I feel like I'm going mad.

Church on Tuesday

Yes, men do talk like this mostly among our own peer group and hardly if ever if a wife/ GF is around.

Fairly cringy stuff for me but it is what it is.

Best of luck with any decisions you make going forward OP.

corminators

Some of these chats just become competitions on who can make the most purile comment. I would ignore it and move on.

Flixer

I'm so grateful to everyone who has taken the time to reply. It's fairly clear to me that this is just lads banter and just the way some blokes speak in groups among themselves. As I said it's just Im so hurt at the moment, and I know I don't have good perspective..hence why I'm so grateful for all of yours.

blindside88

Fairly standard stuff for any lads Wats App group I’ve been in. It’s more bravado and one upmanship than what he really thinks. Best of luck in your counseling but as has been said I wouldn’t let this be the straw that breaks the camels back.

Tails142

Lol that's a good line... Must remember it.

Sorry to hear about your troubles but I'm 100% he was just joking and being crude.

Best of luck with the counseling

wiggle16

Flixer wrote: »

Yes...been nothing going on. The last time was before Xmas and before that it was 3/4 months earlier. He has called me a 'C***' in fights and it's really affected me being with him like that now.

But that's only a part of it. Things are just so bad between us. He's totally shutdown and will barely speak to me. I'm not really a jealous type I was just trying to figure out if maybe he was having an affair. I'm blocked on all his social media.

I'm sorry to hear that OP, that's horrible.

He shouldn't be calling you a c*nt or blocking you on social media regardless, obviously. Lots of groups of lads talk like that, it's not a sign of an affair, it's just crude banter.

The other stuff though. What does he say when you ask him why you're blocked? What reason does he give? Or does he even interact with you?

Flixer

We had a fight about 8 months ago and I blocked him, yes childish of me. But since then he won't friend me...and now his friends list is hid on Facebook and when I ask him to add me he just says No. End of.

Sittingpretty

Flixer wrote: »

We had a fight about 8 months ago and I blocked him, yes childish of me. But since then he won't friend me...and now his friends list is hid on Facebook and when I ask him to add me he just says No. End of.

Jesus, is he 16?

El_Duderino 09

SoundsRight wrote: »

It's just a bit of craic, not meant to be taken seriously.

Probably needs a bit more discussion than that but you’re essentially right. The point of the crudity is to be absurd. It turns into a kind of one upmanship. The banter goes up and up and people say things they absolutely don’t mean literally.

The whole point is that it’s a circle of trust between mates who know that’s not literally what your husband means, they just take it for banter.

It’s just craic but I can see how it could be hurtful.

Jurgen Klopp

It's completely normal, anyone who thinks it isn't would die of shock if they were a fly on the wall of a GAA dressing room for example pure filth

khaldrogo

SoundsRight wrote:

It's just a bit of craic, not meant to be taken seriously.

This^^

khaldrogo

Ricosruffneck wrote:

I'd be more rattled the fact he called you the C word though than the text between peers.

Why? Its no worse than any other word he could have said. Maybe she was being a cnut at that moment. Maybe he's a cnut the rest of the time.
It's only a word ffs.

Sono

This is exactly what lads WhatsApp groups are like, the stuff that I get sent at times should be illegal!

I’ve tried cutting down on WhatsApp groups as they are annoying and full of ****e talk.

Don’t let this get you down too much OP and good luck with the counselling.

pgj2015

i have never seen such conversations in whatsapp groups, it comes across as very childish and cringy to me. like something virgins would say.

C3PO

I don't know! We have a lads "pub" group and while it's fairly (very!) graphic at times I've never seen anyone refer specifically to someone's wife, partner or even a particular girl that we might all know! That just feels a bit "wrong" to me tbh!

forgodssake

Personally I think that's a disgusting thing to read . I can understand why you are upset. Wonder how he would feel if something similar was wrote about you OP. Bet he wouldn't like it.

lawred2

Not in any WhatsApp group I'm in but I'm sure it's not uncommon.

Immature and dickish in my eyes but doesn't really mean anyone would act out in their big boy talk

pgj2015

i think its very disrespectful to op's wife to be honest.

LegacyUser

The rest of the group are probably in relationships too. That kind of talk is not exclusive to single guys. I'm in a few WA groups and taken women can be as bad when discussing men

SoundsRight

C3PO wrote: »

I don't know! We have a lads "pub" group and while it's fairly (very!) graphic at times I've never seen anyone refer specifically to someone's wife, partner or even a particular girl that we might all know! That just feels a bit "wrong" to me tbh!

I'm assuming the man who's wife they were discussing wasn't a member of the group, otherwise it would be disrespectful. There's more of a laugh if you joke about girls that you know.

pgj2015

imagine of the husband of the wife the men were talking about found out, it would be very embarrassing, the ops husband could get a punch and rightly so, very disrespectful to be talking about a colleagues wife like that.

Alrigghtythen

Has your husband been watching Jimmy Carr lately? That's his joke. I think he was trying to be funny.

Andrew00

Yes I'm in several WhatsApp groups and all men speak to each other like this

Being as crude as possible can be a good laugh but in my experience it's not often about a named individual, there's usually a good degree of remoteness so maybe a little unusual to be speaking about a colleagues wife, kinda bad form

Richard Hillman

Yes, very standard. Especially of close knit groups of people that go back years.

jimmycrackcorm

pgj2015 wrote: »

imagine of the husband of the wife the men were talking about found out, it would be very embarrassing, the ops husband could get a punch and rightly so, very disrespectful to be talking about a colleagues wife like that.

If she's that got then I'm sure he airway knows how other men are thinking about her.

I think the pussy comments expressed by trump that can't to the fire in the media show that men will talk about women in this manner.

Trump got lots of votes from women regardless.

Uncharted

Why were you looking through his phone without permission?


Edit.... just noticed you mentioned why in OP.