Advice on new(ish) relationship

TTour

Looking for some advice/insight please.
I met a guy a few months ago and we totally hit it off at the start and things were great between us. We spent most weekends together going to the movies, out for drinks, walks etc. Always had good fun. We’re both in our 40’s.

A couple of weeks ago we had a bit of a row. There was a lot of drink taken, I couldn’t remember exactly what had sparked it off, we had strong words and lots of raised voices. The next day I apologized (even though I wasn’t 100% sure what I was apologizing for). I said I didn’t want to argue. My partner went stone cold silent. We had been away for the weekend and he was completely silent on the way home (3 hours), despite me asking if we could fix this a couple of times. The day after this I text to ask if he would take a call, he said he would. I called that night and again said sorry. I said I would like to work things out. Left the ball in his court. He sent me a text the next day to say he’d like to meet to talk about what happened. We did, we sorted it out. When we spoke I told him that I knew he was pretty stubborn (as am I) and that this could be a problem in the future if we have an argument. Things were fine for a few weeks until last weekend.

Last weekend - We were talking about good people and bad people and he asked if I thought he was a good person. I told him I thought he was. He then asked why he was single and why was I single. (we have been seeing each other for 9 months now). I was taken aback by this but decided not to say anything as he had had a few drinks so I dismissed it as a “drunken” comment (even though he was not drunk). We chatted some more, and he brought up an ex girlfriend of his and started to ask me about my ex boyfriends. I didn’t want to talk about exes when we were in bed together so said I’d rather not talk about exes. To which he said “I can’t get to know you, you don’t tell me anything about your past …” (Note- that I have told him plenty of things about my past). I asked if there was something specific that he wanted to know, and he said he wanted to know even general things, not necessarily about exes. We chatted some more I went to snuggle into him, he didn’t seem interested, so I said I’d knock off the light and we’d go to sleep. To which he replied, “you’re the boss”. I said I wasn’t the boss gave him a peck on the cheek and he turned over and went to sleep.

Move onto the next morning. When we woke up he brought it up again that I don’t want to talk about my past and that he can’t get to know me. Again I asked if there was anything in specific that he wanted to know and he again replied general things. I brought it up about what he said about single and he got annoyed and said I knew he meant - single until now. I replied no, I didn’t know what he meant. I brought up what he said about me being bossy and he said I am bossy .. I only talk about what I want to talk about (as in my past). He got pretty angry and said he was leaving, he got up and started getting his things together. He told me that I was playing mind games, that I was trying to start an argument. He said I was lying about the single comment that I knew what he meant (I have to admit this make me angry, though I kept calm). I told him I wasn’t lying that I was just trying to clarify things and that I didn’t want to argue. He said he feels as though he has to watch everything he says to me.
I didn’t raise my voice at all during all this, I kept calm. I really wasn’t looking for an argument, I just wanted to clear things up. He got his stuff together and stormed downstairs and out the door.
I’ve not heard from him since.

I’d love to hear what people’s thoughts are. I really don’t know what to do. Should I give it another go if he contacts me? Should I contact him?
Thanks so much for reading... sorry for the long story.

Keyzer

Sounds like a load of bjollox to me - who needs this kind of nonsense in their life.

woodchuck

OP it sounds like you're overreacting a bit to some of the things you've mentioned. When I read your take on the single comment, the first thing that popped into my head is "he probably meant until now" even before you gave his explanation. I think you're reading too much into his words. "You’re the boss” is a pretty common expression.

I can see why it's annoying that he keeps mentioning your past though, without specifying what it is that he'd like to know. People shouldn't be judged by their past anyway, so it would be a little worrying if he keeps pushing it. But are you particularly guarded about your past?

It's not clear what the row was about a couple of weeks ago. It's never nice to be given the silent treatment, but without having more context, it's hard to say if his reaction was justified. E.g. if very nasty things were said, I could see why he wouldn't want to kiss and make up immediately. I know you said you apologised repeated, but it's very difficult to take an apology seriously if you don't know what you're apologising for.

Like every relationship, it's unlikely that one of you is 100% right and the other is 100% wrong. However it's not a good sign that you're fighting so much after only 9 months. You should still be in the honeymoon phase. Maybe it's best to part ways if it feels like it's not working out?

Emme

OP try to avoid too much alcohol and keep a clear head. That applies to him as well. Drunken arguments help nobody.

tara73

he sounds like a pushy, manipulative, gaslighting character to me. Don't think it's worth pursuing this man.

Mr. Incognito

he sounds like he was fishing for ammunition to use against you in the future and when he didnt get it he threw a strop.

I'd be exiting that relationship asap as he obviously has issues.

wiggle16

He wants to know how many people you've slept with, I would say. That's what it sounds like. And he's carrying on like this because you won't tell him. If you've already talked about it then it sounds like he doesn't believe what you said before and wants to know more.

I think I'd run a mile OP.

He asks about exes.
You say you don't want to talk about that right now/ever (it doesnt matter btw).
He gets in a huff and complains you wont let him in and he cant get to know you.
You say what do you want to know, shoot.
Then he doesn't actually ask you anything.
Then he brings up exes again.
And it starts over.

You're not psychic, something is clearly bothering him and he won't tell you what it is.

And as I say, if I were to guess, I would say he wants to know how many people you've slept with before him and is getting insecure that you said you didn't want to talk about it. If that's the case I would say run another mile - that kind of insecurity and immaturity is hard to live with.

The "single" after 9 months together sounds like some kind of weird attempt to scare you and make you insecure. He knows full well you are in a relationship. It's a veiled threat at best and again, I'm certain it's attempt to get you to tell him about your sexual history.

I can't really think of any other explanation. Why else would he want to know about exes?

If this is how he communicates when something is bothering him, I wouldn't hold out much hope for this relationship. You can't spend your life second guessing yourself and trying to guess why he is sulking.

I know I'm assuming quite a bit, but the above is what it sounds like to me. I wouldn't stick around for this guy. When you're not telling him what he wants to know he goes and sulks like a little boy. A grown man shouldn't act like a little boy.

Sorry OP but I think you should head for the hills today.

Calypso Realm

Communication is crucial in any relationship, you two sound to me you're not communicating very effectively. Of course it may well be the case you're not truly compatible (him saying he had to watch everything he says to you is a clear indicator this may be so) either way, but this is something you need to work on, if things did continue.

Sounds to me , he's having doubts about your relationship OP and at this point, it could go either way. I'd suspect he's mulling things over currently and I wouldn't contact him at all. Leave that up up to him now. (You made the moves the last time and it's up to him now.) In your position, I would be doing exactly the same, deciding if this is the guy for you!

Few other things - I wouldn't apologise for something I'm unclear about; Fine if it's for something specific you're truly remorseful for as otherwise this tends to put you on the back-foot, unnecessarily. Also I'd be wary of someone who adopts the 'silent treatment' as a means of dealing with conflict. Very passive-aggressive. Also while you feel you're sharing things about your past, he clearly doesn't feel you are sharing...... enough! And he may be wondering why.....

Ursus Horribilis

Have there ever been any incidents or arguments in this vein before? It's strange that this has all blown up so recently.

As a long time user of this forum, I know that people asking about their partner's past sex life rarely ends well. Unless you've a temperament where you can handle the answers, it's better left unasked. I'm not getting good vibes from the way he persisted in asking and insulted you too.

It's ironic that he's a accusing you of playing mind games because that's exactly what he's at. He's either manufacturing these rows to manipulate you in some way. Or alternatively, he wants out and kicked up this manufactured stink to leave. Either way, this sounds like a relationship you're better off out of. Maybe you're now seeing the real him and his nasty controlling side. He's in his 40s, not a petulant teenager. Silences and storming out shouldn't be a part of his temperament at this stage. Do you know why his previous relationships ended, by any chance? I think his recent behaviour is a warning you should heed.

LegacyUser

Yeah, he sounds like a lot of hard work. The silent treatment would be enough for me to walk. This is a man in his 40s, not a 19 year old boy who has never had a proper relationship nor life experience. This is a grown man sulking and pulling a strop when he's not getting his way.

You are under no obligation to talk about your exs. It sounds like you're pretty open to discussing your past except for prior relationships and he shouldn't be forcing the issue. Honestly, I don't think it's great to discuss past relationships, leave them in the past is my attitude.

I dunno, OP, he has the makings of being a head melter. If you're going to continue the relationship with him, set your boundaries and decide what behaviour is unacceptable to you, and don't continue if lines are repeatedly being crossed.

Calypso Realm

wiggle16 wrote: »

I can't really think of any other explanation. Why else would he want to know about exes

I can! Not sure why everyone is jumping to this conclusion but why the relationships didn't work out, for one thing, which sounds more likely in the context of why both are still single.

wiggle16

Calypso Realm wrote: »

I can! Not sure why everyone is jumping to this conclusion but why the relationships didn't work out, for one thing, which sounds more likely in the context of why both are still single.

Thing is, I don't think it's an outlandish conclusion to jump to. It's an all too common hang-up that many men have at some point - by no means all men, or even most, I say this as a guy myself - and this is what it sounds like to me.
They've been together nine months, so for him to suddenly ask why they are still single is really, really strange. He can't have missed that.

I think either way we'd agree on the substantive issue: he can't act like this when he doesn't get his way and the OP doesn't have to put up with it. It's a serious flaw for a partner to have.

OP, if it were me I would probably head for the hills, but if you really want to know what's driving this behaviour, you'll have to ask him out straight. Somehow I think he is just going to lead you around in circles again though.

TTour

Thanks everyone for taking the time to read and reply.

I have told him about my last relationship and why it finished. I also, for my own self, took time out after my last relationship ended and only went back dating when I felt I was ready.
I don't know why his last relationship finished and personally that's not a pressing issue for me. I think exes are exes for a reason and the past should be left in the past.

My main concern is that we have only had two disagreements (as per my original post) and how he had handled them, by ignoring me, the silent treatment and storming out. It's 4 days later and still not word.

BuboBubo

If your best mate was in a similar situation, and told you all this stuff you've typed here - what would you say to her?

Personally I'd tell her to run....away...fast!

Ursus Horribilis

The reason I was wondering why his previous relationship(s) ended was to establish if he has previous when it comes to this sort of behaviour. You are right though - it didn't matter why his past relationships didn't work out. It's this one you're concerned about. I'm still of the opinion that you should let this one go. Either he has decided in his head that you're done or he's prepared to continue punishing you with radio silence until you snap and make contact. Neither is good.

LegacyUser

4 days later and he still hasn't made contact?? Nope! Sorry, but I'd be drawing a line under it and messaging him to say it was over and leave it at that. What a child he is! Christ!

TTour

hardworkmanno 19 wrote: »

4 days later and he still hasn't made contact?? Nope! Sorry, but I'd be drawing a line under it and messaging him to say it was over and leave it at that. What a child he is! Christ!

Yep, he stormed out on Sunday morning and I've heard nothing from him since then

road_high

He sounds like a total head case to me- fishing for rubbish to argue over and throw back in your face. The whole thing sounds exhausting and he’d bleed the life out of you

road_high

TTour wrote: »

Yep, he stormed out on Sunday morning and I've heard nothing from him since then

Jesus happy days. No big drama break up so. Though I’ve no doubt he’ll be back once he defrosts a little
You must cut him loose though

chic chick

This is taking stubborn to a whole other level.
I appreciate there’s two sides to every story or is it three- his, hers & the truth. Having said that I’m with you op regarding the reaction- silent treatment & storming out at this stage of his life & your relationship is very concerning.

There’s a pattern after only two disagreements.

My rule of thumb- overall a person you are seeing should compliment your life not complicate your life.
If you were in his house where would he storm off to, would he kick you out?

TTour

chic chick wrote: »

This is taking stubborn to a whole other level.
I appreciate there’s two sides to every story or is it three- his, hers & the truth. Having said that I’m with you op regarding the reaction- silent treatment & storming out at this stage of his life & your relationship is very concerning.

There’s a pattern after only two disagreements.

My rule of thumb- overall a person you are seeing should compliment your life not complicate your life.
If you were in his house where would he storm off to, would he kick you out?

His behaviour is very concerning. Good point about if I was at his.. what would have happened then

Big Bag of Chips

From reading your post it seemed to me like he was looking for "an out". He niggled and bitched trying to rise you. When you didn't rise to it he then completely fabricated a notion in his head telling you what you thought and what you meant (Although I will agree that I assumed he meant you were single up to meeting each other).

But that aside he seems a bit insecure and his whole line of questioning seemed to focus on "if I'm so great why am/was I single?". He expected you to stroke his ego and flatter him. You didn't, and he threw a tantrum.

I wouldn't even bother waiting for him. If he can't articulate his problems/concerns in an adult way then you are in for a long road of tip-toeing around him just to make sure you never, inadvertently say something to "upset" him. Plenty other fellas out there who wont play whatever game he's playing.

Time to block and ignore I think.

wiggle16

I think I completely misunderstood what he meant by "then why was/am I single", my bad. I'd a long day :rolleyes: but it's a weird thing to say either way it's meant, so my advice stays the same. Don't look back.

TTour

He text this morning asking if we could meet later this evening.

SirChenjin

The silent treatment and storming out - that to me is toddler tantrum behaviour, or sulking - neither of which is attractive in a small child, but a definite no-no in an adult.

Up to yourself obviously OP, but this sounds like very hard work. I would leave it, if I were you. Radio silence since Sunday, until now...no would be my answer to the text.

Green&Red

Sometimes you need to adjust to how to have a fight with someone. I’ll always want to have it out there and then, my OH will want to think about it. You need to have a conversation about to how to have a fight. As someone said earlier it sounds like both of you need to communicate better.

Reading your post it sounds like you haven’t put yourself in his shoes (same for him but he’s not posting here so....)
He made what in his mind is an innocuous comment about being single, he presumes you know that he meant before these 9 months but instead you accuse him of saying yer not going out. His back is already up over other conversations and you bring this up.
I’m not condoning his logic, I’m just saying look at it from his side for a moment.

These are yours first rows and I would say the most important thing in a relationship is the assumption that the other person isn’t trying to be mean or malacious (if you’re assuming they are then they’re the wrong person for you).
So if we assume he’s not being malacious then from his point of view he was talking about getting to know you better and you accused him to saying he was single and things spiralled from there.

You need to have a chat to him and tell him that yer going to have rows and you expect him to react to them better but you also need to look at how you’re reacting to what he’s saying

GL

The Princess Bride

I personally feel, if this relationship was to continue, you'd most likely be rehearsing in your head, everything you'd want to say, on the off chance you'd say the wrong thing.
Spontaneity would go out the window.

I'd rather be single than be that uncomfortable.

pq0n1ct4ve8zf5

Is there any chance someone could have been spinning him some sort of a line about you being a serial cheater or seen roaring and shouting at partners around town, or it possible that you said something during the first drunken argument that prompted some little crisis of confidence for him over your previous relationships?

I'm trying very hard to extend the benefit of the doubt to him here because his behaviour as related is pretty pathetic.

He could be a great guy with serious issues around trust who with a lot of work on his part and a lot of support from you will come through and be a fantastic partner.

He could be an abusive man who's reached the end of the honeymoon period and is only going to ratchet up the sulks, demands, silences, withholding affection; and probably escalate the behaviour.

He could just be a big stroppy baby who thrives on drama.

Personally I wouldn't be bothered finding out, meet him this evening and tell him thanks, BYE. But it's up to you.

I bet you a millionty euros you can go this evening with the attitude I don't want to fight, I don't want to feel like you have to watch what you say, I've missed you, I'm sorry and he'll still go on about poor him and big mean you.

LegacyUser

My view is he was looking for an out...he was picking fights and making a big deal out of nothing..you reacted brilliantly by being calm and trying to talk through a disagreement but he turned it into a fight and then stormed and sulked...not the behaviour of someone who is willing to communicate to solve an issue. I wouldn't be surprised if now he realises you are more adult in how you handle disagreements and can't be baited into a fight like that..so be prepared for him to break up properly tonight, sorry x

Mr. Incognito

TTour wrote: »

He text this morning asking if we could meet later this evening.

Ask to meet in a neutral location and make sure you have plans after and give him the bullet.

TheBoyConor

He could be a great guy with serious issues around trust who with a lot of work on his part and a lot of support from you will come through and be a fantastic partner.

That is possible I suppose, but tbh, who wants to be bothered with the hassle stress and effort of having to basically counsel and support someone through their insecurities. There are plenty perfectly normal people out there to date so why burden yourself with a headwrecker like this. Life is too short to be dealing with a mess like him.

OP, he sounds like a head melter. Don't entertain his request to meet up. He only wants to stir up more theatrics and drama. Tell him that ye are done and don't engage him any further. Block and delete him off of everything.

Big Bag of Chips

Up to you, OP, but I'd be asking what is his reason for meeting up? If he wants to meet up to turn everything around on you and continue to accuse you of exactly what he in fact has been doing then I'd wonder is there any point. If he wants to meet to apologise unreservedly for being a knob, then maybe.....

My guess is he'll be looking for an apology, as you apologised repeatedly the last time.

TTour

So we met last night and to be honest the conversation went around in circles.
He asked why I didn't contact him - I said because he walked out and made it clear he didn't want to talk.
I asked why it took him so long to get in contact with me - he said he was angry.
He brought up about the being single comment again and said that I knew what he meant, that at our age I should know - I said that I didn't know what he meant otherwise I wouldn't have asked.
He said about feeling he has to tip toe around what he wants to say to me - I said at the felt the same as we were both not understanding each other.
He said I was very quiet - I said that I was giving him the opportunity to talk (he then asked if this was a game to me)

He did apologise for upsetting me (not for his behaviour)

We didn't get anywhere. Before he left I asked if he wanted to try and sort this out - he said that if he didn't he wouldn't have asked to meet. I replied if I didn't I wouldn't have agreed to meet. He said that maybe we both need to take some time to see how we feel. And that's where it's at at the moment.

TheBoyConor

Sounds like a teenage drama.

This is a dead end and by agreeing to take time etc or think about things you are only drawing out the inevitable. Just tell him to sling his hook and be done with him. He is a headmelter.

pq0n1ct4ve8zf5

Are you bothered putting up with all that? None of us can tell you what to do, only what we would do.

To me, for someone in their 40s, in the early stages of a relationship, this is ridiculous behaviour/communication. I'm also of the opinion that the single comment was innocent and you took it up wrong but JESUS he's still bringing it up? What do you think he'll be like if you stick with him and you have a falling out in ten years and he's got a decade of ammo to draw on?

The comments about "I wouldn't be here if I didn't want it to work" are bullsh1t too. It's a yes or no question and he wouldn't give you one of those answers. He's either being tactical or he just couldn't let an opportunity to make a snarky comment go by.

Ursus Horribilis

This isn't looking too promising, is it? After 4 days of radio silence, all you get are more mind games and an attempt to blame you for what happened. There's no self-reflection here, no realisation that he was acting like a dick, no apologies or explanations. Just a mealy-mouthed non-apology and passive aggressiveness. Goodness knows what he was hoping for from this meeting because he certainly didn't do much of a job communicating. I'm not sure he particularly wanted to make up. He wanted to win.

Big Bag of Chips

He wanted you to chase him. He wanted you to react like you did the last time and contact him apologising over and over. He would have still waited a few days to get back to you and then it would have been to let you know that you were lucky he was forgiving you and giving you a chance. Then in future you'd watch what you say around him and be more careful not to upset him because twice now you would have caused a problem and your apology would be acknowledgement of that.

This is twice he's carried on like this in a very short period of time. This is him telling you how it's going to be.

I love how he is turning his behaviour around and making out like it's you doing it. I bet you will now already be watching what you say around him. He's playing a game with you and accusing you of playing games.

I wouldn't see this as a healthy stable relationship, OP. Your head is already wrecked trying to figure it out. That's not going to miraculously just disappear. At best he's a childish bully who's used to getting his own way. At worst he's an abusive manipulative bully who is hoping to wear you down to the point where you question everything and are no longer sure of anything.

Neither of those personality types should be attractive thing in an adult relationship.

Emme

OP when I first read this thread I thought both of you might have had a misunderstanding due to having a bit much to drink. Now I don't think that.

I think he is manipulative and will get worse. You are already walking on eggshells around him. Somebody said he could be emotionally abusive and showing his true colours at the end of the honeymoon period. Trying to make everything seem like your fault when it isn't can be a sign of that.

Think carefully if you want to continue with this man. He may ease off a bit to reel you in again but if he starts the head games again walk away for good.

He's a manipulative headwreck. life is way too short for this sh!te. it's draining.

sorry but i think it is time to walk away

Yellow pack crisps

You both seem really bad at communicating. You both seem to struggle with basic understanding of conflict resolution. In saying this when I hear people saying ‘you’re playing mindgames’ that’s enough for me to not take them seriously.

Ursus Horribilis

I'm not seeing where they're both bad at communicating? Please elaborate.

Yellow pack crisps

Ursus Horribilis wrote: »

I'm not seeing where they're both bad at communicating? Please elaborate.

Nine months is a substantial amount of time to be seeing someone. I think in most cases regardless of who did or said what that either one of them ignoring each other for four days is not a good set of communication skills by either of them. Also meeting a second time afterwards and discussing it for several hours without a resolution is shows also a lack of meaningful communication skills to resolve it one way or the other. People who are good at communicating do not leave these things festering one way or the other. It’s I am sure bad for the OPs mental happiness to have no contact for four days with someone they were regularly seeing without an idea of what’s going on.

Ursus Horribilis

I think we're going to have to agree to disagree on this.

Yellow pack crisps

Ursus Horribilis wrote: »

I think we're going to have to agree to disagree on this.

Which is perfectly fine as in general I respect your advice on here.

con___manx1

id never want to know about exes. He sounds like the jelous type to me. Get rid