The fear of getting naked

HaloTop

So, a year ago I became single for the first time since I was a teen. Roll on to now and I'm seeing a guy casually. Just a few dates. I want to sleep with him but I'm terrified of him seeing me naked. I'm not perfect. I'm a size 14/16 and I just can't shake the fear of him seeing my wobbly belly or hips. I was seeing a guy over Christmas and we went on about 4 dates and when it started to feel like things were moving towards sleeping together I ended it. I panicked and just froze at the idea of him seeing me like that.
Any advice? Would love some opinions I don't really know what about though

forgodssake

Weighing scales show you only your weight. They don't show your kindness ,compassion , personality and what's inside . If he's the right one you will feel comfortable immediately . I've recently gone through the exact same scenario and I couldn't believe how comfortable I felt with him . I had all those fears you have too and they just melted away. Everything is right with the right person . Don't sleep with him until you are fully comfortable around him .

HaloTop

forgodssake wrote: »

Weighing scales show you only your weight. They don't show your kindness ,compassion , personality and what's inside . If he's the right one you will feel comfortable immediately . I've recently gone through the exact same scenario and I couldn't believe how comfortable I felt with him . I had all those fears you have too and they just melted away. Everything is right with the right person . Don't sleep with him until you are fully comfortable around him .

So terrified of repulsing him that it was easier just end it. Feels like no one else has these hang ups

wobatkicker23

Have you tried to lose weight? If you are unhappy with your body then I suggest you change it.

Harry Palmr

If someone wants to sleep with you, they want to have sex with you as you are. I'm going to assume that he had a good idea about your size and therefore wasn't concerned about that. So go with it.

(Talking about weight loss in this context is unhelpful tbh.)

naughtysmurf

I'd imagine that nearly everyone has hang ups as regards how they look, naked or clothed, you're probably over thinking the situation....as a male I wouldn't have been too confident as regards how I looked without clothes in the past....a number of years ago we discovered clothing optional beaches abroad, very few super models, male or female on them, plenty of average Joe's & Josephine's, neither of us give a fcuk now, I really wouldn't worry too much, if you want to improve your figure the answer is in the kitchen & the gym but the reality is if you fancy them & they fancy you, it will probably be grand.

wobatkicker23

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dudara

HaloTop

It's not necessarily my size ie. 14/16 they can see that im that while clothed. It's the fact the weight goes to my belly and hips I don't look like I've a wobbly belly when clothed at all so I'm afraid of shocking them with the unexpected.

Panthro

Op unless he's absolutely immaculate I can guarantee you he's his own hangups too.
Don't over think it, enjoy it.

blarb

I've been there OP - I'm a size 16. The last time I started dating a guy I was in a really good headspace - I'd been doing some classes that helped me get a bit more comfortable in my body myself - Zumba classes to start with, and over time I got more confident and then tried belly dancing classes. I was so nervous going along but once I found my little spot at the back or side of the class and just got into the music it worked wonders for my thoughts about my belly! And the great thing is it was all women in the class

Eventually I started different dance classes which involved dancing with guys which helped my body confidence as well.

It was no time before I was swept off my feet by my last boyfriend and as forgodsake said above I couldn't believe how comfortable I felt around him naked - he really made me forget all those concerns I had. I'm fairly convinced it was the work I'd done on my own confidence that attracted him to me too so it was win-win for me!

Jessie Belle

Every woman feels this. I am size 8/10 and I feel a lb if I put it on but I dont feel any inhibitions in the arms of someone I am comfortable with. When it feels right go for it and just think he wants to be there too. Good luck.

LegacyUser

I remember a guy commenting that he found the worst sex was with someone afraid to have the lights on or be seen naked, too stuck in their own head to enjoy it. He knows your size, why do you think he will be surprised when he sees you naked, he wont, he prob has a fair idea what to expect, and he's still dating you which means he's attracted to you. And once the lights are off and things are getting groovy, trust me, he wont care

baby and crumble

not trying to be indelicate OP but I’d nearly gaurentee that if/when he sees you naked all he’ll be thinking is “oh my god she’s naked yay!”

leggo

Yeah OP, as a guy what I always say is that girls will look at the thing they’re most insecure about and wonder if a guy will notice, but guys you’re dating will almost always notice your best qualities and focus on that. I know that’s how I am. If I’m dating someone there’s something that attracted me there to begin wit, by being there alone I eventually want to see them naked and, again, by being attracted to them that’s a good thing. I’ve been with all shapes and sizes and I genuinely can’t think of one time my opinion of someone changed by virtue of their clothes coming off. It’s a relatable worry to have, but also an irrational one because it’s not a thing in real life. We all have body hang-ups (even ripped bodybuilders tend to be the most insecure perfectionists going) but the key to meeting someone right is the feeling of acceptance that goes along with it. That’s what you’re looking for here. Accept that you are who you are and nobody is perfect and totally content within themselves, then enjoy it!

forgodssake

HaloTop wrote: »

So terrified of repulsing him that it was easier just end it. Feels like no one else has these hang ups

I'm a size 14/16 too . I've had kids, my belly jiggles .I've got big saggy boobs without my bra on . Like you I hide it well with clothes but was terrified of the reaction when I took them off. But I did it and it was ok . Start to love yourself little by little .

tara73

I echo all what's said and I think in your case one thing is really important: don't sleep ' too early' with someone. you decide for yourself when the time is right and you feel comfortable and can trust the person is really meaning it.

because there are a lot of people out there who are just up for sex but it will backfire to your self esteem if you sleep with this people, and the next day they are gone because they got what they wanted. And you will think they left because of your belly, but they most probably didn't care at all, they got what they wanted and that was it.

another possibility is, you talk directly about your fears with the men (not on the first date, but again when you think it's going somewhere) instead of just running away.
you will see immediately from their reaction if it's an issue for them or not.

fineso.mom

OP if he is put off by a few wobbly bits then why would you want to be with him? Your body is only one part of 'you'. Are you going to be put off if he has a hairy back/thin arms/knobbly knees?
You seem to be worried only about whether he likes your body..whether you are 'good enough' for him. Why is that?
If you are not happy about your body for yourself then make some changes but dont throw away the possibility of a good relationship through fear of not living up to some fake instagram/hollywood washboard stomach fantasy.

suicide_circus

you've been in each other's company, he knows what size you are, he clearly fansies you or he wouldn't still be around

Sazsazcool

I'm definitely ready to sleep with someone new. I'm confident enough with my leg and upper half it's the belly and hip area I hate and don't ever wanna show it off. The idea of sleeping with someone and them actually being turned off by it has put the fear in me.

baby and crumble

There are lots of folks who fancy women’s bellies. I know I do.

dartboardio

I used to think like that.. I was size 16/18 as a teenager and thought i could hide under my clothes and make people think i looked smaller than i was.

Then someone told me if someone likes you.. They know what to expect under there. Its not like they're gonna expect a flat stomach if you're not stick skinny and they clearly already love that about you so whats the point in worrying!


If someone likes you they clearly like all of you and theres hardly gonna be a 'omg i wasnt expecting that' moment when you remove your clothes.

They like you for you not your skin. They probably think your body is beautiful anyway.. Its so easy to criticize yourself.

Even if you were a size 8 if you have self image issues chances are youd be worrying about something else like the shape of your body etc.

My boyfriend thought i was cute and pretty when he met me.. I thought i was revolting and disgusting.

Its honestly just your own thoughts haunting you! Any guy would be lucky to have you remove your clothes in front of them. They're not gonna turn around and walk out the door trust me.

Naked bodies all have wobbly bits.. Were human! Human interaction means more than having a hollywood body all of the time.
I used to think people didnt know i had a belly like you think too but guess what they know and they dont care!
Best of luck

LolaJJ

Hey OP,

Firstly, sorry you feel like this. We live in a very image-obsessed society where we are constantly told what we are supposed to look like.

As someone who has been a size, 16, then 14 then 8, then 12, now for the last few years a 10 - The weight gain and loss has taken it's toll and although I now (at 38) am comfortable in my own skin, I experienced all the same hang-ups as you are mentioning. Moreso when I was a size 8 but had loose skin because I felt as though I was advertising something on the outside that was ultimately going to be a disappointment.

Of the few partners I have had, some serious, some casual, the common theme was that I was always surprised at how completely irrelevant the aesthetics of my naked body actually were. Men have hang ups too, they generally aren't all like Ryan Gosling when they get naked and a lot of the time they are worried you're going to notice a scar or their belly...they also worry about their performance and generally they are very caught up and happy that they are about to have sex with you for the first time. This part, in my experience overwhelms them to the point where they are far too caught up in the moment to take the time to do an analysis.

It sounds cliché but confidence on any woman is sexy, and maybe you'll have to fake it till you make it. Just act like you love your body and focus your thoughts on enjoying the new level of intimacy and having a good time. Easier said than done, I know....but trust me, please, it's not worth worrying yourself about x

bucketybuck

Not to be smart, but its a bit dismissive towards men to think that they don't already know what a particular woman's body is going to look like. We aren't blind and those clothes aren't hiding anything.

Give the guy some credit, he already knows what you look like and he is still there, just maybe its not as bad as you think it is.

LolaJJ

bucketybuck wrote: »

Not to be smart, but its a bit dismissive towards men to think that they don't already know what a particular woman's body is going to look like. We aren't blind and those clothes aren't hiding anything.

Give the guy some credit, he already knows what you look like and he is still there, just maybe its not as bad as you think it is.

What you're forgetting bucketybuck is that women don't go around looking at other naked women, we generally don't get naked in front of our mates so all we see is what's perpetuated on TV and Instagram and in the media generally. And when 90% of what you see is perfection, you start to assume that's the norm, and when the norm looks nothing like your reflection in the mirror it is understandable you might feel like you're going to be a disappointment.

The majority of sexually active and inquisitive men have probably seen way more normal naked women's bodies than us women have but we can only go by what we are exposed to....

And in general, a lot of us, in comparison to that aesthetic, feel flawed.

sbsquarepants

LolaJJ wrote: »

What you're forgetting bucketybuck is that women don't go around looking at other naked women, we generally don't get naked in front of our mates.

Whaaattttt??? Is anything I know about women correct? The pillow fights are real though aren't they?:D

OP - seriously don't stress it. Take it from me - if he's attracted to you clothed, he'll be mad about you naked!

It's not like it's impossible to gauge someone's general body shape when they have their clothes on - you can glance at someone as you pass by on a bus and get a decent idea.

Get naked, have fun, it will be great!

.......

Sounds to me like you need a healthy dose of self confidence injected!

You have to love yourself, flaws and all - and if I know HOW to get you to do that, I would be rich.

I think us Irish people have massive body hang ups. We dont do a lot of naked stuff together. Most Irish women did not grow up in an environment that exposed them to the naked form regularly and as adults and in Ireland - we dont have communal naked activities and those that we SHOULD be naked for - such as a sauna - we insist that people wear bathing costumes or a towel. A German guy in my job a few years back couldnt understand why you cant be naked in a sauna in Ireland, he thought we were totally repressed!!

Seriously, after you have spent time in other countries in naked situations such as saunas, nude beaches or even just communal showers you realise that MOST people are not perfect, and all body types exist and are ok.

Also - to echo another poster, when you get naked with someone they are not scoring your physique - they are happy you are naked. And they are worried about their own bodies too.

I used to be so self conscious about my body that I didnt really enjoy sex til I was in my 30s - and I look back at pics from my 20s and I looked great! So it was a totally imaginary hang up. Now Im in my 40s and I dont have the body of a 20 year old but Id run around the house in my nip just to give my husband a laugh sometimes and I can only do it because I eventually came to accept that I was not a supermodel and never would be. But so what - no one is expecting me to be a supermodel so who cares?

MartyMcFly84

what is number one is confidence and being with someone who is confident in themselves and knows what they are doing.

I have been with people of different sizes and having a great body does not mean a great lover. What matters most is the person I am with really wants to be with me and is enjoying themselves, that's what make it great.

ShaShaBear

OP, while I agree with other posters here, might I offer a suggestion?
A good quality lingerie set. Something that covers the more obvious bits but allows you to feel super sexy! I guarantee you once things get moving, you'll not be bothered when he takes them off but it might give you the security and confidence you need to get the outer clothes off at least!

Segotias

OP I get exactly where you are coming from. I'm sitting here inwardly cringing thinking about when I was last been with someone, its been a good while and had to be fairly well on at the time.

I think everyone is hitting the nail on the head, its all about confidence in yourself and I'd imagine you're not expecting perfection when you partner takes off his clothes and why should he be any different.

Unfortunately we are blasted with the "perfect" image so frequently it warps our own vision of what we should be like and sometimes expect.

Personally I've taken a step back from trying to meet someone, as I'm of the option that if I don't think I'm attractive then no one else will, so its more important from me to get over that and take it from there.

You seem to be past that as you've gone out there and met men. If you've had the confidence to do that, they'll have a fair idea of whats under the clothing and more than likely be happy to see it. You just have to come to that acceptance of yourself too.

Good luck!!!

Snotty

Girls, I hate to break it too you but clothes don't "hide" anything, you do not have a different body from what your clothes sit against, men know exactly what to expect once they have seen you a few times normally.

Addle

Snotty wrote: »

Girls, I hate to break it too you but clothes don't "hide" anything, you do not have a different body from what your clothes sit against, men know exactly what to expect once they have seen you a few times normally.

But they make us feel better.

OP, you don't have to be stark naked straight away.
As above, some negligee that makes you feel less self conscious may help.

ginandtonicsky

Snotty wrote: »

Girls, I hate to break it too you but clothes don't "hide" anything, you do not have a different body from what your clothes sit against, men know exactly what to expect once they have seen you a few times normally.

Not necessarily true..have you heard of Spanx?? Chicken fillets??

Anyway OP, the advice is spot on. Men don’t scrutinise women’s bodies in the way that women do. And IME, they often love the parts we hate! I’ve had men be obsessed with the jiggly bits that I thought I had to cover!

The idea of sex with someone new can be daunting, esp when you’ve had a long term partner previously. But guaranteed he wouldn’t be sticking around if he dint think you were hot and taking your clothes off will just make you hotter to him!

Relax and enjoy and I agree with the idea of making yourself feel as sexy as possible! Get some sexy undies if you think it will help with your confidence :-)

Snotty

ginandtonicsky wrote: »

Not necessarily true..have you heard of Spanx?? Chicken fillets??

Ah come on, it might make you feel better but it doesn't change your body no mater how much you want it to.

odyssey06

Theres something to be said for retaining an air of mystery. Maybe a loose babydoll negligee might help you to relax and work for your guy also... you dont have to take your clothes off to have a good time!

See where it goes from there... to no clothes or to Ann Summers 😈

izzyflusky

I'm loving the positivity in this thread and I think it is helping more people than just the OP, even those in relationships.
But I have to say, I do think clothes hide A LOT! I'm quite skinny but had children. People can't tell that I do have a soft baby belly when clothed or how bad my breasts look now either.

Dark Phoenix

look no one looks like a model naked! To be honest most models don't without filters and airbrushing either. My mindset is always there will always be someone fatter / thinner / better looking / worse looking so you can only be who you are so just get naked and enjoy yourself. if anyone ever is negative to you about it its the clearest sign ever to just dump their shallow ass anyway!!

Church on Tuesday

HaloTop wrote: »

So, a year ago I became single for the first time since I was a teen. Roll on to now and I'm seeing a guy casually. Just a few dates. I want to sleep with him but I'm terrified of him seeing me naked. I'm not perfect. I'm a size 14/16 and I just can't shake the fear of him seeing my wobbly belly or hips. I was seeing a guy over Christmas and we went on about 4 dates and when it started to feel like things were moving towards sleeping together I ended it. I panicked and just froze at the idea of him seeing me like that.
Any advice? Would love some opinions I don't really know what about though

Any mature minded man won't give a toss about any of that and if he does then he's an eejit and it's his loss.

Man speaking here!