Oversensitive to partners drinking

Cork2017

Looking for advice
Partner is same age as me but a bit more immature than me in regards to drinking.
They have a close group of friends whom when they socialize with for a few drinks it always gets messy and turns into a “sesh”
Not a huge issue but recently when I make contact after couple of hours to see if all ok etc and calling to see if they need collection I’m ignored or they cannot function to hold the phone call
Is it too much out of me to expect someone mid 30’s to be able to have a few drinks and still have respect for me?
This happens maybe once a month used to be more frequent but finances don’t allow for more
Don’t get me wrong I’m not anti drink and have done my fair share of it in the past but my priorities have shifted.

December2012

Why are you calling to see if it's all ok, or if they want a lift? That seems very controlling.

Just let them go and have their night out. As you have spotted, it is a bone of contention for you, so don't make it your problem if it's not.

Augme

Everyone will have their own opinion in whether they would be happy with this in a partner or not. The issue for me is whether it has a big impact on your relationship the tine you spend together. Does it bother you because it gets in the way if doing things or just because you don't like it?

Also, I'm not sure why you contact him in these nights it just to see how he is? Fair enough to check in him but I wouldn't be happy if everyone e time I went out my other half would be checking up on me.

HBC08

Why are you calling to see if things are OK?
You're just annoying him when he's trying to blow off steam. If this was a couple of times a week he'd have an issue, as it stands I think the issue is your own.

Cork2017

We have a close relationship as in we keep in touch regularly regardless of where we are, except when she is drinking.
I just feel if the shoe was on the other foot it wouldn’t be tolerated.

December2012

You can have a close relationship without checking in every few hours. Go out and do something else yourself so you're not over thinking about it.

Cork2017

I’m not sure it’s clear but it’s a simple text or phone all to say how are you getting on? Bear in mind this is after 5 hours heavy daytime drinking and regards the spin its discussed beforehand so we save money on taxis as they are expensive home and she lets me know how it’s going and what time suits?
We are a same sex relationship whom have close relationships with contact and communication, we are 2 women so! Dynamics are slightly different

messy tessy

Cork2017 wrote: »

Not a huge issue but recently when I make contact after couple of hours to see if all ok etc and calling to see if they need collection I’m ignored or they cannot function to hold the phone call
Is it too much out of me to expect someone mid 30’s to be able to have a few drinks and still have respect for me?

Or she is missing your call as she is having fun with her friends and doesn't feel the need to check in?

Foweva Awone

Seems quite controlling behaviour to me ... why not just arrange for her to contact you when/if she needs a lift? Many people would consider it quite rude to be checking your phone when out with friends.

messy tessy

messy tessy wrote: »

Or she is missing your call as she is having fun with her friends and doesn't feel the need to check in?

I posted the above before I saw your update about the lift being pre arranged. Apologies.

jlm29

I’ve never understood this need to “check in” with a grown-up, unless it’s an overnight thing, or there’s an actual issue.
If it’s only once a month, it certainly shouldn’t be an issue.
I’d imagine that if you’ve discussed the need for a lift, then she could phone you when she’s ready, as opposed to you calling her, when you think she ought to be ready. Again, unless there’s an issue

Cork2017

Foweva Awone wrote: »

Seems quite controlling behaviour to me ... why not just arrange for her to contact you when/if she needs a lift? Many people would consider it quite rude to be checking your phone when out with friends.

Yes that is always the arrangement and I’m not contacted and then a random call comes from her friends to say come pick her up and she can’t talk?

cannotlogin

Seems like there are 2 seperate issues:-

1. Checking up during nights out - seems unneccesary & controlling

However,

2. Her drinking levels - appears to be the real issue if she is regularly getting so drunk she can't speak or function.

Focus on the real issue which does appear to be a cause for concern.

Infonovice

Tell her you can pick her up at a certain time, but if she is busy having fun, then no problem but she will then need to arrange her own way of getting home.

The money she will spend on the taxi fare is on her then. If you both are supposed to be saving, then the money she 'wasting' would be a separate issue to discuss.

I think you are just feeling a bit taken advantage of here OP. She asks for a lift, but then expects you to be her taxi at any and all hours. That wouldn't fly with me either ..

Cork2017

Checking up is basically a text after a few hours to see if all is ok?
Yes because the drinking leads to these conditions I send a text to see if she’s ok
I bring up the drinking issue and it’s downplayed and I’m just being a nag!

Infonovice

Then it seems you are worried about the state she gets in when she is drinking.
So her drinking does bother you.

Maybe ask her is she happy with her lifestyle. Can you live with her having that lifestyle? And if not, then you need to think about if it is the right relationship for both of you

HelgaWard

Maybe video her when she is bananas and show her it the next day. She might not realize how bad she actually is. What does she drink? Maybe she should switch to a drink with a lower alcohol volume.

Hoboo

Cork2017 wrote: »

Checking up is basically a text after a few hours to see if all is ok?
Yes because the drinking leads to these conditions I send a text to see if she’s ok
I bring up the drinking issue and it’s downplayed and I’m just being a nag!

I see no issue texting my partner or vice versa when we're out, it's simple courtesy to say I'm ok, and to know she is too. Regardless who's home or out.

If the drinking was always a thing she did, forget it, you won't change someone. If it's new, other than telling her it's affecting you there's no more you can do but walk. Clearly you're in different places. Nothing wrong with what she's doing imo but it doesn't suit you, or the lifestyle and relationship you want.

.......

Sounds like someone who isnt in control of their drinking.

IMO a person who is unable to go for a few drinks without becoming so locked that they cant speak really shouldnt be drinking at all.

We all like to go out and have a blast and maybe there are odd occasions where we drink too much and end up regretting it such as weddings or parties.

But for the concept of going for drinks with friends = getting so drunk you cant speak or make your way home - well thats worrying IMO.

How would she get home if you werent called to be the taxi driver?

Has she always been this way when she drinks?

What do her friends think about it? I know it used to happen with a particular friend of mine years ago and we basically stopped inviting her out because she ruined nights out with her need to be "minded".

skallywag

....... wrote: »

IMO a person who is unable to go for a few drinks without becoming so locked that they cant speak really shouldnt be drinking at all.

Agree strongly with this.

Under normal circumstances I would tend to agree that you the OP should leave her off and not text etc., but considering the fact that she is getting into such a state that she cannot actually speak, then I myself would be full of worry when she is out.

I'm no stranger to a few jars myself, and in younger years I would have found myself in the same condition from time to time, but when it comes to the stage that you cannot speak it will also usually mean that you cannot move safely from A to B, etc, and will end up totally reliant on the people you are with. God knows what could happen if her buddies are just as bad or she gets separated from them, etc.

joeguevara

In the op you mention that your girlfriend has a much less mature attitude to drink than you do. You then mention that you text her after a couple of hours checking in. A couple of posts later it is after 5 hours of heavy daytime drinking which is way different to what was posted.

Now if it was me and I had a partner who was nagging me about drinking, saying I had an immature relationship with it, texting checking up on me when I’m with friends it would drive me nuts.

There is nothing worse in a relationship where the dynamic changes and one acts like the parent and the other like the child. It is interesting that you put inverted commas around the word sesh. She is in her 30s and is entitled to go out with her friends once a month without being made guilty. Saying that your feelings should be respected to but you aren’t expressing them well to your girlfriend. Do you have a go at her before she goes out even if it’s passive aggressive. Could your well meaning texts come across as an annoying mammy. There is nothing less sexy in a relationship than the moaning and petulance. Both seem to happen here.

I’m not saying your partner is right and a lot of what you say makes sense but this is an issue that neither of you are handling. You come across as pious and your girlfriend comes across as a brat. Sort it out without confrontation. It sounds that it’s ruining what otherwise sounds like a good relationship. That’s the sad part.

You mention finances so are probably saving for something. Could you be on different pages?

qwerty13

It would drive me mad if a partner was checking up on me when I was out.

However, it sounds like your GF seriously cannot handle her drink/pace herself.

I think you are dealing with your concerns about her drinking by being her minder. And then getting fed up when she doesnt appreciate you playing that role. Tbh I think it’s fair enough that she resists the ‘you parent, she bold child’ dynamic.

What would be far better would be if you shifted your focus from being annoyed re not feeling appreciated, to having a conversation where you tell her that you’re not at all happy re her level of drinking.

Big Bag of Chips

I think people who have never been in a relationship with a problem drinker don't understand the impact it can have. And the responses people get are often 'they're only having a few drinks'.

Most people in the situation know the difference between having a few drinks and problem drinking. Your gf is a problem drinker. Her drinking causes problems for you, and her friends (if they are left minding her at the end of the night and trying to get her home). Her drinking is not a problem for her yet because everyone around her is protecting her from the consequences.

It's unlikely to change. There does come a point where most people do mature in their attitude to drinking and move away from the need to get pissed every time they drink. One has to assume her friends don't get into the state she does if they are the ones ringing to arrange her lifts home. So if she has not matured her attitude to drinking in line with her peers, then it is something that's unlikely to change in the future.

So you decide, put up with it, or don't.

.......

joeguevara wrote: »

There is nothing worse in a relationship where the dynamic changes and one acts like the parent and the other like the child.

More interesting is the reason why this has come to be?

Perhaps the OPs partner is not capable of being in a mature relationship because she cannot conduct herself as a responsible adult?

Idle Passerby

I'm surprised so many others are focusing on OP sending a text rather than the fact her partner gets so drunk she can't speak or hold a phone and needs to be sent home by her friends. That to me sounds like a very worrying relationship with alcohol. Getting that paralytic every month, in your mid 30s is not normal in my opinion.

Perhaps being willing to be her taxi is only enabling her excessive drinking. Maybe she needs to realise she has to look after herself on a night out and stay sober enough to make her own way safely home.

GingerLily

Idle Passerby wrote: »

I'm surprised so many others are focusing on OP sending a text rather than the fact her partner gets so drunk she can't speak or hold a phone and needs to be sent home by her friends. That to me sounds like a very worrying relationship with alcohol. Getting that paralytic every month, in your mid 30s is not normal in my opinion.

Perhaps being willing to be her taxi is only enabling her excessive drinking. Maybe she needs to realise she has to look after herself on a night out and stay sober enough to make her own way safely home.

The narrative changed quite drastically since the OP has provided more detail, which naturally gives mixed advice.

There's a big difference betwen not having phone chats / texting conversations, and not being able to make a phone call to get home.

baby and crumble

OP, I'm in a same-sex relationship and i know what you mean about dynamics being slightly different but in this instance they don't make a massive difference I reckon, You're both in different places when it comes to boozing. Nothing wrong with that but you have to set some basic ground rules (and so does she).

I'm not a big drinker, and I hate (HATE) being around people who've lost control of themselves while drinking, and that includes my wife on the rare times it happens. I couldn't give a crap about her going out and getting drunk, but I made it clear that it's a hard line for me. If she comes home smelling of drink she sleeps in the spare room because the smell of booze terrifies me (long story, nearly abducted as a child by a drunk guy). There was a time when I would be texting her quite a bit when she was out with mates and it rightfully wrecked her head. I was being way too harsh about it.

However, she understood that it wasn't about me controlling who she was with or where she was, it was that excessive drinking worries me more because she may be in danger without all her wits about her- genuinely.

So, she has an alarm in her phone for a certain time when she goes out. When it goes off she texts me to let me know if she's coming home soon or plans to stay out/ stay with friends. it means if I'm at home asleep and I wake up at 3am and she's not there, there's a message waiting for me to explain the story. then I can happily go back to sleep without being worried and I'll see her when I see her!

Now, that doesn't really help your lift issue, but honestly if I were you I'd just tell her straight out that if she wants a lift from you after a night out she needs to be ready when it's convenient for you. I wouldn't be listening to her getting stroppy when you're just asking her when she wants picking up. You're doing HER a favour on that one.

osarusan

OP, what is the real issue you have? Is it that she simply drinks too much, or is it that she breaks the prearranged plans for collection?

If it's the former, it sounds like she is downplaying how much she drinks if you try to raise it.

If it's the latter, I'd just tell her that you are not going to call her or offer a lift home any more as it's too much trouble.

Whatever it is, if you are arranging a time to collect her, and she isn't there at the right time, or calling you at another time, or needing her friends to call you because she is too drunk, she can't fail to realise that it's poor behaviour (whether she will admit to it or not).

Big Bag of Chips

osarusan wrote: »

.... needing her friends to call you because she is too drunk, she can't fail to realise that it's poor behaviour (whether she will admit to it or not).

You'd be surprised, OP, how many people don't recognise this as poor behaviour in themselves. Although they might be very quick to point it out in others. It is a form of denial, and for as long as there are others willing to sort the problems for them, then there isn't actually any problem. You are going to have to start refusing to go collect her. Let her pay the extra for a taxi. Or let her friends pick up the cost. They won't be long about dropping her /letting her know that they're not happy with her carry on. As of now they pass the responsibility on to you. If you shift the responsibility back then it will be up to them to tell her to cop on, or up to them to let her know they're not going to keep minding her every night. That in turn will mean she has to decide whether she continues as she is, or cops herself on.


It is a long long road to realisation though. And the longer everyone around her picks up the pieces, the longer it allows her to not admit there's any issue.

December2012

I think baby and crumble has a spot on solution.

lulu1

I dont think sending a text is controlling but to be honest if she wants to go out and spend her day drinking with friends I would let her get a taxi home and let her pay for it.

xi5yvm0owc1s2b

OP, your partner has a drinking problem. That's the real issue here. If a mid-30s woman is regularly going out and drinking so much that she no longer use a phone or talk, then it's a serious issue that needs to be addressed, for her sake as well as yours.

You're naturally worried when she goes out, given her patterns. You don't know after a few hours whether she's having fun with her friends or lying comatose on the street somewhere. Someone who drinks to such excess is at risk of everything from serious injury to sexual assault to death by asphyxiation. It's natural to want to make contact and check in under those circumstances.

It should go without saying that a pattern of her going out and getting absolutely hammered while you sit at home worrying and being in the role of a caretaker is not sustainable in a healthy relationship. You are her girlfriend, not her Mammy.

She needs to get her drinking in check. Talking to a GP is a good start. Learning her limit and sticking to it is essential. She shouldn't get involved in buying rounds -- she can easily end up drunker than she wants to be, and still have 3 or 4 drinks still sitting on the table.

You need to talk to her and make it clear how concerned you are and what a big issue this is.

Wabbit Ears

When Either myself or my wife go out drinking we will have a session. We have kids and we don't get to go out often so when we do, we like to burn off steam. Often we go out with our separate groups or with our workmates.

Me, I often arrange a hotel to crash at as My wife doesn't like driving into town or whatnot at night (we live semi-rural). If shes out Ill pick her up. It doesn't matter when. I tell her Ill make sure to have my ringer volume on and to call me when shes ready. That could be 12, 1 or 5am. Doesn't matter. Ill get up and pick her up.

One thing we do NOT do is be a buzzkill and text or call when the others out. That.. that's just some insecure-a$s BS. There is NO reasonable reason to do that, even if youre going to be picking them up. let them have the night out and be taxi driver or don't, but there's no pretending that an agreed time to pick them up is anything other then trying to impose a curfew.

vetinari

I think that's pretty unfair. If I'm being a taxi driver for someone, I have a right to know around what time that will be. I'm not a servant.