How Can You Go Four Months Without Contacting Your Family

jimd2

Anyone think that this is bizarre behaviour? To go from October to February without any contact with family or friends and only surface after a nationwide search.

If there are no extenuating circumstances then I would have to say it is extremely odd and selfish behaviour.

https://www.independent.ie/irish-news/irishman-missing-in-australia-for-four-months-found-safe-and-well-37845631.html

Gwynplaine

The fool.

My best friend hasn't seen or spoken to his family in ten years, he got a bus one day, landed at my doorstep in London, and never went home.

Not going to discuss his private life on here, but I've never seen him happier. People have all sorts of reasons for doing this. Some of us were lucky with the families we were born to, others not so much. Its ridiculous to expect everyone to stay, or provide their family with reassurances.

We don't know what happened here but I suspect there were some good reasons.

1874

jimd2 wrote: »

Anyone think that this is bizarre behaviour? To go from October to February without any contact with family or friends and only surface after a nationwide search.

If there are no extenuating circumstances then I would have to say it is extremely odd and selfish behaviour.

https://www.independent.ie/irish-news/irishman-missing-in-australia-for-four-months-found-safe-and-well-37845631.html

You dont know anything about the family circumstances? it might not tally with your own experience, some family arent that close, maybe they dont really speak, maybe there was some disagreement? he's an adult he is entitled to not have contact with anyone he doesnt want if he decides Id say. It might not seem nice, but I dont know how anyone here can pass judgement unless they know some specifics.

wench

Nah, seems normal enough to me.
Headline should be "Man minding his own business in Australia for four months, tracked down by needy family members"

Little Less Conversation

wench wrote: »

Nah, seems normal enough to me.
Headline should be "Man minding his own business in Australia for four months, tracked down by needy family members"

Four months is hardly needy. Nothing over Christmas. It's selfish behaviour.

Larbre34

It is pretty selfish. Whether or not you're in strife with your family, or having a difficult time yourself, it costs very little effort to get a message to them and say 'im fine but dont expect to hear from me, maybe for a long while'. Then both parties can get on with their lives for the time being, maybe in future things will be different.

Its nice to know though that somewhere he has some people who care enough to go to those lengths.

wench

Little Less Conversation wrote: »

It's selfish behaviour.

On the part of his family, yes.
They are only concerned with their own desire for contact and care not about his desire to be left alone.

1874

Little Less Conversation wrote: »

Four months is hardly needy. Nothing over Christmas. It's selfish behaviour.

Some of my family are in the antipodes, I dont speak to them often, but send the odd (infrequent) message, dont expect a reply. While I have spoken to them recently its more frequently so than to some of my family that live in Ireland.

Little Less Conversation

wench wrote: »

On the part of his family, yes.
They are only concerned with their own desire for contact and care not about his desire to be left alone.

Australia is a long long way from home. It's not unreasonable to keep in touch instead of having family think you're dead in the Australian outback.

Larbre34

Larbre34 wrote: »

It is pretty selfish. Whether or not you're in strife with your family, or having a difficult time yourself, it costs very little effort to get a message to them and say 'im fine but dont expect to hear from me, maybe for a long while'.

you don't know that he didn't do so. You also don't know what kind of relationship he had with his family prior to this.

In my best friend's case, he didn't warn his family he was leaving, and they don't seem to have made much effort to contact him either, except for his extended family.

It's not something you or I may find easy to countenance, but an outsider never know what happens behind closed doors. Just be grateful this guy is alright and is hopefully getting on with his life. Be aware that when employers or others google his name in future, this thread could show up.

Church on Tuesday

Not every family is like the Waltons.

For the life of me I can't understand how some people can't fathom this stuff.

freshpopcorn

I don't know the circumstances here.
Not everybody always gets on in my experience for various reasons.
I know various families who don't get on. These aren't people who'd appear on Jeremy Kyle but they simple haven't talked to family for years.
Sometimes people just have to get away from bad environments.
If you give somebody an inch they'd take a mile.

Irish Guitarist

The only member of my family I get on with is my mother. I could happily never speak to my siblings again. If I moved to another country it wouldn't even occur to me that they'd give a shite where I was. I have one sister in particular that I know wouldn't give a fuck if I dropped dead.

I don't know if it's the same with this man but I wouldn't judge him on the basis of that scant article.

jimd2

1874 wrote: »

You dont know anything about the family circumstances? it might not tally with your own experience, some family arent that close, maybe they dont really speak, maybe there was some disagreement? he's an adult he is entitled to not have contact with anyone he doesnt want if he decides Id say. It might not seem nice, but I dont know how anyone here can pass judgement unless they know some specifics.

Obviously the meaning of "If there are no extenuating circumstances" are lost on you.

I dont expect people to have fallen out to try and keep in contact and thats what I meant by extenuating circumstances.

Even so, surely he would have kept in touch with someone, be it a friend, ex work colleague or ex girlfriend. And I dont mean a need for social media.

Mad_maxx

Not like the chap ran away at fourteen, if you were in trouble in most cases, news would reach home

CoBo55

Wife's sister went to the UK about 6 years ago haven't heard a word from her since, no loss she's a poisonous bitch.

dodderangler

Acted the bollox before and lost contact with my family for months over doing something stupid.
Horrible time. Family is always there.

eviltwin

I haven't had contact with my immediate family in over 20 years. They don't know where I live, that I'm married and I don't think they even know about the existence of my youngest child. I have no interest in any of them again and certainly wouldn't be checking in with them if I was abroad. Some families are so bad you don't want anything to do with them.

jimd2

A Tyrant Named Miltiades! wrote: »

you don't know that he didn't do so. You also don't know what kind of relationship he had with his family prior to this.

In my best friend's case, he didn't warn his family he was leaving, and they don't seem to have made much effort to contact him either, except for his extended family.

It's not something you or I may find easy to countenance, but an outsider never know what happens behind closed doors. Just be grateful this guy is alright and is hopefully getting on with his life. Be aware that when employers or others google his name in future, this thread could show up.

surely the indo article and possible RTE report etc will also show up.

banie01

I've cut a substantial part of my family out of my life. Its done my home life the world of good.
Significant reduction in BS, Drama and trouble, coupled with a significant improvement in my happiness and mental health.

Some people just aren't worth the effort of always making allowances, its selling little bits of your soul and all you get in return is pain!
Took me @37years and the death of my mother to actually make the change, but I'm much happier for it!

jimd2

banie01 wrote: »

I've cut a substantial part of my family out of my life. Its done my home life the world of good.
Significant reduction in BS, Drama and trouble, coupled with a significant improvement in my happiness and mental health.

Some people just aren't worth the effort of always making allowances, its selling little bits of your soul and all you get in return is pain!
Took me @37years and the death of my mother to actually make the change, but I'm much happier for it!

Yes, totally understandable but have you cut contact with EVERYONE?

I think that the police, authorities etc would have exhausted many options before going public as they have had to do here.

Richard Hillman

I don't like mine. No serious issues or history, I just don't like them.

banie01

jimd2 wrote: »

Yes, totally understandable but have you cut contact with EVERYONE?

I think that the police, authorities etc would have exhausted many options before going public as they have had to do here.

Has he? Apart from a hyperbolic headline driven by his family, how do we know he hasn't maintained contact with friends that he actually considers just that?

My friends and my family have very little overlap, and if they went carrying stories back to my family, they wouldn't be my friends.

This fella seems to have made a concious decision to exclude the people who made the appeal from his life and fair play to him for that.
New continent, new start and maybe to his mind that means exactly that?
Including severing ties.

jimbobaloobob

wench wrote: »

Nah, seems normal enough to me.
Headline should be "Man minding his own business in Australia for four months, tracked down by needy family members"

I sense Waterford whispers will look to employ you

Odelay

eviltwin wrote: »

I haven't had contact with my immediate family in over 20 years. They don't know where I live, that I'm married and I don't think they even know about the existence of my youngest child. I have no interest in any of them again and certainly wouldn't be checking in with them if I was abroad. Some families are so bad you don't want anything to do with them.

Especially if you’re the eviltwin

banie01

Odelay wrote: »

Especially if you’re the eviltwin

Thats actually brilliant! :pac:

Wanderer2010

There is this strange belief still prevalent that just because someone participated in your birth, that those people have your best interests at heart and that you should stay close to and spend time with these people. Rubbish. Family can be as bad and as toxic for you as strangers, between manipulation, abuse both mental and physical and generally making your life a misery. Some family you can do well without forever.

jimd2

jimd2 wrote: »

surely the indo article and possible RTE report etc will also show up.

They will, but the Indo hasn't called him selfish or implied that he was acting irresponsibly. I wish more people would be careful with their words, when they obviously aren't in possession of all the facts.

He's alive and safe, and that's wonderful. Now let's leave him get on with his life, eh?

RhubarbCrumble

Nobody knows the circumstances or what's really going on in this man's life. My 'family' and I haven't spoken in over 4 years.
You have no idea what happens behind closed doors, so don't judge.

Ariadne

It really depends on the circumstances. If they were in regular contact and he just dropped off the face of the earth then of course they'd be worried. However, he may well have had his reasons for distancing himself from his family. He may have let them know that he didn't want any further contact, we just don't know and therefore we are certainly not in a position to judge him.

Homer

Church on Tuesday wrote: »

Not every family is like the Waltons.

For the life of me I can't understand how some people can't fathom this stuff.

The word busybody springs to mind.. they are more interested in everyone elses lives than their own!

doolox

In my own case I was actually advised to minimise contact with two of my sisters who have mental health and self esteem issues due to ongoing underlying disabilities and were difficult to talk to or relate with due to my life experiences being different to theirs.

My third and youngest sister and I are very close both in temperament and outlook on life and we meet up as often as we can with little fuss or ceremony.

I recall our mother isolating herself from people because she felt a big meal or production was needed when meeting friends or acquaintences ( of which she had few) or relatives ( of which she had many ).

Myself and my younger sister try to avoid this by meeting friends outside the home or just not getting involved in a big production entertainment-wise.

Many people just want to talk and make contact and are not looking for a big meal or a perfect hostess. You could not tell my mother that and it isolated her a lot.

Many emigrants can get ashamed of their perceived lack of self worth or job advancement and they can break off contact with family and neighbours in their hometowns when they hit on hard times.

I have encountered this on some occasions when people were made homeless, lost jobs or hit on bad health, broken relationships etc. and they disappeared off the face of the earth regarding contact with their parents and siblings in the home town.

My youngest brother in law is in one of these phases at the moment, to the puzzlement, consternation and anger of his siblings.

pq0n1ct4ve8zf5

I'd assume that this was more a case of him deliberately ceasing to contact them rather than just not bothering and certainly none of us should judge him for that.

If he told his family that and they still reported him missing that's one thing, but if he had a normal conversation or a huge row with them in October and then just disappeared in Australia surely it's pretty predictable that they'd launch appeals? Australia is a long way away and immigrants go missing or get attacked there quite often.

There are lots of dysfunctional and toxic families but presumably there aren't half as many where not one member of the extended group will check at least once that the person isn't murdered rather than estranged.

ginandtonicsky

A Tyrant Named Miltiades! wrote: »

My best friend hasn't seen or spoken to his family in ten years, he got a bus one day, landed at my doorstep in London, and never went home.

Not going to discuss his private life on here, but I've never seen him happier. People have all sorts of reasons for doing this. Some of us were lucky with the families we were born to, others not so much. Its ridiculous to expect everyone to stay, or provide their family with reassurances.

We don't know what happened here but I suspect there were some good reasons.

And some people are just reckless and inconsiderate and just can’t be arsed staying in touch. Totally generalising but I’ve noticed it’s usually men who fall out of the contact loop for no good reason.

I live in London and I’ve met a good few Irish lads who couldn’t tell you the last time they spoke to their mam or visited the family home. It’s a real red flag to me as a single woman. Unless there’s a legitimate reason such as a terrible family background, there’s absolutely no excuse for not calling your folks or dropping them a text semi regularly solely to let them know you are alive.

Mad_maxx

eviltwin wrote: »

I haven't had contact with my immediate family in over 20 years. They don't know where I live, that I'm married and I don't think they even know about the existence of my youngest child. I have no interest in any of them again and certainly wouldn't be checking in with them if I was abroad. Some families are so bad you don't want anything to do with them.

I don't know anything about you but this sounds very brave on your part to me, took strength

Wish I'd done the same twenty years ago but only in respect of my father who's long dead now incidentally

freshpopcorn

ginandtonicsky wrote: »

And some people are just reckless and inconsiderate and just can’t be arsed staying in touch. Totally generalising but I’ve noticed it’s usually men who fall out of the contact loop for no good reason.

I live in London and I’ve met a good few Irish lads who couldn’t tell you the last time they spoke to their mam or visited the family home. It’s a real red flag to me as a single woman. Unless there’s a legitimate reason such as a terrible family background, there’s absolutely no excuse for not calling your folks or dropping them a text semi regularly solely to let them know you are alive.

There generally is a reason for people losing contact with family. It's not something people do light heartedly.
You seem judgemental in your post and people probably wouldn't share the real reason why they've lost contact with there family with you.

banie01

freshpopcorn wrote: »

There generally is a reason for people losing contact with family. It's not something people do light heartedly.
You seem judgemental in your post and people probably wouldn't share the real reason why they've lost contact with there family with you.

I was just about to post similar!
As for its being a "red flag"? its not something I'd discuss with someone I was just dating.
I can't imagine the conversation at a dinner date turning to a discussion of toxic family environments.

ginandtonicsky

freshpopcorn wrote: »

There generally is a reason for people losing contact with family. It's not something people do light heartedly.
You seem judgemental in your post and people probably wouldn't share the real reason why they've lost contact with there family with you.

“Yeah I’m really bad at staying in touch” I’ve heard a few times. Two are friends whose families I’ve met and no issues, they’re just not close and they can’t be bothered.

Sometimes people just are lazy and selfish, whether you want to believe it or not.

Outlaw Pete

Little Less Conversation wrote: »

Four months is hardly needy. Nothing over Christmas. It's selfish behaviour.

Did you just assume his delusion?

RhubarbCrumble

ginandtonicsky wrote: »

Sometimes people just are lazy and selfish, whether you want to believe it or not.

And sometimes people have gone through horrendous abuse by the people who are supposed to love them most, their family, whether YOU want to believe it or not.

You come across as a very judgemental person.

eviltwin

ginandtonicsky wrote: »

“Yeah I’m really bad at staying in touch” I’ve heard a few times. Two are friends whose families I’ve met and no issues, they’re just not close and they can’t be bothered.

Sometimes people just are lazy and selfish, whether you want to believe it or not.

This is exactly what I say when asked about my family. I wouldn't go into the whole saga with a stranger so a vague answer is easier. I'm sure some people think I'm an awful bitch especially because my family are the street angel house devil variety. Some people are just not great at keeping in touch but never assume and don't judge a person for it.

pah

jimd2 wrote: »

Anyone think that this is bizarre behaviour? To go from October to February without any contact with family or friends and only surface after a nationwide search.

If there are no extenuating circumstances then I would have to say it is extremely odd and selfish behaviour.

https://www.independent.ie/irish-news/irishman-missing-in-australia-for-four-months-found-safe-and-well-37845631.html

The fact you have to ask leads me to believe you have led a very sheltered life

freshpopcorn

ginandtonicsky wrote: »

“Yeah I’m really bad at staying in touch” I’ve heard a few times. Two are friends whose families I’ve met and no issues, they’re just not close and they can’t be bothered.

Sometimes people just are lazy and selfish, whether you want to believe it or not.

So your friends with people who you judge and you consider to be lazy and selfish people.(If I'm reading that correctly).
Sometimes families aren't overly close.
Not everybody shares the real reason why they've lost contact with people shur we're not that close is a brush off in my experience.

_Kaiser_

eviltwin wrote: »

I haven't had contact with my immediate family in over 20 years. They don't know where I live, that I'm married and I don't think they even know about the existence of my youngest child. I have no interest in any of them again and certainly wouldn't be checking in with them if I was abroad. Some families are so bad you don't want anything to do with them.

Pretty much the same really. The only one I keep in contact with really is my sister and that's usually over WhatsApp every few weeks.

Our parents are both dead, and we haven't heard a thing from mam's side since she died a few years ago and we neither expect nor want to. Mam was sick for a long time but it deteriorated significantly in the last few years of her life. Her parents could have helped make her more comfortable, but didn't nor did they bother visiting her at all in that time - yet they played the grieving parents for the town on the day of her funeral.
Mam's sister (a somewhat unhinged type who bullied her throughout her life) spent the day verbally attacking my sister.

Mam being ever practical had agreed that they would take care of the arrangements but myself and my sister had to find out the details on rip.ie

The fact that we don't hear from any of them since is no loss whatsoever.

Edgware

Little Less Conversation wrote: »

Four months is hardly needy. Nothing over Christmas. It's selfish behaviour.

If a person wants to go and lead a lone life well in my view they are fully entitled to do so.
However if doing so it wouldnt be unreasonable to leave a message with some family member to that effect rather than have family memers concerned that a tragedy had occurred.
I had an uncle who did just that and while we knew he was in London we had no contact for over 25 years.
There wasnt a family dispute or anything. It was just that he found Irish life in a rural town restricting.

jimd2

A Tyrant Named Miltiades! wrote: »

They will, but the Indo hasn't called him selfish or implied that he was acting irresponsibly. I wish more people would be careful with their words, when they obviously aren't in possession of all the facts.

He's alive and safe, and that's wonderful. Now let's leave him get on with his life, eh?

His name has not been mentioned by me or anyone else on this thread so a search will bring up news articles not threads with a link to them.

i just cannot see how I am preventing him from getting on with him life.

for all we know he told them to leave him alone and they launched this anyway

jimd2

Edgware wrote: »

If a person wants to go and lead a lone life well in my view they are fully entitled to do so.
However if doing so it wouldnt be unreasonable to leave a message with some family member to that effect rather than have family memers concerned that a tragedy had occurred.
I had an uncle who did just that and while we knew he was in London we had no contact for over 25 years.

Yes, I agree. It's just very strange as I would imagine that if there had been a family falling out then the authorities may not have assumed that he was missing.

jimd2

bluewolf wrote: »

for all we know he told them to leave him alone and they launched this anyway

If he did that then yes they should have accepted that but, on face value, that doesn't seem to have been the case.

ginandtonicsky

freshpopcorn wrote: »

So your friends with people who you judge and you consider to be lazy and selfish people.(If I'm reading that correctly).
Sometimes families aren't overly close.
Not everybody shares the real reason why they've lost contact with people shur we're not that close is a brush off in my experience.

And some are just shyte at contact. What’s so hard to believe about that?

Noone’s perfect including my friends and I’m noone’s mother, live and let live but it’s not a behaviour I’d be engaging in or a lad I’d be dating either.