Please help me with a life crisis guys?

Emigrant17

Hi everyone
I'm new here, so apologies if I don't get the full grasp re posting rules etc.

I'm a 28 year old Irish guy. I qualified from UCD when I was 23 and haven't worked in Ireland since I graduated (mainly due to lack of opportunity). This was split into one year in the USA, 3 years in the UK and one year working part-time in the UK and living in Ireland part-time.

My current job in the UK, which I've had for 3 years, is extremely (can't stress this word enough) long hours and high-stress. The only reason I have stayed here is that I am working towards a qualification that I couldn't get if I quit. This qualification will give me a better quality of life afterwards. The downside of this job is that for the last 3 years I have been very unhappy, had zero life outside work and only am able to call my family to chat to them once a week because my hours are so long and the job makes me so grumpy.

My line of work is extremely specialised. This means that in Ireland there is basically only one place I can work. I interviewed there a couple of months ago and didn't get the job sadly. I have a lot of friends in the UK, but am close to my family and would love to live a bit closer. Theres a big difference between living on the same island and the one next door. That said, I also have a sense of adventure and am still (relatively) young, so part of me wants to experience a bit more of the world (just a year more) before settling in Ireland long-term, which I hope to do.

Around the same time I applied for the Irish job, an advertisement came up for a job in Sydney. I applied and didn't think much of it, but last week I interviewed, and today I got offered the job. It is just for a year, pays well and would be really good for my future career. I wouldn't hesitate to accept it if it were in the UK. It would make going back to live in Ireland easier too, as I would have a really high chance of getting a job there with the Australian experience. It sounds like a great opportunity in so many ways, and I should be really happy. But there are a couple of things making me hesitate.

1. My parents. My dad is 61 and my mam is 57. They are both in good health, although my mam has back trouble for the past year that limits her mobility a lot. She has developed quite a lot of anxiety about that. I know she misses me a lot, and she cries whenever I head back on the plane to the UK. She tries not to do this in front of me, but sometimes she can't help it. When I told her I was interviewing for a job in Australia, her face fell. I know it would devastate her, me moving there. I fully intend to only go for a year, and would commit to at least 3 trips a year home (which is as much as I currently can do from the UK, with my current job) during that year, but it is more of a psychological thing for her, me being so far away, I think. I know she also fears I will stay there long term, although I know this is something I don't want for myself. I want to be in Europe long-term, ideally Ireland

2. My other relationships. I have moved around a lot in the last few years. I've made some really truely good friends, but due to all the moving and my business have lost touch with some in Ireland, and don't really have a "home" base anymore. Part of me just wants to settle somewhere and have a strong base of friends and social circle, but I cant do this in Ireland at the moment. The next best option in this regard would be to stay in the UK for now, but I may not get quite as good a job here, and don't know hoe Brexit will affect my earnings. I am single (chronically) and have a real hard time approaching girls (lack of confidence). There's a girl at work here in the UK I'm interested in, but can't figure out if she is interested in me or not. I know I should just ask her out, but now not sure if it is fair now for me to ask her, if I am going to be moving to Australia for a year. I also really want to move to Ireland afterwards and not sure if she would want to for her career. I know I am MASSIVELY overthinking this, but this not-even relationship is another thing holding me back. if I move to Australia, I think I will purposefully avoid a relationship so I don't get tied down, which I know is ridiculous. But then Ill be 30 and still a single man.

My head is all over the place right now. I know there is no right or wrong decision, and again it is only for one year so what the big deal eh? I just feel so torn, and feel so guilty for even considering the move, given I know I would upset my mam so much. I actually wish I never applied for this job, because I feel so torn. I can't believe I'm asking strangers on a forum about this, but would really really really appreciate an outside opinion on my situation, and what you would do if you were me? Please help me out.

I'm awful curious about what your job is OP.

Emigrant17

I'm a dental specialist

peasant

You currently have no job opportunity in Ireland
You have a job in Sydney
You hate your job in the UK
Brexit

Go to Sydney for the year and work on getting that job in Ireland from there.

RobAMerc

go to Austrailia - Your mum will get over it, they are positively children at 60ish and should look at it as an opportunity to come visit you for a while

You will regret not going, if you dont.
Not just because of your missed chance to travel, but because your career might never fulfill its potential.

Friends will still be there when you return. This is about you, your life and your opportunities.

Roger Hassenforder

as a parent, i'd be furious with myself if my kids being worried about me, held them back.
I reckon your olds would be more upset if you did yourself out of a better future worrying about them.

Samuel T. Cogley

You're 28 FFS, you're still a kid and your parents are still very young too. Feck off and enjoy yourself and get the great experience for your further career.

ceadaoin.

I don't know. I live in the US and I hate being away from family. We see each other a few times a year but saying bye again is always so sad. Not sure I would be able to go as far away as Australia now (I did the obligatory working holiday thing years ago, that was enough)

Gremlinertia

Go.. Just go, you'll have money to come home if needed and in current terms your parents are young.

Giveaway

The girl at work in UK. do not let that hold you back. Go to Syndney.
having worked professionally in UK the levels of groupthink and delusion of how good they are is something to behold. The amount of times i heard "world-leading/beating" for a fairly average service was unbelievable(but they genuinly believed were best in the world) Get out of that environment, see new ways of doing things(probably better than UK) and use Australia to grow

CPTM

Your parents have lived a lot of their lives without you. They had friends, money, social events, so much freedom without you. It's nice that they like to see you home, and miss you when you're gone, but they are perfectly fine to live without you. Go to Oz, but stay in contact with them. Send them pictures of you happy and safe and succeeding. Invite them out to visit. They're so young too! Plenty of time to go and develop and come back. They will realise very fast that it was the best decision. And so will you.

Just book it!! Forget about the perfect date or flight - book it!

Cee-Jay-Cee

Go to Sydney for a year. You’ll regret it if you don’t.

Britain is a ****hole, Ireland is an even bigger ****hole. Take the opportunity to go to Oz and then move home. One more year won’t make any difference, you are still very young with plenty of time to meet someone and settle down. I didn’t get married till I was 38.

Don’t think anymore, just do it.

vargoo

SEPT 23 1989 wrote: »

So you would step over your own poor mother and father for money and greed

Shocking stuff

Right so I read it all after seeing this to see what other crap he said but it turns out you just can't read.

Just go OP, it's a year, after a few weeks you'll all adapt, that's how it works, ever hear of video chat, use the fuking thing and stop being such a dick to your ma.

Friends come and go but for the precious few.....as Baz says below.

Never mind your one in work, you shouldn't go there anyway. Plenty of fish.

No fear mother fu*ker, theirs your answer^^.

Dunno how their can be only one place in Ireland though, how special are ya...

60 is the new 40. Your mum will come round. FaceTime once a week and encourage them to visit you. Go for it.

mzungu

Deleted User wrote: »

I need periodontal treatment. How timely!

Oh really??





:pac::pac::D

Australia is not a bad shout.

But I get the feeling you’re letting work takeover your life and missing out on friendship and relationships.

Emigrant17

Youre absolutely right, that's what Im trying to change. The Australian job would give me normal hours and a good wage. But also would be moving there alone

1874

Break all ties with your family and former life, tell no one you are going, not even (especially) your parents, they are clearly holding you back,
Actually I was going to write something nice, I dont rant like this on AH.
Seriously, Im astonished there is so little work in that field, (and only in one place in Ireland, really1?), I dont know the specifics, but maybe its more specialised than it sounds (not a dig).
1, at your age with your prospects here as you describe them, Id go.
Im sure you Mother will miss you but she'd be a terrible mother if she wanted to hold you back and it sounds better for you to go, so Im sure its not that she's a terrible mother, just a mother.

2, if you like that girl, dont stun her into shock, dont outright ask her out as that may have her do the usual woimin stuff like say no when hit up with an enquiry, just say you were offered a job in Sydney in the course of conversation (in most cases this is not much use if you dont get into conversation with her normally already). Tell her you'd like to stay in touch and if there is a going away thing or you get to talk to her before you go away, because you like her already you may have built her up so I think go in with a casual but not disinterested attitude, see what she says. If the response is unclear, throw in the suggestion if she was planning a trip, maybe you could meet up. You could be really nosey or maybe just enquiring does she know anyone there(is she likely to go herself) on the basis you dont know the place and wheres a nice area?

3, at the least, she might see you're interested and give you a send off.


just read the last few lies, I would not be concerned about being single at 30 or any age, Im in my early forties and I wish I was single, loads of opportunity on that score for you, settling down with one person is not all its cracked up to be (and I dont even think its cracked up to be that much), just that its expected, and women expect or they will withold fanny, well they can do that when you are tied down (not literally) and then what, you're like a married person thats single, thats worse. Personally I think got it wrong because I was not sure what to do when younger myself and no one really told me except the mainstream view, while people look down on those that remain single and have kids (kids will definitely limit your options and opportunities you can avail of), they seem to have it better than those that dont, that view is foisted on us by the state in the main, but they support the opposing view too? its fcuked up.
Go and enjoy yourself and learn and grow in your new job, dont go without saying something to that girl, but dont go nuts, at least you'll know you asked or left the door open for her, if she throws herself at you (who knows) dont cancel your trip, just arrange for her to go over and meet you there, in the meantime shag everything in sight (with consent of course and bag it too).

RobertKK

Go to Sydney.

LessOutragePlz

Just do it

vargoo

1874 wrote: »

2, if you like that girl, dont stun her into shock, dont outright ask her out as that may have her do the usual woimin stuff like say no when hit up with an enquiry, just say you were offered a job in Sydney in the course of conversation (in most cases this is not much use if you dont get into conversation with her normally already). Tell her you'd like to stay in touch and if there is a going away thing or you get to talk to her before you go away, because you like her already you may have built her up so I think go in with a casual but not disinterested attitude, see what she says. If the response is unclear, throw in the suggestion if she was planning a trip, maybe you could meet up. You could be really nosey or maybe just enquiring does she know anyone there(is she likely to go herself) on the basis you dont know the place and wheres a nice area?

Actually yea, you're going so have a chat with her, nothing to lose. She might end up going with ya.

Buford T. Justice XIX

Mod note: Hi folks, I'm going to close this thread now and move it to Personal Issues which would be a much better forum for issues like this.


Thanks to all for your help and contributions on this thread.


Please note the change in forum and forum rules before posting.


Buford T. Justice

Neyite

Mod:

AH posts deleted - please remember it's PI Charter that now applies.

Reopened

looksee

OP, I am a good deal older than either of your parents and I would be mortified if I thought any of my (all adult) kids were passing up opportunities for my sake.

Go, its only for a year for heavens sake, you are too young to be hanging around wondering what the future will bring. Grasp all and any opportunity and if it turns out one of the reasons you hate your job is because you hate the dental aspect (rather than long hours or rubbish employers) then pack it in and find something else. Seriously, the longer you wait the harder it will get.

vargoo

looksee wrote: »

OP, I am a good deal older than either of your parents and I would be mortified if I thought any of my (all adult) kids were passing up opportunities for my sake.

Do we all not do this to some degree?

I know I did....am.

joeguevara

vargoo wrote: »

Do we all not do this to some degree?

I know I did....am.

It doesn’t make it right. Our parents lived their lives and made decisions without thinking as much of their parents as our generation seem to do. I know my parents made sacrifices so I can have opportunities that they didn’t. It would hurt them if I didn’t pursue things because of them.

The world is a lot smaller now with WhatsApp and FaceTime meaning you can be in contact without being their physically. For instance I haven’t been home in years but live in Ireland. We meet up but life is for living not for making do.

Tippex

Take the move you will regret it 100% if you don't.
If it was my son who has no idea what he wants to do (he's 16 so has plenty of time) I would be annoyed if he didn't take the opportunity

corklily05

OP This is a no-brainer. You're highly qualified, with brains to burn and the world at your feet. We in ireland suffer a lot from whats called catholic guilt which basically means you need to be there at you parents side whenever they need you. I'm sure your parents dont mean it but you have to live your own life as a young man and find yourself. Do what makes you happy, the prospect of moving to sydney is amazing and i wouldn't give it a 2nd thought. it's only for a year and great experience for you.

The weather is a little bonus to for you . Go to sydney and get your experience, your parents are in good health, no need to worry. As regards the girl, if its meant to be it'll happen one way or the other. Whats meant to be wont pass you by. I expect your next post will be that your flights are booked, ha ha!! Good luck anyway

LegacyUser

I will advise you to take the job in Australia. I could open doors for you as you would be getting a qualification soon and gathering work experience in Sydney. I dont see why you wont get one of the best jobs when you decide to move back.
As for your mum, it may not be easy for her but she needs to let go.
As someone living miles and miles away from home, family members should not put themselves into consideration when someone is about to do something adventurous.
If you had a really busy job, you prolly wont be able to see you family that often even if you live in the same house with them. I know it would be hard for you to do this to your mum but it has to be done.
Or does she want you to come home to Ireland and work in a local shop since you didnt get the job in the only company Ireland? Just so that she can see you everyday? (you can ask her if she would rather you do that)
Try explaining things to her and that you would be coming back to settle down in future.
Also, try to visit often to make her happy.
Goodluck

vargoo

corklily05 wrote: »

Whats meant to be wont pass you by.

Back away from the feel good quote pages.

That's a real crap one aswell.

dartboardio

So more or less this thread is that your mam will be really sad when you leave to go to Sydney. That is normal. All mothers and children will be sad to leave the family 'nest' or going away for a few months to a year.

Nowadays were never more than a phone call away. Even facetime so tbh it doesnt really matter where you are.

If you have decent friends they also have their own lives and will still be alive when you return
It is only a year like you said.

These issues seem be normal things everybody goes through.

Go for it. Youll regret not.

You cannot hold back on something like this because its emotional. Its not as if you are saying goodbye forever

Ted Johnson

corklily05 wrote: »

OP This is a no-brainer. You're highly qualified, with brains to burn and the world at your feet. We in ireland suffer a lot from whats called catholic guilt which basically means you need to be there at you parents side whenever they need you

Ah the old Catholic guilt meme. Can anyone explain what this particular brand of guilt is? How does it differ from protestant guilt, or Jewish guilt?

Op as I get older I have learned that money and jobs aren't important. It's your family that matters. I'd say the job in the UK would be the right option.

For example, my brother lives in Asia. Gets home a couple of times a year. Sure he's doing well but is it worth being so cut off from your friends and family, your home?

A weekly Skype call in no ways makes up for a pint with your old man or your mother's Sunday roast.

xi5yvm0owc1s2b

OP, you currently live in the UK and come home three times a year. During the proposed year in Australia, you would also visit three times. In short, your parents will see just as much of you as they normally would anyway!

Plus, your parents are relatively young. They can reasonably expect to be around for another 20-30 years.

If I were you, I'd take the job. I think you'll regret it later if you don't. If your parents aren't tech-literate, have someone set up Skype, FaceTime, or whatever for them so that they can see you and talk to you.

oil painting

Hi Op,

Maybe your mother is upset when you leave because she can sense how unhappy you are. If she can understand you are moving for standard of living she might be OK. Also if your only back 3 times a year, and that goes down to 1 or 2 times a year for a year there isn't really much difference with the geography. Sounds like you have gained valuable social skills at meeting new people and building a life for yourself. You may think something better is at home and its not. OZ sounds like its for you and is the tonic you need for your well being in life more so than money, family, job, it sounds like your soul is crying out for a sense of personal freedom, from the demands of the job and the obligations at home. Oz will also be a nicer pace of life and plenty of opportunity to meet someone and have a relationship if deep down these are the things that really matter to you let them be your guide and the rest will fall into place, good luck, sounds exciting

witchgirl26

oil painting wrote: »

Maybe your mother is upset when you leave because she can sense how unhappy you are.

This. OP my mam cried after leaving my brother in France (they helped him move over for his degree) because of the place he was staying was an absolute dive and he was so down about it all at the time.

Honestly though it seems like going to Sydney is the best plan at the moment. You hate where you are in terms of work etc so maybe a change of scenery could help.

oil painting

Ted Johnson wrote: »

Ah the old Catholic guilt meme. Can anyone explain what this particular brand of guilt is? How does it differ from protestant guilt, or Jewish guilt?

Op as I get older I have learned that money and jobs aren't important. It's your family that matters. I'd say the job in the UK would be the right option.

For example, my brother lives in Asia. Gets home a couple of times a year. Sure he's doing well but is it worth being so cut off from your friends and family, your home?

A weekly Skype call in no ways makes up for a pint with your old man or your mother's Sunday roast.

Irish catholic guilt, in this way is referencing the guilt where one feels tied to the apron strings or a feeling of obligation to prioritize parents lives over your own. Other religions or countries im thinking of France of the top of ,y head encourage job and financially success where ever it takes you.

vargoo

Thread is month old, decision made.