My depression cost me my relationship

Robocop Corcoran

OP ignore people telling you there's no comeback after calling her a whore. Its BS , sticks and stones.

Ive seen couples recover from a lot worse.

Hoboo

Unfortunately emotional intelligence is something that is strongly affected during depression. And something that is clearly lacking judging by some of the responses. It's shocking.

KERSPLAT!

Only the OP knows the full context of them being "on a break". I know if I was on a break with someone, be it a few weeks or months, I'd be devastated if they were dating/on dating sites. A break implies a reunion. If you're done with the relationship and want to date someone else, do the decent thing and end it completely.

We all do and say stupid things, calling her a whore obviously isn't on. Some people have a higher tolerance as to what they'll accept in a row but the likes of whore, c**t, and a few words are usually off limits, and with good reason.

Move on and look after yourself. Nothing you can do is likely to bring this girl back to you no matter how sorry you are, she was likely past that point before your row, never mind after it.

You will get over it, it just takes time.

SusieBlue

Robocop Corcoran wrote: »

Its emotional cheating, its the same thing.

Their relationship was on a break. They weren’t together. They were not at that time in a relationship with each other.
She didn’t cheat on him, emotionally or physically.

And regardless, it’s no justification of using a word like that.
According to a quick google search, the dictionary describes it as meaning Prostitute, Sex Worker, Sl*t, amongst others.
That is a truly disgusting thing to call someone you claim to love and respect.

LegacyUser

Just to be clear I'm not trying to excuse myself for what I said. I'm sure quite a few people here have painted a picture of me as this horrible, cruel guy. That's not me. It's never been me. It was a deplorable thing to say, but I made a mistake based on the thoughts that were racing through my head when I was sent those pictures of the woman I love on a dating site just a mere 24 hours after being told by her she loved me as she kissed me. I have been playing that conversation over and over in my head since the moment it happened wishing it had never occured.

Last year she did the same to me. Not the nasty words, but wanted to take a break because she was going through a rough patch. Things stayed great between us during that time. We dated, told one another we loved eachother, slept together, stayed together. All that was missing was the title of boyfriend/girlfriend. But she asked me to be patient and I was. I didn't dream of going on a dating site back then because I was loyal to her even though we weren't technically an item.

I'm truly sorry for my actions but I don't want to give up on this girl yet. Things are really sh!try right now but despite everything I'd like to fix it, I just don't know how or if that's possible. I don't want to look back in 5 years and think what could have been.

Robocop Corcoran

SusieBlue wrote: »

Their relationship was on a break. They weren’t together. They were not at that time in a relationship with each other.
She didn’t cheat on him, emotionally or physically.

And regardless, it’s no justification of using a word like that.
According to a quick google search, the dictionary describes it as meaning Prostitute, Sex Worker, Sl*t, amongst others.
That is a truly disgusting thing to call someone you claim to love and respect.

And what about the respect the op should of been shown by someone who claims to love him?

They where on a break, that could mean anything but it implies that they will reunite at some stage.

Shes straight onto a dating website, that tells me all i need to know about her.

Ursus Horribilis

So she’s a whore, eh?

Robocop Corcoran

Ursus Horribilis wrote: »

So she’s a whore, eh?

I would of called her a whore aswell if i was the op, that doesnt mean i actually think she is a whore.

People can say horrible things when they are hurt, add in the ops fragile state of mind.

She may not be a whore but shes obviously pretty desperate for attention.

Hoboo

I think there are two sides in this argument. Those who understand depression, and those who don't. Those who don't are more strung up on the use of a word than giving impartial and helpful advice to someone who is extremely fragile. It's actually very dangerous.

albeit i agree that the OP and his ex would need to tell us their understanding of things, being on a break is essentially breaking up with the notion of getting back together at some stage

if you think being on a break means you retain full relationship rights youve a strange idea of it.

that said, its a fairly strange concept anyway. break up or dont.

but regardless, she didn't cheat and even if emotional cheating meant anything in context it wouldnt apply. they werent in a relationship at the time.

Ursus Horribilis

Robocop Corcoran wrote: »

Id of called her a whore aswell if i was the op, that doesnt mean i actually think she is a whore.

What does "id of" mean? It's not a phrase I'm familiar with.

SusieBlue

Hoboo wrote: »

I think there are two sides in this argument. Those who understand depression, and those who don't. Those who don't are more strung up on the use of a word than giving impartial and helpful advice to someone who is extremely fragile. It's actually very dangerous.

My ex partner of many years had depression and as someone who tried to love and support someone through their illness, it’s very clear here that OPs girlfriend has been suffering as much as he has, but in a different way.

His condition is a mitigating factor but not a excuse to treat his girlfriend in such a horrible way.

To be honest it sounds like she’s as confused and hurt as he is, for her own reasons.
Which are just as legitimate and relevant as OPs are.

Robocop Corcoran

Ursus Horribilis wrote: »

What does "id of" mean? It's not a phrase I'm familiar with.

The op knows what i mean thats all that counts.

Hoboo

Hoboo wrote: »

I think there are two sides in this argument. Those who understand depression, and those who don't. Those who don't are more strung up on the use of a word than giving impartial and helpful advice to someone who is extremely fragile. It's actually very dangerous.

strongly disagree

good relationship advice is dont call her a whore

good mental health advice is do what you need to do to take ownership of your own mental health. its not your partner's responsibility to either do so or to bear the brunt of his condition and its unhealthy to outsource that function, both for the individuals involved and for a relationship

plenty of people understand depression some will agree on various things some wont. its fallacious and insulting for you to claim ownership of any universal truths around it.

Ursus Horribilis

That's why I said earlier that I'd love to hear the girlfriend's side of the story. What she was put through by being with a guy with depression and suicidal thoughts. Where was her head at by the time they reached this break?

Robocop Corcoran

qwerty13 wrote: »

Of course she should be trying to support him.

By going on a dating website and embarrassing an unwell man that she loves.

Hoboo

SusieBlue wrote: »

Hoboo wrote: »

I think there are two sides in this argument. Those who understand depression, and those who don't. Those who don't are more strung up on the use of a word than giving impartial and helpful advice to someone who is extremely fragile. It's actually very dangerous.

My ex partner of many years had depression and as someone who tried to love and support someone through their illness, it’s very clear here that OPs girlfriend has been suffering as much as he has, but in a different way.

His condition is a mitigating factor but not a excuse to treat his girlfriend in such a horrible way.

To be honest it sounds like she’s as confused and hurt as he is, for her own reasons.
Which are just as legitimate and relevant as OPs are.

He knows this. He knows what he did was wrong. Telling him so won't help his suicidal thoughts in any way. Mitigating factor? It's the only factor. He said something in the heat of the moment due to a breakdown in his ability to control his emotion, awareness of others, and abilty to manage interpersonal relationships. That is emotional intelligence, it's one of the major outcomes from depression. It's not a choice.

You can harp on about him using foul language, which we all.including the OP agree was wrong, but try to have some empathy towards him, if you truly understand depression.

Hoboo

[Deleted User] wrote: »

strongly disagree

good relationship advice is dont call her a whore

good mental health advice is do what you need to do to take ownership of your own mental health. its not your partner's responsibility to either do so or to bear the brunt of his condition and its unhealthy to outsource that function, both for the individuals involved and for a relationship

plenty of people understand depression some will agree on various things some wont. its fallacious and insulting for you to claim ownership of any universal truths around it.

OP recognises he shouldn't have called her a whore so telling him not to is hardly good relationship advice. That's lazy advice.

Good mental health advice is to confide in your partner, friend, or family member, and ask for their help to support you in seeking professional guidance and treatment. Taking ownership is one part, and one which most do naturally. The OP displayed this by going on a break. He removed her from the situation.

If my partner ever came to me with a mental health concern I would take full responsibility to help her get every support and treatment she needs.

I never claimed to be.the holy grail.of depession, but it's very easy to spot those who think they understand it, and those that actually do. You're 'advice' places you firmly in the dear Deirdre category. Dangerous and unhelpful.

Larbre34

Taking a break from the whole relationship to let OP get a handle on himself was fatal. Thats not how lasting loving relationships are built, you deal with the s**t together, the same way as the joy. Use of the phrase 'to pick up where we left off' shows some serious naivety also about the nature of things.

She shouldn't have gone on a dating site, you shouldn't have called her a whore for it, but really neither is that relevant, far more fundamental things ended your would-be relationship.

As someone who has had periods like the OP describes in my life, its not every sort of person is able to be that persons partner. Those that can't easily deal with it don't deserve to be put through it, if you see what i mean. She will not come back to you, so give both of you a break and stop your efforts to contact her. That energy should be focussed on the improvement of your health.

woodchuck

Mod note:

There has been a lot of off-topic discussion recently between posters. Please only post if you have constructive advice directed at the OP.

FYI I've approved a new post by the OP (#36) acknowledging that he made a mistake and looking for advice about how to fix it, if it’s possible. So let’s focus on that and have less nit picking of other posts.

Yellow pack crisps

depression is awful for you, it’s also awful for the other person in a relationship. I have sympathy for both of you. Sometimes and I’m not saying this is the case here, but sometimes people go on those dating websites as a form of valadation that they are not getting from the other person. Depression tends to consume the sufferer fully and the other person is sometimes left devoid of any intimacy and it affects them hugely also. You would want to look at it from her point of view OP as well. As for whore? Everyone has different levels to how they view name calling. Some it’s a big deal, some won’t care ultimately. You did something wrong here, not her, call it a break or whatever you want but the fact is you weren’t her Bf and she wasn’t your gf so you and her had free will to do what you both wanted. If it was me I’d apologise and tell her you understand it her own business what she does, but if she would like to meet for a coffee and discuss things then you would welcome that. Best of luck with the depression, hope you’re getting help from professionals for it.

SusieBlue

Yellow pack crisps wrote: »

depression is awful for you, it’s also awful for the other person in a relationship. I have sympathy for both of you. Sometimes and I’m not saying this is the case here, but sometimes people go on those dating websites as a form of valadation that they are not getting from the other person. Depression tends to consume the sufferer fully and the other person is sometimes left devoid of any intimacy and it affects them hugely also. You would want to look at it from her point of view OP as well. As for whore? Everyone has different levels to how they view name calling. Some it’s a big deal, some won’t care ultimately. You did something wrong here, not her, call it a break or whatever you want but the fact is you weren’t her Bf and she wasn’t your gf so you and her had free will to do what you both wanted. If it was me I’d apologise and tell her you understand it her own business what she does, but if she would like to meet for a coffee and discuss things then you would welcome that. Best of luck with the depression, hope you’re getting help from professionals for it.

If I could thank this twice, I would. I second everything above.

.......

Guest98914042 wrote: »

Just to be clear I'm not trying to excuse myself for what I said. I'm sure quite a few people here have painted a picture of me as this horrible, cruel guy. That's not me. It's never been me. It was a deplorable thing to say, but I made a mistake based on the thoughts that were racing through my head when I was sent those pictures of the woman I love on a dating site just a mere 24 hours after being told by her she loved me as she kissed me. I have been playing that conversation over and over in my head since the moment it happened wishing it had never occured.

I dont think you are a horrible cruel guy, but your reaction in anger was simply unacceptable. This has absolutely nothing to do with depression or mental health issues.

Unless you are capable of expressing anger constructively you will hurt YOURSELF again and again in life. This is simply a part of growing up, behaving like an adult. Forget depression or how the other person behaved.

How you behave in anger is on you totally. It is your responsibility. How we deal with anger is usually learned behaviour. It is possible to relearn how we express it and be more constructive about it. You may never be able to change how you feel on the inside when you are angry - but you can certainly change how you express it on the outside.

This is not a criticism of you personally btw, but simply advice for you - you really need learn how to deal with anger constructively if you want to help yourself. Otherwise it will affect every relationship you ever have, it will affect your working life, it will affect your life in ways you are not even aware of.

Guest98914042 wrote: »

Last year she did the same to me. Not the nasty words, but wanted to take a break because she was going through a rough patch. Things stayed great between us during that time. We dated, told one another we loved eachother, slept together, stayed together. All that was missing was the title of boyfriend/girlfriend. But she asked me to be patient and I was. I didn't dream of going on a dating site back then because I was loyal to her even though we weren't technically an item.

If you were doing all of the bolded then you were not on a break, despite what you or she might want to think. What exactly was the point of being on this supposed break if you were dating, telling each other you loved each other, sleeping together and staying together?

It sounds like you may have thought this recent break was not a proper break but maybe she did? I dont know. The on a break parameters seem confused in this relationship.

As another poster said, you dont break up to handle rough times, you work through them together.

Guest98914042 wrote: »

I'm truly sorry for my actions but I don't want to give up on this girl yet. Things are really sh!try right now but despite everything I'd like to fix it, I just don't know how or if that's possible. I don't want to look back in 5 years and think what could have been.

How its possible is as suggested. Call her, apologise, ask to meet for a coffee and see what happens.

But I think it is quite likely that there is no comeback from how you behaved.

What confuses me now is why you would want to get back at all? You were angry enough to call her a cheat and a whore when you found out she was on a dating site. Does that not matter to you anymore?

I think you are suffering from unhealthy thinking on this tbh. What could have been, it was. And the reality of it was that she went on a dating site and you behaved badly in anger. There is no "could have been" where all that didnt happen. So even if you got back together - that would always be there.

I dont think it would be healthy for you to get back with someone who you think cheated on you (I wouldnt advise her to get back with you either).

I think you would both be better served by moving on.

As for the poster who seems to think that no one else understands depression - utter nonsense. The truth is that suffering with mental health issues isnt a free pass to behaving any way you like. You are still responsible for your behaviour. It is not dangerous to acknowledge this - it is actually sensible. People who suffer with their mental health have to interact in the world the same as anyone else.

milli milli

OP you are in a very vulnerable state of mind and personally I don’t know if this forum is the healthiest place for you right now.
As someone with a history of depression, I know how ‘little things’* like this can push you over the edge, so I really hope you are getting good help right now and not taking some of the criticism to heart.

As was said by a couple of posters, different people put different weights on certain words, so it is very subjective. As a woman I personally don’t find the ‘whore’ word that bad, but the ‘cu**’ I find despicable, but then again, I know of people who use the C word all the time.

The way I see the situation, your girlfriend said she would wait for you on this break and a day later you saw her on a dating site, so her words didn’t match her actions and I understand how you felt betrayed.
But the situation sounds a bit messy with further posts talking about other breakups.
So maybe the mental health situation was taking its toll on her too.

At the moment focus on sorting out your head and learning coping mechanisms. Check out charities like Aware where there are support groups. If you can, leave the girlfriend situation at the moment. It’s too messy to be trying to salvage it right now.

* Edited to add - what I meant by ‘little things’ was posting on this forum, NOT your current situation

Magicmatilda

....... wrote: »

I dont think you are a horrible cruel guy, but your reaction in anger was simply unacceptable. This has absolutely nothing to do with depression or mental health issues.

Unless you are capable of expressing anger constructively you will hurt YOURSELF again and again in life. This is simply a part of growing up, behaving like an adult. Forget depression or how the other person behaved.

How you behave in anger is on you totally. It is your responsibility. How we deal with anger is usually learned behaviour. It is possible to relearn how we express it and be more constructive about it. You may never be able to change how you feel on the inside when you are angry - but you can certainly change how you express it on the outside.

This is not a criticism of you personally btw, but simply advice for you - you really need learn how to deal with anger constructively if you want to help yourself. Otherwise it will affect every relationship you ever have, it will affect your working life, it will affect your life in ways you are not even aware of.



If you were doing all of the bolded then you were not on a break, despite what you or she might want to think. What exactly was the point of being on this supposed break if you were dating, telling each other you loved each other, sleeping together and staying together?

It sounds like you may have thought this recent break was not a proper break but maybe she did? I dont know. The on a break parameters seem confused in this relationship.

As another poster said, you dont break up to handle rough times, you work through them together.



How its possible is as suggested. Call her, apologise, ask to meet for a coffee and see what happens.

But I think it is quite likely that there is no comeback from how you behaved.

What confuses me now is why you would want to get back at all? You were angry enough to call her a cheat and a whore when you found out she was on a dating site. Does that not matter to you anymore?

I think you are suffering from unhealthy thinking on this tbh. What could have been, it was. And the reality of it was that she went on a dating site and you behaved badly in anger. There is no "could have been" where all that didnt happen. So even if you got back together - that would always be there.

I dont think it would be healthy for you to get back with someone who you think cheated on you (I wouldnt advise her to get back with you either).

I think you would both be better served by moving on.

As for the poster who seems to think that no one else understands depression - utter nonsense. The truth is that suffering with mental health issues isnt a free pass to behaving any way you like. You are still responsible for your behaviour. It is not dangerous to acknowledge this - it is actually sensible. People who suffer with their mental health have to interact in the world the same as anyone else.

Excellent post. This 100 times.