My depression cost me my relationship

LegacyUser

Hi all. I'm going unregged for this. Recently my girlfriend and I agreed to take a break while I looked after my mental health issues. She has told me she loved me and would wait for me to be better in order for us to pick up where we left off. We had been arguing before Christmas but since then we had patched things up fairly well and she was full of love for me. A mate text me on Saturday night to tell me he had spotted her on a dating site and showed me the pics. I immediately confronted her about it and said some pretty nasty things. I called her a 'whore' and 'cheat'. I was hurt seen as though the night before she had kissed me and told me everything would be alright. I couldn't believe she could do this especially when only weeks before I was suicidal and going through one of the roughest parts of my life. She told me it was a mistake and blamed me for ending the relationship previously. I explained why I ended it and asked how she would feel if this was the other way round. She wouldn't answer. She knew I wanted her and loved her and wanted to be back with her. And she told me the same. Since then she won't speak to me or return my texts or calls. I love this girl. And I thought she loved me. I don't know what to do. Is this the end?

Caranica

You called her a whore. There's no going back from that. Take the time to sort yourself out and move on when you're well.

Pelvis

You don't call people you love a whore.

LegacyUser

I know. It was the worst thing I've ever said to her or anyone. The anger and shock of what happened got the best of me. I wish I had never said it but I couldn't believe what had happened. It's still no excuse

splinter65

Cheat is not too bad but “whore” is a deal breaker I’m afraid. I’ll give you the benefit of the doubt that it’s a result of your mental health issues but I’d say you’ve burned your boats with this girl, at least for the moment while your trying to get well. Please go and work on your health to stop yourself from becoming isolated through this behavior.

Big Bag of Chips

To be honest, the one thing that stood out for me was that you said you were suicidal a few weeks previously. You need to realise that is not her responsibility. And you cannot hold her ransom to your mental health. My husband suffers with his mental health and it is very very tough being the partner of someone with mental health issues. It's a lonely thankless place.

Please don't think I am comparing being the partner of someone with depression with actually being the sufferer. I'm not. The two aren't comparable. But they are both equally difficult in very different ways.

You need to concentrate on getting your mental health sorted. That should be your priority now. Once that is under control other parts of your life will improve. You seem more concerned with winning her back. For what reason? To have her as your support when things are tough? I think you need to accept that she is not in a position to be that support. She's not qualified to help you. And may inadvertently do it say things that make you feel worse. Which is exactly what happened.

Please read this thread and maybe get in contact with some of the organisations on it. You may already have been recommended some of these organisations by your GP.

LegacyUser

You. Were. On. A. Break.
How long would it take you to sort out your mental health issues. & how long has she had to deal with those same issues thusfar?
Days? Weeks? Months? Years?
There's only so much in anyone, as well you know yourself. But if you push someone away& isolate them, you can't be surprised if they look for validation elsewhere. She might not have been persuing anything or anyone, just feelimg low& wanting a few swipes right& the ego boost to know she was attractive& desirable to someone.
She might forgive you, but she will never EVER forget you calling her a whore.

Church on Tuesday

First off, regarding calling your GF a whore; we all make mistakes in this life and sometimes emotion gets the better of us. You shouldn't have said it and I think you genuinely regret that but it's not exactly a cardinal sin.

A previous poster has stated that if you love someone you don't call them a whore. However, you also don't go behind someones back and join a dating site when that person expressively stated they would wait for you.

That certainly is not love. Actions will always speak louder than words.

The absolute most important thing right now is to look after your own mental health, talk to your GP. I don't know how old you or your GF are but I am guessing fairly young. She may not be mature enough to handle a situation like this sadly and may not want to be weighed down, when people are young they tend to think like this. It entirely depends though.


Give yourself a break and attend to your own issues first, cease any further contact with her, if she cares at all she will reach out in time if she doesn't you are better off without her.


Look after yourself OP.

Ursus Horribilis

Maybe being the girlfriend of someone with significant mental health issues took its toll on her? That was one of the first thoughts that crossed my mind. I have a friend who confided in me that she'd attempted suicide and it rattled me to the core. I can understand why she came to that point (she has life-limiting health problems) but it changed utterly how I viewed her. We're still friends but not as close. Condemn me if you want but I'm being honest here.

As BBOC has already said, being the partner of someone who suffers from depression is very very tough. It's not for everyone and maybe you leaned too hard on her?

Calling her a Whore put a nail in the coffin but I get the impression that things were starting to come apart at the seams anyway.

eviltwin

Your depression didn't cost you your girlfriend, your treatment of her did. Depression will mess up your head but its not an excuse for calling her a whore.

She shouldn't have gone behind your back and set up a dating profile if you were still together.

I think you're both better off away from each other. Spend this time working on your mental health and leave relationships until you are in a better head space.

Heat_Wave

I really don't think calling her a whore is a massive deal, nor do I believe it to be a deal breaker. We've all passed hurtful comments to our loved ones in anger, obviously we do not always mean them.

I am a very black and white person in how I think. If you guys were on a break (initiated by you), then what is the problem with her being on a dating site? You guys weren't together at the time.

I hope you're feeling better OP, and I'm so sorry to hear that you experienced such awful thoughts recently. I'm glad you posted here as I myself posted here recently and it was an eye opener to read other people's perspectives. Hopefully you'll experience the same. Life is one big learning curve - we all make mistakes.

zapper55

To quote Ross they were on a break.

This thread reminds me of a conversation I had with a friend recently whose boyfriend has depression. There are long periods of time when he has no sex drive, and it makes her feel very unattractive, even though logically she knows it's the depression talking.

Maybe the OPs ex went on a website to feel good about herself after what sounds like a stressful relationship.

OP I do think you need to concentrate on your mental health. A relationship will just hurt you and another person at the moment.

Also calling someone a whore is a pretty dark place to go. I personally couldn't come back from that. I'd be questioning their attitude to sex and to women.

Hoboo

Called her a whore. Big deal, we all say things in arguments we regret. It's not right but I think everyone's getting caught up on one word!!

She said she'd wait for him to sort himself out, not hop on a dating site in the meantime.

Sounds like you're better off without the hassle OP, yes it's tough living with someone with mental health issues but life isn't all roses and cake, sometimes it's really tough, and having someone who wants to be there for the tough times and not just the good times is what love is all about. She doesn't want to support you now, and that won't change in the future, depression isn't something that just goes away, it's for life, so youre better off confiding in a friend or family, get some counselling and the tools you need to control your thoughts and feelings. Once you talk to a professional and gain control you'll feel a whole lot better, and then go find someone who truly cares.

The first session is a big step, you'll feel like it can't make a difference, but trust me it does. Best of luck.

SusieBlue

Hoboo wrote: »

Called her a whore. Big deal, we all say things in arguments we regret. It's not right but I think everyone's getting caught up on one word!!

She said she'd wait for him to sort himself out, not hop on a dating site in the meantime.

Sounds like you're better off without the hassle OP, yes it's tough living with someone with mental health issues but life isn't all roses and cake, sometimes it's really tough, and having someone who wants to be there for the tough times and not just the good times is what love is all about. She doesn't want to support you now, and that won't change in the future, depression isn't something that just goes away, it's for life, so youre better off confiding in a friend or family, get some counselling and the tools you need to control your thoughts and feelings. Once you talk to a professional and gain control you'll feel a whole lot better, and then go find someone who truly cares.

The first session is a big step, you'll feel like it can't make a difference, but trust me it does. Best of luck.

Its a really nasty, vicious word to use when speaking about someone you are supposed to love and care about.
Its up there as probably the worst, most horrible, vile word you can call a woman.

I'd forgive a partner for losing his temper and calling me a myriad of other names in the heat of the moment, but not that one. It implies a lack of respect that you can't come back from.

LegacyUser

It was the worst thing I've ever said to anyone. My only justification is I thought she was cheating. I know people are saying we were on a break but it didnt feel like a proper break. Especially when she was telling me we could pick back up whenever I was feeling better and she was still telling me she loved me. I wish I had never called her it. I don't want to lose this girl. But at the same time I feel like I deserve to lose her based on what I said.

Hoboo

SusieBlue wrote: »

Its a really nasty, vicious word to use when speaking about someone you are supposed to love and care about.
Its up there as probably the worst, most horrible, vile word you can call a woman.

I'd forgive a partner for losing his temper and calling me a myriad of other names in the heat of the moment, but not that one. It implies a lack of respect that you can't come back from.

Still getting caught up with one word when there are far more important matters.
We all agree it's a nasty word. Depression causes people to do uncharacteristic things unfortunately. I think the OP has recognised what be did was wrong. Lambasting him for it is neither constructive or helpful.

Church on Tuesday

SusieBlue wrote: »

Its a really nasty, vicious word to use when speaking about someone you are supposed to love and care about.
Its up there as probably the worst, most horrible, vile word you can call a woman.

I'd forgive a partner for losing his temper and calling me a myriad of other names in the heat of the moment, but not that one. It implies a lack of respect that you can't come back from.

It's interesting how the OP's GF going on POF behind his back after stating she would wait for him to address his issues and that she loved him, in her words, is being more or less overlooked here.

That is emotional cheating. It's also a lack of respect.

Ursus Horribilis

It wasn't a nicest thing to do, seeing as she been telling you she loved you etc. but it does not mean she's a whore. Maybe it's because I'm a woman but the C word and Whore are one that get under my skin much more deeply than other swear words. I don't think I'd ever forgive anyone who called me either of those.

.......

Church on Tuesday wrote: »

It's interesting how the OP's GF going on POF behind his back after stating she would wait for him to address his issues and that she loved him, in her words, is being more or less overlooked here.

That is emotional cheating. It's also a lack of respect.

Why shouldnt she date other people while she is "waiting" for him? He ended the relationship with her. She said she would wait for him to be well to pick up where they left off. So why can she not have some dates in that period in between while she is not seeing OP? Is she supposed to stay indoors and not live her life while she is waiting? I take waiting for someone to be well to mean that you are free until the two of you decide the relationship is back on again.

It was the OP who chose to end the relationship and it was the OP who called someone he claims to love terrible names and it is the OP who thinks that she needs to take his mental health into consideration in how she behaves.

In her shoes she was on a break and decided to have some dates and then called called a whore and a cheat for it. Completely over the top reaction and way out of order.

If you are on a break you are entitled to live your life.

Expressing anger with abusive names is never constructive.

Lesson learned OP, time to move on and learn to manage your anger so that in the future you dont say things you cant come back from.

Church on Tuesday

....... wrote: »

Why shouldnt she date other people while she is "waiting" for him? He ended the relationship with her. She said she would wait for him to be well to pick up where they left off. So why can she not have some dates in that period in between while she is not seeing OP? Is she supposed to stay indoors and not live her life while she is waiting? I take waiting for someone to be well to mean that you are free until the two of you decide the relationship is back on again.

It was the OP who chose to end the relationship and it was the OP who called someone he claims to love terrible names and it is the OP who thinks that she needs to take his mental health into consideration in how she behaves.

In her shoes she was on a break and decided to have some dates and then called called a whore and a cheat for it. Completely over the top reaction and way out of order.

If you are on a break you are entitled to live your life.

Expressing anger with abusive names is never constructive.

Lesson learned OP, time to move on and learn to manage your anger so that in the future you dont say things you cant come back from.

He didn't actually end the relationship, nor did she. They merely decided to take a 'break'.

A break could be a month it could be a fortnight, we don't know only the OP does.

And just because you decide to take a break, doesn't necessarily mean you're going to hop onto a dating site to seek validation just because you are feeling insecure about yourself.

I could be wrong here but I'm guessing there was some proviso between both parties as to what their 'break' was going to entail. It's horses for courses at the end of the day, but only the OP knows.

It's all rather irrelevant in any event, there is a big chance the OP's GF is more than likely not bothered about him because if she was completely devoted to him, she'd wait for him. The most pressing and important thing for the OP is to address his issues.

And to the OP; a relatively nasty word said under the suffering of depression is not something you should feel guilty about. As stated earlier, depression can change people much the same as any illness can, there's good days and bad days.

Seek the treatment you need, you have recognized the need to do so that's a great start and work from there.

Best of luck OP.

eviltwin

Guest98914042 wrote: »

It was the worst thing I've ever said to anyone. My only justification is I thought she was cheating. I know people are saying we were on a break but it didnt feel like a proper break. Especially when she was telling me we could pick back up whenever I was feeling better and she was still telling me she loved me. I wish I had never called her it. I don't want to lose this girl. But at the same time I feel like I deserve to lose her based on what I said.

Still making excuses....

It doesn't matter what you thought, there is no justification for calling her that. It was probably the final straw for her.

Depression can make you paranoid and skew your logic, it can make you irritable. Are you the type of person to lash out verbally everytime someone you love does something wrong or everytime you think they've done something wrong?

I don't think she's coming back and tbh I think that's actually a good thing for you at the moment. Your focus needs to be on sorting out your mental health and that will be easier to do single.

LegacyUser

eviltwin wrote: »

Still making excuses....

It doesn't matter what you thought, there is no justification for calling her that. It was probably the final straw for her.

Depression can make you paranoid and skew your logic, it can make you irritable. Are you the type of person to lash out verbally everytime someone you love does something wrong or everytime you think they've done something wrong?

I don't think she's coming back and tbh I think that's actually a good thing for you at the moment. Your focus needs to be on sorting out your mental health and that will be easier to do single.

It is no excuse. I'm ashamed of what I said and wish I could turn back the clock. Have you ever said something in anger you wish you could back but you can't? I don't know what led her to do what she did when she was telling me such nice things only the night before and making promises to me. But I said what I said out of anger and heartbreak and now I must deal with the consequences of my actions. I have lost her. I don't see her coming back and this ending as some fairytale ending I always envisioned between us. And for that I don't think I can ever forgive myself.

BBFAN

OP, as someone who has suffered very very badly from depression I know how selfish an illness it can be. You think the world centres around you so I have learnt over the years not to say what I'm thinking because I know it comes from a stupid idiotic selfish place.

Over the years you will learn this. Okay, it's too late now. Don't try to justify what you called this girl, just accept that it was an accusation made in the height of your illness and learn from it for the next time that you're going through this.

I genuinely wish you the very best of luck but you can't come back from this so move on and learn from it.

Ursus Horribilis

This is one of those Personal Issues where I'd love to read the ex's point of view. Break-ups can be messy, confusing affairs. Having been in an off-off relationship with someone with mental health problems, the girl's head may have been all over the place by the time she went on the dating website. For all we know, she'd decided the relationship was over when you were on the break and was afraid to say it out loud in case you became suicidal again.

Hoboo

And people wonder why or how there is stigma attached to depression and why people don't talk or seek help. Some of the opinions , complete lack of empathy or even basic comprehension of depression on this thread stink. And I'm not talking about feeling down now and again. It's like reading 3 pages from Dear Deirdre.

Robocop Corcoran

You shouldn't of needed to take a break at all, should she not be looking to support you in this tough period of your life? That's generally what partners do...

Dont beat yourself up, you called her a whore, big deal. Shes on dating websites while you are crippled with depression. Is this girl supposed to love you?

Id be ending things and concentrating on getting well if i were you. Best of luck.

OP I think you seem to have a fair handle on how things happened here.

Your depression was a factor in the relationship ending, but despite the thread title it is your behaviour that caused the damage. You seem to accept that and I hope you can move on in a healthy way for your own mental health and the management of it and your relationships in future. Best of luck.

I don't know that I'd take relationship advice from the posters declaring it's ok/valid/justified to call your SO a whore, tbh. Well, i do know, but I hope you are able to see that type of posting for what it is- no good to you and no good for you.

qwerty13

Robocop Corcoran wrote: »

You shouldn't of needed to take a break at all, should she not be looking to support you in this tough period of your life? That's generally what partners do...

Dont beat yourself up, you called her a whore, big deal. Shes on dating websites while you are crippled with depression. Is this girl supposed to love you?

Id be ending things and concentrating on getting well if i where you. Best of luck.

Of course she should be trying to support him. That does not mean that he gets a free pass to be abusive though.

We don’t know why she went on dating sites. But what we do know is that she was called a whore. There is no come back from that. It’s an utterly reprehensible thing to say.

Robocop Corcoran

qwerty13 wrote: »

Of course she should be trying to support him. That does not mean that he gets a free pass to be abusive though.

We don’t know why she went on dating sites. But what we do know is that she was called a whore. There is no come back from that. It’s an utterly reprehensible thing to say.

What do you mean we dont know why she went on a dating site? Cop onto yourself. Would you be ok with your partner going on a dating website.

Calling her a whore is mild imo, it was a betrayal on a guy thats going through an extremely bad time.

She's heartless, didnt give a fook who seen her on the website, Ops friends, family etc.

Didnt care about the embarrassment that might cause him.

SusieBlue

Robocop Corcoran wrote: »

What do you mean we dont know why she went on a dating site? Cop onto yourself. Would you be ok with your partner going on a dating website.

Calling her a whore is mild imo, it was a betrayal on a guy thats going through an extremely bad time.

She's heartless.

They were on a break, she didn’t cheat on anyone,

Robocop Corcoran

SusieBlue wrote: »

They were on a break, she didn’t cheat on anyone,

Its emotional cheating, its the same thing.