Difficult situation with boyfriend

Ursus Horribilis

Nobody knows what age the child is. He/she could be in their late teens or early twenties.

Obvious Desperate Breakfasts

Big Bag of Chips wrote: »

What sort of "future plans" do you want to make that he is uncomfortable with? The mother of his child is dying. I wouldn't consider that he is spending time with his ex, more so that he is being there for his child in what must be a devastating time. Like it or not, when you are with someone who is a parent there will often be times where you are not the priority. There will be times where plans with you get cancelled because the parent is needed elsewhere. That will be life.

Has he full custody of his child? Will he have once the mother passes away? These are all things that are in his mind at the moment, along with the fact that his child, for the rest of their life won't have their mother.

If you think you can not be in a relationship with a parent I would advise you to walk away now. It is not easy, and it is definitely not easy if you resent not having your partners full time and attention.

In fairness, that’s not what she said. She said she’d like to be his priority even some of the time.

I think some of the responses have been way too harsh on the OP. We all have taboo thoughts from time to time.

What age is his child, OP?

LegacyUser

Once again, thank you for taking the time to reply!

So to answer some of your questions, his child is school going age, and my partner is primary carer. There's no issue with time my partner spends with his child. I have met the child and I am very open to becoming part of the childs life.

I'm certainly taking on that yes i have been out of line, however just to clarify, it's not that I want to be his main priority, just that I'm struggling with never being the priority. I think this is something i must accept or move on. This is a man I love very much and I'm not keen to walk away, but it may be the best for both of us.

Oh, and I think someone asked if I had suggested breaking up as a way to get his attention, it's not something I have suggested to him.

December2012

I can understand that you want to be a priority, but I think you can see that the reason why you're in the situation that you are both in, is because of circumstances completely beyond the control of both of you. That is not to say that, some time in the future when the dust has settled you won't be a priority. Its just really bad luck all around and bad timing.

I am a parent, and unfortunately I know that my children are my main priority. Even more so than my husband, their father, whom I love dearly. They are still small, and I know that they are his main priority, over me. Thats part of us being parents.

Before we had children we certainly were the main thing in each others lives, but that went out the window as soon as our first arrived.

Maybe a way for you to process all of this is to remind yourself why you are staying in this relationship, and that is because a man you love and a child you are willing to parent are going through hell right now. Losing a parent as an adult was awful for me, I can't even comprehend the difficulty it is presenting for a child, who may not have the best relationship with that parent (my apologies if that is incorrect - I am taking that because your partner is the Childs primary carer). The grieving person has to be allowed to put themselves first, if that makes sense?

When somebody is grieving this guide can be helpful
https://www.dailyshoring.com/circle-of-grief-ring-theory/. Now the only thing to watch with this circle application is that you cannot talk down about your partner or situation to somebody who is going to use it against you or them, so choose your audience carefully.

The fact that you are here asking for opinions shows that you are thinking realistically and that you want to do right by yourself and your partner. Thats a good thing. you know that the next while will be stressful and could cause a disruption in your lives, and you are fully accepting that its going to cause a disruption in your partners life.

But it doesn't mean the end, and in the future, your relationship may be a priority. I am sure that when the dust settles your partner and his child will be looking for love and comfort and happy times.

Ursus Horribilis

strugglingdifficultsituation4 wrote: »

I'm certainly taking on that yes i have been out of line, however just to clarify, it's not that I want to be his main priority, just that I'm struggling with never being the priority. I think this is something i must accept or move on. This is a man I love very much and I'm not keen to walk away, but it may be the best for both of us.

Is "never being the priority" an issue that predates his ex's illness? If it is, or you feel that you're going to come a distant second to his child, you're not a bad person if you decide to walk. A primary school age child who's going through this is going to need a lot of help and support. Not just now but into the future. Being in a relationship with a single parent isn't for everyone. Maybe it isn't the relationship for you but you're the one who'll be the judge of that.

LegacyUser

strugglingdifficultsituation4 wrote: »

I'm certainly taking on that yes i have been out of line, however just to clarify, it's not that I want to be his main priority, just that I'm struggling with never being the priority..

Well if you are having issue with not ever being a priority now OP you'll find it ever more so when she dies as the child will become his total focus for at least the next few years. If they are school age then they are old enough to know whats happening and will need support from their father and family. if you'd been together longer and had a relationship with the child I could see an argument for being more involved on your side but you are together less than a year. Yes you've meet the child but they are part of your life and the father needs to be careful moving forward as they don't want their child upset thinking he is trying to force a 'new' mummy on them. The child will be his priority and that is why he is not making any commitment to you at this time. You can either give him the space to deal with this and wait or walk away.

BBFAN

strugglingdifficultsituation4 wrote: »

Once again, thank you for taking the time to reply!

So to answer some of your questions, his child is school going age, and my partner is primary carer. There's no issue with time my partner spends with his child. I have met the child and I am very open to becoming part of the childs life.

I'm certainly taking on that yes i have been out of line, however just to clarify, it's not that I want to be his main priority, just that I'm struggling with never being the priority. I think this is something i must accept or move on. This is a man I love very much and I'm not keen to walk away, but it may be the best for both of us.

Oh, and I think someone asked if I had suggested breaking up as a way to get his attention, it's not something I have suggested to him.

But you seem to be looking at this from an either/or perspective?

You don't have to take a decision to split up with him or stay with him right now. As you're not a priority to him you can get on with living your own life and leave the relationship on hold.

If you can't get on with your own life then you need to look at your level of dependence.

In short, I suggest leaving him to it until it's all over and see what happens then.

BBFAN

Recliner wrote: »

My husbands ex is also the mother of his, albeit grown up children and they are on what I would consider to be good terms. But I know that in recent tragic situations for his family, she was respectful, but wasn't running to his side. I'd consider being by his side as my role. Just my opinion.
But as regards to OP, I'm unsure when you said his ex of many years if you meant they'd been together for years or they've been separated for years. Did they have a close relationship before her illness? I think your friends might be inclined to come down on your side anyway. Which or whether if he has decided to spend most of his time with her, it's obviously a situation that you're uncomfortable with. You need to figure out what you want to do, if you don't feel he has space for you right now, then you might be better off breaking up with him.

With respect, your situation is totally different.

For one, your husbands children are grown up and for another it sounds like the woman who is dying does not have another partner.

So yeah, totally different.

BBFAN

OP, I've just noticed also that you say your partner is the primary care giver to his child and yet you've only "met" the child. You need to be much more a part of the childs life if you intend on staying with this man.

neonsofa

BBFAN wrote: »

OP, I've just noticed also that you say your partner is the primary care giver to his child and yet you've only "met" the child. You need to be much more a part of the childs life if you intend on staying with this man.

Not necessarily. It's difficult to navigate whats best with children and new partners at the best of times, I'd imagine it is even more of a concern when emotions are already high at a time as difficult as this. Hardly appropriate during such a sensitive time to try and foster a relationship that could be perceived by the child as a replacement parent figure while the child is already trying to process losing their mother. Op doesn't "need" to be any particular way with the child right now. All of that can come with time when the relationship is stable and the father and child are comfortable with the op becoming more involved.

BBFAN

neonsofa wrote: »

Not necessarily. It's difficult to navigate whats best with children and new partners at the best of times, I'd imagine it is even more of a concern when emotions are already high at a time as difficult as this. Hardly appropriate during such a sensitive time to try and foster a relationship that could be perceived by the child as a replacement parent figure while the child is already trying to process losing their mother. Op doesn't "need" to be any particular way with the child right now. All of that can come with time when the relationship is stable and the father and child are comfortable with the op becoming more involved.

Yeah I agree but the OP and partner are together a year?

neonsofa

BBFAN wrote: »

Yeah I agree but the OP and partner are together a year?

Which is nothing really. First few months of dating you're only learning about the person and seeing if ye work together as a couple, never mind bringing the kids into it as well. Then it also depends on how soon into the year that the mother became sick.

BBFAN

neonsofa wrote: »

Which is nothing really. First few months of dating you're only learning about the person and seeing if ye work together as a couple, never mind bringing the kids into it as well. Then it also depends on how soon into the year that the mother became sick.

True enough.