Difficult situation with boyfriend

LegacyUser

I'm in a very difficult situation with my partner and I think I need the advice of strangers because i really am so unsure of what to do! I'm in a relationship with a man I love. His ex of many years and mother of his child is dying. She is his priority at the moment and i am finding it so hard. That sounds so selfish as I write it! We have very limited time together, the majority of his time his spent with his ex. I don't begrudge this time but sometimes i get very upset and down when I am never the priority. I know he can't make any promises about the future to me at the moment, we are in limbo.

I suppose I have two issues, firstly are we crazy to be in this relationship, should we break up so he can focus on his ex and i won't be hurting? Secondly if we do stay together how do I deal with not being his priority?

December2012

This is his childs mother. Have some empathy for them. If you love your partner then why are you making this incredibly difficult time even more difficult.

You need to get some perspective

zapper55

How long have you been with him?

I dont understand why it stops him making promises to you about the future, unless he still have feelings for her. Do you feel secure about your relationship?

Also does she not have family or a partner that wants to spend time with her? Sounds a bit odd that he spends all his time with her but more background would be useful.

LegacyUser

Thanks for the responses, I really appreciate, as I'm finding it impossible to be objective in my situation.

December I am really trying not to make it more difficult, however i think very few people would be happy in this situation. that's the main reason i think it may be simply the wrong time for this relationship, I don't want to put any unnecessary pressure on him, but i am human with my own feelings. Would you propose I park my feelings completely for the moment? On the one hand i think yes, but how!?

Zapper we have been together less than a year. He doesn't feel comfortable making any future plans while this situation is ongoing, and i do understand that.
Yes, she has a family that she spends time with, but my boyfriend will see her every day. I'm quite okay with that, but I am finding it difficult that we get so little time together at the moment.

Ursus Horribilis

What was your relationship like before his ex fell ill? Maybe I'm reading too much into this but I'm getting the impression that you had doubts about you and him before this kicked off. Did he leave his ex for you, by any chance?

Big Bag of Chips

What sort of "future plans" do you want to make that he is uncomfortable with? The mother of his child is dying. I wouldn't consider that he is spending time with his ex, more so that he is being there for his child in what must be a devastating time. Like it or not, when you are with someone who is a parent there will often be times where you are not the priority. There will be times where plans with you get cancelled because the parent is needed elsewhere. That will be life.

Has he full custody of his child? Will he have once the mother passes away? These are all things that are in his mind at the moment, along with the fact that his child, for the rest of their life won't have their mother.

If you think you can not be in a relationship with a parent I would advise you to walk away now. It is not easy, and it is definitely not easy if you resent not having your partners full time and attention.

Ursus Horribilis

Have you ever had someone close to you die after being in a bad way for several weeks? It happened in my family and there was a real sense of people putting their lives on hold until the person in question died. For the people closest to the dying person, it becomes their life for a while. Spending hours at the dying person's bedside, taking time off work, driving for hours etc. A family member agonised about whether they should go on the holiday they'd booked and finally decided to cancel it. That's the reality of a slowly dying loved one. This woman is his ex - someone he must've loved at some stage - and the mother of his child. A young person who is about to face into the hell of losing their mother. That's an awful lot for him to take onto his shoulders, especially if the son/daughter is still a young person.

judeboy101

Move on OP, if he still has this level of feelings for an ex, her death will not make them go away, plus you'll inherit a future stepchild with serious mommy issues.

KERSPLAT!

judeboy101 wrote: »

Move on OP, if he still has this level of feelings for an ex, her death will not make them go away, plus you'll inherit a future stepchild with serious mommy issues.

This level of feelings? Basic human decency.

December2012

You shouldn't be having these feelings. You should feel sad that she's dying, that the child will have no mother ever again.

Your concerns about your future are not a priority right now.

Show kindness, empathy and consideration

What is being asked of you? Are you just being asked for moral support and time?

If you can't do that, then don't be in the relationship

LaLa2004

Big Bag of Chips wrote: »

I wouldn't consider that he is spending time with his ex, more so that he is being there for his child in what must be a devastating time. Like it or not, when you are with someone who is a parent there will often be times where you are not the priority. There will be times where plans with you get cancelled because the parent is needed elsewhere. That will be life.

He is most definitely choosing to spend time with his ex. He is choosing to prioritise her at the moment. He could prioritise his child by taking them out & bonding with them elsewhere.

He is also giving that child a kind of false hope that his/her parents will reunite. This may make the eventual mother's death more difficult to deal with.

How the OP deals with this is her choice. She may experience resentment from her partner if he believes he is not supported. No winners here, I'm afraid.

iamwhoiam

I would be very glad to know that my partner has the humanity to support the mother of his child in this situation . I would rein in my needs and quite simply be there when he needs me . His childs mother is dying , he must be in turmoil for his child right now

Ursus Horribilis

LaLa2004 wrote: »

He is most definitely choosing to spend time with his ex. He is choosing to prioritise her at the moment. He could prioritise his child by taking them out & bonding with them elsewhere.

He is also giving that child a kind of false hope that his/her parents will reunite. This may make the eventual mother's death more difficult to deal with.

You've got to be joking. Do you seriously think that when a young person is facing into the death of his/her mother, that they'll want to go bond with their father? Rather than try to spend as much time as they can with their mother before she's gone for good?

As for the false hope and deathbed reunions, words fail me.

zoe 3619

Really this is a huge thing.
I have no romantic feelings towards the father of my kids and we've been separated for many years,but if he was dying I'd be at his bedside.

Big Bag of Chips

Unfortunately, I know quite a few young mothers who have died in my area in the last few years. Long, drawn out, slow deaths. The children rarely left their mothers' sides. In one instance a young daughter (aged 8) lay on her mother's chest up to the last breath, when she eventually had to be lifted off the woman.

A child might occasionally want to go out for a break away from the heaviness of the situation, but from experience the children tend to take on a lot of responsibility and think they need to 'mind' their parent. I can only imagine the responsibility a child of a single parent takes on.

OP, the fact of it is, if you can't handle it now then I say walk. He is a parent. You won't always be his priority. If you are not comfortable with that, then you need to be in a relationship with a man who has no children.

LegacyUser

Thank you all so much for your responses, you have given me so much perspective. I have always considered myself quite an empathic person but I may have lost it in all of this. when I talk to friends i tend to get the response that he should make me more of a priority, that's why I wanted to start this thread, people completely outside the situation can be utterly blunt and honest!

Rosepetals85

are you jealous of a dying woman, the mother of his child. That poor child is facing losing their mother and all your worried about is your partner spending time with his ex who is DYING. Seriously, cop onto yourself. If I was your partner you would have been dumped.

js35

Op To me your partner sounds like a very decent person for doing what he is at this horrible time but to me it sounds like you are having doubts about the relationship as a whole
If your head ruled your heart what would you want to do?
Do you feel ready to move from a couple together of less than a year out having fun into basically a ready made family unit?
I’m sorry if it sounds blunt but you need to do what’s right for you

wiggle16

He's doing the right thing by being present and available while the mother of his child is dying, both for his child's sake and out of decency.

At the moment, if his child is still young, he cannot make plans for the future until the woman passes away. If the child is still young he's going to be their primary caregiver, presumably, if he wasn't already. He has a lot going on in the present to deal with before he can even start thinking of the future.

I think your first inclination is correct: you should put your feelings aside and be supportive of him while he deals with this. In every relationship there will be times where one partner has to take a back seat to events in their partner's life and just be there for them. This is no different, and if you do otherwise you will just be making a difficult situation worse and he won't thank you for it. And as for how you put your feelings aside: accept that this limbo is temporary (which it is) and keep your own counsel until the woman has passed.

Big Bag of Chips makes an excellent point about being the partner of a parent, he will not be able to put you first all the time. You have to take the rough with the smooth and decide if you can handle that.

Good luck whatever you decide.

lulu1

Op I think it depends on a few things 1st how long they were together for and 2nd how long they have been seperated.

I may sound horrible but I really dont think he should be spending all his time with her Ok go visit a few times a week or even for a while every day

Has she no family that want to visit

I would encourage him to do as much as possible for the child

endacl

judeboy101 wrote: »

Move on OP, if he still has this level of feelings for an ex, her death will not make them go away, plus you'll inherit a future stepchild with serious mommy issues.

Jaysus.

Won’t type the rest, but rest assured I’m thinking it. I’m sure I’m not the only one...

Recliner

zoe 3619 wrote: »

Really this is a huge thing.
I have no romantic feelings towards the father of my kids and we've been separated for many years,but if he was dying I'd be at his bedside.

Don't want to drag this off topic, but would you really? I'd find it very odd if my husbands ex was at his bedside if he was dying.

Hercule Poirot

Recliner wrote: »

Don't want to drag this off topic, but would you really? I'd find it very odd if my husbands ex was at his bedside if he was dying.

She is the mother of his children though, not just an ex - not all divorces/break-ups end acrimoniously. Sometimes two people just realise it's not working but will always care about each other and run to each other's sides at the first sign of trouble

Roger Hassenforder

strugglingdifficultsituation wrote: »

I'm in a very difficult situation with my partner and I think I need the advice of strangers because i really am so unsure of what to do! I'm in a relationship with a man I love. His ex of many years and mother of his child is dying. She is his priority at the moment and i am finding it so hard. That sounds so selfish as I write it! We have very limited time together, the majority of his time his spent with his ex. I don't begrudge this time but sometimes i get very upset and down when I am never the priority. I know he can't make any promises about the future to me at the moment, we are in limbo.

I suppose I have two issues, firstly are we crazy to be in this relationship, should we break up so he can focus on his ex and i won't be hurting? Secondly if we do stay together how do I deal with not being his priority?

Will the kid be coming to live with the dad/ you following the death? Have you had this conversation? Is he hoping you'd be ok with it?
It would help ease her passing knowing her kid will be taken into a loving home. You could use it as some form of influence in your future together.
You might be about to become a 'mum'.
Are you ready? Do you want to? Does he know? Its a tough time for you all, but right now his kids needs should be his priority.

strugglingdifficultsituation wrote: »

She is his priority at the moment and i am finding it so hard... but sometimes i get very upset and down when I am never the priority.

Secondly if we do stay together how do I deal with not being his priority?

With kids, thus was it ever. You have to work harder at being a couple rather than just parents.

Recliner

Hercule Poirot wrote: »

She is the mother of his children though, not just an ex - not all divorces/break-ups end acrimoniously. Sometimes two people just realise it's not working but will always care about each other and run to each other's sides at the first sign of trouble

My husbands ex is also the mother of his, albeit grown up children and they are on what I would consider to be good terms. But I know that in recent tragic situations for his family, she was respectful, but wasn't running to his side. I'd consider being by his side as my role. Just my opinion.
But as regards to OP, I'm unsure when you said his ex of many years if you meant they'd been together for years or they've been separated for years. Did they have a close relationship before her illness? I think your friends might be inclined to come down on your side anyway. Which or whether if he has decided to spend most of his time with her, it's obviously a situation that you're uncomfortable with. You need to figure out what you want to do, if you don't feel he has space for you right now, then you might be better off breaking up with him.

Ursus Horribilis

There's a lot we don't know about this situation but I'm not sure breaking up while this is going on is a good idea. In fact, it could be an incredibly cruel thing to do. From what the OP has told us the relationship is on the back burner for now anyway. Maybe it'd be better to have a talk about it after the ex dies.

sbsquarepants

December2012 wrote: »

You shouldn't be having these feelings. You should feel sad that she's dying, that the child will have no mother ever again.

Who are you to tell her how she "should" feel? She feels how she feels, this woman is likely a stranger to her. Strangers die every day of the week. We don't fall apart at the seams because of it.

December2012 wrote: »

Your concerns about your future are not a priority right now.

Wrong, absolutely wrong.
Her concerns for her future are of course a priority - they are her priority, they are very unlikely to be her boyfriends at the moment, possibly they never really will be now either, but that doesn't change things for her.

Speaking as a father of both adult and young kids OP, if I was in your boyfriends situation, you wouldn't be top of my list of importance, the kids would. I don't know what his relationship with the mother is like? Maybe she's his priority or maybe he's just trying to give the kids some good memories to cling on to, I'm sure I'd do that. Either way if I was faced with the situation, everything and everyone else would just have to take a back seat and that's that.
That's a harsh reality but it's still reality. When things settle down you'd probably start creeping your way back up again, but honestly that could be years away, depending on the ages of the kids and how they handle the situation. There's just not going to be a happy ending in this story.

December2012 wrote: »

Show kindness, empathy and consideration

I think she has been - it's not easy.

December2012 wrote: »

What is being asked of you? Are you just being asked for moral support and time?

If you can't do that, then don't be in the relationship

It's a tough situation you find yourself in OP.

You aren't with this guy long, I don't know if you have any involvement with the kids. It's a lot to take on. You really need to ask yourself if you are really in it for the long haul and all that that entails. If the answer is no, that doesn't make you a bad person - the timing is shítty, but that just can't be helped.
What you absolutely shouldn't do is hang on in there getting ever more resentful due to some sense of duty or a something like that.
You need to be the one who looks out for you, because I can guarantee you that nobody else in this situation is going to.

Emme

OP this is a tough situation all round. Your ex has a child whose mother is dying. He wants to support the child through this and the child naturally wants to be around their mother for her final weeks or months. Everything is going to be put on hold while this happens.

When the child's mother dies there will be a period of mourning and your boyfriend will be mourning her as well even though she is his ex. He will want to support the child through this.

He is in no position to make any plans whatsoever. After the mother of his child has died it is likely he will have full custody of the child. Any woman he is with will have to be prepared to take on a grieving stepchild. If you want to have a child with him you may have to put it off for a year or so until his child comes through the grieving process, adjusts to a new environment and starts to feel secure again.

This is a lot of anyone to deal with. If you are not prepared to deal with this upheaval reconsider your relationship. Your boyfriend is doing the decent thing all round. The next year or so will not be easy for him or indeed his child.

neonsofa

I agree 100% with everything posted by sbsquarepants.

You can't help your feelings and I think people are being harsh saying that you should have empathy etc. The fact you have some doubts and frustrations doesn't make you unsympathetic or cruel or selfish. You know full well that it's a difficult situation and that the woman deserves decency and kindness etc. but at the end of the day, you also have feelings and you can't turn them off even if you wanted to. Don't feel bad for that. It's how you react to them that matters, and you have asked for objective and honest advice on that, rather than going in all guns blazing with a knee jerk reaction to your emotions making life more difficult for your boyfriend. That to me seems like a thoughtful and empathetic thing to do.

It's very easy for people to say things from the outside but when it's something that is impacting on such a large part of your life, it's not always that easy, so be kind to yourself as well whatever you choose to do.

judeboy101

OP, some of these posters are living in cloud cuckoo land. When that woman dies ur BF will be 110% involved with his Childs life, it will be all consuming. You are with him less than a year, if you think things will eventually go back to you being the centre of his world you are in for a nasty surprise. You are about to be relegated from the premiership to the Vauxhall conference.

whiskeyman

Probably doesn't help you've been together less than a year, and no doubt her illness has interrupted the 'honeymoon' period of your relationship.
But that's life... not all relationships get the Hollywood treatment. You need to also understand and accept what's right for you at the same time. If his other life / emotional baggage is too much for you at such an early stage, maybe you need to move on.

Ursus Horribilis

Nobody knows what age the child is. He/she could be in their late teens or early twenties.

Obvious Desperate Breakfasts

Big Bag of Chips wrote: »

What sort of "future plans" do you want to make that he is uncomfortable with? The mother of his child is dying. I wouldn't consider that he is spending time with his ex, more so that he is being there for his child in what must be a devastating time. Like it or not, when you are with someone who is a parent there will often be times where you are not the priority. There will be times where plans with you get cancelled because the parent is needed elsewhere. That will be life.

Has he full custody of his child? Will he have once the mother passes away? These are all things that are in his mind at the moment, along with the fact that his child, for the rest of their life won't have their mother.

If you think you can not be in a relationship with a parent I would advise you to walk away now. It is not easy, and it is definitely not easy if you resent not having your partners full time and attention.

In fairness, that’s not what she said. She said she’d like to be his priority even some of the time.

I think some of the responses have been way too harsh on the OP. We all have taboo thoughts from time to time.

What age is his child, OP?

LegacyUser

Once again, thank you for taking the time to reply!

So to answer some of your questions, his child is school going age, and my partner is primary carer. There's no issue with time my partner spends with his child. I have met the child and I am very open to becoming part of the childs life.

I'm certainly taking on that yes i have been out of line, however just to clarify, it's not that I want to be his main priority, just that I'm struggling with never being the priority. I think this is something i must accept or move on. This is a man I love very much and I'm not keen to walk away, but it may be the best for both of us.

Oh, and I think someone asked if I had suggested breaking up as a way to get his attention, it's not something I have suggested to him.

December2012

I can understand that you want to be a priority, but I think you can see that the reason why you're in the situation that you are both in, is because of circumstances completely beyond the control of both of you. That is not to say that, some time in the future when the dust has settled you won't be a priority. Its just really bad luck all around and bad timing.

I am a parent, and unfortunately I know that my children are my main priority. Even more so than my husband, their father, whom I love dearly. They are still small, and I know that they are his main priority, over me. Thats part of us being parents.

Before we had children we certainly were the main thing in each others lives, but that went out the window as soon as our first arrived.

Maybe a way for you to process all of this is to remind yourself why you are staying in this relationship, and that is because a man you love and a child you are willing to parent are going through hell right now. Losing a parent as an adult was awful for me, I can't even comprehend the difficulty it is presenting for a child, who may not have the best relationship with that parent (my apologies if that is incorrect - I am taking that because your partner is the Childs primary carer). The grieving person has to be allowed to put themselves first, if that makes sense?

When somebody is grieving this guide can be helpful
https://www.dailyshoring.com/circle-of-grief-ring-theory/. Now the only thing to watch with this circle application is that you cannot talk down about your partner or situation to somebody who is going to use it against you or them, so choose your audience carefully.

The fact that you are here asking for opinions shows that you are thinking realistically and that you want to do right by yourself and your partner. Thats a good thing. you know that the next while will be stressful and could cause a disruption in your lives, and you are fully accepting that its going to cause a disruption in your partners life.

But it doesn't mean the end, and in the future, your relationship may be a priority. I am sure that when the dust settles your partner and his child will be looking for love and comfort and happy times.

Ursus Horribilis

strugglingdifficultsituation4 wrote: »

I'm certainly taking on that yes i have been out of line, however just to clarify, it's not that I want to be his main priority, just that I'm struggling with never being the priority. I think this is something i must accept or move on. This is a man I love very much and I'm not keen to walk away, but it may be the best for both of us.

Is "never being the priority" an issue that predates his ex's illness? If it is, or you feel that you're going to come a distant second to his child, you're not a bad person if you decide to walk. A primary school age child who's going through this is going to need a lot of help and support. Not just now but into the future. Being in a relationship with a single parent isn't for everyone. Maybe it isn't the relationship for you but you're the one who'll be the judge of that.

LegacyUser

strugglingdifficultsituation4 wrote: »

I'm certainly taking on that yes i have been out of line, however just to clarify, it's not that I want to be his main priority, just that I'm struggling with never being the priority..

Well if you are having issue with not ever being a priority now OP you'll find it ever more so when she dies as the child will become his total focus for at least the next few years. If they are school age then they are old enough to know whats happening and will need support from their father and family. if you'd been together longer and had a relationship with the child I could see an argument for being more involved on your side but you are together less than a year. Yes you've meet the child but they are part of your life and the father needs to be careful moving forward as they don't want their child upset thinking he is trying to force a 'new' mummy on them. The child will be his priority and that is why he is not making any commitment to you at this time. You can either give him the space to deal with this and wait or walk away.

BBFAN

strugglingdifficultsituation4 wrote: »

Once again, thank you for taking the time to reply!

So to answer some of your questions, his child is school going age, and my partner is primary carer. There's no issue with time my partner spends with his child. I have met the child and I am very open to becoming part of the childs life.

I'm certainly taking on that yes i have been out of line, however just to clarify, it's not that I want to be his main priority, just that I'm struggling with never being the priority. I think this is something i must accept or move on. This is a man I love very much and I'm not keen to walk away, but it may be the best for both of us.

Oh, and I think someone asked if I had suggested breaking up as a way to get his attention, it's not something I have suggested to him.

But you seem to be looking at this from an either/or perspective?

You don't have to take a decision to split up with him or stay with him right now. As you're not a priority to him you can get on with living your own life and leave the relationship on hold.

If you can't get on with your own life then you need to look at your level of dependence.

In short, I suggest leaving him to it until it's all over and see what happens then.

BBFAN

Recliner wrote: »

My husbands ex is also the mother of his, albeit grown up children and they are on what I would consider to be good terms. But I know that in recent tragic situations for his family, she was respectful, but wasn't running to his side. I'd consider being by his side as my role. Just my opinion.
But as regards to OP, I'm unsure when you said his ex of many years if you meant they'd been together for years or they've been separated for years. Did they have a close relationship before her illness? I think your friends might be inclined to come down on your side anyway. Which or whether if he has decided to spend most of his time with her, it's obviously a situation that you're uncomfortable with. You need to figure out what you want to do, if you don't feel he has space for you right now, then you might be better off breaking up with him.

With respect, your situation is totally different.

For one, your husbands children are grown up and for another it sounds like the woman who is dying does not have another partner.

So yeah, totally different.

BBFAN

OP, I've just noticed also that you say your partner is the primary care giver to his child and yet you've only "met" the child. You need to be much more a part of the childs life if you intend on staying with this man.

neonsofa

BBFAN wrote: »

OP, I've just noticed also that you say your partner is the primary care giver to his child and yet you've only "met" the child. You need to be much more a part of the childs life if you intend on staying with this man.

Not necessarily. It's difficult to navigate whats best with children and new partners at the best of times, I'd imagine it is even more of a concern when emotions are already high at a time as difficult as this. Hardly appropriate during such a sensitive time to try and foster a relationship that could be perceived by the child as a replacement parent figure while the child is already trying to process losing their mother. Op doesn't "need" to be any particular way with the child right now. All of that can come with time when the relationship is stable and the father and child are comfortable with the op becoming more involved.

BBFAN

neonsofa wrote: »

Not necessarily. It's difficult to navigate whats best with children and new partners at the best of times, I'd imagine it is even more of a concern when emotions are already high at a time as difficult as this. Hardly appropriate during such a sensitive time to try and foster a relationship that could be perceived by the child as a replacement parent figure while the child is already trying to process losing their mother. Op doesn't "need" to be any particular way with the child right now. All of that can come with time when the relationship is stable and the father and child are comfortable with the op becoming more involved.

Yeah I agree but the OP and partner are together a year?

neonsofa

BBFAN wrote: »

Yeah I agree but the OP and partner are together a year?

Which is nothing really. First few months of dating you're only learning about the person and seeing if ye work together as a couple, never mind bringing the kids into it as well. Then it also depends on how soon into the year that the mother became sick.

BBFAN

neonsofa wrote: »

Which is nothing really. First few months of dating you're only learning about the person and seeing if ye work together as a couple, never mind bringing the kids into it as well. Then it also depends on how soon into the year that the mother became sick.

True enough.