Virgin at 26 - Any tips ?

Friendlyperson

Hi I don't know really what to say here but I'm a virgin at 26 & it's effecting me badly.

There isn't any reason why I am it's just one of those things I guess, life ? Just to disclose it's not c**k size mines fine.

Any tips to relax my nerves so I can get over this hurdle ?

Thanks.

aaakev

Amsterdam....

zapper55

OP why is it affecting you badly? Does it affect your confidence with women?

If I met a guy that was a virgin when I was 26 I'd think that he just didn't meet the right person. It wouldn't bother me. My first boyfriend was a virgin when we met, I had no idea until he told me afterwards that I was his first.

Also Amsterdam for your first time is a terrible idea, it makes sex a tacky commodity. You want your first time to be with someone that is shagging you because they fancy you, not because you are paying them.

Friendlyperson

zapper55 wrote: »

OP why is it affecting you badly? Does it affect your confidence with women?

If I met a guy that was a virgin when I was 26 I'd think that he just didn't meet the right person. It wouldn't bother me. My first boyfriend was a virgin when we met, I had no idea until he told me afterwards that I was his first.

Also Amsterdam for your first time is a terrible idea, it makes sex a tacky commodity. You want your first time to be with someone that is shagging you because they fancy you, not because you are paying them.

Hi, it just is it's tricky to explain how it affects really.

I'd feel I'd have to tell the woman beforehand, for guidance maybe & also just for communication & being honest purposes.

Yeah I was thinking that maybe if I was in my late teens or early 20's losing it away foreign might be a bit more sensible then. After 26 years I rather hold onto it & not go foreign rather than losing it to a stranger on a foreign holiday.

zapper55

If you wanted to tell a girl by all means do but you wouldn't have to

I do understand why it's a big deal. I think there's a lot of pressure on guys to be amazing in bed, sleep with loads of women from social media and society etc.

I know it's a cliche, but the right girl wont mind. And guys get nervous even when it's not their first time.

Tips wise, when it comes to being in bed with a girl you could ask her what she enjoys. Tbh she'll prob be more interested in pleasuring you anyways. It is a lot of fun but, and I know easier said that done, but not something to get too focused over.

Friendlyperson

zapper55 wrote: »

If you wanted to tell a girl by all means do but you wouldn't have to

I do understand why it's a big deal. I think there's a lot of pressure on guys to be amazing in bed, sleep with loads of women from social media and society etc.

I know it's a cliche, but the right girl wont mind. And guys get nervous even when it's not their first time.

Tips wise, when it comes to being in bed with a girl you could ask her what she enjoys. Tbh she'll prob be more interested in pleasuring you anyways. It is a lot of fun but, and I know easier said that done, but not something to get too focused over.

Thanks for your post. I know I wouldn't have to but I'd feel more relaxed with the woman after telling her.

It's the nerves & over focusing/thinking about it that I do struggle with & it's horrible to try & deal with. It can affect my general day to day life.

Can you please advise me on how to not get over focused about it ? Even if it was days or weeks beforehand not just right before the fun begins ? Especially for myself given what is going on.

fearrchair

Even if you did tell her and she's making a thing out of it, then theres better. The right girl would understand and some would like to be the one, Amsterdam might be easier or even closer to home but is it something to think back on that feels like a business transaction.

Zorya

Oh I will probably get damned for saying it but because it seems to be causing you a significant emotional and mental hurdle - and understandably so - I cannot see what would be so amiss with engaging the professional services of a friendly consort to guide you through the first time or two. In the spirit of physical therapy etc. There must be good agencies where women freely engaged in sex work by choice and preference for fair rates in professional circumstances (hygiene, etc.) could be approached with openness and honesty, explaining your circumstances.

That would at least be high on my list of solutions if I was in your position. You would be joining the ranks of many who in older times with less sexual opportunity generally in society got over the hump, so to speak, in a pragmatic manner.

Best of luck whatever you choose.

zapper55

What helps you day to day with your anxiety? Are you seeing a counsellor or trying CBT?

suicide_circus

stop masturbating

Friendlyperson

Zorya wrote: »

Oh I will probably get damned for saying it but because it seems to be causing you a significant emotional and mental hurdle - and understandably so - I cannot see what would be so amiss with engaging the professional services of a friendly consort to guide you through the first time or two. In the spirit of physical therapy etc. There must be good agencies where women freely engaged in sex work by choice and preference for fair rates in professional circumstances (hygiene, etc.) could be approached with openness and honesty, explaining your circumstances.

That would at least be high on my list of solutions if I was in your position. You would be joining the ranks of many who in older times with less sexual opportunity generally in society got over the hump, so to speak, in a pragmatic manner.

Best of luck whatever you choose.

Yeah I see your point of view & thanks for the advice but I rather not go down the escort services route to be blunt.

Similar to the foreign holiday suggestion I don't want to lose it that way. I could've done that in my teens or early 20's in that case.

I'm really looking for advice on how to try to be calm & relaxed about it rather than the options that I have to lose it.

Thank you for your input anyhow.

Friendlyperson

zapper55 wrote: »

What helps you day to day with your anxiety? Are you seeing a counsellor or trying CBT?

I just try muddle on with my life you know the attitude of head up keep motoring on, don't give up, keep at it. It can be very difficult some days though.

Sometimes I flick back memory wise & think of past women from my mid teens to women that I communicated with through even with the help of friend even this year & this can bring back not great thoughts so I try my best to look forward.

There's a long list of women from my teens to even a few months ago..

zapper55

Friendlyperson wrote: »

I just try muddle on with my life you know the attitude of head up keep motoring on, don't give up, keep at it. It can be very difficult some days

You only have one life. You owe it to yourself to seek professional help. I have in the past and it helped hugely. Best of luck.

Big Bag of Chips

Posters are reminded not to encourage posters to break the law. Buying sex is illegal in Ireland. Next poster to suggest such a solution will be banned from the forum.

unattendedbag

How close have you come? Is there any particular thing you do or say to ruin the moment so that it doesn't end up in the bedroom?
My best advise is just get into a relationship and take sex off the agenda. Just keep building the relationship and becoming closer to your partner. She'll give you all the time you need if she knows you're a virgin but sooner rather than later the point will come where the deed will happen and in that case nature will just take its course and it'll feel natural. And then you'll be wondering what the big deal was.

However if it's a physical issue or performance issue then I suggest seek a medical assessment.

Have you watched the 40 year old virgin movie where they explain putting the pussy on the pedestal? Does that relate to you?

forgodssake

Friendlyperson wrote: »

Hi I don't know really what to say here but I'm a virgin at 26 & it's effecting me badly.

There isn't any reason why I am it's just one of those things I guess, life ? Just to disclose it's not c**k size mines fine.

Any tips to relax my nerves so I can get over this hurdle ?

Thanks.

Just relax ! When the time comes (pun intended ) you will be fine . Everyone has to start somewhere don't they. Don't give your virginity away to some no bobody just for the sake of it find someone you click with and it will all flow from there . Try to put it out of your mind and fake it til you make it !

Friendlyperson

unattendedbag wrote: »

How close have you come? Is there any particular thing you do or say to ruin the moment so that it doesn't end up in the bedroom?
My best advise is just get into a relationship and take sex off the agenda. Just keep building the relationship and becoming closer to your partner. She'll give you all the time you need if she knows you're a virgin but sooner rather than later the point will come where the deed will happen and in that case nature will just take its course and it'll feel natural. And then you'll be wondering what the big deal was.

However if it's a physical issue or performance issue then I suggest seek a medical assessment.

Have you watched the 40 year old virgin movie where they explain putting the pussy on the pedestal? Does that relate to you?

Very close previously. No not really there's nothing I did wrong. It just didn't happen for whatever reason.

That's a good point but instead of preventing it or prolonging it, if it feels right & the woman is comfortable then I'll go for it. I have to be super relaxed though.

Nah there's no physical or performance issue. No I haven't saw that movie but thanks for the tip.

Friendlyperson

forgodssake wrote: »

Just relax ! When the time comes (pun intended ) you will be fine . Everyone has to start somewhere don't they. Don't give your virginity away to some no bobody just for the sake of it find someone you click with and it will all flow from there . Try to put it out of your mind and fake it til you make it !

I'll try but it's tricky for me to relax. I'll try my best thank you.

Pkiernan

fearrchair wrote: »

Even if you did tell her and she's making a thing out of it, then theres better. The right girl would understand and some would like to be the one, Amsterdam might be easier or even closer to home but is it something to think back on that feels like a business transaction.

Not to mention the human trafficking and synonymous rape

Augme

Friendlyperson wrote: »

i'm really looking for advice on how to try to be calm & relaxed about it

Stop building it up to be such a big deal tbh. You feeling some compulsion to tell the person you are going to have sex with that you are a virgin doesn't make sense. By having this attitude towards it you are just making it far tougher on yourself.

Rubberchikken

i agree ^^. building it up to something especially first time is a hiding to nothing. i realise its easier said than done but you need to stop focusing on it.
maybe meeting someone fun and kind would be a good start. after that the first time will be a little easier. probably nothing like they show in movies etc but then thats not real life - keep that in mind and good luck.

Maggiesm70

Friendlyperson wrote: »

Hi I don't know really what to say here but I'm a virgin at 26 & it's effecting me badly.

There isn't any reason why I am it's just one of those things I guess, life ? Just to disclose it's not c**k size mines fine.

Any tips to relax my nerves so I can get over this hurdle ?

Thanks.

no disrespect intended, but well done for lasting this long, it will be so much more special when it does happen and you will be mature about it

valoren

suicide_circus wrote: »

stop masturbating

This pretty much.
When you stop it, you become motivated to have sex, get sex etc.
Cut it out as a habit. Work out, get the blood pumping. That's the physical part.
Look to stylish men in the public eye. Take cues from their style.
Shirts, pants, fitted sweaters, good shoes, a sports jacket with Polo shirt from M&S in the spring, a winter coat etc.
Stand out, it will get noticed. I see most mid-20 year old's all dressing the same.

Think this. https://www.realmenrealstyle.com/wp-content/uploads/2015/02/U.S.-Polo-Assn.-Mens-Wool-Donegal-Sport-Coat.jpg

Take care of your basic grooming.

Mentally, take pride in the knowledge that you're a sexually confident man even though you have never had it.
Trust me, when it comes time, even when you have zero experience, you will know instinctively what to do. You will be so confident that you can stand naked in front of a partner and not feel at all embarrassed but rather happy, secure and delighted to please them.

Socially, look to meet up with friends, take up your hobbies and revel in the social side to it. Soon enough, coupling your increasing desire with your healthy self esteem and attitude towards sex, you will radiate to available women.

There is no set date to lose one's virginity. Don't ever forget that. If things progress with a woman and it doesn't happen then there will be others as you are a self-assured, sexually confident and available man.

khaldrogo

zapper55 wrote:

Also Amsterdam for your first time is a terrible idea, it makes sex a tacky commodity. You want your first time to be with someone that is shagging you because they fancy you, not because you are paying them.

And if the issue is nobody fancies him then what???

Paying for your first time is not a bad idea if you are putting pressure on yourself. It's good just to get it out of the way so at least in your own head you're not a virgin anymore.

Big Bag of Chips

khaldrogo, banned for 1 month.

wylo

OP I dont get a vibe from your posts that this is an anxiety issue about it or anything. I was going to write some advice around that but if you genuinely think you're confident enough to just do it given the right opportunity / setting then I think the "Stop masturbating" advice seems the best. Especially if you are getting dates. It will even make you more confident and go for a kiss etc.

ChrissieH

Hey OP,

I had to respond because my friend and I were just talking today about how virginity can cause such anxiety! We're both married women so it's not in the same context as your issue, it was just a general conversation, but we were reminiscing about our past and we were both sympathetic to the fact that losing your virginity can get really blown out of all proportion, to the point that it becomes a total nuisance to you!
I lost mine as a teenager to my boyfriend, but my friend waited until she was in her 20s and she too felt a bit of what you're describing, so I think it's natural that you're a bit anxious about it - after all, it's the unknown, and sex is such a huge part of our society / culture that I can understand why someone might begin to feel embarrassed or inadequate to the point that it's nearly easier to make excuses and avoid doing it rather than risk exposing ourselves to potential humiliation BUT take it from me, and the other posters here; it will come naturally and I think if most people are honest, the first time you sleep with a new partner is sometimes underwhelming, regardless of how many times you've had sex in general, because people are self-conscious and it takes a bit of practice with the same person before you get to know what you both like etc.

But yes, also agree completely with the posters saying that the masturbation needs to reduce (if it's something you're doing very frequently) because you're in danger of getting stuck in a rut if you keep shying away from actual intercourse for fear of doing something wrong and using masturbation as a way of satisfying yourself physically can ultimately prevent you from pursuing intercourse that will also satisfy you emotionally if you use it as a replacement for sex with a partner.

heretothere

Are you interested in having a relationship or just someone that isn't with a complete stranger? I don't think it'd be too much to expect someone to wait 3 months before sleeping together. Do you have a desire to have sex or is it just that you feel you should?

uck51js9zml2yt

Friendlyperson wrote: »

Hi I don't know really what to say here but I'm a virgin at 26 & it's effecting me badly.

There isn't any reason why I am it's just one of those things I guess, life ? Just to disclose it's not c**k size mines fine.

Any tips to relax my nerves so I can get over this hurdle ?

Thanks.

If it's a hurdle then you're not ready.
Sit back, relax and wait.
There is no shame despite what the media would tell you in being a virgin.

LegacyUser

Don't stress too much about it. I know it can feel a bit of a burden, but try to recognize the huge influence of the society you live in and how it makes you feel twenty times worse about your lack of sexual experience.

A lot of advertising you see all around you is based around the notion of "sex sells". With social media and the development of apps like Tinder, a culture has emerged in which everyone appears to be out getting laid all the time, which is not the truth. Sex has become almost trivialized to the point that people take pride in the fact that they are screwing anyone who'll put out despite the lack of any kind of connection with them.

The truth is that some people have had lots of sexual partners, most people have had a couple, and some haven't had any yet. Having previously engaged in hookup culture thinking casual sex on tap would be the ultimate form of validation, I can tell you that it is an incredibly empty experience having sex with someone you don't care about or haven't built trust with.

Seeking casual sex all the time becomes somewhat of an addiction to feed an ego. So hold off for someone you care about is my advice. There is a lot of dignity and self-respect in not being afraid to be lacking in sexual experience versus compulsively giving into urges and shagging anything with a pulse. You'll get there.

BBFAN

heretothere wrote: »

Are you interested in having a relationship or just someone that isn't with a complete stranger? I don't think it'd be too much to expect someone to wait 3 months before sleeping together. Do you have a desire to have sex or is it just that you feel you should?

A 3 months wait in this day and age is huge, just the way things are.

heretothere

BBFAN wrote: »

A 3 months wait in this day and age is huge, just the way things are.

Do you think so? I'm 30 and would have thought that was a standard wait maybe I'm getting old!

BBFAN

heretothere wrote: »

Do you think so? I'm 30 and would have thought that was a standard wait maybe I'm getting old!

Jesus, I'm a lot older and I would say the standard is 3 dates not 3 months!

Sonic Youth

heretothere wrote: »

Do you think so? I'm 30 and would have thought that was a standard wait maybe I'm getting old!

These days the standard wait is until 3am on saturday night...but I digress, as for the op, well barring any major physical deformities, your problem is most likely that you are a boring, introverted nice guy who sits quietly in the corner.

In other words women don't view you in a sexual way. You need to become a confident, out going charming guy, a man who is not afraid to make his intentions clear.

How do you do this? First by getting your look together, gym, a haircut that works for you and decent clothes. Next by getting out and doing cool things so you have something interesting to talk about. And finally by approaching women, figuring out what works, getting rejected and learning.

Maybe what I said sounds harsh but I think it's what you need to hear. You aren't Leonard in the Big Bang Theory, the hot blonde across the hallway won't drag you into her room and ride you.

Seriously though, if you follow the 'just be yourself' advice you've been given here then you'll be a virgin for a long time yet.

Good luck.

vectorvictor

Meaningless for first time is no harm. If it's crap it's crap and you won't see them again. So without sounding crass get some practice in.

The whole "respect yourself and wait for the right person" thing sounds lovely but it's just not the way life works unless you are living in the dark ages especially if you have a need that needs fulfilling

If you are worried about performance then talk to your doctor. ED meds will help stop you worrying about performance until you get comfortable. Just don't become reliant on them but they do help especially early into new relationships or for one nighters. And DONT get them from your friends/online etc... Your doc will only give them to you if needed i.e. medical/performance anxiety etc and there's a reason for that