Cant take much more of this

splinter65

Defaulter1831 wrote: »

The OP stated the abuse has beeen going on a long time. Also if you were suicidal and fearfull of moving in with strangers you might go back to the familiar. It's pretty common in all sorts of abuse situations. I doubt the father and mother are going to starve.

Anyone who puts their own flesh and blood down like that is bad news.

Again this is based on the OP's information being accurate.

I’m taking the OP at their word of course.
The OP had moved out and lived with strangers but decided to move back in with his father for financial reasons despite knowing perfectly well from experience what his father was like.
But because I am familiar with these family situations and circumstances and know a lot about the benefits system and how families totally dependent on benefits live from Thursday to Thursday then I have a different perspective on it.

Defaulter1831

splinter65 wrote: »

I’m taking the OP at their word of course.
The OP had moved out and lived with strangers but decided to move back in with his father for financial reasons despite knowing perfectly well from experience what his father was like.
But because I am familiar with these family situations and circumstances and know a lot about the benefits system and how families totally dependent on benefits live from Thursday to Thursday then I have a different perspective on it.

I presume most posters are familiar with familial relationships and weekly budgeting. However constantly putting down your child is something totally different. It's a sad day when someone in their 20s or 30s fear going back to the family home which should be a refuge in times of weakness.

Paddy Cow

justfedup wrote: »

Today during Christmas dinner my dad notified me they will be losing the HAP due to my salary, before I could say anything he began insulting me. He told me I was only making excuses because he never had any problems with the rental sector and that as a high earner I shouldn't have any problems either and that I'm just entitled and get money "handed out to me".

justfedup wrote: »

I moved back in with my parents in November I hadn't been living with them for 2 years now and all of that time I was renting.

Op I think your Dad is telling porkies. He said they will be losing HAP not that they have lost it. There's a big difference. If you only moved in in November, just over a month ago, how would DPP already know about you giving 20% to your parents?

It sounds like your Dad wants you out and is using the threat of losing HAP as an excuse. He can't claim that you aren't pulling your weight financially as clearly you are, so he's pulling his trump card of them losing benefits. He's also acting like it will be no bother for you with his talk of you being a high earner (this is so he doesn't have to feel guilty for turfing you out). The average wage in Ireland for 2017 was €37,646 so at €31,000, you are nowhere near a "high earner".

If your Dad wants you out it sucks but there is nothing you can do about it apart from move. Living with strangers might not seem the best option for your mental health but it's easier to deal with crap from strangers as you can compartmentalise. Living with a father who belittles and humiliates you and your achievements will do far more to erode your self esteem in the long run.

splinter65

Paddy Cow wrote: »

Op I think your Dad is telling porkies. He said they will be losing HAP not that they have lost it. There's a big difference. If you only moved in in November, just over a month ago, how would DPP already know about you giving 20% to your parents?

It sounds like your Dad wants you out and is using the threat of losing HAP as an excuse. He can't claim that you aren't pulling your weight financially as clearly you are, so he's pulling his trump card of them losing benefits. He's also acting like it will be no bother for you with his talk of you being a high earner (this is so he doesn't have to feel guilty for turfing you out). The average wage in Ireland for 2017 was €37,646 so at €31,000, you are nowhere near a "high earner".

If your Dad wants you out it sucks but there is nothing you can do about it apart from move. Living with strangers might not seem the best option for your mental health but it's easier to deal with crap from strangers as you can compartmentalise. Living with a father who belittles and humiliates you and your achievements will do far more to erode your self esteem in the long run.

Revenue DSP the LAs and Medical Card are all “chattering” amongst themselves properly now. It’s absolutely possible if the OP notified any one of them of a change of address that they all would be notified.
This is in an attempt to reduce the huge amounts of low level fraud, not all of it intentional, costing a small fortune.

Emme

OP make plans to move into a houseshare now. Even a small apartment. If you grew up in an emotionally abusive environment that could have contributed to your breakdown. If you stay there the emotional abuse will get to you so much you might not be able to hold down a job and you will end up trapped in an abusive environment on benefits along with your parents.

Get out while you are reasonably healthy and have an income. Don't mind the posters standing up for your parents, it is likely they never suffered emotional abuse from their families.

You need to put yourself first now. It was up to your parents to find out how you living in their house would impact on their benefits.

Emigration as a medium term plan would be an excellent idea for you.

In the meantime it is imperative that you move out of your parents house. Even if renting costs a bit more than living with your parents you can't put a price on peace of mind.

LegacyUser

Thanks for the advice all, I genuinely appreciate it!

I don't know if it matters but my address on Revenue has always been my parents home,
I didn't have access to the mailbox in any of the places I rented and I didn't want to risk having these kind of documents sent to me when I was sharing with other people,
not to mention they were all short term lets so there was never any certainty the mail was going to the right place. So even when I rent my address for things like Revenue, HSE etc is always my parents address...

My contract is fixed term meaning I will be unemployed again in the near future (all my contracts so far have been fixed term and in the past year I've worked for 3 different firms) but the next time my contract ends I definitely want to move country as I genuinely just can't deal with all this insecurity anymore. I need a stable life for my own mental health! I hope I'm not coming across as entitled with this, I realize other countries have their own problems but I feel the issue with the HSE and Housing in Ireland in particular is really bad, even though I attempted suicide I still haven't seen a psychiatrist believe it or not and not having a safe and long term place to live is definitely cause of too much stress... I definitely need to do something to improve my life beyond a good wage...

Either way I'd say it would be best to wait until I start my job to move out, I start at the end of January so my concern right now is that something happens as there are no contracts signed or anything, only a verbal offer...

Emme

justfedup wrote: »

Thanks for the advice all, I genuinely appreciate it!

I don't know if it matters but my address on Revenue has always been my parents home,
I didn't have access to the mailbox in any of the places I rented and I didn't want to risk having these kind of documents sent to me when I was sharing with other people,
not to mention they were all short term lets so there was never any certainty the mail was going to the right place. So even when I rent my address for things like Revenue, HSE etc is always my parents address...

My contract is fixed term meaning I will be unemployed again in the near future (all my contracts so far have been fixed term and in the past year I've worked for 3 different firms) but the next time my contract ends I definitely want to move country as I genuinely just can't deal with all this insecurity anymore. I need a stable life for my own mental health! I hope I'm not coming across as entitled with this, I realize other countries have their own problems but I feel the issue with the HSE and Housing in Ireland in particular is really bad, even though I attempted suicide I still haven't seen a psychiatrist believe it or not and not having a safe and long term place to live is definitely cause of too much stress... I definitely need to do something to improve my life beyond a good wage...

Either way I'd say it would be best to wait until I start my job to move out, I start at the end of January so my concern right now is that something happens as there are no contracts signed or anything, only a verbal offer...

Have you been working since you moved back into your parents' house? If you have then maybe somebody snitched on you to the social welfare department.

If not and you only have a verbal offer of a job starting in January then your father wants you out and the abuse over Christmas dinner is his way of getting you to go. He may be bluffing about revenue. You need to get a definite answer to that question, I am not qualified to give it, hopefully somebody here can help.

If you can get out at all please do, it is not a good environment for you and if you stay there after getting a job you will not be at your best due to the emotional abuse from your father.

Your father sounds like a narcissist especially if he has always been that way. Narcissists like to start rows at times like Christmas and asking you for money is a narcissistic trait as well. They are manipulative liars who thrive on the chaos they cause around them. Also the abuse saying you have achieved very little is typically narcissistic. Narcissistic parents like to belittle their children no matter how successful they become. Growing up in an environment with a narcissistic family member can contribute to a breakdown any time in life.

Even a house share in a town with a short commute would be better than staying in your parents' house when you start your job.

kevinbad2010

Just wondering are you travelling about 2 hours? each way when you worked from Laois to Dublin? it sounds brutal enough truth to be told, I been travelling for around 2 hours and 10-20mins mins each way to college for a whole semester so far will also have to do it next semester as well and I tell you it could kill most people when doing it during the first year of college, I do manage survive though, it would usually be 45 mins if I wasn't using public transport and using the car instead, pretty insane how ****e the transport in this country is to more than double the length of time it takes to go somewhere.

LegacyUser

Emme wrote: »

Have you been working since you moved back into your parents' house? If you have then maybe somebody snitched on you to the social welfare department.

If not and you only have a verbal offer of a job starting in January then your father wants you out and the abuse over Christmas dinner is his way of getting you to go. He may be bluffing about revenue. You need to get a definite answer to that question, I am not qualified to give it, hopefully somebody here can help.

If you can get out at all please do, it is not a good environment for you and if you stay there after getting a job you will not be at your best due to the emotional abuse from your father.

Your father sounds like a narcissist especially if he has always been that way. Narcissists like to start rows at times like Christmas and asking you for money is a narcissistic trait as well. They are manipulative liars who thrive on the chaos they cause around them. Also the abuse saying you have achieved very little is typically narcissistic. Narcissistic parents like to belittle their children no matter how successful they become. Growing up in an environment with a narcissistic family member can contribute to a breakdown any time in life.

Even a house share in a town with a short commute would be better than staying in your parents' house when you start your job.

Hi Emme,

When I moved back home I was on my last week of my contract, meaning I only worked for that week by this time I had the job offer lined up, but as there were no contracts signed or anything the Social Welfare said I was eligible and I was awarded 150 pw. That was the last week of November and I paid my parents 105 that week, then when I got my last salary I gave them 1,000. 500 for December and 500 for January. I also give them 60 off my social welfare payments, I also had to foot the Christmas bill all by myself. Tree, decorations, food you name it. This despite the fact that my brother (2 years younger than me) is also working.

I really don't know what I did wrong, my brother has always lived with them with no issue. Like I said my mom doesn't cook for me or do my cleaning or anything like that so I'm not giving her any added work. It seems that my mistake was being born and that's that...

kevinbad2010 wrote: »

Just wondering are you travelling about 2 hours? each way when you worked from Laois to Dublin? it sounds brutal enough truth to be told, I been travelling for around 2 hours and 10-20mins mins each way to college for a whole semester so far will also have to do it next semester as well and I tell you it could kill most people when doing it during the first year of college, I do manage survive though, it would usually be 45 mins if I wasn't using public transport and using the car instead, pretty insane how ****e the transport in this country is to more than double the length of time it takes to go somewhere.

Hi Kevin,

Yep that's right two hours each way, I got to a point where I just didn't have energy even to eat. I had to commute when I was in college as well and people really underestimate the effect that has on your performance. I'm really sorry you have to deal with such a stressful commute on top of your college work

suicide_circus

on 31k gross you're on 26,142 net which is 2,178 per month.

here is a 1 bed flat for 700 per month in Portlaoise: https://touch.daft.ie/laois/apartments-for-rent/portlaoise/bridge-st-portlaoise-laois-1896350

that would be 32% of your income on rent.

tbh you are in a much better position than an awful lot of people your age OP

Emme

OP by the sounds of things you more than pay for your keep in your family home. You wouldn't have to pay much more for a rental. Don't let your family manipulate you into giving them any more money than necessary and don't break into your savings for them. You need that to emigrate.

I think they might secretly be delighted to have you living at home to pay for lots of things and to emotionally abuse.

YOU DID NOTHING WRONG.

Abusive families can't stand to see somebody doing well and they often use every overt and covert tactic possible to stop the scapegoat child (in this case you) getting away and finding true independence. If it isn't physical abuse then it's verbal abuse, emotional abuse and often financial abuse. Check out "scapegoat children of narcissistic families" on the internet and facebook.

You are not at fault.

Leave as soon as it is practically possible for you. A commute to somewhere like Newbridge or Sallins might be doable depending on where your new job now.

Emme

suicide_circus wrote: »

on 31k gross you're on 26,142 net which is 2,178 per month.

here is a 1 bed flat for 700 per month in Portlaoise: https://touch.daft.ie/laois/apartments-for-rent/portlaoise/bridge-st-portlaoise-laois-1896350

that would be 32% of your income on rent.

tbh you are in a much better position than an awful lot of people your age OP

The OP commuted to South Dublin from Laois and doesn't want to do it again which is understandable. Depending on where the new job is a shorter commute might work, say a houseshare in Newbridge or Sallins. Or even Kildare. I wouldn't go any further than Kildare.

suicide_circus

sorry must have misread thought OP was now working in laois

Caranica

suicide_circus wrote: »

sorry must have misread thought OP was now working in laois

That's what I read too!

dubrov

I'd get out of that toxic household asap. Nothing you can do to change things there.

House share close to work seems to be your best option. It would also be a good way to meet new people

Emigrating will probably not solve all your problems but at least gets you further away from that toxic household.

If you feel insecure with your job, look for a permanent one.
Don't wait for a your current contract to end before making your next move if you are not happy.

dubrov

Also, forget about saving in the short term. Get your life sorted first and if that means spending a bit more on rent / hobbies so be it