Partner wants to open our relationship

leggo

Oh I had an ex who used to take anti-depressants and their libido became non-existent throughout that period (then they were a demon when they'd come off so it was frying pan or fire really), she'd often say she'd just 'forget' to have sex and because I got it I wouldn't pressure her, even though it would really bother me. So trust me when I say I get it and this isn't just someone with a high libido guessing and judging.

See a lot of your post focuses solely on the OP's pleasure. The thing is: the OP has low libido, she's not necessarily concerned or fussed with the physical act of sex (beyond the fact she knows its upsetting her husband), so while her pleasure is never unimportant, if it's not a concern for her there are things she can do to pleasure him instead. Many people get off just pleasing others, and it's different to sexual release and more of the same endorphins that come from the likes of gift-giving, it can help fight the feelings of inadequacy and inability to please her husband that she's sadly feeling. In addition to the basics, there are various toys and other creative activities that don't have to involve vaginal penetration that could avoid discomfort for the OP but keep him happy. A trip to the OP's local Ann Summers during a quiet period and a discreet, honest chat with one of the experienced staff could genuinely change OP's life, for example. Like I said, it doesn't have to be all missionary and doggy. I could personally think of three different products and several activities off the top of my head that could be a solution. I think a lot of people get into these holes without even realising what's out there now.

You point out that men don't understand that aspect, but what I've found that women tend to not understand is that blue balls are physically painful. Like it's not just lads having a moan because we're all horndogs just looking to get the leg over (which is such an inconsiderate stereotype), it causes physical pain not to get that release from contact with another person. Self-pleasure isn't really a solution either: it doesn't scratch the same itch because you still miss physical intimacy and an over-reliance on masturbation can cause problems elsewhere. So this isn't a one-way problem, but there are creative solutions and compromises that could work here. Sexuality and physical intimacy is a wide spectrum and if, say, there's no full-on penetration but the OP isn't even having cuddles with her partner then that becomes more of a choice where it's less about low libido and my sympathies swing way more towards him.

More than anything, as I said earlier, I just feel sad for both reading about this situation. But I think a solution is closer than it may feel right now if they stop seeing it as a black or white, "you get your way or I get mine" issue and work together.

wiggle16

Okay. This isn't a question of whether the OP's husband is owed sex, thinks he is, whether the OP has the right to enforce celibacy or the right/wrong of open relationships. They're in a difficult situation and he's suggested a solution, which for some couples might work.

And we are entitled to be hypocrites about this. I've been the casual third party in an open relationship before, long term, but it's not something I could ever accept in my own relationship with a partner. I just couldn't - I wouldn't feel right doing it to my partner, I wouldn't want to, and I wouldn't feel secure with a partner having sex with other people.

OP, it's one thing to imagine you're okay with your partner having sex with another person, as long as there are no emotions in the mix. It's quite another to be in that situation. He can say he won't get emotionally attached, and he can mean it, but that is not a voluntary reflex in people. For you, that fear and these thoughts will always be there: Is he seeing the same woman every time? Or different women? Is it just sex, or do they text or talk at all? If they did, what does that mean?

It's very easy for us to sit back and say "what a horrible decision to put on someone" and I get that. I couldn't ask it of someone, it compounds the unfairness. But for a lot of people it's not so easy to live without sex. It's not fair, but there is a decency in the fact that he broached it as a solution rather than simply slinking under the fence, like a lot of people would. If he can't hack giving up a sex life, he has little to lose by asking.

This is not about entitlement to sex. If a person wants sex badly enough they will get it one way or another. That's a whole other issue. It's about what's okay and not okay in your relationship - and for you, this is not okay. If this is not something you can handle, you have to be honest about that with him. He'll then have to decide what he's capable of handling. You cannot cow yourself into accepting something you can't bear, out of fear of the alternative. That's not okay for you and (let's be honest) it's not fair to him either: he'd be having sex with other people, assured that you're okay with it and it wasn't hurting you, when that isn't the case. That really is the worst thing you could do.

You're caught in a situation where neither of you fundamentally wants to hurt the other, and so you both want to compromise. But it's only a compromise if you can accept it and say "this is the hand we've been dealt, here is a solution and that's okay, I can handle that." If you can't, it's not a compromise, is it?

I really feel for you and I'm really sorry that you are in this situation with your health OP. I hope things do improve for you soon, whatever the case. But you need to be honest with him about this, and take it from there. That's the only way to do right by you both. Take care of yourself and good luck OP x