Partner wants to open our relationship

LegacyUser

I've been with my partner almost 7 years, we have a child and a mortgage and a whole lot of water under the bridge. Our sex life isn't ideal, thanks to medical problems and large amounts of medication both my sex drive and my ability to have sex is reduced a lot. My illness has affected my mental and physical health and it has impacted both of us quite a bit over the last few years. Safe to say that neither of us signed up for this.

He's been asking about opening our relationship for the last while. I've read up on it and even though the practical side of my brain tells me that if it is just sex then it'll get rid of the pressure side of our relationship and THAT I can deal with, but the idea of him having feelings, potentially falling for someone else CRUSHES me. He doesn't seem to be able to understand that and tells me that no matter what, I will always be the number one and that it doesn't take from our relationship. All I'm left with feeling is not enough. It's not something I can fix overnight, or even over time - I'm dealing with diagnoses that I'm stuck with and will potentially get worse.

So, is this a thing I will get over? Is it a make or break? Or is there a compromise in the middle, because believe me, I'm looking for anything that will help because all this is leading to is fights and me wishing that he'd just pull the plug and get the misery over with, which isn't what I want either.

detoxkid

It's a tough situation because the physical part of a relationship is an important one and im sure you are both grieving the lack of closeness a regular sex life brings. Different strokes for different folks but I can't imagine how having an open relationship will help things - for me it would lead to more resentment on both sides. It sounds trite but I'd suggest couples counseling before you go there - you clearly care allot about each other and you have a child and history. If you both decide to go there after doing this then so be it - the therapist will have helped you both deal with your feelings about the potential fall out

whiskeyman

You've a child and you have health issues.
An open relationship is him just asking for a carte blanche to go get his hole without him feeling guilty.

nikkibikki

Deontay wrote:

And why not? Life is to be enjoyed not endured.

At the expense of other people's feelings? People that you love? Loving relationships usually require compromise on occasion.

OP, it wouldn't be for me. He could have me or he could have others. Not both. Our marriage vows were for better or worse. I would be trying to find ways around the issues, not saying there are ways as I don't know the ins and outs of your condition. I would be looking up a sex therapist for advice. All avenues should be explored before a decision such as this should be made.

An open relationship needs both parties to be 100% ok with it and I don't think you're anywhere near that from what ive read here so just for that reason, I don't think it'll work. It'll cause you so much hurt and upset.

Sex truly is a very important part of a loving relationship. You can have intimacy in other ways. I'd be totally crushed as well OP.

LegacyUser

It doesn't sound like an open relationship, more like permission for him to sleep around. An open relationship works for both partners, not just one. I can understand why you would be feeling so upset. Personally, I think it's a pretty selfish way for him to behave with a partner who is ill. Yes, we all have sexual needs, but it's sounding like he is prioritising his needs over your relationship. It's meant to be for better or for worse, you celebrate the good times and you support each other through the bad. Also, he might think it'll just be sex but what if he does develop feelings? It's a possibility. The whole thing has the potential to be very messy, with a lot of hurt feelings. Definitely speak to a sex therapist and see if they can help the two of you maintain your sexual relationship. Forget about bringing other sex partners into it.

twill

OP, this won't fix your relationship, it'll hasten its decline and utterly devastate you. An open relationship is not someone getting carte blanche to sleep around, it is something that two people engage in to enhance their lives together. For me, the choices are: work together to achieve some intimacy in your relationship with the aid of counselling and/or therapy, or separate.

Kidchameleon

Forgive me OP if I am way off the mark (not much info about your condition) but is there an alternative to the medication you are taking? Have you tried everything to fix the situation before it has come to this? You say he needs to understand your point of view, well you too need to understand his. An open relationship will not work. A life with no physical intimacy will not work. The problem needs to be fixed at your end I'm afraid or else the relationship will end. He says you will always be number one but you express no such sentiment towards him in your post.

Deontay

Deontay wrote: »

And why not? Life is to be enjoyed not endured.

Absolutely.

this is obviously a hard issue OP but it can work if you set out your red lines are. This is a fairly common solution to the issues you are facing.

cannotlogin

Your partner is clearly missing a sex life.

Do you miss it at all? While leaving your sex drive and illness aside? Do you miss it and the intimacy that goes with it? If you don't then, I fully understand why he is proposing looking elsewhere.

If you do, can you see what can be done medically to change things? Have you spoken to your doctors if it's physical or to a therapist if it's deeper than that.

Do you both want to work at getting your sex life back? Is it possible? Have you sought medical advice?

Given you've a 7 year old you are still young. An open relationship is usually in the interests of both parties not just one. Would a break up be better for you rather than worrying over how he is with.

If there any chance that given he's discussing it, rather than just going ahead and cheating he's hoping you can try resolve this within your marraige rather than outside it and forcing you to address the problem rather than ignoring it.

Augme

nikkibikki wrote: »

At the expense of other people's feelings? People that you love? Loving relationships usually require compromise on occasion.

I agree with this. The question is, where is the OPs compromise? I have not seen an alternative suggestion from her or a long term solution. Does she expect her partner to life the forseeble future without sex? These are all questions the op needs to ask herself and they both need to sit down and have an adult discussion and see the situation for the other person's point of view.

ElizaBennett

To me it all comes back to love and whether there is enough love or not. I was on medication this year that caused me to lose all sexual sensation and sensitivity. My partner has a very high sex drive, as do I. I adore him and want him to be happy and for us to feel close ever day so we still had sex during this period, knowing I wouldn't be able to orgasm. We still wanted to have sex because we enjoyed the closeness and sensuality of touching skin etc. I would never leave him for weeks without intimacy because it's an integral part of our relationship and it would hurt us both a lot
For couples who stop having sex, they need to think about how much they actually do love each other.

zapper55

Eliza that's great you could continue to have sex and keep the intimacy but for many women having sex without sensitivity/sexual feeling could be very sore as there's no lubrication. I know you can use lube but it's only so effective.

Op my heart goes out to you. It's a very tough place for you and your partner. I couldn't be happy in an open relationship but also I've been on his side and even if it's due to a medical issue it can really affect you when the person you love can't have sex with you.

Is this a long term thing or does your doc see any end in sight? Losing your sex drive is a pretty big thing.

leggo

I wouldn’t be so quick to slate the OP’s partner and I imagine if he were posting his side the majority would be more sympathetic towards his view. However I don’t think his solution is THE solution either given the devastation it’d bring to the OP. The situation just makes me sad for all involved, the love they share and what they’ve worked through to be here (and still are) shines through. Remember he’s not off out riding behind her back, he’s asking for permission as a last resort and that’s gotta be a tough conversation to have with your partner.

OP I think the solution here is compromise. I’m sorry you’re going through the health issues you are and that it sounds like things won’t get better. Sexuality is a wide spectrum though, there’s pretty much stuff you can do for gratification to fit any set of obstacles now. The thing is it takes two willing parties to do so.

In that respect, his itch is easier to scratch than yours. He’s missing physical intimacy, if he gets that he’s likely happy again. You’re suffering the blow on top of your health issues that you don’t feel enough for your partner. If you are willing to work on it and find solutions that tick both your boxes, I’m sure he’ll be willing to work too to reassure you you are enough and there’s a scenario here where both of you end up happier and more appreciative of each other than you were. But it’s going to take work, willingness to compromise and honest communication from both of you.

lulu1

Deontay wrote: »

And why not? Life is to be enjoyed not endured.

His partner has no choice but to endure her health problems

OP you would be better off without him if that's the way he thinks because it shows that it's in his mind and may happen down the line with or without your consent

lulu1

lulu1 wrote: »

His partner has no choice but to endure her health problems

OP you would be better off without him if that's the way he thinks because it shows that it's in his mind and may happen down the line with or without your consent

The OP's partner is being upfront and honest with her. He's not forcing her into anything or doing anything clandestine. He's suggesting a solution that may or may not be acceptable or may or may not work, but that's for the couple to decide together.

For all we know he is a great partner in other respects, a great father, friend. You can love someone who is ill and still want to have sex. It doesn't mean either of them is in the wrong. It's a cliche but life is complex, what works in one relationship out of 100 might not work in the other 99.

Up Donegal

This is a situation where a 'Friends with Benefits' arrangement for the partner could be an option. Once the O.P. is aware of it and her partner doesn't allow himself to develop any emotional attachment to his 'friend', it might be beneficial to the O.P. and the situation she and her partner are in.

Of course, counselling/therapy should be the first option and nothing else should happen before this option is exhausted.

leggo

Up Donegal wrote: »

This is a situation where a 'Friends with Benefits' arrangement for the partner could be an option. Once the O.P. is aware of it and her partner doesn't allow himself to develop any emotional attachment to his 'friend', it might be beneficial to the O.P. and the situation she and her partner are in.

Of course, counselling/therapy should be the first option and nothing else should happen before this option is exhausted.

To me him using escorts would almost be better than a FWB scenario (and I don’t think escorts are in any way a solution either): that’s essentially starting another relationship with a woman he’ll see regularly who’s giving him something his wife can’t. I see where you’re coming from in suggesting it, but it’s impossible to keep these scenarios emotion-free for single people, never mind telling the FWB not to develop feelings, the OP’s husband couldn’t guarantee it wouldn’t turn emotional and it would eat the OP up inside.

The only way his solution would work was if the OP was genuinely open to it (a HUGE ask for anyone). She’s not, understandably, so it’s a non-starter.

guitarhappy

You've been together almost 7 years and this has been a problem for the past several years. So, he hasn't been getting any for fully one half of your time together. Sounds like a really patient and loyal man who has finally had all he can take. He's looking for a way to move on but still meet what he sees as his responsibility to you and your children. Sounds like a good man trying to have a meaningful life despite a bad situation. It's a compromise offer.

If you were physically unable to cook his supper after he worked hard all day, suppose he went to a restaurant for his meal, would you resent if he got it from the same cook and waitress because over time he might develop feelings for them?

Modern society is recognizing that men shouldn't control a woman's sexuality but still think women should be allowed to control the man's sexuality. I reckon, being an elderly gentleman who has heard a lot of men's life stories, very few married men are happy with their sex life after the first few years, after the children, the job stress, the mortgage payments. It ends predictably.

Xterminator

I have to say there are a lot of people on this forum slating the OPs husband, who has not done anything wrong!

But some fo the posters advice here appears to be his is a dirty man after one thing only!!

An open relationship is him just asking for a carte blanche to go get his hole without him feeling guilty.

What a lack of empathy!!

Is it okay to not have sex for the rest of your life? Is it okay for one partner to decide they no longer wish to be physical and the other gets no say? Both of them have needs and wants and a good relationship is about compromise and ensuring both partners needs are met. None of us know the particulars of the OPs illness & what the physical limits are or are not.

But the OP talks about it going on for "the last few years." so the husband is not being a horny dog, and has loyally been with the OP through the troubles. But clearly he has needs too. and the couple need to find a way for both of their needs to be met.

OP my advice to you is that doing nothing will likely cause your marriage to fail. IE the thing that your fear will happen faster if you bury your head in the sand.

Attend a sex therapist, do couples counselling, come to an arrangement, whatever you think best- but please take some action that demonstrate to your husband that his feeling matter, and are valid, and that you understand this. Because doing nothing will hurt him and cause the marriage to become a facade.

LegacyUser

As others have said open relationships only work when both parties are comfortable with it, speaking as someone whose been in a open relationship you are both emotionally involved. He is asking to go seek sex elsewhere while he can't get it at home, it's different to an open relationship.

OP you speak to him about alternatives to your medication, getting sex therapy etc None will be an overnight fix, changing medication takes time to re-balance your system before you know if it even worked. Sex therapy would require you both to be very open and honest.

You need to speak with each other and be honest. Don't be pressured into agreeing to something you don't feel comfortable with. It may mean the end of your relationship but if the option is he stays miserable with the current situation or you become miserable by agreeing to an open relationship then neither is really a solution.

SterlingArcher

closedoff wrote: »

I've been with my partner almost 7 years, we have a child and a mortgage and a whole lot of water under the bridge. Our sex life isn't ideal, thanks to medical problems and large amounts of medication both my sex drive and my ability to have sex is reduced a lot. My illness has affected my mental and physical health and it has impacted both of us quite a bit over the last few years. Safe to say that neither of us signed up for this.

He's been asking about opening our relationship for the last while. I've read up on it and even though the practical side of my brain tells me that if it is just sex then it'll get rid of the pressure side of our relationship and THAT I can deal with, but the idea of him having feelings, potentially falling for someone else CRUSHES me. He doesn't seem to be able to understand that and tells me that no matter what, I will always be the number one and that it doesn't take from our relationship. All I'm left with feeling is not enough. It's not something I can fix overnight, or even over time - I'm dealing with diagnoses that I'm stuck with and will potentially get worse.

So, is this a thing I will get over? Is it a make or break? Or is there a compromise in the middle, because believe me, I'm looking for anything that will help because all this is leading to is fights and me wishing that he'd just pull the plug and get the misery over with, which isn't what I want either.

I get the feeling you are there trying to be strong for the family unit. You need a strong partner who is thinking the same way.

It will break you for sure. While I feel for him too. I don't think your partner has fully comprehended this.

I can say if you did pull the plug now, the only comfort would be it at least being on your terms.

I wish you the all best.

osarusan

leggo wrote: »

To me him using escorts would almost be better than a FWB scenario (and I don’t think escorts are in any way a solution either): that’s essentially starting another relationship with a woman he’ll see regularly who’s giving him something his wife can’t. I see where you’re coming from in suggesting it, but it’s impossible to keep these scenarios emotion-free for single people, never mind telling the FWB not to develop feelings, the OP’s husband couldn’t guarantee it wouldn’t turn emotional and it would eat the OP up inside.

This was my thought as well.

If it is purely a physical release he is looking for, and the OP is could handle that, but is afraid that an emotional/romantic relationship would develop, then maybe escorts are a more 'clinical' way of doing things.

I don't think the OP's partner can really guarantee that even though he finds somebody else to sleep with (and who is attracted to him and wants to sleep with him), it will always be just physical and nothing else, she will always 'be the number one'. He might like to imagine that as the ideal outcome, but it's a bit naive.

I think the best thing to do is try every conceivable avenue to get their own sex life up and running again. Because if that can't happen, every other outcome is something that leaves somebody, and maybe everybody, unhappy.

LirW

Being on medication that makes your life a lot easier and in exchange you lose all your sexual desire is a tough one. I've been there and it was soul crushing.
Had to take medication that didn't only eradicate my libido but also made me gain weight and every approach my partner made didn't feel nice and my body just shut down and would actively fight against it. I have no words for how horrible this is.
The most frightening thing was how slowly it happened and I didn't notice it until I was at a point where I felt like a different person.
I quit and the process of slowly regaining my old sexual self was slow but it's worth it.

Honestly I'd just go to the GP, with him, explain the situation and ask for alternative treatment and a counselor recommendation.
There won't be a change overnight, but it's a process that can take a few weeks/months.

I really feel for both of you, I wish you all the best.

professore

It's a tough situation. As others have pointed out, if penetrative sex is an issue, there are many other ways to be sexually active.

Sex is an important part of a relationship. It's not just "getting your hole". It's a closeness that you can't get any other way.

Personally I don't think an open relationship is a good idea as men often develop feelings for women they are having sex with. By the sound of it, your husband is suggesting this out of desparation.

Bobtheman

I think you got to be more specific. Can you have sex yes or no ? If it's no then you got to think it over. We can be very prudish in Ireland. The French just see sex as sex. Really deal with the central question of whether sex is possible. If it's not then allowing him some release under conditions might be a way forward but only after trying some alternative s medically

ElizaBennett

But sex in some form or other is always physically possible if you want to make your partner happy. There are many different ways in which to do that. But if there's a psychological block to wanting to do this then that has to be examined

ElizaBennett

ElizaBennett wrote: »

But sex in some form or other is always physically possible if you want to make your partner happy. There are many different ways in which to do that. But if there's a psychological block to wanting to do this then that has to be examined

I find this line of thought really unsettling. If a person doesn't want to have sex, the fact that they are physically capable of it shouldn't matter. I would have no interest in having sex with someone who had no desire to or interest in having sex with me. I get the whole "do it to make your partner happy" argument, but I dunno, doesn't seem to address the deeper issues.

Mr. Incognito

Men can have sex without any emotional attachment.

Women cannot so they project that onto their men.

He is asking for a physical interaction without the emotional one in an open and honest way.

I'd take advice and consider it.

dudara

Mr. Incognito wrote: »

Men can have sex without any emotional attachment.

Women cannot so they project that onto their men.

Less of the generalising assumptions please

dudara

leggo

[Deleted User] wrote: »

I find this line of thought really unsettling. If a person doesn't want to have sex, the fact that they are physically capable of it shouldn't matter. I would have no interest in having sex with someone who had no desire to or interest in having sex with me. I get the whole "do it to make your partner happy" argument, but I dunno, doesn't seem to address the deeper issues.

Nobody (that I can see) is saying that the OP should force herself to have sex to keep him happy if she doesn’t want to, so no need for you to be unsettled. OP is saying that her ailments lower her libido and make it uncomfortable, but she’s also saying that she would like there to be a normal, functioning marriage and for him to be happy. So what people are saying is that there may be sexual solutions possible with cooperation and an open mind that could satisfy her even with said ailments and keep him happy. It’s not all missionary and doggy, basically.

If she doesn’t want to have any sexual contact but he does, then the reality is his solution or a break-up is the only way, but OP wants to avoid both of those end goals so people are trying to figure out compromises. That’s all.

LirW

leggo wrote: »

Nobody (that I can see) is saying that the OP should force herself to have sex to keep him happy if she doesn’t want to, so no need for you to be unsettled. OP is saying that her ailments lower her libido and make it uncomfortable, but she’s also saying that she would like there to be a normal, functioning marriage and for him to be happy. So what people are saying is that there may be sexual solutions possible with cooperation and an open mind that could satisfy her even with said ailments and keep him happy. It’s not all missionary and doggy, basically.

If she doesn’t want to have any sexual contact but he does, then the reality is his solution or a break-up is the only way, but OP wants to avoid both of those end goals so people are trying to figure out compromises. That’s all.

I think many people aren't aware how much medication can mess you up physically and mentally. It's really difficult to understand if you haven't been there, everyone with a healthy libido will struggle to understand how it is when the libido is not only switched off but suddenly all sensations that used to be nice, suddenly make you uncomfortable and want you to run away and hide. Theoretically you could of course lube it up and go for it but you're not going to enjoy that (often libido-lowering medication goes hand in hand with vaginal dryness, it's a real thing and it's awful and really puts you down).
Then you know your partner is unhappy, sexually unsatisfied and it's because you suddenly don't find it enjoyable anymore or really struggle to get there mentally. That wears you down even more and makes you doubt yourself more, which reflects in return yet again on how intimate you can be.

Realistically the OP would have to come off her medication and give it a few months to return back to normal and find different treatments.

Him asking to open up the relationship because he's desperate for physical love (rightly so!) and she's received the final blow because your hands are pretty much tied and if the relationship breaks down because of it, she will blame herself.
This is such a delicate problem that they need professional help, the help of online strangers and their anecdotes will only go so far in this case.

leggo

Oh I had an ex who used to take anti-depressants and their libido became non-existent throughout that period (then they were a demon when they'd come off so it was frying pan or fire really), she'd often say she'd just 'forget' to have sex and because I got it I wouldn't pressure her, even though it would really bother me. So trust me when I say I get it and this isn't just someone with a high libido guessing and judging.

See a lot of your post focuses solely on the OP's pleasure. The thing is: the OP has low libido, she's not necessarily concerned or fussed with the physical act of sex (beyond the fact she knows its upsetting her husband), so while her pleasure is never unimportant, if it's not a concern for her there are things she can do to pleasure him instead. Many people get off just pleasing others, and it's different to sexual release and more of the same endorphins that come from the likes of gift-giving, it can help fight the feelings of inadequacy and inability to please her husband that she's sadly feeling. In addition to the basics, there are various toys and other creative activities that don't have to involve vaginal penetration that could avoid discomfort for the OP but keep him happy. A trip to the OP's local Ann Summers during a quiet period and a discreet, honest chat with one of the experienced staff could genuinely change OP's life, for example. Like I said, it doesn't have to be all missionary and doggy. I could personally think of three different products and several activities off the top of my head that could be a solution. I think a lot of people get into these holes without even realising what's out there now.

You point out that men don't understand that aspect, but what I've found that women tend to not understand is that blue balls are physically painful. Like it's not just lads having a moan because we're all horndogs just looking to get the leg over (which is such an inconsiderate stereotype), it causes physical pain not to get that release from contact with another person. Self-pleasure isn't really a solution either: it doesn't scratch the same itch because you still miss physical intimacy and an over-reliance on masturbation can cause problems elsewhere. So this isn't a one-way problem, but there are creative solutions and compromises that could work here. Sexuality and physical intimacy is a wide spectrum and if, say, there's no full-on penetration but the OP isn't even having cuddles with her partner then that becomes more of a choice where it's less about low libido and my sympathies swing way more towards him.

More than anything, as I said earlier, I just feel sad for both reading about this situation. But I think a solution is closer than it may feel right now if they stop seeing it as a black or white, "you get your way or I get mine" issue and work together.

wiggle16

Okay. This isn't a question of whether the OP's husband is owed sex, thinks he is, whether the OP has the right to enforce celibacy or the right/wrong of open relationships. They're in a difficult situation and he's suggested a solution, which for some couples might work.

And we are entitled to be hypocrites about this. I've been the casual third party in an open relationship before, long term, but it's not something I could ever accept in my own relationship with a partner. I just couldn't - I wouldn't feel right doing it to my partner, I wouldn't want to, and I wouldn't feel secure with a partner having sex with other people.

OP, it's one thing to imagine you're okay with your partner having sex with another person, as long as there are no emotions in the mix. It's quite another to be in that situation. He can say he won't get emotionally attached, and he can mean it, but that is not a voluntary reflex in people. For you, that fear and these thoughts will always be there: Is he seeing the same woman every time? Or different women? Is it just sex, or do they text or talk at all? If they did, what does that mean?

It's very easy for us to sit back and say "what a horrible decision to put on someone" and I get that. I couldn't ask it of someone, it compounds the unfairness. But for a lot of people it's not so easy to live without sex. It's not fair, but there is a decency in the fact that he broached it as a solution rather than simply slinking under the fence, like a lot of people would. If he can't hack giving up a sex life, he has little to lose by asking.

This is not about entitlement to sex. If a person wants sex badly enough they will get it one way or another. That's a whole other issue. It's about what's okay and not okay in your relationship - and for you, this is not okay. If this is not something you can handle, you have to be honest about that with him. He'll then have to decide what he's capable of handling. You cannot cow yourself into accepting something you can't bear, out of fear of the alternative. That's not okay for you and (let's be honest) it's not fair to him either: he'd be having sex with other people, assured that you're okay with it and it wasn't hurting you, when that isn't the case. That really is the worst thing you could do.

You're caught in a situation where neither of you fundamentally wants to hurt the other, and so you both want to compromise. But it's only a compromise if you can accept it and say "this is the hand we've been dealt, here is a solution and that's okay, I can handle that." If you can't, it's not a compromise, is it?

I really feel for you and I'm really sorry that you are in this situation with your health OP. I hope things do improve for you soon, whatever the case. But you need to be honest with him about this, and take it from there. That's the only way to do right by you both. Take care of yourself and good luck OP x