I am so upset with my brother am i unreasonable?

Toots

Have you considered that maybe your brother finds family gatherings difficult because your mum isn't there any more? It could make him feel her loss more acutely when ye are all together and maybe he finds that difficult, but doesn't want to come out and say it, so he used the morning sickness as an excuse.

Were you annoyed that your brother didn't come to the award ceremony you mentioned? If you reacted badly to that, this could be why your dad lied to you about this - so you wouldn't spend the run up to the graduation stewing over your brother not being there.

Whatever his reasons, he's not obliged to be there. One of my sisters didn't come to my first graduation and it didn't bother me. My parents and youngest sister came, and afterwards I felt bad for inviting my youngest sister because after I got my scroll there was about another 300 people still to go and she had to sit through it and was obviously bored out of her mind.

Basically, you've got two choices now: you can accept that your brother won't be going, put it behind you and enjoy your day and celebrate what you've achieved; or you can sulk about it and allow the fact that you're mad at him to overshadow your graduation.

amdublin

Celebrate your graduation for what it is for you. A proud moment which you worked hard for. Well done!
And in a couple of months there will be more celebration when the baby comes and you are an aunt!

Stop worrying and acting spoilt about things you can't control. You cant make your brother go. And frankly I don't blame him, graduations are pretty boring!

mordeith

Your brother is an adult and had made his decision. Just respect that.

wiggle16

I'm sorry OP but you are being completely self-involved and petty here. The world does not revolve around you and your "massive" achievement.

Your brother's pregnant fiancé is ill. What that illness is is not relevant. You are not a doctor, you cannot assess whether or not he "needs" to stay home with her. He obviously feels he needs to stay with her and that is absolutely fair.

You said in your OP you have been crying all morning over this - I'll be honest with you, you need to get some perspective here. You are disproportionately upset over something that does not warrant it. Your brother, one brother, won't be attending your graduation. It's not like you will be going alone.

I have every sympathy with regards your mother, but she was your siblings' mother too, and your father's wife. It's not fair to turn around and take ownership of that just because of the occaision. I'm certain it's been just as hard for them too.

To be blunt, you need to grow up, a lot. People have obligations and will let you down in life for both good and bad reasons. Give your brother a break and stop acting like the universe has to come to a halt just because you are graduating from college.

baby and crumble

I’m a little confused, I’ve never been to a graduation where the graduates were given more than 2 tickets to get in to the ceremony, space is always tight at these things. At one point you said you want him to come to the ceremony but then you said you just want him there for photos afterwards? I’ll tell you something there’s no way I’d be traveling 40 minutes to take a few photos at my brothers graduation. Yes it’s an important day because of the ceremony aspect but honestly you graduate with the degree or whatever it is even without the ceremony.

Gregor Samsa

My Dad didn't go to either of my graduations. He didn't go to my brother's either. We get on really well with him, and he had no serious excuse. Just on the morning he declared he wasn't going. I would have liked him to be there, but I didn't hold it against him - it was his choice and he had his reasons. I had other people to go each time, and it looks like you have your Dad and another brother going. So it's not that you're being left there on your own.

You're equating morning sickness with heartburn, but it can actually be a quite debilitating condition. I know a few women who ended up in hospital with it. Also, pregnancy can be a very stressful time for some women regardless of morning sickness, and it's important that your brother's partner knows that she can rely on him for the support she feels she needs, even if you or anyone else thinks she doesn't. whether it's reasonable or rational it irrelevant. I know that my number 1 priority was to my partner during our pregnancies, no questions asked - and on account of it I occasionally missed weddings, family events, stag nights, etc.

It's one of the responsibilities that (impending) parenthood brings - your priorities shift from your existing family to your new one. Most of the time, both can be accommodated, but sometimes they can't and a choice has to be made. Such is life.

eviltwin

OP any chance you are overly focused on this as a diversion to your mum not being there?

Could that be what's really upsetting you and you're pushing it onto your brother

henryforde80

Did your brother graduate? Maybe he could be a bit jealous.

You are been really unreasonable. Just give him a call and say you would like him to be there.

splinter65

sj_jj wrote: »

I appreciate and understand all of your points however I feel let down as its a massive achievement for me and my brother also let me down last week for another award I won. My dad also lied to me today as I overheard the conversation on the phone about my bro not going but then he asked me what time we were going and said we are meeting him at such a place, when I said I thought he wasnt going he completely stumbled and played dumb. That hurt that my own dad lied to me face.

On another level yes I appreciate she is sick, but this is a massive day for me and a painful day in light of not having my mum. My brother has been away from her most the weekend visiting my dad and when he rang me earlier he was out shopping 40 minutes away so she cant be that bad as hes making out if hes away from her for hours at a time. Hence why Im hurt and let down that he cant give me two hours tomorrow to meet us after the ceremony to take photos. Im not asking a lot in the grand scheme of things yet I feel like everyone on here thinks im asking to leave someone on their deathbed.

See this is a pity now because you’re coming across now as a bit of a princess and I don’t believe you are in reality.
I think you’ve had a lot going on in the last 12 months and finding it difficult to process it all.
You’re in severe danger here of creating a bad atmosphere between yourself and your family over this if you don’t just swallow your disappointment and make the best of it.
Your brother doesn’t have to go to your graduation if it doesn’t suit him and that’s it. It doesn’t mean he doesn’t love you and wish you all the best but he’s got to prioritize and that’s his job as a fiancée and expectant father.
If your not careful there’s going to end up a frosty atmosphere when your baby niece or nephew gets here and you don’t want that. Do you?

Ursus Horribilis

A death in a family can mess everyone's heads around. Maybe that's why you're so upset over this. Especially if you feel you've lost the most supportive member of your family. Are you grieving for the family you've lost and will never have again? You mum is gone, your brother has moved on and your father is caught in the middle somewhere.

The response here is pretty unanimous. You're getting upset over something you shouldn't be. I think that's something to look at, rather than raging at your brother. I hope you can get over this without causing any rifts in the family. Once you graduate, the day will by forgotten about. I think you've lost sight of that. In no time at all it'll be about your next job and your new niece/nephew and your brother's wedding.

Graduations are like mass but with more gowns. Unless they've changed since I graduated, they're not much of an occasion really. Everyone crams into a hall, they listen to speeches and then collect their scrolls in the same manner in which someone goes for communion. There's a lot of hanging around and maybe meeting other parents /friends you'll never see again. Mine was so entertaining, I didn't bother going to my next one.

nikkibikki

Ask yourself this OP. What benefit would it be if you guilted him into going? He still won't want to be there. He'll have a face on him like a slapped arse probably. He'll likely also be snappy and in bad form.

With the pregnancy, she may have an appointment that you don't know about. Other things could've happened there that they want to keep private.

Or he just doesn't want to go. Chalk it up as a life lesson learned.

Big Bag of Chips

He doesn't want to go and is making an excuse. You are not a big priority in his life. That's what happens when families grow up and move in different directions. 40 minutes is no small journey. Its 40 minutes, there and back. It's about an hour of a ceremony, to see you walk across a platform and shake hands with someone and walk off again. There's the waiting time before and the hanging around after. It is a number of hours, not 40 minutes.

He doesn't have to go. Being there isn't essential. Even you being there isn't essential. Sometimes people lie to spare our feelings, or because they know the reaction to declining the invitation will be bad. Look at your own reaction. This is what he was trying to avoid.

His relationship with your dad is different. Just because he visits him doesn't mean he also has to be available for your functions.

LegacyUser

One of my brothers didn't even congratulate me on my graduation.

backspin.

SusieBlue wrote: »

Don't be so dismissive. Morning sickness can be extremely debilitating, especially over a sustained period of time.

Can you imagine feeling extreme nausea, dehydration, not being able to keep any food down & vomiting every few hours, while trying to grow a little baby?
For weeks on end? While trying work and function like a "normal" person?

Most people who have the vomiting bug call in sick to work, and stay in bed until it passes.
Imagine yourself going through up to 40 weeks of having the vomiting bug day in, day out, and you might a bit more sympathy for the OP's sister in law.

Sorry not convinced.

Big Bag of Chips

Mid Note

backspin, please read the Forum Charter before posting again. Personal Issues is an advice forum. Posters are expected to offer advice to the OP.

sj_jj

sj_jj wrote: »

that makes no sense. How and why would my dad lie to me? None of my family know how I feel so me being secretly "difficult" does not warrant or excuse a parent lying

Because your father doesn’t want to have to explain to you that your brother has and is entitled to have other priorities in his life than you have in yours.

To be honest, I can’t blame him. You seem to have a hard time respecting the fact that other people get to make their own decisions and that your graduation is trivial enough in the grand scheme of things. I’d rather look after an expectant partner or spend time with my Da than go share pride for other peoples benefit.

I mean, fair play and well done, but remember that your graduation ceremony is not the achievement and I’m sure that either way, your brother is pleased for you to have achieved a personal goal.

Time to grow up a bit in other ways now.

ford2600

eviltwin wrote: »

OP any chance you are overly focused on this as a diversion to your mum not being there?

Could that be what's really upsetting you and you're pushing it onto your brother

This.

Grief, especially the loss of a mother can change the family dynamic. It'll be more difficult if ye are poor at communicating, which ye seem to be.

Get better at communicating; in a calm, thoughtful manner and go from there.

12 months is not a long time. Focus on your grief and get help/support if needed.

In the big scheme of things a graduation isn't something to be falling out over.

LegacyUser

Hi OP I have to agree that I think your grief is making an appearance here, even if you aren't aware of it.

It takes about 18 months for the shock to subside after the loss you've just gone through. I'm a woman with 3 older brothers and after I lost my Mam four years ago, we were all at each other's throats. The anger and grief was silent but we took it out on each other over even the most insignificant things.

This is an important day for you, and it will be a hard day without mam for you. And there will be many more important days to come where you will feel this way. Don't fall out with your brother, I sincerely doubt there is any malice in him not attending. You will have your dad and other brother there! This is a time where you all need to stick together, through thick and thin. And as other posters pointed out, maybe he is finding your mams passing harder than he may show. That's one thing I learned from my own brothers.

You will have a great day, although sad without your mam but you will get through it with your dad and brother with you!

Eimee90

Christ, people are being very harsh here, particularly whoever said she wasn’t a big priority. I think when you lose someone as important as your mother at a young age, this is one of the days you expected to see them at. Your brother could have made an effort, couldn’t a relative drop in on the girlfriend for a few hours.

Many comments here are nasty. This isn’t a petulant teenager throwing a tantrum. She’s lost her mam, and by the way, OP, I enjoyed my grad day. I felt very proud so this notion of how unimportant they are coming from people here is striking.

Congratulations, Op.

SusieBlue

I don’t think anyone was suggesting OP wasn’t a priority, merely that for her brother, his unwell partner & unborn child are of more importance than attending a siblings graduation ceremony.

Which I don’t see anything wrong with tbh.

Big Bag of Chips

When any of us graduated no siblings were present. We got 2 tickets. So our parents went. How many tickets have you? From your post it even sounds like your brother won't necessarily get into the ceremony. You mention just having him there for photos.

Honestly, OP, I think in time you will look back at this and wonder why the fuss. My husband recently graduated with a masters. His parents don't even know!! They just wouldn't 'get it'. They'd think he was on CE scheme or something. It was a big day for him. I went with our daughter. Our other children stayed at home!

It's a lovely day for you. It's a big achievement for you. Your dad and other brother will be there. Enjoy the day for what it is. Enjoy it with who is there with you. If your other brother went, it would now be under duress and you'd be annoyed that he was annoyed. It would actually impact on your day.

Your brother can't go to your graduation. Enjoy the day with those who can be there.

SusieBlue

Morning sickness doesn’t just happen in the morning, it can happen at any time of day.

It’s not like if she sleeps it off she’ll be fine by the afternoon.

Mooooo

If she only 6 weeks gone there is a chance it may not be morning sickness, 25% of pregnancies don't go past 12 weeks so it may be something else. It may not be the case but stand back, calm down it could be something you're not thinking of is the reason.

qwerty13

I’d echo other posters.

You don’t know what is really happening with your brother’s partner, and it’s very inappropriate to ask.

Yes, your graduation is important to you, right now. But it’s not in the greater scheme of things. It really isn’t.

I short, I think you are being completely unreasonable. I can understand it. But I still think you are being unreasonable. Let it go, or you will sour long term relationships.

trick

I’m going to assume you are graduating as a nurse, you mentioned colleagues doing 13 hour shifts?
Pregnancy related sickness is different for everyone. It’s subjective. Like pain.

Maybe he feels emotional regarding your Mams passing & a big family event is making him feel emotional? So he’d rather avoid it? Or maybe he just wants to support his fiancée?

Call him and ask him if he is coming. Explain your feelings.
Never assume another persons feelings.
You can never ever tell what someone else is thinking unless you ask them & they are honest.

I hope you enjoy your graduation
Good luck in your career x

rock22

Have you invited your brother on his own or did you also invite his partner?

amdublin

Today's the day?!

Pull on those big girl panties and enjoy the day with your dad and whoever else can make it!

forestgirl

Maybe it's a case where he cannot afford to go?,going to a graduation and needing to be well dressed up if he has no suit jacket he may feel out of place but to proud to say.I had all day sickness with one of my pregnancies and it's just awful feeling,it would make you not care about anything so go easy on her there.I hope you enjoy the day

facehugger99

witchgirl26 wrote: »

OP I can understand both sides to a degree here.

Ba Dum Tss!




However, to answer your question OP, yes, you're totally over-reacting.

SirChenjin

OP, I hope that you are having a great day with those of your family who could attend. It's bound to be a bit emotional, it's the end of your course, it's the parting of ways probably with your fellow students, and I am sure you are missing your mam too.
I won't add anymore to what has been said but don't let it come between your brother and yourself.

Congratulations and I hope that you have a lovely celebration.