I am so upset with my brother am i unreasonable?

sj_jj

It is my graduation tomorrow and my brother has just told my dad he is not going because his fiance is sick. She is having morning sickness as she is 6 weeks pregnant. I understand its not pleasant but 2 girls at work do 13 hour shifts and vomit 3-4 times a day and they are early stages of pregnancy too. The graduation is only 40 from his house so not as if its the other side of the country. He hasnt even told me himself yet. Our mum passed away just over a year ago aswell so the day will be difficult enough without having the same support everyone else has. I have been crying all morning over this. AM i being unreasonable or should he be making the effort?

lalababa

<SNIP>

He probably doesn't realize what it means to you. Phone him up and have a chat. Ask him to come and tell him you'd like him to be there. Take it from there.

amdublin

Firstly, I am sorry about your mam.
Yes you are being unreasonable. I'd assume you are graduating from college which makes you an adult. People can't go to events all the time. You need to just accept this. Your dad will be there plus all your classmates from college. Congratulations and enjoy the day!

amdublin

Ps. What support do you need to graduate?

woodchuck

OP I can see both sides of the fence here. Obviously this is very important to you, especially as you'll be feeling the loss of your mother on that day.

However if your brothers pregnant fiance isn't well, then unfortunately that may need to take priority. It could be that it's not just regular morning sickness - I wouldn't pry for further information though.

Maybe once you've calmed down a bit, give your brother a call. Let him know how much it would mean for him to be there if at all possible. However don't give him a guilt trip. If he can't go, he can't go. It's unfortunate of course, but hopefully once you're there with your Dad and your friends you'll have a really good time anyway.

sj_jj

Yes people cant go for legitimate reasons, my other brother is taking time off work, this brother doesnt work he is only 40 drive away and hes choosing to stay home because his fiance has heartburn from morning sickness. its a rare occassion a once off and only a few hours and he still cant manage to be there for me. how would you feel if that was your brother

bee06

Graduation means different things to different people. There are 5 in my family and we’ve had 8 graduations between us and only our parents went. Maybe your brother sees it similarly.

Also, morning sickness is different for different people so I wouldn’t be using your work colleagues experience as a reason why he shouldn’t stay with his fiancée.

SusieBlue

Sorry but you are being unreasonable. It isn't a case of him not being arsed to make the effort, its a case of his fiancé being extremely unwell and needing to be looked after. He is her partner and he needs to prioritise her.

How the girls you work with cope with their morning sickness has absolutely no relevance, because it affects every woman differently.

I understand you feeling upset that your brother won't be there, but maybe you could meet him for a celebratory drink at a more convenient time for him?

My point is that I don't think there is any malice in his actions. He isn't being a bad brother, he's being a good partner. I don't think he's intentionally trying to hurt you, so there is no need to take it so personally.
I know you're disappointed by try to enjoy your day as best you can.

sj_jj

to me he was looking for a way out for the past few days. he kept asking how many tickets i got and was there any chance he wouldnt be let in etc. She has been sick all weekend yet he was up to visit my dad for 3 hours yesterday and all day saturday leaving her on her own. So if he could do that then why cant he give me 3 hours tomorrow

sj_jj

in addition, its monday morning how does he know she wont be better tonight or tomorrow morning. I mean he rang my dad at 7:30 this morning to tell him. How can he tell what she is going to be like the next day

sj_jj

sj_jj wrote: »

in addition, its monday morning how does he know she wont be better tonight or tomorrow morning. I mean he rang my dad at 7:30 this morning to tell him. How can he tell what she is going to be like the next day

If he doesn’t want to go, you should accept that. You’ve no right to his time, no right to demand anything from him and no right to act the way you are. He doesn’t want to be there. That’s the only thing you need to accept in relation to the reasons he’s given.

You don’t have to like it. But you can bet he wouldn’t like you being childish and throwing a tantrum instead of accepting that he’s excusing himself from attending.

Cockadoodledoo

Is there a friend/aunt/uncle who can go in his place?

Perhaps he finds it difficult taking the place of his mother. People react to grief in different ways and he might just be covering it up with illness. That’s his own business and I wouldn’t press it.

Go and enjoy the day, take a lovely picture with your dad and treasure that memory.

Don’t be bickering with siblings or it will upset your dad. Enjoy the day with him.

Congratulations on your achievement!

woodchuck

OP I wouldn't start splitting hairs about how sick she is or isn't. Everyones experience of pregnancy is different and I'm sure she doesn't want her private medical issues debated within the family. If your brother says he she's not well and he needs to look after her, that's the end of it.

However, when you do talk to him (when your emotions are less raw), maybe say to him if she's feeling better tomorrow that you'd love if he could make it and you'll keep a spare ticket aside from him. There really isn't anything more you can do about it though.

backspin.

SusieBlue wrote: »

Sorry but you are being unreasonable. It isn't a case of him not being arsed to make the effort, its a case of his fiancé being extremely unwell and needing to be looked after. He is her partner and he needs to prioritise her. n.

Extremely unwell, come on she has a bit of morning sickness.

valoren

OP, whatever his reasons for not going, it is none of your concern. He doesn't have to be there. He isn't going and while it's disappointing he can't tell you this himself and went through your dad, it's your graduation day. Celebrate your achievement. He will celebrate it with you in his own way hopefully and don't let either his passiveness or his wish to mind his ill partner affect your day. You've worked for it yourself. Look back on the commitment you've made to graduate, think of how proud your mother would be.

mirrorwall14

I’m going to be blunt here, it’s only a graduation. It might mean a lot to you but it’s not that for anyone else. People have other priorities in their lives and in this case his is this pregnancy. Whether you feel he was looking for a way out or not isn’t really relevant. You are the sibling, she is going to be his wife.

Honestly, I also think you are being a bit much talking about other women and pregnancies etc and comparing. How do you know they haven’t had a miscarriage in the past and are stressed to the hilt? Or even if she has started to bleed? It’s not something that’s talked about but it’s an unfortunate reality for many

Congrats on your graduation

SusieBlue

backspin. wrote: »

Extremely unwell, come on she has a bit of morning sickness.

Don't be so dismissive. Morning sickness can be extremely debilitating, especially over a sustained period of time.

Can you imagine feeling extreme nausea, dehydration, not being able to keep any food down & vomiting every few hours, while trying to grow a little baby?
For weeks on end? While trying work and function like a "normal" person?

Most people who have the vomiting bug call in sick to work, and stay in bed until it passes.
Imagine yourself going through up to 40 weeks of having the vomiting bug day in, day out, and you might a bit more sympathy for the OP's sister in law.

splinter65

sj_jj wrote: »

Yes people cant go for legitimate reasons, my other brother is taking time off work, this brother doesnt work he is only 40 drive away and hes choosing to stay home because his fiance has heartburn from morning sickness. its a rare occassion a once off and only a few hours and he still cant manage to be there for me. how would you feel if that was your brother

Speaking as someone who didn’t even attend my own graduation I think you are overreacting but I don’t really think it’s anything to do with tomorrow.
Your life is changing. You're left college, your working, your mother has died, your brother ,to whom you seem close, has shifted his priorities to his partner and his unborn baby, your graduation isn’t as important to him as it would have been even a year ago.
This is family life. It evolves and changes and we have to roll with it. Just enjoy the few hours with your other family and wish your brother and his fiancée well with the pregnancy.

Xterminator

Hi Op

you are deciding how sick his fiancee is and your comparing this to the morning sickness 2 other random workmates have. You do know some people are actually hospitalised due to morning sickness, and these is a range - not everyone is at the 'get over yourself' level

Just listen to yourself! you are being unreasonable. If he genuinely feels he cannot make it due to health of his partner you should tell him you will miss him but you understand.

Cockadoodledoo

OP perhaps ask your dad who HE would like to accompany him. It’s not going to be easy for him to attend an occasion without his wife/partner by his side. It’s an emotional time for him too. He might love to bring a close friend of his own, his own sibling or he might just be happy to go alone.

It’s going to be like running out the school door at the end with everyone looking for their parents. You will stand and take a few photos. Talk to your classmates, lecturers and then everyone will part ways. Don’t over think something that lasts a few hours.

wiggle16

You are being unreasonable, I'm afraid. It's natural to be disappointed but it's not reasonable to expect someone to attend when they have given a legitimate reason not to.

As Woodchuck pointed out, morning sickness may be a polite excuse for something more serious. Don't push the point or prod. Your brother is not skipping your graduation just because he's not arsed going. You would be making an issue of this where there need not be one.

As an aside, very few universities allow more than two guests. I only know of one that does, actually. I would double check that you would be allowed 3 guests to accompany you before inviting 3. I've worked graduations and a two guest policy is very strict where it's in place, we had to turn people away where the student invited more than the allowed amount and there was literally no room for exceptions.

LegacyUser

Myself and my brother have had 2 graduations each as we both did MAs - I didn't go to either of his and vice versa. Why would I go? Great for him to graduate but I didn't need to be there for the actual ceremony.

We lost my dad between two of them so my mum brought one of her friends to my brothers and my uncle to mine. We had a meal before hand and then I went out with friends afterwards so not sure why you you want him to come. I agree with earlier post that you should ask your dad who he wants to go with him as he won't have his wife with him.

If it's super important to you OP that your brother go then you need to explain that to him but except that he may still not want to go and make your choice from there how you want to deal with it.

sj_jj

I appreciate and understand all of your points however I feel let down as its a massive achievement for me and my brother also let me down last week for another award I won. My dad also lied to me today as I overheard the conversation on the phone about my bro not going but then he asked me what time we were going and said we are meeting him at such a place, when I said I thought he wasnt going he completely stumbled and played dumb. That hurt that my own dad lied to me face.

On another level yes I appreciate she is sick, but this is a massive day for me and a painful day in light of not having my mum. My brother has been away from her most the weekend visiting my dad and when he rang me earlier he was out shopping 40 minutes away so she cant be that bad as hes making out if hes away from her for hours at a time. Hence why Im hurt and let down that he cant give me two hours tomorrow to meet us after the ceremony to take photos. Im not asking a lot in the grand scheme of things yet I feel like everyone on here thinks im asking to leave someone on their deathbed.

.......

I think you are being totally unreasonable.

You are not the centre of the universe. People have other things going on in their lives. Its nice that you have graduated and achieved an academic goal but it doesnt require every family member to go and watch the ceremony.

Your brother has decided to prioritise his partner and unborn baby over watching you take part in a ceremony that you dont need him there for. In life sometimes people choose not to go to things. Sometimes they make excuses that are simply that, excuses. You picking apart his excuse and dismissing his partners morning sickness is really very petty. Would it make you happier if he told you he wasnt going because he doesnt want to? Or that he wasnt going because in fact his partner is sicker than he has let on? Why should he have to justify himself to you at all?

People are lying to you because you are being difficult over nothing.

Go and enjoy your day and stop being so nasty about someone who is not going.

sj_jj

....... wrote: »

People are lying to you because you are being difficult over nothing.

that makes no sense. How and why would my dad lie to me? None of my family know how I feel so me being secretly "difficult" does not warrant or excuse a parent lying

Springfields

sj_jj wrote: »

to me he was looking for a way out for the past few days. he kept asking how many tickets i got and was there any chance he wouldnt be let in etc. She has been sick all weekend yet he was up to visit my dad for 3 hours yesterday and all day saturday leaving her on her own. So if he could do that then why cant he give me 3 hours tomorrow

Well take the hint then and acknowledge that he doesn't want to attend for whatever reason. You might not like it but you can't force him to attend. It's disappointing but such is life.

Neyite

You seem very indifferent and dismissive about a massive life event he has going on at the moment. Maybe he feels likewise about your important life event too?



I didn't attend any of my sibling's graduations. One sibling came to mine but that was just because my parents couldn't attend. It's usually just parents that go to the ceremony itself and the rest of the family might join in later to celebrate. So it's not the norm to have an entire family take time off work to go.



Sorry but I think you are being unreasonable.

witchgirl26

OP I can understand both sides to a degree here.

You really want your brother there due the fact that it's important to you and you've lost your mam so want the support of family around you. However you can't demand he be there or get annoyed if he decides not to - for whatever reason. My dad was dying of cancer when I graduated college and I didn't ask any of my siblings to attend my graduation. I asked my godfather so that my mam would have someone to sit with during it and not be alone but that was more for her than me. At the end of the day, the graduation isn't the big thing - it's the work put in before hand. My partner, mam and sister did attend my professional qualification graduation - I really wanted my mam and partner there and my sister offered as she worked in town near where it was and didn't have anything on that evening. Neither of my brothers went and honestly it wouldn't have made a diff if my sister hadn't been able to make it either (though it was nice that she was there).

On your brothers side, you don't get to judge how sick his partner is or feels. If the graduation is in the morning, maybe that's when it's the worst for her. He could have been away during the afternoon while she was sleeping or napping and it's eased off a bit. I'm currently 15 weeks and my sickness was always in the evening. I didn't throw up much but god I've never felt that ill in my life! I really needed my OH there some of those times to just try to help make me feel better. And it's made worse that early by not a lot of people knowing you're pregnant so you're having to put a face on everytime you're out of the house. And that takes a lot of energy.

Look it's not unreasonable that you feel a bit hurt that your brother's priorities have shifted and you're no longer as high on his list as you may have been. Course you will and that's ok. But it is unreasonable to be over annoyed about it all.

And as for your dad - maybe he was just trying to keep the peace or maybe he'd been trying to see can your brother come after all. And as for the pictures, I had to take the ones with my dad in my living room the night before with a fake cert rolled up because he wasn't allowed attend the ceremony (too much risk of infection). I'll be honest, I've looked at those photos only once or twice in my life.

K_P

OP, I'm sorry you're feeling let down by your brother and about your father lying.

When my father died a few years ago, my family all held it together while he was ill and for the funeral. And as soon as that was over we nearly tore each other apart with anger for months on end. I was the worst with it to be honest. I can look back now and see how awful I was being, how every minor issue became a life-or-death argument, how vicious I was to my sibling, how I thought my mother was abandoning me by taking his side in an argument. We were all pretty bad with each other, but I was definitely the worst.

It was anger at losing my father, feeling utterly bereft and abandoned, fury at the unfairness of it all. My grief took the form of anger. I cried and cried over fights I had with my family, because it was somehow easier to feel angry - there's an energy and righteousness you can feel when you're riled up about a slight. Easier to feel angry than it was to admit my heart was broken over losing my father. So I pushed the sadness away and picked a fight wherever I could and spent a year fuelled by anger.

You sound like I did back then. You're in a horrible painful place and I'm so sorry OP. Your father, your brother, you. Every one of you is doing their best in absolutely **** circumstances. You're talking about your father lying to you. It seems like you caught him out in a white lie which he was saying in an attempt to try and keep some peace. Your brother may be prioritising his fiancee and looking forward to his new family over his existing family. That doesn't mean he's abandoned you even if it feels like it. He's dealing with his own grief and pain as best he can and he's not acting how he is to try and hurt you.

Please try and enjoy your day with your father. Celebrate it with him, remember your mother, painful as that may be and be kind to yourself, your dad and your siblings,

.......

sj_jj wrote: »

that makes no sense. How and why would my dad lie to me? None of my family know how I feel so me being secretly "difficult" does not warrant or excuse a parent lying

Why do YOU think your father is lying to you?

From what you have posted it looks as thought its rather than deal with you having a tantrum about your brother not going your father is not going to mention it and then by the time you "find out" the ceremony will be over.

Perhaps you have form for being difficult when people dont behave as you want them to?

Ursus Horribilis

Are you sore that your brother has prioritised his new family (partner/unborn child) over his old one? There seems to be a lot of resentment there.

Like many other people here, I didn't go to my siblings' graduations and they didn't come to mine. Why should they? It was a nice day out for my parents who'd paid for it but that's it. To me, you're making a big deal out of this. It's only a graduation, not a life changing event. They're actually quite boring if the truth be told. If you've built it up in your head in the way I think you have, you're going to be disappointed.