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I need someones help - Moderator warning Post #1

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    #32
    Sarah mac
    Closed Accounts Posts: 30 ✭Sarah mac


    Rubberchikken wrote: »
    Even people in rural ireland can and do use tje internet.
    If youre genuine then protecting your kid and yourself is the priority not spending time on an internet forum.
    Youve been given advice and contact details and if this guy is as bad as you say then get away from him.
    I am gone I left the night it happened. I should have left sooner. I'm here while she is asleep asking. I used Facebook until I deactivated it. My life is incredibley demanding and as hard as it may be to believe I don't have interest in the internet 99% of the time. Technology was never my thing. Given I worked with my hands. I was the one who hit him and doing that has messed my head up completely. All I wanted was some genuine help. But everyone thinks I'm either lying or wasting my time asking. It's a sad world we live in


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    #33
    Sarah mac
    Closed Accounts Posts: 30 ✭Sarah mac


    Outlaw Pete wrote: »
    Assuming all you said is true, I wouldn't be overly judgmental of yourself as you have just had a baby and your father being ill, and having to care for him, is a lot to cope with, without the added pressure of living with a drug user who's not supporting you.

    You're a woman with a young baby and there is lots of help out there for you, I suggest taking it. Maybe down the line, if the father of your baby gets clean you can make a go of it again.

    Everything I said is true. I'm not one bit proud admitting I slapped him.. Thank you for your reply it's calm and logical. He wasn't using drugs when I met him you see he's not actually a bad guy. I don't want it to sound that way. But more so he's a victim of circumstance. And as for me well on poster said about postnatal depression and to be honest I'm starting to think I do. Thanks


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    #34
    Sarah mac
    Closed Accounts Posts: 30 ✭Sarah mac


    Roger Hassenforder wrote: »
    Your OP is a cry for help. I wonder were you looking after your dad on your own? Did it all fell on your shoulders, then unplanned (if you wanted an abortion i presume) pregnancy. Go see your GP, take small steps

    You're worthy of whomever will love you. No one is " too good", but ye might not be good for each other.

    I look after my dad alone. Which is a very complicated situation seen as he was an alcoholic for years and battered me my mam and brother. And I didn't talk to him like I say I was off living my life I felt responSible to look after him when he got sick because nobody else was there and hes family and he wudnt go into a nursing home. But truth be told I should never have done it because he has taken total advantage of me and part of the reason my relationship is wrecked. He caused several arguments between us


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    #35
    Roger Hassenforder
    Closed Accounts Posts: 8,555 ✭✭✭Roger Hassenforder


    Sarah mac wrote: »
    I look after my dad alone. Which is a very complicated situation seen as he was an alcoholic for years and battered me my mam and brother. And I didn't talk to him like I say I was off living my life I felt responSible to look after him when he got sick because nobody else was there and hes family and he wudnt go into a nursing home. But truth be told I should never have done it because he has taken total advantage of me and part of the reason my relationship is wrecked. He caused several arguments between us

    Your mom possibly now probably resents you looking after him so.
    Theres no right way or wrong way in this, only the way you feel is best. It might be time to loosen ties slightly with the auld lad. If he is largely the cause of all this rancour. You and your baby are your priority. Thats who you need to start taking care of. Get a bit more selfish.


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    #36
    wellwhynot
    Registered Users Posts: 280 ✭✭wellwhynot


    Op it sound like he gas lighted you. Either way this relationship is not good for your baby so you need to stay out of it. Please register on Mumsnet.com and post there


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    #37
    OldMrBrennan83
    Closed Accounts Posts: 26,658 ✭✭✭✭OldMrBrennan83


    dartboardio wrote: »
    He sounds violent and aggressive even though you slapped him it sounds like he’s emotionally abusive towards you, which leads to you lashing out, the whole relationship is toxic. You need to get out of there for yourself and babys sake. You will be much better off. Do you have family you can stay with while you work on moving all your belongings out?

    You can’t stay in a relationship like this with a baby around. The violence and arguments will get worse. The guards will be called, there’ll be blood eventually.

    Sorry to hear you’re having an awful time, fingers crossed it won’t be too long until you’re out. Hope you find the courage soon x

    "He's violent but when you hit him it's his own fault for making you".

    Presumably for no other reason than he has a mickey. You lot are so dangerous.


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    #38
    Zorya
    Closed Accounts Posts: 2,194 ✭✭✭Zorya


    Sarah mac wrote: »
    I clicked the wrong button I think I clicked report on your comment. What will happen if I ring them I'm 23 I'm clueless about babies and the system

    You are 23, you are not clueless or too young to know what's going on, you are perfectly able to take responsibility for yourself. Stop looking for reasons to abdicate your own responsibility. Women always used to have children young, early twenties was normal a few decades ago, and those women didn't go around thinking they were clueless - they stopped being adolescents and put someone else ahead of their own personal drama and hysterics.

    Quit worrying about the couple of slaps you gave him - Jaysis, if someone - man, women or beast - produced slashhooks and whatever and were beating their fists and threatening to kill me, and I with a small baby in my care, they'd be very lucky indeed if they got off with a couple of slaps! You are being manipulated to feel shame about it. Drop it.

    Basically, as rough as it sounds, and I'm sorry but I can't go in for indulging this kind of shyte, you are to grow up FAST and cop on and stop cultivating drama in your life. You yourself are way behind in the list of priorities now - you have a tiny baby who depends on you completely, she is the most important one now. Do not put her in danger, from him, from yourself, from anyone.

    Sorry to be blunt.


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    #39
    Shenshen
    Moderators, Recreation & Hobbies Moderators Posts: 9,453 Mod ✭✭✭✭Shenshen


    Patww79 wrote: »
    "He's violent but when you hit him it's his own fault for making you".

    Presumably for no other reason than he has a mickey. You lot are so dangerous.

    I'd say more because he brought out hammers and slash hooks....

    There's no doubt in my mind that slapping anyone is assault, but I would agree with other posters that by the sounds of it, aggression in this relationship came from both sides.

    OP, get in touch with the resources already posted to get yourself and your child in a more stable situation.
    Then think about what you want to do about your relationship. If you find you do want to continue it, get counseling together.
    Slash hooks, drugs and slapping WILL end with flashing blue lights and yellow tape at your front door.


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    #40
    Buford T. Justice XIX
    Closed Accounts Posts: 20,633 ✭✭✭✭Buford T. Justice XIX


    Sarah mac wrote: »
    Hey everyone, I'm posting because I've been with my fiance and year and a half now.we have a nine week old baby. During that time my parents were going through a rough divoice and I had to leave my Job and house to care for my terminally I'll father. Anyway I got pregant. And moved in with partner. We had been arguing on and off during the pregnancy about trival things mostly. But at the start for six weeks I wanted an aboration. And he didn't. I had a horrific labour and won't even go there with details of what happened in the hospital. When I got out early everything seemed to change. My partner began drinking regular and taken drugs. I know I should have left. But I also new his buttons I new the things to say that would wind him up just as much as he did with me. One thing lead to another and a few weeks back he lost it while drinking and began banging his fists threatening to kill me slapping doors and screaming. It wasn't really all his fault I think he had a nervous breakdown down this went on for a few days and he even brought a slash hooks and hammers out. But he never layed a hand on me. I decided to forgive him or so I thought until a few nights out our plans for our first night out since I had the baby went wrong. I ended up leaving the house telling him someone around here will love me.and having 2 pints ( I was drunk its been a year) when I came back up he had drank a bottle of whiskey and proceeded to tell me my mother was texting him and sending xs I snapped the phone and rang her and she told me about the flirty texts he sent her. Which he deleted. Next thing I new I had slapped him smashed a glass and thew his phone across the floor. I legged it and started packing my things He came back and kept roaring at me to hit him so I did I slapped him the second time. I left after that. I absolutely hate myself and I've rang my GP for the morning to get help. I've never layed hand on anyone and never reacted to his outbursts before. I can't believe I done it and I can't forgive myself. The insane thing is he said given everything he wants to sort things that he knows I'm not a violent person and he loves me. But I don't feel like I deserve that chance and I think he should leave me. I had no right and I can't justify it no matter what. I feel like I should let him move on with his life recover and meet someone better that would never do that. Please help me. Do I take the chance I've been given or what do I do. Thanks ��
    Mod note: Hi, OP, I'm going to close this thread for a little while and move it to a more appropriate forum for this discussion.



    For everyone, please note the change of forum and new forum rules,


    Buford T. Justice


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    #41
    Big Bag of Chips
    Administrators Posts: 13,855 Admin ✭✭✭✭✭Big Bag of Chips


    Thread re-opened. All posters are reminded to abide by the Relationship Issues Charter.

    Any breaches will result in a card or ban.


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    #42
    Gael23
    Registered Users Posts: 12,091 ✭✭✭✭Gael23


    I think social services should be involved here. There is a young baby stick in the middle of this toxic mess and that’s not on. They will also assist you in care for your father.


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    #43
    dellas1979
    Closed Accounts Posts: 4,128 ✭✭✭dellas1979


    To me, what you did sounds like a cry for help.

    You were under duress and stress. They are not excuses for hitting someone. But they are reasons. And reasons can be forgiven and worked on.

    Youve come from an unstable home background. And are now living (again) what you are used to.

    You need to figure out if this is good enough for you and the baby.

    Youre stressed to the eyeballs, he is going around with hooks or something. A few sweet words of "im sorrys" and "I wont do it again" isnt going to work here.

    I would suggest you and your partner at least stay apart for a while. Find somewhere safe to stay. You work on your issues (gp/councelling). And he works on his.

    You asked earlier how someone could spot that youve low self esteem. Well, you are willing to put up with a toxic situation. Helping to enable it. That is a sign you dont value you or your life a lot.

    Its not that complicated. Even when there is a lot going on. There is only one question really: Do you want better for yourself?


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    #44
    dartboardio
    Registered Users Posts: 2,436 ✭✭✭dartboardio


    Patww79 wrote: »
    "He's violent but when you hit him it's his own fault for making you".

    Presumably for no other reason than he has a mickey. You lot are so dangerous.

    Excuse me? Did you miss the part of the OPs original post where she said her partner was drinking regularly, taking drugs, and banging his fists on doors threatening to kill her? He had a hammer out? Way before she smashed a petty glass....

    If my partner was acting this way it’s a lot more than a slap on the face I’d give him. OP sounds vulnerable.


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    #45
    Sarah mac
    Closed Accounts Posts: 30 ✭Sarah mac


    Patww79 wrote: »
    "He's violent but when you hit him it's his own fault for making you".

    Presumably for no other reason than he has a mickey. You lot are so dangerous.
    I do not look at it that way hitting someone is wrong regardless of gender age religion race situation. It was wrong.


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    #46
    Sarah mac
    Closed Accounts Posts: 30 ✭Sarah mac


    Zorya wrote: »
    You are 23, you are not clueless or too young to know what's going on, you are perfectly able to take responsibility for yourself. Stop looking for reasons to abdicate your own responsibility. Women always used to have children young, early twenties was normal a few decades ago, and those women didn't go around thinking they were clueless - they stopped being adolescents and put someone else ahead of their own personal drama and hysterics.

    Quit worrying about the couple of slaps you gave him - Jaysis, if someone - man, women or beast - produced slashhooks and whatever and were beating their fists and threatening to kill me, and I with a small baby in my care, they'd be very lucky indeed if they got off with a couple of slaps! You are being manipulated to feel shame about it. Drop it.

    Basically, as rough as it sounds, and I'm sorry but I can't go in for indulging this kind of shyte, you are to grow up FAST and cop on and stop cultivating drama in your life. You yourself are way behind in the list of priorities now - you have a tiny baby who depends on you completely, she is the most important one now. Do not put her in danger, from him, from yourself, from anyone.

    Sorry to be blunt.
    Women decades ago Had babies younger yes. But they had groups of women more often than not including there mothers around them. I never held a baby in my f**king life never mind cared for one!!!!!!! I have put my daughter first in actual fact and if only you knew what was involved in
    Doing that you wouldn't have said such a thing. Drama and hysterics is what you consider my situation. I stopped been a child when I was four years old when I witnessed a lifetime of abuse. People like you maken people like me afraid to ask for help and so we end up in worse situations cause we constantly feel to blame and have nowhere to turn. I have nobody in my life I can turn To. And I only dream of the day my life will be normal and stable and healthy. Me coming here was a step towards that. So thanks for your really hurtful useless and quote honestly clueless comment. I hope you or nobody you know ever has to go through similare or worse. As the old saying goes I hope it doesn't come knocking at your own door.


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    #47
    Sarah mac
    Closed Accounts Posts: 30 ✭Sarah mac


    dartboardio wrote: »
    Excuse me? Did you miss the part of the OPs original post where she said her partner was drinking regularly, taking drugs, and banging his fists on doors threatening to kill her? He had a hammer out? Way before she smashed a petty glass....

    If my partner was acting this way it’s a lot more than a slap on the face I’d give him. OP sounds vulnerable.
    Thanks for standing up for me. He is right though but what he hasn't realised I feel worse hitting him than if he hit me. It's more seen as norm common and almost acceptable if a man hits a woman not the other way around. I don't think anyone made me do it. My hands my fault.I think he's been harsh though because i didnt come down on my partner because he's male even after the things he done to me.


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    #48
    Sarah mac
    Closed Accounts Posts: 30 ✭Sarah mac


    Shenshen wrote: »
    I'd say more because he brought out hammers and slash hooks....

    There's no doubt in my mind that slapping anyone is assault, but I would agree with other posters that by the sounds of it, aggression in this relationship came from both sides.

    OP, get in touch with the resources already posted to get yourself and your child in a more stable situation.
    Then think about what you want to do about your relationship. If you find you do want to continue it, get counseling together.
    Slash hooks, drugs and slapping WILL end with flashing blue lights and yellow tape at your front door.

    Thank you for the advice. Like I no the situation was awful and I allowed it to get that way and I did assault him by hitting him. I think I was beyond control even.


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    #49
    Sarah mac
    Closed Accounts Posts: 30 ✭Sarah mac


    Roger Hassenforder wrote: »
    Your mom possibly now probably resents you looking after him so.
    Theres no right way or wrong way in this, only the way you feel is best. It might be time to loosen ties slightly with the auld lad. If he is largely the cause of all this rancour. You and your baby are your priority. Thats who you need to start taking care of. Get a bit more selfish.

    My mother doesnt want me here your spot on about that.You know what you wouldn't be the first person to tell me loosen those ties. It's like you get it. I'm taking care of her best I can. Not so good at taken care of me. Thank you


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    #50
    Sarah mac
    Closed Accounts Posts: 30 ✭Sarah mac


    dellas1979 wrote: »
    To me, what you did sounds like a cry for help.

    You were under duress and stress. They are not excuses for hitting someone. But they are reasons. And reasons can be forgiven and worked on.

    Youve come from an unstable home background. And are now living (again) what you are used to.

    You need to figure out if this is good enough for you and the baby.

    Youre stressed to the eyeballs, he is going around with hooks or something. A few sweet words of "im sorrys" and "I wont do it again" isnt going to work here.

    I would suggest you and your partner at least stay apart for a while. Find somewhere safe to stay. You work on your issues (gp/councelling). And he works on his.

    You asked earlier how someone could spot that youve low self esteem. Well, you are willing to put up with a toxic situation. Helping to enable it. That is a sign you dont value you or your life a lot.

    Its not that complicated. Even when there is a lot going on. There is only one question really: Do you want better for yourself?

    I find it really hard to give up on my family no matter what. I probably would be in another flat or housing assisted if it wasn't for that. I just think I'm loyal and I don't know when to walk away and I've always forgiven people so many times. Thanks for your reply it does make sense i need to sort things out. It's more serious with r a baby that's why I'm trying to solve it


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    #51
    Sarah mac
    Closed Accounts Posts: 30 ✭Sarah mac


    Just to update everyone. I went to the doctor today and there is a multiude of things going on I've a serious kidney infection that has been there a long time and travelled. I've also been put on tablets for my stomack. There's a chance I've an undrractive thyroid and my iron levels are low ( I am usually on iron supplements but stopped taken them) anyway my doctor also thinks i have post natal depression and she is sorting out counselling and possibly medication once my health is better for me. I am going to work on getting my own house near my dad so I can still care for him and keep a distance. I have contacted my ex and told him we need a good mutual agreement for our babys sake and to be civil but for the foreseeable future we can't have a relationship. Thank you to everyone for helping me and advising me. I hope I can move forward now anyway.


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    #52
    Roger Hassenforder
    Closed Accounts Posts: 8,555 ✭✭✭Roger Hassenforder


    Best of luck Sarah


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    #53
    Zorya
    Closed Accounts Posts: 2,194 ✭✭✭Zorya


    Sarah mac wrote: »
    Women decades ago Had babies younger yes. But they had groups of women more often than not including there mothers around them. I never held a baby in my f**king life never mind cared for one!!!!!!! I have put my daughter first in actual fact and if only you knew what was involved in
    Doing that you wouldn't have said such a thing. Drama and hysterics is what you consider my situation. I stopped been a child when I was four years old when I witnessed a lifetime of abuse. People like you maken people like me afraid to ask for help and so we end up in worse situations cause we constantly feel to blame and have nowhere to turn. I have nobody in my life I can turn To. And I only dream of the day my life will be normal and stable and healthy. Me coming here was a step towards that. So thanks for your really hurtful useless and quote honestly clueless comment. I hope you or nobody you know ever has to go through similare or worse. As the old saying goes I hope it doesn't come knocking at your own door.

    As someone who had her first child at 21 with zero family support, and who has been through some serious crap in my time, stuff people hardly believe when they know, I said what I said because sometimes a swift kick and a hard shake to wake up is way better than any truck load of sympathy.

    My comments you may find some day were not useless. Life is tough, We have to be tougher.

    Best of luck to you.


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