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How do I get out of this?

t1h9mgqsxopj0r

I am in a bit of a situation that I know myself I don't think I can get out of, but I am hoping someone can help me or even defuse the situation. A bit of a backstory, recently split up with my ex due to no choice of my own. I took a loan out for him, I though I was helping him in a time of need. Generosity and kindness are my weakness and possibly stupidity. It's been 3 weeks I haven't heard one word from him since I left the house. Not one message or phone call in regards to anything, Im pretty sure he has blocked me. It's been three weeks of absolute hell for me. Anger, sadness, confusion, you name it. My ex and I were living together and engaged. He has a child in which I come to love and adore. I spent so much time with his kid that I ended up adopting the routine of the way they are in their mother's home. Feeding, naps, changing of clothes etc. He rarely asked me too but I was more than happy to help. I think I helped too much. The mother however, didn't know squat about me. She didn't know he had moved on, gotten engaged, lives with me and has me around their child all the time. I asked more than a few times why she never knew me and when she will be told, I was always told soon and left it at that. I come to find out, three weeks later through the grapevine, that he has been told he has to pay more than what was paying towards maintenance and I also found out, he was hardly contributing towards other things in the baby's life. I was under the assumption that he had everything under control in that area but I always offered to help in any way I can so he was never stuck. My ex works full time so he has a steady wage. He is a great father towards the child when they are around which was 3 times week. He was always on time picking his child up and dropping home. The loan, the baby and I'm pretty sure he stole other money from me as well. I can't prove that. My ex was always around his baby's mother, collecting her from her home and other places and dropping her home. I would be sat at home waiting for him so we could have dinner, among the list of verbal and mental abuse that I also received. There is a long long list of things he has said and done but the bottom of it all, he owes me money. I have to spend the next 5 years looking at money go out of my account. I gave him the money through cash and bank transfer. It was a hefty loan. My friends and family are adamant I should tell the baby's mother everything to frighten him into paying me back. I don't know what to do. I don't want to be petty about it. I have been to legal advice and they said, with no solid proof to him agreeing with a loan, I have no case. What should I do? I really don't want to spend the next 5 years living with a loan that I didn't even see a penny of.

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judeboy101

<SNIP>
If you gave the money to him as a "gift" he maybe has tax implications so start by threatening him with revenue.

t1h9mgqsxopj0r

judeboy101 wrote: »

If you gave the money to him as a "gift" he maybe has tax implications so start by threatening him with revenue.

Speaking of revenue, the wrote to him saying he owes extra money towards maintenance. If I tell revenue about the situation with the loan? Would that affect him? I don’t want to make it easy for him but I’m sure he’s already fuming over having to pay extra so me reporting that, will that have a major effect?

Addle

Revenue wouldn't issue such correspondence.

suicide_circus

have you spoken to a solicitor?

t1h9mgqsxopj0r

suicide_circus wrote: »

have you spoken to a solicitor?

Yeah. They said legally I haven’t anything to stand on. There was no written proof that he has asked me for a loan or agreed to pay me back. The loan is under my name so as far as everyone else can see, he doesn’t have anything to do with it. My bank just sees it as a loan I applied for and anything after that is really my problem. I’m stupid, I know but I just want my money back off him so I can just get on with things

banie01

Hayley High Cube wrote: »

Yeah. They said legally I haven’t anything to stand on. There was no written proof that he has asked me for a loan or agreed to pay me back. The loan is under my name so as far as everyone else can see, he doesn’t have anything to do with it. My bank just sees it as a loan I applied for and anything after that is really my problem. I’m stupid, I know but I just want my money back off him so I can just get on with things

If you have no signed IOU or acknowledgement of the debt by your Ex, you unfortunately have no legal recourse to force him to repay.
You can ask him to do the right thing, but it will be quite hard to force him to.

t1h9mgqsxopj0r

banie01 wrote: »

If you have no signed IOU or acknowledgement of the debt by your Ex, you unfortunately have no legal recourse to force him to repay.
You can ask him to do the right thing, but it will be quite hard to force him to.

That’s exactly what I thought myself. I knew when he threw me out that I was going to have problems getting the money back. He doesn’t know how to do anything right. Between throwing things and verbally attaking me, I’m pretty sure if I went to confront him, I wouldn’t be walking. That’s how nasty he is.

judeboy101

Hayley High Cube wrote: »

Speaking of revenue, the wrote to him saying he owes extra money towards maintenance. If I tell revenue about the situation with the loan? Would that affect him? I don’t want to make it easy for him but I’m sure he’s already fuming over having to pay extra so me reporting that, will that have a major effect?

16k is threshold beyond that and its 33% CAT. But that's assuming you had a "relationship" which revenue will have to determine. It's a tough one OP, if you gave him more than 16k tell revenue, less, tell the baby momma and think it money well spent to get the scumbag. out of ur life.

t1h9mgqsxopj0r

judeboy101 wrote: »

16k is threshold beyond that and its 33% CAT. But that's assuming you had a "relationship" which revenue will have to determine. It's a tough one OP, if you gave him more than 16k tell revenue, less, tell the baby momma and think it money well spent to get the scumbag. out of ur life.

Yeah? We were engaged so there was nothing in our names as we lived in his parents house. Friends and family are adamant to tell the mother, make him suffer that way but god only knows what the consequences will be. I’m actually stuck.

Addle

Revenue wouldn't issue such correspondence.

t1h9mgqsxopj0r

Addle wrote: »

Revenue wouldn't issue such correspondence.

I can’t imagine them listening to what I have to say and then they agree with me. Legally, I’m rightly f&€ked

LollipopJimmy

Hayley High Cube wrote: »

I can’t imagine them listening to what I have to say and then they agree with me. Legally, I’m rightly f&€ked

You lived with his parents? Tell them

t1h9mgqsxopj0r

LollipopJimmy wrote: »

You lived with his parents? Tell them

I did. They were shocked and said they would speak to him. Next time I spoke to his parents, they said that he didn’t want my name mentioned in the house again and it was the end of conversation. I was fuming when I was told this. His parents are afraid to confront him. Again, he’s nasty and controlling. My ex doesn’t know how to have a conversation without screaming and shouting so his parents barely mentioned the loan and verbally attacked them by demanding my name never to be mentioned. His parents can’t do much else

spaceHopper

If it's 3000 or less there is no tax implications even if you report him it won't do you any good in fact it could make it harder for him to pay you back. Write him a letter asking for the money back. Chances are he's bad with money and you'll never see it again. Why couldn't he get a loan on his own bad credit score? Look at it as a life lesson.

t1h9mgqsxopj0r

spaceHopper wrote: »

If it's 3000 or less there is no tax implications even if you report him it won't do you any good in fact it could make it harder for him to pay you back. Write him a letter asking for the money back. Chances are he's bad with money and you'll never see it again. Why couldn't he get a loan on his own bad credit score? Look at it as a life lesson.

I was told by the solicitor as well to write a letter. It’ll be some form of proof that I asked for it back. Not much proof but sure. He’s not bad with money at all. In fact when I left, his parents told me that the weekly money I had been giving him towards rent, hadn’t been paid in about a month. I also found money in the wardrope when I was packing my clothes. The day I left the house I found out he was hiding money from me. I was under the assumption that the rent money I gave was being handed up straight away. Stupidity at its finest right here. All in good faith and get it thrown in my face

Edit: He had me believing that he had loans already and wasn’t allowed to apply for another loan

t1h9mgqsxopj0r

spaceHopper wrote: »

If it's 3000 or less there is no tax implications even if you report him it won't do you any good in fact it could make it harder for him to pay you back. Write him a letter asking for the money back. Chances are he's bad with money and you'll never see it again. Why couldn't he get a loan on his own bad credit score? Look at it as a life lesson.

The loan was 3,000. It’s not a lot to some people but to me, it’s money that I shouldn’t need to be paying off. The whole 3,000 was for him and I didn’t so much as get a packet of Tayto out of it

MissShihTzu

Write that letter through your solicitor. Tell his baby mama. If he pays? Happy days - Well and good. However, I would not count on seeing that money. Your ex is pure scum. He's played you and the baby mama for fools. I would bet good money he was flitting back and forth between the pair of you the whole time. Why else did he not tell her about you? And what (and who!) else is he hiding??

Chalk it up to bitter experience and move on. And NEVER give money to a man again! No matter how much he pleads and begs. Let him sink or swim on his own.

wiggle16

I agree with the sentiment above about moving on, apart from the singular fact of the loan. You loaned him €3000. That's huge money. Do not just chalk that up to experience. Pursue it. He has conned you out of money and even if there is no hope of getting it back I would tell the baby's mother.

Telling the baby's mother is not petty. He conned you out of €3000. Nothing you do to make life more difficult for him is petty.

Write the letter as the solicitor suggested.

As another poster has said, Revenue would not issue a letter saying that he owes money towards maintenance. They would not care about that. Revenue are only interested in collecting tax due on his income.

t1h9mgqsxopj0r

MissShihTzu wrote: »

Write that letter through your solicitor. Tell his baby mama. If he pays? Happy days - Well and good. However, I would not count on seeing that money. Your ex is pure scum. He's played you and the baby mama for fools. I would bet good money he was flitting back and forth between the pair of you the whole time. Why else did he not tell her about you? And what (and who!) else is he hiding??

Chalk it up to bitter experience and move on. And NEVER give money to a man again! No matter how much he pleads and begs. Let him sink or swim on his own.

I had ideas during the relationship if he was hiding me for the purpose of keeping his baby’s mother in the equation. After I left and thought about it, I was starting to question if it was a case of those two just being a on a break because they would constantly text, not about the baby either. I had no qualms with her and those two texting but sometimes it was nerve wreaking. I was never in the loop with anything. I was basically told to not being the issue up in terms of telling her anything. My ex would drop me around the corner of her house and I would stupidly think I was doing him a favour. As for the sink or swim, knowing him, he will still do better than I am. He won’t see that he’s done anything wrong

t1h9mgqsxopj0r

wiggle16 wrote: »

I agree with the sentiment above about moving on, apart from the singular fact of the loan. You loaned him €3000. That's huge money. Do not just chalk that up to experience. Pursue it. He has conned you out of money and even if there is no hope of getting it back I would tell the baby's mother.

Telling the baby's mother is not petty. He conned you out of €3000. Nothing you do to make life more difficult for him is petty.

Write the letter as the solicitor suggested.

As another poster has said, Revenue would not issue a letter saying that he owes money towards maintenance. They would not care about that. Revenue are only interested in collecting tax due on his income.

I’m leaning towards the letter myself. I’ll be copying it. He would be smart enough to throw it away and claim he never received it. My ex always knows how to talk himself out of situations.
My main question would be, how do I tell the mother? Do I keep it short and simple? Do I tell her absolutely everything including being around her child and him taking money off of me? Also if I do tell her, what way would I expect her reaction to be?

leggo

I’m a bit confused...what are we hoping for from telling his ex? That she’ll give out to him or shame him around the community by telling others? Or that she’ll pay the money back herself? Or is it just a way of sticking the knife in? I might be missing something, but unless you feel she has a power over him that others don’t, I don’t see anything to be gained by going this route and it sounds like a lot of drama for minimal gain. He can simply shrug you off as a crazy person he dated briefly who he dumped and is bitter and trying to mess with him. If his parents got absolutely nowhere I doubt she will either.

Is there no text correspondence acknowledging the loan? How about bank records or did you take it out in cash when you got the €3000 and handed it over? If you got the loan then bank transferred it all to him then there’s proof right there, if you’ve got text correspondence acknowledging it it’s nailed on. If not, then he’s done his homework and there’s nothing more to really be done except writing it off as experience and moving on. Sorry this happened to you OP, that absolutely sucks.

pc7

I’d send the letter saying you want repayment of the loan (ideally if your solicitor sends it on headed paper).

As for telling his ex, don’t. If he’s how you describe he’ll weasel his way out of it, being his ex she likely knows what he’s like but seems to be CO-parenting well with him, for the child’s sake don’t cause drama. Close the door, try get your money and just block him on all platforms and move on. From how you described it you’ve had a lucky escape.

lawred2

Sounds the exact opposite of a "great Dad"

Either way, a solicitor needs to handle this. But at the end of it all you are legally responsible for repaying that loan.

seamusk84

Unfortunately there is no easy way out of this situation for you.

I would suggest posting an official letter to him. Make it sound official with wording like -

“Failure to repay the funds will lead me to pursue a legal route. Please initiate a bank transfer for the entire amount outstanding by the 31st of December 2018. By doing this I will forgo pursuit of any outstanding interest.
Otherwise I will have no option but to engage legal council with a view to a personal judgement.”

Basically just to scare him into complying...Doesn’t matter if you don’t have a legal leg to stand on.

Best of luck.

lawred2

seamusk84 wrote: »

Unfortunately there is no easy way out of this situation for you.

I would suggest posting an official letter to him. Make it sound official with wording like -

“Failure to repay the funds will lead me to pursue a legal route. Please initiate a bank transfer for the entire amount outstanding by the 31st of December 2018. By doing this I will forgo pursuit of any outstanding interest.
Otherwise I will have no option but to engage legal council with a view to a personal judgement.”

Basically just to scare him into complying...Doesn’t matter if you don’t have a legal leg to stand on.

Best of luck.

He needed a loan to pay for something. It's unlikely that he has the money.

Best she can hope for is him meeting the repayments

manonboard

Op

You're not going to get the money. Your post describes someone who doesn't have the money n doesn't even pay for his kid appropriately.
You pointed out he is a consistent well practiced liar that is emotionally abusive when angry which is when he is confronted about his bad behaviour.
The ex mother is already struggling to raise thier kid n get payment so she absolutely doesn't have power to convince him to pay YOU...

You entered a bad relationship. I know you are feeling all sorts of things right now n that's very very normal. For your own peace n learning, I think you need to acknowledge you know you are not going to get the money back.. N that anything about talking to HIS other ex is very much just going to cause increased suffering for people, n is a bit creepy you think you have communication rights with her because you are angry.
I think you've learned big lessons about this person's moral n ethical lines.. N just need to learn n move on.. Although I know that Sucks n feels very unfair op.

I'm sorry you had such a terrible ending so far. Nobody deserves that at all. Very sad.

LollipopJimmy

I'd be inclined to write the letter and if that yields nothing then I'd write it off and move on with your life. Look at it as a cost to getting rid of a toxic little ****e

t1h9mgqsxopj0r

leggo wrote: »

I’m a bit confused...what are we hoping for from telling his ex? That she’ll give out to him or shame him around the community by telling others? Or that she’ll pay the money back herself? Or is it just a way of sticking the knife in? I might be missing something, but unless you feel she has a power over him that others don’t, I don’t see anything to be gained by going this route and it sounds like a lot of drama for minimal gain. He can simply shrug you off as a crazy person he dated briefly who he dumped and is bitter and trying to mess with him. If his parents got absolutely nowhere I doubt she will either.]

I’ve told family and friends exactly what you said. His mind works in horrible ways and knowing him, he probably told her half a story and went out of his way to tell her that I’m an disgruntled ex. That’s not the case whatsoever. My word against his really. Their idea is to tell her and make him see that if he wants to be nasty, then I can too but the thing is, I’m not nasty or petty. No way am I expecting her to pay him back. That isn’t what I’m asking for at all. I done absolutely everything for him, running around after him and this is what he leaves me with.

[Is there no text correspondence acknowledging the loan? How about bank records or did you take it out in cash when you got the €3000 and handed it over? If you got the loan then bank transferred it all to him then there’s proof right there, if you’ve got text correspondence acknowledging it it’s nailed on. If not, then he’s done his homework and there’s nothing more to really be done except writing it off as experience and moving on. Sorry this happened to you OP, that absolutely sucks.

Some of the money was transferred to his account but not all of it. When I revived the money, he frightened me that much, I was ran around for a weekend trying to get the money out of my account, as you can only take out a certain amount. He had the audacity to give out to me because the money wasn’t in his account the next day. He was very controlling and took me a long time to realise any of this

Kidchameleon

I'd be more worried that I was losing contact with a child I had bonded with than a pretty small sum of money. You took out the loan, therefore you need to pay it back. You say its over five years? Thats a tenner a week roughly. Get it paid asap so you pay as little interest as possible. Take on extra hours. You knew this guy was an ahole and bad with money, why did you give it to him? Chalk this one up to experience and leave his parents & childs mother out of it, its got nothing to do with them.

Just pay it back asap, you signed up for it, deal with it & then get on with your life. Whenever you see a red flag again in relationship, run.

t1h9mgqsxopj0r

pc7 wrote: »

I’d send the letter saying you want repayment of the loan (ideally if your solicitor sends it on headed paper).

As for telling his ex, don’t. If he’s how you describe he’ll weasel his way out of it, being his ex she likely knows what he’s like but seems to be CO-parenting well with him, for the child’s sake don’t cause drama. Close the door, try get your money and just block him on all platforms and move on. From how you described it you’ve had a lucky escape.

Thankfully I’m not on any form of social media and I only had his mobile number. I’m sure he’s blocked my number because I’ve tried contacting him a few times for my money.