What do I do?

DoIStay

My partner of over 3 years is going away on a trip. They have intentionally packed condoms. I'm lost. I know I need to confront them. Part of me wants to wait until they are back and check if they were used or still in the bag. I don't know what to do

Arrival

I wouldn't even speak to them again, completely ghost them. That's sickening

Big Bag of Chips

You ask why they have packed condoms. And expect an answer like "my friend asked me to get them.

Then you decide whether you believe them or not.

spindex

DoIStay wrote: »

My partner of over 3 years is going away on a trip. They have intentionally packed condoms. I'm lost. I know I need to confront them. Part of me wants to wait until they are back and check if they were used or still in the bag. I don't know what to do

When you say they who are you referring to ?

DoIStay

They- my partner. Keeping it gender neutral so as not to skew opinions

Big Bag of Chips

I don't see why opinions would be skewed because of gender. Regardless of the gender it seem they intend to cheat. If a woman packs condoms are they less likely to cheat then a man?

Unless it's a hen night and they plan some "hilarious" antics like blowing them up and throwing them around a night club??

vg88

Sorry to here. I recently came out of a three year relationship after my partner cheated on me so i completely understand your shock that you'll be in.

Could they be a messy packer like myself and throw everything including the kitchen sink in or left them in the bag after a previous trip with you two ? I'd approach them about as this is something that shouldn't happen

DoIStay

Big Bag of Chips wrote: »

I don't see why opinions would be skewed because of gender. Regardless of the gender it seem they intend to cheat. If a woman packs condoms are they less likely to cheat then a man?

Unless it's a hen night and they plan some "hilarious" antics like blowing them up and throwing them around a night club??

I agree with you however it was my decision to use "they" based on some replies I have read on similar threads before e.g guys packing for other guys, hen party fun etc.
It will also help protect my identity. Thank you for your reply.

Big Bag of Chips

Well your post and choice of username seems to lean more towards you believe the condoms were intentionally packed for the purposes of cheating. Nobody here can make the decision for you. They might intend to cheat. Their friend might intend to cheat. They might want to fill them with water and throw them at their friends.

All you can do is ask, gauge the reaction and act as you see fit.

Their gender doesn't really come in to it.

Ursus Horribilis

I agree - gender does NOT come into this. I'm sick of seeing the "If the genders were reversed" trope being trotted out here.

Why do you know that your partner has packed the condoms? How come you happened to be looking in their bag? Have you reason to distrust them?

I agree with the others. The only way to deal with this is to ask them and gauge their reaction. I think it's something that needs to be done now, not put off until they get back. This is going to be playing on your mind all the time they're away and I'm not sure an unopened box of condoms sitting in their bag when they get back is going to solve this in any way.

lulu1

My honest opinion is if your partner had an unopened packet of condoms in his bag before his trip he was getting ready should the situation arise.

I would have it out with him and see what excuse he comes up with

Ursus Horribilis

Expecting to get the ride was the first thought that crossed my mind too. Do people really buy condoms "for a friend" if they're going away somewhere? Why can't this "friend" buy their own if they think they're going to get laid?

DoIStay

It's the intent, the preparation.I'm heartboken.

italodisco

DoIStay wrote: »

It's the intent, the preparation.I'm heartboken.

You must be a bit dim if you have to come onto a forum to ask such a stupid question.

Sorry but I have to be brutal.

Long term partner is going away for work and he or she takes condoms.

What's 1+1?

Please say this poster is trolling

italodisco

italodisco wrote: »

You must be a bit dim if you have to come onto a forum to ask such a stupid question.

Sorry but I have to be brutal.

Long term partner is going away for work and he or she takes condoms.

What's 1+1?

Please say this poster is trolling

There’s really no need to be a doofus. The forum is for people who need advice and help when they’re unsure of something. Not to be attacked and belittled for daring to seek some advice from people.

DoIStay

italodisco wrote: »

You must be a bit dim if you have to come onto a forum to ask such a stupid question.

Sorry but I have to be brutal.

Long term partner is going away for work and he or she takes condoms.

What's 1+1?


Please say this poster is trolling

What question did I ask? I know what packing condoms mean.
I've just found out my best friend is intending on cheating on me either with someone he knows or should the opportunity arise. I wanted support, someone to tell me he's a dick and 'll be ok. I

Big Bag of Chips

italodisco, yellow for uncivil reply.
Hailee Poor PedicureMGS, no need for the vulgar language.

Posters are reminded to post in a mature, civil manner in Personal Issues, or don't post.

All posters should reread The Forum Charter.

Sorry I have edited the message. My apologies I just read what was said and became infuriated.

DoIStay

I will bring it up tonight . You are right, I cannot spend a week thinking about it if I wait for him to get back. Part of me wants to be gone when he gets back though

italodisco

Listen there is no question, he is bringing condoms away with him, why on earth would he need them only to cheat.

So yourself a favour, get out now before you're married with kids.

Hell have a million excuses. Don't accept any of them.

Sittingpretty

I’d ask straight out.

As someone else said why were u looking in his bag? Do you have reason to be suspicious?

I personally couldn’t make that discovery and then sit on it for a week while he was away anyway.

In as awful as it is, at least you’ll know. You’ll know right away by his very first reaction to the question.

Is there any chance if he travels regularly with you that they would have been just left in the bag from a previous trip?

DoIStay

Sittingpretty wrote: »

I’d ask straight out.

As someone else said why were u looking in his bag? Do you have reason to be suspicious?


In as awful as it is, at least you’ll know.?

We had a box of condoms that had been unopened . I noticed today that they had been opened and some removed so I checked.

I already know. I do. I just can't face what comes next.

Sittingpretty

DoIStay wrote: »

We had a box of condoms that had been unopened . I noticed today that they had been opened and some removed so I checked.

I already know. I do. I just can't face what comes next.

If you have that gut feeling that’s just so awful girl, look after yourself. What comes next will be fine, if there is anything to get through you’ll do it and IF your suspicions are correc then you’ll be the better for it.

My only reason for thinking it may have been just an over sight is that there doesn’t appear to have been any attempt to hide them if they were just there in an open bag being packed. I would have thought that if someone were thinking of cheating that they would probably be a bit more discreet?

Arrival

DoIStay wrote: »

We had a box of condoms that had been unopened . I noticed today that they had been opened and some removed so I checked.

I already know. I do. I just can't face what comes next.

What comes next is that you free yourself of an unfaithful, betraying and disrespectful ****head before things got more serious and complicated. Why would you not want to face that? You've dodged a bullet and you will get through the pain and upset.

bilbot79

No-one has dodged a bullet train yet. The OPs partner should get a fair trial here. Nothing has actually happened.

Ursus Horribilis

That's why she's being advised to ask (not accuse!). His reaction to a perfectly legitimate question will tell a lot.

mojesius

I'm sorry OP but I don't see the need for a fair trial here. Why on earth would someone in a commited relationship need to pack condoms for a weekend away? If my OH did it, the trust would just be gone.

Esse85

Shocked at the amount of people willing to condemn without even asking what's the reason for packing them. 3 years is a lot to be with someone, so at least ask the person.

Surely if the guy was going away on a trip and planned to cheat, he wouldn't stupidly leave the evidence in his suit case unless he wanted to be caught.

Who's going on this trip and is this a regular thing?

lulu1

bilbot79 wrote: »

No-one has dodged a bullet train yet. The OPs partner should get a fair trial here. Nothing has actually happened.

Because they didn't get the chance yet

actually just thinking
Would they actually pack condoms to bring? Surely to Jaysus you’d buy some wherever you were going? The OP also said the condoms were theirs. So why would he pack their condoms to use with someone else that makes no sense.

sexmag

Yeah I'm gonna echo the air on the side of caution here.

People who cheat are tactical asshats, they spend their whole time preparing and doing it, if he was planning on doing it then he wouldn't pack some,just buy some wherever he was going, unless he's in the 1% of stupid cheaters.

The fact people already have judge him guilty says a lot about this forum, there a many many reasons they could be in there.

OP have you had suspicions before, any actual evidence he has cheated etc over the course of the relationship?

DoIStay

Esse85 wrote: »

Shocked at the amount of people willing to condemn without even asking what's the reason for packing them. 3 years is a lot to be with someone, so at least ask the person.

Surely if the guy was going away on a trip and planned to cheat, he wouldn't stupidly leave the evidence in his suit case unless he wanted to be caught.

Who's going on this trip and is this a regular thing?

I guess he figured I wouldnt look through his bag. No, it's a one off with a lot of people.

DoIStay

I confronted him. There was a bit of denial and vague "I don't know how they could have got in there" statements initally. I made it clear that I knew they were put there recently and he admitted to intentionally packing them.
He swears blind he has never cheated on me. He doesn't know why he packed them as he has no intention of cheating. Apparently it was a fantasy/bravado thing where he just wanted to believe he still had it and could pull.

DoIStay

Hailee Poor PedicureMGS wrote: »

actually just thinking
Would they actually pack condoms to bring? Surely to Jaysus you’d buy some wherever you were going? The OP also said the condoms were theirs. So why would he pack their condoms to use with someone else that makes no sense.

The fact that he packed them is worse. I feel like he wouldn't even risk not having one should he pull!

Dtp1979

As my mother used to say, if you told that to an Ass it’d kick you

lilmissbee88

he wanted to believe he could still pull? tell him not to bother coming back from holiday. i’ve been with my guy for three years too and if any ****e like that came from his mouth, he’d be out the door.

‘i don’t know how they got in there’ is the most pitiful excuse, though yes he eventually admitted it because he felt ****. which he is.

what’s your gut feeling OP? do you believe him?

rainbowtrout

DoIStay wrote: »

I confronted him. There was a bit of denial and vague "I don't know how they could have got in there" statements initally. I made it clear that I knew they were put there recently and he admitted to intentionally packing them.
He swears blind he has never cheated on me. He doesn't know why he packed them as he has no intention of cheating. Apparently it was a fantasy/bravado thing where he just wanted to believe he still had it and could pull.

Sounds like the classic ‘only admitting to what he has to admit to’ Denial of how they got there followed by admittance when he realised you knew. And the rest of it is just bull.

Sephiroth_dude

DoIStay wrote: »

Apparently it was a fantasy/bravado thing where he just wanted to believe he still had it and could pull.

Ya I wouldn't be buying that bull**** if I were you.

GingerLily

He may as well have cheated, it's unlikely the first time he's had these intentions.

Please walk away OP, you can't trust him.

woodchuck

OP his response is obviously very worrying.

If I was you I'd a good hard think over the relationship - were there any red flags over the years? I bet there were, but either he had a good excuse or you ignored them. It's surprising how many red flags you see when looking back.

Emme

DoIStay wrote: »

My partner of over 3 years is going away on a trip. They have intentionally packed condoms. I'm lost. I know I need to confront them. Part of me wants to wait until they are back and check if they were used or still in the bag. I don't know what to do

I take it ye don't have an open relationship and by the sounds of things communication about this trip isn't great.

He sounds a bit dim or else he wants out of the relationship and hasn't got the cojones to say it straight out. If he was smart and wanted to hide his tracks he'd have bought the condoms at the airport, on the way or when he got to the destination. Or he'd have hidden them and slipped them into his bag at the last minute. So he might be trying to tell you something in a roundabout way.

Do you live together? If so that complicates things but it might be a good idea to suggest taking a break from each other. That would be easier if you don't live together.

Could you take a few days break yourself or stay in a friends house for a few days? Time it so that when you partner comes back you won't be there. Don't tell him anything, don't explain anything. And when you come back ask for explanations and be prepared to cut loose if necessary.

An STD test might be no harm even if you do use condoms.

osarusan

The bit about 'wanting to feel like he could still pull' is no reason to actually have condoms anyway, unless the presence of a condom in his wallet somehow bestows magical pulling power upon him.

Ursus Horribilis

osarusan wrote: »

The bit about 'wanting to feel like he could still pull' is no reason to actually have condoms anyway, unless the presence of a condom in his wallet somehow bestows magical pulling power upon him.

Maybe once he'd pulled, he'd whip the condom out of his wallet and exclaim "Aha, so I've still got it" and then send the lucky lady on her way.

daithi7

rainbowtrout wrote: »

Sounds like the classic ‘only admitting to what he has to admit to’ Denial of how they got there followed by admittance when he realised you knew. And the rest of it is just bull.

I actually agree with this but tbf to your partner I still packed & had a condom in my wallet after over 2 years seeing someone where we didn't need to use them.

Why? habit /laziness, they were in my washbag & wallet from my meandering days and I just never took then out.

When I finally ditched the one from my wallet it was hilarious, very aged wrapper, I'd say it would have gone to shreds had it been used in passion at that stage

Ursus Horribilis

Yes but in this case the partner opened up an unopened box of condoms and put some of them in his bag. Not very bright but there you go.

nthclare

Op I'd suggest you get out of this mess as soon as you can.

If I had a girlfriend and she had done something similar, she'd be out of my life...

"Just like that"

Adiós Seniorita....

Anyone who's taking his side more than likely are up to the same craic or get a sick kick out of debating and thinking they're Sherlock Holmes.

He packed Johnnie's simple as....

4 year's ago I was in a similar situation,my gut feeling was right she was doing the Fandango with the local tatcher...

Long story but short lived...

SAMTALK

DoIStay wrote: »

I confronted him. There was a bit of denial and vague "I don't know how they could have got in there" statements initally. I made it clear that I knew they were put there recently and he admitted to intentionally packing them.
He swears blind he has never cheated on me. He doesn't know why he packed them as he has no intention of cheating. Apparently it was a fantasy/bravado thing where he just wanted to believe he still had it and could pull.

To believing he still had it and could pull and actually pulling are 2 completely different things
You don't just absently pack condoms in your suitcase

Neyite

They were going on this trip hoping/ planning to have sex. That's really all you really need to know, OP.

To me it sounds like someone knowing the opportunity for a shag will happen shortly after arriving and not having the chance to get to a chemist in the locality to get some.

Who's going on the trip with them? Friends? Colleagues? Is the trip still on in light of this?

DoIStay

Neyite wrote: »

They were going on this trip hoping/ planning to have sex. That's really all you really need to know, OP.

To me it sounds like someone knowing the opportunity for a shag will happen shortly after arriving and not having the chance to get to a chemist in the locality to get some.

Who's going on the trip with them? Friends? Colleagues? Is the trip still on in light of this?

Thank you. You are right .
It's a work trip.

Big Bag of Chips

Is there a particular colleague/client he's meeting up with. Sounds like this is a planned encounter rather than a "See if I can still pull" scenario.

I'm so sorry for you, OP. Chances are this really isn't the first time.

nikkibikki

DoIStay wrote:

It's a work trip.

I'd be suspecting an affair with a colleague if it's a work trip.

Even if he is telling the truth, it still shows how little disregard he has for the relationship that he was even considering it.

But the length of time he took to even come up with the story would lead me to believe it's bull sh!t.