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What do I do?

DoIStay

My partner of over 3 years is going away on a trip. They have intentionally packed condoms. I'm lost. I know I need to confront them. Part of me wants to wait until they are back and check if they were used or still in the bag. I don't know what to do

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Neyite

It's really great to see that even in your heartbreak, you know your worth. I think you are right, especially since he spluttered implausible denials and minimisation when caught rapid. If he came clean and offered complete transparency you could have had something to salvage.

You'd always wonder who's on a work trip with him, or what's he doing when he's out without you and over time that erodes your self esteem and ultimately turns you from a trusting person to a miserable suspicious one.

It gets better. Surround yourself with people who support you and throw yourself into the stuff you couldn't do coupled up. Go to the places he wouldn't go to with you, cook the food he hates, play the music he thought was crap. In a few months you'll feel way better. In time you'll even look back and laugh that he was so pathetic that he wrecked a good thing and didn't even get a ride out of it for his trouble.

Keep being badass!

[Deleted User]

DoIStay wrote: »

Thank you beautiful strangers (and strangers mammys!) of the internet. I already knew everything you have all told me but I needed to hear it from someone because part of me was afraid of loosing him due to an over-reaction.

I'm staying with a friend and I'm ok. In fact, I felt particularly bad ass and strong marching out of there with my stuff!

I can never trust him again and I refuse to be the partner who overlooks demeaning and disrespectful behaviour. I don't deserve that. I'm heartbroken and dreading the next few days/months but I'll be ok.

Thank you

Happy to hear you’ve managed to find the strength to leave. It will be awful for a few weeks or so but it’s for the best in the end!

DoIStay

Thank you beautiful strangers (and strangers mammys!) of the internet. I already knew everything you have all told me but I needed to hear it from someone because part of me was afraid of loosing him due to an over-reaction.

I'm staying with a friend and I'm ok. In fact, I felt particularly bad ass and strong marching out of there with my stuff!

I can never trust him again and I refuse to be the partner who overlooks demeaning and disrespectful behaviour. I don't deserve that. I'm heartbroken and dreading the next few days/months but I'll be ok.

Thank you

DoIStay

[quote=never_mind;108427690 I would say there is more to this than meets the eye. .

OP, take some time to digest and talk to a friend in real life who knows him and you.[/quote]

Thank you for your reply and advice. When you say more than meets the eye, what are you thinking?

skallywag

It also strikes me as jawdroppingly stupid that he would take them from a box at home where it would be pretty clear that they have 'gone missing'. I think it's pretty clear that in this case there was intent on his side.

You mention that he was heading off on a work gig, so unless he works in some location and area where he would need them as part of a survival kit then it's pretty clear that he was intending to get up to no good.

never_mind

What I don't understand is how stupid the OP's OH is... if they were planning on cheating why wouldn't they have just bought condoms in the country they are visiting. Next time they go away, if you stay with them, they might consider this. I would say there is more to this than meets the eye. It doesn't mean the end of the relationship but it might mean talking out the issue and seeing how you feel.

OP, take some time to digest and talk to a friend in real life who knows him and you.

Neyite

DoIStay wrote: »

Thank you. You are right .
It's a work trip.

If it's work presumably he has to go regardless of what's going on in your relationship at the moment.

It's ok to know that you don't have to do decide anything immediately. Often on forums like this you'll get people expecting you to dump him immediately. But in real life you'll feel like the rug was pulled out from under you and it takes time to process through the feelings of shock or sadness or anger that surfaces.

You can take the time he's on the trip to see how you feel, and maybe ask him to stay with family or a friend afterwards for a while just to give you head space to consider what you want to do. Do you have friends or family that you can confide in, someone to support you?

Ursus Horribilis

Seeing as you can buy condoms everywhere from a pub vending machine to Lidl, it's odd that he raided the box at home. It's beside the point though. Regardless of whether it's an affair he's having with a colleague, something else pre-arranged or simply a plan to hit the bar when he gets to his destination, he believed there was a shag on the horizon. He can dress it up any way he likes but that is what it boils down to. Personally, I wouldn't be one bit confident that he hasn't cheated before. Would you have even had an inkling if he hadn't been a bit stupid and opened up the box at home?

The ball is in your court now. What is a dealbreaker for you? Can you ever trust him again? You can be certain that he will never again dip into the box of condoms in the top drawer of your dressing table. How can you be certain he won't pick up a box of Durex in Boots in the Airport? If he goes on the trip, will you be wide awake at 2am wondering is he making the beast with two backs in some hotel somewhere?

nikkibikki

DoIStay wrote:

It's a work trip.

I'd be suspecting an affair with a colleague if it's a work trip.

Even if he is telling the truth, it still shows how little disregard he has for the relationship that he was even considering it.

But the length of time he took to even come up with the story would lead me to believe it's bull sh!t.

Big Bag of Chips

Is there a particular colleague/client he's meeting up with. Sounds like this is a planned encounter rather than a "See if I can still pull" scenario.

I'm so sorry for you, OP. Chances are this really isn't the first time.

DoIStay

Neyite wrote: »

They were going on this trip hoping/ planning to have sex. That's really all you really need to know, OP.

To me it sounds like someone knowing the opportunity for a shag will happen shortly after arriving and not having the chance to get to a chemist in the locality to get some.

Who's going on the trip with them? Friends? Colleagues? Is the trip still on in light of this?

Thank you. You are right .
It's a work trip.

Neyite

They were going on this trip hoping/ planning to have sex. That's really all you really need to know, OP.

To me it sounds like someone knowing the opportunity for a shag will happen shortly after arriving and not having the chance to get to a chemist in the locality to get some.

Who's going on the trip with them? Friends? Colleagues? Is the trip still on in light of this?

SAMTALK

DoIStay wrote: »

I confronted him. There was a bit of denial and vague "I don't know how they could have got in there" statements initally. I made it clear that I knew they were put there recently and he admitted to intentionally packing them.
He swears blind he has never cheated on me. He doesn't know why he packed them as he has no intention of cheating. Apparently it was a fantasy/bravado thing where he just wanted to believe he still had it and could pull.

To believing he still had it and could pull and actually pulling are 2 completely different things
You don't just absently pack condoms in your suitcase

nthclare

Op I'd suggest you get out of this mess as soon as you can.

If I had a girlfriend and she had done something similar, she'd be out of my life...

"Just like that"

Adiós Seniorita....

Anyone who's taking his side more than likely are up to the same craic or get a sick kick out of debating and thinking they're Sherlock Holmes.

He packed Johnnie's simple as....

4 year's ago I was in a similar situation,my gut feeling was right she was doing the Fandango with the local tatcher...

Long story but short lived...

Ursus Horribilis

Yes but in this case the partner opened up an unopened box of condoms and put some of them in his bag. Not very bright but there you go.

daithi7

rainbowtrout wrote: »

Sounds like the classic ‘only admitting to what he has to admit to’ Denial of how they got there followed by admittance when he realised you knew. And the rest of it is just bull.

I actually agree with this but tbf to your partner I still packed & had a condom in my wallet after over 2 years seeing someone where we didn't need to use them.

Why? habit /laziness, they were in my washbag & wallet from my meandering days and I just never took then out.

When I finally ditched the one from my wallet it was hilarious, very aged wrapper, I'd say it would have gone to shreds had it been used in passion at that stage

Ursus Horribilis

osarusan wrote: »

The bit about 'wanting to feel like he could still pull' is no reason to actually have condoms anyway, unless the presence of a condom in his wallet somehow bestows magical pulling power upon him.

Maybe once he'd pulled, he'd whip the condom out of his wallet and exclaim "Aha, so I've still got it" and then send the lucky lady on her way.

osarusan

The bit about 'wanting to feel like he could still pull' is no reason to actually have condoms anyway, unless the presence of a condom in his wallet somehow bestows magical pulling power upon him.

Emme

DoIStay wrote: »

My partner of over 3 years is going away on a trip. They have intentionally packed condoms. I'm lost. I know I need to confront them. Part of me wants to wait until they are back and check if they were used or still in the bag. I don't know what to do

I take it ye don't have an open relationship and by the sounds of things communication about this trip isn't great.

He sounds a bit dim or else he wants out of the relationship and hasn't got the cojones to say it straight out. If he was smart and wanted to hide his tracks he'd have bought the condoms at the airport, on the way or when he got to the destination. Or he'd have hidden them and slipped them into his bag at the last minute. So he might be trying to tell you something in a roundabout way.

Do you live together? If so that complicates things but it might be a good idea to suggest taking a break from each other. That would be easier if you don't live together.

Could you take a few days break yourself or stay in a friends house for a few days? Time it so that when you partner comes back you won't be there. Don't tell him anything, don't explain anything. And when you come back ask for explanations and be prepared to cut loose if necessary.

An STD test might be no harm even if you do use condoms.

woodchuck

OP his response is obviously very worrying.

If I was you I'd a good hard think over the relationship - were there any red flags over the years? I bet there were, but either he had a good excuse or you ignored them. It's surprising how many red flags you see when looking back.

GingerLily

He may as well have cheated, it's unlikely the first time he's had these intentions.

Please walk away OP, you can't trust him.

Sephiroth_dude

DoIStay wrote: »

Apparently it was a fantasy/bravado thing where he just wanted to believe he still had it and could pull.

Ya I wouldn't be buying that bull**** if I were you.

rainbowtrout

DoIStay wrote: »

I confronted him. There was a bit of denial and vague "I don't know how they could have got in there" statements initally. I made it clear that I knew they were put there recently and he admitted to intentionally packing them.
He swears blind he has never cheated on me. He doesn't know why he packed them as he has no intention of cheating. Apparently it was a fantasy/bravado thing where he just wanted to believe he still had it and could pull.

Sounds like the classic ‘only admitting to what he has to admit to’ Denial of how they got there followed by admittance when he realised you knew. And the rest of it is just bull.

lilmissbee88

he wanted to believe he could still pull? tell him not to bother coming back from holiday. i’ve been with my guy for three years too and if any ****e like that came from his mouth, he’d be out the door.

‘i don’t know how they got in there’ is the most pitiful excuse, though yes he eventually admitted it because he felt ****. which he is.

what’s your gut feeling OP? do you believe him?

Dtp1979

As my mother used to say, if you told that to an Ass it’d kick you

DoIStay

RaichuMGS wrote: »

actually just thinking
Would they actually pack condoms to bring? Surely to Jaysus you’d buy some wherever you were going? The OP also said the condoms were theirs. So why would he pack their condoms to use with someone else that makes no sense.

The fact that he packed them is worse. I feel like he wouldn't even risk not having one should he pull!

DoIStay

I confronted him. There was a bit of denial and vague "I don't know how they could have got in there" statements initally. I made it clear that I knew they were put there recently and he admitted to intentionally packing them.
He swears blind he has never cheated on me. He doesn't know why he packed them as he has no intention of cheating. Apparently it was a fantasy/bravado thing where he just wanted to believe he still had it and could pull.

DoIStay

Esse85 wrote: »

Shocked at the amount of people willing to condemn without even asking what's the reason for packing them. 3 years is a lot to be with someone, so at least ask the person.

Surely if the guy was going away on a trip and planned to cheat, he wouldn't stupidly leave the evidence in his suit case unless he wanted to be caught.

Who's going on this trip and is this a regular thing?

I guess he figured I wouldnt look through his bag. No, it's a one off with a lot of people.

sexmag

Yeah I'm gonna echo the air on the side of caution here.

People who cheat are tactical asshats, they spend their whole time preparing and doing it, if he was planning on doing it then he wouldn't pack some,just buy some wherever he was going, unless he's in the 1% of stupid cheaters.

The fact people already have judge him guilty says a lot about this forum, there a many many reasons they could be in there.

OP have you had suspicions before, any actual evidence he has cheated etc over the course of the relationship?

[Deleted User]

actually just thinking
Would they actually pack condoms to bring? Surely to Jaysus you’d buy some wherever you were going? The OP also said the condoms were theirs. So why would he pack their condoms to use with someone else that makes no sense.