break up over a car?

LegacyUser

I have a problem with my partner of 7 years living together just over a year and I don't know how I should feel, but one thing I'm not currently is happy.

The main problem is me driving or lack thereof, I've been told that I either start now or the relationship is finished, I was told in a very abusive and angry manner too calling me some quiet hurtful things, this isn't the first time its been brought up it has been a few times in the past but this time it had quiet an ultimatum feel to it. Me personally I never retaliate to these arguments and try to defuse the situation with either reluctantly agreeing or deflecting the questions.

I feel no real reason to drive its not a money issue I have a pretty good job where I'm well paid and I'm in an area with good public transport and I have an easy commute to work and stores. To me its something that I've been getting through life without no problem and see as waste of good money that could be going to saving for a mortgage or anything else really, but to my partner it essentially means everything and for me to not drive it causes them great shame and I'm apparently pathetic for not driving.They drive themselves of course and due to the notable arguments I make sure to never ask for any favors or put my partner out of their way for something for me.

There have been smaller arguments too about stuff down the years mostly some very minor stuff that I just accept because I either don't feel strongly about it to cause conflict or I felt I was in the wrong I'm by no means perfect myself.

I don't know what I should do really I just feel worn out by it all and I feel like the time for talking has passed, of course I could just start driving, I could just end the relationship myself also. I'd just like some neutral anonymous opinions if I go to friends or family they'll naturally just pick my side.

DaeryssaOne

You didn't even need to post the last four paragraphs - you're not happy in your relationship so you know the answer here isn't to learn to drive, it's to reassess your relationship.

Your partner sounds like a bully and this driving thing is just one way of picking on you. While it's great that you don't seem to take the bait and fight back, it does sound like you're a doormat for your partner's aggression which is no good either.

I would guess writing this down alone has made it clearer to you that issuing an ultimatum on whether you learn to drive or not is pretty silly and your relationship seems to have run its course.

witchgirl26

Ok to me I see 2 issues here - 1. the not driving and 2. the manner in which the argument took place.

On the first one. Both my sister and friend have partners who can't drive and despite them not looking for lifts etc it does cause a number of problems. If they have to drive somewhere to go out, they have to be the one to drive. If they go away for a weekend, they have to be the one to drive there. When there are kids too, it can cause a lot of problems as the responsibility of driving the kids is always with one person. Even something as simple as the shopping can end up being left to one as they have the car. Now I don't believe everyone has to have a car necessarily but I would think that learning to drive and at least having your licence so the ability to pull your weight with things like that would be a good thing. In terms of where you live and work currently - that's grand for the moment but it might not always be that way. I had that growing up and all through college and even into my first job but now I need my car to commute based on where I've moved to and the job I now have.
My friend gave her husband the ultimatum about learning to drive because she just couldn't deal with it all anymore and it was stressing her out completely. He felt no need to learn, similar to you, but realistically if you're in a relationship and your behaviour is causing the other person stress, it's not all about you anymore.

Which leads onto the 2nd - if your partner is calling you "pathetic" or that you "shame" them by your actions that's not good. I get that things get said in the heat of an argument but I think that's a whole other discussion with your partner about how that makes you feel and that you don't appreciate it. If this is something that is a continuous behaviour and that you are talked down to a lot, then maybe you need to have a tougher conversation than if this is just something that happens in relation to this one topic (which may, not in the right way, show the level of frustration there).

Silverfish

Hi OP

I think he’s absolutely right, you really do need to learn to drive. Do you can pack your stuff & move out faster.

Oink

Let me just pick out a few words from your post:
“angry”
“abusive”
“I'm apparently pathetic”

What would you say to a friend who uses words like that when discussing a relationship issue?

Please take care of yourself. That partner of yours clearly has issues if this is all over not driving.

Addle

Do you depend on your partner for lifts?
Are you a passenger in their car a lot?
Do you travel by car with others much?

.......

1. There is no way your partner should be speaking to you and belittling you like this. Often this kind of dysfunction builds up over time. Not to excuse your partner at all, but you say its been brought up before and rather than argue you agree or deflect. So your partner is probably sick of asking you to learn to drive and you agreeing and then 7 years down the road, youre still not driving. I think there is probably communication issues on both sides here. Taking the abusive nature of the recent row out of it - your partner is repeatedly expressing to you that they want you to start driving. Why do you keep agreeing and then not doing it? Why dont you simply say no if you dont want to learn to drive?

2. Its a pain being in a relationship with an adult who cant drive - whether or not they have a car is irrelevant. It creates an inequality. My husband has no car. But he can drive. So if we go to a wedding or away for a weekend or whatever, he can share the driving. I have dated someone who couldnt drive when I could and it was just annoying. They could never get to anywhere in a reasonable time frame. I was always the one driving if we wanted to go somewhere that public transport didnt stretch to. They werent fully independent at all, always depending on other people for lifts or depending on public transport etc...

In 7 years there must be many occasions where your partner would have preferred a break and have you take the wheel and drive somewhere for a change?

I do not agree with how your partner has spoken to you. Not at all. But only you can look at the bigger picture and see what has led to this. I wouldnt be happy if I had asked my partner to do something for 7 years and they just wouldnt do it. Something that affects both of us. However, that does not excuse name calling and abuse.

Faith

I couldn't be in a relationship with someone who didn't drive. Like others have said, unless you have a medical reason, it's desperately unfair to leave all of the driving responsibility to one partner (not to mention them always needing to be the designated driver).

Obviously being abusive is never okay, but what are they like generally? Could it be that sheer frustration got the better of them? You say this has been a frequent source of arguments, so it's obviously something that really bothers your partner and they've made this clear. Again, not trying to excuse, just understand.

Addle

Being able to drive is a good skill to have.
You might never need to drive, but if there was ever an emergency, you might be glad some time to know how.

I've been the person always giving lifts to certain people who always take them for granted. They are very annoying and disrespectful in that the don't appreciate the time and costs involved. I've stopped travelling with these people.

If your OH doesn't respect you, by his words or actions, then I'd be questioning the relationship. But I'd also have to give consideration to the possible point of frustration he's been driven to. No pun intended.

silverharp

learn to drive, no one is suggesting you need to buy a car, maybe your partner would like the opportunity to share driving when socialising or shopping etc. or thinking about the future if you have kids.

Ursus Horribilis

They say if you want to know somebody, go live with them. I'm not liking what your partner is saying to you. Even though I very much understand why he's infuriated at your refusal to drive, what he's saying is unnecessarily cruel and mean. Maybe you're seeing the real him, brought on by this issue. Or he's starting to crack under the strain of being the only driver in the house. You've given us so little context in some ways, it's hard to judge

Having said that, you are being very short-sighted by refusing to learn how to drive. I am yet another person who would go up the walls if I was with someone who refused to learn how to drive. I've seen the pressure it puts the driver in a relationship under and it can cause problems.

Nobody is saying you need to own a car but it is an invaluable life skill. You are cutting off the options to move to better jobs, limiting your horizons and ultimately your independence because of this issue. Would it really hurt to take some driving lessons and pass your test?

Teyla Emmagan

wopp216 wrote:

Me personally I never retaliate to these arguments and try to defuse the situation with either reluctantly agreeing or deflecting the questions.

So you agree to learn to drive during these arguments just for a bit of peace and quiet but you never follow up on it? That would drive me mad too. It is very passive aggressive.

Your partner should not be calling you names but as several other people have said, it's really frustrating being in a relationship with someone who can't/won't learn to drive. Every adult should know how to drive, it's a basic skill. It means you can contribute, and carry your own weight. And are willing to help, even. Adults who can't drive are just a drain on somebody else's resources.

jam_mac_jam

If you don't want to learn to drive don't. While it can be annoying if he is giving you lifts all the time it's not a reason to threaten to break up.

You don't have to drive. It's not mandatory and if you learn to drive do it for yourself and not to react to bullying. I find the word shame and pathetic very worrying. I would question the relationship if he speaks to you in this way abut anything. Esp something so trivial.

Addle

Well we've only read the OP's point of view, but I don't think being unnecessarily dependent on someone is a trivial matter.

Dial Hard

Knowing how to drive is like knowing how to swim, it's a fundamental life skill that could literally be life-saving at some point.

Ursus Horribilis

It's not a possible break up over a car either. It's over your refusal to learn how to drive and your partner's way of dealing with it.

Jasper_

Surely this isnt a money related choice OP.

Theory test - 50e
Provisional Licence - 50e
12 Driving Lessons - 300e
Practical test - 80e

For as little as 480 euro you can have a valuble life skill within 6 months if you put the effort in. Get insured on his car for next to nothing.

You won't know yourself with a licence, regardless if you think you don't need it. I don't need it either, but it would be like loosing a leg if it was taken away.

It would bother my if my other half didn't drive. In saying that the abuse you receive over it is in no way justified.

osarusan

The way your partner spoke to you suggests they don't have much respect for you at all. That's something to think about all by itself.

But if they had broached the subject in a more civil and mature way (and it sounds like they have done so more reasonably in the past), I don't see what the big issue with learning to drive is - it doesn't mean you need to buy a car, but you can share the driving with them. If you ever have kids in the future, the lack of a licence will be very inconvenient.

It is just a very convenient thing to have in general, opens up more possibilities in terms of where you can live, where you can go for a day out, and so many other ways. I don't really understand why you deny yourself those possibilities, and I guess your partner doesn't either.

From their perspective, the must be baffled by your steadfast refusal to do something that would makes your lives easier and more convenient.

Lollipops23

My OH doesn't drive- he's been "learning" since before we got together but it's never been a priority. He's sat and failed his test a few times ( I think 3). I do all the driving for us as a couple and I won't lie, it gets old. If we want a weekend away, I've to drive. If we're travelling for a wedding, I can't go too mad on the drink as I've to drive us home the next morning.

He's just changed jobs, but the moment he gets settled I'll be back nagging him to get it sorted.

That said, there's no excuse for abuse. MAJOR red flag right there.

Idle Passerby

Do you have a particular reason for not wanting to learn? Your partners language is bad but if you not driving has been the root cause of so much anguish whats stopping you learning? It seems an unusual thing to be so dead set against when learning is not a difficult or expensive thing to do. Why be so stubborn that its become a persistent thorn in your relationship? I'm not excusing your partners verbal abuse but I don't see why, if you know it bothers her that much, you wouldn't just learn.

ManOfMystery

wopp216 wrote: »

Me personally I never retaliate to these arguments and try to defuse the situation with either reluctantly agreeing or deflecting the questions.

I just accept because I either don't feel strongly about it to cause conflict or I felt I was in the wrong  I could just end the relationship myself also. 

I'm going to take a slightly different stance here.
First off, your partner's behaviour is definitely OTT so don't think I'm making excuses for him. He needs to calm the jets a bit and approach this in a calmer and more rational manner.
With that said though, I get the sense from your posts above that you have a kind of apathy towards everything. You don't see a need to drive. You don't feel strongly about it enough to respond to your partner with any conviction. You 'could just end the relationship'. You also say you have agreed with him in the past and then deflected questions.

Perhaps this lack of enthusiasm and general apathy is causing frustration for your partner? Speaking from my personal viewpoint, I think I would find it very frustrating especially if you had continually agreed with me about driving but never actually done anything about it.

If you don't agree with him, why didn't you say so and put the matter to bed? Why go along with what he says for a quiet life but then refuse to pursue it? You have to bear some responsibility here for dragging this issue out also.

Your post about ending the relationship speaks volumes also, I get the sense you're not overly invested in it but again - have let things go along for a quiet life. Do you love your partner? Do you want the relationship to continue? 

Again, not making excuses for your partner here. He's handling things badly in a controlling manner, but I think his frustrations are stemming from a real place.

Also, on the fundamental issue of driving itself, I agree with the others that it's an extremely useful skill to have. It doesn't mean you have to buy a car or ever use one. Surely for the sake of a few lessons, it's worth doing the test? The vast majority of people I know all drive so it's not like it's an impossible task to master. There will come a point in your future where a job change or children etc may change your viewpoint and the ability to drive may stand you well.

woodchuck

First of all, there is no excuse for the way your partner behaved.

However, while his communication skills are obviously lacking, I suspect it's coming from a place of frustration:

this isn't the first time its been brought up it has been a few times in the past but this time it had quiet an ultimatum feel to it. Me personally I never retaliate to these arguments and try to defuse the situation with either reluctantly agreeing or deflecting the questions.

So any time this issue has come up in the past 7 years, you've agreed that you'd learn to drive? But never did?
Surely you can see how frustrating and hurtful this would be to your partner. You've essentially lied for 7 years.

You need to have a proper conversation with your partner about this without getting into an argument. You need to find out why he wants you drive. Is it really because he finds you pathetic and embarrassing or were these just insults thrown out in the heat of the moment? (I'm still not excusing his behaviour). I suspect there are bigger issues though, which a lot of posters on here have already pointed out.

While I appreciate that you don't feel the need to learn how to drive and say you never ask him for favours, the reality is that any burden of driving falls to him even if you don't ask. E.g. doing a big grocery shop, renting a car while on holidays, going to a wedding (usually remote locations). And that's not to mention anything else that comes up in the future such as changing jobs, moving house or having kids. If you're together 7 years this might be on his/her mind. It's not fair for one partner to have to shoulder that burden. I know one guy who only started learning how to drive when his wife was pregnant! You don't want to wait until you NEED to drive. It can take a long time to learn and pass the test, so you're better off getting the license for when you might need it down the line.

But this is a conversation you really need to be having with your partner. Be honest about why you don't feel the need to drive, but listen to his concerns also. If he/she has valid concerns, you should really take them on board. And don't say you'll learn how to drive unless you actually mean it!

TheBoyConor

If my partner was shaming me and giving me greif in the way yours is doing I'd be telling them that if my not driving is an embarrasment for you or not good enough then they are under no obligation to stay.

Magicmatilda

If your partner is a woman and you are planning children, will she be driving herself to the hospital while in labour?

What if your partner or future kids fall or cut themselves and need A&E will your partner be responsible for that too? Or perhaps you will take a taxi? or call an ambulance (even though one wouldn't normally be required in that situation) Or even if your partner or kid has a bad flu and needs to see a doctor, will they have the hassle of a taxi there too?

Honestly I wouldn't date someone who couldn't drive, I have in that past and I wouldn't do it again, I see no reason for a grown adult not to be able to drive.

I was lucky to learn at 17 and I can only imagine how scary it must be to learn as an adult. The older we get the more fearful we become. But honestly I think that is a fear that one must try to conquer. I'm more curious as to what is holding you back from learning?

Faith

Yeah, I think whatever about not driving as a single person living in an urban area, life changes completely if you have kids. What if the affordable houses and good schools are in areas with poor public transport? Would you be happy with your partner giving up work to be a full-time parent, driving the kids to school, childcare, activities, parties, etc?

sexmag

Magicmatilda wrote: »

If your partner is a woman and you are planning children, will she be driving herself to the hospital while in labour?

I thought OP is a woman?

Faith

sexmag wrote: »

I thought OP is a woman?

No, posters are assigning their own genders (which is pretty interesting, actually).

LirW

You easily get away with it in an area with good public transport but this is Ireland.
Back home I know plenty of people who don't drive simply because you get everywhere fast with PT and you wouldn't miss it.

But it's Ireland and it's quite different here, there are many areas where you can't get anywhere without your own set of wheels and many places are very inaccessible.
My partner doesn't drive and honestly it drives me mad. I was short of driving myself into the hospital when I went into labour and my FIL brought me. It's a running gag in my side of the family if he'll ever drive. I can't laugh about it anymore since we live rural now and I'm the taxi service, if I'm sick, everything goes to sh1te. The driving doesn't bother me per se, but it's the inequality that no matter what I'd have to drive.
I love my partner dearly and I'd never leave him over not driving but it really annoys me.

Go, do your driving test, it's done and dusted, it's a pretty necessary skill to have in Ireland.

No need for the abuse though, I don't give my partner abuse over it because it's never okay to turn abusive. Take care of yourself.

.......

sexmag wrote: »

I thought OP is a woman?

I would have presumed the opposite.

This is just an observation, I am not saying it is right or wrong, but I think it would be a more common societal view that it is "shameful" or "pathetic" for a man not to be driving than a woman.

So given the wording used in the OP, that the OPs partner is saying it causes them great shame and its pathetic, it leads me to think the OP is a man.

LegacyUser

Learning to drive could be an easy thing - less then 500 euro and bang test passed first time but the person doing the learning needs to have the right attitude in order for it to work that way.

OP I didn't learn to drive until I was 30 and moved down the country and was left with no choice. I had had lessons before when living at home but as I just didn't care and had no need for a car, I didn't really put the effort in and it was wasted money. My brother is 35 and doesn't drive. He lives in a big European city and has had no need to learn thanks to great public transport and a company taxi account. He started taking lessons when he thought his job might be moving and he spent a small fortune trying to rush through it but then the job didn't change and he lost all interest. His instructor said he was ready for the test so all he had to do was apply for it but without the motivation he couldn't be bothered. That was several years ago so if he wanted to try again he'd have to pay for more lessons. My parents are shocked at how much he spent and then didn't even sit the test but without the motivation he just couldn't be bothered.

Having your partner degrading and shaming you for not driving is really not going to motivate you! Unless you are putting a lot of pressure on your OH to drive you places or you take a lot of trips that require they do all the driving I can understand you not having an interest in learning. Your OH has no right to speak to you like they have. If it's causing them stress they should speak to you like an adult about the issue.

Big Bag of Chips

I think after being together for 7 years and living together that it is fair to say your partner does a lot of driving they wouldn't have to do if you drove. You're sharing your life. Sharing a home. But this one thing will always be her responsibility. You say you don't need a car, and don't really look for lifts from your partner. But maybe, sometimes, they'd like the chance to not drive somewhere and get you to share the load occasionally.
They shouldn't speak to you the way they do. But you shouldn't continue to make empty promises. You need to decide if not driving is more important to you than a 7 year relationship. Your partner might feel that this is showing a selfish immature side to you that is making them reconsider a future life with you, building a family etc.

You both need to talk to each other, without shouting and abuse. Find out WHY it means so much to her. Other than it being "embarrassing". And you need to have good reason why not driving is so important to you. And see can you find some middle ground.