Just out of an abusive relationship - Head is in a spin

LegacyUser

Hi,

So as the title suggests I'm just out of an abusive relationship and trying to come to terms with it.

I was with this guy for 2 years(luckily a relatively short amount of time compared to others in abusive relationships) and he has belittled, gaslighted, manipulated and constantly lied to me.
I always thought of myself as a strong minded person and for the most part I was, I called him out on a lot of his sh!t and he didn't like that. But obviously it caused arguments.

But between all of that he was a really lovely guy, genuine and we got on so well. Or so I thought....was that all lies too!? I don't know.

2 years of second guessing, anxiety and dread always bubbling under the surface it made me a shell of myself.

Coming out the other side 2 months on im finding it hard to cope. I know therapy will be suggested and I am currently doing that but I dont feel like it's enough.
I'm going between anger and confusion and sadness. Has anyone been through similar who could share any helpful tips?

Sorry for this post it's probably all over the place. Just having a low day.

Thanks

professore

HeadSpin wrote: »

But between all of that he was a really lovely guy, genuine and we got on so well. Or so I thought....was that all lies too!? I don't know.

It was all lies. Typical sociopathic behaviour. These types target people who "see the best" in everyone. You will find someone better.

eviltwin

Fair play for getting out. That takes courage.

You have to give it time. Your out of a relationship after two years which is hard enough to deal with anyway without all the other stuff.

2 months is nothing really and it's probably only now you are out the other side that you can properly start to process what happened. It's like a form of PTSD.

You are doing the right thing by getting counselling but be patient with it. It might be an idea to join a support group, SAFE Ireland and Women's Aid can recommend some in your area.

I hope you have had a complete break from your ex, that you aren't on each others social media, texting etc.

Just keep.doing what you are doing. To leave an abusive relationship takes guts and shows how strong you are. It's that strength that will get you through this.

Sephiroth_dude

Its only been two months, give it time, glad to hear you got out and be thankful there's no children involved, you don't have to see this man ever again.

Redser87

Two months is a short time. Fair play to you for escaping that situation. Is there anything you really wanted to do while you were with him... a trip, dance classes, learning a language? Now would be a good time to do it!

LegacyUser

eviltwin wrote: »

Fair play for getting out. That takes courage.

I hope you have had a complete break from your ex, that you aren't on each others social media, texting etc.

Thank you. The last few months of the relationship we did keep going back to eachother, there was some yo yo'ing going on for a while but it all blew up in the end. He was breadcrumbing me amd again I brought it up woth him amd he basically tild me to F off.
It was probably always going to end that way.

But no, zero contact now, I don't have a Facebook account and he's blocked on WhatsApp.

professore wrote: »

It was all lies. Typical sociopathic behaviour. These types target people who "see the best" in everyone. You will find someone better.

This is what I'm struggling with, that I let it happen to me. It's like quicksand, you don't notice how deep you get pulled in until you're neck deep.
And thankfully no children, a relatively clean cut escape.


Although I do know he has me made out to be an awful b!tch to his friends, but I don't care because I'm not worried about somebody who's never even met me's opinion of me.

Thanks for all the replies, it's nice to get it off my chest and I can't really talk about it to anyone else.

professore

HeadSpin wrote: »

Although I do know he has me made out to be an awful b!tch to his friends, but I don't care because I'm not worried about somebody who's never even met me's opinion of me.

He sounds like a real catch. Genuine people don't play the hot and cold game. If someone is doing that with you they are manipulating you. Drop like a hot potato. I was lucky to learn this lesson at 18 when I had my first and only headwrecking girlfriend.

And kudos to you for getting out of it, it will make you a stronger person.

otnomart

HeadSpin wrote: »

I can't really talk about it to anyone else.

I think you should talk about it to someone in real life, at least with a sister or a friend, as you will need their support after this.
Look after yourself OP.

Neyite

I found that it took a good six months to start feeling like normal again. The first two months I was incredibly fragile and all over the place, the next few I felt I was getting stronger and while I wasn't ok at that moment, I knew I would be. What I did was give myself a full year of a detox of sorts from any kind of relationships or dating, just to work on me. And looking back it was the best thing I every did for myself because I recognised traits in myself that made me malleable I suppose to people who are controlling and learned how to change that.

In my experience (and it seems similar to a lot of others who went through the same) was that we see the "good" side of the person as their true selves and the nastier abusive side of them as something that's fixable or intermittent and deny that part is part of them. I read a lot about the psychology of abusive relationships and and that helped. I also spoke to a counsellor who has experience with domestic abuse. I got a hardbound notebook and basically wrote down all my thoughts /anger/ hurt whatever I was feeling (after the year I had a ceremonial burning of it)

Between reading up on it, and talking it through with people who 'got' it, I learned an awful lot and became able to spot someone controlling very easily and very early on. This is the book I always recommend because it's a very easy read, and very insightful.

At the beginning it felt like he got all the friends and social circle in the split because most people believed his version of events and even friends I had before him "didn't want to get caught in the middle", so that hurt a lot. But now quite a few years on, I've no idea where he is. Last I heard he was working in a country that's known for treating women as inferior and my first thought was that that was right up his alley. My life isn't anything special but it's happy and full of lots of things that give me contentment and joy and I know me having that when he's incapable of attaining it himself would piss him off no end. And that's a nice feeling. :P

You've done the hardest bit - breaking off and being no contact. From here on it's about healing and being kind to yourself. You can do this.

LegacyUser

I had similar experiences in a previous relationship. My head was absolutely fried for a long time afterwards. I never spoke to them again as soon as we split, not even a text, it really is the only way. Once we randomly met and they kicked off within a few seconds but I held my own and didn’t react and that seemed to annoy them so much they just stormed off in usual dramatic fashion. There were arguments and full blown conversations with my ex going through my head constantly for months after we split. Even though I knew I was right in getting out it took a long time before the madness and anxiety in my head calmed down, no matter how much I tried to ignore it. A few years later and I still get shivers down my spine when I think of them. A couple of times I’ve seen them on the street driving past and my heart and body freeze up.
Anyway by looking after myself and getting my life back on track I eventually got to a place where I was happy again, and currently have a normal mature partner, and we haven’t had as much of an argument yet really after a year. So don’t let that relationship define you in any way. The toxicity drags you in and drags you down. Learn from it and you can only improve as a person and a potential partner.
I’m sure I was bad mouthed to everyone they knew too. I am sure they take absolutely zero responsibility for anything that happened, these people change reality and past to suit themselves so that they’re never in the wrong. It actually made me doubt myself so much because everything was always made out to be my fault. It makes me doubt some posters I see in here saying their partner did this and that and they’re abusive because my ex could have said all those things about me and 100% believed them, even though I was put through hell and attacked constantly. I feel panicky even writing this stuff tbh!
Anyway, don’t look back, work on yourself, in some ways I’m glad it happened to me because I’ve never felt more secure in myself and I know exactly how to spot these lunatics. Good luck.

LegacyUser

thisisgrate wrote: »

It actually made me doubt myself so much because everything was always made out to be my fault. It makes me doubt some posters I see in here saying their partner did this and that and they’re abusive because my ex could have said all those things about me and 100% believed them, even though I was put through hell and attacked constantly.

Yes I also have a few trust issues since because of the level of cognitive dissonance and constant projections and projections that were not just directly towards me. Any scenario they could find that may have been similar to ours, they would talk about as though they were talking from my point of view. I think this was a way for them to alleviate their guilt but take on no responsibility for it. It just turned my mind to mush. I looked the same (when my eyes weren't puffed up from crying) but I didn't recognise myself.

I don't know what it was but I was definitely sent down into a rabbit hole by this person and a lot of the things said here resonate with me. I started getting tension headaches, anxiety, nightmares, physically vomited several times after dealing with them, crying a lot, self esteem is very low right now and had a stream of chest infections. I can't go to counselling and I don't have anyone to talk to about it with either. I think that's one of the reasons I stayed so long because I kept going back to try to make sense of it all and my self esteem was knocked very early in the relationship that I thought I needed their acceptance but that just made things worse. Im trying to process it by myself.

I dont have much advice but I just wanted you to know that you are not the only one Mindspin and reading your post and the responses given has helped me out a lot today.

LegacyUser

Op again...


Thanks everyone for your replies, I'm sorry to hear others have been through the same , it's a horrible situation to find yourself in.

One major worry of mine is that my ex is in a position of power within society and uses this power for his own gain and control.
At the click of a button he can look at my medical records, bank account, WhatsApp messages...and any of yours if he felt like it.
I can never fully be away from him really. If he felt like checking up on me he can get one of his colleagues to look all this stuff up in seconds.

He could put me in a no flight list, and if I was to book a flight next week he could stop me going and just sit back and laugh at it.

I'm just left paranoid and broken , yet that fight that was always in me before I met him wants to stick it to him and let him know he can't treat people like that.
But I can't do anything and I won't. Best not to rock the boat. Better to fade away in silence I suppose

Steviesol

OP

Read Don Hennessys book "how he gets into her head"

See how these guys work, so you are prepared in the future.

Well done, be careful when he tries contacting you again. Never respond. He's dead ! Best of luck.

LegacyUser

.4444. wrote: »

I can't go to counselling and I don't have anyone to talk to about it with either.

I dont have much advice but I just wanted you to know that you are not the only one Mindspin and reading your post and the responses given has helped me out a lot today.

I'm sorry to hear your story, feel free to use this thread to talk if you like.

I don't want to talk about this to my sister's for their own sakes. I don't want them to be worried about me but also I'm half embarrassed to admit I put up with that crap for so long. They know I'm not a shrinking violet but I knew they could see I wasn't myself when I was with him.

One sister in particular, if I told her everything, would nearly go bang his door down and punch him square in the face for treating me so badly.
But he lives for that stuff. With the click of a button he could ruin her life and not think twice about it. And in his fúcked up head it would be justified. So I can't say anything.

LegacyUser

HeadSpin wrote: »

I'm just left paranoid and broken , yet that fight that was always in me before I met him wants to stick it to him and let him know he can't treat people like that.
But I can't do anything and I won't. Best not to rock the boat. Better to fade away in silence I suppose

That's the thing about these people. They do things that technically are not illegal like subtle threats, harassment that you can't prove so it ends up that you have to lose out like leave jobs, move town etc. I practically begged this person to "let's just be friends", "ok if you want we can try to be together", "ok we can agree to ignore each other" but they wouldn't agree to any of it. They were completely selfish and unreasonable.

The way I feel now is totally let down by society not that I think there's much that can be done, by the opposite sex, just let down by many things. It can be better to fade away in silence. It's just hard because it goes against what you believe, how you've been taught right from wrong. It is best not to rock the boat but its not fair.

zapper55

You aren't with him any more, that's sticking it to him. You will drive yourself mad thinking about the unfairness of it.

I knew someone like this and while he was charming and persuasive on the surface underneath it all he hated himself and hated the world, he was very mentally ill. My revenge was a life lived well.

And if you get any inkling that you are being checked up on report his sorry ass to the relevant commissioner. Garda I presume. If you are worried about being put on a no fly list etc then I would leave a letter with your solicitor outlining your concern in case that does happen.

It'll give you peace of mind that if something does happen someone else knows what's going on.

Also get counselling. It's essential when you are coming out of a situation like this.

eviltwin

HeadSpin wrote: »

Op again...


Thanks everyone for your replies, I'm sorry to hear others have been through the same , it's a horrible situation to find yourself in.

One major worry of mine is that my ex is in a position of power within society and uses this power for his own gain and control.
At the click of a button he can look at my medical records, bank account, WhatsApp messages...and any of yours if he felt like it.
I can never fully be away from him really. If he felt like checking up on me he can get one of his colleagues to look all this stuff up in seconds.

He could put me in a no flight list, and if I was to book a flight next week he could stop me going and just sit back and laugh at it.

I'm just left paranoid and broken , yet that fight that was always in me before I met him wants to stick it to him and let him know he can't treat people like that.
But I can't do anything and I won't. Best not to rock the boat. Better to fade away in silence I suppose

That's all part of the power and control. He wants you to think he still can control you even when he's not in your life anymore.

Realistically what can he do? Arent there procedures to follow in things like this? Is he really able to do this or was this something he said to keep you afraid?

What kind of job does he have that he could look at anything as diverse as medical records to texts? Sounds like he's full of bs to be honest.

Neyite

All of the databases you mention are not linked and can't be accessed by anyone that does not have reason or authorisation such as a court order to view your details. Hopefully someone more familiar with it can explain it better than I can. But even if he did have access through his job to sensitive data, all those systems leave audit trails so he and his colleagues could be fired on the spot for using their access to spy on you. When you work in the HSE for example, you could be fired for viewing medical records of someone you had no legitimate reason to access such as your ex's.

If he has told you something or given you some sort of 'proof' that he's viewed your bank /whatsapp data then if I were you I'd get your phone or tablet checked by a tech shop for tracking software such as a keylogger app or that he's not set up an autoforward from your email.

Be careful OP. It's the most dangerous time for an abuse victim when you leave or have left the abuser. I really think you should get your devices checked out as soon as possible and I think you should also have a chat with your local Gardai, specifically ones trained in Domestic Abuse. If he's saying he can check on you at any time through those systems and you have reason to believe that, then chatting with a Garda might be a good way to reassure you.

LegacyUser

He's in the Army

I've heard with my own ears recordings of phone calls on his own phone that Intel have sent him

leggo

HeadSpin wrote: »

One major worry of mine is that my ex is in a position of power within society and uses this power for his own gain and control.
At the click of a button he can look at my medical records, bank account, WhatsApp messages...and any of yours if he felt like it.
I can never fully be away from him really. If he felt like checking up on me he can get one of his colleagues to look all this stuff up in seconds.

He's waffling there. Even the Taoiseach can't do all of those things, they're not linked. If he's a Garda, he can look at your criminal record (if you even have any). If he's in the HSE and has a certain level of clearance, he could access your medical record. Whatsapp, for example, have an encrypted messaging service which can't be accessed by an outside source and they've gotten a lot of pressure from governments for refusing to change this (now, of course, if you were being investigated for a crime Gardaí could confiscate your phone but that's completely different).

As stated, he may have set up a tracker on your phone for example and that's worth investigating, but when the tales are as tall as he's spinning them I'd say the most likely scenario is he's just lied about this info here to get you worried.

Well done on walking away OP. You'll be rid of him forever soon enough and onto much better things. Just remember that you didn't ask for or deserve any of that treatment and learn from it to not settle for anything less than what you do deserve.

Neyite

Hopefully someone from an army background can reassure you better here but if they use surveillance equipment in their job then the usage of that equipment has to be very tightly controlled and documented. They can't just access anything for the craic. They just can't.

His colleagues would not put their career on the line to hack into a mate's ex's GP records or your bank, even if they had the technology to do that, which they don't.

It's more likely he's got an app on his phone that recorded that conversation you heard, that he sent to a colleague and he asked that it gets sent back to him so it looks like it was from Intel. To scare you into thinking you can be put under surveillance. And it's worked.

Seriously, get your devices checked by a tech shop.

Kalimah

I'd second all of that, that others have said here. None of those systems are linked and as someone said even the Taoiseach hasn't those powers. I have a relative working at management level in Revenue and even she can't access my records on my request.
I'd go down the route as others have advised to get your electronic devices checked for tracking software.
I wish you all the best. You've got plenty of support here. If you could talk to a sister or good friend that'd be great.

LegacyUser

Thank you all again. I know I sound like a raving lunatic now, and maybe that was his aim.

I'm just wondering how else he could possibly get a recording of a private phone call between two people.
I heard it myself, it wasn't recorded with his phone's microphone behind the bushes while he was eavesdropping on these people.

If all of this is true, someone from the army isn't going to come on here and admit it.... I'll probably be tracked down, bundled into the back of a van and never be heard from again!

LegacyUser

Headspin wrote: »

I'm sorry to hear your story, feel free to use this thread to talk if you like.

I don't want to talk about this to my sister's for their own sakes. I don't want them to be worried about me but also I'm half embarrassed to admit I put up with that crap for so long. They know I'm not a shrinking violet but I knew they could see I wasn't myself when I was with him.

One sister in particular, if I told her everything, would nearly go bang his door down and punch him square in the face for treating me so badly.
But he lives for that stuff. With the click of a button he could ruin her life and not think twice about it. And in his fúcked up head it would be justified. So I can't say anything.

Thankyou Headspin. Yea me too. I don't know how I put up with it. Yes they got off on creating trouble and they were unable to accept that they were not the person they claimed to be while at the same time almost bragging about how abusive they were. Seemed to be what this person was mainly about. Just looking for someone to enable them.

Be proud of yourself for getting out. Im going to start. I was confident before and I don't normally have these issues with people so I am going to try to think more positive and looking forward to getting to that place again.

For the most part I didn't put up with it but this person was only willing to interpret their version of events and create their own role for me in that and being around them was toxic since they refused to accept reality. I just think they were a wind up merchant. Manipulating, mocking, guilt trips etc. There were some nice sides but I think Neyite said it best that the nice side and the bad side are both there. In many ways the "nice" part was really just as bad in my case cause it was just setting me up for a fall.

I'm having a good day today and seeing this person for who they are. Sorry if I went off on a rant but it's still very raw right now. Trying to think positive xx

Ghekko

HeadSpin wrote: »

Op again...


Thanks everyone for your replies, I'm sorry to hear others have been through the same , it's a horrible situation to find yourself in.

One major worry of mine is that my ex is in a position of power within society and uses this power for his own gain and control.
At the click of a button he can look at my medical records, bank account, WhatsApp messages...and any of yours if he felt like it.
I can never fully be away from him really. If he felt like checking up on me he can get one of his colleagues to look all this stuff up in seconds.

He could put me in a no flight list, and if I was to book a flight next week he could stop me going and just sit back and laugh at it.

I'm just left paranoid and broken , yet that fight that was always in me before I met him wants to stick it to him and let him know he can't treat people like that.
But I can't do anything and I won't. Best not to rock the boat. Better to fade away in silence I suppose

Im pretty sure colleagues in any profession wouldn't look up a random person without good reason. In this day and age of data protection even a bank teller cannot look up accounts without good reason. It wouldn't be worth it if they got caught. If I'd looked up someone's account it would show up under my ID number and I could be queried. That was 10 years ago so I'm sure they have clamped down even harder now. So I don't think you need worry about him stalking every bit of your personal life.

ShaShaBear

HeadSpin wrote: »

Thank you all again. I know I sound like a raving lunatic now, and maybe that was his aim.

I'm just wondering how else he could possibly get a recording of a private phone call between two people.
I heard it myself, it wasn't recorded with his phone's microphone behind the bushes while he was eavesdropping on these people.

If all of this is true, someone from the army isn't going to come on here and admit it.... I'll probably be tracked down, bundled into the back of a van and never be heard from again!

OP, my husband was in the army and said absolutely not - if it were the case, a lot of the people working there would be in a hell of a lot more trouble for the things they did, said, broke and misplaced.
Besides - even if they could, "Intel" wouldn't be sending him recordings of people's phone conversations to his personal mobile phone
He also cannot access your medical records or texts. 100% he is trying to frighten you into living a shadowed life now that you've left him and as far as you think, he knows your every move. He really, truly doesn't.

AndrewJRenko

HeadSpin wrote: »

Thank you all again. I know I sound like a raving lunatic now, and maybe that was his aim.

I'm just wondering how else he could possibly get a recording of a private phone call between two people.
I heard it myself, it wasn't recorded with his phone's microphone behind the bushes while he was eavesdropping on these people.

If all of this is true, someone from the army isn't going to come on here and admit it.... I'll probably be tracked down, bundled into the back of a van and never be heard from again!

He has been exaggerating to you. But either way, there are fairly simple solutions available. Change your phone and your phone number as soon as Possible. It will be worth the cost to get peace of mind. You could change your bank account and your GP too, if that's what you need to let you sleep soundly.

LegacyUser

ShaShaBear wrote: »

OP, my husband was in the army and said absolutely not - if it were the case, a lot of the people working there would be in a hell of a lot more trouble for the things they did, said, broke and misplaced.
Besides - even if they could, "Intel" wouldn't be sending him recordings of people's phone conversations to his personal mobile phone

Hi, thanks for your reply....sorry to ask, but could you ask your husband do the same rules apply to the Ranger Wing?
I know they deal with more serious stuff than the average soldier so just want to make sure

ShaShaBear

HeadSpin wrote: »

Hi, thanks for your reply....sorry to ask, but could you ask your husband do the same rules apply to the Ranger Wing?
I know they deal with more serious stuff than the average soldier so just want to make sure

Nobody in the Army has the clearance to access random people's personal information. They aren't the FBI and they certainly will not track you down and bundle you into the back of a van either! They don't track your movements, they don't stalk your online presence, they can't just randomly access your phone records or stop you from getting on a flight. Literally none of that is going to happen. He has literally done this to terrify you into living a shadowed existence so he could get a good laugh out of imagining you in your house with the blinds drawn, all your electronic devices off and a tinfoil hat on. Please go on and live your life and stop worrying - everything he said is a lie.

Ursus Horribilis

Maybe you should change your number just to put your mind at rest. And have your phone checked out just in case he has some sort of spy ware on it.

LegacyUser

He has really done a number on me hasn't he:(
I've never been so paranoid in my life.
I feel so stupid, how could I let this happen to me, to be fooled by such a compulsive liar.
I spotted all the Red flags and just ignored them.
More fool me.


Thanks everyone for your replies, I've been wanting to get a new phone soon anyway so I will get a new number while I'm at it.
Good riddance to him.