Marriage problems

J Mysterio

baby and crumble wrote: »

I always remember when we were kids that my parents, once a month, had 'date night'. This was back in the 80's, and nobody had much money. That night we were told that we had to go to bed early, because it was date night and my parents needed that time for themselves. They took turns cooking, and making the kitchen into a little restaurant for the evening. They both dressed up as if they were going out. It was a small thing but it really helped solidify their marriage and their intimacy, I think. Making an effort for your partner can be half the battle. That's as much on you as it is on her.

Just an idea.

Very romantic and heartwarming.

SusanC10

OP - if there is any way at all that you can talk openly and honestly to your wife about how you are feeling please do. And ask her if she can to be honest with you about how she is feeling.

I am in my early 40's and am going through the Menopause. It is the worst I have ever felt about myself on a consistent ongoing basis including post child-birth. And there is no end in sight.

I did not tell my Husband for a long time how bad the symptoms actually were and how badly they affected me. He did not tell me how he really felt about the dramatic drop in my libido and the lack of real intimacy.
We would normally be good at communicating with each other but for some reason it took a while for us to be honest with each other about this.

It came to a head and I told him everything and he reciprocated. Things have greatly improved. I still don't feel like being intimate a lot of the time but I try harder to get in the mood and ignore as much as possible the symptoms. He is very patient with me. We take things slower.

We do Date Nights. Every 2 weeks. Sometimes we go out but mostly we stay in and take turns cooking and have a nice bottle of wine. It does help to focus on each other. We are also quite affectionate (and always have been) with each other - lots of kisses, hugs, hold hands, sit close to each other on the couch. It all helps.

Please try to talk to your wife.

Sardonicat

strandroad wrote: »

Sardonicat wrote: »

The woman is in her early 40s. It's doubtful that menopause has even started yet!

It's unusual, but it happens often enough. It must be quite a blow to get it so early too. I've a family member who compared her menopause to her cancer recovery and said that menopause was worse - her body was failing her daily in the strangest ways.

Apologies. I re read the OP and this lady is indeed going through early menopause.

Up Donegal

isthisthereallife wrote: »

Anyway, I have pursued other options, as I still have blood running through my veins and want to have sex. Although finding someone to have sex with when you're a married man with kids is nigh impossible let me tell you!

I believe that in a situation like this, where there is little or no sex between spouses/partners, the person not getting the sex she/he wants or desires should explore a ‘friends with benefits’ arrangement. While neither the ideal nor the perfect solution, a clearly-defined arrangement of this sort might be what keeps a couple together – if one wants sex at home and knows he/she won’t get it and that looking or asking for it from their other half would end up with a row, a FWB might be an option to consider. But beware of the consequences if all goes pear-shaped.
And, yes, you’re correct in saying that “…finding someone to have sex with when you're a married man with kids is nigh impossible let me tell you!"

SusanC10

HarveyHunt wrote: »

We need an honest conversation about human sexuality, your wife isn't bored of sex, she's bored of sex with you.

How do you know that ?

Personally, I am not bored of sex with my Husband. I am embarrassed and uncomfortable in my own body and exhausted due to the various horrible symptoms of an early menopause.
Due to eventually talking honestly about it with him, I am getting over the embarrassment despite my natural reactions.

wiggle16

HarveyHunt

The OP has specifically stated that his wife is going through menopause and that that is the reason for the loss of intimacy. It has nothing whatsoever to do with his wife's interest in him.

This is not the place to have an "honest", as you would have it, discussion about sexuality or monogamy - you are supposed to offer advice to the OP, not chuck in a cheap ad hominem.

Do not post in this thread again.

LegacyUser

SusanC10 wrote: »

I am in my early 40's and am going through the Menopause. It is the worst I have ever felt about myself on a consistent ongoing basis including post child-birth. And there is no end in sight.

I did not tell my Husband for a long time how bad the symptoms actually were and how badly they affected me. He did not tell me how he really felt about the dramatic drop in my libido and the lack of real intimacy.
We would normally be good at communicating with each other but for some reason it took a while for us to be honest with each other about this.

Thanks for your post on this. It is very helpful to get the view of someone going through it. I am trying to open communication. It is hard as we have been very busy the last few months and haven't had much personal time. It has been a while since a date night but we are out this weekend for a meal.

To be honest I feel like I have lost desire for a physical relationship with her as it is not reciprocated. I don't see a way back for that but I am not going to leave her over it.

Big Bag of Chips

OP, it's very important that you try talk to her. I know when we are in a situation it's difficult to think of others. But often in these types of threads we hear one person's story. There is a second person too. And realistically, if you are unhappy in your marriage it is very likely that she too is unhappy. Its unlikely that she's going around delighted with life believing everything is rosie.

Make time for each other. Talk to each other. It's hard to be intimate or to imagine being intimate with someone if you've lost that connection with each other. The menopause was a trigger for this, but life and stresses and everything else will be adding to it. It's nice you got out together. It's definitely something you should try to make a regular thing. Life can take its toll on relationships. Add medical complications and loss of intimacy, physical and emotional and the problem seems insurmountable.

nikkibikki

Make regular date night a priority. Look at it this way, if you (plural) don't put the effort into the relationship, it'll crumble eventually and the kids will suffer. Take time out for each other and hopefully you can stop that happening. We've actually scheduled date nights in our Google calendars. Every 4 weeks, taking it in turns. We're both working and studying and raising 3 kids but we do this not just for us, but for them too.

OP you seem to love your wife immensely. Focus on that. That connection can be rekindled. Intimacy can start with small things like holding hands. My husband or I would never leave or enter the house without giving the other a kiss goodbye or hello. Always a kiss good morning and good night. We still snuggle watching tv, over 14 years together now. All these things keep us connected.

SusanC10

OP - I know it's hard to talk about these kind of things and normally I would be the one in our relationship taking the lead here but for some reason I couldn't talk about this.
We had been doing Date Nights (mostly at home) every 2 weeks but we had stopped. We were very busy and seemed to be always going in different directions with a Kid in tow to Activities, Training, Parties at.

When we eventually talked it was about a week into our summer holiday. Normally our levels of intimacy would increase then but they hadn't this time despite his efforts.
We had been out to dinner, had a couple of glasses of Wine etc. Got back to the house and put the Kids to bed. My husband asked me to have a drink on the Veranda before bed. I was going to say No - I was tired but I didn't.
He took the bull by the horns and told me how he was feeling. I broke down and told him exactly how things were for me and how I felt about my body.
To be honest while I had been aware that we weren't being intimate frequently enough for him I was too caught up in how I was feeling myself to.really appreciate it.
That was our turning point.
We hold hands when we walk. We kiss hello and goodbye. We snuggle on the couch. The date nights are back. He asks how I am if I look a bit off and I tell him the truth now.
It all takes effort but it is worth it.

Please try to make time and space to talk to your wife.

wiggle16

kerryjack, your post falls far short of the standard accepted in PI. Do not post in this thread again.