Marriage problems

LegacyUser

I'm looking for opinions on what I can do to save my marriage. A bit of background. My wife an I are married around 10 years. We have two kids and are both in our 40s. A few years ago my wife went into menopause. It has been hard on her. I have been supportive, in as much as I can. She lost all interest or ability to have sex. So as to be understanding I don't push it. Well its been over a year now, and as far as I can see nothing is going to change.

I don't really know what I want. I don't think she will be interested in sex, and to be honest, I am finding that I am losing my attraction to her. So what do I do? I don't really want to break up with her, as there are kids involved. We get on ok. A bit like a team raising the kids. No real intimacy. I just wonder is that it?

Any ideas?

zapper55

If she felt attractive and was interested in sex again do you think your attraction might come back?

Has she considered hormones or spoken to her GP?

august12

abitlosttbh wrote:

Any ideas?

Are you a good support to her, do you help at home with the kids, housework, decision making, do you treat her to days out, meals, cinema etc. This can make all the difference in a relationship.

LegacyUser

I'm in a similar boat. Early 40s, wife hasn't wanted sex for years. I don't want it from her now anyway at this stage. I tried absolutely everything but she wasn't interested. I guess she just doesn't fancy me any more, as I'm sure she'd have no problem getting in the mood for someone she did fancy!
The whole thing has made me cynical about relationships really. Everyone here will tell you they're having amazing sex every day with their partners after 15 years together but from talking to friends etc. I think we are more like the reality for most.
Anyway, I have pursued other options, as I still have blood running through my veins and want to have sex. Although finding someone to have sex with when you're a married man with kids is nigh impossible let me tell you!
I guess we're kind of living together for the kids now but I'm saving to get out as soon as I can and start a new life. I'd rather never have sex again and be on my own than stuck with her.
So I'm looking forward to being alone and not having to live with her in a sexless relationship, and getting joint custody of the kids (if all goes well...).
You need to think of ways to get out, she's not going to start fancying you again overnight.

baby and crumble

august12 wrote: »

Are you a good support to her, do you help at home with the kids, housework, decision making, do you treat her to days out, meals, cinema etc. This can make all the difference in a relationship.

I always think this is such a cop out. It's the first thing so many people go to but what about the fact that just as much as equal household duties are a part of marriage so is a sex life? Why should a partner basically have to treat his/her wife/husband to meals out and the cinema to ensure intimacy is on the cards? It also assumes that sex is something that can be weaponised and held back to get parity in a relationship. That's just immature and sh*tty behaviour tbh.

OP, have you spoken with your wife about this issue? She might not realise it's a problem, if you haven't. Or, if her hormones are all over the shop then she herself might be wanting more intimacy/sex but her body won't 'play ball' so to speak. If that's the case ye might both be feeling the same but not realising it.

If she just won't engage on the issue then I don't know what to tell you.

LegacyUser

Thanks for the replies.

I am helpful around the house. I would go as far as to say that I do 50% of the work. My wife works early so I get them out to school in the mornings. She does more in the evenings but probably runs out even.

We have talked about it a couple of times. It is awkward but we have agreed to try and work more at it but it really is just words. I probably haven't spoken about my feelings in relation to sex.

In relation to my wife feeling attractive there could be something in that. We don't have a lot of money so my wife wouldn't get to buy lots of nice clothes. We don't go out much. Also there are some physical elements to the menopause which probably don't help your self confidence.

LegacyUser

isthisthereallife wrote: »

I'm in a similar boat. Early 40s, wife hasn't wanted sex for years. I don't want it from her now anyway at this stage. I tried absolutely everything but she wasn't interested. I guess she just doesn't fancy me any more, as I'm sure she'd have no problem getting in the mood for someone she did fancy!
...

You need to think of ways to get out, she's not going to start fancying you again overnight.

I'm glad to hear I'm not alone (although sorry for you). I fear you are right that she won't start fancying me again. Just not ready to leave the family yet.

I still want my family more than being loved. I suppose having typed it, I do missed being loved by someone. Like when we first went out together (and other relationships), Instead of just being a father to her children.

baby and crumble

abitlosttbh wrote: »

We have talked about it a couple of times. It is awkward but we have agreed to try and work more at it but it really is just words. I probably haven't spoken about my feelings in relation to sex.

To be honest, speaking from experience you have to work through the awfulness and awkwardness or it won't improve. The way I look at it though is if you're not embarassed about sticking your bits in her why are you embarassed about talking about it? Easier said than done I know, but you get where I'm going.

My advice is to calmly talk about it somewhere relatively neutral- like the kitchen or something once the kids are in bed. Just be totally honest with her and tell her your're unhappy, but tell her what you've told us. That you miss the intimacy, and that you'd like to get things back on track. Don't blame her, it's not her fault at all, just like it's not yours. It's just a crappy thing that's happened, and it happens to alot of us.

If you're really not attracted to her, then I suppose you have to decide if you want to continue as a partnership and forget about that side of things. It's doable, although you might both be fairly miserable. Maybe don't tell her straight out that you don't fancy her anymore, because it's actually likely you probably still do a little.

Do you get much time together away from the kids, on your own as a couple? I think that's probably more important than equal housework etc. It can be hard to feel cool and sexy with your partner if you only ever see each other in work or chill out clothes. If you can manage a swanky night out or a date - even if it's to something like a play or something a little 'fancier' than a cinema trip, it might put a little spark back. Even if you don't have sex that night, it will probably remind her that she's attracted to you, and vice versa.

I always remember when we were kids that my parents, once a month, had 'date night'. This was back in the 80's, and nobody had much money. That night we were told that we had to go to bed early, because it was date night and my parents needed that time for themselves. They took turns cooking, and making the kitchen into a little restaurant for the evening. They both dressed up as if they were going out. It was a small thing but it really helped solidify their marriage and their intimacy, I think. Making an effort for your partner can be half the battle. That's as much on you as it is on her.

Just an idea.

TheBoyConor

This comes up time and time again on Boards.

Unfortunately the trend is that things don't improve in any substantial way in the long term.
When a relationship is done, it's done.

My personal opinion is that there is no point flogging a dead horse and you should step back and consider calling it quits.
It's actually fairer on the kids if unhappy parents agree to break up and not be living a miserable false charade of a marriage.

If you were to broach the subject of separation and divorce with her, how do you think she might take it?

nikkibikki

baby and crumble wrote:

I always think this is such a cop out. It's the first thing so many people go to but what about the fact that just as much as equal household duties are a part of marriage so is a sex life? Why should a partner basically have to treat his/her wife/husband to meals out and the cinema to ensure intimacy is on the cards? It also assumes that sex is something that can be weaponised and held back to get parity in a relationship. That's just immature and sh*tty behaviour tbh.

I don't think that's what the poster was getting at, at all. Just that resuming intimacy takes effort in every aspect of a relationship and someone needs to make the first move.

abitlosttbh wrote:

We have talked about it a couple of times. It is awkward but we have agreed to try and work more at it but it really is just words. I probably haven't spoken about my feelings in relation to sex.

To be blunt, are ye not a bit long in the tooth to be feeling awkward about taking to your wife about sex? You need to move past this awkwardness and just get it all out there.

TheBoyConor wrote:

Unfortunately the trend is that things don't improve in any substantial way in the long term. When a relationship is done, it's done.

This relationship doesn't sound like it's done. It's not far off it but it has a few glowing embers I think.

I second date night. I've gone so far as putting in our Google calendar and a reminder the day before. Every 4 weeks and we take turns.

OP, is there any intimacy at all? Kiss goodnight? At least daily "I love you?" Snuggles watching tv? This type of intimacy is important too.

professore

What was your sex life like before? I don't think she has lost the "ability" to have sex.

Maybe she needs to get on HRT?

In many cases after a divorce many women and men suddenly become sex fiends with their new partners after having no interest for years with their spouses - only for the status quo to return after a year or two. Lots of people are just not that interested in sex. That's why I ask what things were like before the menopause.

Another comment - there seems to be a default response here about helping out more around the house, with the kids etc to "deserve" sex. In my opinion anyone who thinks like this shows a huge lack of respect and is not worthy of being your spouse as they use sex as a tool to control you. Similar to the old style husband withholding his paycheck from the wife in order to get sex and her submission.
You should help around the house because it's the right thing to do - not to get sex.

august12

baby and crumble wrote:

Do you get much time together away from the kids, on your own as a couple? I think that's probably more important than equal housework etc. It can be hard to feel cool and sexy with your partner if you only ever see each other in work or chill out clothes. If you can manage a swanky night out or a date - even if it's to something like a play or something a little 'fancier' than a cinema trip, it might put a little spark back. Even if you don't have sex that night, it will probably remind her that she's attracted to you, and vice versa.

Exactly what I mentioned above, sometime together but you felt the need to rip my post apart, i was only trying to be helpful to the OP and he clarified he was good to share the responsibilities so there are other issues at play here, time for a good chat to determine what the issue is.

august12

professore wrote:

Another comment - there seems to be a default response here about helping out more around the house, with the kids etc to "deserve" sex. In my opinion anyone who thinks like this shows a huge lack of respect and is not worthy of being your spouse as they use sex as a tool to control you. Similar to the old style husband withholding his paycheck from the wife in order to get sex and her submission. You should help around the house because it's the right thing to do - not to get sex.

I don't get this, that is not the point at all, if some one does sweet feick all in the marriage and behaves more like a child than a partner, then you think the other spouse should perform all the bedroom duties, as another poster commented above, it takes two to make a marriage work.

august12

nikkibikki wrote:

I don't think that's what the poster was getting at, at all. Just that resuming intimacy takes effort in every aspect of a relationship and someone needs to make the first move.

Thanks, you seem to be one of the few people who seem to understand the point I was making,

Big Bag of Chips

I don't think anyone was suggesting helping with housework in order to "deserve" sex, and people who look at it that way are missing the point completely. If one person is run ragged doing the lion's share then that leads to exhaustion, and often times resentment of the partner who doesn't pull their weight. Resentment and exhaustion are never going to lead to intimacy! But that doesn't seem to be an issue for the OP.

It really does come down to communication. I'm always amazed at the amount of people who jump to "No point trying anything, just end the marriage" based on a few lines by an OP. You need to talk to your wife. You only mention that these issues started with the onset of the menopause. If so, then maybe a visit to her GP is needed. If you really do want to save your family, and be a unit for your children then you're going to have to get over the embarrassment of talking about things. An honest talk about how you are both feeling at this point. What your hopes and expectations are. Don't let her fob you off, but don't go straight in to "I'm leaving if we don't start having sex again".

All you can do is talk to each other. A lot more relationships would benefit from just learning how to communicate with each other. If it's something you font have the skills to do yourself, then look for the guidance of a marriage counsellor.

LirW

Just to throw something in that stood out for me: is she done with her menopause or is she in it? This is a process that can take years and while some fly through it, some struggle with themselves and the changes their body makes. Unfortunately there's no equivalent for men so it might be difficult to understand.
Anyway, menopause for many is still a taboo and it is a difficult topic to talk about for many. There are useful homepages about it, arm yourself with knowledge and compassion and talk to her openly, you're in a relationship, you surely can talk about sex with each other. Convince her to go to the GP to get her bloods done and hormones checked.
It could very well be that she really wants to have sex but her body shuts down when it gets closer to it. It's very discouraging and hard to admit because it feels like your body is broken.
I was in the same situation when I took certain meds and I'm still far away from menopause but it was an awful feeling.

Maybe try that and take it from there and please tell her openly how you feel and how difficult it is.

baby and crumble

august12 wrote: »

Exactly what I mentioned above, sometime together but you felt the need to rip my post apart, i was only trying to be helpful to the OP and he clarified he was good to share the responsibilities so there are other issues at play here, time for a good chat to determine what the issue is.

I didn’t “rip” your post apart. I just said what I honestly believe. Same as you. And it is relevant, because the default is to assume the guy isn’t pulling his weight.

LegacyUser

professore wrote: »

What was your sex life like before? I don't think she has lost the "ability" to have sex.

Maybe she needs to get on HRT?

It was good before kids, the patchy enough when they arrived.

She is a nurse so she would be all over that. She is on some drugs. I'm not sure what.

professore wrote: »

You should help around the house because it's the right thing to do - not to get sex.

Yeah to be fair to her she is not withholding like that.

TheBoyConor wrote: »

If you were to broach the subject of separation and divorce with her, how do you think she might take it?

Awful tbh. I think I would take it hard too. I would feel like a failure. Like I let everyone down.

baby and crumble wrote: »

To be honest, speaking from experience you have to work through the awfulness and awkwardness or it won't improve. The way I look at it though is if you're not embarassed about sticking your bits in her why are you embarassed about talking about it? Easier said than done I know, but you get where I'm going.

Yes I think I need to get beyond this. I have brought it up a few times and it is awkward but, as other posters have pointed out, we are a bit gone past being embarrassed. My old catholic education coming to the fore..

baby and crumble wrote: »

My advice is to calmly talk about it somewhere relatively neutral- like the kitchen or something once the kids are in bed. Just be totally honest with her and tell her your're unhappy, but tell her what you've told us. That you miss the intimacy, and that you'd like to get things back on track. Don't blame her, it's not her fault at all, just like it's not yours. It's just a crappy thing that's happened, and it happens to alot of us.
.

Yes going to raise it in the next day or two. I have to remember to use 'I' rather than 'You'.

baby and crumble wrote: »

If you're really not attracted to her, then I suppose you have to decide if you want to continue as a partnership and forget about that side of things. It's doable, although you might both be fairly miserable. Maybe don't tell her straight out that you don't fancy her anymore, because it's actually likely you probably still do a little.
.

This is probably my biggest fear. that I have crossed the Rubicon, and that part of our relationship is over.

The rest of your post about your parents is really touching. Something in that for us all.

LirW wrote: »

It could very well be that she really wants to have sex but her body shuts down when it gets closer to it. It's very discouraging and hard to admit because it feels like your body is broken.
I was in the same situation when I took certain meds and I'm still far away from menopause but it was an awful feeling.

Maybe try that and take it from there and please tell her openly how you feel and how difficult it is.

I think we need to discuss it. I don't know whether she feels any interest in sex. I tried to initiate sex a month ago but she said in the middle of foreplay that "that's enough". Talk about a passion killer.........

zephyro

abitlosttbh wrote: »

She lost all interest or ability to have sex. So as to be understanding I don't push it. Well its been over a year now, and as far as I can see nothing is going to change.

isthisthereallife wrote: »

I'm in a similar boat. Early 40s, wife hasn't wanted sex for years.

There's been so many posts like this from men here that it has to be asked: do many men really not communicate and reach an agreement with their partners about sex before committing to spending the rest of their lives together??

abitlosttbh wrote: »

Any ideas?

Suggest that you have a conversation with her alone where you calmly and without criticism explain your unhappiness with the lack of intimacy and sex, and ask how she feels about it. If she feels the same and is genuinely prepared to do something about it, it's realistically fixable with some work and maybe professional help. If she doesn't though, you might ask what she suggests you do about the problem, your best course of action will probably be quite obvious based on her answer.

tara73

zephyro wrote: »

There's been so many posts like this from men here that it has to be asked: do many men really not communicate and reach an agreement with their partners about sex before committing to spending the rest of their lives together??
.

how would you do that? set up a written contract saying sex minimum twice a week is required?? that's ridiculous.

people and emotions or health changes. you can read here many times in other threads that the sex life was ok before and it changed when kids arrived or for whatever reason.

you can ask your partner before marriage to promise to never withdraw sex. and then? it will still happen if the other part, for whatever reason, decides to go without it.

sorry, but your suggestion to reach an agreement might work in theory but it's still not set in stone people will react to plan so to say.

osarusan

zephyro wrote: »

There's been so many posts like this from men here that it has to be asked: do many men really not communicate and reach an agreement with their partners about sex before committing to spending the rest of their lives together??

What kind of agreement do you mean? I can't even imagine how that could be achieved.

You've put a couple of surprised emojis like it comes as a shock to you, but I'm equally surprised - I've never heard of anybody trying to reach an agreement like that.

Glitter

osarusan wrote: »

What kind of agreement do you mean? I can't even imagine how that could be achieved.

You've put a couple of surprised emojis like it comes as a shock to you, but I'm equally surprised - I've never heard of anybody trying to reach an agreement like that.

I find it a bit shocking too tbh. Not like a contract or an "agreement" as such but how do people marry each other without having at least an "I never want to end up like those poor feckers in sexless marriages that keep cropping up all over Boards, do you? No? Great, let's try and work together to make sure that doesn't happen" conversation??

OP, you say you are both (mid?) 40's and this has been going on well over a year? That's on the early side for menopause. Are you able to talk openly with her about her visits to the GP and what meds she's on? I'm guessing not.
But as others have said, communication and working on this as a team is the only way to get through it.

ElizaBennett

I'm four years into a really great relationship that has kept the romance and sex going so far. Here are my two top tips that might help you now at this stage:
1) Always go to bed at the same time as each other - no staying up late gaming while the other reads in bed.
2) Sleep naked. It keeps you really close and intimate and it feels romantic even if it doesn't always lead to anything - though it usually does

I also agree with the idea of special nights out and dressing up and making an effort. It may not be too late and if you were to suggest the two things above, with no pressure for anything more on the agenda, it might at least make you feel closer again.

nikkibikki

abitlosttbh wrote:

I tried to initiate sex a month ago but she said in the middle of foreplay that "that's enough". Talk about a passion killer.........

More than a passion killer. It's a kick in the teeth. It's rejection. Ask her why? Might there be something psychological on her side stopping her from taking that next step? You've been more than patient, it's only fair enough that she needs to talk to you about it.

LirW

abitlosttbh wrote: »

I think we need to discuss it. I don't know whether she feels any interest in sex. I tried to initiate sex a month ago but she said in the middle of foreplay that "that's enough". Talk about a passion killer.........

I'm really sorry you're going through this.
Anyway, get her to talk what's the reason. You're together for so long, talking about sex, sexual emotion and sexual health shouldn't be awkward and a taboo.

I suspect that the menopause could have something to do with it. To be open, I'm on medication that's quite important for me but my libido took a hit. I often end up wanting to have sex but once engaged the body is simply not going along with it. It's frustrating and heartbreaking for me because it feels like I fail my partner. If she experiences something similar, she needs to see the GP and talk about it with you. An awful lot.
She needs to pay attention to her body's reaction , she needs to talk about what would get her going.

Maybe think about seeing a sexual therapist together.

Good luck.

sunshinew

I'm probably going to be lambasted for the generalisation here but I heard a quote about relationships once that resonated with me... Men need to have sex to feel loved and women need to feel loved to have sex. This in in relationships now, not your Saturday night out hook ups! You understandably, sound like you're feeling unloved now despite maybe all the other things your wife might do for you and you for her.
I see the side of the argument on here that you shouldn't have to take her out for dinner, do the housework, for her to sleep with you. I don't think it's that though, it's the intimacy of being alone together, talking, experiencing something new together on a date. Having those moments without forcing it as a prelude to sex might bring her back to you. Sometimes I've seen the date as foreplay myself, I need that couple of hours to get in the mood.
I'd also think she may have had a huge knock to her own self esteem. If she doesn't feel she's attractive herself there's little you can do. I've recently put on some weight. I'm disgusted by my own body. I'm still relatively slim but I can't contemplate dating. I'm so out of sorts with my own body I'd say my head wouldn't switch off in the act thinking of my new rolls of fat on show. Nothing to do with the poor guy who would be trying his best and wouldn't have a clue that last year I had a better body!
I'd say the menopause may have had both a hormonal effect and a change in how she sees herself. I'm wondering if you could both take up some new sport or something. If she got confidence back in herself in this new stage of her life it might bring back her spark in other areas.
I wish you the best of luck though. It's a sad story to hear and I'm sure a huge amount of relationships go through it. There needs to be more open discussions around menopause. Have a kind open chat with her, not about sex, but about how you miss her and the intimacy you used to have.

professore

abitlosttbh wrote: »

Yes I think I need to get beyond this. I have brought it up a few times and it is awkward but, as other posters have pointed out, we are a bit gone past being embarrassed. My old catholic education coming to the fore..

It's an issue never talked about - how the Catholic Church in Ireland repressed men's sexuality as much as women's sexuality. I still struggle with this myself even though I'm an atheist for a long time already.

The net result is I tend to sound angry when I talk about sex because I am struggling to talk about it because of shame. Something I have had to actively work on over the years.

Big Bag of Chips

Off topic posts deleted.

Please offer mature, constructive, civil advice to the OP when posting.

pwurple

She may not be out the other side of menopause yet. From talking to my own mother about it, it can take ten years. And within that ten years is insomnia, hot flushes, dry skin, mood swings, libido changes, exhaustion. Also, this has happened VERY early for her. None of her friends/colleagues might be going through this. She may not have come to terms with it.

You sound like a kind fella, and she sounds like a lovely woman too. There’s a lot going on maybe... and your patience is drying up without communication.

The “that’s enough “, you could also take as a hint that she wants to do this gradually, than outright rejection. Start with some foreplay, then leave it a few days, go a bit further the next time etc. it could be fear there that every time you touch her it’s sex pushed every time. I’m sure you have looked up the physical side of menopause at this stage, but sex might need some prep work/ assistance before being physically possible, for her. Do you have what you need there, on hand?

Sardonicat

The woman is in her early 40s. It's doubtful that menopause has even started yet!

strandroad

Sardonicat wrote: »

The woman is in her early 40s. It's doubtful that menopause has even started yet!

It's unusual, but it happens often enough. It must be quite a blow to get it so early too. I've a family member who compared her menopause to her cancer recovery and said that menopause was worse - her body was failing her daily in the strangest ways.