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Wife visited ex husband on his death bed

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    #32
    wiggle16
    Moderators, Society & Culture Moderators Posts: 3,022 Mod ✭✭✭✭wiggle16


    paw patrol wrote: »
    Nothing to do with the OP?
    only that he is her husband and been with him for 22 years.

    This guy has been nothing positive in their lives (as per the OP)
    maybe your view of marriage is different but mine is that you should include your spouse in decisions.
    The notion that it's nothing to do with her husband (the OP) is frankly nonsense.

    The Op isn't some fresh 3 month relationship , he is married to her.

    nobody implied the "undying love" bit to be fair.

    all this may be true but given the past 22 years the OP is quite within his rights to question all this.
    Thats my point.

    Yup, that's right. It has absolutely nothing to do with the OP. And there isn't always time for thorough discussion of decisions, notwithstanding the fact that it was entirely her decision to make.

    At one point she had another family with that man. He left her for another woman, but that did not change the fact that they had children. She has responsibilities towards them and does not need permission from her husband to be there for them.

    The reasoning that she went to the hospital to be there for her sons should be the only explanation anyone needs. Anything else is ephemeral, and purely her business. After 22 years of putting up with bad behaviour from an ex, it is still possible to be the bigger person and throw in the towel in a situation like this. After all she was the one putting up with it.

    And let's be fair: if "undying love" or some other sense of intimacy between the woman and her ex-husband is not the implicit premise that yourself and Patww79 wish to question, then what is? It did not need to be mentioned.

    In other words, if it's not insecurity, what is the issue? What has she done wrong and why should she have to explain herself?

    If you are not inferring from her actions that even after 22 years of crap from her ex, her loyalties might not lie entirely with the OP, then what is the problem?


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    #33
    Senature
    Registered Users Posts: 340 ✭✭Senature


    Well if she's at the hospital when he's dying she is going to see all his family members who are also there, it's not like she went around paying visits to each person's home.
    She has a certain place there, to support her sons. Personally I think she also needs to combine that with giving the man and his family privacy and space to say their goodbyes and deal with the situation. A difficult balancing act no doubt but important to be respectful to all concerned at such a difficult time.
    As an example, when my friend was a very young adult, her mum died in hospital after an illness. Her friend who drove her to the hospital the night her mum died sat in the car in the car park all night just waiting for her just so she could bring my friend home when she was ready to leave and she wouldn't be alone. Fantastic show of support in my view, and yet not hanging around the hospital ward/room for one minute.
    However, the OP is concerned that his wife legged it off to be at her dying exes bedside and hung around there for hours. I can totally understand his point of view. Can anyone here honestly say they would not be emotionally challenged by that situation?


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    #34
    wiggle16
    Moderators, Society & Culture Moderators Posts: 3,022 Mod ✭✭✭✭wiggle16


    Patww79 wrote: »
    I'm with the OP, no way should she have gone. Once a relationship is over its over but seeing as he left her and bit the other way around, I'd have serious questions for her

    Replace the part in bold with "I'd have serious insecurities" and you can see what's really going on in the background.

    Honestly... the father of two of her children is dying, and you'd be the one who wants to be coddled?

    Astounding.


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    #35
    OldMrBrennan83
    Closed Accounts Posts: 26,658 ✭✭✭✭OldMrBrennan83


    wiggle16 wrote: »
    Replace the part in bold with "I'd have serious insecurities" and you can see what's really going on in the background.

    Honestly... the father of two of her children is dying, and you'd be the one who wants to be coddled?

    Astounding.

    Ex husband, the 'children' are in their bloody thirties. She should have nothing to do with him, especially when it's been decades. No coddling about it.

    Astounding indeed how some people can have such a pull on others no matter what they do.


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    #36
    [Deleted User]
    Posts: 0 ✭✭ [Deleted User]


    Just support your wife. She's being decent.


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    #37
    Senature
    Registered Users Posts: 340 ✭✭Senature


    Wiggle16 I don't think anyone is suggesting the woman needed permission to go, or that the OP is looking to be coddled. I think he is surprised and taken aback by his wife's actions,and he finds the situation uncomfortable, which he has every right to.
    The idea that it has absolutely nothing to do with the OP is utterly dismissive and disrespectful to him. He is her husband, he has surely had a hand in raising the sons of this man too, and if the ex was being a d1ck, you can bet your life that had a big effect not only on his wife, but also on their home, marriage and family. I'm speaking from experience on that.
    Not sure why you're so insistent that it all has nothing to do with him, I couldn't disagree more. His wife and stepsons are his family too.


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    #38
    KevinCavan
    Closed Accounts Posts: 612 ✭✭✭KevinCavan


    You are being unreasonable. I think most of us would visit someone on their deathbed, if at one time they played an important role in our lives. Death can make people forget whatever misgivings they have towards somebody.


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    #39
    leggo
    Registered Users Posts: 9,061 ✭✭✭leggo


    Someone made a very good point when they brought up forgiveness. I had an ex who treated me quite badly before, then a year or so after we broke up (badly; with no talking), we chatted again and met up couple of times and put things to bed in a more amicable way that respected that there was a significant relationship that took place as well as the bad times. They accepted that they’d treated me badly and apologised, I forgave them. Now, keep this in mind, I didn’t forgive them for their benefit and to clear their conscience, I forgave them for myself and so I could let go of the hatred that had drained me for so long. And it worked. I don’t want anything to do with them, they’re still blocked on social media and each time they’ve contacted me since they’ve got a short (but not rude) response. I just wanted to move past the hatred and the shadow they’d cast in my life for my own sake.

    If her ex was a dick to you OP, that could be part of what’s at play. Insecurities will make us things of extremes, so if someone isn’t actively hating someone’s guts our insecurities can make us feel like they’re actually in love with them. But, in the real world, there’s a far spectrum between the two and it can be quite complicated and difficult to explain. Going against her here and banging your feet won’t solve anything though. Let her have this, he’s dead/dying anyway. After she mourns him and supports her children, he’ll be effectively gone forever from your lives. You’ll only prolong his impact by keeping this as an active issue.


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    #40
    Senature
    Registered Users Posts: 340 ✭✭Senature


    KevinCavan wrote: »
    I think most of us would visit someone on their deathbed, if at one time they played an important role in our lives.
    Is that actually true though? In my experience the only people who have been around when a family member died were close family, not even extended family or lifelong friends.
    Attending a funeral I totally understand, but I think there is only a very small handful of people I would expect to visit when they were actually dying.


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    #41
    wiggle16
    Moderators, Society & Culture Moderators Posts: 3,022 Mod ✭✭✭✭wiggle16


    Senature wrote: »
    Wiggle16 I don't think anyone is suggesting the woman needed permission to go, or that the OP is looking to be coddled.

    There are a couple of people who are certainly saying that she was wrong to go without consulting her husband or that she should not have gone under any circumstances. Not you, obviously.
    Senature wrote: »
    I think he is surprised and taken aback by his wife's actions,and he finds the situation uncomfortable, which he has every right to.

    I completely agree that he would be uncomfortable, and that's natural. What I'm saying is that he has no right to be angry at her, which was the issue for the OP, not that he was slightly uncomfortable or surprised. He was angry.
    Senature wrote: »
    The idea that it has absolutely nothing to do with the OP is utterly dismissive and disrespectful to him.

    Not sure why you're so insistent that it all has nothing to do with him, I couldn't disagree more. His wife and stepsons are his family too.

    They are his family too, correct, which is all the more reason for him to understand and expect that their mother should not fall off the face of the Earth when their father, who is also their family, is dying. She did right by them by visiting. I see what you are saying, but if she had her own, additional reasons for visiting him, they are hers alone and aren't relevant to her husband. He shouldn't feel angry or threatened by it, because it has nothing to do with him. If she wanted to bury the hatchet (or maybe she told her ex where to go, one last time, for all we know) then that's up to her. It's her ex-husband, not the OP's.

    She is his wife and they are her stepsons, but in a situation like this one you take a step back for their sake and realise that there are bigger things than how you feel about it. It has nothing to do with the OP and the alternative, which is for her to ignore the situation, or ask the OP if it's okay if she goes to visit, is ridiculous and unreasonable.
    The long and short of it is that it couldn't have less to do with the OP and his initial desire to insert his own feelings into the situation was very self-involved and vain. Thankfully he's calmed down.


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    #42
    wiggle16
    Moderators, Society & Culture Moderators Posts: 3,022 Mod ✭✭✭✭wiggle16


    leggo wrote: »
    You’ll only prolong his impact by keeping this as an active issue.

    Spot on.


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    #43
    Big Bag of Chips
    Administrators Posts: 13,858 Admin ✭✭✭✭✭Big Bag of Chips


    There is a lot of supposition and imagining going on in this thread. The OP gave very very little information in his post, and wasn't even present while his wife was away so even he doesn't really know how much "fawning" or otherwise was done in the hospital. He has even replied earlier in the thread that he has calmed down and realised he was over reacting. Yet people here are posting with absolute certainty at how his wife conducted herself and how out of order she was being there, despite her son ringing her and asking her to come.

    The general discussion stops now. Post mature civil advice to the OP, or don't post.


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    #44
    fineso.mom
    Registered Users Posts: 1,092 ✭✭✭fineso.mom


    Senature wrote: »
    Is that actually true though? In my experience the only people who have been around when a family member died were close family, not even extended family or lifelong friends.
    Attending a funeral I totally understand, but I think there is only a very small handful of people I would expect to visit when they were actually dying.

    I think you are possibly reading too much into ' deathbed'. Some people can hang on for days/weeks but still be on their 'deathbed'. Of course people are going to visit their family/friends/neighbours during that time. I think you are presuming the wife was there,round the bed with close family as the man drew his last breath.
    My husband was not very good to me but he is my childrens father. He remarried a really nice woman and she is great to my children. I havent seen my ex in years as the kids are grown up ,but I would visit if he was terminally ill.


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