Wife visited ex husband on his death bed

IrishHomer

I'm with my wife for approximately 22 yrs.

We have two sons ages 20 and 19yrs.

She was married prior to meeting myself but he left her for another woman and they had two sons also.

Anyway long story short her eldest son aged 31 called her to say the father has days to live.

She legged it straight to the hospital spent 9 hours in Dublin met all the ex husband's family and visited himself.

I wasn't pleased am I right to be pissed off?

He was a dick to us for years

LirW

Personally I think you're being a bit unreasonable. They have 2 children together, they're about to lose their father early. I seemingly was her with to say goodbye to a man who once was a big part of her life and she has children with.
Don't be pissed on her, he might have proven himself to be a d1ck but she had her reasons to go.
She soon is the only parent the boys have, be a bit understanding and let her get over all this in her own time. It certainly won't be easy on her either.

Big Bag of Chips

All his family are also family of her sons. His siblings are her sons' aunts and uncles. He might have been a dick to you for years, but his family (her sons' family) are going through a tough time at the moment. I think despite everything he has put you all through she is now showing her class by putting that aside in an effort to not make life anymore difficult for the ones who will be left behind.

He will be gone soon, and won't be relevant in her life anymore. But her sons will feel the loss. They don't need their mother, or stepfather adding to their upset and stress at this time by being difficult or pointing out what an arsehole he was.

leggo

Like I understand your emotions, but I think if I was in that situation I'd be like "look he's on his death bed what harm..." Death is a jolt to the system and we often don't know what the correct way to react to news like that is. He's the father of her eldest child and she doubtlessly knew his family well (and would continue to know them in some way by virtue of their child).

If you had to put words on it and be really honest with yourself, what is it about this situation that bothers you? Do you feel insecure like he's the one she always loved or anything like that? Unless you're quite elderly, she spent much more time with you than him, you are the man in her life and have been for decades now. What would your ideal reaction from her have been, to laugh and say "good riddance" or what? And what did you realistically expect of her because she'd have to be fairly cold-hearted to react that way? Again, I understand being taken aback initially, but I think to let this linger would do no good as it's more your problem than hers.

IrishHomer

I'm calming down now.

It's been an emotional few days.

Thanks for swift replies.

Pelvis

Woman goes to visit father of her children before he dies.

What. A. Bitch.

Are you for real OP?

Ursus Horribilis

I can understand why you'd be annoyed, especially if has caused trouble for you. Hopefully you're starting to calm down now. I don't believe your wife going to visit her ex is any reflection on you or your marriage. More likely, it's some sort of closure for her. It also might have felt like the right thing for her to do, so that she'd not look back with regrets in the future. Death can make people see things very differently, even the most complex of relationships. And as the others have rightly pointed out, he's still the father of her son(s) and her ties to that family are still there. The marriage turned sour but your wife loved this man enough to have married him. You didn't say what her relationship with the rest of his family is like but perhaps it was a chance for her to catch up with them too.

wiggle16

You are being very, very self-absorbed OP.

The man is dying.

He was an important part of her life at one point. There is absolutely no reason why she should not visit him if she wants to. Personally I think it reflects well on your wife's character, and the kind of class act she is, that she is visiting him. He may have left her for another woman, but it was 20 years ago like.

She has two sons with him. Their father is dying and they need their mother.

When he does die, her sons are going to grieve and I'm sure she will too, to some extent: I think you need to get your head on your shoulders about that and be ready to bite your tongue. I very much doubt your wife needs reminding of how badly he treated her. You need to be there for her instead.

I'm sorry, but you have absolutely no right to be angry or "not pleased" with her. The situation could not have less to do with you.

beans

Far more healthy for everyone (you included) that she get to 'say goodbye'.

If you had voiced your displeasure and she had decided not to visit before he dies, you could be planting the seeds of something that you can't control.

From a purely self-serving perspective, I'd be abiding whatever she needs to do and being super-supportive.

Mr. Incognito

Hate is poison.

It does nothing to the person you hate but eats you up instead.

I think you should seek some assitance for your lack of empathy and issues with this scenario.

Neyite

Pelvis wrote: »

Woman goes to visit father of her children before he dies.

What. A. Bitch.

Are you for real OP?

Mod:


The charter asks that you post in a helpful, constructive and civil manner giving advice to the OP. This kind of post falls FAR short of those basics.


In addition, we also have an ethos here of offering advice in a kinder way as we understand that people on the other end could be upset, stressed, or just a bit headmelted about their situation and need even tough advice delivered in a gentle or kinder way.


Next time you post in this vein, you'll get a yellow card. As will anyone else who thinks they can post like this.

Xterminator

Hi Op

glad yu are wrapping your head around this.

If you overreacted to your wife, children or other family members you really need to apologise and make amends. If you started making unreasonable childish & selfish demands from me at a time like that, i would consider it almost unforgivable. at the time when she needed support most you abrogated all responsibility to her and then made things worse by reacting the way you did.

so i hope you kept this struggle internal - but if you didnt - its time to try to mend any bridges.

sbsquarepants

He's dead OP

Let it go - it's not like they'll be getting back together next week now is it!

Cheshire Cat

It only shows that your wife is a lovely person who is able to see the bigger picture and does the decent thing.
You should count your blessings!

B0jangles

His death might also represent the death of a part of her life - a time when she was young, and when two of her children were born. It sounds like he wasn't exactly a great husband to her, but presumably they had some good times together. She's entitled to have those memories and his dying is probably bringing a lot of them back to her.

Neyite

It could have also been for closure on her part, a way to put that part of her past firmly behind her and to make peace with. It could be to tell him something she never got the chance to tell him, or to give him one last chance to apologise before he die. Or it could be just to stand and grimly watch to be sure he is actually dying and can never cause you hassle again.

But from what you've said, it sounds very possible that it was simply a mother going to her sons in their impending bereavement. Meeting his wider family would have probably been unavoidable.

I'm on another forum where there's a large section on dysfunctional families and often the dilemma of whether or not to visit the dying person who caused you so much heartache and hassle is a common one. And a very individual decision to make. And it's hard to know what to do because it's a now-or-never decision that can't be put off. She might have just instinctively went without even thinking all that much about why she was going.

osarusan

IrishHomer wrote: »

I'm calming down now.

It's been an emotional few days.

Thanks for swift replies.

I can understand why you'd be annoyed that she's off to see him, and wonder why should she want to do that - he is an ex, and he was a dick after all.

But, moving away from thinking about her wanting to see him, and looking at the wider situation - she has a child or children with him, for whom he's not an ex-father, and who will presumably be very upset at his illness and death. She needs to be there for them. She may also have relationships with other people in his family, and wanted to be there for them also. And, even though you might not like the idea, she might just feel she should say goodbye to the man.

Hopefully you managed to bite your tongue over it. It's over now, and an argument wouldn't have done anybody any good.

Ghekko

Her son rang her so I suppose she felt she had a duty to go. Otherwise her eldest sons could be annoyed that she shunned their dad and it could cause friction in the future. She's amazing to have gone and as someone else said it showed class for her to do that. She'd probably be perceived as a bitch within that side of the family if she ignored the fact he was dying. This way she can move forward with dignity and hold her head up. Don't make an issue if it as it will only cause a rift for you and her and the older lads. When he does die be prepared for her to go to the funeral. At the end of the day this guy is no longer a threat to you both and can't harm you anymore.

LegacyUser

Regardless of how he treated her (or you) they have a history, they have two kids together, he was about to die so she went to support her kids and also to get closure as there's no undoing death OP. My parents didn't have a great relationship but when my dad died suddenly my mum was there. His family put aside all issues they had with her and we grieved as a family. She's had zero contact with his family since but for that week or so it wasn't about her or any of them it was about the loss and impact that would have. I don't know how I would have reacted if anyone had acted up during that period - if my mum had refused to come or her family had made a stink about it - my head was all over the place already without that added stress.

iamwhoiam

She is the mother of two boys who are about to loose their dad and fair play to her for being there

I was at a funeral lately . The couple are long divorced but share three adult children . Their mother died in a tragic way and their dad was a huge support
He put his own feelings aside for them . He drove them in the middle of the night when they heard the news and held them all tight at the funeral .

Put your feelings aside OP as they support each other

paw patrol

I'm with the OP on this , he may be cankerous but he is within his rights.

If the ex husband was a dick and presumably the OP has listened to his wife bang on for years about him being a dick - i'd be asking why she bothered her b0llocks going to see him.

he was her ex husband over 22 years ago and lets' assume based on the OP not a good word said since then about him. But there she goes dashing off the hospital....
Posters may think it's the noble thing for her to go but the OP was/is within his rights to be miffed or at a minimum have questions.

Some judmental posts here forgetting it's a difficult them for all including the OP.

lawred2

IrishHomer wrote: »

I'm with my wife for approximately 22 yrs.

We have two sons ages 20 and 19yrs.

She was married prior to meeting myself but he left her for another woman and they had two sons also.

Anyway long story short her eldest son aged 31 called her to say the father has days to live.

She legged it straight to the hospital spent 9 hours in Dublin met all the ex husband's family and visited himself.

I wasn't pleased am I right to be pissed off?

He was a dick to us for years

What difference does it make? The man is dead/dying. What possible good does it do you to be 'pissed off'?

He is her son's father and maybe she wanted/needed to be there for him.

Are you going to be in a strop about the funeral too? Send her off on her own?

wiggle16

paw patrol wrote: »

I'm with the OP on this , he may be cankerous but he is within his rights.

If the ex husband was a dick and presumably the OP has listened to his wife bang on for years about him being a dick - i'd be asking why she bothered her b0llocks going to see him.

he was her ex husband over 22 years ago and lets' assume based on the OP not a good word said since then about him. But there she goes dashing off the hospital.....

See the point kind of is that she does not have to explain why she bothered her b0llocks to go and see her dying ex-husband. It has nothing to do with the OP.

She may have gone to say goodbye and to get closure.... She may have wanted to tell him that she forgave him for the way he treated her.... She may not have wanted him to die with bad blood between them and wanted to make peace with him. None of the above is any of the OP's business. I would very much doubt that she went to declare her undying love for him at the last minute.

And the reason she went "dashing" off to the hospital is likely because when someone is dying they don't exactly have all the time in the world for you to mull it over before visiting.

In any event, she had children with the man and she did right by them by going to see their father before he died. To hold that against her is completely self-involved and small.

Senature

OP I understand how you feel. I do think your wife needs to be there to support her sons while their father is dying and in the aftermath of course but I'm shocked at how most posters are talking about closure for her personally etc.
I was in a relationship for almost 2 decades, that ended 5 years ago. We didn't have children, and are both now in other relationships. We see each other at social events about once a year and just say hello, things didn't end on good terms. I would never, ever consider it appropriate for either of us to visit the other on our death bed. I'm sure our current partners would be horrified also, particularly the partner of the person who was dying.
On the flip side, my current partner has children with his ex wife. Should anything happen to him, I have no doubt at all that on top of dealing with the grief etc over my partner and the heartbreak of his children and family, I will also have to deal with her feeling entitled to be in the middle of it all, as the mother of his children, but also because they were once married etc. I'm amazed at how people seem to understand this and not find it totally inappropriate behaviour.
The vast majority of the time, only very close family are at someone's deathbed. Even close lifelong friends often aren't there. Why would an ex-spouse be?
Having said all that OP, it's a difficult time for everyone, so I don't think you should make a fuss over it right now. Talk to a friend to get it off your chest if you need to and help your wife support her sons, they'll need it.

paw patrol

wiggle16 wrote: »

See the point kind of is that she does not have to explain why she bothered her b0llocks to go and see her dying ex-husband. It has nothing to do with the OP.

Nothing to do with the OP?
only that he is her husband and been with him for 22 years.

This guy has been nothing positive in their lives (as per the OP)
maybe your view of marriage is different but mine is that you should include your spouse in decisions.
The notion that it's nothing to do with her husband (the OP) is frankly nonsense.

The Op isn't some fresh 3 month relationship , he is married to her.

wiggle16 wrote: »

She may have gone to say goodbye and to get closure.... She may have wanted to tell him that she forgave him for the way he treated her.... She may not have wanted him to die with bad blood between them and wanted to make peace with him. None of the above is any of the OP's business. I would very much doubt that she went to declare her undying love for him at the last minute.

nobody implied the "undying love" bit to be fair.

all this may be true but given the past 22 years the OP is quite within his rights to question all this.
Thats my point.

bigpink

How was he a dick to you/ye?

OldMrBrennan83

I'm with the OP, no way should she have gone. Once a relationship is over its over but seeing as he left her and bit the other way around, I'd have serious questions for her.

iamwhoiam

Patww79 wrote: »

I'm with the OP, no way should she have gone. Once a relationship is over its over but seeing as he left her and bit the other way around, I'd have serious questions for her.

Not even to support her sons ?

OldMrBrennan83

iamwhoiam wrote: »

Not even to support her sons ?

She can support her son's without fawning at the bedside of the man that let her go decades ago. Show her current husband a bit of respect too. This only shows that any snap of the ex's fingers over the period of their marriage and she'd have been gone like a shot. That knowledge would not sit well with me.

iamwhoiam

Patww79 wrote: »

She can support her son's without fawning at the bedside of the man that let her go decades ago.

Sorry ? At what stage did we see her fawning ? Using words like that does not strengthen your argument

OldMrBrennan83

iamwhoiam wrote: »

Sorry ? At what stage did we see her fawning ? Using words like that does not strengthen your argument

It's not a live TV debate, I'm just saying what I think so you can get that 'strengthen the argument' ****e right out of your head.

She was 9 hours there, hanging around his family and at his bedside. That's enough for me.