Boyfriend refusing to have sex with me

Big Bag of Chips

I don't think you should be under so much pressure to find a contraceptive that suits him! An as mentioned above, I don't think contraception is the real issue here anyway. Your boyfriend has a deep rooted aversion to sex. It might be because of a genuine fear of an unplanned pregnancy, it might be performance anxiety, he might be gay. Only he can figure out the actual issue. But sex isn't the issue. Lack of intimacy of any sort is. If it has gotten to the point, a couple of months in where you aren't even really kissing then that's bigger than fear of pregnancy.

Maybe he's afraid of any sort of intimacy in case it "gives you ideas" and you expect it to go further. But all that aside you are in a relationship that is not making you happy. If you and he are not being intimate in any way, shape or form a couple of months into a relationship, well then you are friends. Not boyfriend and girlfriend. I think you have every right to walk away from the relationship side of things and tell him that you are happy to remain friends. He doesn't want sex with you (or we assume anyone at the moment) and that is the basics for any new relationship. I know you like him, but you are friends. You can still be friends and be free to meet someone you like just as much, but who you can be intimate with.

It's not your job to "fix" him.

professore

If he's so scared of pregnancy, what about mutual masturbation / blow jobs etc? He should be dying for it in his 20s. Something isn't right here OP. Maybe he's gay or asexual, or low T.

LegacyUser

Hi @Professore and BigBagOfChips,

I had another big chat with him yesterday and i asked him if he was gay but he said he wasn’t and I believe him. I made it clear once again that i will need some sort of intimacy or things will not work, and he said that he is trying his best but doesn’t want me being in a relationship that is stressing me out or making me so upset. I asked if trying out the mini pill would help things and he said maybe but probably not. I mentioned my fears that it wouldn’t agree with me but i said id talk to the doctor about it. I wont go on it though if I definitely think it’ll bring my mood down even lower. I know I can’t put myself through that just to make things easier for my boyfriend.

I know some of you will think im mad but im willing to hold on for another few months, putting no pressure on him for sex, to see if any progress is made. Thanks again to everyone for all your input and advice x

Dial Hard

professore wrote: »

If he's so scared of pregnancy, what about mutual masturbation / blow jobs etc? He should be dying for it in his 20s. Something isn't right here OP. Maybe he's gay or asexual, or low T.

She's already said he doesn't even have any interest in that.

Big Bag of Chips

StressyJessy wrote: »

I asked if trying out the mini pill would help things and he said maybe but probably not.

You need to listen to what he is telling you. Contraception isn't the issue. Do not take any medication that you feel will not agree with you to placate someone else. I know you say you are going to stick it out for a few months, and I really hope it works out for you. But bear in mind it will be a lot harder to leave him in a few months, when you are deeper in feelings wise than you are now. Maybe it won't come to that and he will overcome his issues, but it's not looking likely.

ginandtonicsky

Agree totally with BBOC. OP, this is not your problem to fix. Contraception is not the problem, his unresolved issues around sex are. Absolutely do NOT jeopardise your own health for the tiny, tiny chance that taking the pill will fix your boyfriend's issues because it absolutely will not and you'll potentially be landed back with your own long-term problems as well.

It is not normal or healthy to be this sex avoidant, regardless of the reason. At this point I don't think it even matters what it's rooted in, the overriding issue here is your boyfriend's unwillingness to address it.

I wish you well but I think you know that things aren't going to change, certainly not when there's no will to change from him, and every added day of feeling rejected and unattractive is costing your self-esteem in the long run.

LegacyUser

Hi @ginandtonicsky and BBOC

Thanks for your comment and advice, i spoke with the doctor and she agreed that its not a good idea to take any hormonal contraception and that it wouldn’t make a difference to my boyfriend anyway.

I know im only making things harder in the long run for myself but he said is trying his best so im going to try my best to hold on for another couple of months. It will always be in the back of my mind that things might never change but I’ll try to be patient for another while. Thanks for your well wishes x

LolaJJ

Sorry, late to the party but just wanted to contribute!

OP, if you speak to a lot of people who have had an unplanned pregnancy, the majority will point to a thing that happened that they believe caused the conception - burst condom, on antibiotics with pill, didn't pull out on time, forgot to take pill etc.

There's not that many people who feel they have been 100% careful and it was a complete miracle, sure they exist and I've heard of them but I've never met them,

Why not rely on condoms, use it from the start of intercourse, check the condom at the end to ensure it's been effective, and if there's any grey area take a morning after pill.

That's pretty fool-proof

PressRun

The issue isn't around contraception and the possibility of you getting pregnant. It's around intimacy with a woman, imo, he is gay.

Emme

PressRun wrote: »

The issue isn't around contraception and the possibility of you getting pregnant. It's around intimacy with a woman, imo, he is gay.

There is nothing wrong with being gay or indeed asexual (if he is either) but he is being very unfair to the OP regardless. She is being very patient with him by saying she will wait a few more months.

She should not wait too long because his rejection of her will eat away at her self-confidence and she may (wrongly) feel unattractive and unworthy of sexual attention. For her own sanity she has to give herself (and him) a definite date that she will end things if he does not improve significantly (by that I mean having a full sexual relationship with her without reticence on his part).

I would advise her to give it until the end of the month or Hallowe'en at the latest and then split up with him. He has to sort out his own issues whatever they are. She cannot fix him and he is unlikely to change.

I don't think he cares enough to address his issues either. If he's that scared of losing her he would be pulling out all the stops to resolve this instead of just telling her to hang in there.

That said, medication for anxiety and depression is often a cause of low libido and if he's prone to these issues that won't disappear and this issue will crop up again and again. You're young, you're feeling miserable in relationship where your needs aren't being met and you have no idea if they ever will. Your sex life has failed at a stage in the relationship where couples are in the honeymoon period of attraction, you haven't been together years or had a chance to lose the novelty.

You've one life, it's up to you how you spend it and how low or high you set the bar regarding how you deserve to be treated.

Emme

Candie wrote: »

You've one life, it's up to you how you spend it and how low or high you set the bar regarding how you deserve to be treated.

Exactly. Your 20s come around once and both genders are usually at their sexual peak at that age. Never mind media articles stating "50 is the 30", "40 is the new 20" blablabla. Your 20s are where it's at when it comes to energy and opportunities for enjoyment. One of the main reasons for this is relative lack of responsibility. And of course youth, health and energy. Don't waste this time with somebody who will not consider your needs despite you bending over backwards to accommodate him.

.red.

My advice would be to go online and research some toys, vibrators, dildos, whatever you think you'd like. Buy one and after its delivered speak to him about it(if you'd be comfortable using one)
Tell him how upset you are at the lack of physical contact and intimacy and that you'd like him to use it on you. He could be fully clothed or wearing trousers, whatever he's comfortable with. This way there's is absolutely 0% of pregnancy.
After your finished you can then get dressed and pleasure him if he wants you to.

If he's unwilling to try this then I honestly don't think he's ever going to change. If he is willing to go for it, and on a regular basis then maybe it is pregnancy nerves and he will learn to enjoy it and explore a bit more with time.

Good luck, whatever happens.

December2012

OP I am just asking this as a prompt. Was he ever the victim of sexual assault, abuse, or rape? (and of course I hope that he hasn't!). This MAY be a reason why he is so upset and reluctant with the process.

professore

It's obvious to me that he either doesn't want any sort of sex with you but does with other men/women or doesn't want sex full stop with anyone.

The real problem is that he won't tell you the real reason. This is unlikely to change, and if it does it will get worse.