Boyfriend refusing to have sex with me

LegacyUser

Hi all,

Im not sure what i can do about this, like the title says, my boyfriend is refusing to have sex. We are both in our 20s and have been going out for a couple of months.

Since we have been together we have had sex only 2 or 3 times but now he is outright refusing and its been 2 months since we have been that intimate. My boyfriend suffers from depression and anxiety (as do i). His main reason for holding off is that he is extremely worried that i am going to end up getting pregnant. He said if that were to happen that he wouldn’t be able to cope, i mean really wouldn’t be able to deal with it at all- which in turn really made me worry.

The times we had sex i was on the contraceptive pill but had to stop because it was making me have very bad mood swings. We discussed other options and agreed that we would stick to condoms from now on but there hasnt come a time yet to follow through with that agreement.
He also said that it didn’t matter what form of contraception we used, he would still be paranoid and out of his head with stress and anxiety after we would have sex.

I am so unhappy about it all, I feel so unattractive, lonely, frustrated and a whole other range of emotions. We are young and should be having a great time enjoying each others company but instead we are miserable. On top of this i feel very selfish for feeling this way because I know he is struggling and i am being as patient and understanding as i can be but my needs aren’t being met either. We used to fool around in other ways without intercourse but now that has stopped too, at most all we do is kiss for a few minutes.

He knows how i feel and said he is trying but everytime we are in bed there is always an excuse. He is going to a psychologist for his anxiety and depression in general but I don’t think he talks to them about this fear of intimacy.

I don’t know what i can do to help him, i always reassure him but the rejection is having an effect on my self esteem. What am I supposed to do? Should I just be patient and hope that it will change? How long will i have to wait or will it always be like this? Am i in the wrong? should I stay in a relationship where i am not fulfilled? My head is so wrecked

I feel awful because he is so lovely in every other way and i know i am lucky to have someone who has so much concern about contraception. I care for him deeply and I don’t want to break up but I just don’t know what can be done.

Addle

It doesn't solve his problem, but have a discussion with your GP about alternative contraception options anyways.

December2012

There are so many posts on boards about people in sexless marriages and it turns out that their partners sex drive never matched theirs.

It's good to be supportive but set your own limits. You cannot and of course should not make or convince him to do something he's not comfortable with. So you're going to have to think about ending the relationship.

As you say there is no intimacy and that is difficult.

If you want to stay learn how to take care of yourself

LegacyUser

StressyJessy wrote: »

I am so unhappy about it all, I feel so unattractive, lonely, frustrated and a whole other range of emotions. We are young and should be having a great time enjoying each others company but instead we are miserable. On top of this i feel very selfish



My head is so wrecked

I feel awful

In many ways, it doesn't matter what it is about the relationship that has brought you to feel this way, the fact is that the relationship has and any relationship that makes you feel this way is not worth having.
I know you say he's a lovely guy, but without such a fundamental aspect of a relationship as a healthy sex life, you won't see him as a lovely guy for long. If you stay, you'll keep feeling what you are now, but with added resentment, feeling trapped, diminishing self-esteem etc. It will not get better, it will get worse.
That's not to mention the possibility that he might get in the mood as a one off, get you pregnant, then be as useless as he predicted and you end up raising two children if you stay with him.
You've told him what the problem is, he's done nothing to address it in spite of having professional support he could easily use to help out; for your own happiness, do not stay in this relationship.

Johnnyhpipe

I wish people had a 30 sec trailer when you meet them so I can see what I’m getting into..

leggo

OP this is mental behaviour from him.

Young couples have sex. It's a basic part of being in a relationship, in fact intimacy is the difference between a relationship and a friendship. Barren periods are somewhat more understandable as couples age, kids come into play, a woman is going through menopause etc...but still, a sex life is a part of a relationship even then. His reasoning, basically "babies come from sex" is nothing new or unique and doesn't stop other couples your age. So the problem is him.

We all have anxieties in a relationship, but his is at a stage where he needs professional help. And if he refuses to deal with it, then you need to leave. Don't feel anything like, "Oh but I'm so lucky to have found someone/I don't want to go back to clubs or online dating", as it stands you aren't in a relationship anyway and are just making yourself miserable. I wouldn't be one of these posters who sees any problem and suggests "walk away", but there's nothing to be done here if he doesn't cop on. His mental health woes are his responsibility to deal with and not yours to carry around and erode your self-esteem. Staying by someone's side while their problems make you feel miserable is not just something you have to accept in a relationship. Their wellbeing is their responsibility, it's okay to be selfish on your end and look after yours, especially when this is such a basic issue.

You need to deal with this now or leave. And, by that, I mean one mature conversation where you both sit down and end it with either a solution that'll fix things going forward or you break-up. And if it goes the latter way, trust me in time when you're away from this situation, you won't regret it. You'll look back and see how mental his behaviour was and be thankful.

Kidchameleon

Its only a two month relationship, just end it and let him sort his head out. Its not worth the hassle OP you are young. +1 on finding alternative contrception asap.

FitzElla

Whatever about the lack of sex, the fact that there is no intimacy at all except maybe a quick kiss is a big warning sign for me, especially when you are only going out a few months. A healthy relationship should have a level of intimacy that both parties are happy with and clearly this is not the case with you. It is not selfish to expect it. No matter how lovely he is, is he really ready to be in a relationship at this stage if he can't be intimate with his new girlfriend?

I would sit down and tell him what you have told us here, about how it is making you feel, and that you cannot be in a relationship with no intimacy. You have to look after your own mental health and I don't think this situation is helping either of you. If he is unwilling or indeed unable to work towards a level of intimacy you are both happy with I think you would be better off apart.

LegacyUser

Hi everyone, OP here

Thanks for all taking the time to reply, you are all right in what you said, i guess i was just looking for confirmation on what I already knew. Its not easy to get my boyfriend to open up, he would rather ignore problems but i will just have to try as best i can to make it clear how unhappy i am and how i can’t go on like this, I suspect deep down he already knows what’s coming

I am just so sad about how its turned out, I hope he can overcome this difficultly in the future

Thanks again x

Mr. Incognito

Hello there

You are in your 20s. You are not his carer. If he cannot look after himself you certainly should not volunteer for a life of misery.

Just end it and find someone compatable.

afkasurfjunkie

TheBoyConor wrote: »

That is good that he is getting help for his anxiety and depression issues. Hopefully this will solve the issue for ye.

Do ye go out often? Perhaps an idea might be to make a move on him when he is after a few drinks? When people are drunk they have less inhibitions so it might make it easier for ye. It might do as a short term fix until he gets his anxiety under control.

Ah Conor! Can you imagine what you are suggesting if the sexes were reversed.

In fact I think a lot of the replies on this thread would be different if the sexes were reversed. Imagine if a woman was aftaid to have sex for fear of getting pregnant but her other half refused to wear condoms. They would be torn to shreds here.
I think it’s a legitimate worry which is being exacerbated by anxiety. However if both partners take precautions and he still refuses, then there certainly is a problem there and maybe the pregnancy thing is just an excuse.

TheBoyConor

Yeah but the thing is the sexes are not reversed.

At the end of the day a man is not at a risk of sexual harm from a woman to anywhere near the same extent as a woman is at risk of sexual harm from a man. It's just a different situation. It is extremely unlikely that a drunk man will suffer serious sexual assault or harm from a woman. The situation is reversed with a drunk woman - she is a at a very high risk of assault, rape pregnancy etc.

Anyway, that is OT. The few drinks might help him relax enough to be able to get on with it. Worth a try.

osarusan

afkasurfjunkie wrote: »

Ah Conor! Can you imagine what you are suggesting if the sexes were reversed.

So f**kin tired of this in various different parts of boards.

coffee_cake

guys, that's enough now please. no more what if gender roles - this is a real person in a real situation who needs advice.
if you have a problem with a post, please report it

thanks

LegacyUser

Hi again,

Ive had a chat with my boyfriend again and he told me that he is talking about his pregnancy fears with them but they’re all still trying to figure out a solution, they aren’t sure what to do.

He asked hypothetically what would i do if he found himself in a situation where he had a physical disability and couldn’t preform. He also said he wishes we got together a year ago because he was grand back then and “could do carefree things with me”. I don’t understand this because the potential risks of pregnancy would still have been there.

I asked him what he would do in my position and he said that he would just try to be as patient as he could be and wait for the obstacle to be dealt with. I asked him how long does a person wait for? But he couldn’t answer.

For the earlier poster who talked about both people using protection and taking precautions, we agreed to use condoms and have sex around my cycle at the points where i am not ovulating. I cant use/take any hormonal contraception because it doesn’t agree with me. Other than get the copper implant, the doctor said there is nothing more i can do and i have reasons for not wanting to get it.

Im torn, I know I should just end it but he says he is trying his best to deal with his problems, im feeling like i dont want to give up just yet and maybe I should just wait for another few months to see if it gets any better at all

FitzElla

I think you are both getting too hung up on the question of sex, pregnancy and contraception. Obviously these are hugely important things in a healthy relationship but from your first post you said you and your boyfriend used to fool around in other ways but that has all stopped except for a quick kiss. This is a far bigger issue - even if he is terrified of getting you pregnant there are plenty of other ways of showing intimacy, both in a physical and emotional sense. At a very basic level your needs are not being met. Given this is such a new relationship that is a red flag for me. The first few months in a relationship are called the honeymoon period for a reason - you shouldn't be left feeling unattractive, lonely and frustrated. How do you see your relationship in the future if that is where you are now?

Maybe he just needs the space to work through his mental health issues. Only you can decide whether this is best achieved together or apart.

Emme

StressyJessy wrote: »

Im torn, I know I should just end it but he says he is trying his best to deal with his problems, im feeling like i dont want to give up just yet and maybe I should just wait for another few months to see if it gets any better at all

You only go through your 20s once. A few months might seem like very little time but I don't think he will improve. Maybe wait one month and if there is no improvement like having sex 2 or 3 times a week at the end of the month then leave. Once a relationship starts like yours it is unlikely to change.

Your relationship is not the norm (I am deliberately avoiding the word normal) for couples in their 20s. Ye should be at it like rabbits!

Sardonicat

OP, I can understand the pregnancy fears being exasperated by anxiety so if ye just take the pressure off by leaving intercourse completely off the menu for the foreseeable you can enjoy sex in other ways. If he's okay with that I'd say stick around for a while longer while he works through this. If there is still no intimacy at all I think his problems go far deeper than a fear of pregnancy and he's not being entirely honest with you.

TheBoyConor

Why can't ye do oral sex and MM?

would he agree to that?

LegacyUser

Hi @TheBoyConor, after the sex stopped we had oral once or twice after that but since then until recently it was MM but even then he always wanted to focus on me and wouldn’t let me hardly touch him until I kept asking. He would give excuses that he was okay and it was too messy. Im realising how bad that sounds after typing that out. Maybe he isn’t being completely honest with me.

I dunno, I’ll give it another month or so and see, i wont put any pressure on him for sex but I’ll have to see how intimate he gets in every other way. I know there is no future in this relationship if this keeps up. Its so hard, i have deep feelings for him, i maybe should have mentioned that we were friends for 2 years before we started going out, we’ve helped and supported each other through the bouts of anxiety and depression. It will be so tough to just stop. He is my best friend, if this was some guy i had just met recently it would be different. Maybe there is a bit of co-dependency on my part.

Thanks again everyone for your input, its very much appreciated x

di11on

Chin up OP. This episode might motivate your BF to get the help he really needs. As others have said you need to see clearly that it is not your job to sacrifice your own happiness to fix this guy. That is his own responsibility. You can be kind and supportive but you are not obliged to take his problems on as your own.

If we're to be of any use to anyone in this world, we have to first take care of ourselves.

Emme

StressyJessy wrote: »

I know there is no future in this relationship if this keeps up. Its so hard, i have deep feelings for him, i maybe should have mentioned that we were friends for 2 years before we started going out, we’ve helped and supported each other through the bouts of anxiety and depression. It will be so tough to just stop. He is my best friend, if this was some guy i had just met recently it would be different. Maybe there is a bit of co-dependency on my part.

Thanks again everyone for your input, its very much appreciated x

OP did he go out with any other girls during this time? Even on dates? If not is there a possibility he is gay and doesn't want to admit it to himself? This could be one cause of his anxiety and depression. It is much easier for people to come out now but coming out is still a difficult thing to do. I could be completely wrong about this.

LegacyUser

Hi Emme,

He has been out with girls before i came along, I don’t know how serious or how long these relationships lasted, he did mention that he fooled around sexually but he felt pressured sometimes back then, did things he wasn’t ready for and that he didn’t care that much for these girls, he also said that he and a girl had a pregnancy scare once and this is what has lead him to be so afraid

The thought that he could be gay has crossed my mind but thats only because im desperatey searching in my own head for reasons. I don’t know if this is the correct thing to say, maybe it’s very ignorant, but ive never gotten any vibes that he was gay. Most intimacy we’ve had to date -even kissing- has been initiated by him. He has been affectionate in other ways up until very recently. I know he cares for me but who knows, maybe you could be right. I am going to see him in the next few days so I’ll have to ask him.

Thanks for your reply, and thanks to di11on too, i dont know how to “thank” posts on here but I would if I did x

leggo

Emme wrote: »

OP did he go out with any other girls during this time? Even on dates? If not is there a possibility he is gay and doesn't want to admit it to himself? This could be one cause of his anxiety and depression. It is much easier for people to come out now but coming out is still a difficult thing to do. I could be completely wrong about this.

I’ve been wondering similar as the excuses he makes pile up, or even if there was something wrong downstairs (porn usage/addiction is running rife with a lot of young men’s ability to perform these days) and he doesn’t want to address/acknowledge it.

TheBoyConor

That's good that he is committing himself to seek help and address whatever issue he has. Add the other poster says, it could also be pornography addiction. That is incredibly common nowadays. Some men become so accustomed to the porn+masturbation routine that not only can they no longer perform traditional sex but their desire for it can begin to evaporate too as porn and masturbation become their new "normal".
Whatever it is, I hope the therapy works.

However, Therapy like that takes time to work months or more at least. That could try when the patience of even the most accommodating person.What are you supposed to do in the meantime to have your needs meet considering especially that is a new relationship. One option is simply to break up and let him sort his issues out and you move on but I doubt that is what you favour.



An alternative would be for you to discuss with him the possibility of you having your needs meet elsewhere in the meantime while he undergoes therapy but I'm not sure how he'd take this. Do you think you might discuss this possibility with him, or how would be take it?

LegacyUser

@TheBoyConor

I don’t think it is a case of pornography addiction. He said to me before that believe it or not, he doesn’t really watch or use porn that much. I don’t know how often he masturbates. I think it depends on how he’s feeling, if he’s having a bad time with his depression/anxiety. Whenever we have been in bed, he’s never had a problem getting turned on, it’s just the following through and him holding himself back

As for me getting my needs met in alternative ways elsewhere, what do you mean? Like go to an escort or have casual sex with someone else? Maybe that would work for some couples but I don’t think that would be right, im a one man kind of girl if you get me.

Thanks again for your reply!

ginandtonicsky

Does your boyfriend actually have any sex drive to speak of? You said you've only had sex a handful of times and you've been together months. That doesn't sound like someone with a high or even an average sex drive tbh. Perhaps the anxiety and depression have killed it, or perhaps it was never really there in the first place?

Does he get aroused? Does he initiate sexual activity, even though you're not having intercourse? Did he do so before this recent issue?

I'm not sure how healthy it's going to be for you to stick around when he isn't expressing any of the totally normal, expected intimate and sexual gestures towards you. I don't think it would take too long for anyone to develop a complex, to feel so undesired and rejected by a romantic partner. I think it's in your best interests to put a 'deadline' on this in your head, a point after which you walk away if nothing changes. Without any of this stuff you're ultimately just friends/flatmates anyway.

LegacyUser

Hi @gin&tonicsky

I think he does have a sex drive to some degree. It’s always been him to initiate things, he does get aroused. He just doesn’t want to follow through much on it. I think that the depression and anxiety are doing a lot to kill it.

I’ve decided in my head to wait until the end of the year to see if anything changes at all. At this moment im not hopefull and its killing me thinking that im going to have to end it.

.......

Do you have an actual medical issue that prevents you from taking hormonal medication?

Can this not be resolved by taking a mini pill rather than a combined pill?

If its not a medical issue then can you not try different pills to see if you find one that suits you?

Or get the Mirena coil which is also progesterone only?

Or get an ovulation tracker?

LegacyUser

....... wrote: »

Do you have an actual medical issue that prevents you from taking hormonal medication?

Can this not be resolved by taking a mini pill rather than a combined pill?

If its not a medical issue then can you not try different pills to see if you find one that suits you?

Or get the Mirena coil which is also progesterone only?

Or get an ovulation tracker?

Hi, well im afraid to take anymore hormonal contraceptives. The pill gave me very bad depression and anxiety during my pms days. I was crying constantly over the slightest thing.I don’t want to go back to that feeling, i was very low on it. I am on medication for anxiety as it is. I have been diagnosed with depression and anxiety since i was a teenager. One doctor told me that I would never be able to take hormonal stuff because of it and the copper iud is my only option alongside condoms. The doctor who prescribed me the pill in the first place says I could try the mini pill and the mirena coil. Because of the bad reaction to the pill its made me afraid to try anything more. I know thats silly. Ive read good and bad things about the copper iud. My periods are very painful, to the point they leave me ill and bed bound on the first day, ive heard the iud makes this worse. Maybe this sounds like im making excuses. I do keep track of my ovulation.

My boyfriend said it didn’t matter what i was using, he would still be tied up in knots afterwards.

Emme

....... wrote: »

Do you have an actual medical issue that prevents you from taking hormonal medication?

Can this not be resolved by taking a mini pill rather than a combined pill?

If its not a medical issue then can you not try different pills to see if you find one that suits you?

Or get the Mirena coil which is also progesterone only?

Or get an ovulation tracker?

I don't think it would make any difference what the OP took, her boyfriend would still have the same problems which HE has to deal with. Hormonal contraception is not 100% reliable anyway even if it is more reliable than some other forms of contraception.