Confusion over relationship

LegacyUser

Thank you everyone. I really do appreciate the advice and all that you've said.

ManOfMystery

Sadguy123 wrote: »

Believe me I am listening to what you guys are saying. But there's a part of me that just doesn't want to believe it. I know for you guys you're looking at it in black and white from what I'm saying and I can see your frustration. This is one of the hardest things for me to do. I love this girl and I thought she loved me too. I'm praying that you're all wrong and this will all come good again but I just know it's only a matter of time until something like this happens again. I'm scared. I'm scared of being alone once again. I have very little confidence in myself and there's been some very dark days in my past in which I'm scared I'll walk into again. All I want is to be happy and I can't seem to find the strength inside to do the right thing here. I thought she might have been the one

Everything she does - the rudeness, the inability to commit, the general behaviour, texting other guys, etc - is all symptomatic of someone who ....................... just isn't that into you, to be frank.

She obviously enjoys attention from men. She likes you keeping you at arm's length, knowing that you're almost infatuated with her, so she will get the birthdays and the presents and the attention and the shoulder to cry on - but is under no real obligation to return the favour. All the good stuff, with no cost to her. 

Put simply, she's treating you as a doormat.

I have been in similar situations when I was younger, so believe me when I say that all the crying in the world will not illicit an emotional response from her and force her into caring deeply for you. It doesn't work like that. If anything, it will only come across as pathetic to someone as uncompassionate as her.

Your only real chance at happiness here is to cut her loose and find it elsewhere with someone who cares about you. Assert yourself and don't be a doormat for her for even one minute longer. She is using, abusing and manipulating you and you should be angry about that. You deserve some respect, and if you can't get it from her, you can get it from yourself by cutting this toxicity out of your life.

As a rule of thumb in life, always maintain your self-worth and don't let people like her - be it in a social or professional capacity - walk over you.

Sardonicat

ManOfMystery wrote: »

As a rule of thumb in life, always maintain your self-worth and don't let people like her - be it in a social or professional capacity - walk over you.

This is a golden piece of advice and worth framing.

qwerty13

She’s a horrible person OP. Playing on your insecurities, and toying with you. She’s just out and out nasty. Please don’t tie yourself to her. You’ll only end up more messed up by her than you currently are.

There is no dilemma. She’s an abuser. Get out and stay away from her. And never look back.

blairbear

This woman is absolutely gaslighting you. I find your posts really uncomfortable to read as she is so nasty and unpleasant. She must be very, very pretty or have some other mysterious allure because she sounds wretched, inside and out.

You desperately need to walk away. Imagine how much more at peace you would be without her. Of course it would hurt initially, but feeling sad is actually preferable to the nauseating anxiety that I guarantee you are feeling all the time at the moment.

Please don't let anyone treat you like this. Cutting someone out of your life who is bad for you is actually so empowering. There is no happy ending in store here. Think of the best couple you know; how did the story of their relationship go? Did it involve lengthy periods of one of them being nasty to the other? Of refusing to acknowledge the other as their boyfriend/girlfriend? Any man who has ever been seriously into me has wanted me to be their girlfriend within weeks, and vice versa. Are you even exclusive?

Nobody is going to advise you to stick this out. This is an emotionally abusive relationship.

osarusan

Sadguy123 wrote: »

My birthday was in April. She gave me a letter as a present that stated as part of my gift she would take me down to Kerry for some night time kayaking and a weekend away. It's September now and we still haven't gone. She never once suggested dates for us to go or really made any effort since my birthday to properly plan this trip. This hurt me a lot. I never told her how much this continues to hurt me considering its her birthday next month and I plan on doing something really special for her for it.

Give her back the letter on your way out the door for the last time.

Sinus pain

Give her a letter for her birthdaydetailing all the great things you plan doing on the weekend she brings you away for your birthday.

beertons

Dude. Delete her number/profile/memory. She's messing with your head, sounds like a narcissist. A letter for your birthday, how old is she.

Take a holiday to clear the head, make new plans like job/education progression, take up a new hobby.

di11on

I would say exit stage left. Seems clear to me that you are plan B while she's working on plan A. Look after yourself. Focus on being happy in yourself - focus on your hobbies, on what makes you tick. Women love a confident person who is happy in themselves. She might very well chase you as soon as you're no longer a fall back, but don't count on it... look after and respect yourself - sounds a little like you are in danger of being in doormat/carpet territory at the moment.

bucketybuck

Stringing along other men?

Believe me OP, she has done a lot more than that with other men, don't kid yourself otherwise.

LegacyUser

OP, you dont want to believe that dozens have people told you now - this woman is toxic.

if it was a woman writing about a man, youd be telling her she is in an abusive relationship and to seek help and get out of it immediately.

i have a friend like you that was in similiar set up to you - his GF treated him like absolute dirt, years and years she crushed every part of him, made him feel like a piece of sh*te and destroyed him. he stayed with her, out of fear of being alone, perhaps like you.

eventually after shed taken all his money, used him for everything and he finally saw through her, he left her. 3 years on, he is engaged to a lovely girl and is happier than ever before. there is somebody out there for everybody, it sounds like this is not the right one for you.

i wish you the best of luck and happiness, it sounds like you deserve it.

professore

How many girls are you texting and flirting with? How would she like that? Would you see nothing wrong with that if you were doing it? If she cried down the phone to you would you tell her you aren't responsible for her feelings?

Ironically she would probably respect you more. You are her backup plan when she's had her fun with guys she is sexually attracted to. She has no respect for you. This is as plain as day to everyone on here.

Being in a relationship like this is way lonelier than being "on your own"... Nonsense anyway as you are far freer as an unattached man to make friends, go out etc when you want. In a "relationship" with someone like this she will cut you off from your friends and kill your self esteem, if.she hasn't already done so.

LegacyUser

The first is that you mention she was in abusive relationships before you.
My ex had this spiel when I met him. I believed him. I believed him when he told me his ex rang up €6k worth of debt on his credit card.
It was all BS.
I ended our relationship (together for over 8 years). He triangulated and gaslighted me when we split.
It was like he was a completely different person afterwards. He even had a gf after 3 weeks. Low and behold a letter came through the letterbox recently saying be he owes an amount on a student bank ac. It was all him..
All along.

The second thing is the birthday surprise. My ex used to BIG up my birthday every single year. He’d talk about it for months. Get me really excited. Really make a big deal and then when my bday came around he would have these weird excuses as to why he couldn’t follow through on the surprise. I am not materialistic at all. I would have been happy with a picnic but it would literally amount to nothing. He also seemed to get a big thrill out of letting me down after getting me really excited.

Your GF sounds like a narcissist.
I spent years making excuses for my ex.
I tried so hard to make it work.
They don’t care though.
They only care about themselves

orthsquel

OP, I've been there. It's easy to read what people say, but hard to apply it to your own situation. It took me a very long time to see how badly a particular ex treated me, in a very similar way to how your gf is treating you.

I can understand you have real, deep feelings for her, and you're confused too where you stand in the relationship, and confused about what they are making you feel. But this is not a healthy relationship, and this person is not a healthy person for you to be around.

I went from a happy, independent, confident person to a wreck and lost all my confidence, self esteem and my happiness because of behaviour like that because I stayed too long well after red flags were shown like in your relationship. I really wouldn't wish that on anyone, and you should end this relationship as soon as you can. She will only drop you (probably by ghosting you) when it no longer suits, leaving you filled with questions and reeling after it all with no closure.

If I could turn back time to that relationship, I would have ended it when the first sign of confusion came in. I didn't and I regret it, because I could have caught myself in time, before the damage was done to my self esteem and confidence and overall happiness. I genuinely believed at the time they cared about me, I was so confused about what was being said to me one day and what was happening the next. Don't make the same mistake I did. I know it's hard to maybe see where you are, but the key is the confusion you are feeling and you should not be feeling that level of confusion about where you stand and how you are emotionally feeling, being rejected and made to blame for having normal, human, responses.

Take a step back and think about how she has treated you, and how you feel. Think back to who you were a year ago and describe that person. Now describe the person you are and feel yourself to be right now. If they are not the same or better, then you must realise her being part of your life is damaging you. Then you should realise you must for your sake, end the relationship.

WIZWEB

OP strong parallels to a previous toxic 'relationship' of mine too. I'm glad I long physically escaped that nightmare. Emotionally and psychologically it took a bit of a while but I'm in a good place now. The only way to heal and live a good and happy life you deserve is completely blocking such an individual and completely maintaining No Contact. You're still in denial as I and others once were. Your dampened suspicions about what she is up to with those other guys is a deflection from reality. I recently (long after I left) had a conversation with the alleged ex before me. Turns out me and him and others were being manipulated and played along at the same time!

Your 'partner' as emphasised by many here is a textbook narcissist. You're just another supply of many to her. It's all about them and garnering attention (positive or negative) from as many sources as possible. Disengage and detach or you'll be drained emotionally, psychologically and physically. Work with a therapist on increasing your self-worth, boundary setting and decreasing your tolerance for disrespect. Otherwise you'll take this thing back or leave the door open to another in your life.

LegacyUser

Hi OP,
I too was in a relationship with a guy for 7 years, who would not call me his "girlfriend". He even proposed, saying he would get me a ring "next week", here's a flower from the garden "for now". Or he would call over for the night, then leave to go to one of his other-side-of town- parties alone. He was buying a cottage at the time, and he would keep me sweet by painting this idyllic picture of the 2 of us living in his little house. When i did go down to help with the renovation, I had to buy him a kettle / tea bags/ coffee/ mugs etc as he was buying his hot drinks in the shop accross the road.
We called to my then best friend one night. He started acting odd, and went out to the car. He came back in and was acting shifty. On the way home he told me he'd written her a note with his number on it telling her he fancied her, but hadn't the balls to give it to her. He got great craic from telling me about a foreign lady who wanted to marry him for cash.
When we did split up I was so heartbroken. Looking back I wish I'd seen how bloody abnormal the whole thing was. And I was never the same person again, he really did a number on my head, and I haven't dated much since.
Please OP don't waste any more years of your life. Change your number and move on. Being a bit devastated from a break up for a few weeks is better than wasting x more years and kicking yourself for being an anxious 40 year old with trust issues.