Confusion over relationship

LegacyUser

Long term poster going anonymous.

So backstory I've been dating this girl for just under a year and things have been up and down. When things are good, they're amazing. I could see myself marrying this girl. And I know she feels the same in that regard. But when things are bad it has me questioning everything.

Some things that genuinely confuse me:

As I said we've been dating just under a year and we are still not bf/gf. She talks about one day wanting to marry me and having kids but at present she won't commit to being in a proper official relationship with me. I've called her on it and asked why. She said she doesn't feel good enough for me at the moment to be my girlfriend. This makes no sense when yet she tells me she one day will become my wife but just won't be my girlfriend at present. She knows how important this is to me. I know it's just a title but to me it makes it feel a little bit more special when I can actually call this girl my girlfriend.

She texts a lot of other guys who she calls as friends. A couple of them are from her workplace who she sees as mentors and friends but I know from the people involved they would like something more from that. Another is a very close guy friend of hers who the other day when I sat in the car with her and she was on the phone to him he said 'I love you' to her as they were hanging up the phone. I know they're very close and have no problem in the slightest with their friendship as I do fully trust her but it didn't seem right for a guy to be saying that to a 'taken' girl. Perhaps I've overreacting on that one. The final guy is a guy from 3 counties over who she met while studying the same time period she met me. They're always texting and he even gave that love heart symbol thing to her latest profile picture on Facebook. Yea I know I shouldn't read too much into that side of things but it still bothers me a guy she met during a training weekend texts regularly with her.

When we fight we go days without talking. It's petty and childish and I can't stand it. But I'm sick of being the one to make the first move and to fix things. We argue rarely but they're over the smallest of things. The other day it was she pinched me at a training meeting to get my attention as I was on my phone (not socializing but rather on my phone discussing a quick matter that needed addressing that had all to do with the meeting). She pinched me considerably hard that my normal reaction was to flinch and turn to her asking 'what?!'. She didn't like the way I reacted and after left the meeting place to storm off to my car without saying a word then when I got there began shouting at me before turning her back and giving me the quiet treatment. I was meant to stay in hers that night but with the silent treatment there was no way I could stay so I told her I would drop her home and proceed to get my stuff and leave for the night. She kept on at me for a minute or turn about my behaviour at the meeting and when I brought up the pinch she called me a wimp in a real belittling way. It felt very childish to resort to name calling like that. She in the past has called me a dramaqueen as normally when we're having one of these petty arguments I walk away because of how stubborn she is and I just mentally can't take it anymore. Other arguments have been over me leaving a toilet seat up. Seriously. On one occasion. When I do something wrong I always hold my hands up and apologise and admit I was wrong. But with these petty things I find myself more just walking away as I can't take it anymore. She's been in past abusive relationships where she's been treated like crap physically and emotionally. I treat her like she's the only girl in the world but these fights and lack of commitment from her are taking its toll on me.

My birthday was in April. She gave me a letter as a present that stated as part of my gift she would take me down to Kerry for some night time kayaking and a weekend away. It's September now and we still haven't gone. She never once suggested dates for us to go or really made any effort since my birthday to properly plan this trip. This hurt me a lot. I never told her how much this continues to hurt me considering its her birthday next month and I plan on doing something really special for her for it.

I do absolutely everything for her. I'm there for when she needs me night or day. I've helped her with her with her training, made phonecalls and sent emails calling in favours for her to progress, helped out with any prospective jobs, giving up entire days to comfort her when she's been down, everything. I don't expect to be told how amazing I am for doing all this or for her to return the favour. I would just like some commitment from her so I know I'm appreciated and loved by her.

Maybe this is a huge overreaction from me. But it's troubling me and I'd really love some advice from you guys on the above.

rainbowtrout

OP, people are very quick to say get rid on this forum, but I'd be wondering what's in it for you?

You've written 6 paragraphs, and you haven't said a single positive thing about your girlfriend. Plenty of negative stuff though. I don't buy this bull of 'I'm not good enough to be your girlfriend' after a year. After a year you either are or you're not. As for the birthday thing, the letter is meaningless without any follow through. Actions speak louder than words.


In a nutshell, you seem to have her on a pedestal and she seems to treat you like shite. I can't honestly see what's in it for you. Why would you think of marrying a girl that doesn't see you as her boyfriend, and you haven't a single good thing to say about her?

Arrival

I'd be ending that relationship. Honestly sounds like she's a manipulator, possibly even a narcissist, and what you've described would make me very uncomfortable. Texting multiple guys all the time who tell her they love her and all that? Sounds like she loves attention from men who aren't her boyfriend. I would never continue to stay in contact with girls who behaved or said things like that while I had a girlfriend purely out of respect for my girlfriend. Not wanting to put a label on your relationship? At this stage, from all that I've learned in life and heard through other people's experiences, I wouldn't be surprised if she's like this so she can use it as a technicality to mentally justify her ability to give attention to other men, possibly more than that.

Finally, that thing about the birthday would end it all for me for sure. She gave you a LETTER for your birthday? And on that letter she talked about doing something nice which you were interested in doing and she hadn't even organised it beforehand to be able to give you a date for when it would happen? This girl does not give a **** about you man, she has no respect and you're not her priority in the same way she is yours. You sound like a decent guy and I guarantee there are plenty of nicer girls who'll show you respect and actually make an effort for you. Let her off to those desperate losers pursuing a girl with a boyfriend

Seriously, sit down for a couple of hours and Google abuse and narcissistic abuse and have a read through other people's experiences and see if you relate to many of them, the part where you say "when things are good they're amazing" triggered alarms for me anyway, this is what captures abuse victims because they constantly cycle through good and bad periods and always reassure themselves that the good times will come again. Not talking to you for DAYS after having arguments and you're always the one who has to initiate the resolution? ****kk that man. Reasonable adults in healthy relationships can recognise when an argument is arising and actually discussed it in their own ways to resolve the issue and compromise, they don't ignore each other for days.

Pelvis

She doesn't want to be your girlfriend, she never will. She wants you there for the boost in confidence but keeping you at arms length means she can drop you like a stone because really you're not exclusive. Sounds like she has some back up options too.

You're wasting your time op.

LegacyUser

rainbowtrout wrote: »

OP, people are very quick to say get rid on this forum, but I'd be wondering what's in it for you?

You've written 6 paragraphs, and you haven't said a single positive thing about your girlfriend. Plenty of negative stuff though. I don't buy this bull of 'I'm not good enough to be your girlfriend' after a year. After a year you either are or you're not. As for the birthday thing, the letter is meaningless without any follow through. Actions speak louder than words.


In a nutshell, you seem to have her on a pedestal and she seems to treat you like shite. I can't honestly see what's in it for you. Why would you think of marrying a girl that doesn't see you as her boyfriend, and you haven't a single good thing to say about her?

Thanks all for your replies. I do thank you for taking the time to comment.

There's are plenty of positive things I can say about her. I wouldn't feel this way if there wasn't. It's more that I've highlighted the negative ones that are getting to me.

It saddens me so much she doesn't want to be my girlfriend. That coupled with my birthday 'present' and the petty fights have me questioning everything. I want to look past this and for someone to give me a valid excuse for her that I'm overreacting or reading too much into this

Sardonicat

She's right about one thing; she's NOT good enough for you.

She's been stringing you along for a year. She openly flirts with other guys. She pinched you (!) in public to get your attention and then name calls YOU. If she felt the need to attract your attention why didn't she tap her foot against yours at give you a subtle nudge with her elbow? That's what everyone else does.

I'd take her stories about being in an abusive relationship with a pinch of salt but from what you've described here I'd have no difficulty believing she was the abusive partner. And that is what she is being now, an abusive partner.

Time for her to jog on and for you to move on. You do not deserve this treatment.

Big Bag of Chips

Sadguy123 wrote: »

It saddens me so much she doesn't want to be my girlfriend.

If she doesn't want to be your gf then to be honest you are being a mug by hanging around waiting. I'm not sure how you can be "dating" someone for almost a year, and not consider yourselves in a relationship. Is she dating others?

You do know, you get to have a say, don't you. What you are getting from this "relationship" isn't suiting you. So you tell her that. That then gives her the chance to change what she is offering, or not. If she doesn't, then you have the choice to wall away, or not.

But at the moment she has all the benefits of a "boyfriend" without actually committing to you. I'd say if she's like that with you, she's also like that with others. And she's stringing all those others along too with the same lines.

Edit: and yes, as mentioned by other posters, it seems you are in an abusive relationship. Her doing something wrong, and then turning it around to being your fault is classic behaviour. You always having to be the one to apologise, make the first move etc. If allowed continue it will only get worse rather than better.

Sephiroth_dude

Give her a letter for her birthday stating you won't giving her anything as you're still waiting on your present! I wouldn't bother contacting her again, just walk away, don't even bother telling her, use the money you would have used for her birthday and go on a nice trip for yourself, life is too short to be dealing with people like this.

Ghekko

I agree - time to free yourself from this head wreck of a relationship. No relationship should cause you such grief. Believe that you deserve better than the pathetic excuses she is giving you - won't commit to being your gf as she's not good enough? Bull. She's keeping all her options open and using you in the process. Don't bother with the gift for her birthday. She didn't think enough of you to follow through on her letter.

punisher5112

Wow what a head wreck is right.

Girls can be such terrible people of course there are guys the same but she is a user.

Most likely has others in exactly the same position you are in and gets things off them she needs or wants.

I would start with distance and leave her off.

Just try it and you will find it was mostly likely you were the one chasing her and she most likely won't try or try anyway hard to get you.

Best of luck and there are definitely better fish in the sea.

Sinus pain

Her actions are showing her feelings for you. She’s definitely keeping her options open and I believe she may be stringing the others along in the same way- she wouldn’t be lying when she tells them your not her boyfriend. Really sit back and see what you get from the relationship. If you feel your getting everything you want from it - storm ahead - if not change that- either by talking to her and telling her or leaving. Only you can do that - and no amount of us advising you is going to change your mind

Ursus Horribilis

As a rule of thumb, not knowing where you stand in a relationship is a warning sign. In your case, the whole thing has more red flags than a communist party rally.

Have you ever had a girlfriend before?

spoonerhead

Really sorry for the situation you find yourself in. Very little more I can add that hasn’t been said, I think the writing is on the wall.

You seem like a very decent guy, I’m sure you deserve better than this situation

punisher5112

Ursus Horribilis wrote: »

As a rule of thumb, not knowing where you stand in a relationship is a warning sign. In your case, the whole thing has more red flags than a communist party rally.

Have you ever had a girlfriend before?

Reminds me of my first girlfriend.......

Well not really as she was using me and even getting me to drop her off at the other fellas gaf....

How sad is that

Purple Mountain

Sadguy123 wrote: »

I want to look past this and for someone to give me a valid excuse for her that I'm overreacting or reading too much into this

Nobody on here is going to do that I'm afraid.

Ursus Horribilis

I think you're in love with the person you think she could be, rather than who she actually is. If you weren't involved with this woman and read what you've told us, you'd see things very differently. Sometimes we're very good at deluding ourselves and seeing things differently to how they are. There are nothing but red flags in your posts and that's echoed in the unanimous advice you've been given so far.

If this woman was genuinely in love with you and wanted a relationship, your head would not be fried and you would not have started this thread. She would've been as eager as you to tie things down and make it official. She'd not be interested in texting all these other men and twisting her words. It has been said here many times that when people tell you who they are, you should pay attention. It's not the words that come out of her mouth that you need to look at here. It's the way she treats you. Which, quite frankly, is very badly. Why would you even want to be in a relationship with someone who treats you with such little respect? I wouldn't even like to be friends with someone who carries on like that!

Why do you think things will improve? You've got a year of mind-****ery and being treated like a plaything under your belt. I strongly advise you to cut your losses and get out. All the warning signs are there.

Katgurl

I think she sounds very manipulative. I had a similar situation with a man a few years ago. He made me miserable. Huge declarations all the time about how crazy he was about me, marriage in the future and going on adventures abroad. But we weren't official right now. We 'planned' a weekend away in ireland but then he wouldnt commit to a particular date, just wanted to talk in a vague sometime manner.

I suspect I was older then than you are now so I could spot the signs I was wasting my time and said goodbye. I have never regretted it.

LegacyUser

Thank you everyone for your words.

We spoke on the phone twice today. I broke down in tears both times. She said she wasn't responsible for how I feel. She said she does care about me too. She didn't apologise for anything, but rather said I need to stop overreacting all the time from the slightest thing and allowing it to be blown out of proportion. I said we both need to take responsibility for it. I'm no perfect guy and I'll fully admit that. She also said she doesn't have time for the drama (likewise!) but it almost feels like it's my fault the whole thing. Maybe it is and maybe I am overreacting. I don't know anymore.

punisher5112

Sadguy123 wrote: »

Thank you everyone for your words.

We spoke on the phone twice today. I broke down in tears both times. She said she wasn't responsible for how I feel. She said she does care about me too. She didn't apologise for anything, but rather said I need to stop overreacting all the time from the slightest thing and allowing it to be blown out of proportion. I said we both need to take responsibility for it. I'm no perfect guy and I'll fully admit that. She also said she doesn't have time for the drama (likewise!) but it almost feels like it's my fault the whole thing. Maybe it is and maybe I am overreacting. I don't know anymore.

Now you know. She obviously doesn't give a fcuk.


Run.... Run quite fast

JustJoe7240

Sadguy123 wrote: »

Thank you everyone for your words.

We spoke on the phone twice today. I broke down in tears both times. She said she wasn't responsible for how I feel. She said she does care about me too. She didn't apologise for anything, but rather said I need to stop overreacting all the time from the slightest thing and allowing it to be blown out of proportion. I said we both need to take responsibility for it. I'm no perfect guy and I'll fully admit that. She also said she doesn't have time for the drama (likewise!) but it almost feels like it's my fault the whole thing. Maybe it is and maybe I am overreacting. I don't know anymore.

With all due respect OP,this thread is a waste of everybody's time, you've had at least 10 or 15 unbiased people telling you that you're in an abusive relationship, and you're sitting here questioning whether you're responsible? Life is too short my friend

SScope

She's a headwreck. You need to get rid if her. Honestly from what you've posted there is nothing there for you.

Is it more important for you to be in a relationship and put up with that or be happy? You could be happy and single or happy and in a relationship.
This relationship isn't making you happy so maybe, until the other person is right for you, you should be single and happy

Ursus Horribilis

Op, did you actually read any of the responses on this thread?

Sephiroth_dude

Sadguy123 wrote: »

Thank you everyone for your words.

We spoke on the phone twice today. I broke down in tears both times. She said she wasn't responsible for how I feel. She said she does care about me too. She didn't apologise for anything, but rather said I need to stop overreacting all the time from the slightest thing and allowing it to be blown out of proportion. I said we both need to take responsibility for it. I'm no perfect guy and I'll fully admit that. She also said she doesn't have time for the drama (likewise!) but it almost feels like it's my fault the whole thing. Maybe it is and maybe I am overreacting. I don't know anymore.

Walk away and don't contact her anymore, she has shown her true colours.

Big Bag of Chips

How many of these statements can you put a tick beside?

http://www.amen.ie/recognise-signs-domestic-abuse/

lawred2

You're being mugged off OP. Hard as it is, it's time to move on.

lawred2

Sadguy123 wrote: »

Thank you everyone for your words.

We spoke on the phone twice today. I broke down in tears both times. She said she wasn't responsible for how I feel. She said she does care about me too. She didn't apologise for anything, but rather said I need to stop overreacting all the time from the slightest thing and allowing it to be blown out of proportion. I said we both need to take responsibility for it. I'm no perfect guy and I'll fully admit that. She also said she doesn't have time for the drama (likewise!) but it almost feels like it's my fault the whole thing. Maybe it is and maybe I am overreacting. I don't know anymore.

Ah here... You're crying down the phone and she says she's not responsible for how you feel..

Where's the empathy?

You need to get out of that 'relationship' fast.

Arrival

Sadguy123 wrote: »

Thank you everyone for your words.

We spoke on the phone twice today. I broke down in tears both times. She said she wasn't responsible for how I feel. She said she does care about me too. She didn't apologise for anything, but rather said I need to stop overreacting all the time from the slightest thing and allowing it to be blown out of proportion. I said we both need to take responsibility for it. I'm no perfect guy and I'll fully admit that. She also said she doesn't have time for the drama (likewise!) but it almost feels like it's my fault the whole thing. Maybe it is and maybe I am overreacting. I don't know anymore.

Oh my ****ing God, I give up, this is a hopeless case. Good luck with continuing to be made into a shadow of your former self and losing your dignity and pride. Believe me, one day you are seriously going to look back at how you're thinking and behaving here and wish you could go back in time and punch yourself in the face for not leaving this person as everyone is telling you

Big Bag of Chips

Arrival, yellow card for uncivil response.

Can posters lay off the OP and remember in Personal Issues you are very often offering advice to posters who are in vulnerable positions. It's not so easy to change overnight on the word of strangers. There is history with the people involved which can cloud judgement. Also the relationships aren't always bad which can make a person question whether or not they're overreacting. Manipulative people are very good at manipulating. If it was so easy to "cop on" then there would be no need for Women's Aid, AMEN or online support and advice.

Remember: Mature, constructive, civil advice.

LegacyUser

Believe me I am listening to what you guys are saying. But there's a part of me that just doesn't want to believe it. I know for you guys you're looking at it in black and white from what I'm saying and I can see your frustration. This is one of the hardest things for me to do. I love this girl and I thought she loved me too. I'm praying that you're all wrong and this will all come good again but I just know it's only a matter of time until something like this happens again. I'm scared. I'm scared of being alone once again. I have very little confidence in myself and there's been some very dark days in my past in which I'm scared I'll walk into again. All I want is to be happy and I can't seem to find the strength inside to do the right thing here. I thought she might have been the one

Arrival

Sadguy123 wrote: »

Believe me I am listening to what you guys are saying. But there's a part of me that just doesn't want to believe it. I know for you guys you're looking at it in black and white from what I'm saying and I can see your frustration. This is one of the hardest things for me to do. I love this girl and I thought she loved me too. I'm praying that you're all wrong and this will all come good again but I just know it's only a matter of time until something like this happens again. I'm scared. I'm scared of being alone once again. I have very little confidence in myself and there's been some very dark days in my past in which I'm scared I'll walk into again. All I want is to be happy and I can't seem to find the strength inside to do the right thing here. I thought she might have been the one

As scary as it may seem to be to go back to being alone you have to find it within you because staying with someone who is not only not 'the one' but someone who treats you with no empathy, no compassion and no respect long term will gradually make you have even less self esteem and confidence in yourself AND it reduces your chances to actually finding 'the one' since you won't be single and free to allow yourself to give other girls a chance. You will meet someone genuinely good for you that will actually love you enough to call you their boyfriend and introduce you to people close to them with pride but only once you completely remove this toxic one-sided relationship from your life. That feeling of love towards her will grow less and less each day until you eventually are far away enough to look at all of this objectively and realise you made the right decision.

Like another poster suggested, this girl doesn't even deserve an explanation about why you left, you should just block all forms of communication with her and put your head down to get over it all, any contact with her will increase the length of time it takes to move on.

LegacyUser

Oh OP! What a horrible situation to be in, I really feel for you. I know you don't want to accept what you know in your heart to be true, and what everyone on here has said to you. However, the sooner you do, the better it will start to get. You talk about being afraid to be alone and dark days and being afraid to go back to those feelings, but staying in this relationship is going to bring those feels to you. It will wear you down (it's already driven you to posting on boards) and it will eat away at any good, positive feelings you have.

This woman has shown you who she is. She has shown you how little she thinks of you. She won't acknowledge you as her boyfriend, she's stringing along other men from the sounds of it, refuses to do anything nice for your birthday, tells you when you are crying and vulnerable that you feeling that way is not her problem, tells you she doesn't want the "drama"! Good God! I would be devastated if I thought I was causing my boyfriend so much hurt.

Please think seriously about ending things. Do you really think she'd think twice about dumping you? She won't. You'll be yesterday's news in a heartbeat when she's done with you. People like this leave bodies in their wake amd they REALLY dont care!