Confusion over relationship

LegacyUser

Long term poster going anonymous.

So backstory I've been dating this girl for just under a year and things have been up and down. When things are good, they're amazing. I could see myself marrying this girl. And I know she feels the same in that regard. But when things are bad it has me questioning everything.

Some things that genuinely confuse me:

As I said we've been dating just under a year and we are still not bf/gf. She talks about one day wanting to marry me and having kids but at present she won't commit to being in a proper official relationship with me. I've called her on it and asked why. She said she doesn't feel good enough for me at the moment to be my girlfriend. This makes no sense when yet she tells me she one day will become my wife but just won't be my girlfriend at present. She knows how important this is to me. I know it's just a title but to me it makes it feel a little bit more special when I can actually call this girl my girlfriend.

She texts a lot of other guys who she calls as friends. A couple of them are from her workplace who she sees as mentors and friends but I know from the people involved they would like something more from that. Another is a very close guy friend of hers who the other day when I sat in the car with her and she was on the phone to him he said 'I love you' to her as they were hanging up the phone. I know they're very close and have no problem in the slightest with their friendship as I do fully trust her but it didn't seem right for a guy to be saying that to a 'taken' girl. Perhaps I've overreacting on that one. The final guy is a guy from 3 counties over who she met while studying the same time period she met me. They're always texting and he even gave that love heart symbol thing to her latest profile picture on Facebook. Yea I know I shouldn't read too much into that side of things but it still bothers me a guy she met during a training weekend texts regularly with her.

When we fight we go days without talking. It's petty and childish and I can't stand it. But I'm sick of being the one to make the first move and to fix things. We argue rarely but they're over the smallest of things. The other day it was she pinched me at a training meeting to get my attention as I was on my phone (not socializing but rather on my phone discussing a quick matter that needed addressing that had all to do with the meeting). She pinched me considerably hard that my normal reaction was to flinch and turn to her asking 'what?!'. She didn't like the way I reacted and after left the meeting place to storm off to my car without saying a word then when I got there began shouting at me before turning her back and giving me the quiet treatment. I was meant to stay in hers that night but with the silent treatment there was no way I could stay so I told her I would drop her home and proceed to get my stuff and leave for the night. She kept on at me for a minute or turn about my behaviour at the meeting and when I brought up the pinch she called me a wimp in a real belittling way. It felt very childish to resort to name calling like that. She in the past has called me a dramaqueen as normally when we're having one of these petty arguments I walk away because of how stubborn she is and I just mentally can't take it anymore. Other arguments have been over me leaving a toilet seat up. Seriously. On one occasion. When I do something wrong I always hold my hands up and apologise and admit I was wrong. But with these petty things I find myself more just walking away as I can't take it anymore. She's been in past abusive relationships where she's been treated like crap physically and emotionally. I treat her like she's the only girl in the world but these fights and lack of commitment from her are taking its toll on me.

My birthday was in April. She gave me a letter as a present that stated as part of my gift she would take me down to Kerry for some night time kayaking and a weekend away. It's September now and we still haven't gone. She never once suggested dates for us to go or really made any effort since my birthday to properly plan this trip. This hurt me a lot. I never told her how much this continues to hurt me considering its her birthday next month and I plan on doing something really special for her for it.

I do absolutely everything for her. I'm there for when she needs me night or day. I've helped her with her with her training, made phonecalls and sent emails calling in favours for her to progress, helped out with any prospective jobs, giving up entire days to comfort her when she's been down, everything. I don't expect to be told how amazing I am for doing all this or for her to return the favour. I would just like some commitment from her so I know I'm appreciated and loved by her.

Maybe this is a huge overreaction from me. But it's troubling me and I'd really love some advice from you guys on the above.

rainbowtrout

OP, people are very quick to say get rid on this forum, but I'd be wondering what's in it for you?

You've written 6 paragraphs, and you haven't said a single positive thing about your girlfriend. Plenty of negative stuff though. I don't buy this bull of 'I'm not good enough to be your girlfriend' after a year. After a year you either are or you're not. As for the birthday thing, the letter is meaningless without any follow through. Actions speak louder than words.


In a nutshell, you seem to have her on a pedestal and she seems to treat you like shite. I can't honestly see what's in it for you. Why would you think of marrying a girl that doesn't see you as her boyfriend, and you haven't a single good thing to say about her?

Arrival

I'd be ending that relationship. Honestly sounds like she's a manipulator, possibly even a narcissist, and what you've described would make me very uncomfortable. Texting multiple guys all the time who tell her they love her and all that? Sounds like she loves attention from men who aren't her boyfriend. I would never continue to stay in contact with girls who behaved or said things like that while I had a girlfriend purely out of respect for my girlfriend. Not wanting to put a label on your relationship? At this stage, from all that I've learned in life and heard through other people's experiences, I wouldn't be surprised if she's like this so she can use it as a technicality to mentally justify her ability to give attention to other men, possibly more than that.

Finally, that thing about the birthday would end it all for me for sure. She gave you a LETTER for your birthday? And on that letter she talked about doing something nice which you were interested in doing and she hadn't even organised it beforehand to be able to give you a date for when it would happen? This girl does not give a **** about you man, she has no respect and you're not her priority in the same way she is yours. You sound like a decent guy and I guarantee there are plenty of nicer girls who'll show you respect and actually make an effort for you. Let her off to those desperate losers pursuing a girl with a boyfriend

Seriously, sit down for a couple of hours and Google abuse and narcissistic abuse and have a read through other people's experiences and see if you relate to many of them, the part where you say "when things are good they're amazing" triggered alarms for me anyway, this is what captures abuse victims because they constantly cycle through good and bad periods and always reassure themselves that the good times will come again. Not talking to you for DAYS after having arguments and you're always the one who has to initiate the resolution? ****kk that man. Reasonable adults in healthy relationships can recognise when an argument is arising and actually discussed it in their own ways to resolve the issue and compromise, they don't ignore each other for days.

Pelvis

She doesn't want to be your girlfriend, she never will. She wants you there for the boost in confidence but keeping you at arms length means she can drop you like a stone because really you're not exclusive. Sounds like she has some back up options too.

You're wasting your time op.

LegacyUser

rainbowtrout wrote: »

OP, people are very quick to say get rid on this forum, but I'd be wondering what's in it for you?

You've written 6 paragraphs, and you haven't said a single positive thing about your girlfriend. Plenty of negative stuff though. I don't buy this bull of 'I'm not good enough to be your girlfriend' after a year. After a year you either are or you're not. As for the birthday thing, the letter is meaningless without any follow through. Actions speak louder than words.


In a nutshell, you seem to have her on a pedestal and she seems to treat you like shite. I can't honestly see what's in it for you. Why would you think of marrying a girl that doesn't see you as her boyfriend, and you haven't a single good thing to say about her?

Thanks all for your replies. I do thank you for taking the time to comment.

There's are plenty of positive things I can say about her. I wouldn't feel this way if there wasn't. It's more that I've highlighted the negative ones that are getting to me.

It saddens me so much she doesn't want to be my girlfriend. That coupled with my birthday 'present' and the petty fights have me questioning everything. I want to look past this and for someone to give me a valid excuse for her that I'm overreacting or reading too much into this

Sardonicat

She's right about one thing; she's NOT good enough for you.

She's been stringing you along for a year. She openly flirts with other guys. She pinched you (!) in public to get your attention and then name calls YOU. If she felt the need to attract your attention why didn't she tap her foot against yours at give you a subtle nudge with her elbow? That's what everyone else does.

I'd take her stories about being in an abusive relationship with a pinch of salt but from what you've described here I'd have no difficulty believing she was the abusive partner. And that is what she is being now, an abusive partner.

Time for her to jog on and for you to move on. You do not deserve this treatment.

Big Bag of Chips

Sadguy123 wrote: »

It saddens me so much she doesn't want to be my girlfriend.

If she doesn't want to be your gf then to be honest you are being a mug by hanging around waiting. I'm not sure how you can be "dating" someone for almost a year, and not consider yourselves in a relationship. Is she dating others?

You do know, you get to have a say, don't you. What you are getting from this "relationship" isn't suiting you. So you tell her that. That then gives her the chance to change what she is offering, or not. If she doesn't, then you have the choice to wall away, or not.

But at the moment she has all the benefits of a "boyfriend" without actually committing to you. I'd say if she's like that with you, she's also like that with others. And she's stringing all those others along too with the same lines.

Edit: and yes, as mentioned by other posters, it seems you are in an abusive relationship. Her doing something wrong, and then turning it around to being your fault is classic behaviour. You always having to be the one to apologise, make the first move etc. If allowed continue it will only get worse rather than better.

Sephiroth_dude

Give her a letter for her birthday stating you won't giving her anything as you're still waiting on your present! I wouldn't bother contacting her again, just walk away, don't even bother telling her, use the money you would have used for her birthday and go on a nice trip for yourself, life is too short to be dealing with people like this.

Ghekko

I agree - time to free yourself from this head wreck of a relationship. No relationship should cause you such grief. Believe that you deserve better than the pathetic excuses she is giving you - won't commit to being your gf as she's not good enough? Bull. She's keeping all her options open and using you in the process. Don't bother with the gift for her birthday. She didn't think enough of you to follow through on her letter.

punisher5112

Wow what a head wreck is right.

Girls can be such terrible people of course there are guys the same but she is a user.

Most likely has others in exactly the same position you are in and gets things off them she needs or wants.

I would start with distance and leave her off.

Just try it and you will find it was mostly likely you were the one chasing her and she most likely won't try or try anyway hard to get you.

Best of luck and there are definitely better fish in the sea.

Sinus pain

Her actions are showing her feelings for you. She’s definitely keeping her options open and I believe she may be stringing the others along in the same way- she wouldn’t be lying when she tells them your not her boyfriend. Really sit back and see what you get from the relationship. If you feel your getting everything you want from it - storm ahead - if not change that- either by talking to her and telling her or leaving. Only you can do that - and no amount of us advising you is going to change your mind

Ursus Horribilis

As a rule of thumb, not knowing where you stand in a relationship is a warning sign. In your case, the whole thing has more red flags than a communist party rally.

Have you ever had a girlfriend before?

spoonerhead

Really sorry for the situation you find yourself in. Very little more I can add that hasn’t been said, I think the writing is on the wall.

You seem like a very decent guy, I’m sure you deserve better than this situation

punisher5112

Ursus Horribilis wrote: »

As a rule of thumb, not knowing where you stand in a relationship is a warning sign. In your case, the whole thing has more red flags than a communist party rally.

Have you ever had a girlfriend before?

Reminds me of my first girlfriend.......

Well not really as she was using me and even getting me to drop her off at the other fellas gaf....

How sad is that

Purple Mountain

Sadguy123 wrote: »

I want to look past this and for someone to give me a valid excuse for her that I'm overreacting or reading too much into this

Nobody on here is going to do that I'm afraid.

Ursus Horribilis

I think you're in love with the person you think she could be, rather than who she actually is. If you weren't involved with this woman and read what you've told us, you'd see things very differently. Sometimes we're very good at deluding ourselves and seeing things differently to how they are. There are nothing but red flags in your posts and that's echoed in the unanimous advice you've been given so far.

If this woman was genuinely in love with you and wanted a relationship, your head would not be fried and you would not have started this thread. She would've been as eager as you to tie things down and make it official. She'd not be interested in texting all these other men and twisting her words. It has been said here many times that when people tell you who they are, you should pay attention. It's not the words that come out of her mouth that you need to look at here. It's the way she treats you. Which, quite frankly, is very badly. Why would you even want to be in a relationship with someone who treats you with such little respect? I wouldn't even like to be friends with someone who carries on like that!

Why do you think things will improve? You've got a year of mind-****ery and being treated like a plaything under your belt. I strongly advise you to cut your losses and get out. All the warning signs are there.

Katgurl

I think she sounds very manipulative. I had a similar situation with a man a few years ago. He made me miserable. Huge declarations all the time about how crazy he was about me, marriage in the future and going on adventures abroad. But we weren't official right now. We 'planned' a weekend away in ireland but then he wouldnt commit to a particular date, just wanted to talk in a vague sometime manner.

I suspect I was older then than you are now so I could spot the signs I was wasting my time and said goodbye. I have never regretted it.

LegacyUser

Thank you everyone for your words.

We spoke on the phone twice today. I broke down in tears both times. She said she wasn't responsible for how I feel. She said she does care about me too. She didn't apologise for anything, but rather said I need to stop overreacting all the time from the slightest thing and allowing it to be blown out of proportion. I said we both need to take responsibility for it. I'm no perfect guy and I'll fully admit that. She also said she doesn't have time for the drama (likewise!) but it almost feels like it's my fault the whole thing. Maybe it is and maybe I am overreacting. I don't know anymore.

punisher5112

Sadguy123 wrote: »

Thank you everyone for your words.

We spoke on the phone twice today. I broke down in tears both times. She said she wasn't responsible for how I feel. She said she does care about me too. She didn't apologise for anything, but rather said I need to stop overreacting all the time from the slightest thing and allowing it to be blown out of proportion. I said we both need to take responsibility for it. I'm no perfect guy and I'll fully admit that. She also said she doesn't have time for the drama (likewise!) but it almost feels like it's my fault the whole thing. Maybe it is and maybe I am overreacting. I don't know anymore.

Now you know. She obviously doesn't give a fcuk.


Run.... Run quite fast

JustJoe7240

Sadguy123 wrote: »

Thank you everyone for your words.

We spoke on the phone twice today. I broke down in tears both times. She said she wasn't responsible for how I feel. She said she does care about me too. She didn't apologise for anything, but rather said I need to stop overreacting all the time from the slightest thing and allowing it to be blown out of proportion. I said we both need to take responsibility for it. I'm no perfect guy and I'll fully admit that. She also said she doesn't have time for the drama (likewise!) but it almost feels like it's my fault the whole thing. Maybe it is and maybe I am overreacting. I don't know anymore.

With all due respect OP,this thread is a waste of everybody's time, you've had at least 10 or 15 unbiased people telling you that you're in an abusive relationship, and you're sitting here questioning whether you're responsible? Life is too short my friend

SScope

She's a headwreck. You need to get rid if her. Honestly from what you've posted there is nothing there for you.

Is it more important for you to be in a relationship and put up with that or be happy? You could be happy and single or happy and in a relationship.
This relationship isn't making you happy so maybe, until the other person is right for you, you should be single and happy

Ursus Horribilis

Op, did you actually read any of the responses on this thread?

Sephiroth_dude

Sadguy123 wrote: »

Thank you everyone for your words.

We spoke on the phone twice today. I broke down in tears both times. She said she wasn't responsible for how I feel. She said she does care about me too. She didn't apologise for anything, but rather said I need to stop overreacting all the time from the slightest thing and allowing it to be blown out of proportion. I said we both need to take responsibility for it. I'm no perfect guy and I'll fully admit that. She also said she doesn't have time for the drama (likewise!) but it almost feels like it's my fault the whole thing. Maybe it is and maybe I am overreacting. I don't know anymore.

Walk away and don't contact her anymore, she has shown her true colours.

Big Bag of Chips

How many of these statements can you put a tick beside?

http://www.amen.ie/recognise-signs-domestic-abuse/

lawred2

You're being mugged off OP. Hard as it is, it's time to move on.

lawred2

Sadguy123 wrote: »

Thank you everyone for your words.

We spoke on the phone twice today. I broke down in tears both times. She said she wasn't responsible for how I feel. She said she does care about me too. She didn't apologise for anything, but rather said I need to stop overreacting all the time from the slightest thing and allowing it to be blown out of proportion. I said we both need to take responsibility for it. I'm no perfect guy and I'll fully admit that. She also said she doesn't have time for the drama (likewise!) but it almost feels like it's my fault the whole thing. Maybe it is and maybe I am overreacting. I don't know anymore.

Ah here... You're crying down the phone and she says she's not responsible for how you feel..

Where's the empathy?

You need to get out of that 'relationship' fast.

Arrival

Sadguy123 wrote: »

Thank you everyone for your words.

We spoke on the phone twice today. I broke down in tears both times. She said she wasn't responsible for how I feel. She said she does care about me too. She didn't apologise for anything, but rather said I need to stop overreacting all the time from the slightest thing and allowing it to be blown out of proportion. I said we both need to take responsibility for it. I'm no perfect guy and I'll fully admit that. She also said she doesn't have time for the drama (likewise!) but it almost feels like it's my fault the whole thing. Maybe it is and maybe I am overreacting. I don't know anymore.

Oh my ****ing God, I give up, this is a hopeless case. Good luck with continuing to be made into a shadow of your former self and losing your dignity and pride. Believe me, one day you are seriously going to look back at how you're thinking and behaving here and wish you could go back in time and punch yourself in the face for not leaving this person as everyone is telling you

Big Bag of Chips

Arrival, yellow card for uncivil response.

Can posters lay off the OP and remember in Personal Issues you are very often offering advice to posters who are in vulnerable positions. It's not so easy to change overnight on the word of strangers. There is history with the people involved which can cloud judgement. Also the relationships aren't always bad which can make a person question whether or not they're overreacting. Manipulative people are very good at manipulating. If it was so easy to "cop on" then there would be no need for Women's Aid, AMEN or online support and advice.

Remember: Mature, constructive, civil advice.

LegacyUser

Believe me I am listening to what you guys are saying. But there's a part of me that just doesn't want to believe it. I know for you guys you're looking at it in black and white from what I'm saying and I can see your frustration. This is one of the hardest things for me to do. I love this girl and I thought she loved me too. I'm praying that you're all wrong and this will all come good again but I just know it's only a matter of time until something like this happens again. I'm scared. I'm scared of being alone once again. I have very little confidence in myself and there's been some very dark days in my past in which I'm scared I'll walk into again. All I want is to be happy and I can't seem to find the strength inside to do the right thing here. I thought she might have been the one

Arrival

Sadguy123 wrote: »

Believe me I am listening to what you guys are saying. But there's a part of me that just doesn't want to believe it. I know for you guys you're looking at it in black and white from what I'm saying and I can see your frustration. This is one of the hardest things for me to do. I love this girl and I thought she loved me too. I'm praying that you're all wrong and this will all come good again but I just know it's only a matter of time until something like this happens again. I'm scared. I'm scared of being alone once again. I have very little confidence in myself and there's been some very dark days in my past in which I'm scared I'll walk into again. All I want is to be happy and I can't seem to find the strength inside to do the right thing here. I thought she might have been the one

As scary as it may seem to be to go back to being alone you have to find it within you because staying with someone who is not only not 'the one' but someone who treats you with no empathy, no compassion and no respect long term will gradually make you have even less self esteem and confidence in yourself AND it reduces your chances to actually finding 'the one' since you won't be single and free to allow yourself to give other girls a chance. You will meet someone genuinely good for you that will actually love you enough to call you their boyfriend and introduce you to people close to them with pride but only once you completely remove this toxic one-sided relationship from your life. That feeling of love towards her will grow less and less each day until you eventually are far away enough to look at all of this objectively and realise you made the right decision.

Like another poster suggested, this girl doesn't even deserve an explanation about why you left, you should just block all forms of communication with her and put your head down to get over it all, any contact with her will increase the length of time it takes to move on.

LegacyUser

Oh OP! What a horrible situation to be in, I really feel for you. I know you don't want to accept what you know in your heart to be true, and what everyone on here has said to you. However, the sooner you do, the better it will start to get. You talk about being afraid to be alone and dark days and being afraid to go back to those feelings, but staying in this relationship is going to bring those feels to you. It will wear you down (it's already driven you to posting on boards) and it will eat away at any good, positive feelings you have.

This woman has shown you who she is. She has shown you how little she thinks of you. She won't acknowledge you as her boyfriend, she's stringing along other men from the sounds of it, refuses to do anything nice for your birthday, tells you when you are crying and vulnerable that you feeling that way is not her problem, tells you she doesn't want the "drama"! Good God! I would be devastated if I thought I was causing my boyfriend so much hurt.

Please think seriously about ending things. Do you really think she'd think twice about dumping you? She won't. You'll be yesterday's news in a heartbeat when she's done with you. People like this leave bodies in their wake amd they REALLY dont care!

LegacyUser

Thank you everyone. I really do appreciate the advice and all that you've said.

ManOfMystery

Sadguy123 wrote: »

Believe me I am listening to what you guys are saying. But there's a part of me that just doesn't want to believe it. I know for you guys you're looking at it in black and white from what I'm saying and I can see your frustration. This is one of the hardest things for me to do. I love this girl and I thought she loved me too. I'm praying that you're all wrong and this will all come good again but I just know it's only a matter of time until something like this happens again. I'm scared. I'm scared of being alone once again. I have very little confidence in myself and there's been some very dark days in my past in which I'm scared I'll walk into again. All I want is to be happy and I can't seem to find the strength inside to do the right thing here. I thought she might have been the one

Everything she does - the rudeness, the inability to commit, the general behaviour, texting other guys, etc - is all symptomatic of someone who ....................... just isn't that into you, to be frank.

She obviously enjoys attention from men. She likes you keeping you at arm's length, knowing that you're almost infatuated with her, so she will get the birthdays and the presents and the attention and the shoulder to cry on - but is under no real obligation to return the favour. All the good stuff, with no cost to her. 

Put simply, she's treating you as a doormat.

I have been in similar situations when I was younger, so believe me when I say that all the crying in the world will not illicit an emotional response from her and force her into caring deeply for you. It doesn't work like that. If anything, it will only come across as pathetic to someone as uncompassionate as her.

Your only real chance at happiness here is to cut her loose and find it elsewhere with someone who cares about you. Assert yourself and don't be a doormat for her for even one minute longer. She is using, abusing and manipulating you and you should be angry about that. You deserve some respect, and if you can't get it from her, you can get it from yourself by cutting this toxicity out of your life.

As a rule of thumb in life, always maintain your self-worth and don't let people like her - be it in a social or professional capacity - walk over you.

Sardonicat

ManOfMystery wrote: »

As a rule of thumb in life, always maintain your self-worth and don't let people like her - be it in a social or professional capacity - walk over you.

This is a golden piece of advice and worth framing.

qwerty13

She’s a horrible person OP. Playing on your insecurities, and toying with you. She’s just out and out nasty. Please don’t tie yourself to her. You’ll only end up more messed up by her than you currently are.

There is no dilemma. She’s an abuser. Get out and stay away from her. And never look back.

blairbear

This woman is absolutely gaslighting you. I find your posts really uncomfortable to read as she is so nasty and unpleasant. She must be very, very pretty or have some other mysterious allure because she sounds wretched, inside and out.

You desperately need to walk away. Imagine how much more at peace you would be without her. Of course it would hurt initially, but feeling sad is actually preferable to the nauseating anxiety that I guarantee you are feeling all the time at the moment.

Please don't let anyone treat you like this. Cutting someone out of your life who is bad for you is actually so empowering. There is no happy ending in store here. Think of the best couple you know; how did the story of their relationship go? Did it involve lengthy periods of one of them being nasty to the other? Of refusing to acknowledge the other as their boyfriend/girlfriend? Any man who has ever been seriously into me has wanted me to be their girlfriend within weeks, and vice versa. Are you even exclusive?

Nobody is going to advise you to stick this out. This is an emotionally abusive relationship.

osarusan

Sadguy123 wrote: »

My birthday was in April. She gave me a letter as a present that stated as part of my gift she would take me down to Kerry for some night time kayaking and a weekend away. It's September now and we still haven't gone. She never once suggested dates for us to go or really made any effort since my birthday to properly plan this trip. This hurt me a lot. I never told her how much this continues to hurt me considering its her birthday next month and I plan on doing something really special for her for it.

Give her back the letter on your way out the door for the last time.

Sinus pain

Give her a letter for her birthdaydetailing all the great things you plan doing on the weekend she brings you away for your birthday.

beertons

Dude. Delete her number/profile/memory. She's messing with your head, sounds like a narcissist. A letter for your birthday, how old is she.

Take a holiday to clear the head, make new plans like job/education progression, take up a new hobby.

di11on

I would say exit stage left. Seems clear to me that you are plan B while she's working on plan A. Look after yourself. Focus on being happy in yourself - focus on your hobbies, on what makes you tick. Women love a confident person who is happy in themselves. She might very well chase you as soon as you're no longer a fall back, but don't count on it... look after and respect yourself - sounds a little like you are in danger of being in doormat/carpet territory at the moment.

bucketybuck

Stringing along other men?

Believe me OP, she has done a lot more than that with other men, don't kid yourself otherwise.

LegacyUser

OP, you dont want to believe that dozens have people told you now - this woman is toxic.

if it was a woman writing about a man, youd be telling her she is in an abusive relationship and to seek help and get out of it immediately.

i have a friend like you that was in similiar set up to you - his GF treated him like absolute dirt, years and years she crushed every part of him, made him feel like a piece of sh*te and destroyed him. he stayed with her, out of fear of being alone, perhaps like you.

eventually after shed taken all his money, used him for everything and he finally saw through her, he left her. 3 years on, he is engaged to a lovely girl and is happier than ever before. there is somebody out there for everybody, it sounds like this is not the right one for you.

i wish you the best of luck and happiness, it sounds like you deserve it.

professore

How many girls are you texting and flirting with? How would she like that? Would you see nothing wrong with that if you were doing it? If she cried down the phone to you would you tell her you aren't responsible for her feelings?

Ironically she would probably respect you more. You are her backup plan when she's had her fun with guys she is sexually attracted to. She has no respect for you. This is as plain as day to everyone on here.

Being in a relationship like this is way lonelier than being "on your own"... Nonsense anyway as you are far freer as an unattached man to make friends, go out etc when you want. In a "relationship" with someone like this she will cut you off from your friends and kill your self esteem, if.she hasn't already done so.

LegacyUser

The first is that you mention she was in abusive relationships before you.
My ex had this spiel when I met him. I believed him. I believed him when he told me his ex rang up €6k worth of debt on his credit card.
It was all BS.
I ended our relationship (together for over 8 years). He triangulated and gaslighted me when we split.
It was like he was a completely different person afterwards. He even had a gf after 3 weeks. Low and behold a letter came through the letterbox recently saying be he owes an amount on a student bank ac. It was all him..
All along.

The second thing is the birthday surprise. My ex used to BIG up my birthday every single year. He’d talk about it for months. Get me really excited. Really make a big deal and then when my bday came around he would have these weird excuses as to why he couldn’t follow through on the surprise. I am not materialistic at all. I would have been happy with a picnic but it would literally amount to nothing. He also seemed to get a big thrill out of letting me down after getting me really excited.

Your GF sounds like a narcissist.
I spent years making excuses for my ex.
I tried so hard to make it work.
They don’t care though.
They only care about themselves

orthsquel

OP, I've been there. It's easy to read what people say, but hard to apply it to your own situation. It took me a very long time to see how badly a particular ex treated me, in a very similar way to how your gf is treating you.

I can understand you have real, deep feelings for her, and you're confused too where you stand in the relationship, and confused about what they are making you feel. But this is not a healthy relationship, and this person is not a healthy person for you to be around.

I went from a happy, independent, confident person to a wreck and lost all my confidence, self esteem and my happiness because of behaviour like that because I stayed too long well after red flags were shown like in your relationship. I really wouldn't wish that on anyone, and you should end this relationship as soon as you can. She will only drop you (probably by ghosting you) when it no longer suits, leaving you filled with questions and reeling after it all with no closure.

If I could turn back time to that relationship, I would have ended it when the first sign of confusion came in. I didn't and I regret it, because I could have caught myself in time, before the damage was done to my self esteem and confidence and overall happiness. I genuinely believed at the time they cared about me, I was so confused about what was being said to me one day and what was happening the next. Don't make the same mistake I did. I know it's hard to maybe see where you are, but the key is the confusion you are feeling and you should not be feeling that level of confusion about where you stand and how you are emotionally feeling, being rejected and made to blame for having normal, human, responses.

Take a step back and think about how she has treated you, and how you feel. Think back to who you were a year ago and describe that person. Now describe the person you are and feel yourself to be right now. If they are not the same or better, then you must realise her being part of your life is damaging you. Then you should realise you must for your sake, end the relationship.

WIZWEB

OP strong parallels to a previous toxic 'relationship' of mine too. I'm glad I long physically escaped that nightmare. Emotionally and psychologically it took a bit of a while but I'm in a good place now. The only way to heal and live a good and happy life you deserve is completely blocking such an individual and completely maintaining No Contact. You're still in denial as I and others once were. Your dampened suspicions about what she is up to with those other guys is a deflection from reality. I recently (long after I left) had a conversation with the alleged ex before me. Turns out me and him and others were being manipulated and played along at the same time!

Your 'partner' as emphasised by many here is a textbook narcissist. You're just another supply of many to her. It's all about them and garnering attention (positive or negative) from as many sources as possible. Disengage and detach or you'll be drained emotionally, psychologically and physically. Work with a therapist on increasing your self-worth, boundary setting and decreasing your tolerance for disrespect. Otherwise you'll take this thing back or leave the door open to another in your life.

LegacyUser

Hi OP,
I too was in a relationship with a guy for 7 years, who would not call me his "girlfriend". He even proposed, saying he would get me a ring "next week", here's a flower from the garden "for now". Or he would call over for the night, then leave to go to one of his other-side-of town- parties alone. He was buying a cottage at the time, and he would keep me sweet by painting this idyllic picture of the 2 of us living in his little house. When i did go down to help with the renovation, I had to buy him a kettle / tea bags/ coffee/ mugs etc as he was buying his hot drinks in the shop accross the road.
We called to my then best friend one night. He started acting odd, and went out to the car. He came back in and was acting shifty. On the way home he told me he'd written her a note with his number on it telling her he fancied her, but hadn't the balls to give it to her. He got great craic from telling me about a foreign lady who wanted to marry him for cash.
When we did split up I was so heartbroken. Looking back I wish I'd seen how bloody abnormal the whole thing was. And I was never the same person again, he really did a number on my head, and I haven't dated much since.
Please OP don't waste any more years of your life. Change your number and move on. Being a bit devastated from a break up for a few weeks is better than wasting x more years and kicking yourself for being an anxious 40 year old with trust issues.