Haven't recovered since my husband cheated

Big Bag of Chips

How do you know it never got physical? Because he told you? Do you believe him? Why?

Ursus Horribilis

On the family thing, have you discussed the practicalities of your situation with your sister and friends? The job you have now isn't the only one in the world. Would it be feasible for you to find another job and move back home for a while? And if you were to separate from your husband, he's not going to hold all the cards in this. Have your sought legal advice?

Oh, and you aren't the one potentially breaking up you family. That man you married is, because of his behaviour. If you stay, what sort of example will you be giving your child? Children are smarter than we think and they pick up more than anybody can imagine.

MissShihTzu

OP - You do realise your dear 'hubby' is gaslighting you? From nasty to nice, trying to make you believe nothing physical happened with the other woman (Okey dokey!), trying to twist everything so it looks as though you are the crazy one.

Your husband is not a nice man. You know that. He doesn't deserve a loving wife, beautiful children or a comfortable home. Not provided by you, anyway.

But - you're talking about moving out. Why should you move when you have a baby? If he chooses not to move out? Fine. Do not clean the upstairs where he lives. Do not cook. Do not do his laundry. Do NOTHING for the lazy waster. Personally, I would not speak to him either. Your feelings have changed, and no-one here blames you for that.

You've been advised to seek immediate legal advice and to speak to Women's Aid? Did you do that? Because I am certain the first thing they would tell you is DO NOT MOVE OUT.

Come on. Deep breath. Big girl's pants on. You got this!

ellejola14

Thank you for all your replies, I appreciate each and everyone of you taking the time to give me your advice. I've taken a few days away at my parents (2hrs away) which he isn't happy about. He says I should be at home and allowing him to show how he can be a better husband and that it's me thats cashing all this while he's trying to fix everything. .
I think I've just lost so much confidence in myself over the last few years that finding the courage to tell him I want out is so frightening to me. He'll not want to accept it. I can't take off from my job atm, it's just not possible so there's no escape when I tell him I want to separate. I know I need to leave. I know that this is probably an attempt to change my mind and things will all slip again once he thinks he's stopped me going.

Ursus Horribilis

How about putting some plans in place first? Get your ducks in a row before pulling the trigger? Talk to a solicitor and find out what your rights are.

Start looking for another job if you decide moving closer to your family is what you want. Would any menbers of your family/good friends be willing to help you in any way. Ever if it's just to be close by when you have the "I'm leaving" conversation.

No normal relationship should drain you of confidence the way this one has. Try to bear in mind that you're doing this for you, to get the old you back.

Idle Passerby

It's pretty telling that even when he's "trying to show you how good a husband he is" he is blaming you and telling you what you should be doing. He's a bully.

Avoid him as much as possible, sort out your plan, get advice and make sure you have the emotional support you will need to break free.

Unfortunately it will probably get harder before it gets easier so you need to make sure you are strong enough to follow through. Stand firm in your decision and he'll have less of a hold over you and you'll start seeing how pathetic he really is. Your the strong one here, not him. You just need to start believing that.

Ursus Horribilis

Just another thing. You've been advised throughout this thread to talk to Women's Aid. Did you ever call them?

It's good that you're seeing a counsellor but you've got to be brave here. Quietly going to talk to Women's Aid and to a Solicitor does not mean you have to do anything for now. But please, gather yourself some hard facts rather than what you think you should be doing.

As Idle Passerby put it succinctly above me, your husband is a bully. He's not going to go quietly into the night for a number of reasons. A marriage break-up is going to inconvenience him too, especially if it means he has to move out or your home has to be sold. It'll be a blow to his ego. And, he'll be losing the person he has enjoyed bullying and destroying. None of them are good reasons to stay. Please, go get help. It doesn't mean you're about to pull everything down on top of you. It never hurt to have the correct facts to hand.

Paddy Cow

ellejola14 wrote: »

I've told my sister and 2 really good friends. All of which say to leave & don't look back.
Husband says I'm holding on to anger and hurt from his affair which he has said never got physical. I can't get my head around that. How can you be in constant contact with another girl for almost 9 months calling each other pet names, sending pics , videos, goodnight, good morning messages and never have gotten physical??!!! Am I missing something? He's making me feel like I shouldn't be hurt from that. I admit that my feelings changed the day I found out, I no longer knew the person I was married too. The hurt he caused me by the deceit and becoming so emotionally involved is something I'll harbour forever. The trust disappeared that day and I've never looked at him the same since.

It wouldn't matter if he had never had an affair - he is an abusive narcissist and if you stay with him, he will slowly chip away at you until you are an empty shell of a person. His behaviour will effect his daughter as she gets older and she will become so conditioned to it, it's possible she will also marry a narcissist and complete the cycle.

Only you can break the cycle for both yourself and your daughter. Do not entertain anything he says. People like that see others almost like possessions. You are his wife. To him that means you have his children, clean his house, cook his meals, iron his shirts and make him look like the ultimate family man to the outside world. What you should be is the person he respects and wants to share his life with. He's not sharing anything with you and won't even look after his own baby for an hour so you can go to the gym.

He is going to twist everything to be your fault. Ffs it was even your fault when pregnant for having morning sickness and not wanting sex. Sure men don't stop being horny when their wife is pregnant but most have the cop on to be supportive and not out chasing other women. He cheated before the wedding so he broke the family before it officially began.

He is the problem here. Don't forget that and stay strong. Once you get away from him and his toxic abuse, you will start to rebuild your self esteem and confidence and you'll be able to be genuinely happy and enjoy your daughter. If he starts getting in your head, ring your sisters and friend straight away and they will put you straight.

punisher5112

On the job part of course you have options.

Very sad to hear you have had to go through all you have and we'll done for reaching out.

You need to think of your baby but at the moment I believe your well being is also just as important or actually moreso if you want to be there for your child.

In all honesty I would be looking for him to leave the family home and if not you need to get onto a solicitor for best advice on where to go from here as to split assests and get maintenance.

You need to maybe go see your doctor and take some leave off work to get yourself set up.

I'm sure your family will back you and I don't believe anyone would let you go back if they know the full story.

Shocking stuff just unfortunately you married and had a kid before realizing his true colours.

How anyone could treat another like this is just not on.

Best of luck to you.

marquis0904

Sounds like your husband is a narccist!! It will never get better dealing with these toxic people leave while you can my dear.. No matter if they cheat on you or abuse you it will always be your fault. They use emotional manipulation tactics and constantly try to make you feel guilty or shameful for anything.. Your opinion and feelings don't matter only theirs.. There are plenty of YouTube videos on narccistic relationships look into that, but don't tell him about your reseator he will know that your catch on to his game and he will switch up his tactic.. Check out :From Surving to Thriving channel on YouTube and Assc Direct channel.

rob316

Wow I'm taken back by all this, I'll spell it out that man is an utter scumbag. Cheating on your pregnant wife is fairly low but all the other stuff is just plain abuse.

Get out now, confide in family and friends they will help and support you. This man doesn't love you, your just his toy to manipulate and after you he'll do the same to the next woman.

I wish you and your children good luck and I hope you find someone who treats you well.

professore

This is a nasty nasty man. I bet your friends, if he hasn't chased them all away, see through him like a pane of glass and have said it to you many times. I have nothing to add to the excellent advice of other posters, other than to say if someone hasn't said it before, you should speak to a solicitor ASAP to see your options are.