Haven't recovered since my husband cheated

ellejola14

Hi all, I haven't posted in a long time,.last time I did annoyonmously when I had found out my new husband of 7 months was cheating on me while I was pregnant. I decided to give him another chance as I was afraid to be single with a new baby and I felt completely trapped in the situation. I had no money to leave everything I had was put into our wedding and new home. He had been cheating before we got married and carried through until I was 7 months pregnant. Blamed me because the wedding left him stressed and my morning sickness left him feeling unloved because I did not feel able for sex. He made me promise not to tell anyone about what happened which I did but it also meant I had to deal with all the sadness and loneliness myself.

Fast forward 9 months a year and I feel he has never once made an effort to make things up to me, quite the opposite really. He constantly makes me feel so inadequate and useless. Hurtful comments on how I look, how I dress, how I walk, how I talk , how I cook, how I clean and how I look after our child. I feel broken. He's never at home and I much of the time it's just me and our child together. He hates to see me go anywhere or do anything on my own and makes me feel bad for wanting an hour to myself. I did join a gym Last year but anytime I want to go he says he's too busy and so can't look after the baby. I have more or less resided to the fact that this is what my life will be like forever. I feel alone and trapped and see no way out.

Has anyone been in a situation like this?? I don't want to live a miserable life like this. I'm constantly on the verge of tears every day and cry myself to sleep most nights. He's totally oblivious to all this as he doesn't see anything wrong with what he does. So sorry for the long post.

Edward M

<SNIP>

You need to get out of it I think. My sister went through this a few years ago, she spent a few miserable years trying to keep her marriage together "for the kids sake" after she found out her husband had been cheating.
A really nice guy we all thought. But anyway, she left as she couldn't get over it in the end and she turned back to being bubbly and good craic again, she's in a new and good relationship again, happy out.

jim salter

Leave. You may think you can't however, you can.
This situation will not only not improve, it will continue to deteriorate.
You are worth more. Your child is worth more.
Find a way to leave.
Do not communicate this to him, take control, choose a day, prepare, go.
You owe him absolutely nothing, you owe you and your child a good life. Just go.

Exclamation Marc

The end of your marriage will not be the end of your life. You should leave.

It may take time but you will find independence, stability, love and happiness again.

You'll find that a life without a monster like that as your partner will hugely reduce the feeling of loneliness and you'll start to become your happy self again.

Also, if your husband doesn't even have time or desire to spend time alone with his child, that says a lot about how bad a father he is.

Irrespective of all of the above, you don't deserve anything that has happened to you.

Ursus Horribilis

I see from your posting history (hope you don't mind that I had a look) that your husband isn't the first toxic man to have been in your life. You posted about your father, his controlling behaviour and the effect it was having on the whole family. I don't want to go all armchair psychologist here but it does look like the pattern's repeating itself. I can't help but wonder would you have even begun a relationship with your now husband if your family background had been more stable? You seem to have gone from the frying pan into the fire. Now you've got a child to consider. What sort of example do you think you're going to give to him/her if you continue to live with your husband? You lived in a home where your father didn't treat your mother well. Now the pattern is repeating itself. Do you want your child to grow up thinking it's OK to be an abuser or to be at the receiving end of someone else's abuse?

If you've never been in touch with them before, I strongly suggest you make contact with Women's Aid. Have you ever looked at their website and at the signs of emotional abuse? Not all domestic violence is physical - emotional abuse is every bit as harmful https://www.womensaid.ie/help/domesticviolence.html

The sad thing is that you've resigned yourself to this being your lot. That you've married this awful man and you're stuck there for life. How can you make a statement like that if you're not fully in possession of the facts? As well as contacting Women's Aid, I strongly suggest you quietly talk to a solicitor and find out what your options are. I think you'll find you're in a better position than you feel you are.

heretothere

Do you have any family you could move in with for a little while? He sounds awful! It doesn't sounds like a nice situation to be in at all. Cheating is a big no for me regardless of what excuse he tries to make up!

Emme

OP you are being emotionally abused. You need to leave him and the sooner the better.

www.womensaid.ie

ellejola14

Op here, sorry I'm only getting back to this now. My little one has been poorly. Thank you all for your replies.
I feel so so sad that it's all come to this. When I think back to things I've just put up with over the last few years it makes me so upset. I don't know why I didn't stand up for myself more. Even before we got married I felt as if I wasn't good enough for him from all the passing comments and remarks. When I was pregnant he never once showed any sort of empathy or sympathy to how I was feeling. I had terrible sickness , siactia, dreadfully swollen hands and feet and back pain floored me daily.
His attitude was just get up and get on with it. He didn't believe I needed naps so gave me lists of jobs to do instead. If he came for walks with me he complained I was too slow and wasn't standing up straight enough. When baby arrived he wasn't he doting husband other new mums seem to have. I was left to my own devices most of the time. He still expected dinner cooked, house cleaned and his clothes ironed. Writing this is making me cry. I truly mean little or nothing to him and now my little one will suffer. I feel sad that she will grow up without her mum and dad together and total upheavel.

Edward M

Many a happier child raised by one or both parents who are split up, than a child raised in an unhappy home with both parents.
You actually need to stop feeling sorry for yourself and get out of that relationship, it would be better for you and the child in the long run.

ellejola14

heretothere wrote: »

Do you have any family you could move in with for a little while? He sounds awful! It doesn't sounds like a nice situation to be in at all. Cheating is a big no for me regardless of what excuse he tries to make up![/quo
My family live 2 hours away, my work is here and my child happy with her childminder. I can't even imagine what I will do if I have to leave. It's my child that will suffer, and no way will be let me take her anywhere.

Ursus Horribilis

Have you ever spoken to Women's aid?

Dial Hard

ellejola14 wrote: »

I can't even imagine what I will do if I have to leave. It's my child that will suffer, and no way will he let me take her anywhere.

It's not up to him, though. It's up to the family court, who will decide what is in the child's best interest.

You need legal advice, and pronto. It's clear that you are very much brow-beaten by this man and he will do his utmost to take advantage of that.

Ursus Horribilis

Has it ever occurred to you that by staying you are going to inflict even more damage on your child?

Springfields

You are doing yourself and your little one no favours by staying...is this what you want to teach your child that they aren't worth his attention / time / love / affection?
You need to move on...if you are working I assume that you have income?
Have you any close friend who you can talk to..
There is plenty of advice / help out there...people who have helped others like you in this situation...you just need to make contact and ask for help. You have internet access...start there...get some advice...otherwise you are looking at a very sad and unhealthy future for both you and your little one..
Be brave and good luck

Ursus Horribilis

You have filled your head with negativity and foregone conclusions. Already you've decided in your head that your only option is to stay with your husband no matter how bad it gets. That you have no other options. That he's the one who holds all the cards.

Before you do anything else, make contact with Women's Aid. And do some proper research into what rights you actually have. Not what you "think" you have.

orthsquel

the responses here are singing from the same hymn sheet - you need to get out.

Your husband blamed you for cheating on you before you were married, and 7 months into the pregnancy. He blamed you for his actions. The only actions in this world each individual can control is their very own actions and behaviour. You are not at fault for "causing" your husband to cheat on you. He is. He is also responsible and accountable for his behaviour. You have also been forced into silence by him to not tell anyone about his cheating and other behaviour - that is not right and that is intimidating and threatening behaviour, as well as controlling. You are married to a bully who has no love for you or your child.

If you've a long list of occasions of being abused (psychologically and emotionally) by someone in your life, it is very difficult to see how you are not at fault, especially when you fall into a relationship with someone who has the same behaviour of blaming someone else for their negative actions and behaviours, and who won't hold themselves account for their negative behaviours. But you are not at fault here.

Your husband most likely doesn't feel deep down he is to blame, or at fault, he will twist and distort any defence you have, to excuse his behaviour and blame it back on you. He has zero empathy and compassion. He is not a loving person and he is never, ever, ever going to change, unless he hits rock bottom, alone without someone else to blame in life.

I would urge you OP to contact Women's Aid asap. You have a much better life ahead of you without this bully in your life. Talk to colleagues at work, let them know what is happening (you'd be surprised how many people would have come across this in their lives, even with siblings or parents), talk to friends, TELL THEM what is going in your marriage, they will be there for you and will listen, will help you.

lulu1

OP get yourself away from this useless excuse of a man I know you are afraid of the future, but could it really be any worse than been put down every day you get up, before long it will cause you to fall into bad health. You have to do what's right for yourself and your child

OP I feel that maybe you are making excuses
My work is here My child loves their childminder
He wont let me take the child anywhere My child will suffer

You have 2 choices Stay with someone who treats you like

---

Or go and make a happier life for you and your child. It wont be easy but at least you will have peace

Emme

OP you seem to have resigned yourself to the fact that you will have to stay with your abusive husband and continue turning yourself inside out for him and getting nothing but abuse for it as well. He may well be cheating on you too.

If you wanted to stay with him and you had no children it would be your choice only. However you have a child and it is unfair to inflict that sort of a life on your child. If you stay your child will grow up thinking it's ok for women to be abused and treated badly. That has a terrible impact on them. Your child will suffer far far more if you stay with him.

For the sake of your children you must leave him and start a new life. It would be far better for children to be brought up by a single mother than by with man like that hovering in the background giving orders, making constant criticism and doing nothing to help.

Please take everyone's advice and talk to Women's Aid as soon as you can.

cbyrd

See a solicitor first. Don't leave the family home, change the locks. Go see your local community welfare officer and get whatever you can to tide you over until you can get legal and proper maintenance.
Emotionally, get this guy out of your life as much as possible. You are worth more than this and so is your child.
Adultery is grounds for divorce, probably why he didn't want you telling anyone. So tell everyone.
Take your life back.

tara73

cbyrd wrote: »

See a solicitor first. Don't leave the family home, change the locks. .

don't do this, changing locks. it will not work in your favour, quite the opposite.

MartyMcFly84

He sounds like an absolute d!ck.

Leave him as soon as you can. Dont suffer alone.

ellejola14

Hi all,OP here. It's been a few weeks since I posted. I'm still in the house and my husband has moved upstairs as he wouldn't agree to move out. I'm currently trying to find somewhere else to go but financially i can't right now. I did go home for a couple of weeks but I had to return to my job. My husband is now acting like a completely different person and says he's trying to fix everything in the hope I'll change my mind that it's over. It's like the flick of a switch and to be truthful is playing havoc with my mind. He's capable of being nice to me and caring but has chosen not to for so long. I've been to counselling which is helping me come to terms with things but I've started to feel so guilty because I want to leave and I'm breaking up my family.
I don't see my husband much, I'm usually in bed before he's home but the situation is unhealthy and I'm constantly anxious. It's just the way he's changed his attitude so dramatically that I can't get my head around.

zapper55

Of course he changed his attitude. He's manipulating you. He spent months and months emotionally abusing you. Understandably your head is wrecked that's his plan.

I hope you talk to women's aid and soon. Please also remember that the time a woman leaves is the time she is at most risk from her partner. You need support you can't do this on your own no one could.

What you don't see is that he wants you to feel stupid and worthless so you wont go anywhere. But you are far from that. And you are stronger than tou think.

Big Bag of Chips

Any change he has made will most likely be short term. To reel you back in so that the threat of you leaving (and people knowing why) is lifted. I'd expect this to last a few weeks until he's confident you're going nowhere and then he'll slowly return to "normal" but with the added "I changed, did everything for you" etc. It's emotional abuse.

He may change. People can. But he has had the ability to treat you so badly for so long. The change would need to be fairly dramatic. Does he work evenings? Why is he never home until you're in bed. Making changes and making an effort means being there with his family. Not just not being an arsehole for the short time he is there.

Don't be pressured into anything. If you want to stay to see how it goes, of course that's what you should do. But if things go back to how they were, don't feel that because you made the choice to stay that you have to stick with that decision. It is not easy to walk away from a marriage. It can take years to build up to.

Take care of yourself, and make the decisions that are best for you.

Edit: by the way, if he hasnt stepped up as a father and is still preventing you from going places, then think of yourself as a single parent. If you want to go to the gym, get a babysitter in for an hour or so. Don't depend on him to be there. Because he uses it to manipulate you.

Exclamation Marc

Echoing what Big Bag of Chips said, it's very easy for your husband to flick the switch while he's in panic mode to try and fix things but history speaks for itself and more likely than not he'll go back to his old ways if he's able to change your mind.

Stay strong. Don't feel guilty about anything, you have to look after yourself and your children.

sasal

cbyrd wrote: »

Adultery is grounds for divorce, probably why he didn't want you telling anyone. .

In Ireland you don't need to provide grounds for divorce, only that you have lived apart for 4 years and there is no hope of reconciliation.

Idle Passerby

Agree with the above. If he can decide to treat you with respect overnight, he is well aware his behaviour is in general below par. So if he knows its wrong and hurting you, why does he do it? Because he doesn't care about your happiness. Someone who feels inadequate and isolated is easier to manipulate.

If you escape the situation he cant control you anymore and you might tell others he's not the nice guy he paints himself to be in everyday life. That's the only reason he's tip-toeing at the moment. And hes putting the bare minimum effort in even now by the sounds of it. You can disregard his promises, words are cheap.

Have you told your family/friends about whats going on and how hes treated you/ You need people to lean on who will have your back when he inevitably turns nasty again.

ellejola14

I've told my sister and 2 really good friends. All of which say to leave & don't look back.
Husband says I'm holding on to anger and hurt from his affair which he has said never got physical. I can't get my head around that. How can you be in constant contact with another girl for almost 9 months calling each other pet names, sending pics , videos, goodnight, good morning messages and never have gotten physical??!!! Am I missing something? He's making me feel like I shouldn't be hurt from that. I admit that my feelings changed the day I found out, I no longer knew the person I was married too. The hurt he caused me by the deceit and becoming so emotionally involved is something I'll harbour forever. The trust disappeared that day and I've never looked at him the same since.

Idle Passerby

ellejola14 wrote: »

Husband says I'm holding on to anger and hurt from his affair which he has said never got physical. I can't get my head around that. How can you be in constant contact with another girl for almost 9 months calling each other pet names, sending pics , videos, goodnight, good morning messages and never have gotten physical??!!!

Even if its true that it was never physical, it was a betrayal and it hurt you and changed your feelings towards your husband. Sounds like he's minimising your hurt which suggests again, that he's not all that remorseful, he just wants things to go back to normal as quick as possible.

Ursus Horribilis

So why are you staying? Everybody - on this thread and in real life - is telling you to leave. It isn't going to get any better. Stop trying to find reasons for his behaviour. He does not love or respect you. You seem to be the only person who can't see that .

seamus

ellejola14 wrote: »

I've told my sister and 2 really good friends. All of which say to leave & don't look back.

These are 3 people who love you and want the best for you. They haven't hurt you. They haven't treated you badly. You need to place the value of their words higher than the value of his.

Husband says I'm holding on to anger and hurt from his affair which he has said never got physical.

He's trying to get off on a "technicality". Think about that. He's basically saying that this is your fault because he's done nothing wrong.

If you had absolute proof in your hands today, that it never got physical, would you go, "Oh that's OK then. He was only deeply intimate with this girl, shared deep thoughts and feelings, and teased eachother sexually. But he never stuck his dick in her, so everything's rosy"?

No, you wouldn't. Whether it became physical or not is irrelevant.

I admit that my feelings changed the day I found out, I no longer knew the person I was married too. The hurt he caused me by the deceit and becoming so emotionally involved is something I'll harbour forever. The trust disappeared that day and I've never looked at him the same since.

Right. Read that again. He is not the person you thought you married. And he never will be.

So it makes no sense to continue with the marriage. You wouldn't accept being married to any other stranger, so you don't have to accept this one either.

All of the things about where to go, what to do, etc. Are practicalities. Small details that can be worked out. So long as you have somewhere to go where you and your child will be safe, everything else can be worked out.

Big Bag of Chips

How do you know it never got physical? Because he told you? Do you believe him? Why?

Ursus Horribilis

On the family thing, have you discussed the practicalities of your situation with your sister and friends? The job you have now isn't the only one in the world. Would it be feasible for you to find another job and move back home for a while? And if you were to separate from your husband, he's not going to hold all the cards in this. Have your sought legal advice?

Oh, and you aren't the one potentially breaking up you family. That man you married is, because of his behaviour. If you stay, what sort of example will you be giving your child? Children are smarter than we think and they pick up more than anybody can imagine.

MissShihTzu

OP - You do realise your dear 'hubby' is gaslighting you? From nasty to nice, trying to make you believe nothing physical happened with the other woman (Okey dokey!), trying to twist everything so it looks as though you are the crazy one.

Your husband is not a nice man. You know that. He doesn't deserve a loving wife, beautiful children or a comfortable home. Not provided by you, anyway.

But - you're talking about moving out. Why should you move when you have a baby? If he chooses not to move out? Fine. Do not clean the upstairs where he lives. Do not cook. Do not do his laundry. Do NOTHING for the lazy waster. Personally, I would not speak to him either. Your feelings have changed, and no-one here blames you for that.

You've been advised to seek immediate legal advice and to speak to Women's Aid? Did you do that? Because I am certain the first thing they would tell you is DO NOT MOVE OUT.

Come on. Deep breath. Big girl's pants on. You got this!

ellejola14

Thank you for all your replies, I appreciate each and everyone of you taking the time to give me your advice. I've taken a few days away at my parents (2hrs away) which he isn't happy about. He says I should be at home and allowing him to show how he can be a better husband and that it's me thats cashing all this while he's trying to fix everything. .
I think I've just lost so much confidence in myself over the last few years that finding the courage to tell him I want out is so frightening to me. He'll not want to accept it. I can't take off from my job atm, it's just not possible so there's no escape when I tell him I want to separate. I know I need to leave. I know that this is probably an attempt to change my mind and things will all slip again once he thinks he's stopped me going.

Ursus Horribilis

How about putting some plans in place first? Get your ducks in a row before pulling the trigger? Talk to a solicitor and find out what your rights are.

Start looking for another job if you decide moving closer to your family is what you want. Would any menbers of your family/good friends be willing to help you in any way. Ever if it's just to be close by when you have the "I'm leaving" conversation.

No normal relationship should drain you of confidence the way this one has. Try to bear in mind that you're doing this for you, to get the old you back.

Idle Passerby

It's pretty telling that even when he's "trying to show you how good a husband he is" he is blaming you and telling you what you should be doing. He's a bully.

Avoid him as much as possible, sort out your plan, get advice and make sure you have the emotional support you will need to break free.

Unfortunately it will probably get harder before it gets easier so you need to make sure you are strong enough to follow through. Stand firm in your decision and he'll have less of a hold over you and you'll start seeing how pathetic he really is. Your the strong one here, not him. You just need to start believing that.

Ursus Horribilis

Just another thing. You've been advised throughout this thread to talk to Women's Aid. Did you ever call them?

It's good that you're seeing a counsellor but you've got to be brave here. Quietly going to talk to Women's Aid and to a Solicitor does not mean you have to do anything for now. But please, gather yourself some hard facts rather than what you think you should be doing.

As Idle Passerby put it succinctly above me, your husband is a bully. He's not going to go quietly into the night for a number of reasons. A marriage break-up is going to inconvenience him too, especially if it means he has to move out or your home has to be sold. It'll be a blow to his ego. And, he'll be losing the person he has enjoyed bullying and destroying. None of them are good reasons to stay. Please, go get help. It doesn't mean you're about to pull everything down on top of you. It never hurt to have the correct facts to hand.

Paddy Cow

ellejola14 wrote: »

I've told my sister and 2 really good friends. All of which say to leave & don't look back.
Husband says I'm holding on to anger and hurt from his affair which he has said never got physical. I can't get my head around that. How can you be in constant contact with another girl for almost 9 months calling each other pet names, sending pics , videos, goodnight, good morning messages and never have gotten physical??!!! Am I missing something? He's making me feel like I shouldn't be hurt from that. I admit that my feelings changed the day I found out, I no longer knew the person I was married too. The hurt he caused me by the deceit and becoming so emotionally involved is something I'll harbour forever. The trust disappeared that day and I've never looked at him the same since.

It wouldn't matter if he had never had an affair - he is an abusive narcissist and if you stay with him, he will slowly chip away at you until you are an empty shell of a person. His behaviour will effect his daughter as she gets older and she will become so conditioned to it, it's possible she will also marry a narcissist and complete the cycle.

Only you can break the cycle for both yourself and your daughter. Do not entertain anything he says. People like that see others almost like possessions. You are his wife. To him that means you have his children, clean his house, cook his meals, iron his shirts and make him look like the ultimate family man to the outside world. What you should be is the person he respects and wants to share his life with. He's not sharing anything with you and won't even look after his own baby for an hour so you can go to the gym.

He is going to twist everything to be your fault. Ffs it was even your fault when pregnant for having morning sickness and not wanting sex. Sure men don't stop being horny when their wife is pregnant but most have the cop on to be supportive and not out chasing other women. He cheated before the wedding so he broke the family before it officially began.

He is the problem here. Don't forget that and stay strong. Once you get away from him and his toxic abuse, you will start to rebuild your self esteem and confidence and you'll be able to be genuinely happy and enjoy your daughter. If he starts getting in your head, ring your sisters and friend straight away and they will put you straight.

punisher5112

On the job part of course you have options.

Very sad to hear you have had to go through all you have and we'll done for reaching out.

You need to think of your baby but at the moment I believe your well being is also just as important or actually moreso if you want to be there for your child.

In all honesty I would be looking for him to leave the family home and if not you need to get onto a solicitor for best advice on where to go from here as to split assests and get maintenance.

You need to maybe go see your doctor and take some leave off work to get yourself set up.

I'm sure your family will back you and I don't believe anyone would let you go back if they know the full story.

Shocking stuff just unfortunately you married and had a kid before realizing his true colours.

How anyone could treat another like this is just not on.

Best of luck to you.

marquis0904

Sounds like your husband is a narccist!! It will never get better dealing with these toxic people leave while you can my dear.. No matter if they cheat on you or abuse you it will always be your fault. They use emotional manipulation tactics and constantly try to make you feel guilty or shameful for anything.. Your opinion and feelings don't matter only theirs.. There are plenty of YouTube videos on narccistic relationships look into that, but don't tell him about your reseator he will know that your catch on to his game and he will switch up his tactic.. Check out :From Surving to Thriving channel on YouTube and Assc Direct channel.

rob316

Wow I'm taken back by all this, I'll spell it out that man is an utter scumbag. Cheating on your pregnant wife is fairly low but all the other stuff is just plain abuse.

Get out now, confide in family and friends they will help and support you. This man doesn't love you, your just his toy to manipulate and after you he'll do the same to the next woman.

I wish you and your children good luck and I hope you find someone who treats you well.

professore

This is a nasty nasty man. I bet your friends, if he hasn't chased them all away, see through him like a pane of glass and have said it to you many times. I have nothing to add to the excellent advice of other posters, other than to say if someone hasn't said it before, you should speak to a solicitor ASAP to see your options are.