Confused... confused and more confused...

LegacyUser

Hi all.

I’ll try to be as short as possible.

I’m in my mid 30’s.

Back when I was a late teen, my gf was pregnant.
During this time, we were young, and we fooled around with another man. I was very drunk at the time, and have very little memory of the event.

Fast forward 15+ years.

No longer with the woman I had a kid with. (Separated long time ago).

All my life, I have been into women. I still am. I’ve had many girlfriends, some short some long term. I would consider myself straight. I watch straight porn, and love having physical relations with women.

Over the past 5+ years, at completely random times, my mind will wander to that night, and I become confused, turned on by the thought of doing stuff with another man, and I don’t know what to do.
It doesn’t lead me to watch anything different etc. It’s more just a fantasy in my head that I would like to experience something sober.

I guess I’m more wondering if I should just do it, see if I like it.
I don’t believe I’m gay, as I have no interest in kissing a man, nor dating one.
It’s purely down to a physical “lust” for performing oral on a man, and receiving anal pleasure.

I’ve experimented with toys before, and found it fun and interesting.

One other vital piece of info, when these random thoughts do appear, and I masterbait thinking about it, as soon as I’m finished, I feel wrong, weird and the thoughts instantly turn to regret.

Any advice, similar situations, thoughts, help would be great.

LegacyUser

I wouldn't worry too much about it. There's nothing wrong with a bit of harmless exploration/experimentation. If you do decide to hook up with a guy, the worst that could happen is you have a good time (or not, as the case may be). It doesn't necessarily make you gay to fool around a bit.

pigtown

You don't have to act on anything. If you're happy as you are then why change?

If you feel that you'd like to try something and get it out of your system then there's nothing wrong with that. Go for it if you're not hurting anyone.

Don't think too much into those thoughts of regret, you've been conditioned to view same-sex stuff as different and unusual so of course you'll feel a bit off about it.

Download Grindr and chat to people. It can be as anonymous as you like and you'll soon find out whether you'd be interested in meeting with other men.

power pants

Ananomouse wrote: »

I wouldn't worry too much about it. There's nothing wrong with a bit of harmless exploration/experimentation. If you do decide to hook up with a guy, the worst that could happen is you have a good time (or not, as the case may be). It doesn't necessarily make you gay to fool around a bit.

If giving blowjobs and having sex with a man doesn’t make you gay , then what does???!

Xterminator

power pants wrote: »

If giving blowjobs and having sex with a man doesn’t make you gay , then what does???!

Rainbow badges :rolleyes:

P_1

Absolutely nothing wrong with that OP. You dont need to put a label on it if you dont want to. So long as everything is safe sane and consensual fire ahead. Variety is the spice of life afterall

.......

power pants wrote: »

If giving blowjobs and having sex with a man doesn’t make you gay , then what does???!

Why would it "make you gay"?

At most it might indicate that the OP is bisexual seeing as he knows he is definitely attracted to women.

Bit regressive to be using terms such as "make you gay" tbh.

Sexuality is a spectrum. Most gay people will have had heterosexual experiences in their youth while they were figuring things out - that doesnt mean we describe them as straight. Many straight people will have had some homosexual experiences at some point too. Doesnt mean they are gay.

Go for it OP, a bit of sexual experimentation wont hurt anyone, so long as its consensual and safe.

Xterminator

Go for it OP, a bit of sexual experimentation wont hurt anyone, so long as its consensual and safe.

Sorry Op, has a child and possibly a partner. And yes sexually experimenting can cause havoc with relationships. OP should be very careful about whether he acts on his urges.

P_1

Xterminator wrote: »

Sorry Op, has a child and possibly a partner. And yes sexually experimenting can cause havoc with relationships. OP should be very careful about whether he acts on his urges.

Repressing them can also cause havoc to the op personally. Sane safe and consensual op that's always the way to go.

.......

Xterminator wrote: »

Sorry Op, has a child and possibly a partner. And yes sexually experimenting can cause havoc with relationships. OP should be very careful about whether he acts on his urges.

Cant see why having a child means you cant experiment sexually?

Dont see a partner mentioned either - must have missed that in the OP, can you point it out?

wylo

It’s a very very wide spectrum OP. It’s not “gay” or “not gay”.

I naively thought it was until a very close friend of mine came out and began to tell me the stories in the years that followed about the guys he hooked up with. Straight men who don’t mind a bit of man fun from time to time probably due to the excitement/boldness of it, All out and proud gay men, gay men who were keeping it secret even to themselves.

They were all different types, this was tough for me to consider initially, my thoughts were “they must be gay”.

But really it’s a lot looser than that.

I’d go deeper into it more (no pun intended haha) to see how you feel, you might get bored of it or might not, who knows and who cares.

It may very well be the very fact that you feel you’re not allowed enjoy it may be what’s turning you on, that kind of thing.

I find it interesting that is all purely sexual. In terms of feelings of fancying someone, have you ever fancied a man? As in had a crush on one? I think that’s a stronger indicator of someone who is truly gay to be honest.

Xterminator

well making a child on your own is difficult, so hence the 'possibly partner' part.

As for having a child means you can not experiment, i am simply cautioning that in the real world your 15 year old child may not react well to finding out your dad has been having casual sex with another person, and yes, it may be made worse by the fact it is another man. OP could well find some friend and family treat him different if it becomes common knowledge.

.......

Xterminator wrote: »

well making a child on your own is difficult, so hence the 'possibly partner' part.

As for having a child means you can not experiment, i am simply cautioning that in the real world your 15 year old child may not react well to finding out your dad has been having casual sex with another person, and yes, it may be made worse by the fact it is another man. OP could well find some friend and family treat him different if it becomes common knowledge.

He said he was long broken up with the girl he had the child with.

Why on earth would you tell your 15 year old child about ANY casual sex encounter? With any gender?

Why would you be telling anyone in your family at all about your casual sex encounters? Thats just bizarre.

power pants

....... wrote: »

Why would it "make you gay"?

At most it might indicate that the OP is bisexual seeing as he knows he is definitely attracted to women.

Bit regressive to be using terms such as "make you gay" tbh.

Sexuality is a spectrum. Most gay people will have had heterosexual experiences in their youth while they were figuring things out - that doesnt mean we describe them as straight. Many straight people will have had some homosexual experiences at some point too. Doesnt mean they are gay.

Go for it OP, a bit of sexual experimentation wont hurt anyone, so long as its consensual and safe.

I’m happy to be labeled regressive if I think having sex with a man or sucking on their penis makes you gay.

I don’t have for one moment An issue with gays .

Again though I ask genuinely what is the definition of being gay mean then?

It is used in their acronym lgbt

.......

power pants wrote: »

I’m happy to be labeled regressive if I think having sex with a man or sucking on their penis makes you gay.

I don’t have for one moment An issue with gays .

Again though I ask genuinely what is the definition of being gay mean then?

It is used in their acronym lgbt

Actually I said regressive about the term "makes you gay". You cannot be "made" gay. Sexuality is a spectrum and very few people are on the extreme ends of it. Nor can you take a straight person and "make" them gay. You dont get "made" gay by having a sexual encounter with a member of the same sex. I mean seriously? This is quite basic stuff. The attitude you are displaying is very childish.

It shows a very naive outlook on sex and sexuality to think that an odd encounter defines your overall sexual preference. People experiment. How do you even know what you prefer if you dont try alternatives?

power pants

....... wrote: »

Actually I said regressive about the term "makes you gay". You cannot be "made" gay. Sexuality is a spectrum and very few people are on the extreme ends of it. Nor can you take a straight person and "make" them gay. You dont get "made" gay by having a sexual encounter with a member of the same sex. I mean seriously? This is quite basic stuff. The attitude you are displaying is very childish.

It shows a very naive outlook on sex and sexuality to think that an odd encounter defines your overall sexual preference. People experiment. How do you even know what you prefer if you dont try alternatives?

Yes, my wording wasn’t great but I was meaning it deems you gay, you are gay

I honestly don’t need to be with a man to know it’s not for me. The thought alone would turn my stomach personally

I Won’t derail the thread anymore

.......

power pants wrote: »

I honestly don’t need to be with a man to know it’s not for me. The thought alone would turn my stomach personally

But you understand that everyone isnt like you right?

Some people are curious and want to try out other sexual experiences before they decide its not for them.

There is nothing wrong with that, its totally normal.

Neyite

Xterminator wrote: »

well making a child on your own is difficult, so hence the 'possibly partner' part.

He also says they are long broken up.

wrote:

As for having a child means you can not experiment, i am simply cautioning that in the real world your 15 year old child may not react well to finding out your dad has been having casual sex with another person, and yes, it may be made worse by the fact it is another man. OP could well find some friend and family treat him different if it becomes common knowledge.

Teens generally don't react well to the idea of their parents having sex lives at all really. So probably best not to inappropriately overshare in the first place.

seamus

I guess there's always going to be a line between what people might fantasise about and what they might be willing to do. Just because one fantasises about something, doesn't mean they actually want to do it.

And there's always excitement in the taboo.

Coupled with the fact that early sexual experiences are almost always intense. They're a mixture of adrenaline, fear, excitement and lust. These form really powerful and intense memories. And if the experience is positive overall, they're memories you'll come back to to revisit that excitement. Nobody remembers the nights where you humped a dead fish (figuratively speaking).

And just because you enjoyed the night, doesn't necessarily mean you're gay. It was just overall a positive experience.

I'm definitely not gay, but the thought of being with a man doesn't "turn my stomach", certainly not now with a bit of maturity. It is about as sexually appealing to me as doing the ironing. That is, something I could work my way through if I had to, but would derive no pleasure from.

I actually don't know how to advise the OP. It would seem to me that seeking out a casual hookup on some dating app is probably a bit daunting. I dunno, maybe give yourself more freedom to think in this way - instead of just fantasising in your head, maybe look at some gay porn and see how that makes you feel? Being regretful or repulsed, doesn't necessarily mean you don't enjoy it; if you're in your 30s then it would common enough to harbour some latent homophobic feelings from society at the time you were brought up, which taught you that "gay stuff" was gross and wrong.

If you find that gay porn makes you "want" more, then it might be worth looking at taking further steps?

Neyite

There's lots of fantasises that people have that they'd run a mile from in a real life scenario. That's why they are fantasies. Sometimes people want to realise their fantasy, others are happy to keep it in their heads. You won't know until you think about it a bit more.



Are you with someone at the moment? There are lots of hetro couples who enjoy anal play and anal intercourse.



There are toys designed for anal play - solo and for use in a couple so why not pick out one or two you like the look of and take it from there?

LLMMLL

ConfusedGuyMalePerson wrote: »

Hi all.

I’ll try to be as short as possible.

I’m in my mid 30’s.

Back when I was a late teen, my gf was pregnant.
During this time, we were young, and we fooled around with another man. I was very drunk at the time, and have very little memory of the event.

Fast forward 15+ years.

No longer with the woman I had a kid with. (Separated long time ago).

All my life, I have been into women. I still am. I’ve had many girlfriends, some short some long term. I would consider myself straight. I watch straight porn, and love having physical relations with women.

Over the past 5+ years, at completely random times, my mind will wander to that night, and I become confused, turned on by the thought of doing stuff with another man, and I don’t know what to do.
It doesn’t lead me to watch anything different etc. It’s more just a fantasy in my head that I would like to experience something sober.

I guess I’m more wondering if I should just do it, see if I like it.
I don’t believe I’m gay, as I have no interest in kissing a man, nor dating one.
It’s purely down to a physical “lust” for performing oral on a man, and receiving anal pleasure.

I’ve experimented with toys before, and found it fun and interesting.

One other vital piece of info, when these random thoughts do appear, and I masterbait thinking about it, as soon as I’m finished, I feel wrong, weird and the thoughts instantly turn to regret.

Any advice, similar situations, thoughts, help would be great.

I know quite a few people both gay and straight for whom an interest in the sex they weren’t usually into awakened at some point. All early 30s and all still mostly identified as still being gay or straight. So I don’t think you’re the only person out there who’s experienced this.

I guess the question is can you handle experimentation? The experience could be like any sexual experience. You might not have good chemistry, the other person may be an asshole, you might feel inexperienced. It also could be a positive experience. Will you be able to have a sexual experience with another man and assess it relatively objectively the next day?

santana75

ConfusedGuyMalePerson wrote: »

Hi all.

I’ll try to be as short as possible.

I’m in my mid 30’s.

Back when I was a late teen, my gf was pregnant.
During this time, we were young, and we fooled around with another man. I was very drunk at the time, and have very little memory of the event.

Fast forward 15+ years.

No longer with the woman I had a kid with. (Separated long time ago).

All my life, I have been into women. I still am. I’ve had many girlfriends, some short some long term. I would consider myself straight. I watch straight porn, and love having physical relations with women.

Over the past 5+ years, at completely random times, my mind will wander to that night, and I become confused, turned on by the thought of doing stuff with another man, and I don’t know what to do.
It doesn’t lead me to watch anything different etc. It’s more just a fantasy in my head that I would like to experience something sober.

I guess I’m more wondering if I should just do it, see if I like it.
I don’t believe I’m gay, as I have no interest in kissing a man, nor dating one.
It’s purely down to a physical “lust” for performing oral on a man, and receiving anal pleasure.

I’ve experimented with toys before, and found it fun and interesting.

One other vital piece of info, when these random thoughts do appear, and I masterbait thinking about it, as soon as I’m finished, I feel wrong, weird and the thoughts instantly turn to regret.

Any advice, similar situations, thoughts, help would be great.

Just keep in mind something Op. Theres something that happens when you watch porn regularly which can lead perfectly hetrosexual men to start fantasizing about having homosexual relations with other men. I cant remember the term(there is a formal term for such a thing)off the top of my head but its worth considering. It may sound ridiculous even........but why not try giving up porn entirely for months and see what happens. You may find that the fantasies you are having about other men go away completely.

.......

santana75 wrote: »

Theres something that happens when you watch porn regularly which can lead perfectly hetrosexual men to start fantasizing about having homosexual relations with other men. I cant remember the term(there is a formal term for such a thing)off the top of my head but its worth considering.

This sounds like something a priest would tell someone to put them off watching porn.

Source for this strange condition please?

LegacyUser

Hi OP.

Your thread struck a chord with me.

I'd be a similar age to you and separated with a child of same age bracket to you.
The difference is that I am a female.

I have a high sex drive and I'm currently single so that proves problematic but over the years since I haven't been in a long term relationship, I've had a few male flings or fwbs.
I love hetro sex, I love men, I love c*ck.
But...
There is a part of me that fantasises about having female sex.
Interestingly for me this usually depends on the time of the month my cycle is at. I get peaks and troughs in my drives.
On a day when I'm particularly horny, I could watch hetro OR lesbian porn or indeed I could find myself having fantasies about a 3 some with a guy and woman.
For me, the fantasy about the woman, is just that..a fantasy.. I think for me it is because when I watch a woman giving or receiving pleasure, I can relate to those feelings because I am a woman. Also I appreciate the aesthetics of a female body more than the man's bits!
However, I can really resonate where you say about feeling sick at the thoughts after the urge has passed. I think this is your gut talking.
You probably have the desire to explore other elements of sex like anal actions and like was said already, you can do this with a female partner or solo.
I was recently in the company of a very beautiful female of my own age. I have my hunch that she may have been gay although I can't be 100%. She and I got talking briefly and I found her to be really nice. I also had consumed a bit of alcohol.
For devils advocate, in my mind I imagined what it would be like to ask her back to my house (assuming she was gay) and thought for a moment about what could transpire.
And I suddenly felt very sober and clear in my head that while a fantasy is just that, I am 100% heterosexual but can appreciate a pretty woman and get aroused watching 2 women on a porn site.
I'd always say to someone to trust their instict and I think yours speaks very clearly when you talk about potential regret if you went down the experimentation avenue.

Smegging hell

power pants wrote: »

I’m happy to be labeled regressive if I think having sex with a man or sucking on their penis makes you gay.

Not necessarily regressive, just ignorant. It could make one bisexual, or bicurious, etc.

Sexuality is a spectrum, not just two binary choices... check out the Kinsey scale.

wiggle16

Xterminator wrote: »

well making a child on your own is difficult, so hence the 'possibly partner' part.

As for having a child means you can not experiment, i am simply cautioning that in the real world your 15 year old child may not react well to finding out your dad has been having casual sex with another person, and yes, it may be made worse by the fact it is another man. OP could well find some friend and family treat him different if it becomes common knowledge.

Sorry but that's a bit of a reach.

If everyone worred about their family/children/parents finding out about every sexual encounter they have had no one would ever have any fun. There's such a thing as discretion like.

OP if you want to do it, do it. Its the only way you're going to figure it out anyway. You don't need permission and you don't need labels.

Anyway, who better than another bloke to know his way around down there? :P

Happy hunting x

power pants

Smegging hell wrote: »

Not necessarily regressive, just ignorant. It could make one bisexual, or bicurious, etc.

Sexuality is a spectrum, not just two binary choices... check out the Kinsey scale.

Just read Kinsey scale anything that isn’t 0 is heterosexual plus homosexual of various degree

So it is incorrect based on the above for me to say op is completely homosexual and at the same time it is incorrect too then say he is heterosexual

He is heterosexual and homosexual to a level between 1-5 which effectively means bisexual

0 heterosexual
1-5 bisexual
6 homosexual

LegacyUser

Hi, OP here.

Sorry for delay in replying. Lot of great info here! Thank you all for commenting, in particular, ....... and who ever “I'm going anonymous here” is, both of you make excellent points that have really given me re-assurance here.

Just to clarify some things.

1. I am currently single. Definitely not with the ex.
2. None of my family know anything of my personal history. This goes without saying. It’s MY private life. Strange that it is even mentioned 0_o
3. I remember pretty much zero details or emotions from when I had the previous encounter all those years ago.
4. I don’t think anything relates to porn, as it’s not something I do too often. I don’t rely on porn for anything.
5. Never had a crush on a man, nor do I find dating one or having any intimate experience apart from what I mentioned has ever crossed my mind or made me wonder.

I’m going to get my feet wet over the next few days / weeks, and begin talking to people on some sites, such as Grindr and Tinder. Not committing to anything, just to talk to people, and see how things go

Thanks all for the advice.

cloudatlas

Xterminator wrote: »

Sorry Op, has a child and possibly a partner. And yes sexually experimenting can cause havoc with relationships. OP should be very careful about whether he acts on his urges.

If you identify as straight and have sex with another man on a night out that doesn't automatically make you gay. Identify as, sleep with, fantasies about. All three could be different, why are you trying to pigeon hole the o.p. Are you from the past? No he shouldn't be careful about exploring his urges.

Shimbabwe

I think I'm the same as this and spent a long time being unsure of myself. I get the same post masturbation regret too.

I seen a YouTube video once that suggested it is very common for straight men to get turned on by the image of a c*ck because back in tree swinging days many dudes would for whatever reason mate with the same female and getting turned on by another guys erection would mean they we're ready to mate.

Weird yes, but also the basis of the shemale attraction. Which is said to be the result of an 'optical illusion' in the brains of straight men due to the above.

The thought of kissing a guy disgusts me as do all male factors like hairy chest, male body shape etc.

But I would love to suck a cock.

power pants

I’m sure if it was on YouTube it has to be true.....
people justify anything by , back to tree swinging days

Of course you are gay to some extent if you get turned on by someone of the same sex

Bootlegger

Dafuk is going on with on with men today?

Maybe lay off the internet for a bit.

Bootlegger

cloudatlas wrote: »

If you identify as straight and have sex with another man on a night out that doesn't automatically make you gay. Identify as, sleep with, fantasies about. All three could be different, why are you trying to pigeon hole the o.p. Are you from the past? No he shouldn't be careful about exploring his urges.

If a man is sleeping with other men how can he not be a homo?

AndrewJRenko

Bootlegger wrote: »

Dafuk is going on with on with men today?

Maybe lay off the internet for a bit.

Mad isn't it? People going off and doing whatever they want sexually, without worrying about what the world thinks. Where will it all end?

Shimbabwe

power pants wrote: »

I’m sure if it was on YouTube it has to be true.....
people justify anything by , back to tree swinging days

Of course you are gay to some extent if you get turned on by someone of the same sex

I guess so. I've been thinking I am gay to an 'extent'. I can't watch gay porn though. I think of it more as an anomaly, a fetish or a weirdness. Im not sure if I would even do anything if I was presented the opportunity tbh.

It doesn't matter though cos....it doesn't matter

cloudatlas

Bootlegger wrote: »

If a man is sleeping with other men how can he not be a homo?

Er they might be experimenting and decide it's not for them and they want to continue identifying as straight. Oh and it's 'gay' not 'homo'.

Shimbabwe

I think people who argue that you're either gay or not gay and there's no spectrum are homophobic. They just want to slot people into 'hate' or 'dont hate'

power pants

Shimbabwe wrote: »

I think people who argue that you're either gay or not gay and there's no spectrum are homophobic. They just want to slot people into 'hate' or 'dont hate'

Bit of a chip on your shoulder? Who has said anything about hate? I don’t hate gays just because I believe if you have sex with someone of the same sex you are gay.

.......

power pants wrote: »

Bit of a chip on your shoulder? Who has said anything about hate? I don’t hate gays just because I believe if you have sex with someone of the same sex you are gay.

By that logic if you have sex with someone of the opposite sex you are straight.

So the OP is clearly straight as he has had sex with many women. By your logic.

GingerLily

....... wrote: »

By that logic if you have sex with someone of the opposite sex you are straight.

So the OP is clearly straight as he has had sex with many women. By your logic.

Exactly!

What is the point of these labels anyway?

The idea that sexuality is strictly binary is very out dated - we've moved since then.

power pants

power pants wrote: »

Just read Kinsey scale anything that isn’t 0 is heterosexual plus homosexual of various degree

So it is incorrect based on the above for me to say op is completely homosexual and at the same time it is incorrect too then say he is heterosexual

He is heterosexual and homosexual to a level between 1-5 which effectively means bisexual

0 heterosexual
1-5 bisexual
6 homosexual

This is what I concluded

If we have all moved from labels

Why is there a lgbt society and movement ?

Neyite

Mod:
Back on topic - advice to the OP rather than back and forth debate please.

Shimbabwe

power pants wrote: »

Bit of a chip on your shoulder? Who has said anything about hate? I don’t hate gays just because I believe if you have sex with someone of the same sex you are gay.

You're arguing so hard it's clearly you with the chip on your shoulder.

Anyway back to the OP. I would wonder if its more fetish than full on sexuality difference. If you don't want to a actually kiss men but you want to kiss women then I think you're closer to straight and any slight desire for something is probably magnified by the fact it's so naughty and taboo.

power pants

Shimbabwe wrote: »

You're arguing so hard it's clearly you with the chip on your shoulder.

Anyway back to the OP. I would wonder if its more fetish than full on sexuality difference. If you don't want to a actually kiss men but you want to kiss women then I think you're closer to straight and any slight desire for something is probably magnified by the fact it's so naughty and taboo.

Ok to label someone straight but cant label anyone gay as it’s outdated ?

How does that work?

Neyite

Neyite wrote: »

Mod:
Back on topic - advice to the OP rather than back and forth debate please.

power pants wrote: »

Ok to label someone straight but cant label anyone gay as it’s outdated ?

How does that work?

Mod:
Hi Power pants - you may have missed the mod note upthread. Please stick to giving advice to the Op on his issue rather than debating back and forth with another poster.