Canceling plans

LegacyUser

Hi all I just need an outside perspective on something. Friends with a guy for two years, dating for 5 months. His birthday is coming up and we had discussed going away for it, he didn’t want to go on his actual birthday (Friday) because he’s going out with his friends so I’ve booked the hotel, dinner etc for the Saturday night. So now he texts that his parents mentioned they might want to go for a birthday drink with him so he told me to cancel everything that we might do dinner or something the Sunday night. I said straight out that I was disappointed and annoyed about canceling and was told his parents come first no matter what and plans with them over ride any plans with me. Am I unreasonable for being upset?

dudara

I wouldn’t consider it unreasonable to put his parents off until Sunday night and go away with you on Saturday. So I could assume that you’re just not that important to him yet?

khaldrogo

Not in my opinion. But then I'm not overly close with my family.

I'm sure if he explained to his parents what you had planned they would understand

iamwhoiam

No I don't think you are unreasonable . I too would be annoyed as your plans were arranged first . As a parent of three adults I would always tell mine their partners come first in a case like this . Why would a parent insist on a drink with an adult son if he had other arrangements ?

stargazer 68

iamwhoiam wrote: »

Why would a parent insist on a drink with an adult son if he had other arrangements ?

They probably don't know. He said they 'may' want to go for a drink and to cancel what she had booked. They might do dinner on Sunday and his parents plans come first over hers!! Sorry op I would be reexamining this relationship.

woodchuck

I'd be annoyed too. I'm not sure if I would've said anything tbh because it's a birthday, but fair play to you. His response is worrying: "was told his parents come first no matter what and plans with them over ride any plans with me".

I know you guys are only going out 5 months, but even still... surely he could've told his parents he already had plans for Saturday night and would meet up another day. How is his relationship with them generally? Maybe he actually has a poor relationship with them and is afraid to say no?

Personally I wouldn't be happy though knowing that any plans you have as a couple could be cancelled based on a phone call from his parents.

iamwhoiam

Dovies wrote: »

They probably don't know. He said they 'may' want to go for a drink and to cancel what she had booked. They might do dinner on Sunday and his parents plans come first over hers!! Sorry op I would be reexamining this relationship.

Thats true , maybe the parents only mentioned it in passing and the son is now putting them first in his own head
Yep , I too would question this decision if I am honest OP

LegacyUser

Thanks for all the replies, he cannot understand why I’m upset, his said life happens and plans get changed and that he’s going out with his parents and that’s final, I’m just taken aback that he can’t understand my point of view just keeps saying his parents come first and he doesn’t know what the big deal is

dudara

How is the relationship otherwise? Are you still in a casual / early days phase, or are you progressing towards serious?

Have you met his parents / family / friends yet?

LegacyUser

dudara wrote: »

How is the relationship otherwise? Are you still in a casual / early days phase, or are you progressing towards serious?

Have you met his parents / family / friends yet?

I thought it was progressing well, over the last few weeks he’s started introducing me to more of his friends, he’s met some of mine and we’d spoken about going to some upcoming weddings together, booking holidays etc. we’ve talked a lot about the future and what we want from it with regards to marriage/ kids etc. he has canceled plans a couple of times over the past few months but nothing like this, it was meant to be our first proper weekend away.

iamwhoiam

Perspective needed wrote: »

Thanks for all the replies, he cannot understand why I’m upset, his said life happens and plans get changed and that he’s going out with his parents and that’s final, I’m just taken aback that he can’t understand my point of view just keeps saying his parents come first and he doesn’t know what the big deal is

I think you might need a sit down chat about where you stand . He sounds very over bearing in his insistence. The big deal is that your plans were arranged first and yet he can brush you aside for his parents

KrustyUCC

He clearly does not value your relationship

Firstly on his actual birthday on the Friday why wouldn't you be invited out?

He gets you to cancel the hotel/dinner for the vague reason that that his parents mentioned they might want to go for a birthday drink with him and then is very wishy washy that ye might do dinner or something the Sunday night

Then he can't get the big deal that his parents come first. Sounds like nothing will change his opinion there

Life does happen and plans do get changed but he has choosen to change your plans to suit his parents. He def couldhave done it the other way round if he had wanted.

Seems like he is picking a fight possibly in the hopes that you break up with him

LegacyUser

dudara wrote: »

How is the relationship otherwise? Are you still in a casual / early days phase, or are you progressing towards serious?

Have you met his parents / family / friends yet?

I’ve met a few of his friends, I know some of his family from school but I haven’t met his parents yet. I thought it was progressing well, over the past few weeks we’d talked about the future and what we wanted with regards to marriage kids etc. we had a conversation about him keeping some things at my place and us getting a dog together etc. his birthday was meant to be our first weekend away together, and as he just said in a text it seems like it meant more to me than it did to him

Big Bag of Chips

Do his parents even know you're going out together? If he hasn't told them, then it's slightly understandable why he can't tell them he's not around on the Saturday.

I'd say this is a case of his parents not having a clue that there are any other plans in place, and suggested, in a throwaway remark "sure we might go out for a few drinks on Saturday".

His attitude that his parents always come first is quite immature, and sounds like someone with not very much relationship experience.

Mokuba

Bizarre behaviour from him.

Cancel a night away because he wants to go for a pint with his parents. Seriously?

Red flag alert.

buried

This guy sounds like he's 10 years old. Fair enough, he wants to spend time with his parents or whatever, could he not do it earlier that day or do it on the actual birthday or whatever? This is very odd behaviour. Fair play to you going to the effort to do something for him, if he can't appreciate it... I dunno, I wouldn't take that nonsense. Theres other people out there that would give their right arm for somebody to do something like that for them on ther birthday. Sounds like a selfish brat. Put up with brat behaviour like that, it will only get worse. Sorry OP

mr_edge_to_you

Ye, I don’t understand his reaction. I get on great with my parents and I’m married now but back in courting days if there was an offer of a night away with my girlfriend I would’ve declined the parents request/invite without a second thought.

Mr. Incognito

Why bother cancelling. You were going to be paying anyway.

I'd tell him no bother, enjoy the Friday and tell him you are going away on the Saturday and he can enjoy his birthday with his mates and his parents and you will see him Sunday.

The path of least resistence is not to have a fight and put yourself between him and his parents but to stick to the plan and let him off.

ligerdub

Without being too harsh on this.....it is HIS birthday. If he decides he wants to spend the whole weekend with the boys or his parents that's really his call.

Your relationship is still in the early stages, and despite the comments on here relating to what the right thing for him to have done, you're only basing that on what your (the commenters) preferences are. Maybe he is very close to his family, I don't think it's a particularly unreasonable preference to how he spends his birthday.....yet.

Having said all that you have spoken about this weekend before and made some plan, which probably involved a lot of effort on your part. It's quite disrespectful on his part to just swipe that away on a whim. If he was willing to change plans on "maybe" going for drinks with his family then he should have spoken up earlier. At least he should have sounded out his family....it doesn't even sound like that's written in stone either.

It is possible he's being cautious here and that talking about getting a dog and marriage plans 5 months in is pulling him back a bit. I wonder how many of those conversations were initiated by him.

To be fair to the guy slowly slowly catchy monkey. I'd say put it down to experience, but sooner rather than later there needs to be a wider acknowledgement within both of your circles (i.e. onus on him) that you are a couple. The last thing you want to do is give him a reason for resentment on his birthday weekend, even if his behaviour was inconsiderate.

In my opinion it's a yellow card for him but not a red one. Park it for a discussion after his birthday and make it clear that you need to respect each other and that includes communication, sticking to plans/deals and recognising each other as part of the others life. That happens 5 months in, but not next years birthday.

If he can't do that then don't waste your time any longer.

LegacyUser

Well he dumped me by text while I was at work

LegacyUser

ligerdub wrote: »

It is possible he's being cautious here and that talking about getting a dog and marriage plans 5 months in is pulling him back a bit. I wonder how many of those conversations were initiated by him.

To be fair to the guy slowly slowly catchy monkey. I'd say put it down to experience, but sooner rather than later there needs to be a wider acknowledgement within both of your circles (i.e. onus on him) that you are a couple. The last thing you want to do is give him a reason for resentment on his birthday weekend, even if his behaviour was inconsiderate.

In my opinion it's a yellow card for him but not a red one. Park it for a discussion after his birthday and make it clear that you need to respect each other and that includes communication, sticking to plans/deals and recognising each other as part of the others life. That happens 5 months in, but not next years birthday.

If he can't do that then don't waste your time any longer.

Thanks for your reply, the marriage and dog conversations were initiated by him, I’m moving into a new place in 2 weeks and he had started referring to a lot stuff for there as ours. To be honest he’s 35 years old I expected him to have enough empathy to realise that I would be put out with him for changing our plans. But to him I was totally in the wrong, I ended up apologizing to him. At the end of the day it’s for nothing as he ended it by text while I was at work. Part of me wonders and hopes it was a knee jerk reaction to this whole situation and that there’s hope we can work it out. I don’t know if he planned to do it as just last night we were discussing holiday plans and this morning he asked to put stuff on my credit card which I did

Sardonicat

He sounds like bad news. Talking about marriage one week but brushing off a booked weekend away for "possible " drinks with his parents the next.

Getting you to pay for his stuff with your credit card then dumps you by text the same day!

OP, this guy is messing with your head. Get reimbursed for for the CC spend and cut all contact. Red flags all over the place here. You've dodged a bullet.

Purple Mountain

Perspective needed wrote: »

Well he dumped me by text while I was at work

Don't even waste your tears over him.
He's a sad excuse for a man.

wirelessdude01

Perspective needed wrote:

Well he dumped me by text while I was at work

Wonder had he planned this or was it a reaction to him perceiving you to being over bearing?

wirelessdude01

Sardonicat wrote:

OP, this guy is messing with your head. Get reimbursed for for the CC spend and cut all contact. Red flags all over the place here. You've dodged a bullet.

This one million percent. You'd have to wonder what is wrong with him to be acting like a toddler at 35 years of age.

bottlebrush

Perspective needed wrote: »

Thanks for your reply, the marriage and dog conversations were initiated by him, I’m moving into a new place in 2 weeks and he had started referring to a lot stuff for there as ours. To be honest he’s 35 years old I expected him to have enough empathy to realise that I would be put out with him for changing our plans. But to him I was totally in the wrong, I ended up apologizing to him. At the end of the day it’s for nothing as he ended it by text while I was at work. Part of me wonders and hopes it was a knee jerk reaction to this whole situation and that there’s hope we can work it out. I don’t know if he planned to do it as just last night we were discussing holiday plans and this morning he asked to put stuff on my credit card which I did

He's a user and please don't entertain any hope of working it out. Sounds like he was sweetening you up with holiday plans to lull you into false sense of security by getting you to put stuff on your credit card
Expecting you not to be put out over cancelling an arranged weekend in favour of something he might do with his parents and you say he cancelled things before. And dumping you by text.
Is there anything redeeming about this guy? Well I can think of one thing - he's done you a great favour but ending it. Don't put up with this rubbish op - plenty of nice guys out there just waiting to be met!
Good luck op.

ligerdub

Perspective needed wrote:

Thanks for your reply, the marriage and dog conversations were initiated by him, I’m moving into a new place in 2 weeks and he had started referring to a lot stuff for there as ours. To be honest he’s 35 years old I expected him to have enough empathy to realise that I would be put out with him for changing our plans. But to him I was totally in the wrong, I ended up apologizing to him. At the end of the day it’s for nothing as he ended it by text while I was at work. Part of me wonders and hopes it was a knee jerk reaction to this whole situation and that there’s hope we can work it out. I don’t know if he planned to do it as just last night we were discussing holiday plans and this morning he asked to put stuff on my credit card which I did

Sorry to hear of your predicament. I unfairly assumed you initiated these conversations.

Without knowing both sides of this story it's hard to know for sure. You do seem like a very nice person though and it seems a shame that you're not getting back the same respect and consideration you're putting in.

There are a lot more red flags in that last post and to be honest he's taking the piss. Putting stuff on your credit card and then dumping you by text on the same day. Sounds like a right prick if you ask me.

One thing I'd consider here. Have a read over this thread again and pretend like you're not the person who started the thread, consider it's a total stranger. What would you think then? What's the upside from continuing this relationship that you couldn't easily replicate with a different boyfriend?

Sardonicat

wirelessdude01 wrote: »

Sardonicat wrote:

OP, this guy is messing with your head. Get reimbursed for for the CC spend and cut all contact. Red flags all over the place here. You've dodged a bullet.

This one million percent. You'd have to wonder what is wrong with him to be acting like a toddler at 35 years of age.

I think he's "negging" her. Not toddler like at all but very manipulative and sinister. OP needs to run.

Batgurl

What did you put on the credit card?

Can you cancel it? That would be my first port of call.

Oink

Perspective needed wrote: »

Well he dumped me by text while I was at work

Take that opportunity and run.
It hurts, but imagine if he was still treating you like that in 5 years’ time.
Block him and whatnot, and thank your lucky stars for the early warning.

LegacyUser

Batgurl wrote: »

What did you put on the credit card?

Can you cancel it? That would be my first port of call.

It was an online subscription, I paid upfront so and it’s been activated can’t cancel. I might try and log in and see can I change the password. I just want to talk things through with him, I can’t understand how things changed so quickly, but he won’t answer the phobe

wiggle16

Not trying to upset you OP... but he cancelled a night away with you (and all that that entails, hint hint) to go for a drink... with his parents?

Nah.

There's something more to it than simply putting them first. I'd want to know what it is if I were you.

jen70

Hope your ok op! Very poor way to treat someone, he sounds very selfish and immature! Take care

wiggle16

Perspective needed wrote: »

Well he dumped me by text while I was at work

I did not see this!

Sorry to hear that OP. Over text as well, FFS.

iamwhoiam

OP . Sorry this is happening you but you got a lucky break . Run a mile from this toxic manipulation

rainbowtrout

Perspective needed wrote: »

Thanks for your reply, the marriage and dog conversations were initiated by him, I’m moving into a new place in 2 weeks and he had started referring to a lot stuff for there as ours. To be honest he’s 35 years old I expected him to have enough empathy to realise that I would be put out with him for changing our plans. But to him I was totally in the wrong, I ended up apologizing to him. At the end of the day it’s for nothing as he ended it by text while I was at work. Part of me wonders and hopes it was a knee jerk reaction to this whole situation and that there’s hope we can work it out. I don’t know if he planned to do it as just last night we were discussing holiday plans and this morning he asked to put stuff on my credit card which I did

Why would you want to work it out with someone who treats you so poorly?

whiskeyman

Perspective needed wrote: »

Well he dumped me by text while I was at work

Unreal!!
You had a lucky escape and just as well it didnt last longer.
You sound so kind and thoughtful organising the night away.
You deserve so much better.
Hope you're ok x

Flippyfloppy

Most subscriptions would have a 14 day cooling off period, I would definitely cancel,

rainbowtrout

Perspective needed wrote: »

It was an online subscription, I paid upfront so and it’s been activated can’t cancel. I might try and log in and see can I change the password. I just want to talk things through with him, I can’t understand how things changed so quickly, but he won’t answer the phobe

Change the password if you can and cancel the subscription if you can. Obviously you are ringing him if he won't answer the phone. Don't grovel, he's not worth it. He's dumped you by text which isn't nice anyway, and he's conned you out of what is presumably an annual subscription, because if it was monthly you would be able to cancel, and perhaps only lose the first month.


It is hard but look at the facts, he cancelled a night away with you that was booked and planned on a flimsy excuse that he 'might' be going for a drink with his parents, but he 'might' meet you on the sunday instead. He weaseled his way out of that last night with you with talk of holiday plans, and sweetened you up enough to pay for a subscription for him, subscription would no doubt suggest that he was sticking around with you, but the benefit to him was to squeeze some money out of you for the last time..... and dumps you today by text and won't answer his phone. Forget him OP, you deserve better.

Ursus Horribilis

OP, where is your self-respect? Are you really so desperate to be with him that you're willing to become a doormat?

He has shown you repeatedly how little he really thinks of you. Firstly, he decided that he wanted to celebrate his birthday with his friends rather than you. Depending on one's point of view, that is or isn't a red flag.

Then, after knowing that you're going for a night away in a hotel etc. he throws it all back in your face because he wants to go for a birthday drink with his parents.

Then he dumps his girlfriend of 5 months by text. That's a sh*tty, cowardly way to end a relationship and you should treat it with the contempt it deserves.

He is telling you through his deeds that he thinks very little of you. He can say all sorts of sweet words because talk is cheap. When it came to actions, he fell sadly short. He has told you who he is. DO NOT even think about trying to get back with him. If he was any way decent at all he would not have treated you like this. And of course, if you are stupid enough to get back with him you'll be so afraid to put a foot wrong you'll turn into an utter doormat. Stay broken up and cancel that subscription.

buried

I know it doesn't seem like it now OP, but in a few months time you be glad this happened. This article is serious bad news, not being straight with you whatsoever, lame excuses, probable lies, by my reckoning a complete and total gaslighting waster. Do not contact this person. Take the advantage and clean break it. It will be hard at first, these sorts of articles are devious head wreckers, but do not allow your head to be wrecked by them any further. Look after yourself OP, you sound like a really decent straight up person, the likes of this prat doesn't deserve you making any more time for them, not even a second. Run like the wind away from this yoke

Purple Mountain

The bit I can't get over is that the two of you were friends for 2 years before this!
That adds insult to injury that not only would he treat a girlfriend like that but a friend too.
Do not ring this muppet.
Cancel the subscription, then cancel him from all forms of contact.
Seriously.

LegacyUser

Thank you again for all your replies, I text him earlier that if he cared about me at all that he’d explain to me what was going on in his head and what had changed. He read it 2 hours ago and no reply. I know it may seem like I’m s doormat but I need answers, we’ve been friends for two years before this, we’ve been there for each other in good times and bad, both single and in relationships and that’s why it hurts so badly. I never thought he would treat me like this:(

Sardonicat

Perspective needed wrote: »

Thank you again for all your replies, I text him earlier that if he cared about me at all that he’d explain to me what was going on in his head and what had changed. He read it 2 hours ago and no reply. I know it may seem like I’m s doormat but I need answers, we’ve been friends for two years before this, we’ve been there for each other in good times and bad, both single and in relationships and that’s why it hurts so badly. I never thought he would treat me like this:(

OP you've got your answer: screw you for money then dump you by text. Your answer is that he doesnt think you are worthy of respect. Take a closer look at your relationship; I bet this isn't truly out of character. Did he build you up and knock you back a lot? Have you questioning yourself and second guessing how to be around him? Has he been subtly working on you for a while? Be honest with yourself and don't view your relationship through rose tinted glasses.

STOP contacting him. When you cancel the subscription/ change the log in details of the service he conned you into paying for you'll hear from him quick enough except you must not respond.

I think you should consider counselling to examine why you would actively pursue someone who has such palpable disrespect for you. I'm guessing this guy has done a number on you.

Please block him and seek support from friends and a professional.

rainbowtrout

Perspective needed wrote: »

Thank you again for all your replies, I text him earlier that if he cared about me at all that he’d explain to me what was going on in his head and what had changed. He read it 2 hours ago and no reply. I know it may seem like I’m s doormat but I need answers, we’ve been friends for two years before this, we’ve been there for each other in good times and bad, both single and in relationships and that’s why it hurts so badly. I never thought he would treat me like this:(

Life is not a Hollywood movie where the guy will come to his senses and call round and be civil and explain why it's not working, and then walk away and realise he's made a mistake and coming running back with an apology.

Sometimes you don't get answers. He's actually given you an answer. He has told you through his actions that he doesn't respect you. He dumped you in a cowardly way and is now ignoring you. And your string of calls and texts is only telling him that he could continue to treat you that way if he wanted because you would take him back once he gave you any throwaway excuse.

he has canceled plans a couple of times over the past few months but nothing like this

You posted this in one of your follow up posts earlier today. The pattern may have already been there, you just didn't see it, until a plan (the night away) with bigger repercussions was cancelled.

hobie21

He probably does not want to go away for 'his' birthday. Was it your idea? Did he just go along with your idea to try and keep you happy.

LegacyUser

hobie21 wrote: »

He probably does not want to go away for 'his' birthday. Was it your idea? Did he just go along with your idea to try and keep you happy.

The original plan was for us to spend the weekend in my new place however there’s been a delay and I can’t move in until 2 weeks later than originally planned. I initially suggested the night away and he seemed delighted and suggested where he’d like to go

Ursus Horribilis

Ah yes, answers... I'd bet the farm that you're never going to get anything remotely like an honest answer from him. If he replies at all, either he'll give you some sort of wishy washy claptrap or he'll say very hurtful things to you in the hope that you go away.

It looks like he wasn't as invested in the relationship as you were. That's the only answer you need, I'm afraid. Sometimes relationships break up in a messy fashion and this looks like one of them. In an ideal world he would have come to you and said he wasn't feeling it and that he wanted to end it. The reality seems to be that he was too cowardly to tell you out straight and instead settled for the "I hope she gets the hint and goes away" approach. I'm sorry this went tits up on you, especially as he had been your friend before this. But you've got to keep some dignity here and don't come grovelling to him. You'll be glad you didn't do so in a few months time

leggo

A stab in the dark...but is this guy a drinker by any chance OP? As soon as I read the parents line, it stank of BS to be honest. And this behaviour is a classic sign of how drinkers can treat their partners: behaving like children despite being fully grown adults, incapable of having an adult relationship with their priorities straight, charming and full of promises, but then the second a chance to drink comes along they drop everything for that (yes including relationships because they make them accountable and they hate that, and dumping is a classic manipulative move because it’s so shocking that when they come back you don’t ask too many awkward questions they don’t want to answer), damn the consequences. I’d question if the parents line is even true or if he just saw an opportunity to binge with the lads. I could be wrong it just has all the hallmarks.

Either way, you’re well rid. If you settle for less OP, you’ll always get it. You deserve better but you have to believe that or people will try treat you worse. He may come back when this blows over saying everything you want to hear, but that’s manipulation too. Take this as a gift and use the weekend away (if it’s impossible to get a refund) to head by yourself or with a mate and get your head clear after having to put up with this treatment.

LegacyUser

leggo wrote: »

A stab in the dark...but is this guy a drinker by any chance OP? As soon as I read the parents line, it stank of BS to be honest..

he is a bit of a drinker and would go for a few pints a couple of nights a week, it never seemed like a major issue.He did go on a binge last Saturday night and was so hungover he didn’t leave the house until Monday evening which meant our plans for the bank holiday were canceled. Looking back he’s been very down and a bit cool since then. He has text this morning and is just cold and detached, said his mind is made up, doesn’t want to talk things through

leggo

We may have hit the nail on the head there so. Often drinkers are very used to themselves and are quite good at covering their tracks so new partners can feel like they're being crazy or paranoid. A 35-year old man going on a two-day binge then having to cancel their plans with a partner as a result isn't a good sign. Normal people of that age can just have a few pints with their mates and don't have to let everyone else down because they don't completely submit their lives to alcohol.

Trust me, OP, you may have dodged a bullet here. Even if your emotions take a while to catch up, do yourself a favour and put as much distance between yourself and this guy as possible (i.e. block him on all mediums) now so, if he does want to come back cap in hand, you don't have to deal with years of this behaviour and treatment. Don't end up having this confirmed to you when it's too late and you wind up pregnant or having bought a house with them and it's too late. The warning signs are there, I was even able to see them from your OP.