Canceling plans

LegacyUser

Hi all I just need an outside perspective on something. Friends with a guy for two years, dating for 5 months. His birthday is coming up and we had discussed going away for it, he didn’t want to go on his actual birthday (Friday) because he’s going out with his friends so I’ve booked the hotel, dinner etc for the Saturday night. So now he texts that his parents mentioned they might want to go for a birthday drink with him so he told me to cancel everything that we might do dinner or something the Sunday night. I said straight out that I was disappointed and annoyed about canceling and was told his parents come first no matter what and plans with them over ride any plans with me. Am I unreasonable for being upset?

dudara

I wouldn’t consider it unreasonable to put his parents off until Sunday night and go away with you on Saturday. So I could assume that you’re just not that important to him yet?

khaldrogo

Not in my opinion. But then I'm not overly close with my family.

I'm sure if he explained to his parents what you had planned they would understand

iamwhoiam

No I don't think you are unreasonable . I too would be annoyed as your plans were arranged first . As a parent of three adults I would always tell mine their partners come first in a case like this . Why would a parent insist on a drink with an adult son if he had other arrangements ?

stargazer 68

iamwhoiam wrote: »

Why would a parent insist on a drink with an adult son if he had other arrangements ?

They probably don't know. He said they 'may' want to go for a drink and to cancel what she had booked. They might do dinner on Sunday and his parents plans come first over hers!! Sorry op I would be reexamining this relationship.

woodchuck

I'd be annoyed too. I'm not sure if I would've said anything tbh because it's a birthday, but fair play to you. His response is worrying: "was told his parents come first no matter what and plans with them over ride any plans with me".

I know you guys are only going out 5 months, but even still... surely he could've told his parents he already had plans for Saturday night and would meet up another day. How is his relationship with them generally? Maybe he actually has a poor relationship with them and is afraid to say no?

Personally I wouldn't be happy though knowing that any plans you have as a couple could be cancelled based on a phone call from his parents.

iamwhoiam

Dovies wrote: »

They probably don't know. He said they 'may' want to go for a drink and to cancel what she had booked. They might do dinner on Sunday and his parents plans come first over hers!! Sorry op I would be reexamining this relationship.

Thats true , maybe the parents only mentioned it in passing and the son is now putting them first in his own head
Yep , I too would question this decision if I am honest OP

LegacyUser

Thanks for all the replies, he cannot understand why I’m upset, his said life happens and plans get changed and that he’s going out with his parents and that’s final, I’m just taken aback that he can’t understand my point of view just keeps saying his parents come first and he doesn’t know what the big deal is

dudara

How is the relationship otherwise? Are you still in a casual / early days phase, or are you progressing towards serious?

Have you met his parents / family / friends yet?

LegacyUser

dudara wrote: »

How is the relationship otherwise? Are you still in a casual / early days phase, or are you progressing towards serious?

Have you met his parents / family / friends yet?

I thought it was progressing well, over the last few weeks he’s started introducing me to more of his friends, he’s met some of mine and we’d spoken about going to some upcoming weddings together, booking holidays etc. we’ve talked a lot about the future and what we want from it with regards to marriage/ kids etc. he has canceled plans a couple of times over the past few months but nothing like this, it was meant to be our first proper weekend away.

iamwhoiam

Perspective needed wrote: »

Thanks for all the replies, he cannot understand why I’m upset, his said life happens and plans get changed and that he’s going out with his parents and that’s final, I’m just taken aback that he can’t understand my point of view just keeps saying his parents come first and he doesn’t know what the big deal is

I think you might need a sit down chat about where you stand . He sounds very over bearing in his insistence. The big deal is that your plans were arranged first and yet he can brush you aside for his parents

KrustyUCC

He clearly does not value your relationship

Firstly on his actual birthday on the Friday why wouldn't you be invited out?

He gets you to cancel the hotel/dinner for the vague reason that that his parents mentioned they might want to go for a birthday drink with him and then is very wishy washy that ye might do dinner or something the Sunday night

Then he can't get the big deal that his parents come first. Sounds like nothing will change his opinion there

Life does happen and plans do get changed but he has choosen to change your plans to suit his parents. He def couldhave done it the other way round if he had wanted.

Seems like he is picking a fight possibly in the hopes that you break up with him

LegacyUser

dudara wrote: »

How is the relationship otherwise? Are you still in a casual / early days phase, or are you progressing towards serious?

Have you met his parents / family / friends yet?

I’ve met a few of his friends, I know some of his family from school but I haven’t met his parents yet. I thought it was progressing well, over the past few weeks we’d talked about the future and what we wanted with regards to marriage kids etc. we had a conversation about him keeping some things at my place and us getting a dog together etc. his birthday was meant to be our first weekend away together, and as he just said in a text it seems like it meant more to me than it did to him

Big Bag of Chips

Do his parents even know you're going out together? If he hasn't told them, then it's slightly understandable why he can't tell them he's not around on the Saturday.

I'd say this is a case of his parents not having a clue that there are any other plans in place, and suggested, in a throwaway remark "sure we might go out for a few drinks on Saturday".

His attitude that his parents always come first is quite immature, and sounds like someone with not very much relationship experience.

Mokuba

Bizarre behaviour from him.

Cancel a night away because he wants to go for a pint with his parents. Seriously?

Red flag alert.

buried

This guy sounds like he's 10 years old. Fair enough, he wants to spend time with his parents or whatever, could he not do it earlier that day or do it on the actual birthday or whatever? This is very odd behaviour. Fair play to you going to the effort to do something for him, if he can't appreciate it... I dunno, I wouldn't take that nonsense. Theres other people out there that would give their right arm for somebody to do something like that for them on ther birthday. Sounds like a selfish brat. Put up with brat behaviour like that, it will only get worse. Sorry OP

mr_edge_to_you

Ye, I don’t understand his reaction. I get on great with my parents and I’m married now but back in courting days if there was an offer of a night away with my girlfriend I would’ve declined the parents request/invite without a second thought.

Mr. Incognito

Why bother cancelling. You were going to be paying anyway.

I'd tell him no bother, enjoy the Friday and tell him you are going away on the Saturday and he can enjoy his birthday with his mates and his parents and you will see him Sunday.

The path of least resistence is not to have a fight and put yourself between him and his parents but to stick to the plan and let him off.

ligerdub

Without being too harsh on this.....it is HIS birthday. If he decides he wants to spend the whole weekend with the boys or his parents that's really his call.

Your relationship is still in the early stages, and despite the comments on here relating to what the right thing for him to have done, you're only basing that on what your (the commenters) preferences are. Maybe he is very close to his family, I don't think it's a particularly unreasonable preference to how he spends his birthday.....yet.

Having said all that you have spoken about this weekend before and made some plan, which probably involved a lot of effort on your part. It's quite disrespectful on his part to just swipe that away on a whim. If he was willing to change plans on "maybe" going for drinks with his family then he should have spoken up earlier. At least he should have sounded out his family....it doesn't even sound like that's written in stone either.

It is possible he's being cautious here and that talking about getting a dog and marriage plans 5 months in is pulling him back a bit. I wonder how many of those conversations were initiated by him.

To be fair to the guy slowly slowly catchy monkey. I'd say put it down to experience, but sooner rather than later there needs to be a wider acknowledgement within both of your circles (i.e. onus on him) that you are a couple. The last thing you want to do is give him a reason for resentment on his birthday weekend, even if his behaviour was inconsiderate.

In my opinion it's a yellow card for him but not a red one. Park it for a discussion after his birthday and make it clear that you need to respect each other and that includes communication, sticking to plans/deals and recognising each other as part of the others life. That happens 5 months in, but not next years birthday.

If he can't do that then don't waste your time any longer.

LegacyUser

Well he dumped me by text while I was at work

LegacyUser

ligerdub wrote: »

It is possible he's being cautious here and that talking about getting a dog and marriage plans 5 months in is pulling him back a bit. I wonder how many of those conversations were initiated by him.

To be fair to the guy slowly slowly catchy monkey. I'd say put it down to experience, but sooner rather than later there needs to be a wider acknowledgement within both of your circles (i.e. onus on him) that you are a couple. The last thing you want to do is give him a reason for resentment on his birthday weekend, even if his behaviour was inconsiderate.

In my opinion it's a yellow card for him but not a red one. Park it for a discussion after his birthday and make it clear that you need to respect each other and that includes communication, sticking to plans/deals and recognising each other as part of the others life. That happens 5 months in, but not next years birthday.

If he can't do that then don't waste your time any longer.

Thanks for your reply, the marriage and dog conversations were initiated by him, I’m moving into a new place in 2 weeks and he had started referring to a lot stuff for there as ours. To be honest he’s 35 years old I expected him to have enough empathy to realise that I would be put out with him for changing our plans. But to him I was totally in the wrong, I ended up apologizing to him. At the end of the day it’s for nothing as he ended it by text while I was at work. Part of me wonders and hopes it was a knee jerk reaction to this whole situation and that there’s hope we can work it out. I don’t know if he planned to do it as just last night we were discussing holiday plans and this morning he asked to put stuff on my credit card which I did

Sardonicat

He sounds like bad news. Talking about marriage one week but brushing off a booked weekend away for "possible " drinks with his parents the next.

Getting you to pay for his stuff with your credit card then dumps you by text the same day!

OP, this guy is messing with your head. Get reimbursed for for the CC spend and cut all contact. Red flags all over the place here. You've dodged a bullet.

Purple Mountain

Perspective needed wrote: »

Well he dumped me by text while I was at work

Don't even waste your tears over him.
He's a sad excuse for a man.

wirelessdude01

Perspective needed wrote:

Well he dumped me by text while I was at work

Wonder had he planned this or was it a reaction to him perceiving you to being over bearing?

wirelessdude01

Sardonicat wrote:

OP, this guy is messing with your head. Get reimbursed for for the CC spend and cut all contact. Red flags all over the place here. You've dodged a bullet.

This one million percent. You'd have to wonder what is wrong with him to be acting like a toddler at 35 years of age.

bottlebrush

Perspective needed wrote: »

Thanks for your reply, the marriage and dog conversations were initiated by him, I’m moving into a new place in 2 weeks and he had started referring to a lot stuff for there as ours. To be honest he’s 35 years old I expected him to have enough empathy to realise that I would be put out with him for changing our plans. But to him I was totally in the wrong, I ended up apologizing to him. At the end of the day it’s for nothing as he ended it by text while I was at work. Part of me wonders and hopes it was a knee jerk reaction to this whole situation and that there’s hope we can work it out. I don’t know if he planned to do it as just last night we were discussing holiday plans and this morning he asked to put stuff on my credit card which I did

He's a user and please don't entertain any hope of working it out. Sounds like he was sweetening you up with holiday plans to lull you into false sense of security by getting you to put stuff on your credit card
Expecting you not to be put out over cancelling an arranged weekend in favour of something he might do with his parents and you say he cancelled things before. And dumping you by text.
Is there anything redeeming about this guy? Well I can think of one thing - he's done you a great favour but ending it. Don't put up with this rubbish op - plenty of nice guys out there just waiting to be met!
Good luck op.

ligerdub

Perspective needed wrote:

Thanks for your reply, the marriage and dog conversations were initiated by him, I’m moving into a new place in 2 weeks and he had started referring to a lot stuff for there as ours. To be honest he’s 35 years old I expected him to have enough empathy to realise that I would be put out with him for changing our plans. But to him I was totally in the wrong, I ended up apologizing to him. At the end of the day it’s for nothing as he ended it by text while I was at work. Part of me wonders and hopes it was a knee jerk reaction to this whole situation and that there’s hope we can work it out. I don’t know if he planned to do it as just last night we were discussing holiday plans and this morning he asked to put stuff on my credit card which I did

Sorry to hear of your predicament. I unfairly assumed you initiated these conversations.

Without knowing both sides of this story it's hard to know for sure. You do seem like a very nice person though and it seems a shame that you're not getting back the same respect and consideration you're putting in.

There are a lot more red flags in that last post and to be honest he's taking the piss. Putting stuff on your credit card and then dumping you by text on the same day. Sounds like a right prick if you ask me.

One thing I'd consider here. Have a read over this thread again and pretend like you're not the person who started the thread, consider it's a total stranger. What would you think then? What's the upside from continuing this relationship that you couldn't easily replicate with a different boyfriend?

Sardonicat

wirelessdude01 wrote: »

Sardonicat wrote:

OP, this guy is messing with your head. Get reimbursed for for the CC spend and cut all contact. Red flags all over the place here. You've dodged a bullet.

This one million percent. You'd have to wonder what is wrong with him to be acting like a toddler at 35 years of age.

I think he's "negging" her. Not toddler like at all but very manipulative and sinister. OP needs to run.

Batgurl

What did you put on the credit card?

Can you cancel it? That would be my first port of call.

Oink

Perspective needed wrote: »

Well he dumped me by text while I was at work

Take that opportunity and run.
It hurts, but imagine if he was still treating you like that in 5 years’ time.
Block him and whatnot, and thank your lucky stars for the early warning.

LegacyUser

Batgurl wrote: »

What did you put on the credit card?

Can you cancel it? That would be my first port of call.

It was an online subscription, I paid upfront so and it’s been activated can’t cancel. I might try and log in and see can I change the password. I just want to talk things through with him, I can’t understand how things changed so quickly, but he won’t answer the phobe