He called me the C word

Witchie

Reading your post was like I stepped back in time to my life 20 years ago. I had 2 small kids, a husband who was depressed but wouldn't do anything about it and occasionally totally lost the rag with me, punched holes in walls, a few times when he had me by the throat against that wall. 

I tried to help get him better, brought him to doctors but he wouldn't go in. We went to counselling but he could present himself as utterly charming so I was told by the counsellor that it was my fault, that I was nagging him etc. 

Anyway, fast forward 20 years, I am living the life I want in Asia, my sons are grown up young men who are amazing people and they do have a relationship of sorts with their dad but they also know that I was the one who raised them, made the sacrifices for them and taught them how to be good people. 

So if I can do it, you can. But the first step is to agree with him that the marriage is over, pack his stuff, sit the kids down and tell them that you both love them so much but that he is going to move out of the house. Expect some anger from them, maybe tantrums etc but just give them lots of love and answer their questions as best you can and you will get through it. 

Thinking of you. xx

littleonesome

I have just checked in this morning and am overwhelmed by the support. It's been so tough the last few days. He hasn't come back and I'm alone with the kids. He seems adament that it's over. The kids are missing him so much, I don't know what to say to them. I was bawling this morning because I just needed help. I feel like my whole world is falling apart and I can't stop it. I can't fix this and I'm just so sad. He's gone to his parents house and is there (God knows what story he has told them) His mum is in the UK and will be back next week, she is so good to me and I love her dearly. I'm sorry I'm probably just rambling here.

Big Bag of Chips...so much of what you said is like my situation. thank you for sharing it...Thank you everyone so much.

littleonesome

Witchie wrote: »

Reading your post was like I stepped back in time to my life 20 years ago. I had 2 small kids, a husband who was depressed but wouldn't do anything about it and occasionally totally lost the rag with me, punched holes in walls, a few times when he had me by the throat against that wall.

I tried to help get him better, brought him to doctors but he wouldn't go in. We went to counselling but he could present himself as utterly charming so I was told by the counsellor that it was my fault, that I was nagging him etc.

Anyway, fast forward 20 years, I am living the life I want in Asia, my sons are grown up young men who are amazing people and they do have a relationship of sorts with their dad but they also know that I was the one who raised them, made the sacrifices for them and taught them how to be good people.

So if I can do it, you can. But the first step is to agree with him that the marriage is over, pack his stuff, sit the kids down and tell them that you both love them so much but that he is going to move out of the house. Expect some anger from them, maybe tantrums etc but just give them lots of love and answer their questions as best you can and you will get through it.

Thinking of you. xx

Thank you so much. My kids are so small, they are 5 and 3. I want them to be brought up with both of us, everyone keeps telling me that if the Mam isn't right, the kids can't be right. Would you agree? Do you ever regret splitting up? I never wanted to be a single mum.

Keepaneye

Don't think of it as being a single mum. The dad still has to take care of the kids via maintenance etc. A good solicitor will be able to put in place a plan for you to gain full custody of your kids along with your options with regards to maintenance. Most of these actions will show your partner that you're not gonna tolerate being bullied and he will (if he's smart) reign in the abuse.

Witchie

littleonesome wrote: »

Witchie wrote: »

Reading your post was like I stepped back in time to my life 20 years ago. I had 2 small kids, a husband who was depressed but wouldn't do anything about it and occasionally totally lost the rag with me, punched holes in walls, a few times when he had me by the throat against that wall.

I tried to help get him better, brought him to doctors but he wouldn't go in. We went to counselling but he could present himself as utterly charming so I was told by the counsellor that it was my fault, that I was nagging him etc.

Anyway, fast forward 20 years, I am living the life I want in Asia, my sons are grown up young men who are amazing people and they do have a relationship of sorts with their dad but they also know that I was the one who raised them, made the sacrifices for them and taught them how to be good people.

So if I can do it, you can. But the first step is to agree with him that the marriage is over, pack his stuff, sit the kids down and tell them that you both love them so much but that he is going to move out of the house. Expect some anger from them, maybe tantrums etc but just give them lots of love and answer their questions as best you can and you will get through it.

Thinking of you. xx

Thank you so much. My kids are so small, they are 5 and 3. I want them to be brought up with both of us, everyone keeps telling me that if the Mam isn't right, the kids can't be right. Would you agree? Do you ever regret splitting up? I never wanted to be a single mum.

I never regret leaving him. I often regret that he is their dad as he has been such a let down to them all their lives but that can't be changed. I just did my best to explain to them that they were loved no matter what and that their dad did love them but he just wasn't great at showing it. They got used to it. Kids are very adaptable. Yes it was very tough at times but 1000% worth it to raise them in a home where we laughed, played together and lived a life without fear of an angry man. 

You can do this and please, if you are close to his mum, keep her in your life. My ex-in-laws have always been very sweet to me and even though they don't get very involved in my kids life, they still send me nice emails/messages of support and thank me for doing a great job raising their grandsons. As my ex's parents, they know what he is like and even though they wished we could work out, they understood and don't hold it against me. 

I always say that a marriage breaking down is a lot like a death. You need to grieve as the hopes, dreams and future you wanted with your husband has died. Treat it like a death. Get counselling, rely on friends and family for support and slowly start to build your life up again. 

Trust me, it will be worth it. You do not deserve to live a life of fear under this man. xx

littleonesome

Midnight Sundance wrote: »

I have to agree. Also everything that Big bag of chips has said seems like very sensible advice.
God I was seething as I read your post, I know if you were my sister or friend I’d want you to tell me and I’d be able to give you a big hug and help you out with all this.
Please talk to someone!! I don’t care how depressed he is, he has left you two days now with the kids. Kids are a responsibility, you can’t just up and leave them as much as you want to, if he’s capable of this it would make me question his commitment to the family. Life and marriage is hard, if we all upped sticks and walked away from our problems then nothing would be solved.
I’d pack his bags. If he realises that you are being serious then maybe he will seek help and ye can work on repairing all the damage he’s done .
Best of luck op! Please find family or a friend to talk to

So nice of you to say you'd be in my corner. He just contacted me now to say he wants to see the kids. I want beg him to come back and cop on, but I can't I just can't. I was very nice and polite in my texts and said he can come over whenever he wants and that the reality is that the kids do miss me so much and that it's not me trying to guilt him, but that I wanted him to know the reality of what's going on. So I'm just so glad that they will get to see him today. I'm going to go upstairs for the duration of his visit and do some 'laundry' and I told him that so that he'd feel comfortable to come. He is a good Dad but walking out like this has totally knocked me sideways. He's also ended our relationship...which is like a double blow. I feel like I've been hit by a truck today.

sReq | uTeK

littleonesome wrote: »

So nice of you to say you'd be in my corner. He just contacted me now to say he wants to see the kids. I want beg him to come back and cop on, but I can't I just can't. I was very nice and polite in my texts and said he can come over whenever he wants and that the reality is that the kids do miss me so much and that it's not me trying to guilt him, but that I wanted him to know the reality of what's going on. So I'm just so glad that they will get to see him today. I'm going to go upstairs for the duration of his visit and do some 'laundry' and I told him that so that he'd feel comfortable to come. He is a good Dad but walking out like this has totally knocked me sideways. He's also ended our relationship...which is like a double blow. I feel like I've been hit by a truck today.

He has issues, issues he has to sort out and by the looks of things alone before he can ever commit to giving your relationship a go. He needs medication, he needs counselling and he needs to sort his head out.

You need time and space away from him and that horrible environment and he's given you that. Stipulate you agree with the separation are are potentially agreeable to seeing what happens in the future so long as he agrees to do x, y and z to sort himself out.

Having your kids, although they miss him, in that toxic environment and furthermore with a father who clearly needs help is not good for anyone.

Kids are versatile and strong, they can still see him, but don't stand for being a door mat.