He called me the C word

littleonesome

My husband has been on antidepressants for a year now. I think the effect of them has worn off. He is angry and tired all the time. I love him, but on Friday he told me to "F off you effing C***T" through gritted teeth and I was distraught. This happened at a luas stop.

We had decided to have a day for just us in town. We have 2 kids and this was my way of showing him that I cared about us. We agreed that it was just a day for wandering around town, maybe have a drink etc. He told me he would like to go to the Leinster shop and I said sure lets go, then we decideed to go for a drink first, we got side tracked and went into the great outdoors. When we came out he looked so pissed off, so I asked him what was wrong. He got really pissed off with me and I said I was selfish and thoughtless and had spent too long in the shop and I never thought of him or what he wanted and that now it was too late to go to the leinster shop. I begged him to calm down and this is when he to "F off you effing c**t and it was said with such anger. Its not the first time he's called me this. I got really upset. I feel like I can't take much more...He blames me for everything wrong in our life and don't get me wrong I'm not perfect but I don't think this is okay and something deep down is kinda freaking me out this time. A woman saw how upset I was and gave me some tissues and water and I guess I just felt like the lowest thing. I'm so scared of what this means. I just need someone to talk to. I have 2 kids a 5 year old girl and a 3 year old boy. I

Fann Linn

<SNIP>

Very sad. Have you anyone close nearby ie sister, sister in law, mother who you could talk to. Could you discuss it with your GP?

nthclare

Never ever mix drink and antidepressants.
Its a lethal weapon.
Id say it could have been that, or else he stopped taking his meds and never told you.

Antidepressants and alcohol is like lighting up in a room with the gas leaking from a cooker.....

charlietheminxx

That’s absolutely horrible and to be honest, sounds like serious emotional abuse, whether it’s his illness or not.

Was he apologetic afterwards? Has he tried to get more help? Anti-depressants aren’t a cure all. Was he always prone to outbursts like this or is it recent?

Brian?

Is he only taking anti depressants or is he going to talk therapy as well? If he isn’t, he needs to.

You have my sympathies. It sounds like your husband needs more help than meds.

littleonesome

It was just 1 bottle of beer. It is very sad I feel totally heartbroken. He text me afterwards and told me our marriage was over and that he didn't want to be around me. He doesn't see anything wrong with what he did. I think it's the depression, but in my gut I think it's so awful, I don't know if I can take much more. I feel so worn down and just so sad. The worst part is that this morning I ended up shouting at my lovely kids. It's not their fault but I'm overwhelmed.

littleonesome

No he's not going to any talk therapy. He doesn't seem to believe that his depression is that bad. It is. I'm walking on eggshells most of the time. I dont know what to do. I married him to be with him forever but I feel so worn down now and I never wanted to bring my kids up in a broken family.

littleonesome

He's always been what I would describe as 'moody' and 'sulky' but it's just a lot worse now. It was the look in his face, the gritted teeth and the viciousness...i felt like he hated me so bad in that moment. It was like getting a kick into the stomach. I feel like I'm falling apart myelf.

ahappychappy

It is never okay and I would pull him up on it every time. Had this for years with my soon to be ex husband.

A couple of things, firstly I truly have the upmost respect and acknowledge mental health causes pain to the sufferer, but you need to protect yourself from the effects. Make sure you have support aware run meetings for family. Talk to your husband and if possible his medical team.

In my case the sneer, verbal lashing out was a sign a major depressive episode was immenent. Medication loses effectiveness over time.

Is he engaged with self help methods, meditation, exercise, talk therapy, no alcohol? He needs to commit to these and other medical recommendations.

I am sorry you are going through this, your husband is ill but that is no excuse to abuse you. Look after yourself and ensure you have your supports.

ahappychappy

Just read your update, sadly I can relate. Trust me my children are a million times happier with us apart.it took therapy and a lot of support but you will survive. Living walking on eggshells is not living.

Talk to his medical team they may not discuss but should listen to you. Mind yourself it is a lonely place to be

littleonesome

ahappychappy wrote: »

It is never okay and I would pull him up on it every time. Had this for years with my soon to be ex husband.

A couple of things, firstly I truly have the upmost respect and acknowledge mental health causes pain to the sufferer, but you need to protect yourself from the effects. Make sure you have support aware run meetings for family. Talk to your husband and if possible his medical team.

In my case the sneer, verbal lashing out was a sign a major depressive episode was immenent. Medication loses effectiveness over time.

Is he engaged with self help methods, meditation, exercise, talk therapy, no alcohol? He needs to commit to these and other medical recommendations.

I am sorry you are going through this, your husband is ill but that is no excuse to abuse you. Look after yourself and ensure you have your supports.

I hadn't thought about Aware, I will actually try them. In short-No, is isn't doing anything to help himself feel well. No exercise, over working, eating outrrageously bad food, sugar and fast food. He has no friends.

sexmag

First off at the end of the day words are just words but your issue is that you felt he hated you and it was said eith viciousness.

It seems quite an extreme to go from having a nice day and you wandering into a shop,taking your time and then him missing his chance to go to a shop and losing it with you.

You say he said you were selfish and never think about him,have you asked him what he's referring too?

littleonesome

ahappychappy wrote: »

Just read your update, sadly I can relate. Trust me my children are a million times happier with us apart.it took therapy and a lot of support but you will survive. Living walking on eggshells is not living.

Talk to his medical team they may not discuss but should listen to you. Mind yourself it is a lonely place to be

I'm sitting at the table in the kitchen with the kids glued to cartoons and i'm in tears..thank you for answering me. I feel so alone right now...thank you for answering me. I just needed one person to be with me right now.I know that sounds dramatic, but I feel so so alone.

Brian?

littleonesome wrote: »

No he's not going to any talk therapy. He doesn't seem to believe that his depression is that bad. It is. I'm walking on eggshells most of the time. I dont know what to do. I married him to be with him forever but I feel so worn down now and I never wanted to bring my kids up in a broken family.

I’m so sorry to hear that.

He needs help but won’t admit it to himself.

You need to prioritise your own well being and they well being of your kids though. Would you consider giving him an ultimatum? Get help or I’m off.

I have experience of a similar situation. <SNIP>

ahappychappy

I am so sorry for your troubles it is a horrible place to be there is a weird feeling that if you can keep doing xyz then it will be OK.

Whatever decision you make about your relationship you need to sort support for yourself.Tell someone either family or contact aware.

This is not your fault you can't manage someone else's mental health.

I found therapy helped I was lucky my job had access to free sessions alongside talking to my gp I didn't need medicine but support. Telling people was hard and I am still working on my evil witch image I seem to have gained, 🙄.

Get up get out for a walk have a cuddle the little ones and remember you are human, well a mum so obviously a superwoman x

Dog walker 1234

He is depressed but that doesn't give him any right to treat you so badly. He needs to face his problems and deal with them. You need to look after yourself, both for you and your children.

If he isn't willing to face his issues, then I think you need to decide on what you need to do. You are in an awful situation.

Hope you will be ok.

littleonesome

Dog walker 1234 wrote: »

He is depressed but that doesn't give him any right to treat you so badly. He needs to face his problems and deal with them. You need to look after yourself, both for you and your children.

If he isn't willing to face his issues, then I think you need to decide on what you need to do. You are in an awful situation.

Hope you will be ok.

Thank you for replying. I keep telling myself that...being this horrible is just the depression, not him. It just felt so directed and hateful towards me. I think bad anger can be how depression is expressed too. I'm just getting the brunt of it.

littleonesome

sexmag wrote: »

First off at the end of the day words are just words but your issue is that you felt he hated you and it was said eith viciousness.

It seems quite an extreme to go from having a nice day and you wandering into a shop,taking your time and then him missing his chance to go to a shop and losing it with you.

You say he said you were selfish and never think about him,have you asked him what he's referring too?

I felt so extreme and fast and just caught me of guard. He wont make decisions and says he doesn't care, so I made the decisions that day (including him as I went along) but it was seslfish of me to stay in the shop so long when I knew he wanted to go to the Leinster shop.

littleonesome

ahappychappy wrote: »

I am so sorry for your troubles it is a horrible place to be there is a weird feeling that if you can keep doing xyz then it will be OK.

Whatever decision you make about your relationship you need to sort support for yourself.Tell someone either family or contact aware.

This is not your fault you can't manage someone else's mental health.

I found therapy helped I was lucky my job had access to free sessions alongside talking to my gp I didn't need medicine but support. Telling people was hard and I am still working on my evil witch image I seem to have gained, &#55357;&#56900;.

Get up get out for a walk have a cuddle the little ones and remember you are human, well a mum so obviously a superwoman x

Thank you so much...I will actually do that right now...I need the hugs and so do they!!

Fakediamond

littleonesome wrote: »

it was seslfish of me to stay in the shop so long when I knew he wanted to go to the Leinster shop.

Please don’t start down the road of blaming yourself for his verbal abuse, he must take responsibility for that. He could have just said something like, time is moving on, let’s head to the leinster shop. As someone else said, you need to call him on the abuse, by letting him know you won’t put up with that, you’re sending him a message that he must get help or you and the kids are out of there. Waliking on eggshells is not an option for you or your children, they must be feeling stressed too.

littleonesome

Thats what I thought too, why couldn't he just ask me to leave the shop? Is that not what you would normally do? I'm so mixed up right now. I feel so bloody mixed up...part of me whats to hug him and part of me just wants to run away forever. I hate when he's like this. He's gone out of the house since Friday and so angry and won't talk to me.

dudara

A gentle reminder to all that offering to send or receive PMs is against the forum charter.

dudara

littleonesome

dudara wrote: »

A gentle reminder to all that offering to send or receive PMs is against the forum charter.

dudara

i'm sorry I didn't realise it was against the rules. Sorry about that.

Big Bag of Chips

He is a married father of 2 who has been gone for 2 nights? Isn't it well for him? Imagine if you did that?

I want to say, I understand people suffer with mental health, and I know life can just seem too much at times. But I also think if a sufferer is not interested in finding what works for them, to make life easier for them and for those who love them then you are dealing with a bit more than just someone with mental health issues.

I have said it before, my husband has suffered with mental health issues for years. Almost for as long as I can remember with him. And for a very long time he also treated me terribly. Saying things he wouldn't say to others. Generally being in "a mood" with me. And yes, I accept some of this could be attributed to his depression. But a lot of it could be put down to him just being an arsehole and taking it out on the easiest target. His wife.

Like you I tip-toed around. I tried talking to him (which annoyed him because he wasn't in the mood for talking). I tried giving him space (which annoyed him because I was 'ignoring' him and 'pissed off' with him because he had depression). I tried everything in between, but it was never right. He treated me like he treated no other person. He would barely talk to me, yet could be out in the pub having a right laugh with anyone else. If ever I said anything I was wrong because he had mental health problems and I didn't understand.

Like you, I got to a point where I had enough. And I told him that I understood his mental health problems, and the fact that he suffered. But I also said he wasn't doing enough to treat his mental health, and on top of all that he was just being an arsehole too. It took a while but he eventually realised he was being an arsehole, and he did need to do more to sort out his mental health than he was doing.

I was lucky. He copped himself on. Some people font, and prefer to see themselves as the perpetual victim. He could simply have asked to go to the Leinster shop. Instead he preferred to skulk around the shop, obviously getting more and more frustrated and more and more annoyed and letting himself get to the point where he abused you.

That's not right or healthy, when a simple "can we go now?" Would have sorted it all.

He's not going to learn that from taking tablets, and if its a skill he is lacking, then he needs to learn it. Not from you, because he won't listen to you. But from a therapist who can point him in the right direction. If he refuses to accept help, there's not a lot you can do. But you need to tell him that regardless of his problems you will no longer accept his treatment of you.

Daisy78

Big Bag of Chips wrote: »

He is a married father of 2 who has been gone for 2 nights? Isn't it well for him? Imagine if you did that?

I want to say, I understand people suffer with mental health, and I know life can just seem too much at times. But I also think if a sufferer is not interested in finding what works for them, to make life easier for them and for those who love them then you are dealing with a bit more than just someone with mental health issues.

I have said it before, my husband has suffered with mental health issues for years. Almost for as long as I can remember with him. And for a very long time he also treated me terribly. Saying things he wouldn't say to others. Generally being in "a mood" with me. And yes, I accept some of this could be attributed to his depression. But a lot of it could be put down to him just being an arsehole and taking it out on the easiest target. His wife.

This 100 per cent.

Without going into details I was in a similar relationship some years ago. Partner had bi-polar with addiction issues. I always knew when he came off his meds as his mood would dip, this usually meant he become agitated and abusive, all of it focused on me. His frustrations were never taken out on family and friends. Now undoubtedly his mental health issues were at the root of this but it wasn’t the only reason, he was also being an arsehole and knew that being the mild mannered person I am I would put up with. This went on for years until one day the ultimatum came , in the end he wouldn’t make any commitment to managing his health or try to get the relationship back on track so it ended.

There are two outcomes here, if he is serious about keeping his family together he will follow the example of BBOC’s husband above. Or he will opt out. You need to prepare yourself for both of these scenarios. Talk to him, lay your cards on the table and make sure he is aware of the consequences of his decision. Absolutely offer all the support you can but if he is unwilling to be proactive then you are left with a decision to make. You can’t let this drag on, it would be so easy to find yourself (and your children) in the same unhealthy situation in years to come if he is unwilling to take the steps he needs to get things back on track.

Take care of yourself, hopefully you have someone to talk to, family or friends, just to get it off your chest.

Church on Tuesday

Your Husband is a lucky man to have someone as caring as you.

Calling people names in a relationship or marriage is not acceptable ever. He was in the wrong there without a doubt.

I understand that your Husband is suffering at the minute, and that is not easy for him either, but he has to understand that you are on his side, You are there to help him because you love him.

I suggest you talk to him in a calm manner about the situation at hand, at the end of the day, we are each responsible for our own happiness and well being. You can't 'make' someone better; they have to want to do it themselves.

Tell him how you feel and how upset you are. Reassure him you are there to help him. If he values you and his family he will realise that he needs to try a bit harder, although this may take some time.

Don't beat yourself up though regardless, you are only trying your very best.

joeguevara

First things first, I hope you are doing ok and your kids. One great thing about here is that if you are feeling alone then there is always a caring poster who will give you a virtual hug or can give advice.

I wouldn’t focus on the words he said too much but the way it was said. It must have been like a kick in the stomach. You have to make a decision on what is best for you and your family. If you want to stay with him, then it cannot continue like it is. Both of ye will have to have a plan of what changes need to be made. That includes changes in lifestyle, possibly therapy both together or separately. Positive ways for him to control his anger. He needs to know that if the plan isn’t followed then it could be the end. There will be slip ups but it is better than what is happening now.

The most important thing at the moment is you and your kids.

Yellow pack crisps

Mental illness is not something that goes away on its own. Anti depressants is a band aid and not a cure. There is no valid reason why you or your children should put up with this behavior. You’re vulnerable now and what you need to do is put yourself first for a change. Do a list of how this is affecting you, your kids and sit down with your husband and tell him it needs to change. Look you may end up splitting up and it’s an awful though but so to is living your life with a person who is unwilling to change or help themselves. That will eventually start to efffect your own mental health. I’m not saying give up on your marriage, what I am saying is don’t put up with nasty behavior. If your husband won’t listen to you and refuses your help then you need to look after yourself. Big hugs.

Gbear

I'm not a doctor but I have suffered from depression for most of the past 10 years. I'm not going to make pronouncements about the merits of anti-depressants generally - I think doctors know what they're doing when they prescribe them.

That said, they can have side-effects that would make me leery about going on them again.
Some are more mundane, like hugely affecting appetite one way or the other. Others are things like making you really angry all the time.
That happened with me when I was on one relatively moderate anti-depressent whose name escapes me.

I'd snap at things, break things, punch walls and the likes. I had always had a temper but it seemed to amplify it. It's always difficult to know where natural behaviour ends and the effects of the drugs begin.

That doesn't absolve your husband of anything - it behooves the sufferer to find treatments for themselves that work, and it's even more imperetive when they have someone like you standing beside them, but it's important that, if you can get your husband to talk, you discuss their medication, whether they're taking it or not, and this latest development in his behaviour, with his mental health professionals.

Medication is, IMO, about getting a patient back from the edge of sanity to where they can have a stable platform to begin sorting out the underlying problems that are affecting them. Your husband does not sound like he's in that place.

Keepaneye

If he has asked to end it OP I would go along with it and get his bags packed. Yes I realise there are kids involved however it's much more damaging to have someone like that around when they could be detrimental to you and your kids.

Hope it works out.

Midnight Sundance

Keepaneye wrote: »

If he has asked to end it OP I would go along with it and get his bags packed. Yes I realise there are kids involved however it's much more damaging to have someone like that around when they could be detrimental to you and your kids.

Hope it works out.

I have to agree. Also everything that Big bag of chips has said seems like very sensible advice.
God I was seething as I read your post, I know if you were my sister or friend I’d want you to tell me and I’d be able to give you a big hug and help you out with all this.
Please talk to someone!! I don’t care how depressed he is, he has left you two days now with the kids. Kids are a responsibility, you can’t just up and leave them as much as you want to, if he’s capable of this it would make me question his commitment to the family. Life and marriage is hard, if we all upped sticks and walked away from our problems then nothing would be solved.
I’d pack his bags. If he realises that you are being serious then maybe he will seek help and ye can work on repairing all the damage he’s done .
Best of luck op! Please find family or a friend to talk to