Lonely and alone

LegacyUser

We all have a feature or features that we don't like, but our attitude to it makes all the difference and the feature quickly disappears once the conversation starts. A smile, a bit of easy flirtatiousness, a decent sense of humour, all draw people in and it don't take long for us to concentrate on what really matters. Those aren't easy for everyone and in your case your past experiences, family relationships and the fact that you spend so much time alone have probably blunted your skills a little. I would say the short-term solution to that is to go out and make a load of mistakes. Embarrass yourself speed dating, make a hames of flirting somewhere you never have to go back to, whatever, just go and do it and learn that you won't die from chancing your arm. Take someone with you who is great at laughing about those things. It won't take long and I promise you, it’ll make a difference to how you see those interactions.

Guest01 wrote: »

Some years ago I was in a pub & 2 guys looked at me & laughed at each other commenting about me.

I've been one of those guys on many occasions and not once did our conversation go the way you've assumed. Almost always, it was some version of "Go on, chance your arm with her", "You must be joking, she wouldn't give me a second look", followed by us laughing at each other.

I think you need to reset the memory on that incident, it's very, very unlikely to have gone the way you assume, but I think it has hit you so badly that it has become your reality and now you're projecting a lack of confidence that has become the real problem, whether you've become a bit withdrawn, or perhaps defensive, maybe even appearing aggressive or whatever response it is that's holding you back. Putting your criteria on a dating profile may have seemed like a good idea, but it probably just looked a bit full on, too intense. That profile is supposed to be an opening, not a contract offer. Similarly, sitting in the pub projecting the wrong vibe is going to be a barrier.
On the same note, you casually mention your distant family like it had no impact, but I guarantee you that whatever caused your relationship with your siblings to go that way is coming out in all your relationships, and I mean all of them. That might be best addressed through counselling which won't just pay off on that issue, but in every area of your life.

Sheog

Hi Op,

It seems like you really are stuck in a rut, and I totally empathize with you, I have been there myself.

You have so much going for you in your life though, your own successful business, your financial independence & your own home for example. You sound like an awesome, independent, fit and healthy woman who has plenty to offer.

There are lots of post here from people you have never met offering you support as well as advice and suggestions, which is (I am sure) why you have posted in the first place. It seems though, that you have a negative answer or a reason why you shouldn't give each suggestion a go?

For example you say you tried online dating, but it seems to me (and correct me if I picked this up wrong from your posts) that you never actually met anyone through online dating, that you gave up after a few negative messages and are now unwilling to try it again?

There are many different dating apps out there. Tinder and POF are probably the most commonly used, and I have friends who have met their partners (some of who are now married) through these apps. Have you tried aps that you have to pay for? You may find that people on those apps are looking for something more long term?

If you don't like receiving messages out of the blue then I 'd recommend Bumble. When you match with someone, it is up to the woman to 'break the ice' and send the first message. Like with the business you started yourself, you have to put the effort in to get what you want out of it.

You could challenge yourself to fill your weekend with dates; coffee dates/ lunch dates/ Walks/ hikes/ drinks. Your goal could be to go on 2 dates each weekend and to enjoy yourself. Yes, it is massively daunting, but after a few first dates you will get more relaxed and you will find it easier to be yourself each time. Don't put yourself under any pressure to be meeting 'the one' and just go with an open mind and to have fun. One of my friends who tried this approach one weekend when she had nothing else to do, met a great guy on her third date and is still with him (happily) 2 years later.

I think in the meantime it would definitely be worth looking at ways to change your mind set from negative to positive, and to work on building your self confidence. As some have suggested, look at some counselling or maybe something like cogitative behavioral therapy or even a life coach.

I hope you feel better about things from the supportive posts here, and I wish you all the best!

hawley

You know that you need to make changes in your life, but you just don't know how to make a start because you are so lacking in self esteem. It also seems like you're almost sabotaging yourself and expect to get a poor result from any initiative taken in your personal life. You've had these negative thoughts within your head for so long and it's very hard to change that. The incident in the pub is a reflection of what you actually think about yourself. You think that you are ugly and unworthy of having a partner. That it happened is irrelevant, you'd still think the same way, because you've more than likely had the same pattern of thoughts throughout your entire adult life. I don't know if any of this will help you but could I suggest a few things.

1. You are working sixty hours a week. Is there any way that you could reduce those hours so that you can have more time for yourself? Your personal life and mental health is much more important than earning extra money.
2. You need to change your internal voice. You are constantly telling yourself that you are ugly and worthless and that your family don't want anything to do with you. Basically you need to change your internal soundtrack.
3. You have to make a commitment to a long term change in your life and values. Doing a rake of activities like classes, dating and meetups might provide an initial rush but six months later you are back in the same place as before.

Westernyelp

I haven't read all the posts. But please don't let an off the cuff incident with a couple of assholes define you. I don't know you. But I Gaurantee that there are lots of people out there who would look at you and think. She is gorgeous.
It's the way of the world. You need to start believing it yourself if you can.

LegacyUser

Thank you all SO much for your posts. Some really strike a chord with me.

Online dating, I tried Tinder & POF. When the messages were too crude for me, I just deleted them. The few I did meet, 1 was marred, 1 was looking for "fun" away from his partner, a few there was just no thing in common, I met 2 guys for a few weeks but it felt forced. I kept my bio short, I did say not looking for "no strings", wanted to meet & see from that. I just felt there was no chemistry with the guys I was messaging when I met them in person.

Family, we just went down different routes. I messaged my sister last weekend to see if they were free to meet some weekend soon, she said they have a holiday & wedding etc. over the next few weekends. For so long I have tried to reach out but when people are busy & living life, there are only so many times before you stop asking.

Work, I threw myself into it from 29 to 33/34. It was probably a way to cope after loosing my parents. 34 to now, I have tried the classes, online dating & putting a positive outlook on things, but after 4 years, I see that I have lost that positivity. I guess that's why I came here.

I know I am being negative towards some of the suggestions here, some things are just completely out of my comfort zone, some I will try. When you feel so low, it isn't easy to just do some things. I must sound incredibly selfish too, there are so many people who have real problems, ill health, financially, unhealthy relationships etc., it's just recently, this is eating away at me.

I have reduced my hours slightly over the last 8 weeks & that is allowing me more time to think about things. I think I need to find some form of counseling, it's just to figure out what is best. Apologies for the long post & thanks again to you all.

wingsof daun

I;m sorry you feel that soul destroying emptiness o.p. You are not getting enough out of life. It seems a lot of women are clicky or don't easily let you into their friend circle.
If you got a friend, male perhaps, and it could gradually become a relationship, you may find happiness. Perhaps you have build a negativity that is scaring some men away. Of course never blame yourself for this.

LolaJJ

OP! You're awesome!!!! Having your own profitable business that you built from the ground up is so impressive. Clearly you were ballsy enough to believe in yourself and get it working. It's a pity you have gotten a bit bored/tired of it but maybe there's a way to make it exciting again and find that drive and passion you must have had to get it to where it is!!!

I can't believe someone asked you about beauty treatments and you responded saying it was your features and you might get botox . I know it will sound anecdotal but like even the most beautiful woman in the world will be unattractive if she is not confident. Similarly, and I know it's happened to me in the past, I've been attracted to guys who look like the back-end of a bus just because they are incredibly charismatic and charming.

I think you could really benefit from doing some kind of confidence booster workshop, it really feels like you might be standing in your own way a little bit.

Also, for the record, I am " pretty" by general standards, as in, my features are all in the right place but back when I was dating I always felt insecure discussing my achievements with regard to work or my teeeny apartment, old banger of a car.

Focus on your strengths!