Lonely and alone

LegacyUser

Looking for advice as to where to go from here...

Background about me - female, 38, single, no kids, own my own home, have a small little business which is doing ok (I work on my own). My parents are both deceased 5 years ago & I have 1 sister & 1 brother (don't live close & we arent close). I have a small circle of friends who are all settled with young kids.

On the outside it probably looks like I have a nice lifestyle as in I'm not struggling financially, I have material things, I keep myself in shape and I always try to help others.

On the inside I'm falling apart. I'm so lonely, I hate being single, my self esteem is non existent, I'm starting to loose interest in work after spending years building up my business. I feel so alone and empty.

While I have a good figure, I'm not a pretty girl. Some years ago I was in a pub & 2 guys looked at me & laughed at each other commenting about me. It still makes me feel embarrassed. I have never really had much interest from guys & the few who were, just weren't my type. I signed up to online dating recently & put what I wasn't looking for but all the replies were for what I didn't want. I deleted it as I just can't face any more rejection.

I joined classes pilates, yoga, running etc. to try meet new people but found girls were in their pairs & stuck to themselves. I looked up meet up but there's nothing in my area.

Last night I went home & broke down. I cried all night. Weekends are torture as I have nobody to spend them with. I go for coffee & shopping but it makes me feel even more isolated & alone looking at others being so happy together.

I'm starting to feel I just can't face into another 30/40 years of life if this is how it's going to be.

I don't know what I'm even looking for here - I guess I'm looking to know has anybody else found themselves in this position and what did you do?

DoozerT6

Guest01 wrote: »

...

Last night I went home & broke down. I cried all night. Weekends are torture as I have nobody to spend them with. I go for coffee & shopping but it makes me feel even more isolated & alone looking at others being so happy together.

OP, firstly, if you are not tied to exactly where you work (in terms of equipment for example), do you have the option to look into a shared office space somewhere? At least it might be a little bit of social interaction during the day. Of course you will all be at work, so it's not going to be like the couch in the Central Perk in 'Friends', but still...it might be someone to have a cuppa with for ten minutes during a break, or whatever. Who knows what might come out of it?

As for the bit I highlighted in your post - I'm a bit older than you and this is also my reality. I'm sorry I don't have any advice, but know that you are certainly not alone. I have some leave from work coming up in the next month or so, and I have no plans for it. It will probably be a fortnight of sitting on my couch on Boards.

Would a complete change of scenery be of any use? Is your business conducive to relocation? Maybe you're just 'stuck' and need a fresh start. You're not close to your family, and your friends will probably be mostly tied up with kid stuff for the next decade or so, so unless you're emotionally attached to where you live, maybe relocation might give you a kick start? I would however be mindful of the phrase 'wherever you go, there you are' and try and work on any emotional issues before making any huge life decisions.

With regards to your looks - I think we all have a pretty poor opinion of ourselves when we don't have much success in romance But is there anything you could do in a practical sense to make yourself feel better about yourself? A new haircut/colour, braces for your teeth if needed??? some makeup advice, eyebrow shaping - that sort of stuff.

I hope things get better

messy tessy

Guest01 wrote: »

Some years ago I was in a pub & 2 guys looked at me & laughed at each other commenting about me. It still makes me feel embarrassed

Those guys are the ones to feel embarrassed over this, not you. They were unbelievably cruel, you should acknowledge that some people are just horrible, and try to forget about it.

Op you sound like you have an awful lot going for you. So don't overlook all you have achieved. It is tough when friends have kids, their entire priorities change. Even so you say you are have close friends, could you confide in one of them about how isolated you feel?

I have done a few Pilates courses before and never viewed it as a place to make friends. I think people tend not to hang around after classes so I imagine it would difficult to get to know someone. Something like hiking would be more conducive to striking up conversations with people. Are there any meet ups for hiking groups in your area? If you are into running, taking part or volunteering at park runs seems a good way to meet people, and there can be coffee organised after it.

Personally I think unless you are in a good head space, and be willing to put in alot of effort, online dating isn't for everyone. I would focus on yourself right now, and just getting to know people and trying to make friends/ catch up with old ones.

Best of luck OP!

LegacyUser

Thanks for taking the time to reply.

Workwise, I have 3 years left on the lease, it isn't possible to move it & I have thought so many times about walking away from it but I'm making a profit & it would be really hard to get the same financial gain if I left it.

I have also thought if I did move, I'm still facing the same issues so I don't honestly know if it's the answer. I don't have any emotional attachment to the area so wouldn't say I'll never move either.

Lookswise I have the hair done weekly & go to the beauticians. It's more my features, when I used to go out with my friends, the girls always got chatted up before me etc. I might try botox!

I'm sorry to hear you face the same Doozer T6.

Thanks messy tessy for the kind words, they could certainly have been more discreet but I had felt the same all my life, it was like they confirmed what I felt.

My friends tell me I "should try meet a guy" but they are busy with kids etc. so I don't say too much.

It's just hard facing into another Saturday night sitting on the sofa alone.

Augme

Agree with what Messy Tessy said about yoga and pilates. They are terrible avenues to make friends tbh. People generally attend class and then leave. It's not possible to chat during the class so really limits the chances to make friends.

Try take up a sport/hobbies were you will meet the same people every week in a much more social environment. Hiking/knitting/book club are all three hobbies that will give you opportunities to talk to people in a much better environment then yoga/pilates. In terms of sports pick a team sports were the same people will train every week. Football, GAA, hockey, tag rugby. If those don't interest you think outside the box - pole dancing, roller derby, martial arts, or another a more specific gym like Crossfit.

Rubberchikken

Have you tried a singles holiday?
Ones that involve an activity that you're interested in could help with making friends or even lead to romance:)

NightStone

The two guys in the pub obviously cut deep . But being honest about it that says way more about them and who they are and how they act than it ever does about you . While it's not a positive thing to happen , take some form of positive out of it and be glad that you are not stuck with a fella or have to put up with a fella like that .

There has been all sorts of positive advice and well meant advice already posted .

There is plenty I could say but it would mostly be a double post of above .

shakeitoff

Honestly, sometimes people's opinions are just wrong. My sister is actually pretty attractive but she's not really that attractive in Ireland, she's tall and quite robust(athletic not fat) but put her in Netherlands, Croatia etc. she looks better where girls looks resemble her more. Those guys could be wrong about you. If you keep yourself in shape and aren't deformed, your quirks could well be endearing to guys.

Daisy78

Are you sure those two guys were actually laughing at you though? It could very easily have been as a result of a stupid (unrelated) comment one of them made and they happened to have been looking in your direction at the time? Even if it was directed at you they are two men out of thousands, their opinion is exactly that, just their opinion. And to be honest I find that a lot of guys who have drink in them love to act the fool in front of their friends, a bit of bravado in front of their mates rather than anything with real substance to it.

LegacyUser

Hi there, I read your post and had to reply. Similar age to you and being coupled up hasn’t happened for me either. I would be considered very attractive but that’s neither here nor there really! It certainly hasn’t helped me meet anyone long-term!
I have had relationships with guys but for one reason or another, they haven’t worked out. Been treated badly by the last few guys, so I’m happier on my own for now.

Those guys making comments on you are complete tools. I know it hurts but forget them. They’re not worth it. You’re better than them.

Have you any single friends? Even one single friend could be the gateway to some more. Or even something like a book club or running club, as mentioned above. I know it’s tough when the majority of your friends are on the marriage and baby train.

One of the things I miss having a partner for is concerts and also holidays - so I’ve decided to go on a group holiday in August. Never done anything like this before and I’m excited! Who knows where it will lead. Maybe you could look into doing something similar? It’s something to focus on anyway.

Wishing u the best x your thread really struck a chord with me. Hope I’ve helped you in some way.

LegacyUser

Thanks for replies.

I looked up groups, there's nothing really other than yoga etc but I'll take a better look tomorrow.

Singles holiday, I looked them up, I don't think I'm in the headspace for that right now. I'm shy deep down, it's too much out of my comfort zone at the moment.

The guys looked me up & down, looked at each other & laughed. They commented at the time, I knew it was about me. I'm average height, size 8 but I'm just not a "pretty girl".

What's niggling at me is I'm starting to loose positivity & interest in trying to meet people - not just guys, but in general. I know I have to change things myself for things to change, it's just I keep trying but nothing is changing.

Fakediamond

The travel department has brilliant group holidays, they’re not singles holidays, per se, but lots of single people go on them because it suits to have the trip efficiently organised and the destinations are superb.

Regarding your “looks”, I know it sounds like a cliche but looks are really not important, personality is much more relevant. I’d say those guys have totally knocked your confidence and compounded a sense you already had that you’re not attractive. Attractive is actually a much better word, we all have attractive features, might be a wicked sense of humour, interesting and intelligent conversation, kindness, the list is endless really. But you need to believe that you are attractive, in order to attract a potential partner, or even new friends.

messy tessy

Guest01 wrote: »

The guys looked me up & down, looked at each other & laughed. They commented at the time, I knew it was about me. I'm average height, size 8 but I'm just not a "pretty girl"

Your entire self worth doesn't depend on whether you are 'pretty' or not, or whether two randoms in a pub find you attractive... Have you ever considered speaking to someone about this, if it's still bothering you years later it might not be any harm.

splinter65

You’ve worked very hard for everything you’ve got OP and sometimes I think there’s a bit of an anti climax when things are going quite well on the ambition front? It’s like, “ well my business is going well, I’ve got a pretty nice house, I can manage financially... is that it now?”
Is it fair to say that while you were getting your business up and running and putting your life in order you weren’t thinking about feeling lonely and isolated? Would you be interested in learning to play bridge or joining the toastmasters or something like that? I’ve heard people say that toastmasters in particular is fantastic.

kerryjack

Would you consider having a child one thing about kids they love you no matter what you look like and you will never feel lonely and alone again

messy tessy

kerryjack wrote: »

Would you consider having a child one thing about kids they love you no matter what you look like and you will never feel lonely and alone again

I mean is this a good enough reason to bring a child into the world... to have something to keep you occupied and not feel lonely?! Sorry but I think that is terrible advice.

honeybear

kerryjack wrote: »

Would you consider having a child one thing about kids they love you no matter what you look like and you will never feel lonely and alone again

NO! No! NO! in my opinion (40’s single & no children)

kerryjack

Why do any couple have kids than

jimbobaloobob

Well done on writing what you did OP. I'm sure in some way that helps.
I wish you well. My advice would be to seek professional help but research first what service might suit you best.
I'm reluctant to say much here as I think it's important the conversation doesn't become about this service is better than the others etc.
I have first hand experience of clients using various professional services with similar problems and most with great success.

kerryjack

honeybear wrote: »

kerryjack wrote: »

Would you consider having a child one thing about kids they love you no matter what you look like and you will never feel lonely and alone again

NO! No! NO! in my opinion (40’s single & no children)

Well I have 4 and I would highly recommend it as a cure for loneliness

Yellow pack crisps

Your biggest obstacle is yourself. You don’t see your own achievements, your own qualities or your own sense of worth. For all you know those two guys could have been talking about anything and you just accepted it was about your own perceived lack of attractiveness. Everyone is attractive to some people! It’s the way of the world! What people don’t find attractive is lack of self esteem. There lies your real problem. If you don’t see yourself as someone worth knowing then why would you Expect anyone else too! Your own perception of yourself is holding you back. In truth you’re probably a wonderful, attractive and intelligent person. You run your own business, have somewhere to call home, you get yourself out and about and these are all positive attributes.

Give online dating another go. Take control of it. Speak to who you want and ignore those you don’t want to speak to, put your best front forward as this is who you really are. Best of luck, stop crying, start seeing yourself in a positive way! When I read your op I instantly thought this person has great qualities and knows what they want, they just don’t think they can get it! You can!

LegacyUser

Thanks for all your replies, suggestions & kindness.

Friends are all settled. When we do meet up it's more for lunch & it can be hard to chat when their kids need feeding or changing etc.

As for children, I would have considered it had I met the right guy had that love & support been there, at 38 I'm getting too old now, even if I did meet someone, it's not something I would rush into.

It's more having someone there for intimacy, the reassuring hug after a long day, being able to talk to & having someone to do things with. I took a break from online dating as I just get messages from guys who want to meet for no strings. I don't want that. I deleted it as it became disheartening.

Throwing myself into work the last few years has made me not dwell on the loneliness as I have put down 60+ hour weeks. Now that has eased a bit, I have more time to think about life & the things that are missing. That hurts the confidence aswell when I look at people & see the happiness they have - family & people that love them. It's a viscous circle!

I'm going to look up more groups and hopefully find something's that I can try in the coming months.

LegacyUser

I've felt similar OP. I had low esteem and life seemed to prove me right time and again until I got sick of it. For me, I went to a counsellor and also discovered an interest in philosophy/spirituality through which I found some lovely and interesting friends. The counselling also helped me look at and question my views about myself and life, and over time they started to change for the better (it took a while but it was definitely a worthwhile process for me!). I started to really see myself as awesome and fun and attractive! (I still can't believe I'm even saying those words and meaning them lol)

And even though I'd dipped in and out of dating over the years with no success, suddenly I found myself on a string of first dates, and a couple of short relationships, all within the last year, something I never thought would happen! It's a pity there are no meetup groups near you... are you anywhere near a city with some that you could pop up for a day/evening? Some of them organise weekends away where you could maybe meet them e.g. surfing/kayaking weekends etc. I find meetups eye-opening, meeting other people who also just want to go out, have fun and who want to meet other people too!

I would recommend looking for something for more fun in your life - in whatever your heart is drawn to, regardless of trying to meet people. I think finding a passion or hobby can ignite a spark within us which feels great for us, but also becomes attractive to others. I discovered a love for dancing, it started with zumba and then I began salsa, which is a bit more sociable. But I think the main thing is find something you enjoy that makes you smile

All the best OP x

Danny Donut

Guest01 wrote: »

On the inside I'm falling apart. I'm so lonely, I hate being single, my self esteem is non existent, I'm starting to loose interest in work after spending years building up my business. I feel so alone and empty.

Last night I went home & broke down. I cried all night. Weekends are torture as I have nobody to spend them with. I go for coffee & shopping but it makes me feel even more isolated & alone looking at others being so happy together.

I'm starting to feel I just can't face into another 30/40 years of life if this is how it's going to be.

Hugz . Relax, take a breath. There are women around in crappy relationships, money problems .. that will look and think - I wish. I don't mean to downplay youur pain, more to say that "The grass is greener.. "

While I have a good figure, I'm not a pretty girl. Some years ago I was in a pub & 2 guys looked at me & laughed at each other commenting about me. It still makes me feel embarrassed. I have never really had much interest from guys & the few who were, just weren't my type. I signed up to online dating recently & put what I wasn't looking for but all the replies were for what I didn't want. I deleted it as I just can't face any more rejection.

Oh dear. We (men) can be complete A/holes at times without putting any effort in. As Yellow something said above - chances are they weren't talking about you.


Good advice as well about the self esteem.

I joined classes pilates, yoga, running etc. to try meet new people but found girls were in their pairs & stuck to themselves. I looked up meet up but there's nothing in my area.

Hummm. Would you try something outside your comfort zone - maybe woodturning or pottery or ...

milli milli

Guest01 wrote: »

they could certainly have been more discreet but I had felt the same all my life, it was like they confirmed what I felt.

You were projecting an ‘unattractive’ vibe and the lads picked up on it. It became a self-fulfilling prophecy.
I agree with another poster, that this is an ideal time to work on your self confidence. Confidence is such an attractive trait. An average-looking but confident girl will be perceived as more attractive than a gorgeous girl with crippling self-esteem. Same goes for guys.

A book recommended to me by a friend was ‘Be your own life coach,’ by Fiona Harrold. I know life coaches get a bad wrap but I find this book to be excellent at changing any negative beliefs about yourself and cultivating a healthy self-esteem.
(I dip into into every now and again when I feel a bit down about something and I feel like a badass who can take on the world!) The book also recommends the power of self-reliance, which is a healthy mindset.

What I do during my ‘single years’ is find all the things I really want to do and then do them - write a book, learn surfing, travel, learn a language, etc, etc.
I go on websites like Bucket List and list all the things I want to do and tick them off my list. There are millions of things to do.
I, like yourself, would like a partner to settle down with, but until he shows up, I have the time to be selfish and do whatever the hell I want! Relationships are great and all but come with compromises and for the time now, you have the time and resources to do whatever you want. It’s actually a pretty exciting time if you can change your way of thinking.

orthsquel

Guest01 wrote: »

. What's niggling at me is I'm starting to loose positivity & interest in trying to meet people - not just guys, but in general. I know I have to change things myself for things to change, it's just I keep trying but nothing is changing.

Guest01 wrote: »

It's more having someone there for intimacy, the reassuring hug after a long day, being able to talk to & having someone to do things with.

A hug from a friend, a colleague in a moment of sadness or upset is never the same thing as a hug from an intimate partner.... And you don't have that right now, so the best you can do is be very, very good to yourself and give yourself those hugs and nice things.

I think you're trying too hard to meet people. You're going to these things with the hope and expectation of meeting new people. Maybe you need to try things that you just want to do without the expectation of meeting new people. Go to something you like and have an interest in, enjoy it for what it is and not be in the frame of mind to meet people, but just to enjoy whatever it is you're going to, and enjoy it thoroughly. It will be more meaningful and fulfilling than joining something or doing something with the sole expectation of meeting people and being left disappointed and disheartened.

I've done it lots of times myself crying and feeling so lonely, feeling alone... dwelling on it and letting it get the better of me, feeling sorry for myself. It achieves nothing but erodes your own self confidence.

You've siblings that you're not close to, would you like to get to know them better, assuming you've an ok relationship to start with?

messy tessy

I heard a great interview this morning that is worth a listen.

https://www.todayfm.com/podcasts/89506/Embracing-The-Power-Of-Your-Mind

LegacyUser

Thanks messy tessy, I will listen to it tonight.

Don't honestly think I'd say I tried too hard, I enjoy exercise so joined the classes for that reason & felt if I met new people then it would be an added bonus.

My family have young kids and we just have never been very close. I have tried a few times to organise meet ups but their lives are busy too.

Will read the book too, thanks for that - and all the advice.

The more I think about, the more I see years of not feeling good enough has taken a toll on my confidence & that's probably my biggest problem at the moment.

who_ru

milli milli wrote: »

It’s actually a pretty exciting time if you can change your way of thinking.

Quote I heard recently - thought I’d put it down here.

It’s easier to act your way into a new way of thinking than think your way into a new way of acting.

OP after reading your post I realized it’s not all bull**** out there. You’re far more resilient and resourceful than half the population. I wish there were more of you.

dellas1979

I can totally empathise OP. Am 39, f.

Ive some good friends. Ive thankfully a few who are childless. It does make a difference as those friends can empathise to the actual/same situation. I also have a dear friend who is married and cant have kids.

I know what its like to be single and feel like this.

I have a good job. I travel quite a bit. Am educated. I started building my own home recently. Am a bit of a "I wonder what will happen if......." person. Ive found myself in some of the most bizaare, funniest, strangest situations. Its a real spice in my life.

My sister has often said to me (married, child) that she would never have the balls to do some of the things I do/get up to. I try and explain well, the only other option is not to do anything/take chances, and stay the same. I want to (continually) develop myself.

I dont have it all cracked tho (who does?). Building the house. Am so proud of myself. Ive achieved something a lot of people will never have an experience of doing. The last few days have been a little bit stressful, and I did think "would it be easier with a partner by my side" at least even to hug and console me, and telling me to keep going.

But alas, with a bit of self love, I get myself going again. Youve to be your own best friend in these situations.

I met an 87 year old man recently. In a few weeks, he is off to Italy to learn Italian in a language school. How f'ing awesome is that! He told me that the biggest advice he could pass on to anyone is to stay curious.

who_ru

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=6ZxzTLcsEEo&feature=share

A lighthearted but also informative view of being single from Bill Maher. Many ways of looking at the same thing.

LegacyUser

We all have a feature or features that we don't like, but our attitude to it makes all the difference and the feature quickly disappears once the conversation starts. A smile, a bit of easy flirtatiousness, a decent sense of humour, all draw people in and it don't take long for us to concentrate on what really matters. Those aren't easy for everyone and in your case your past experiences, family relationships and the fact that you spend so much time alone have probably blunted your skills a little. I would say the short-term solution to that is to go out and make a load of mistakes. Embarrass yourself speed dating, make a hames of flirting somewhere you never have to go back to, whatever, just go and do it and learn that you won't die from chancing your arm. Take someone with you who is great at laughing about those things. It won't take long and I promise you, it’ll make a difference to how you see those interactions.

Guest01 wrote: »

Some years ago I was in a pub & 2 guys looked at me & laughed at each other commenting about me.

I've been one of those guys on many occasions and not once did our conversation go the way you've assumed. Almost always, it was some version of "Go on, chance your arm with her", "You must be joking, she wouldn't give me a second look", followed by us laughing at each other.

I think you need to reset the memory on that incident, it's very, very unlikely to have gone the way you assume, but I think it has hit you so badly that it has become your reality and now you're projecting a lack of confidence that has become the real problem, whether you've become a bit withdrawn, or perhaps defensive, maybe even appearing aggressive or whatever response it is that's holding you back. Putting your criteria on a dating profile may have seemed like a good idea, but it probably just looked a bit full on, too intense. That profile is supposed to be an opening, not a contract offer. Similarly, sitting in the pub projecting the wrong vibe is going to be a barrier.
On the same note, you casually mention your distant family like it had no impact, but I guarantee you that whatever caused your relationship with your siblings to go that way is coming out in all your relationships, and I mean all of them. That might be best addressed through counselling which won't just pay off on that issue, but in every area of your life.

Sheog

Hi Op,

It seems like you really are stuck in a rut, and I totally empathize with you, I have been there myself.

You have so much going for you in your life though, your own successful business, your financial independence & your own home for example. You sound like an awesome, independent, fit and healthy woman who has plenty to offer.

There are lots of post here from people you have never met offering you support as well as advice and suggestions, which is (I am sure) why you have posted in the first place. It seems though, that you have a negative answer or a reason why you shouldn't give each suggestion a go?

For example you say you tried online dating, but it seems to me (and correct me if I picked this up wrong from your posts) that you never actually met anyone through online dating, that you gave up after a few negative messages and are now unwilling to try it again?

There are many different dating apps out there. Tinder and POF are probably the most commonly used, and I have friends who have met their partners (some of who are now married) through these apps. Have you tried aps that you have to pay for? You may find that people on those apps are looking for something more long term?

If you don't like receiving messages out of the blue then I 'd recommend Bumble. When you match with someone, it is up to the woman to 'break the ice' and send the first message. Like with the business you started yourself, you have to put the effort in to get what you want out of it.

You could challenge yourself to fill your weekend with dates; coffee dates/ lunch dates/ Walks/ hikes/ drinks. Your goal could be to go on 2 dates each weekend and to enjoy yourself. Yes, it is massively daunting, but after a few first dates you will get more relaxed and you will find it easier to be yourself each time. Don't put yourself under any pressure to be meeting 'the one' and just go with an open mind and to have fun. One of my friends who tried this approach one weekend when she had nothing else to do, met a great guy on her third date and is still with him (happily) 2 years later.

I think in the meantime it would definitely be worth looking at ways to change your mind set from negative to positive, and to work on building your self confidence. As some have suggested, look at some counselling or maybe something like cogitative behavioral therapy or even a life coach.

I hope you feel better about things from the supportive posts here, and I wish you all the best!

hawley

You know that you need to make changes in your life, but you just don't know how to make a start because you are so lacking in self esteem. It also seems like you're almost sabotaging yourself and expect to get a poor result from any initiative taken in your personal life. You've had these negative thoughts within your head for so long and it's very hard to change that. The incident in the pub is a reflection of what you actually think about yourself. You think that you are ugly and unworthy of having a partner. That it happened is irrelevant, you'd still think the same way, because you've more than likely had the same pattern of thoughts throughout your entire adult life. I don't know if any of this will help you but could I suggest a few things.

1. You are working sixty hours a week. Is there any way that you could reduce those hours so that you can have more time for yourself? Your personal life and mental health is much more important than earning extra money.
2. You need to change your internal voice. You are constantly telling yourself that you are ugly and worthless and that your family don't want anything to do with you. Basically you need to change your internal soundtrack.
3. You have to make a commitment to a long term change in your life and values. Doing a rake of activities like classes, dating and meetups might provide an initial rush but six months later you are back in the same place as before.

Westernyelp

I haven't read all the posts. But please don't let an off the cuff incident with a couple of assholes define you. I don't know you. But I Gaurantee that there are lots of people out there who would look at you and think. She is gorgeous.
It's the way of the world. You need to start believing it yourself if you can.

LegacyUser

Thank you all SO much for your posts. Some really strike a chord with me.

Online dating, I tried Tinder & POF. When the messages were too crude for me, I just deleted them. The few I did meet, 1 was marred, 1 was looking for "fun" away from his partner, a few there was just no thing in common, I met 2 guys for a few weeks but it felt forced. I kept my bio short, I did say not looking for "no strings", wanted to meet & see from that. I just felt there was no chemistry with the guys I was messaging when I met them in person.

Family, we just went down different routes. I messaged my sister last weekend to see if they were free to meet some weekend soon, she said they have a holiday & wedding etc. over the next few weekends. For so long I have tried to reach out but when people are busy & living life, there are only so many times before you stop asking.

Work, I threw myself into it from 29 to 33/34. It was probably a way to cope after loosing my parents. 34 to now, I have tried the classes, online dating & putting a positive outlook on things, but after 4 years, I see that I have lost that positivity. I guess that's why I came here.

I know I am being negative towards some of the suggestions here, some things are just completely out of my comfort zone, some I will try. When you feel so low, it isn't easy to just do some things. I must sound incredibly selfish too, there are so many people who have real problems, ill health, financially, unhealthy relationships etc., it's just recently, this is eating away at me.

I have reduced my hours slightly over the last 8 weeks & that is allowing me more time to think about things. I think I need to find some form of counseling, it's just to figure out what is best. Apologies for the long post & thanks again to you all.

wingsof daun

I;m sorry you feel that soul destroying emptiness o.p. You are not getting enough out of life. It seems a lot of women are clicky or don't easily let you into their friend circle.
If you got a friend, male perhaps, and it could gradually become a relationship, you may find happiness. Perhaps you have build a negativity that is scaring some men away. Of course never blame yourself for this.

LolaJJ

OP! You're awesome!!!! Having your own profitable business that you built from the ground up is so impressive. Clearly you were ballsy enough to believe in yourself and get it working. It's a pity you have gotten a bit bored/tired of it but maybe there's a way to make it exciting again and find that drive and passion you must have had to get it to where it is!!!

I can't believe someone asked you about beauty treatments and you responded saying it was your features and you might get botox . I know it will sound anecdotal but like even the most beautiful woman in the world will be unattractive if she is not confident. Similarly, and I know it's happened to me in the past, I've been attracted to guys who look like the back-end of a bus just because they are incredibly charismatic and charming.

I think you could really benefit from doing some kind of confidence booster workshop, it really feels like you might be standing in your own way a little bit.

Also, for the record, I am " pretty" by general standards, as in, my features are all in the right place but back when I was dating I always felt insecure discussing my achievements with regard to work or my teeeny apartment, old banger of a car.

Focus on your strengths!