Partner going mental over something I said while grieving

ohaye87

my Mam died unexpectedly 3 weeks ago (12months after my dad died) so it’s being a horrible year, me and my girlfriend are together 15 months and she’s currently 4 months pregnant and was planned had planned to get engaged and all,ring was picked out (happy days) never had any real arguments but about 4 or 5 weeks into the pregnancy she lost all interest in me was blaming hormones but things got worse and worse as the weeks went, we don’t currently live together she’s in uk and I’m in Ireland but had planned to be together by September , back in May she said she didn’t want to sleep with me anymore (blaming my snoring fair enough) but wasn’t a issue before , went to the point that she’d have no contact with me, when I would ring or text it would be one or two word reply, at the moment we see each other every 2weeks and when I’d be over it would be the same, we would be sitting in silence, but if anyone came in or she’s out she’s all chat with everyone, doesn’t share anything about the pregnancy with me, her mother actually told me she’d decided on a name (something I thought we could talk about and pick together as we talked about it before she got pregnant ) her mother even told me a few weeks back it’s like she wants to be a single mum now(so she’s picked up on it) I’m just playing along and saying nothing as I don’t want a argument but the past few weeks has changed everything, as I said in the beginning Mam died suddenly and unexpectedly few weeks back and I was in a awful awful state, she didn’t come over to the funeral but strangely told me not to come over for a while as she couldn’t offer much help... day after the funeral i asked her to give me a ring as I was alone and lonely, obviously I was crying on the phone I was angry with the world and upset and don’t no what I was saying , but I stupidly made a comment , if I can’t see you I might as well jump of a bridge I don’t no why I said it but I was crying and emotional at the time and I actually don’t remember saying it I have never said anything like it before but I do have mental health problems, I hadn’t thought anymore about it or even remembered saying it until she brought it up on Wednesday, I was living alone and just wanted to see her even for a day trip, when I eventually got over 10 days later , she’s saying I’m trying to guilt trip her to come over or let me over, and now doesn’t no where we go from here and wants a big talk on Sunday she went mental over it

I explained I was in a shocking place and apologized many times but she said just cause your Mam died is no excuse... now she’s bringing up little things I said over the year (things you wouldn’t even pay attention to mostly throw away comments) for example we’d tickets to a concert months back and she didn’t want to go I said I’d nearly go myself as I’d looked forward to it for months, but she’s using this as Another example of me guilt tripping her (and that was never the case or intention) I think she’s using this is as a way out of the relationship, I’m already very upset over Mam so don’t need this stress, anything else I can say to fix it ?

khaldrogo

Sounds like the relationship is over. Are you sure you are the father?

One_Of_Shanks

ohaye87 wrote: »

I think she’s using this is as a way out of the relationship

See the thing with relationships is usually, after taking a bit of stock and time, there's inevitably your gut instinct telling you something. It's usually right.

The sentence above is what your gut instinct is telling you and from the stuff you said in your post, I'd say your gut instinct is bang on the money.

There's also the possibility that she's uncertain about the relationship and just having doubts and is trying to push you away until she figures out what she wants. She's being cruel as this is a tough time for you but people can be that way when they're self absorbed in their own feelings.

Either way, I'd avoid contact with her like hell and just give it time. See if she contacts you but don't come across as needy and don't instigate communication.
If she contacts you, keep replies cool and brief and give it a bit of time.

Go through the grieving process for you mum and also try to get out and socialise, go for walks too and do whatever you can to get outside of your own head for a couple weeks and then see how things look.

Above all, do whatever you can to distract yourself from her and avoid contacting her for a while.

Just a bit of time can do wonders sometimes and if the relationship really is doomed, you'll still be in a better place to deal with it after a couple weeks, coz you cant be thinking clearly right now after all this.

I'd get off the internet soon too and the phone too, and just get out and be around pals and go walking, fishing, jogging, whatever just give yourself a break from your own worries. Get out basically. And play for time.

Sorry about your Ma by the way.

Dial Hard

You planned a baby after less than a year of being together and not even living in the same country??? I'm trying very hard not to be judgmental here, OP, but effing hell.

Anyway, as you've said, you've had an incredibly tough year. Your partner should be your rock throughout this and instead she's behaving like a spoilt teenager. Yes, she's hormonal but being pregnant is not a carte blanche to be a total fecking geebag for the duration.

I think you need to have a very, very long, hard think about what life married to this woman would be like. If she's acting like this now, I can honestly only see her behaviour going in one direction once you put a ring on it.

Best of luck, and I'm really sorry about your losses.

Ursus Horribilis

I'm sorry to read about what you're going through. Seeing as you have mental health issues, have you sought any additional help for it?

Reading this, I'm not sure you should even try to save this relationship. I'm genuinely shocked at how cruel your girlfriend was towards you when your mum died. Even if there was a genuine reason why she couldn't travel to the funeral, the least she could've done was been a shoulder for you to cry on over the phone. Does she even like you, I wonder?

This is a relatively short relationship and maybe it's only now that you're starting to see the real her. I can only go by what you've told us but she doesn't sound like a nice person at all. She seems to have shut you out and wants to plough her own furrow. Can I ask - was the baby planned or was it an accident? Part of me is wondering did she use you as a means to get pregnant? Now that you've done your bit, she doesn't need you? I'm also wondering is the child yours, a question already raised earlier in the thread?

I think for now, your priority should be to get any help you need for your mental health issues. This girlfriend of yours doesn't sound like she's willing or able to help you but there are other people who will.

ohaye87

Ursus Horribilis wrote: »

I'm sorry to read about what you're going through. Seeing as you have mental health issues, have you sought any additional help for it?

Reading this, I'm not sure you should even try to save this relationship. I'm genuinely shocked at how cruel your girlfriend was towards you when your mum died. Even if there was a genuine reason why she couldn't travel to the funeral, the least she could've done was been a shoulder for you to cry on over the phone. Does she even like you, I wonder?

This is a relatively short relationship and maybe it's only now that you're starting to see the real her. I can only go by what you've told us but she doesn't sound like a nice person at all. She seems to have shut you out and wants to plough her own furrow. Can I ask - was the baby planned or was it an accident? Part of me is wondering did she use you as a means to get pregnant? Now that you've done your bit, she doesn't need you? I'm also wondering is the child yours, a question already raised earlier in the thread?

I think for now, your priority should be to get any help you need for your mental health issues. This girlfriend of yours doesn't sound like she's willing or able to help you but there are other people who will.

Thank you it was planned, honestly thought she was the one, but everything changed as soon as she got pregnant, I really hope I’m the father I would be very surprised if I wasn’t. But I’m starting to think I was used to get the job done.. she’s always said she wanted a child more than anything..
Thank you for the advice I’m under care at the moment for my mental health and on tablets daily

wiggle16

I'm really sorry you went through all this. Your head must be all over the place.

OP, I would not try to salvage this relationship.

She has completely disconnected herself from you, right at the time where you need her most. She didn't even bother to go to your mother's funeral. I think that says it all. She's deserted you.

On top of that, she has left Ireland and has been giving you the cold shoulder, not keeping you informed about the pregnancy and has apparently already picked out a name. OP, I'm not trying to upset you further but it sounds like she has already made her mind up and does not consider herself in a relationship with you. With the mother, I would have a very strong suspicion that she has already told her mother she considers it over between yous, and the mother is trying to hint at that. That's just a hunch, granted, but I don't see why the mother would use that wording otherwise - that's not something she's just picked up on. It's not the mother's place to say, unless she's been told.

She is treating you dreadfully and has said some horrible things to you, and all while you are going through one of the worst things life throws at us. She sounds like a horrifically selfish person, if I'm honest. You deserve better than this - ask yourself if you could ever see yourself treating a person you love the way she has treated you. I'm sure you wouldn't.

Don't try to fix this, OP. Whatever you decide to do with regards the baby, I would strongly encourage you to think about the baby outside of the terms of a relationship. She wants out, so let her go. You don't deserve to be treated like this, especially so soon after the death of a parent.

Best of luck and please look after yourself, OP.
XXX

zoobizoo

Sounds like it is well over.

The silence towards you and then all chat with others tells me that she does not want to be with you . That and all the rest.

The Princess Bride

ohaye87 wrote: »

But I’m starting to think I was used to get the job done.. she’s always said she wanted a child more than anything..
Thank you for the advice I’m under care at the moment for my mental health and on tablets daily

My condolences on the loss of your mother.
Look after yourself and give yourself as much time as you need to grieve.
There's no magic formula, and this scenario with this so called girlfriend isn't gonna help.

Sounds like she used you to get a baby
If her own mother says it's like she wants to be a single mum, well, enough said.

Leave her be for now.
Concentrate on yourself.
Take care.

pq0n1ct4ve8zf5

That is a horrendous way to treat someone. It's very possible the relationship is over, but honestly, bad as the situation is with baby on the way, you're better off. God alone knows what she'd have you grovelling to her about in five, ten, fifteen years if she's got you like this after fifteen months. If she's willing to end the relationship over this, I think you're right, she's looking for a way out.

Not sure what advice to offer on that specific issue, but one thing I would say is please take a metaphorical deep breath and slow down for the next year or so. Look after yourself and your mental health and your child and let yourself grieve. Don't go making any big decisions or changes like, for example, starting a family with someone you barely know.

When you say the plan is to be together by September, is that her moving here or you over there?

Church on Tuesday

Sorry to hear about your Mother OP.

This is a rough time for you and you have had a lot to process within a short period of time.

I strongly urge you to surround yourself with family and friends and to keep communicating with people about how you feel. When you are up to it, try and seek some counselling so that you can fully process your feelings and what your plans might be for the future, a professional counselor will help you greatly with this.

As for your GF, she doesn't care about you, only her own circumstances, as a previous poster has also mentioned. If she did, she would be there for you now. I've been there myself and I know how unpleasant that feeling is. It also takes time to come to terms with that.

I would strongly advise you to seek a paternity test if that is at all possible as well.

You come across as a very caring individual, some day a better person will realise this. Keep strong and look after yourself.

orthsquel

I'm very sorry for your losses, OP, it has been an awful year for you.

She sounds very cold and emotionless towards you. You said it was around a few weeks after her pregnancy that things started to change. But can you recall anything before that? You'd no fights or arguments really from what you've said, but was she engaging with you in your company, was everything "normal" in the relationship for a recently-together, loved up couple?

Is she living with her mother that her mother knows about a baby name and her take on things? How are you in contact with her mother?

I'm not sure how you can fix things, there is nothing to actually fix, as it seems whatever is going on in your girlfriend's head she is choosing not to share it with you and discouraging the relationship. Emotionally, physically, as a partner, she seems to have checked out of the relationship a long time ago without explanation. And seems happy to push you away in passive-aggressiveness. Perhaps, from her point of view, she feels neglected and alone in her pregnancy because you've been dealing with so much. If her behaviour and communication is a complete 360 from 12 months ago something is certainly wrong, and she isn't willing to discuss it or have you discuss it with her in person. However, the two of you had plans to be married and a child, I think you are owed an explanation on her change of behaviour and lack of communication, and to be enlightened to what is going on in your relationship, if there even is still a relationship.

TheBoyConor

Sounds like a fairly crap year for you OP.
Sorry for your loss of your parents, that must be awfully hard to bear in such a short time frame.

Your "gf" or ex as she would now effectively seem to be was very cold and cruel about it.

Unfortunately it would seem to me that she wanted a baby and having a boyfriend such as yourself was a means to an end in that regard. Awful behaviour from her.

She may well be giving you the cold shoulder now and refusing contact but rest assured, once this baby arrives she will probably be going to great lengths to contact you in order to hound you for money for baby related expenses and maintenance. Guaranteed 100%.
Note that I'm not suggesting that you should not be contributing or that she is not entitled to aid - you absolutely have to contribute now, there's no two ways about it.
What I am saying is that she is a user by the sounds of it and she will dip in and out of this "relationship" when it suits her or when she thinks she can tap you up for resources.
I'm just making you aware of what is coming down the line so you can be emotionally and legally prepared for it.

I'm very sorry for your loss and your circumstances, OP.

All I can tell you is that a caring partner would move heaven and earth to be with someone they love when they've lost a parent. To behave so coldly when you need caring for the most is cruel and selfish, and you should take all the time you need to decide what you want from life and how to proceed.

I would encourage a paternity test, and I wouldn't make any decisions about moving country etc for a long time yet. Even if things are going well, grief can skew our perceptions.

Take care and good luck.

Gwynplaine

Sounds like a horrible situation. She doesn't sound like a very nice person. Sorry for your loss.

Also, very difficult to read.

heretothere

Sorry to hear about your mam, it's only been 3 weeks your head is still all over the place.

Your girlfriend sounds like a b*ach! If she can't be there for you now when will she be there.

ohaye87

Thanks for the reply’s guys she’s totally cut me loose anyway , after her talk doesn’t want me moving now as she said we can’t afford to live together yet (which we can) and said be no room anyway,. Her mother will remain in her room, she’ll have her room and baby in the spare,. Her words I’m not being kept awake by your snoring so she gave me two options rent a place on my own (which she knows I hate being on my own due to a number of reasons) or come and go as you are

We had a gender scan during the week she was all hugs and emotional with the mother and just blanked me

Then I was having many breakdowns during the week about Mam, since I came home 3 days again she’s not made any contact to see was I okay ’

I honestly don’t no why I’m bent treated like this,. I no the relationship is over but how could someone change like this ? the past 12 months or so before she got pregnant was fab so I don’t deserve this treatment, I treated her amazingly every day, unless I stood on my head I couldn’t do anymore..

rizzee

She sounds like a c!nt, stay clear and focus on your child. Keep the head up.

One_Of_Shanks

ohaye87 wrote: »

Thanks for the reply’s guys she’s totally cut me loose anyway , after her talk doesn’t want me moving now as she said we can’t afford to live together yet (which we can) and said be no room anyway,. Her mother will remain in her room, she’ll have her room and baby in the spare

We had a gender scan during the week she was all hugs and emotional with the mother and just blanked me

I treated her amazingly every day, unless I stood on my head I couldn’t do anymore..

She used you to have a baby without wanting a partner and probably wanted to give her mum a grand-kid. The mum is taking "your" role on.

The whole thing is miles beyond warped. This girl sounds absolutely toxic to do this to another human being.

Most people want to make their folks happy. A few place a bit too much emphasis on it. But this girl takes the biscuit.
She's effectively made her mum the kid's second parent.
Possibly they planned it all along, she sounds cruel enough to be capable of it and Im guessing the mum is far from innocent in all this.

It's the type of thing that would scar the strongest of people for life OP but you need to accept that this girl is a cunning manipulative person before you decide what to do next.

ohaye87

One_Of_Shanks wrote: »

It's the type of thing that would scar the strongest of people for life OP but you need to accept that this girl is a cunning manipulative person before you decide what to do next.

I’ll be honest it’s definitely scaring me, I’m a very sensitive person and very upset by it all, I no now I shouldn’t of agreed to this so soon but I honestly thought we’d always be together... I was a bigger fool to actually think anyone would actually want me...

One_Of_Shanks

ohaye87 wrote: »

I’ll be honest it’s definitely scaring me, I’m a very sensitive person and very upset by it all, I no now I shouldn’t of agreed to this so soon but I honestly thought we’d always be together... I was a bigger fool to actually think anyone would actually want me...

Of course you'll find someone else. Get that thought out of your head.

You just happened to be unlucky enough to get involved with a nutter.

Just make sure you keep her at arms length and be wary of her. But dont let her put you off women in general or let her affect your confidence.

power pants

Get a dna as soon as it’s born, hopefully it’s not yours and you can leave all that mess behind

Teyla Emmagan

I wonder if you even made that comment about the bridge. You can't remember saying it and you said it would be put of character. Maybe she is gaslighting you.

Either way, unfortunately if sounds like she is a wrong 'un. I think you might need to take a break from her, she's certainly doing you no good at the moment. Prioritise yourself for the next while. You have had a terrible year. Get some grief counselling and look after your mental health.

I am very sorry to hear about your Mam.

Dial Hard

ohaye87 wrote:

I was a bigger fool to actually think anyone would actually want me...

Just on this OP - please don't ever, ever think this way. You sound like a genuine, loving, caring and sensitive person. None of those are bad things, you just got taken in by a user. You were naive, yes, but please don't beat yourself up about that forever. You did nothing wrong here other than trust someone a bit too quickly and you'll go a long qay before you find one of us who hasn't done that. Keep your head up and be kind to yourself. You've been through the wringer in the past year or so, give yourself a break.

charlietheminxx

I don’t have much advice to offer but just wanted to say that my heart goes out to you OP. Nobody deserves to be treated like that, especially by someone they love.

She sounds like an awful person. You’ve had a rough time and I hope you’re getting good support from other people in your life.

It will be ok. You will meet someone who deserves your love and gives you the same back, it just won’t be this selfish woman.

ohaye87

so she sort of made contact yesterday as it was Mam months mine mass last night, very short message just said hope it goes okay... I was nice to her as I wasn’t getting into a argument as I needed to be in a good head space for the mass, so just texted back thanks and asked how she was ? Never replied....

Later she told me the reason she didn’t make contact since I came home was because she’d a hospital appointment (non baby related) on Thursday morning which I honestly forgot about with everything going on and didn’t ask her how it went.I explained I totally forgot with everything going on, but she went on saying how could you forget I told you the day before,it would of being nice to show me you cared enough to take two minutes to ask, I’ve always asked and showed a interest like, just a oversight this time, I apologized and asked how it went but she’s back ignoring me again now , I really want to tell her to F off but don’t want to end any chance I’ve got with my child (that’s if it’s mine)

Ghekko

I'd be getting legal advice as regards guardianship, access to baby at this stage - best to be prepared and have knowledge of how the UK system works in that regard. I daresay when baby arrives you won't be hearing much from her, as at that point she will have exactly what she set out to get - a baby all to herself.

Church on Tuesday

ohaye87 wrote: »

so she sort of made contact yesterday as it was Mam months mine mass last night, very short message just said hope it goes okay... I was nice to her as I wasn’t getting into a argument as I needed to be in a good head space for the mass, so just texted back thanks and asked how she was ? Never replied....

Later she told me the reason she didn’t make contact since I came home was because she’d a hospital appointment (non baby related) on Thursday morning which I honestly forgot about with everything going on and didn’t ask her how it went.I explained I totally forgot with everything going on, but she went on saying how could you forget I told you the day before,it would of being nice to show me you cared enough to take two minutes to ask, I’ve always asked and showed a interest like, just a oversight this time, I apologized and asked how it went but she’s back ignoring me again now , I really want to tell her to F off but don’t want to end any chance I’ve got with my child (that’s if it’s mine)

She's just messing with your head OP. I can absolutely guarantee you, from experience, that she doesn't give a toss about you. You've been through hell and guess what, she's making it all about her again.

Your only concerns now are your own personal well being and that of your childs. She'll be fine don't you worry, people like her will make sure of that.

Look after yourself and I wish you the very best.

ohaye87

Brakes me heart to say this and I need to build up the courage but tonight she’s getting the P45 once and for all!

We’d some kind of normal conversation last night, talked about the baby, her, how I was feeling normal enough stuff...

Then come 1am this morning I got a message on messenger from her mother, saying... (obviously not using her name) but said I no your having a hard time but ****** is feeling like you’ve forgot about her and the baby.... (which is rubbish btw)

Shouldn’t have too but I explained that wasn’t true and I was always asking her and doing my best... then she gave me another dig she was in the hospital the other day and you never asked how it went, which I already explained about,
The next text was even more strange I know you’ve lost your Mam but now you need to prove your Committed to to this baby and it’s up to you what’s more important, ffs I’ve always being committed just the past 4 weeks my head is all over the place, I can’t help that....
Last message was the final straw and I didn’t reply to it, you told her you’d love to go to a hotel for a few nights, that doesn’t help things you should be putting that money in the baby box and buying stuff(which I’ll add I’ve being doing,along with paying half towards everything)

I thought a few nights away with clear my head but apparently that’s not allowed

So I’ve had enough, I don’t deserve this treatment, this is what she wants I’d imagine, me to dump her so she can play the my boy friend fecked off card...

And this girl is going on 30 why the hell is her mother getting involved in a adult relationship!!

some other poor chap is welcome to her..
I’ll flight and provide for my child but as far as I’m concerned she doesn’t exist

Ghekko

Don't engage with her mother at all. If she texts again just tell her you will discuss any concerns with your girlfriend. You need to tread carefully as if she cuts you off completely you may not get to see the baby for some time once born. Again, get legal advice as to what needs to be done when baby arrives.

professore

ohaye87 wrote: »

I’ll be honest it’s definitely scaring me, I’m a very sensitive person and very upset by it all, I no now I shouldn’t of agreed to this so soon but I honestly thought we’d always be together... I was a bigger fool to actually think anyone would actually want me...

I'll let you in on a secret. There are lots of crazy women out there. You just met one. Just thank your lucky stars you found out at this stage. Sucks to have a child out there that you won't be able to see but that's how the law works unfortunately.

The fact she thought you worthy of inseminating her means you must be reasonably attractive. So you will find someone else.