Online dating

Dublingirl80

Is it just me or has everything changed when it comes to dating in Ireland. I've been on online dates over the last few years, but I feel now it has become really hard to meet someone who gives it a real shot. It seems as if there is an endless supply of people so people are just jumping from person to person and not even giving people a real chance. I'm probably guilty of it myself and do agree you really want a spark and connection, but has online dating caused people to treat each other differently? Almost as if nobody is good enough? Just curious if others are finding it the same?

shakeitoff

Of course it has. It's a lions den out there, Darwin was right, survival of the fitness, only the strongest survive. Be desirable and have your pick or find yourself undesirable and at best find yourself being disposable. If you think it's bad for you, you should see how it's like for men.

ginandtonicsky

Without a doubt. Getting a date for the night has become a similar process to ordering a pizza, that fast food mentality that grows out of "swiping" on the human faces that you like means that people treat others like commodities and not unique individuals who should be measured on their own merits and not against the dozens of other people that may be potentially "better".

Personally it's not for me, and to make that decision as an early 30s single woman means I have to force myself to be more sociable and to have other avenues to meet men, because I'm something of an anomaly. Everyone's on tinder!

I've been single about a year, getting over a relationship so not exactly looking but have been asked out in different places, one at a random house party of a work colleague, one an old friend who expressed feelings after a few nights out with our circle of friends, one a guy I had a thing with before my ex that suddenly moved back to my city, one a familiar face at a work conference. So there is life after dating apps!! I guess you just have to decide if the constant swiping and conveyor belt of dates that go nowhere is something you want to do - there's always those happy ending stories where someone goes on 99 dates, nearly throws in the towel and Mr 100 is the man of her dreams of course. Is it worth holding out for that? Personally, no, call me old fashioned but I prefer the face to face way, and how things can build slowly without any pressure in ordinary social environments.

kob29

It's a few years since I was online dating but I found that when I rewrote the profile to be very specific about what and who I wasn't interested in that it sorted out a lot of time wasters. I got a small bit of backlash from divorcees/ single parents (Im not a kid fan) but it did the trick. Also I stopped the going for a drink/coffee dates and only met anyone after messaging for a few weeks at least and then did something activity based of mutual interest. These steps did filter out the time wasters, incompatible creatures out there because to them it seemed to come across as a bit of a bitch...fine by me! I got someone nice from it

Scarinae

For me some of it was an age thing - when I was in college for example I was meeting new people all the time because there were always parties, events, trips, etc. I think it's harder to make new friends and to meet potential dates when you're older and people have their jobs and their routines, and parties don't seem to be as big.

I see online dating as just another way of meeting people really - sometimes it's luck but you can definitely improve the way you're using it. I don't know which platform(s) you've been using but try out a few different ones - some people prefer the convenience of the apps like Tinder, Bumble and Happn but others can find them a bit shallow. Websites like Plenty of Fish and Ok Cupid have scope for matching you more based on your personality and interests, there are others too but sometimes there's a geographical element so others may not be as popular in Ireland.

Other general advice would be to have a few pictures of yourself for the other person to look through, and the more relevant information you have on your profile the more likely they are to know whether you'd get on. It's unbelievable the number of profiles that are just blank or just have things like 'I hate filling out these things lol' or 'I'll come back and update this later'.

People also have different opinions on how soon you should meet someone - some people think you should try to arrange a date as soon as possible to see if there's a spark. Others are happy chatting for months before meeting up. Personally I would like to at least have an interesting conversation going before meeting, as I'm not going to waste my time going out if the person seems dull or to not have much in common with me. I'm very comfortable with text conversations though, everyone is different.

I'm one of the mods of a private forum here on boards about online dating, if you'd like to chat to other people who are doing online dating you can request access in this thread (it's not for meeting potential dates, it's for chatting about online dating itself)

professore

Seems to me that tinder is objectification of people. Nothing to go on other than looks - and fake looks at that.

hairyprincess

professore wrote: »

Seems to me that tinder is objectification of people. Nothing to go on other than looks - and fake looks at that.

I had that opinion of Tinder too until I went on it. There is space for you to fill out a bio so it’s not just about looks.

Personally for my partner and I, we never would have met outside of Tinder. Neither of us go out. We work in completely different industries and live an hour from each other so our paths just wouldn’t have crossed.

Daisy78

ginandtonicsky wrote: »

Personally it's not for me, and to make that decision as an early 30s single woman means I have to force myself to be more sociable and to have other avenues to meet men, because I'm something of an anomaly. Everyone's on tinder!

I've been single about a year, getting over a relationship so not exactly looking but have been asked out in different places, one at a random house party of a work colleague, one an old friend who expressed feelings after a few nights out with our circle of friends, one a guy I had a thing with before my ex that suddenly moved back to my city, one a familiar face at a work conference. So there is life after dating apps!! I guess you just have to decide if the constant swiping and conveyor belt of dates that go nowhere is something you want to do - there's always those happy ending stories where someone goes on 99 dates, nearly throws in the towel and Mr 100 is the man of her dreams of course. Is it worth holding out for that? Personally, no, call me old fashioned but I prefer the face to face way, and how things can build slowly without any pressure in ordinary social environments.

That's great for you but I guess not everyone is that lucky/popular!! If you go years without getting asked for your number or even approached in "real life", what do you do? I know lots of single ladies who despite having lots to offer just haven't had those opportunities and have to resort to online dating. It's either that or continue to expand your social life until it pays dividends or try a new approach which might offer better odds..

ginandtonicsky

Daisy78 wrote: »

That's great for you but I guess not everyone is that lucky/popular!! If you go years without getting asked for your number or even approached in "real life", what do you do? I know lots of single ladies who despite having lots to offer just haven't had those opportunities and have to resort to online dating. It's either that or continue to expand your social life until it pays dividends or try a new approach which might offer better odds..

Don't think I'd be describing myself as especially popular with guys tbh. I mean I'm long enough in the tooth to know that people consider me attractive, but it's more a case of meeting a fair amount of men in my work/social life and because I've removed online dating as an option, I'm probably a bit more 'out there' as a result. I'd be quite socially confident.

What I've learned from not having the fall-back option of swiping and cherry picking a half a dozen dates to fill my social schedule is that meeting someone is a two-way street, you can't sit back and wait to be 'noticed' much like most things in life. I've never had a guy come up and randomly ask for my number without there having been a good deal of interaction, conversation, flirting and often friendship beforehand. That's not the way of things in Ireland and in most countries bar maybe America.

You have to create those opportunities for yourself, and it's tough when you're that bit older and the pool is smaller, but rest assured there's always single people out there and in my case, I'd rather the familiarity of friendship or friends/industries/hobbies in common than sitting across from random guy after random guy week after week and hoping for some magic to happen between all the swiping.

leggo

Dublingirl80 wrote: »

Is it just me or has everything changed when it comes to dating in Ireland. I've been on online dates over the last few years, but I feel now it has become really hard to meet someone who gives it a real shot. It seems as if there is an endless supply of people so people are just jumping from person to person and not even giving people a real chance. I'm probably guilty of it myself and do agree you really want a spark and connection, but has online dating caused people to treat each other differently? Almost as if nobody is good enough? Just curious if others are finding it the same?

I was dating someone a while back who accused me of ‘not giving it a shot’ when I’d been out with her like 6 times in 2 weeks. I didn’t know what else to say, I think sometimes if people like you they just want a stick to beat you with if you don’t feel the same, like you should force yourself into more situations that are doing absolutely nothing for you because of some sense of duty towards the integrity of dating. Sometimes it’s just not there. Sometimes people approach it the wrong way and need to work on themselves but don’t want to face that and blame the world instead.

I do remember the days you’d kiss someone or whatever on a night out and it’d be assumed then that you would be dating and so on. I still ended up single in the end then too. And given you’re still dating OP, so did you. So the end results from the ‘give love a chance’ generation are pretty much identical.

Personally, as a guy, I think online and increase in choice has made it better, you’d ‘put up with’ a lot more back then too and take it on the chin. It was a very women-focused market where women could pretty much just get a guy any night if they wanted (still the case btw) and guys had to work harder for it. I used to always hate that phrase “get lucky” when it came to pulling on a night out, like you had to have luck on your side to be deserving of attention from another human. You don’t hear that kind of tone around it anymore. Now it’s much more equal, and equality is always good right? As a decent lad who has a history of treating partners well, I’m aware that there’s a high demand of women who’d be happy to have someone like me and don’t need to tolerate crappy treatment from crazies because I can always find someone else. People are open to more casual arrangements if that’s what you’re after, slut-shaming of women isn’t considered acceptable anymore, women can and do approach men now, and so on. If you want someone serious, look for that, know what you like and don’t like, then make sure you treat them well because they’re a swipe or two away from finding someone else who will if you don’t. (I was only saying yesterday how it’s mad in myself these days, I used to train to look good while single to attract girls and get lazy when in a relationship, now it’s the opposite and I get lazier while single because someone will still come along, and if I like them I hit the gym like a demon to make sure they don’t lose interest) That’s a pretty fair cultural shift for everyone, and while I get how it can be frustrating if someone’s prospects are affected because they used to do better the old way, I’d say it’s just a case of having to update their approach than there being something inherently wrong with the way things are.

ginandtonicsky

That's a good point Leggo made about rejection actually. Rejection sucks, whether you've met someone online or through social circles or where ever, it just sucks. I had a guy accuse me of being "cold" recently, because he asked me out and I did what I thought was the right thing by being direct and telling him it was bad timing - true, getting over an ex - and I wished him the best - true, he's a lovely fella. He felt one way, I didn't, and that's always going to be sh1t for someone.

I think the thing with online is that you're going to probably face more of that, because of the multitude of people and swiping and dates that you'll probably go on. It's a lot more systematic, methodological, and people move faster online than the do when they meet someone elsewhere IME. For lots of people that's great - it does mean that lots of men probably have more perceived choice these days than leaving it to chance/ fate / hoping that they meet someone along the way. The other side is there's going to be far more scenarios of mismatched feelings - for me the overriding experience was I fancied him, he didn't and vice versa. That is what 99% of dating is to be fair, there wouldn't be 'dating' if those feelings were mutual with every guy you meet!

So the question becomes - can you handle that sort of stuff? Constant rejections or rejecting? You do need a thick skin for it and you need to buy into that systematic approach to dating, where emotions don't get invested right away and you're willing to face a lot of "nice but meh" or "I think he's great but oh look he ghosted me" scenarios with a view to finally finding your 'person'. I do think that a LOT of messers and time-wasters and serial daters and commitmentphobes and ego-maniacs get caught up in that process, and that was ultimately where I decided to cop out.

Idle Passerby

With online dating a lot of people seem to favour meeting as many people as possible at the soonest convenience - the numbers game approach. I think this is what wears people down. You end up wasting so much personal time and energy on people you ultimately have no interest in so there's an inevitable rejection from one side or the other.

I think it's a better approach to build up some form of rapport before meeting up, that way they aren't as much of a stranger in the first meeting and you aren't going into it with the attitude of "will this total stranger be the love of my life". Rather your just meeting up with someone you get on with online.

milli milli

ginandtonicsky wrote: »

I do think that a LOT of messers and time-wasters and serial daters and commitmentphobes and ego-maniacs get caught up in that process, and that was ultimately where I decided to cop out.

This has been my experience of online dating too. Even with conversations where I thought they seemed interested in me, other than as a sex object, and they seemed like a ‘nice guy’, ultimately they were just looking for something casual.
I’ve signed up several times and it was the same old thing again - all of the above encountered. Finding a nice, attractive man who wants a relationship was like finding a needle in a haystack.

I think it’s way too easy for guys (and gals if that’s what they’re looking for) to have casual encounters. And if you live in a big city, you have so much choice, if you’re not bad looking. Until guys get tired of the casual stage in their lives, then why would they stop. It’s just meeting them at the right time when they want something more meaningful in their lives and that boils down to luck.

It’s a pity potential partners don’t come with traffic lights over their head - red=commitmentphobes, amber=casual but open to something with the right person, green=relationship material. Or something like that. Instead of wasting time trying to figure out their motives.

leggo

For what it’s worth, as a guy, when I’m on these apps then generally I’m looking for something, whether actively or not. So, even if I go on with the intention of just chatting to people and seeing what’s out there, if my perfect girl matched with me I’d get my **** together and start getting into relationship mode.

In other words, if I say I’m “just looking for casual”, what I actually mean is “I think you’re perfectly fine and wouldn’t mind meeting you, but I don’t feel strongly enough about you to see this as a relationship and am gonna keep looking for that if we do date”. I’d imagine most lads, and a lot of women too, are the same. I think that’s what ‘looking for casual’ means for the most part in this context.

LegacyUser

I personally think men on these sites have a gambling mentality and always look for something better irrespective whether they realise their perceived attractiveness or other qualities. Women on other hand have more realistic approach judging from my observations over the years. For instance, on tinder and pof a lot of times you see the same faces there again and again after a long time which gives an insight that either they are serial daters or have unrealistic standards driven by social media etc

zapper55

I don't know about it just being men that think like that. I'm female and I've certainly developed a sweet shop mentality (i.e always another person around the corner) from it. I went off it then as it wasn't a healthy way to view dating.

Plopsu

Tried it. Hated it. Lasted about a month. It's like all the worst sh*t people do scraped off the floor, rolled into a ball and put online.

Debtocracy

ali72897382 wrote: »

I personally think men on these sites have a gambling mentality and always look for something better irrespective whether they realise their perceived attractiveness or other qualities. Women on other hand have more realistic approach judging from my observations over the years. For instance, on tinder and pof a lot of times you see the same faces there again and again after a long time which gives an insight that either they are serial daters or have unrealistic standards driven by social media etc

It’s interesting that you say this as all the evidence points to women having unrealistic standards online. And why shouldn’t they, an average woman could have an 85% match rate online, while the average man barely gets a 1% match rate. With so much choice for women, standards become inflated and suddenly a tall, professional, handsome guy begins to be perceived as just average (when in reality he’s in the top 10% of guys).

https://www.zdnet.com/article/ten-fake-profiles-one-okcupid-experiment-okcupid-on-trial/

https://medium.com/@worstonlinedater/tinder-experiments-ii-guys-unless-you-are-really-hot-you-are-probably-better-off-not-wasting-your-2ddf370a6e9a

So here’s the key question - why do women getting hundreds of messages online struggle to find a relationship? The answer is that the gender bias allows women to date upwards. This may seem initially positive but when guys know they are dating downwards (due to necessity online), they will be more interested in a hook up than a relationship (guys standards for hook-up are a lot lower).

It may seem a depressing thought but mathematically the best strategy for a woman online is to reduce her standards and find a guy at her own level who would be genuinely happy to be her boyfriend. This may be achieved by searching for guys with a similar educational level, professional status, level of financial stability etc.

It’s really about giving guys who don’t appear instantly attractive a chance. These are the guys with less choice online who will take a relationship seriously. The top 20% of guys who you find instantly attractive will be liked by lots of other women so they’ll have a tendency to mess about. You might think these are just average guys but look at it mathematically – you probably only like about 20% of men and talk to only half of these – so that’s your top 10% of men which will likely be the same top 10% of men for every other woman.

But realistically of course no one heeds this as psychologically if feels easier to think that all men want hook-ups or all men have unrealistic standards.

I guess the alternative approach is to keep dating upwards and realistically if you date lots of men (20+), the odds are that one of them will have low enough standards to want a relationship or will find you uniquely attractive in some way. This requires a lot of patience however, and an ability to deal with rejection.

professore

Debtocracy wrote: »

It’s interesting that you say this as all the evidence points to women having unrealistic standards online. And why shouldn’t they, an average woman could have an 85% match rate online, while the average man barely gets a 1% match rate. With so much choice for women, standards become inflated and suddenly a tall, professional, handsome guy begins to be perceived as just average (when in reality he’s in the top 10% of guys).

https://www.zdnet.com/article/ten-fake-profiles-one-okcupid-experiment-okcupid-on-trial/

https://medium.com/@worstonlinedater/tinder-experiments-ii-guys-unless-you-are-really-hot-you-are-probably-better-off-not-wasting-your-2ddf370a6e9a

So here’s the key question - why do women getting hundreds of messages online struggle to find a relationship? The answer is that the gender bias allows women to date upwards. This may seem initially positive but when guys know they are dating downwards (due to necessity online), they will be more interested in a hook up than a relationship (guys standards for hook-up are a lot lower).

It may seem a depressing thought but mathematically the best strategy for a woman online is to reduce her standards and find a guy at her own level who would be genuinely happy to be her boyfriend. This may be achieved by searching for guys with a similar educational level, professional status, level of financial stability etc.

It’s really about giving guys who don’t appear instantly attractive a chance. These are the guys with less choice online who will take a relationship seriously. The top 20% of guys who you find instantly attractive will be liked by lots of other women so they’ll have a tendency to mess about. You might think these are just average guys but look at it mathematically – you probably only like about 20% of men and talk to only half of these – so that’s your top 10% of men which will likely be the same top 10% of men for every other woman.

But realistically of course no one heeds this as psychologically if feels easier to think that all men want hook-ups or all men have unrealistic standards.

I guess the alternative approach is to keep dating upwards and realistically if you date lots of men (20+), the odds are that one of them will have low enough standards to want a relationship or will find you uniquely attractive in some way. This requires a lot of patience however, and an ability to deal with rejection.

My daughter told me a funny story about tinder. She has it on her phone and a male friend, who she says is a normal enough looking guy, got a hold of it and swiped right on every guy - the same thing he does and gets a couple of matches a month from it. She matched EVERY SINGLE GUY. He was shocked. Now she is an attractive young woman (I'm biased of course) but to seriously believe every one of those guys wanted a "relationship" with her is stretching the bounds of credibility.

Of course men lower their standards of looks for a sexual relationship. Women raise theirs. The opposite is often true for long term relationships. If you understand this basic fact then it will save you a lot of pain. Getting a guy with options to sleep with you as a woman is dead easy, getting commitment isn't. Also just because he has lots of options says nothing about his character. In fact it just makes him good at bedding as many women as possible. This is the "top" 20% of men. Top in the sense of being sexually attractive to women.

Just like ths woman that exudes overt sex appeal generally doesn't make the best girlfriend... Although many guys seem to get this more than many women do.

LolaJJ

I was on and off Tinder and POF for about 3 years with no success. But on reflection - I was meeting nice guys who wanted relationships and I got freaked out. Then I would meet a "bad-guy" who didn't want a relationship and that would piss me off. Basically - the issue was kind of with me.

I took a break and reluctantly went back on Tinder about a year ago. I was probably a little more discerning about who I was actually going to meet up with and I met 2 or 3 handsome, successful, great guys, all looking for long-term commitment. I'm now coming up to my first anniversary with a super nice, kind, thoughtful guy who I would now describe as the love-of-my-life.

I really think you get out what you put in, but I was exhausted with them in the same way you are now OP, felt like I was just going to be single forever

Emme

I don't know if you're allowed post links here but there was an article in the papers yesterday about how a man posted his picture on Tinder. Openly married and looking for some "fun" while the wife was out. His profile picture was a weedy body standing in front of a Moses basket with his wife's very stylish dress hanging in the background.

That's the calibre of what's on Tinder and dating sites. Best avoided.

LuckyLloyd

Emme wrote: »

I don't know if you're allowed post links here but there was an article in the papers yesterday about how a man posted his picture on Tinder. Openly married and looking for some "fun" while the wife was out. His profile picture was a weedy body standing in front of a Moses basket with his wife's very stylish dress hanging in the background.

That's the calibre of what's on Tinder and dating sites. Best avoided.

To the OP, the best thing you can do is avoid sensationalist opinions on Online Dating like this. Online dating is the new normal, all types of people with all types of intentions are on there. That includes weirdos and people looking for the ride; just as much as it includes genuine people with genuine intentions.

You say "I'm probably guilty of it myself" and ultimately that's the best place to focus your energy: on what you're doing and what people are doing as it relates to you and what you want. There's no conspiracy regarding Online Dating or particularly category of person on there with particular rules to what they do. It's just a huge range of normal people with all the range of dating behaviours and objectives that entails.

Good luck - I met my partner on Tinder and we're very happily living together 18 months on.

zapper55

I wrote out a long post but I lost it.

Basically that article isn't representive of my experiences online. Media is going to pick the most sensationalist story to sell papers.

Op take a break from it. If you go back use recent non filtered photos with a positive bio. Any red flags or weird conversation just ignore them/or block.

Re my comment on the sweet shop mentality I think the way round it is to date and message one person at a time. Don't depend on online dating to find someone. It's just one of.many tools. Try and be more social in real life. And enjoy it.

jenggg

Hey, all good advice

JackTaylorFan

Personally: Online dating is a weird one for me. It's the safest way for me to find a date, but I also hate it. I've made a few friends out of it, but that's pretty much it. It's an opportunity to meet people who I would ordinarily never interact with on a night out, but, to be honest I find most the single men I speak to on there totally incompatible. I've also encountered some complete time wasters; more than a few cheating husbands/partners; and just some really bitter individuals who don't take rejection well. The whole thing is a bet messy. I've tried several different sites/apps, before finding one that isn't actually awful, but even then you see a lot of the same faces. All and all, chance encounters in real life have proved far more fruitful.

More generally speaking, this swipe culture is driving people to treat others as disposable.

I read a really interesting piece a while back about how people looking for something long term and committed are often times afraid of scaring off any potential partner if they state on their profile that is what they really want, and so end-up in these really unhealthy casual arrangements - "playing it cool".

leggo

JackTaylorFan wrote: »

I read a really interesting piece a while back about how people looking for something long term and committed are often times afraid of scaring off any potential partner if they state on their profile that is what they really want, and so end-up in these really unhealthy casual arrangements - "playing it cool".

I found the exact opposite worked for me tbh. I used to have little stupid one-liners like everyone does in profiles, then last year I got bored one day after being frustrated by meeting a few women who were like "Oh you seem to want something serious (like that's a problem) and I'm just not there..." and re-did my POF profile. I did up a long bio saying from the first line I was bored of the pub/ONS scene and was looking for something substantial, then went into detail about myself and what I was looking for. I've literally never had so many options in my life. I remember telling my friends who would've also either currently been on or done their time on POF before and showed them one day leaving the app open while we sat and chatted and watched the inbox fill without doing anything (which is fairly standard for women, not as much for guys) and nearly every single one of them commented on the bio. I went on dates with and saw a lot of perfectly nice, well-adjusted women over the year before bumping into someone I'd been on a couple dates with from Tinder a while back (who'd been going travelling shortly afterwards so couldn't have done a relationship, but we kept in touch) and am dating her a few months in possibly the most healthy situation I've ever been in.

I think a lot of people overthink dating, I know I've been guilty of it too. Put effort into yourself so you're an attractive person (inside and out) a lot of people would want to be around, get your head around the fact you deserve to be happy and don't settle for crappy behaviour, don't take rejection personally because it's not a slight that everyone in the world mightn't want to be with you (that's the case, also, of everyone else in the world), be honest with yourself and others about what you're looking for and be active in finding it...results! The simplest answer, I think, is the actual answer. The problem is many people let their failings in the area and insecurities/issues seriously complicate that and give them these terrible notions like the ones outlined above that land them in a revolving door of nothing (again, something I've been guilty of too).

JackTaylorFan

leggo wrote: »

<Snip> No need to quote the entire post.

Glad it's worked out for you.

And the second part is just good advice no matter where you are - online or offline - to be fair.

I'm actually in a place where I'm not bothered about finding someone at the moment, I also think that's the best place to be.

Big Bag of Chips

2 off topic posts deleted. Please always bear in mind to offer advice to the OP when posting.

Thanks.

milli milli

JackTaylorFan wrote: »

I read a really interesting piece a while back about how people looking for something long term and committed are often times afraid of scaring off any potential partner if they state on their profile that is what they really want, and so end-up in these really unhealthy casual arrangements - "playing it cool".

I remember reading somewhere that it's really hard to mess up the right thing. Emotionally mature people aren't afraid of committed, long term relationships. It is probably better to be upfront on what you want at the start.
Well that's my take on it, as an 'older' dater. I do still make stupid mistakes but in general I prefer forthrightness. If it scares people away then it's a good filter.

I think a lot of people overthink dating, I know I've been guilty of it too. Put effort into yourself so you're an attractive person (inside and out) a lot of people would want to be around, get your head around the fact you deserve to be happy and don't settle for crappy behaviour, don't take rejection personally because it's not a slight that everyone in the world mightn't want to be with you (that's the case, also, of everyone else in the world), be honest with yourself and others about what you're looking for and be active in finding it...results!

Excellent advice. A funny thing I realised this year after some soul-searching and which may resonate with others. I was looking for a LTR but despite putting lots of effort into myself and trying to figure out why I was still single when I was so awesome - I realised I was seeking out the non-committal types, but they were nice-guy, non-committals NOT the bad guys. This is why I couldn't see my problem.
Apparently it's because of some childhood, daddy-issues BUT the revelation was despite saying I wanted a LTR, subliminally I actually didn't want it!
I had to do 'work' on myself to reconcile that.
So look into this, if you are having problems with finding someone - both off- and online.

zcorpian88

Dublingirl80 wrote: »

Is it just me or has everything changed when it comes to dating in Ireland. I've been on online dates over the last few years, but I feel now it has become really hard to meet someone who gives it a real shot. It seems as if there is an endless supply of people so people are just jumping from person to person and not even giving people a real chance. I'm probably guilty of it myself and do agree you really want a spark and connection, but has online dating caused people to treat each other differently? Almost as if nobody is good enough? Just curious if others are finding it the same?

I think dating in Ireland has always sucked but ever since it became all about dating apps it's made people very flighty. Have had 4 dates with 3 women from dating sites in the last year and a half. Takes me about 6 months at a time to secure a date. POF seemed to be the more successful one but it's very time consuming, tried Tinder and I got sick of the monotonous swiping only for nothing to happen.

Had one date in January of last year, lovely girl, she was a single mother actually, normally I wouldn't go for women with kids but she seemed very interesting as well as drop dead gorgeous, there was a bit of a connection there but she has a complicated relationship with the father of her kid, and I didn't think she was all that ready to be with anyone, and I wasn't sure if I could deal with her ex, who sounded like a wanker.

June last year I went out with another one from POF, complete time waster and led me on, started out nice, lot of good conversation, she had a lot of stress in work and told me about it a lot, made an effort to make her feel better and not take stuff to heart, went out of my way really to make her feel good about herself, and she would tell me anything I want to hear but would never want to meet up and cancel plans at the last minute, let it go a few times until I got pissed off and said "Maybe we should forget about it then" then she lures me back in with pleasantness, and it's all good for another week, then I just text her one day, and nothing back, and I wait a while sometimes a day or two and text again asking "was everything ok".... Still nothing. Then I got stroppy and said "Is this the way you treat any bloke that's interested in you? An acknowledgement of my message would be nice, I know you saw the message, it is whatsapp after all!" Then she outright says "I'm seeing someone else, f**k off"

All that just to be discarded, complete bitch like.

January this year, another POF girl, seemed nice, went for coffee and a long walk, nice chat was had. She seemed to have liked me, and wanted a second date, great I thought after the last 2 disasters, so went for a meal out and the cinema, she offered to pay her half of the meal but I wouldn't let her. I'm not the type that does that all the time, I'm all for equality, but on that occasion I wasn't short money so I treated us. Paid for the cinema too and she insisted she pay for sweets so, that was all good. She wasn't the best conversationalist when we were waiting in the cinema before the movie though, maybe a little bit of a pause in conversation, that's never good. Saw the movie, it was good. Next day I said I had a nice time and it'd be great to see her again, then she put me out of my misery. "No spark" apparently, she wanted to stay friends though.

I kind of overreacted thinking "It takes me 6 months at a time to date anyone around town, I finally get 2 dates in a row with a person for the first time in years and I get this no spark bulls**t?" and I deleted her number and got rid of her on Facebook. I was just really annoyed. Somewhat regret it now.

Haven't been talking to too many people on it since but have been on Bumble a bit more, takes a long time to find someone interesting since women have to make the first move, it's kind of like Tinder with the monotony, but the women making the first move is a good way to go about it.

About 3 weeks ago a girl messaged me on it, talking to her a bit, turns out she's from the same village my mother is from and her mother knows my mother and my uncle. I get the impression she's not a time waster so far, she wants to bide her time in meeting up though, she said about 7-10 days ago her hair isn't right and has to get it cut before going on a date, and she wants to make an effort being more social as well, she was sick for most of this year with a few illnesses, she was in fact sick over the weekend just gone and had to cut short a visit from a friend who she wanted to meet up with for ages, she picked up a pretty bad injury in work that put her out of action for a good while and it's only now she's getting back on her feet. Hoping to get a meet up with her this weekend if not next week. Normally I wouldn't wait this long for a meetup, but if she's from where the mother is from, she'd be from good stock, people are pretty sound from that area. She doesn't seem like a serial dater like most people seem to be now, almost like their lives are a real life version of a season of "Friends" or some s**t where they bounce around from person to person.

I can't see this new person being as frustrating as anyone else I've dated where they are looking down the road to the next person which is totally the vibe you get.

I totally agree with you OP, dating in Ireland has gone from mediocre to non existent in the last 2-4 years. Fact!

firstlight

I met my woman online,that was nearly 8 year ago.would have never crossed paths otherwise,I met a lot of lovely and strange people but it all was good experiences,don't give up hope anyway

I do agree from even when I was single it was very hard to meet someone genuine and honest.

Like I said keep plugging away

shakeitoff

It's so bad, I'd much prefer meet a girl who I know through people on a night out.

jenggg

Zcorpion88 I don’t know if you can blame the women you went out with for things not working out. You say one wasn’t a good conversationalist. But maybe she just didn’t find something in common with you? You didn’t click? Maybe they didn’t feel the spark. I don’t want to believe in this whole spark thing but I’m finding it hard not to. I’ve gone on lots of dates with lovely men but I just wasn’t feeling it with most of them. I’m worried it’s my fault... how can you meet 15 men and not women want to date most of them? Do people here trust their instincts and stop dating afteyou w couple of dates if they’re just not feeling anything with the person?

zcorpian88

shakeitoff wrote: »

It's so bad, I'd much prefer meet a girl who I know through people on a night out.

Tried all that myself over the last few years, I do find a lot of people in my age group to be annoyingly immersed in their phones on nights out...twittering, whatsapping, snapchatting, facebooking and almost prefer to be talking to people who they didn't go out with!....tis all getting out of hand with the phones. (Here's an idea, a theme pub where you pretend it's 1995, therefore No Smartphones/Mobiles, I would f**king love it!

Actually my own friend circle had dispersed also in the last year or two, between getting jobs out of town, college, some have had kids and can't arrange a meet up, and others fell out with myself and the group due to an argument. Need to make some new friends really so I'll have new opportunities to meet people. My social life has stagnated, hence the online dating woes.

jenggg

Zcorpion88 I don’t know if you can blame the women you went out with for things not working out. You say one wasn’t a good conversationalist. But maybe she just didn’t find something in common with you? You didn’t click? Maybe they didn’t feel the spark. I don’t want to believe in this whole spark thing but I’m finding it hard not to. I’ve gone on lots of dates with lovely men but I just wasn’t feeling it with most of them. I’m worried it’s my fault... how can you meet 15 men and not women want to date most of them? Do people here trust their instincts and stop dating afteyou w couple of dates if they’re just not feeling anything with the person?

zcorpian88

jenggg wrote: »

Zcorpion88 I don’t know if you can blame the women you went out with for things not working out. You say one wasn’t a good conversationalist. But maybe she just didn’t find something in common with you? You didn’t click? Maybe they didn’t feel the spark. I don’t want to believe in this whole spark thing but I’m finding it hard not to. I’ve gone on lots of dates with lovely men but I just wasn’t feeling it with most of them. I’m worried it’s my fault... how can you meet 15 men and not women want to date most of them? Do people here trust their instincts and stop dating afteyou w couple of dates if they’re just not feeling anything with the person?

Jenggg, she was a good conversationalist at the meal, but once at the cinema, it became different, can't put my finger on it, but I did like her, I mean I think I'm worth seeing a bit more of, take some more time rather than being hasty about it, I don't know, I feel she didn't give it a real chance and just chopped me off at the ankles for no good reason. I think there would have been a spark if she just invested some more time, the first date was great...and the second, the meal was a laugh. But clearly something made her mind go a different way at the cinema.

I think the problem with a lot of people is they can't get out of their own head enough to relax and enjoy the encounter and then you'll find/develop some common ground and you'll want to be around them more, call it dating anxiety if you will.

I think people mix their dating anxiety up and come up with the notion that there is no spark. While others haven't a clue what they want and they are using apps like a menu in a restaurant...."this week, I'll have that...and if I don't like it straight away, back to the drawing board"......people are pissing through dates and going on like a person is expendable and looking for this disneyesque spark where you just hit it off from the first meeting, like some stupid ROMCOM, in reality it doesn't always work like that and you're only codding yourself if that's what you're seeking, could spend your entire youth or life in general seeking it only to realize it's more often than not a loosing battle.

bloodless_coup

milli milli wrote: »

I think it’s way too easy for guys (and gals if that’s what they’re looking for) to have casual encounters. And if you live in a big city, you have so much choice, if you’re not bad looking.

The above quote and people talking about going on a large number of dates makes me realize, I must be one ugly mofo!

messy tessy

zcorpian88 wrote: »

Normally I wouldn't wait this long for a meetup, but if she's from where the mother is from, she'd be from good stock, people are pretty sound from that area

Some people are just different, I don't think I would click with someone who describes a girl as 'good stock'

zcorpian88

messy tessy wrote: »

Some people are just different, I don't think I would click with someone who describes a girl as 'good stock'

I mean that in personality terms not looks or anything, thought I'd put that out there. Defined in my mind as good character, values etc.

leggo

zcorpian88, have you considered the possibility that maybe there's stuff you're doing that's affecting your dating success and it's not the medium's fault? 6 months is a LONG time to find a date if you're actively looking like. Getting angry and aggressive over text with a girl who you've been out with once because she gave you the blue ticks and didn't respond is also a massive overreaction. Having a rant about another girl because she said she thought there was no spark with you is similarly jumping the gun...people are allowed feel that way, they're not obligated to like you or give you a 'chance', even if you are gonna be waiting 6 more months for the next date.

I think in general it's good advice to see yourself as the common denominator of your struggles and look closer to home. Blaming the way the world has gone or Tinder or women in general might make you feel better but doesn't actually improve your situation. You can't control any of the above scenarios, you can control your own behaviour. So take responsibility for your struggles, look first at what you may have done wrong and fix it accordingly and you mightn't be posting aggressively here about it again six months from now.

B.A._Baracus

I've known a lot of people who have used online dating over the last 10 to 15 years and it has definitely changed. Everyone and their granny seems to be on something these days too.

Ultimately dating sites are a mess. Pick your reason:
- If you are a guy, you have to accept the fact there are about 10 men to 1 woman and every lad is mailing women constantly.
- Most women get cautious of the guys who message them after a while as most just want a roll in the hay.
- Serial daters.
- People who just want sex (both male and female... gotta love the way most say i am not looking for one nighters... yeah right lol)
- People with baggage.
- People with unrealistic expectations due to the high level of mails they receive.
- People who have no intention of meeting but enjoy the 'pick me up' of being told they are good looking etc.
- Married or attached people going behind their partners back.
- People with mental issues. The amount of friends who went on a date from the likes of POF and the other person said how they were touched as a kid or serious things etc is mind-boggling. To the point you end up questioning the validity of these claims after a while.
- People who have no intention of ever dating anyone but want a free night out.

So think about it. It's a minefield cause after dodging all the above you have to find someone that A) Is looking to meet someone and who you click with.